Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

So I'm at my first night at University and I'm really anxious because it's my first time away from home. Have any of you guys felt similar and what did you do to feel better?

[QUOTE=The mouse;45971638]So I'm at my first night at University and I'm really anxious because it's my first time away from home. Have any of you guys felt similar and what did you do to feel better?[/QUOTE] I felt the same way for about 2 weeks when I went to Uni the first year. It would have been longer had I not been rooming with friends from my high school, but once you get used to everything around you it's not so bad, and eventually becomes pretty damn awesome.

[QUOTE=The mouse;45971638]So I'm at my first night at University and I'm really anxious because it's my first time away from home. Have any of you guys felt similar and what did you do to feel better?[/QUOTE] A bit late but treat it as a vacation or sleeping at a friend's house. Treat it as a temporary thing until you realise 'wow this is fun!' which should be soon :>

I was feeling pretty nauseous so I figured I'd get some fresh air. didn't expect to stay outside for half an hour I feel pretty melodramatic, but I felt pretty blown away. fresh air, seeing stars in the sky, no one around to be anxious about, and the sounds! it was amaaazing! I haven't been out like that since december last year so it's pretty surreal to be outside again. though nothing lasts forever, and I ended up going indoors again. hot, isolated air with an overly bright monitor in my face with various smells of left overs. I'm not sure how I'm coping with this compared to how it's outside. I even feel cleaner, and my skin feels really good. I might go for a walk tomorrow at 3am, would be great

Anyone ever get that feeling that if you died in your room today, no one would notice until the whole house was filled with stench? It's kinda sad that even with friends, I don't have anyone to call me or talk to me on a regular basis without me more or less taking initiative(like calling my mother and such). It's maybe a lot to ask, but it would be nice to have someone to actually care about me, hence why I'm still looking for a girlfriend I guess.. A friend of mine said that the best way to look for one is to not look for one and just make a lot of friends, and see what happens. Guess that's what I'm doing now, while concentrating 100% on my music studies and drumming. I've also started to say exactly what I mean, instead of sugar-coating stuff or lying to please others/not make any enemies. I was reading an article about what people most regretted when they lay dying, and being true to oneself and others was one of them. Everyone can't be your friend, and if someone does something that you don't like, you should say it to them(depending on the situation of course, no need to be an asshole).

Ok, well, I never posted her but I may as well now, better time than ever. Basically I live a dual life, I'm very social and have good friends in school etc. But when it comes to my family, I just can't be myself. I feel constantly uncomfortable. I used to think this was an issue with anxiety, it's not officially diagnosed since I would never ask them to take me to see anyone, but I have attacks and constantly worry about everything. It improves a little when I'm with my friends, as I feel most comfortable with them. But I feel threatened by my family. I disagree with them on nearly everything and I keep my anxiety and self harm issues well away from them. I am a recluse to them. The most painful thing is, I've lost sight of why. I don't know why I'm like this anymore, it feels like I always was. But I don't know who I am anymore. It's been so long that whoever I was to them, whoever they 'want back', I can't get back. So what the fuck do I do here? I just don't really see them as my family. I can't relate to, understand or agree with them. I don't want to avoid them forever but I don't know how not to anymore. This issue keeps making me relapse and I need it to stop. If anyone can offer advice I am grateful.

fuck mee, I just hit 100kg. I thought I was stable at 95kg but apparently not. it's so surreal to think that I was 70kg before I met my ex, and even then I thought I was fat since I always wore big clothing to hide my body. I remember my mom freaking out once when she hugged me back then as she wasn't expecting me to be as thin as I was I really need to start working on my weight, it just keeps adding up

I had another argument with my mum, about studies and life in general. I tried to attack her back saying they never gave me a choice where to go in life or support me, but she kind of made sense saying that i do nothing but sit on computer all day, called me a 'game addict even'. It's so weird when you desperately try to defend yourself. But i think she's right partially, i actually just escaped reality through games, internet, because i didn't have any sort of social life when i was 13, and it just continued. I just got rejected because i was fat, i got social anxiety, and fuck, i didn't really do anything other than sit in my room all day, stopped reading books, learning to get good grades, went to school just to sit in class and wait for the time to pass. I guess i just exploded at her with all this shit again, i don't know, i feel like i'm just full of shit right now. Also she now wants to arrange meeting with psychologist when i come back from exams (which i know i'll fail but she keeps yelling at me for saying that).

[QUOTE=Institutional;45978781]Ok, well, I never posted her but I may as well now, better time than ever. Basically I live a dual life, I'm very social and have good friends in school etc. But when it comes to my family, I just can't be myself. I feel constantly uncomfortable. I used to think this was an issue with anxiety, it's not officially diagnosed since I would never ask them to take me to see anyone, but I have attacks and constantly worry about everything. It improves a little when I'm with my friends, as I feel most comfortable with them. But I feel threatened by my family. I disagree with them on nearly everything and I keep my anxiety and self harm issues well away from them. I am a recluse to them. The most painful thing is, I've lost sight of why. I don't know why I'm like this anymore, it feels like I always was. But I don't know who I am anymore. It's been so long that whoever I was to them, whoever they 'want back', I can't get back. So what the fuck do I do here? I just don't really see them as my family. I can't relate to, understand or agree with them. I don't want to avoid them forever but I don't know how not to anymore. This issue keeps making me relapse and I need it to stop. If anyone can offer advice I am grateful.[/QUOTE] I would just tell them everything and get it over with. Tell them how you feel. What's the worst that can happen? Either they accept it or don't. You have good friends you can go to if they still act like douchebags.

I'm starting to get this feeling that something just isn't fucking right. After I went to a back doctor to check out the damage caused by an accident a few years ago, it became apparent that my shoulder blades and spine are all sorts of fuck. Now as time goes on my hands are becoming more and more shakey. I cannot keep them still, and I'm really starting to have a hard time picking up items that I'd normally be able to lift without a problem. Hell I cannot even go bowling anymore with my fourteen pound ball.

And now I feel hyperactive again. Fuck sake, I'm going from hyper to depressed and back again every couple of days. Sometimes it happens in the same day.

My brother has grown up to be a handsome, talented smart young adult, i've never been so proud. But then i look at myself, and all i see is an ugly, bitter, cold lonely person with cancer. I just hope he grows up to be everything i'm not.

[QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;45986395]My brother has grown up to be a handsome, talented smart young adult, i've never been so proud. But then i look at myself, and all i see is an ugly, bitter, cold lonely person with cancer. I just hope he grows up to be everything i'm not.[/QUOTE] Hey, let's be bitter together. I've watched my brother closely and taught him everything he needed to know that my parents didn't. He's now working, and has a nice girlfriend which he's been going steady with for some years and everything going good for him. It was kinda my backup plan, cuz now I don't need to carry on the family! Now I can be a lazy slob that never finds anyone to love! P.S. I'm having a manic thing going on now, and I'm laughing, smiling and being generally happy for no reason. Nothing is sad. It's awesome! Listening to my favorite music alone in my room makes it even more awesome.

Been at Uni for a month now and while I've made a lot of friends, I guess I'm kind of a selfish twat, but I'm really missing more intrinsic relationships. Its cool to hang with all of these people but I just don't connect with any of them on a deeper level beyond "hey let's hang/party." I don't miss home but I miss my old friends.

It's only been a month, you meet more people or get to know them better.

i started psychotherapy today for my depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and self-harm problems my therapist is really nice and laid back and caring. im hoping this works out and doesnt backfire or blow up in my face because i cant take anymore shit in my life.

Sometimes I will forget to take my meds for a few days and I don't realise it until I'm entertaining suicidal ideas, for the first time in months (basically since I started taking my medication). But when I am on them I feel completely normal. I don't receive therapy, so this contradicts what I've always heard about pills being "just a supplement to therapy". It feels like they are the key to keeping me sane. I'm not complaining, because they work, but I just find it curious how these can be so effective. Before I was regularly getting hospitalised for suicide attempts/overdosing and drug abuse, going in and out of the psych ward but now it's great, I almost have a normal life.

I'm starting to go into a panic mode since the midterm is coming, my friends aren't here, my girlfriend is sick and nobody wants to listen to what I say anyways why shouldn't I just end it here and now so I can stop annoying people [editline]16th September 2014[/editline] Tonight I'm just going to run and keep running until I vomit and then not have dinner because I dont need it. Maybe if I lose more weight people will want to talk to me so I can finally look good to them [editline]16th September 2014[/editline] what's the point, nobody wants to listen to me anyways. Therapy doesn't work, antidepressants don't work, love doesn't work. I basically have nothing. I'll never live up to the standards of my sisters, I'll never become a school teacher, I'll never transition, I'll never be as good as everyone fucking else, I'll never be able to tell people about things I like. I'm a goddamn waste of time and I think tonight I'm just going to finish it and leave, everyone will be be better without me.

Angsty vent post ahead I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm 18, still in school with this being my fifth year of high school. And the way things are going, this'll turn to six in no time. And I can't seem to improve my grades no matter what I try. Maybe I'm just stupid, no mental illness, just plain slow. I've asked for help, but it never works out. I am honestly considering just dropping out and getting a GED. It's more feasible than finishing up in my current situation. I got fired from my dishwashing job because I'm an incompetent loser. I wasn't even there for 2 weeks before they sent me off. I truly am that pathetic, can't hold a shitty job like dishwashing because I get stressed and that makes me freeze up. Fuck it all. Here's my fat ass wanting to be an EMT when I lose my shit over something as small as that. It'll never happen, I'll just stay home and hope I die before my parents can kick me out. Fat ass. That's another thing. I've tried losing weight so I can do more with my life, but I can't stop eating. I even become disgusted with myself every time I eat, but it isn't doing anything. 18, and I weigh 312 pounds. At this rate, I won't have to kill myself, my body will do it for me. I just want to be thin, to be normal and happy like everyone else. I won't talk about my girl problems (that'd be a fucking novel). I probably sound like a fedora tipping asshole, but I just want love. I don't even want a romantic relationship, I just need someone who acknowledges my existence once in a while. But that shit ain't easy when you're fat, ugly and awkward. I'm sorry guys. I hope I wasn't too bad on you with this post.

Eh, I have come to conclusion i might have some depressive disorders, i don't believe it's a major depressive disorder anything, since it's stuck with me for some years now, maybe even as much as 6-7. I think i had some sort of social anxiety from the start, since i couldn't even adapt in the kindergarten, but i don't remember much from that time (like i can't remember most of my life sadly..), all i remember is me not liking that place mich. Then problems in school began, i was quite rejected socially, also bullied on. I still had a few friends, who turned to dislike me because i did some stupid shit instead of paying attention to the class. I think i just became more isolated from 4th class or something, started comfort eating, got fat and it all went downhill, after finishing elementary i didn't have any friends in new school, not any i could hang out with much. Maybe once/twice in a month, i don't know. I just felt down most of the time, didn't care about grades, trying to get any friends, since i had bad social anxiety by then, all i did was sit on computer all day to kill the time somehow. I remember i stopped reading books then, which i actually enjoyed before. I tried to pick books again but it was too difficult to read them, after i read one page i already forgot what it was about. I must admit i had suicidal thougths at age 13-14, i just wanted to end my life at that point. I don't know myself at this point, if i really have any problems or if it's just me trying to find any, i had a lot of stress lately, since i failed my studies and might have to start to work for my own living, and i lied about my parents that i can still pass, and fuck they give me some pressure saying shit like 'we won't give you any money so you can sit there and do nothing all day', i think that's the reason i lied in the first place, because i feared their reaction. Maybe it is a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, i tried psychologist some months ago but i couldn't really say my real reason why i went there, and only thing i heard about my social anxiety was that people my age are more understanding and i should lose my weight (yeah no fucking shit sherlock). So, if you did read my post or didn't, i'd like to ask a question, should i go to psychiatrist first or psychologist? I know the second group doesn't have much respect here, since you don't need a lot of education for that, and tbh i dont know if i could go to a therapy, it's just too embarrasing, im too anxious about things like that.

[QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;45986395]My brother has grown up to be a handsome, talented smart young adult, i've never been so proud. But then i look at myself, and all i see is an ugly, bitter, cold lonely person with cancer. I just hope he grows up to be everything i'm not.[/QUOTE] Gattaca, dude.

As if it couldn't get worse... I really think I want to move out of this state and start anew. Maybe to the south. Just move there onto a piece of land and be alone for the rest of my life. I'm getting sick of everyone, and I mean everyone I live near. Rude fucking assholes with no respect for anything. It saddens me to see a place I loved so much as a child go to shit. I need to stop fucking ranting and actually get shit done. I need to stop complaining, grow a pair and fucking do something.

-snip-

Might be getting a new job soon. All I can think about is how badly I'm going to fuck it up.

[QUOTE=fritzel;46003431]Gattaca, dude.[/QUOTE] What?

Every now and then, more so recently though, I go through these periods of what I feel like is similar to depression. I don't have fun with any of my hobbies, am incredibly irritable all the time, sleep schedule is totally fuckered, appetite loss, etc etc all these things that are very common symptoms of depression. They're almost always started by something triggering them like getting in a fight with a friend or having a rough time with work for a while. I feel shitty all the time but honestly I don't really know if its actually depression. I get a kind of "my problems arent bad enough to warrant depression" vibe. Is that normal behavior or would that be a sign of depression?

Went through my first psych appointment in awhile, and needless to say, I am still weary of what's going to happen. I sorta mentioned all my problems within the past few years, and described previous medications and otherwise I was put out on back in the 4th grade - 9th grade, and honestly the lady was pretty stunned by a lot of the shit I was talking about. Still will have to wait another month before having my medication for flux gets refilled, or get put on a new medication, but yay progress.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;46010931]Went through my first psych appointment in awhile. honestly the lady was pretty stunned by a lot of the shit I was talking about. [/QUOTE] Psychologist reacted like that too, after i had talked about my history. (Usually people like me decorate themselves on the tree. I might be exception, just because i cant properly do knots.) I were wise enough to not to tell the full truth about my current condition, though. (few white lies in here and there.) (In the end psychologists are unreliable.) [QUOTE=Zillamaster55;45940573]3 days not wanting to kill myself I can't believe I've done it[/QUOTE] Spend a holiday in finland, and that changes quickly.

I didn't lie because honestly I'm sick of feeling like crap, but it was pretty clear that at points that she probably thought I was lieing about things.

[QUOTE=PelPix123;46010949]I'm not really sure what to do at this point. My girlfriend, an inseparable part of me for so long, had a psychotic break last Sunday and is totally lost to me. I have constant (as in perpetual) seizures in my legs, terrible nerve pain, and memory loss due to a brain injury. My home life wasn't and hasn't been the best and I have no friends other than my roommate. Before this girlfriend, I had never ever actually gone and done something with another person, because getting around in public without supporting equipment is so hard with the seizures. Doctors say that my perpetual seizing is tearing apart my body and I'll be immobilized from pain in as little as 10 years--age 30. Also, I'm trans. Sometimes I feel like if I wasn't depressed, I'd be objectively wrong. [editline]18th September 2014[/editline] Also I have severe anxiety. [editline]18th September 2014[/editline] And all my family members are like cartoon characters. My mom is a Mitt Romney-esque rich woman who says things like "I hope they aren't paying for that with my tax dollars" while watching a hiker get rescued on the news. I'm not even joking--that's a verbatim quote. And you're probably thinking "oh it must be nice having a rich family" and no, it really isn't. She doesn't believe in monetary help all that much. She never even started a college fund, even though it would've been really trivial to save up the money. She expected me to be on my own financially by the age of 18 and I'm apparently a disappointment because I'm not (among other things. She's been a little bitter ever since I came out not 100% normal, it seems.), even though she's still working the job her university set her up with after her rich dad paid her tuition out of pocket. It's all kind of super dumb. Also, can't beat: "Sorry, hun. I can't help you with your tuition. I just don't have the money!" *Drops $30k in cash for a boat for her lake mansion* [editline]18th September 2014[/editline] And don't even get me started on all the experimentation she signed me up for when I was little to try and make me "normal." [editline]18th September 2014[/editline] i have mom issues ok[/QUOTE] Your mum sounds a bit like a self centred cunt if thats how she acts to her own kin. [editline]18th September 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;46010931]Went through my first psych appointment in awhile, and needless to say, I am still weary of what's going to happen. I sorta mentioned all my problems within the past few years, and described previous medications and otherwise I was put out on back in the 4th grade - 9th grade, and honestly the lady was pretty stunned by a lot of the shit I was talking about. Still will have to wait another month before having my medication for flux gets refilled, or get put on a new medication, but yay progress.[/QUOTE] I went to one for a little while, she was kind of amazed at how much damage i caused my body through stupid means. I left because i didnt feel it helped, i'm one of the people who find talking about my problems only makes it worse.