Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Feeling on a majorly self destructive streak and I just can't find an outlet

My therapist moved away the other day because she's getting her PhD in another state and she said she'd hook me up with another therapist, but it just won't be the same She was SO good and I never really had the chance to thank her for all she'd helped me in

Finally got an appointment with a private psychologist. Gonna have to dig up some shit from my past, and I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm moving to the psych ward in mere 3 days. starting to get really anxious about it, gonna be scary to break out of my current pattern. I'm not looking forward to eating among others, at all. I could probably get behind most of the other stuff, but the thought of eating in front of someone else scares me. gonna be "exciting" to see how I'll fare when it comes to sleep considering my sleeping pattern literally does a full 360 in the matter of 2 weeks.

[QUOTE=PredGD;46019790]I'm moving to the psych ward in mere 3 days. starting to get really anxious about it, gonna be scary to break out of my current pattern. I'm not looking forward to eating among others, at all. I could probably get behind most of the other stuff, but the thought of eating in front of someone else scares me. gonna be "exciting" to see how I'll fare when it comes to sleep considering my sleeping pattern literally does a full 360 in the matter of 2 weeks.[/QUOTE] I went to a psych ward almost two years ago, it's crazy how much time has passed. While you're there it's gonna feel like it sucks, a LOT, but now I can safely say that with time you'll be glad you went. I'm able to appreciate things in a different light and gained a newfound passion for music and art in general.

i've been drinking a fair bit to cope with my insufferable self esteem. I have a feeling I'm a bit addicted to alcohol as a result. I tell myself to man up and get my shit together but nothing really helps. I can't even look at a simple piece of art without getting mega depressed.

[QUOTE=cheetahben;46020062]I went to a psych ward almost two years ago, it's crazy how much time has passed. While you're there it's gonna feel like it sucks, a LOT, but now I can safely say that with time you'll be glad you went. I'm able to appreciate things in a different light and gained a newfound passion for music and art in general.[/QUOTE] I'm surprisingly looking forward to it, but I'm at the same time very anxious about it. it's gonna be great to get off of the internet and finally get my health checked at the doctor there. I've most likely gotten an ear infection (fluid discharge from the ears, pain, headaches, and just gotten a fever) so getting rid of that would be pretty nice. any idea what to expect? it's really small at only 6 patients and staff. I'm gonna be the only guy there as well which has me anxious about standing out a lot more. the guy who I've been in contact with who works there told me to expect a lot of attention just for being a guy

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

[QUOTE=PredGD;46021749]I'm surprisingly looking forward to it, but I'm at the same time very anxious about it. it's gonna be great to get off of the internet and finally get my health checked at the doctor there. I've most likely gotten an ear infection (fluid discharge from the ears, pain, headaches, and just gotten a fever) so getting rid of that would be pretty nice. any idea what to expect? it's really small at only 6 patients and staff. I'm gonna be the only guy there as well which has me anxious about standing out a lot more. the guy who I've been in contact with who works there told me to expect a lot of attention just for being a guy[/QUOTE] Well when I was there, there were a lot. Like, 15 to 20 or so, people came and went as I was there. The girls and guys weren't allowed to talk with each other because a lot of the girls had been raped/molested and used sex as a getaway, but that didn't stop us from talking

[QUOTE=cheetahben;46021900]Well when I was there, there were a lot. Like, 15 to 20 or so, people came and went as I was there. The girls and guys weren't allowed to talk with each other because a lot of the girls had been raped/molested and used sex as a getaway, but that didn't stop us from talking[/QUOTE] it sounds like a recipe for disaster to put so many people with problems under the same roof. since there are so few, I imagine it'll be easier to form relations which should make stuff much easier, hopefully there was a lot of the same where I'm going back in 1970 with the staff taking advantage of the patients for sex, patients taking advantage of other patients, lots of drug abuse and a bunch of suicide. it's been a while and judging from what I know, that's a thing of the past. luckily, if it turns out to be shit, I'm in there voluntarily so it's always an option to back out

[QUOTE=PredGD;46022066]it sounds like a recipe for disaster to put so many people with problems under the same roof.[/QUOTE] Honestly I still wonder about the people I met there sometimes. Like, where they are now and if any of them are still alive. It really says something about society when some of the most interesting people I've met were at a mental hospital. Whatever.

[QUOTE=cheetahben;46022379]Honestly I still wonder about the people I met there sometimes. Like, where they are now and if any of them are still alive. It really says something about society when some of the most interesting people I've met were at a mental hospital. Whatever.[/QUOTE] It's not a big surprise to meet interesting people in a mental hospital? Probably got lot's of interesting stories to tell.

I am sorry if this is the wrong thread, but I don't know where else to ask! I've got depression and anxiety, although lately I've been having trouble with my appetite even when I'm not feeling anxious or depressed. I hate how thin I am, yet I can't bring myself to eat, and even thinking about food when I'm like that makes me feel like throwing up. I hate it, and it really messes with me since I constantly feel like I have no energy even when I'm not feeling depressed just because I haven't had anything to eat. My therapist thought it was to do with the anxiety and just recommended forcing myself to eat so I had some energy, but it's so hard to do when I constantly feel like throwing up.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle doing coursework at my school. Not too long ago whilst doing biology I just suddenly froze and starting to cry, all I could think was that everything I am doing was just a waste of time and that I will never pass no matter how hard I try and that I was a pathetic burden on my teacher's time, my teacher ended up calling my mother and I left soon afterward. All throughout this week my mood has been getting worse and worse and I don't know why, on Wednesday I spent the majority of the first lesson shouting at my friends on the table and at myself about pretending to be something I'm not and the only way for me to have any friends is to act stupid and humiliate myself in every possible way because otherwise no one would care in the slightest. I then spent the second lesson just sitting alone at a table not talking for the entirety. Then in the last lesson I sat there writing while crying quietly, I never talked to anyone and couldn't get the thoughts that I was a failure out of my head. All I could think about was that all I had done throughout the course was drag down my friends and copy off them and that without them I would have failed since I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything myself. I'm sorry if this post was too long, I just wanted to mention this to someone.

I hate the stigma people seem to have against quiet people. I'm quiet, but if you get to know me I'm a really nice guy. People don't look far past the whole quiet part and just assume I don't want to talk to them or something, when in reality, there's nothing I'd be more grateful for than if someone just came up and talked to me.

On the flipside, I hate how people think introverted people are required to be quiet

Idk why but weird people get me upset because it sometimes makes me think "this isn't considered weird by a lot of people therefore I must be the weird one" Like I was looking up shit on tumblr (humor, GIFs, ect) and I found this one blog with cats which also contained porn. It's like wtf is going through people's minds. I know I'm going to get people screaming at me saying "omg judgemental!" but it's like how can you defend this

All my friends were at a party. I wasn't invited and they even talked about around me. Why can't anyone see that I want to be a part of it too?

[QUOTE=Torjuz;46029891]All my friends were at a party. I wasn't invited and they even talked about around me. Why can't anyone see that I want to be a part of it too?[/QUOTE] Say it, don't sit around thinking they can read your mind. If they're acting like you don't exist, are they really friends?

So I've been at University for a week now and I don't think I've been so depressed or lonely in my entire life. I don't want to go out, I can't make friends, I'm scared as fuck about the work I'm going to have to do and I feel incapable of performing basic tasks such as buying food or washing clothes. I just have no motivation to do anything and I just don't know how I'm going to cope like this for 3 months.

I often feel like I fucked up in parts of my life that I'll never be able to sort out. education is incredibly basic, large parts of my childhood was spent playing games, and a large part of my teenage life was spent doing the same thing. these are things I will never be able to go back and fix, and with an education that is barely even there, it doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere I want to go in terms of work. looking forward, all I have in wait now is 60> years of adulthood, if I live that long. my parents and other adults always tell me they miss school and miss being young, and here I am, not able to experience what they are missing. it feels like my life is a puzzle, missing half the set which I'll never find again. I'll never see the complete picture

[QUOTE=Thaard;46030003]Say it, don't sit around thinking they can read your mind. If they're acting like you don't exist, are they really friends?[/QUOTE] I didn't know it before it was going on though. I'm too scared just to say "can I join in?" Also I connected the dots when I got a snap from someone at the party and though about what my friend had been talking about. Edit - got a snap from some other friend, she and her friends in my clas are having a party today. Won't get invited though, because I have a penis...

i wanna fuckin kill myself so fucking tired of all this shit

[QUOTE=Torjuz;46032160]I didn't know it before it was going on though. I'm too scared just to say "can I join in?" Also I connected the dots when I got a snap from someone at the party and though about what my friend had been talking about. Edit - got a snap from some other friend, she and her friends in my clas are having a party today. Won't get invited though, because I have a penis...[/QUOTE] wut? don't beat yourself up about it. Either go out with some beers with some real friends, or stay at home and do something productive. That's what I usually do. Keep yourself occupied.

I misplaced my medicine so i haven't had any for two days. I've been very teary all day, and I just recalled a particularly shitty memory from the past. Around 2004, there was a young guy who went by Shawn64 who made some pretty impressive stuff in Game Maker. He had a site and forums which I belonged to. It was my first forum and I remember a lot of cool people. I liked Shawn's stuff and he and the forums were a big inspiration and got me into tinkering with GM and pixel art. Despite Shawn being very talented he spoke very lowly of himself and what he did. In 2006 he committed suicide. He was only 17. Every now and then I think about him and how well he would have done for himself with the surge of indie game platforms and I just feel like shit. I can't help but think if he just had more support in his life he could have found happiness and financial success. I feel guilty that someone so inspiring and talented felt so unhappy with his life that he chose to end it, and here I am not achieving much of anything. Please guys, take care of yourselves. Take your medicine, see your doctors, read books, eat well, exercise, talk to your therapists, write down your thoughts and fears, learn something new, keep your appointments, and be kind to yourselves. You've inspired people even if you aren't aware of it.

[QUOTE=Thaard;46034459]wut? don't beat yourself up about it. Either go out with some beers with some real friends, or stay at home and do something productive. That's what I usually do. Keep yourself occupied.[/QUOTE] Problem is that I'm broke, most of my friends are occupied at parties or something else. Tried to get my best friend to do something but he was tired and wanted to sleep. I've been laying in bed because I feel so worthless. I wish someone wanted to something with me. I was supposed to go to a lesson with other trombonists, but I ended up accidentally sleeping in, because I'm such a mess today. Really annoying to that amazing days and the next day everything you had is gone.

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;46021686]i've been drinking a fair bit to cope with my insufferable self esteem. I have a feeling I'm a bit addicted to alcohol as a result. I tell myself to man up and get my shit together but nothing really helps. I can't even look at a simple piece of art without getting mega depressed.[/QUOTE] Sorry to quote this but I was just wondering if there's any advice for what I should do. I get told constantly to get over it which doesn't help much.

[QUOTE=GhostProject;46032922]i wanna fuckin kill myself so fucking tired of all this shit[/QUOTE] Venting might help, to get it all out of your head if nothing else. :o

-snip-

I've been feeling incredibly exhausted for the past few days, even more than what I usually feel even when I'm having it rough. I can't tell if I should be blaming my fever, or if it's the anxiety behind moving away. weird thought that when I go to bed today, I'll wake up to moving away and something is going to happen. I feel like I want to write more, rant more, get my thoughts out, but there's not a whole lot of thoughts to share. I'm mostly concerned about my own looks. worried that my hair is ugly, I'll have bad hair days, not enough clothing variation, etc. incredibly scared of ending up as an outcast there who isn't able to connect very well with those there. in more unrelated news to what above, been bothered with thoughts of my ex again. it's pretty much the same rant every time, including me regretting being abusive to her, ruining our relationship, etc. I wish I could connect with her today just to ask how things are, how our relationship affected her and explain to her why I did as I did. I don't think it's ever going to happen though, don't think she'll find this information relevant anymore. suppose she's happy enough with splitting with me