Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

In other news, the girl in my dorm that I was together with(just gradually split up because she didn't have time, awkward living in the same dorm, and I didn't want to be the one constantly taking initiative) has suddenly a boyfriend again it seems.. Well, not the first time I've been lied to by women, and albeit I'm a bit miffed at the moment, it feels like we weren't meant to be. We were too similar on some points, but I think she's a bit fake, trying to cover up certain things by being "happy", smiling, and ending all her messages with "hehe", no self-irony among other things. I don't know why the fuck she didn't say so in the first place, instead of stupid excuses. Another reasons why I've almost always stating what I mean and not lying to people.. Sorry if this is some relationship shit, but I don't want to talk about it anywhere else. Just going to out with my friends and have fun tonight. Also, don't date a girl who sleeps with you on the first date.

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I keep having thoughts that other people can read my mind and it gives me a headache, it happens for about a few minutes twice a week and I've had these thoughts for several months now.

I know this will sound stupid, but with how my psychs have been beating around the bush with schizophrenia as diagnosis, I am seriously considering committing suicide. I have gone through out life being judged as awkward, retarded, and weak... If I end up with a diagnosis that basically says that I'm mentally impaired, I'd rather be dead and spare my family the shame of having a mentally retarded son/brother/uncle.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;46093453]I know this will sound stupid, but with how my psychs have been beating around the bush with schizophrenia as diagnosis, I am seriously considering committing suicide. I have gone through out life being judged as awkward, retarded, and weak... If I end up with a diagnosis that basically says that I'm mentally impaired, I'd rather be dead and spare my family the shame of having a mentally retarded son/brother/uncle.[/QUOTE] I don't think your friends and family have same view on it as you. Maybe you should talk to them about it? I'm not really knowledgeable about shizo, but is it something that worsens with age? What are the treatments? In other news, was drinking and having fun yesterday, until I started thinking about my ended relationship. I just stood up and went home. No stupid aggression stuff though, so that's an improvement.

I always get the impression my father puts a lot of blame on me when we talk of my situation. that my situation is caused solely by myself, that I need to do something myself, that I'm making it worse for myself by not wanting to talk of it, etc. annoys me to no end as I'm fully aware of what I have done which worsened my situation, but it was never intentional. it's not like I'm isolating myself because I think it's a grand idea, but because of anxiety and other things I can't find words for. his attitude reminds me a lot of "get over it". what bothers me the most is how he makes me out as some lazy slob who can't be bothered to fix his own situation and only relies on outside help. it's true I rely a lot on other people, but it's not like I haven't attempted to solve a lot of my things on my own, which hasn't worked out. isn't it natural to put more distance between yourself and something you tried when it proves to not work out, time after time? of course I rely on other people more than I did a few years ago, but it's nowhere near how he portrays it. an example would be the ward, I'm not exactly being spoonfed and the only day I'd consider myself spoonfed would be monday and partially on tuesday. he says he understands, but I don't think he really does

[QUOTE=PredGD;46096164]I always get the impression my father puts a lot of blame on me when we talk of my situation. that my situation is caused solely by myself, that I need to do something myself, that I'm making it worse for myself by not wanting to talk of it, etc. annoys me to no end as I'm fully aware of what I have done which worsened my situation, but it was never intentional. it's not like I'm isolating myself because I think it's a grand idea, but because of anxiety and other things I can't find words for. his attitude reminds me a lot of "get over it". what bothers me the most is how he makes me out as some lazy slob who can't be bothered to fix his own situation and only relies on outside help. it's true I rely a lot on other people, but it's not like I haven't attempted to solve a lot of my things on my own, which hasn't worked out. isn't it natural to put more distance between yourself and something you tried when it proves to not work out, time after time? of course I rely on other people more than I did a few years ago, but it's nowhere near how he portrays it. an example would be the ward, I'm not exactly being spoonfed and the only day I'd consider myself spoonfed would be monday and partially on tuesday. he says he understands, but I don't think he really does[/QUOTE] I think i kind of get you. I've had problems with motivation/getting to work on anything for my whole life, and social anxiety/existential crisis didn't make it any better too. While i know it was me who put myself in this situation, i told my mum straight that i might have some mental issues or something, and today in her rage about me sitting on computer for 10 minutes in the morning i heard that she needs to do everything for me and would understand me just playing all day if i 'really was retarted'. I don't even know what to think anymore tbh. I guess time will show. Good luck Pred, i hope you find someone who really tries to understand.

My dad, although a very kind and sacrificing man, does not understand my problems either. I love him, but he's just so oblivious sometimes, and when I said that I should have been in another kind of environment than the sports/jock one I was with, because my father was both a handball and a soccer trainer, he couldn't understand why. My psychologist said that I would have had much better with being in a art/music kind of environment. Althought I don't blame my parents, it get's me thinking sometimes on how things could have been.

Vent time. I have too much on the mind right now. About work, money, driving, and future life. I can't seem to sleep. Too many what-ifs on my mind. Right now my parents are in Vegas for a week. I have to look after my sister whilst being out of the house for 12 hours due to work. I don't have my licence because I need money ($1000 plus tax). I also need money to pay back my father ($700) and money for food ($15 a day). School does not prepare you for this. I posted this in virtually every ranting thread and venting doesn't seem to help.

My friend really wants to help me with my depression and anxiety but she doesn't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I just need help and she's the only one who's willing to try, but she asks how she can help me and I have no clue.

Being a supporting friend and listening to what you have to say while you find and go through treatment, probably Not everyone is a psychologist/psychiatrist but anyone can be supportive and listen

So my doctor has pretty much put it at 60% chance of being schizophrenic... When I tried talking to some old friends about it, they started to distance from me stating that they are worried I'm a psychopath now. Please god, just strike me down for being a broken being.

[QUOTE=Tobin;46112541]My friend really wants to help me with my depression and anxiety but she doesn't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I just need help and she's the only one who's willing to try, but she asks how she can help me and I have no clue.[/QUOTE] [url]http://mxoagentjohnson.tumblr.com/post/98547491014/animedavidbowie-unrecognizedpotential#notes[/url] Just some suggestions i find that help. Even though i dont actually let my place get messy :)

I've been very optimistic about the ward, but I feel that optimism is starting to fade away. It's usually like this, I'll try something new and I'll give 120% from myself without feeling much negative, then that initial kick starts fading away after some time and I get very depressed. My expections before I got here gradually becomes more and more true. I don't feel like I fit, that people's interests are miles away from my own, and most noticeable, the other patients have a lot more visible energy than I have which makes it hard to take part of stuff as I don't laugh at jokes or contribute much. Been mostly depressed over something specific today. Right after dinner, 3 of the other patients went to watch a movie I had no interest in seeing. Combine this with me feeling excluded and hated the second I start feeling ignored, it's not a very good formula. I just want someone to talk to and get safe on. Though its very hard when I for some reason think I'm in the position to judge a person by nitpicky things in apperence or behavior. That, and that I get jealous the second I'm not part of something This will be a rough night

im on cipralex and have been for a month. life isnt worth living still

I'm doing really shit at uni, well math anyway. I probably shouldn't feel that bad about failing a course that 75% of the class failed last year, but I still do. It's affecting my work in other classes.

[QUOTE=Speedhax;46128177]im on cipralex and have been for a month. life isnt worth living still[/QUOTE] give it more time dude, took me like 2-3 months to get stable. Either that or increase your dose gradually.

Don't know where to start, really. My depression really 'started' around 2009, when I lost my house due to some dumbass legal loophole that was able to get us swindled by our neighbors that took it from us. We were pretty poor, but we'd made the proper payments and everything, except they kept conveniently 'losing them' each time they were sent. But yeah. Had to move out. Gave us a 20 day notice, which was normally 30 days but they shortened it just for us. This all caused me to fall into a dark pit of perpetual worry and sorrow that physically made me sick everyday for the remainder of that year. Because of this, school was in impossibility on the days that I could actually go, and as such, it caused me to just drop out. I thought I'd let everyone down after that, and my depression got worse. I lost 80 pounds within a year because I'd puked so much. I used to be a bit of a chunk so it's not all bad. Just wish it had gone under different circumstances. Anyway, we finally U-Hauled out of there and had moved to one of my Grandma-In-Law's rental homes. The depression was still pretty bad and the puking would persist, but as the years went on, it quietly retreated back into the pits of my subconscious, still lingering, but benign for the most part. Met some really awesome online friends who I consider my only friends to this day, as sad as that sounds. By the time 2012 rolled around, I was feeling alright for the first time in a long time. I was pretty lonely in terms of having 'someone', but that's something I just tried (hard) not to focus on. 2013; I'd finally got myself a job. It was seasonal, but I thought that maybe this is the start of a new road for me. The July of that year, they decided that I was "stretching too much" and "looked like I didn't wanna be there" so they kicked me out. Initially, I wasn't even upset, because the hours they had me working were shit and were subject to change pretty much all the time. They'd change them without telling me most of the time, even. So I was actually glad for about 2 days that I was gone. After that though, the depression was back, full force and unrelenting. I was having suicidal thoughts pretty much daily, I'd stopped trying to talk to my friends, and I'd lost the passion for just about everything. I didn't wanna do, say, eat, or hear anything. I'd lie wide awake in bed just wondering how meaningless it was for me to be alive and how I didn't mean much anything to anyone. Of course, none of that was true. It was just the storm raging in my mind. I just thought there was nothing for me in the future and I was gonna die alone. This would go on for a few months until I started to come out of my shell a bit more. I would talk to friends a little bit more in hopes of getting some positivity into my life instead of shutting it out, and it worked. Around August or so, I started a long distance relationship with Heavyguy here on FP. I was still kind of coming back out at the time, but he really REALLY helped move things a bit faster. He liked pretty much everything I did, he's cute, smart, funny, and is someone I can just shoot the shit with if I want to. Perfect boyfriend to me. He made me genuinely happy for the time that we were together and I'll always love him for it. Fast forward to around now. After about a year of being together, me and Heavy split up a few weeks ago. It was on completely amicable terms that we both agreed with. The stress of maintaining a meaningful relationship over such a great distance was weighing down on both of us and causing us kind of drift apart. That and the means were just too demanding for us to actually meet one day. But we remained friends for the time being. Then we got into a fight. Some things were said by both of us and we ended up not being friends for a little less than a week. It really took a toll on me and I'm sure it did him as well, but we made up eventually and are friends again. But I digress. Right now, I'm sort of feeling the same way I felt around 2010. Pretty damned depressed, no real direction, no self confidence, no hopes for my life in the long run, just kind of empty sometimes. My sleeping pattern is all over the place and sometimes I'll just pass out and not remember the previous day all that well. The days tend to blend together now, mainly cuz I do nothing but sit here and talk to people on the internet. The job situation is still pretty dreary. I have no GED still. No car. Nothing to really show for all the time I've been alive. I get really jealous when someone talks about how great they're doing and how happy they are with someone. I mean, I feel happy for them all the same and I wish them nothing but the best, but I can't help my selfish side, wishing I was actually something other than this. I'm getting lost in the malaise of being in this town, as well. Seeing all the same sights and reminders of the past, for better or for worse. I really want to get out and experience something else, but of course, in order to do that, I need money. The main problem I'm having is that all of my good friends live so far away from me. I really really appreciate all of my friends for always sticking by me no matter what I said or did, and I really wished I could physically be there to hug them and see them and spend time with them, but I can't. God that makes me feel pathetic. All I really want is someone else with me. Not just over the internet. Someone else right here with me. To stop me from thinking of the terrible thoughts of suicide and pure sorrow. Someone that could maybe cuddle with me in the same bed. Someone I can really actually lean on. Not to cling to, mind you. Just someone I could see whenever I don't feel so hot. I don't know what I need right now, but I wish it would just come to me because in the current state I'm in, I can't just go get it. I'm sorry if that was way too long. It's late and I just needed to spill my mind onto something and get shit off my chest. No one has to read that. I just wanted to say all that.

Really tried my best in the 1.language subject but it doesn't really seem to pay off. Worked so much on it that i got really sick, but I ended up getting around worst in class. Got me really down and I haven't slept properly for the last few days. It's really starting to drag onto me, and the depression is still here. I can't tell my parents about me having problems in that subject, because they don't understand how I can be bad at it. And now it's vacation, meaning 1 week of tryingto keep myself occupied so I don't die

So a few of my friends and I wanted to smoke pot and hang out, and something really disturbing happened. Long story short, one of my friends bashed another friend that I was better at grappling/wrestling than he was, and we decided to just end the argument and spar. The bad news is, I was extremely sick and was probably going to lose, but in the end I actually won and the argument ended. The problem was that he managed to get a really good choke hold on me and make it harder for me to breath. This, plus having a completely blocked nose do to being sick, made it really hard to breath. After about an hour or so, we finally ended up smoking. If no one know,s smoking obviously burns your lungs and makes it even harder to breath. The combination of the choke hold, being sick, and smoking made it so hard for me to breath that I really believe that I topped for about 2 minutes. Those two minutes made me have the most vivid and realistic flashback to when I punctured my lung years ago, and I honestly felt like I was dying. As soon as my flashback ended, one of my friends noticed (as though my flashback was perfectly timed for someone to react) and called everyone over to make sure I was OK. This flashback really messed me up, as I was pretty much over my PTSD episodes months ago, but because of this incident it started back up (albeit not as bad as when I first got it). I didn't have the heart to tell my friends about my PTSD, what caused it in the first place, nor the flashback. Does anyone ever truly get over PTSD, or is it a life-long fight to forget it?

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[originally quote from zillamaster] What you feel currently shouldn't determine a permanently-resulting action. Don't ever think you're not worth something or anything of the sort. Everyone has a worth, and yours is just as right as anyone else's in this world. Don't think of suicide—it really is never a good solution. If you would reach out, there are tonnes of people who I'm sure wouldn't mind (and in fact would enjoy) being able to help you out of your current mood and hopefully your situation in life that's causing your mood & thoughts, if possible. You can add so many of us from this thread here, or you could try to visit a free pscyhology clinic, or talk online to strangers (there's a site for online, free counseling, I forget the name at the moment thouhg) But please do not think of killing yourself. That's never a good solution, and you're never 'not worth dealing with'.

- [editline]7th October 2014[/editline] Had 2 pieces of toast, couple spoonfuls of oatmeal for breakfast. Too much, so I'll have to skip lunch. I was a retard and had dinner+dessert last night, and I only ran 9 miles. I need to run 10 tonight and then skip dinner, make an excuse that I feel sick so I'll go straight to bed. I'm tired of wasting everyone's time being fat. My thighs are watermelons, I have a huge gut, I look like a dumb fat fuck that's here to just ruin everyone's day. Nobody would miss me if I was gone anyways, I really doubt it. People would move on pretty quickly I bet.

Zilla, most of the FP gunclub would miss you! Come on man, chill out and if you need to hit me or Ridge up, I'll send you my number over Steam!

Zilla, add me on Steam. [url]http://steamcommunity.com/id/ridge/[/url]

Zilla, we care about you and we'd hate to leave you without help and support. No GunPuncher left behind! Hit me up on steam as well. ([url]http://steamcommunity.com/id/vaun_s[/url])

If it weren't for my knife being sheathed earlier, I'd be dead right now, instead of having a large bruise, and possible rib fracture on my LHS.

I've come to an interesting situation that I hate and love. me and the girl I posted about two weeks ago ended up making out in bed yesterday, and went the final mile with sex today. while its a great feeling to be proven wrong that I would never meet another girl again, it's still a very uncomfortable situation for me when we're not by ourselves. I'm not sure where I have her and my feelings aren't very clear. we're barely talking when we're not alone, her social skills are way above mine and she is full of energy which I'm not. she also texts a dude I know she has had sex with before which makes me worried. I'm not sure what she wants between us either, but I have a feeling she has no relationship plans which I don't have either but there are some feelings involved from me which makes it even more awkward I'm both proud and happy about this entire ordeal, but very confused and worried as well. considering a failed relationship started my mental roller-coaster to begin with, it would be very bad if I got heartbroken again. it sounds like a good idea to back off, but easier said than done. [editline]8th October 2014[/editline] I can hear her talk outside of my room right now and my stomach feels turned inside out. I don't feel involved and I get jealous so faaast, which reminds me way too much of my previous relationship I feel sick [editline]8th October 2014[/editline] does it sound like a good idea to just ask her tomorrow if we're just fuck buddies or something more?

I care about my friends so much and I feel that they don't see it and it feels like they don't really care for me. I don't even care about myself, I'm literally nothing and I know that. If I ever had to choose to end my life to save one of my friends, then I would do it. I'm only trying as hard as I can to get somewhere for others, it almost doesn't feel right but sometimes it feels SO right. I honestly have had some thoughts about just dropping everything in my life to join the Peace Corps or another group trying to provide humanitarian aid somewhere in the world. I just don't get some peoples motivation in life, I only care about other people and when the people whom I care for the most fail to see it makes me feel as though I truly have no purpose. I probably sound like all kinds of fucked up to you all.

[QUOTE=PredGD;46184970]I've come to an interesting situation that I hate and love. me and the girl I posted about two weeks ago ended up making out in bed yesterday, and went the final mile with sex today. while its a great feeling to be proven wrong that I would never meet another girl again, it's still a very uncomfortable situation for me when we're not by ourselves. I'm not sure where I have her and my feelings aren't very clear. we're barely talking when we're not alone, her social skills are way above mine and she is full of energy which I'm not. she also texts a dude I know she has had sex with before which makes me worried. I'm not sure what she wants between us either, but I have a feeling she has no relationship plans which I don't have either but there are some feelings involved from me which makes it even more awkward I'm both proud and happy about this entire ordeal, but very confused and worried as well. considering a failed relationship started my mental roller-coaster to begin with, it would be very bad if I got heartbroken again. it sounds like a good idea to back off, but easier said than done. [editline]8th October 2014[/editline] I can hear her talk outside of my room right now and my stomach feels turned inside out. I don't feel involved and I get jealous so faaast, which reminds me way too much of my previous relationship I feel sick [editline]8th October 2014[/editline] does it sound like a good idea to just ask her tomorrow if we're just fuck buddies or something more?[/QUOTE] I warned you about this, but you didn't listen. This is going to end BAAAAD! Abandon, abandon!