Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Thaard;46190007]I warned you about this, but you didn't listen. This is going to end BAAAAD! Abandon, abandon![/QUOTE] it's already tearing on me pretty badly, I really messed this up. she is just so much more positive and talkative with others, she never enters a conversation or joins in on a conversation I'm having but she does with others. she never wonders where I am, if I don't take the initiative nothing happens what do I do now? I think I should distance myself and wait until she takes the initiative, but at the same time I'm not sure what her thoughts are. what if she is just shy since we've been getting intimate? I really need to distance myself completely don't I? gets hard when we both live under the same roof

[QUOTE=PredGD;46190705]it's already tearing on me pretty badly, I really messed this up. she is just so much more positive and talkative with others, she never enters a conversation or joins in on a conversation I'm having but she does with others. she never wonders where I am, if I don't take the initiative nothing happens what do I do now? I think I should distance myself and wait until she takes the initiative, but at the same time I'm not sure what her thoughts are. what if she is just shy since we've been getting intimate? I really need to distance myself completely don't I? gets hard when we both live under the same roof[/QUOTE] She's probably just using you for sex, and then dumps you when she's had enough. Just chill it, and see what happens. Never take the initiative in the future.

[QUOTE=Thaard;46192471]She's probably just using you for sex, and then dumps you when she's had enough. Just chill it, and see what happens. Never take the initiative in the future.[/QUOTE] yeah, I'll go with the flow and not think too much of it. had a lot of bad thoughts earlier about it, but ended up in just assuming she just wants sex so I'm not going to act like there's any love involved. already feel much better about it now, so we'll see how it escalates from here no talks, no thoughts about it, just go with the flow

Hi, I don't know if this is the right thread for this, but here goes? I want to kill myself, but it isn't because I want to escape from anything. My life is pretty good, and while I'm pretty lonely, I'm relatively happy. I just... hate myself. Any little mistake I make will send me spiraling into self-hate for no rational reason. I spend a significant amount of each day imagining killing myself in the most horrible, painful ways I can think up, and it's fun to do so. That's a little bit scary, that I relish the thought of hurting and killing myself so much. I don't actually do it, but I've come dangerously close before. I've already stopped storing my knife in my bedroom because I don't quite trust myself around it. So basically, I'm a fully functional person who happens to fantasize heavily about self harm and suicide. It doesn't impact my life in any significant way, but I get the feeling it's not healthy to be thinking about this stuff so much. So I don't know if this is an actual disorder that needs treatment or if I'm just whiny. I have to say, though, that putting this out there feels great. I don't have any friends to talk to and I don't want to worry my parents.

[QUOTE]I'm still worried about what I'll do when I'm finished at uni. I won't have great credentials when I leave and I honestly doubt I'll get a job outside of KFC. I mean it was either take a Bachelor of Arts in Game Design and get a decent folio out of it, or take a Bachelor of IS and achieve bare minimum marks and results over a period of 7 years, but hey, I'm just not cut for uni anyway so why I even went in the first place is beyond me. Oh right, because I had no choice. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I wish my parents would have listened to my grievances before instead of just going with the mentality of "you go to uni or else".[/QUOTE] just posting this here because I don't know what to do. I'm really lost

I honestly don't even know how I'm alive, I've put a loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Tried to crash my bike into a car and instead skid out before I hit it and honestly I'm thinking of jumping this time. I'll hitch a ride to Dallas, find the tallest building I can get roof access to and jump. Besides, 3rd times a charm right?

I skipped taking my meds for a couple days. When I don't take my [I]antidepressants[/I], I feel alive. Fuck Limotragine.

How long have you been taking them? They take a couple of months to start to feel a difference, if not, then try new ones since they're not working.

[QUOTE=Roll_Program;46199223]How long have you been taking them? They take a couple of months to start to feel a difference, if not, then try new ones since they're not working.[/QUOTE] 1 1/2 months. After 4 weeks I had to switch to a higher dosage, that's when it went downhill. Lower dosage was fine

Many years ago, I saw a child get molested. I was only a young kid myself, so I had no idea what was happening. I only realised what happened around eight years later. For the most part, I've come to terms with what happened and accepted that I was just a young child who didn't know what was happening, but some days, I feel so guilty and disgusted at myself for letting it happen. I break down crying if something reminds me of it. I don't think there has been a day in which it hasn't been in my mind. I want to speak up about it, tell people I trust and get help so I can finally get over it, but I just can't get the confidence to bring it up to anyone.

been thinking of picking up contact with the girl I've known for a while now next week to get a break from the ward and to distance myself from that other girl. pretty sure it's gonna backfire though, she's pregnant and struggles a lot with anxiety herself so I haven't been successful in meeting her without her bringing her mother. I suppose the odds are better this time seeing as I have more to talk about, isn't as depressed as when I first got to know her, and generally feel more confident as I'm getting more comfortable with being social. should probably focus on getting to know some of the other patients at the ward as well so I don't have to rely on the girl I've already gotten to know for stuff to happen. been thinking of picking up anti-depressants again now that I'm in more activity. kinda silly to think anti-depressants would work at all back when I took them considering I kept sitting in isolation etc. I imagine them having more of an effect if it's used to amplify what's already there which there is now. lots of rambling, but felt the need to spill my thoughts out somewhere. been considering to get a blog so I can write about my day to get stuff off my chest without being worried of spamming this thread down. :v: [editline]10th October 2014[/editline] I'm also going out to get some new clothes next week, which is very much needed. I don't have much variation and finally I feel a lot safer on buying clothes. I suppose things can change the very last moment, but hey, it's a huge step! this is the first time in a long while I can say I'm content with life

is it normal for my chest to still hurt occasionally 9 hours after a panic attack

Out of weed again. Drowning out the cacophony of the world with rum.

So I've got a story from the past month. I was home for most of the month because I was undergoing psychiatric treatment after confessing to the military shrink that I was contemplating suicide (going so far as to hang off a tall guard post just to see what it would feel like to know that I have the choice of ending it), he let me go on a month military leave and sent me to a nice psychiatrist that prescribed me lexapro (cipralex, escitalopram, etc) to calm my newly diagnosed anxiety issues, which apparently escalated into depression since I started my service. I have a slight problem with substance abuse, which could collide with the new pill I'm taking (apparently alcohol is the worst offender, also one of my favorite highs). To combat this I tried going cold turkey on everything, which worked until I returned to the grind. That's when I noticed the frustration from everyday life isn't turning into anguish like before. It just builds up frustration. I started smoking again, heavier than before. Did some minor/major stimulants, quit psychedelics altogether since I'm more scared for my sanity than ever. hoo diddly I am not a responsible dude. The suicidal thoughts did stop though, I didn't feel panicked or emotionally exhausted when they turned up the heat at work. I feel more sociable while sober, which is pretty handy for big ol' introvert. I think I can take this new mindset and work with it, grow a thicker skin, stop using drugs irresponsibly/try to learn to enjoy being sober at least until I'm done with my treatment. For the first time in forever I'm feeling confident in what's going to happen, well, at least more than before. tl;dr: treatment can be good, even when you don't feel like you need it. [sp]I'm a lone faggot stoner[/sp] Also crushing on straight dudes. It's quite.... crushing.

spoke with an old friend of mine who I got to know in 2010. last I saw her was in december or january, and like most of my old friends, I just dropped contact out of nowhere due to my condition. we decided to meet up on tuesday! with her, I'm fairly sure I got a strong foundation to expand on my social circles. gonna send a message to the girl I've seen most recently on monday and ask her how she's doing. hopefully she'll be able to meet up as well, but I have my doubts due to pregnancy and anxiety. I'll take it when it happens though, and it's no biggie if she doesn't want. hooray for progress!

It's been a little bit since I last posted, but I didn't want to choke up the thread with posts of me being depressed over and over. I wanted to see if I could make some solid progress before I posted again, and it looks like I might have. I started recently on a few anti-fungal's, because I had this constant suspicion that most of my depression, fatigue and muscle pains were from a candida overgrowth (since what started all of this was me being on immunosuppressants), and the same time that I stopped having my muscle pains was when I started taking anti-fungal enzymes. After I got my chest infection a few months ago, I was on some strong antibiotics. A week after finishing those my muscle pains, eye pain and everything else started up again. It just confirmed my suspicions. I've been on these anti-fungals for about 2 weeks now. My mood is skyrocketing, my energy is back up and my motivation is the same. I was worried it might've been the placebo effect again or that it'd taper off, but it hasn't, not yet anyway. Half the reason why I waited 2 weeks before I made a post about it was in case it turned out to just be nothing (I didn't want to get my hopes up yet again). Since starting them I was even able to pick up an extra shift at work and steamroll through both shifts with no effort, on 5 hours of sleep for both no less. It's absolutely insane. I can't describe it. I was worried at first that I might've just been having a hypomanic episode, but then it kept going past the third day, then the fourth, then the fifth. It hasn't stopped. However, it doesn't change the fact that my brain got pretty fucked up because of the encephalitis; I still have some concentration issues and trouble thinking compared to last year, but my motivation to work on both is up greatly, and I'm hoping to make some good progress with both now that summer is here and I can start exercising again. Honestly, I'm ecstatic. It hurts knowing I'll never have those 9 months back, and my brain is still not making connections properly, but it's good to know what was doing me so much harm and trouble, and giving me such severe depression. It'll be months until I'm free of candida, and I might even have to keep taking these for longer, but it beats wishing I were dead. Sorry for the horrible structuring as usual. I should really work on that.

That's scary, makes me wonder if I should get tested since I had a couple of years when I was taking antibiotics for long periods of time, and gave me fungal infections that were only treated externally.

Finally got to spend a night out drinking with my friends. I was very stressed and such but thanks to my best friend, he got me calmed down. I've never felt so good in a long while, because people actually cared about me, even though it's hard to keep that mindset when you feel depressed, anxious and insane. I've had on and off problems with sweating and headaches. I believe it might be a problem due to me being emotional and really stressed. Might have to go to the doctor and check, just hope they don't know about the psychiatrist visit from last year. Also, extensive crisis can go fuck itself, I'm tired of it...

Tired, sooo so tired. Haven't slept well the last week, so I'm pretty much running on fumes atm. Hopefully I can get a good night sleep soon, or else I'll have to take some benzos again. Haven't taken a tab since last christmas cuz they make me feel like shit.

yo so I think I may have been depressed on and off for almost the last 10 years and I have done nothing about it what do

[QUOTE=RobbL;46216257]yo so I think I may have been depressed on and off for almost the last 10 years and I have done nothing about it what do[/QUOTE] Go to a shrink at get an evaluation.

cheers

Here we are again. I am now awaiting response from uni about me repeating a semester, it's being kicked out and paying my students loan if they will reject me, and i am pretty certain they will. Why keep a student who can't even go to lectures and abandones his classes, he surely just disrespects every proffesor. My parents ask me awkward questions, like what do i plan to do in my life, why did i fail, will i get to work if they will accept me? The worst thing is not knowing the answer. I simply don't know what to say, how can i respond if i don't know myself, and by that i mean i don't know anything about myself anymore too. Other that i am a fat piece of shit of course but that is easy to find out by looking at my daily routine which is sleep for 10 hours, wake up, eat, be on computer, eat, be on computer and repeat. But what to do in life anyways? Live for minimal wage because the economy is shit? Work to sustain your shitty life that will pass fast anyways? Live for [B]what?[/B] I don't know myself. I just, i just don't know what to do anymore to be honest. I am too afraid to see a doctor about it, i'm [I]just lazy and addicted to video games[/I], like my mother thinks, or am i? I don't know. Blaming it all on a mental illness seems just like finding an excuse for your own failure. I don't want to be dead either. You die and what next, nothingness? End of the line? It is even a shittier end than being a lazy leech for end of your life. I just needed to vent, i'll mostly likely return to slow vegetation tommorow, again, if you have some feedback on this stupid rant i'll be glad to read it of course. Goodnight everyone

It really doesn't matter how good your day has been, how well the previous day went or how optimistic you are about the rest of your week. At any moment, anything (even something almost completely inconsequential) can knock you on your ass. And then it's amazing just how fast you fall, if you have nothing to grab hold of. Couple weeks went by, I hadn't even had a shot of whiskey. Today, I went out, bought a new bottle (been out for those couple weeks but that was okay,) and I'm about to go to town on it. I have work tomorrow, this isn't a very good idea at all but there's absolutely no other relief in sight. It's funny, the drinking doesn't even really help. Hell, if anything it just encourages me to be a sad sack to the small amount of friends I have left, which in turn makes me feel worse later, which then exacerbates the drinking. I have no idea why it's something I run to; I know I have a problem. (First step is admitting it!) I think a friend of mine visits this topic, I'm not sure if I'll snip this later or not; he feels awful he can't do anything for me so I've been holding back in a lot of cases because I didn't want him to feel worse but, I'm partly writing this to try and talk myself out of drinking tonight. I'm not about to do anything permanent, I put my knives away and I'm ready for bed. I wish I didn't think about a certain person anymore. I wish I wasn't so clingy or needy for validation. I just wish I was stronger; for myself and other people. So I'll keep with the dramatizing; here's to getting stronger.

guess who just came home from the best social encounter I've had in ages? met my old friend today and went to town. we were out for about 1 hour and 30 mins. it went absolutely fantastic. shopping mall? lots of people? fuck that I'll act confident and pretend I'm amazing, and it worked. I felt good looking, I felt confident and I actively carried the conversation. I took the initiative and spoke with one of the others patients. small talked with her, and that worked great too. rejection? not a big deal, act cool and don't be afraid. rejection happens to everyone spoke with another old friend today over chat which went okay too, just we didn't plan anything. she struggles with her shit so I'm not going to blame myself for that gonna speak with another old friend of mine tomorrow, may pick up connections with some other people too anxiety? terrible self esteem? fuck that, it will never improve unless I take the initiative to get out of isolation. I'm so happy, I haven't felt as good as this in ages. the biggest mistake I've made so far when it comes to my condition has been waiting for something to happen.

[QUOTE=PredGD;46222522]guess who just came home from the best social encounter I've had in ages? met my old friend today and went to town. we were out for about 1 hour and 30 mins. it went absolutely fantastic. shopping mall? lots of people? fuck that I'll act confident and pretend I'm amazing, and it worked. I felt good looking, I felt confident and I actively carried the conversation. I took the initiative and spoke with one of the others patients. small talked with her, and that worked great too. rejection? not a big deal, act cool and don't be afraid. rejection happens to everyone spoke with another old friend today over chat which went okay too, just we didn't plan anything. she struggles with her shit so I'm not going to blame myself for that gonna speak with another old friend of mine tomorrow, may pick up connections with some other people too anxiety? terrible self esteem? fuck that, it will never improve unless I take the initiative to get out of isolation. I'm so happy, I haven't felt as good as this in ages. the biggest mistake I've made so far when it comes to my condition has been waiting for something to happen.[/QUOTE] That's what I've been saying to you all the time. Improve and be yourself. Make a difference.

I've concluded that [I]not being able to handle embarrassing things[/I] is my problem in this world. I always remember those situtations and get panic attacks. I can never let them go. I really hope my new therapist can help me with this in some way.

I wanted to make a new account for this thread just in case a friend saw my post. I doubt he has ever seen this thread, but I just want to be certain. Over the last five years I went from a fucking neo nazi to an egalitarian Marxist. Seeing all the injustice and horsehit the world has shit out upon itself changed me over those five years and I quite like the person I am today but day by day I feel the stitching in the people suit I've made over the last five years come apart. In a less dramatic statement: I'm becoming an asshole again. I really don't want to be the person I used to be: a racist, xenophobic moron with a serious superiority complex. But every day I get angrier and angrier at the world, at people, and at myself. Even though I know it's completely impossible, I feel like I'm just becoming a psychopath over time. How can I have a five year period of complete empathy to a fault, and then just switch back to my old mindset of survival of the fittest? I really wish I only had my mind to focus on because my body is coming apart at the fucking seams. The combined stress of my mind being bifurcated between psychosis and rationality and my once Achaean physique's rapid decline is driving me to sanity's edge. I'm losing my hair, I have crows feet and eyes so sunken you'd think I was a zombie. My fingers are not digits but spikes carved from bone and flesh, barely able to grasp at things. I look like a seventy year old heroin junkie and I've never once touched narcotics. My once perfect Aryan physique is becoming a withered husk of bitterness and bones and no doctor so far has been able to provide me or my family with an explanation. Why am I going to university and my job if I know my fucking body is going to fall apart anyway? What point is there in preparing for an uncertain future? Am I relapsing into my horrid old self in some feeble attempt to preserve the past because I know I have nothing in the future? Allegedly there is nothing wrong with me mentally nor physically according to several psychologists and doctors. But I know that feeling this way every waking moment of my life. No matter how many clocks they make me draw, nor xrays, MRIs, ultrasounds, endoscopes, breath tests, blood tests, urine and stool samples they take. No one on the damn planet knows what's wrong with me which mean's no one knows how to fix me. So I guess I'll just stop getting my problems checked out if they don't exist. I remember about three years ago I had my first and so far only breakup because I realized I was gay. I tried to turn to religion but none of it could calm me, it merely made me ask more questions, leading me to a nearly unfollowable train of thought that another friend had to pull me out of. Why would a loving and caring God allow people to be gay? If it is an abomination like his various texts say, then why create it? Why create sin? Is god a sadist who's only entertainment is to set up the dominoes that are life and knock them down in more and more creative ways? Why would god allow a society that is inherently flawed and is killing his creations for no reason to exist? Why would a benevolent lord create a being with no physical or mental problems (according to medical professionals) who perceives himself to have those problems. Truly the world cannot see me as I see myself; a horrifying wraith with long limbs and endless pains. Truly these pains I feel throughout my body every waking moment that have not once been diagnosed cannot be real. If I assume that every one of my physical problems is not real, then surely the problem is mental, I must be so insane that I cannot hear a diagnosis of my mental disability, I must simply imagine them saying I'm sane. And if I can attribute the lack of a proper diagnosis to my own imagination then what else? Was yesterday real? Is god real? Are my friends real? Am I even real? This cyclical train of thought I have been able to break free of once with help, but I fear that when I relapse into the man I used to be I may not be able to rationalize enough to escape. I don't even know if what I've written is coherent or not, I've just written down everything that's been troubling me as I think of it. I'm not really looking for advice, nor do I expect anyone to read all of this, I need to vent my emotions in a semi anonymous and public way.

I'm honestly considering getting the gun out again and just pulling the trigger till it works, this life is fucking garbage and I really wouldn't mind leaving it all behind.

[QUOTE=Thaard;46216270]Go to a shrink at get an evaluation.[/QUOTE] By some weird coincidence I found two boxes left out in the kitchen on the same day I made an appointment to see a gp; a box of fluoxetine prescribed to my mum and amitriptyline prescribed to my dad. I'm going to assume the amitriptyline is for nerve pain (seeing as my dad has had... well, nerve pain), but I'm sure the fluoxetine is for depression. I've suspected my mum's been having problems for a long while, but it's still kind of a shock now that it's confirmed. Idk what to think