Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Hey guys I'm back again, Im extending my hand to all of you, or well more like my ear, or fingers... Basically if anyone needs to talk, doesn't matter what its about rant, talk about games etc. Just send me a message over FP

I've been having panic attacks at night. I'm really stressed out about my heart because I recently found out I have bad cholesterol, at age twenty fucking two. It doesn't help my panic attacks are a feeling of my heart racing like I'm about to have a heart attack. I can't find a way to calm down though, before they would like come and go when I was really stressed out now it's like because I'm worried it could be a heart problem and not stress even after panicking I have a dreading sort of feeling in my chest that makes me freak out at the slightest heart palpitation. I think I need to start taking anxiety medication or something. I took some advil earlier just in case, ya know, to feel a little bit at ease.

It sure sucks when it's difficult to pinpoint what is causing suicidal thoughts. Maybe my fear of having a STI, or my fear of my family knowing I'm a homo, or my lack of motivation regarding nearly everything. At this point I'm more interested in finding excuses to kill myself than the opposite. Life is just a bit too complicated for me. I just want to work a brainless job, go home, and watch TV/browse the internet/play video games, but clearly it's more complicated than that - not sure if that's what I'm interested in. I'd rather quit while I'm ahead.

I just wanted to pop in and say something, since I was reading all of these posts and reminded of how I used to be not too long ago. I don't know how much this is worth to you guys, but I'll tell you how I got over my severe depression and anxiety problems. I won't go too deeply into how hard it was to go through what I did, Ill try to keep it light and short, because of this I have to apologize if I seem naive and oblivious to what you guys go through. I'll get straight to it. Recently I realized that, my emotional problems stemmed from my non acceptance of myself. I hated the fact that I was depressed and stressed out all the time. And because of that I hated myself. It was just a viscous cycle. It seemed to be impossible to stop. I'm not going to say it was easy, but it was simple. First I accepted myself. I accepted the idea fully that I may never be happy. That things will never get better. I accepted that as a possibility. It's like when you need to go to sleep because you got work in the morning but you cant and its already 2 AM, so you get stressed about it and try really hard to fall asleep, but it doesn't work. Somewhere along the line you just give up and accept the fact that you might not ever fall asleep. Guess what happens? Boom your sleeping. After that, my problems werent so much of a problem anymore. I stopped thinking so much about how much shit sucks and how much I hate my life, but, there was still that hole in me that I couldn't seem to fill, this hole would easily bring me back to square 1 when I did nothing about it. Once I reached this point I realized that I had to face reality. I had to get out of my comfort zone, in a big way. I signed up for a boxing gym, it was one of the toughest descisions I have ever made, because I have never played any sports and was not athletic whatsoever. Then again, you don't really "play" boxing. After signing the two year contract, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, I couldn't even put the cap back on the pen. I went almost every day to the boxing class at 6pm after work for 1 hour each day. The first day, I thought I made a terrible mistake. That hour was grueling. Many thoughts ran through my head: "I can't do this" "this is impossible" "what the hell did I just sign up for" "what was I thinking" "here's another fuckup to add to the list" "this is the hardest thing I have ever done" and of course the complimentary "fuck my life" I wanted to quit, to go back in time and change my descision, but there was no going back, I signed the papers, I paid for this shit.. FUCK. I dreaded getting up in the morning, but, tired as hell and muscles sore and painful, I did it anyway, because I had no choice. I even went to sparring almost every friday and got my bell rung by guys much better and athletic than me, I didn't want to waste a dime of that money. It's funny how much a punch to the face can clear your head. I started working harder at it because I needed to be able to survive in the ring. I stopped eating junkfood, stopped smoking, and started running before class. Some nights I wouldn't be able to sleep because right as I drifted away I would feel a punch coming at me and recoil in my bed. That made me smile, it made me realize that I have something that I care about now. It's been about 5 months since then. And I can sincerely say, that I'm happy. I hope you guys liked my little story.

I'm suppose to be having my last diagnosis appointment on Friday... For the moment though I feel like putting this somewhere in case my depression manages to sweep me under. [quote]If you are reading this letter, I am sorry. I cannot even begin to describe the pain I have felt since I moved to North Dakota in 2012. It's a pain that has literally been chipping away at everything that has held me up for the last few years since I was thrown out of highschool, and as time goes on, it's only getting worse. Without literally screaming it at the top of my lungs, I realize that I'm a failure and at points would most likely be better off either running away or dead. With the case of this letter being discovered, the latter is most likely the ending I have taken. Even if that's the case, I know I have left many of you still questioning why I did it, and what exactly I could complain about with such a supposedly great life. It's not so much my lack of a highschool diploma, lack of a drivers license, or any of that... It's now just a matter of how terrible I feel on the inside, and how as time goes on, I am starting to hallucinate more, have more blistering headaches, and how I spent most of my days shattered and unable to communicate my dilemmas without going into an emotional breakdown. It's not a way to live, and I would not wish it on anyone at all. I know that I have broken promises to my family, mostly to my mother and father, who I had promised towards that I would never commit suicide after Uncle Colin's death back in 1999. This promise was also made towards my two sisters, Jessica and Melissa. I'm sorry to both of you, I know I swore I wouldn't do it after I tried back when I was fourteen, but as I have said many times, I feel like I'm unable to complete anything now without being medicated or doing some form of illicit drug to keep my mind steady long enough to complete a study or lesson of something like Khan Academy. If you must curse my name for what I have done to our family, please know that I only did it because I cannot live with my self being a sloth-like burden to our family, and living in the shadow of my father, grandfather, and great grandfather who all managed to become something even when life had thrown so many bricks at them. I'm a disgrace to our family name, and do not deserve to live for that reason alone. I feel as if I should address thing directly to each member of our family, as well as some of my friends to make some sort of understanding to what has happened. Mom & Dad - I'm sorry. I should of never quit highschool, should of never screwed up in middle school, and never got myself involved with drugs to ease the pain in my teeth. I know I should keep my promises, but what can I possibly do when I'm living day to day as someone who has little to no peace left. Over these last few months I have become more and more aggressive to those around me thanks to the blistering headaches I have been having, and I know that some of you believe I'm just moaning for painkillers, but I have been almost unable to function without feeling like smashing my head into a wall in order to make my head feel pain towards the front rather then in the center where I almost have my eyes fade in and out from the pain. From what I have left you all with, be it my body, my room and items inside of it, my pets... I'm sorry. I just cannot find anything getting better, and these psychiatrist are literally just trying to push me into taking up government disability, and I cannot shame my family in such a way as being a recipient to something admittedly saying that I'm a gigantic retard who's unable to work. I know this isn't the best description to why I have done what I have done, but please understand that the pain hurts so fucking much, and I just don't want to put you all through the trouble of paying thousands of dollars to fix the problems I have created. It's not fair, it's not worth it, and if my problems were getting worse, this was clearly for the best. Just please, don't idolize my death and do not hold onto my ashes. Close the chapter of my life, and please forget me. I love you all, and thank you for trying mom and dad. Thank you for trying, no matter how impossible it was to move me for the better. Jess - Thank you for trying to help me sis. You tried for so long, and tried to push me out of the hole I was in for so many years even though it was clear that I was going nowhere but down. I have failed to take any advice you have given to me, and it's clear that I was far to much of a retard to ever do anything right. As I have said for the rest of the family, I'm sorry for everything I have done Jess. I'm sorry that I'm leaving everyone destroyed inside, including the kids, but I cannot live with myself being tortured in my mind, as well as being tortured physically with the hallucinations and hearing of noises that have been driving me paranoid and aggressive over the last few months. Thank you for being a cool friend and the best sister around Jess! Melissa - Ever since the day we met on GaiaOnline, it's been nothing short of love at first sight really. You have been such a welcoming person to me, even when I have been nothing short of an annoyance for these last few years. Mel, I know I'll never be able to repair the stupidity that I have done in the past, but believe me that I'm sorry, and that I'll always see you as family. You and Jess have stopped me numerous times from hurting myself in the past, but I cannot always burden you with my problems. You have gone so far since those faithful days of when we were just kids those nine years ago... From moving forward after all those bad breakups, to the point of where now you are accomplishing so much, and will most likely do great things when you grow older. I know it's not much, but thank you sis. Hopefully I'll be able to keep true to my promise to help you, and as a ghost be able to act as a guardian angel for all the times you have helped me in the past. Thank you, and I'm sorry for breaking the promise you wanted me to keep. With these last notes, I know I haven't cleared up to much, but I'm sorry for what I've done, and please... Just forget about me. Do not remorse to much for me, as I was never worthy of life and happiness. Move on, and live your lives with new found wealth and less concerns regarding being unable to help the worthless sack of shit that I am. Once again, I'm sorry... Please never forgive me.[/quote]

[QUOTE=SilverBullet;46398191]Story[/QUOTE] That's awesome! It's amazing how a passion can change your entire life. I've been trying to find things that I can be passionate about. I've picked up playing piano, playing the guitar, and skateboarding. Sadly, I'm in that phase where I feel like I'll never be good at anything. I don't play the guitar as much as I'd like to, I don't have my piano with me at college, and skateboarding has been a lot of fun, but I don't feel much satisfaction from it. I've been thinking about picking up some type of MMA and rock climbing, but I don't own a car to drive to gyms, so I'm shit out of luck there for the time being. I've rock climbed before, and it was exhilarating. I enjoyed it so much, and I've been itching to do it again. I also have slight anger issues, so I've wanted to do something physical like MMA. For now, I'm going to try to get into better shape so I won't be a sitting duck if I ever do get the chance to do MMA or rock climbing. Transportation is going to be an issue, though. My parents told me they're going to get me a car soon, but we're fucked financially and I don't know how we're going to pay for the car and pay for my schooling. They tell me to not worry, but it's eating me away every time I think about it. I'm in dire need of a job as well, but it's fucking impossible to find anything. I have applied for a lab assistant job on campus, and hopefully I'll get it. I'm fucking finally determined to get rid of this piece of shit disease that's riddled my life away all these years. I'm ready to be happy for a change. I want to be happy.

Get out of your comfort zone. Be creative about it if you can't think of anything. My story isn't about finding a passion, its about removing that stagnation. Doing something you truly would never do jolts you. It snaps you out of it. It makes you realize there is more to life than you know. Our comfort allows us to feel shitty. Life is beautiful and terrifying, to realize that, we must get outside of ourselves. Boxing might be great and all, but if I make it a routine in a way I get comfortable with it, it'll lose its flavor. Boxing is very scary, but I'm always learning new things and fighting new people. Boxing forces me to constantly change and adapt. To always change it up and try new things, otherwise I will hit plateus physically and mentally.

Been watching this thread for a little bit, didn't want to post for the longest time because of nerves. Sure, I'm depressed and suicidal, but... The main thing I feel these days is hopelessness. I look at my pathetic paycheck, I look at the black hole of a city I live in, I look at the gender dysphoria, I look at my dwindling list of friends... and I just feel hopeless. I just don't see how things could possibly get better anymore. I get told to keep my chin up and always keep hope, but I don't know how strong I can be anymore. I just want to curl up and decay as the world moves on without me.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;46399468]I'm suppose to be having my last diagnosis appointment on Friday... For the moment though I feel like putting this somewhere in case my depression manages to sweep me under.[/QUOTE] I'm sure your family doesn't see you the way you see yourself. It's very evident from what you wrote that they care about you, and you about them. They don't want this for you.

I wish someone'd just fucking end me, they'd be doing the world a favor. My lack of friends is really hitting me down hard today and nothing's fucking gone right and I feel fucking useless and all I've done today is fucking me-related work that in no way balances out how much of a fucking piece of shit drain on society I am. I'm fucking tired of life. I can't even remember the last time I did anything productive. I fucking hate that I follow a religion that puts me in the fucking pits of hell if I commit suicide, guess I'll just fucking bury it and hope nobody notices.

[QUOTE=Yumyumbublegum;46403401]I'm sure your family doesn't see you the way you see yourself. It's very evident from what you wrote that they care about you, and you about them. They don't want this for you.[/QUOTE] I have to agree. Parents are really complicated. You love them, but you hate them. I'm sure they're just trying their hardest to do what they think will make you happy. Sometimes parents won't accept something because they don't want to believe that their child is hurting inside. Especially if they've never felt or can't feel what you're feeling. My parents wouldn't accept that I was suffering from depression. Hell, they still don't accept it. My dad actually physically hit me in the face because we got into an argument about my depression, and I told him that I was having thoughts of suicide. The entire few weeks after I got out of rehabilitation, my dad and I would have constant arguments to the point where we're screaming at each other. As much as it's hard to believe, all they do is because they love you. If they didn't love you, they wouldn't care to listen and would have kicked you out of the house. Parents are fucking weird, though.

Ah fuck I'm back on Facepunch. Quite a few months back I made a dumb thread in GD asking to be banned for a year because I needed "to make real friends". I think I was a bit drunk when I made it but whatever, I've basically achieved everything I wanted from that; a new job, friends, and confidence. Anyway that's not really what I'm here about. I'm here to vent my sadness. I had to put my dog down today, she had bone cancer and was given only 3 months to live, tough fucker live for an extra mouth and a half before she did her back leg as well. Me, my dad, and my brother all went together to put her down. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen, after they put the sedative in her she just laid down and died. It took me a good while to even leave her body. She was only 6 years old. What's bothering me it that I'm kind of having these weird waves of sadness and happiness, sometimes I'll remember I won't see my dog tomorrow and start crying, and then I'll think of all the good times I've had with her and feel happy. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel right now, I'm not sure if I'm being sad enough or overdramatic. I've come back here because for some reason I just feel safer posting on this forum, like everyone is more trustworthy here. I will admit I browsed a bit during the yearly Wurm "invasion" (wouldn't miss one of those for the world) and a bit more recently with the whole gamergate fiasco, bit I've mainly avoided this site. It's a bit strange browsing again. I know I could probably get banned for posting using and alt account but I just needed to vent a bit.

I'm at rock bottom again, I'm tired and I've been sleeping and snapping in and out of reality today. Gets me really nervous, because one of my classmates sat down next to me and said that I was a piece of shit complaining about others when I do exactly the same thing. To top it off, someone took their life on the train tracks, and my mum got really upset and though it might be someone we knew. If it gets out that people sent me to a psychiatrist because they thought I was going to kill myself and that I have severe depression and other problems with my psych it could be really bad. Both my parents always nag me to be perfect. It's bugging me, because I can't shake of that feeling if I ask for help, everyone is going to see me as a psychopath. I'm getting tired of having days that work, and days that just don't work. Someone said one thing to me that made me think about the past and I ended up leaving and having a severe panic attack. I just want a hug god dammit. To feel like someone cares about me, because I don't really care for myself anymore...

Why do I even have to take these stupid fucking pills anyways. I'm obviously supposed to feel this way, and if the universe wants me fucking dead I'm happy to oblige.

[QUOTE=Lolkork;46417674]Im on suicide watch for the night because I tried to od on antidepressants[/QUOTE] I'm so amazingly tempted to drive out somewhere remote and OD on my meds since no one would miss me anyways, and my steps towards improvement haven't been significant enough, they only drain resources that could otherwise be used to help keep me out of poverty instead of giving me a little emotional stability

I'm going to start screwing around in some herbal shit, and try to figure out a blend of herbs/plants that'll ease my mind for a bit. Going to start by using a bit of the krotam I'm purchasing for my parents, and see if it mixes well with a few other things. Before anyone decries me for self-medicating, please note that I'm sick of waiting for roughly four months to simply get a diagnosis for my current problems, and lack of any form of stability at the moment. [editline]5th November 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Levithan;46420517]I'm so amazingly tempted to drive out somewhere remote and OD on my meds since no one would miss me anyways, and my steps towards improvement haven't been significant enough, they only drain resources that could otherwise be used to help keep me out of poverty instead of giving me a little emotional stability[/QUOTE] If you are not finding much effect with your meds, try looking for a social case worker to help you out with your problems, or self medicate with herbal remedies. Try not to get involved with hard shit.

My mom used to be such a happy, inspirational and generally positive person. Now, she's an alcoholic and a drunk and it just fucking tears me apart inside knowing that there's little I can do to help. She says she'll quit drinking, but I've heard that one before, and I feel like she won't be able to break this ugly cycle. I love my mom with all my heart and I know that she loves me, but part of me hopes that maybe she'll just go quietly in her sleep. I feel awful saying that, that's my fucking mother for god's sake, but she's a depressed husk of a person now and she's suffering. Fuck, life hurts sometimes.

I am a fucking loser. I met a girl, we started dating. It's been a week now, and we're going on our first 'official' date tonight. Sounds good, right? I mean, this girl cried tears of joy when I talked to her over the phone two nights ago, said she loved me and that she never wants this to end. But my depression is rearing its ugly head today more than ever. I feel so bad that I might break down and cry, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I guess I just can't stand the idea of something good happening to me for once in my life. I really want this to work, but I'll probably just turn it all to shit. What the fuck am I going to do?

[QUOTE=OficerHonkHonk;46431557]I am a fucking loser. I met a girl, we started dating. It's been a week now, and we're going on our first 'official' date tonight. Sounds good, right? I mean, this girl cried tears of joy when I talked to her over the phone two nights ago, said she loved me and that she never wants this to end. But my depression is rearing its ugly head today more than ever. I feel so bad that I might break down and cry, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I guess I just can't stand the idea of something good happening to me for once in my life. I really want this to work, but I'll probably just turn it all to shit. What the fuck am I going to do?[/QUOTE] when you expect something to go to shit before it happens, the chances of it going to shit are going to be higher. it sounds like stuff is going okay between you and her, so I wouldn't accept defeat before you know the conclusion. if you ask yourself "why isn't it going to work out?", do you have a rational answer for yourself? when I've asked myself the same, I've never had a good answer for myself other than silly reasons. makes it sort of easier to achieve when you know your reasons are dumb, bluntly put. try not to worry about stuff before it happens, it really helps. easier said than done of course, but it makes such a big difference. now that I've sort of integrated myself socially again, I haven't thought or been worried about anything I've been up to before it has happened, and it has worked out fine! usually there's nothing to worry about anyway good luck to you!

Hey, thanks predgd, but it all fucked up anyway. I appreciate your words though.

Things were going well for me and a close female friend of mine. We were like, on the verge of dating, or at least I believe we were. Then out of nowhere one of my good friends starts flirting with her, and now she's starting to reciprocate. I know them both well enough to know they would [I]not[/I] make a good couple (pretty much all of our friends agree on this), but I can't handle what's been going on. He's at her house right now, and I'm finding myself googling how long I'd be in the hospital if I ate peanuts, which I'm allergic to. It's a really dumb idea, but I'm just so lost now that I can't think of anything but to try to get attention and sympathy by hurting myself. It won't solve anything and all I'll do is get myself stuck in a hospital for a week while they keep doing their thing. It'll only get worse for me if I dwell on it and I need to acknowledge that and move on.

I feel like I should like stop using facepunch so often. Like I use facepunch to vent but I think I should stop using it because it really gets me nowhere. Idk I feel like if I'm 18 I should stop using internet forms mainly about gaming to vent.

[QUOTE=OficerHonkHonk;46435043]Hey, thanks predgd, but it all fucked up anyway. I appreciate your words though.[/QUOTE] What happened?

I'm starting to think that homosexuality might be a mental disorder or part of a mental order. I'm actually homosexual myself so please don't accuse me of homophobia. Idk it's just that my sister is a lesbian trans (ftm) and I'm homosexual and we're both very fucked up people. Not sure if it's genetics or bad parenting but whatever. Plus I never really talked to a homosexual who didn't have some sort of major mental issue/problem. [editline]8th November 2014[/editline] Idk it's probably bad genes because A) baulding at age 18 B) mother was probably exposed to weed in her childhood

[QUOTE=OficerHonkHonk;46431557]I am a fucking loser. I met a girl, we started dating. It's been a week now, and we're going on our first 'official' date tonight. Sounds good, right? I mean, this girl cried tears of joy when I talked to her over the phone two nights ago, said she loved me and that she never wants this to end. But my depression is rearing its ugly head today more than ever. I feel so bad that I might break down and cry, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I guess I just can't stand the idea of something good happening to me for once in my life. I really want this to work, but I'll probably just turn it all to shit. What the fuck am I going to do?[/QUOTE] Think in present. And treat her like a friend. Lots of patience. Keep your cool. Don't relate your sob story to her, nothing negative at all. That will be a major let down for her on first date. Let the things spiral out gradually. Guess it's too late... [editline]8th November 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;46436491]I feel like I should like stop using facepunch so often. Like I use facepunch to vent but I think I should stop using it because it really gets me nowhere. Idk I feel like if I'm 18 I should stop using internet forms mainly about gaming to vent.[/QUOTE] Try to channelize your thoughts towards the positives in your life. Don't keep hanging on to the negatives. Let those be a reminder that you still have something to improve upon. Take it as a challenge. A life without challenge gets boring.

Guys I need help. I've developed an anxiety to locking the door home. It sounds stupid, but I know I locked the doors, turned on the alarm and turned off all the lights. Still, something inside me gives me the feeling I didn't or didn't check. It's driving me crazy because I'm always thinking about and stuff. I try not to think, but it always lurks back into my thoughts. I need help to stop this, because it's literally driving me crazy and people wonder why I'm on a voyage home that takes me around 2 hours each way. I even broke down crying and I don't really know why, but I believe it was because of the thoughts of getting the finger pointed at me by my parent for not caring.

I slept for almost 18 hours, I woke up 10 hours in but downed a whole bunch of these melatonin sleep remedies so I could just sleep more. I honestly didn't think I could feel any worse, I try not to post here often but hell, I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I feel crushed, I've been playing some games to get my mind a different track. I've been putting on a happy face for the past two months, I want to cry but I can't. I'm not finding enjoyment in anything anymore, I don't feel like I'm worth anything. I wrote a suicide note but crushed it up and threw it away. I have had thoughts of wanting to walk into the cold nighttime forest so I can "slip out of here". I posted on reddits suicide watch a while back when I was just about to go and end it, a nice fellow on there sent me a couple PMs that stalled me just by a few days, long enough for my ex girlfriend to find out something was up, she came over and talked me down. I don't know why I'm still here, I just want to go back to sleep and continue dreaming.

I don't know what to do anymore. No one here likes me. The same people keep giving me a hard time and I just don't know what to do.

[wiped my stupid whining[ I should really stop whining and just shut up

Man reading this thread makes me kinda sad sometimes, so many people in here that I really wish I could just take away all the pain It probably sounds trite from some random dude online but honestly I hope all of you feel better soon, non of you deserve the pain you're going through and I really wish I could give out some big warm hugs to you all Stay strong you guys, people love you and you all deserve a good life. Even if your brain convinces you that you're utter garbage, know that you mean a lot and that the world is honestly better with you in it. It really is.