Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Today I pretty much realized I can't continue living like this without getting help, I think I'm gonna talk to my parents tomorrow about seeing a doctor. I just have no clue like what to ask for, like I don't know if I need a therapist or psychiatrist and I don't know what I should be looking for. I guess I can I ask to make an appointment with my pediatrician hoping they can lead me in the right direction accept I'm 19 and I don't know if they'd be able to see me.

I'm really scared of what's gonna happen next. Had argument number infinity with my mom tonight, and it ended with telling me to find a new mom.

Went out to a new shop center in town with some family friends visiting town to celebrate one of their Birthdays today. Out of a crowd of hundreds upon hundreds of people, I just HAD to run into someone I'd rather forget. He abused me, made me feel like shit, and did some absolutely shitty things to me that I had absolutely no way to get out of. And I just -had- to see him. Out of -everyone- that was there. We made short eye contact and I had to make another excuse to get out of there quick to avoid any possible further contact with him. I've been having severe panic attacks since then and my mind is racing. I'm absolutely terrified. Now I'm laying here in bed early, my eyes are stinging to no end, I'm tired. But I can't sleep. I've been having bad flashbacks one after another and I'm trying so hard not to have another complete and total meltdown. Then my phone chimes in a notification. I received an e-mail from my dad who I'm pretty distant from and for good reasons. He said he was beaten on the way home and the guy who beat him threatened to kill him if he were to call the police and I'm so fucking torn. He's had a bad and long history of making lies and fake threats to try and get me to talk to him again and I just don't know what to do anymore. Life is fucking scary and I feel completely cornered. I feel like I don't have control over my life anymore and I have absolutely -no one- to talk to because I'm bad at maintaining friendships because of severe anxiety issues. I'm scared and I just want this nightmare to end. I just want everything to be better. I want everything to be normal. All of these scary things are happening and I have absolutely no idea what to do anymore. I'm terrified of the world around me. I just want peace. I want all these bad things to go away. I'm so scared.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Like right now I feel like ending my life but at the same time I just really don't. When I think of ending my life I instantly feel like it's a terrible idea. Whenever I feel like something is a bad idea, there's actual reasoning on why I think it's a bad idea, in this case there's no reasoning that I could think of other than "it's bad because it's bad". I think I'm just scare of what will happen. What if there's a hell? What if I live and suffer permanent brain damage and be in my own hell? If there's a heaven I'm surely not going to it.

I was feeling under the weather today and I'm really tired, not feeling to good. I had to tell my mom that my tuxedo was a little small, but I would fix it to the occasion coming up. Because I wanted to go to bed early, my mom made a deal out of my "starving myself to fit it" because I didn't feel like dinner. And then then my brother and father joined the verbal beating, further pushing me down the drain. "I'm worthless, never eat properly, stress is making you do stupid shit, junk food make you fat" and etc. Pretty much all they said for like half hour, trying to get some "sense" in me. And then they say I ruined the whole evening with my mood. I DIDN'T want dinner, I wanted to go to bed because I was feeling mentally unstable, and the only thing they could so is to throw me further down the hole. And now my mom came in and had a talk about she is scared for me. Told me that I need some spare time to enjoy myself. I enjoy myself different then the rest of the family. I like to work, be with friends and so on. Laying around makes me feel worthless, it's not my style. She also told me to stop having the world at my shoulders, think about yourself. Wish I could, but I can't say I was this close killing myself. I'm alive for their sake, if it was only me I would probably be in a coffin by now...

So I just got back from a week-long stay and the psych ward at a nearby hospital. Feeling a lot better so I'm hopefully not gonna be posting in here much anymore.

Feeling probably the worst I ever have in my life, seems to be getting worse every day. I just don't know how to turn the way I feel around, it seems like anybody I could talk to doesn't give a shit, and nobody wants to be bothered by me.

It's my first day back at work tomorrow after being away for the weekend meeting up with tons of online friends on the other end of the country. We had an absolute blast, literally the time of my life, but it was all over so quickly. I've had these awful post meetup blues consisting of emptiness and anxiety eating away at me since I got back which was to be expected but its worse than ever tonight. I know I'll see them again but I just can't shake it. I hate it so much, I want to go back and savour the moments just a little bit more. I miss them.

[QUOTE=orcywoo6;46476921]It's my first day back at work tomorrow after being away for the weekend meeting up with tons of online friends on the other end of the country. We had an absolute blast, literally the time of my life, but it was all over so quickly. I've had these awful post meetup blues consisting of emptiness and anxiety eating away at me since I got back which was to be expected but its worse than ever tonight. I know I'll see them again but I just can't shake it. I hate it so much, I want to go back and savour the moments just a little bit more. I miss them.[/QUOTE] This sounds like during the holidays last year up to today; that was my first time being able to sit down a friend and talk about what's the matter since I graduated and move away about a year and a half before. It was the fastest 3 hours and I wish I could experience it again at a later time, it was nice to see a familiar face.

Back from the docs for my final evaluation, and its confirmed that I have asperger syndrome and most likely have schizophrenia. Yayyyyyyyy

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;46481337]Back from the docs for my final evaluation, and its confirmed that I have asperger syndrome and most likely have schizophrenia. Yayyyyyyyy[/QUOTE] I still need to go in and get myself evaluated too. :tinfoil:

This has probably been asked a lot but what do you think is the best way to explain depression to someone who doesn't understand it?

I feel so empty inside right now

[QUOTE=Entraik;46482693]This has probably been asked a lot but what do you think is the best way to explain depression to someone who doesn't understand it?[/QUOTE] Wake up, feel great and take some time to enjoy your life, and then in a moments notice you collapse and fall and want to commit to self-harm for the most simplistic reasons. That or you don't know what to do with yourself because you are stuck in a moment of procrastination which sucks all emotion and pride from your soul.

I barely ate this week and I'm not sure why. I've been hungry, but been unable to get the food down. I just chew and chew until I nearly throw up. not sure if it's physical or mentally. also feel this ball in my chest as if I'm really stressed and tense. not sure what I might be worried about, but I feel very stressed out and uncomfortable. [editline]14th November 2014[/editline] maybe this ball is just hunger? what I've eaten is most likely on the level of what a person with anorexic disorder would eat, maybe I'll feel better once I got some food in my system. [editline]14th November 2014[/editline] if only it was that easy to eat though [editline]14th November 2014[/editline] I feel like I'm trying to conceal something I'm worried about. something I'm doing that I know isn't a good idea at all to continue doing. I have a few suspicions of what it could be, but I'm not sure.

don't think I'll gain much by dwelling on this, but I think this ball comes from the stress from the girl I posted about once here. we had sex and I got emotionally broken, distanced myself and did other things to keep me occupied. I haven't been very good at keeping that distance and now we've gotten much closer. we're still just friends and I'm fairly sure she wants to keep that up, as do I, but I don't feel that my feelings think we should stop there. we're cuddling, having sex, etc. not only that, but it's not allowed to do as we do at the ward either so it gets very frustrating and damages my relations to the staff there. they get frustrated, I get frustrated, she gets frustrated, etc. you kinda end up in this vicious cycle where you [I]have[/I] to have sex and you're not given any time to do it. I don't want to enter a relationship, not with her. I know that her kind of personality will absolutely destroy me emotionally and mentally, I don't find her easy enough to read and it's hard to know where I have her. I spoke with her old "fuck buddy" and he told me the same, she's hard to read and very unreliable. my thoughts and feelings are not in agreement when it comes to this. it's an incredibly difficult situation to find any conclusion for. on one hand, I have a strong feeling that this bond between us will only further break me down, but on the other, I don't want to cut ties with her or distance myself. I don't feel like I can talk about this with the staff either, since they'll definitely split us up if I at the slightest hint at feeling unwell because of our situation. I feel like I know what the best solution to this is, and that is to cut ties with her. easier said than done, too many "if's". what if I'm just misinterpreting the situation completely, what if my paranoia is over the top, what if she likes me more than I originally thought? not only that, but how do you distance yourself to someone forcefully while still sharing the same house 5 days a week? where we have to eat together and have to participate in mandatory activities together? it'll only cause awkwardness or tension between us, which I don't want either.

My doctor took me off Abilify and I started seeing people that weren't there so he put me back on it That was scary as shit

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;46496116]My doctor took me off Abilify and I started seeing people that weren't there so he put me back on it That was scary as shit[/QUOTE] Doy you know their names ?

[QUOTE=fritzel;46496210]Doy you know their names ?[/QUOTE] Nope, but one of them said they were best friends with someone I know but they disappeared a second after I looked away.

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;46496711]Nope, but one of them said they were best friends with someone I know but they disappeared a second after I looked away.[/QUOTE] That looks interesting even though bit scary.

Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask. What's the difference between depression and apathy?

[QUOTE=polarbear.;46497920]Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask. What's the difference between depression and apathy?[/QUOTE] I have no reason to enjoy answering that and I don't care.

[QUOTE=fritzel;46498020]I have no reason to enjoy answering that and I don't care.[/QUOTE] i'm sure there's a difference between being apathetic and being an asshole

Being apathetic means that you are most likely someone who tends to stick to the middle for sanity sake, and tries to not devolve into ridiculous opinions over fruitless endeavors. It's a moral choice that you make on your own... [I]Usually.[/I] For example, I could tell someone I'm an apathetic agnostic, and people will spurge saying that I cannot do that, but in reality I just don't give a damn. Depression is something which is a mental and physical alignment which damages you do to either traumatic damage, undiagnosed imbalances in your head/body, and sometimes being locked in a quagmire of moral thought. Depression can make you appear apathetic, as sometimes it leads to symptoms of aggression, nihilism, and moral indifference to subjects which could be pretty damning, but for you as the bystander, you cannot be fucked with entering the argument for the sake of keeping your sanity. In otherwords, one is a choice of morals and ideals, the other is a series of mental alignments which can cause apathy as a symptom.

[QUOTE=polarbear.;46498194]i'm sure there's a difference between being apathetic and being an asshole[/QUOTE] I have [B]no reason to enjoy answering[/B] It's precisely how depression feels like. There is no enjoyment in life doing any activity. Might as well not wake up from bed too. that and [B]I don't care[/B]. I will still wake up from bed but won't care about the things happening around. Apathy.

ugh why I do I get so stressed and agitated by the most trivial and routine things? stressed to the point where I give up on doing anything and instead just mope about on the verge of crying

life feels so boring and repetitive. whenever I voice my concern over something not being the way I'd prefer, I often get a "that's life" thrown in my face. I can't remember any examples at the top of my head, but I'm not talking of small things like being too lazy to do something in the moment, but rather things which must be repeated and completed through out life, the way some things just are. I feel that no matter what I end up doing with my life, there are going to be so many things I'll dislike with it as well. I've always held very high standards, so I suppose what I consider "getting better" is a life without flaws or pain. of course that's near impossible and I don't think anyone lives life like that, but it still raises a few questions regarding what I want with my own life. I'm not sure if I'll be happy even if I were to live a normal life without all the depression surrounding it. I see myself as an extrovert which makes matters worse to be honest. I get sluggish, bored and restless if I'm alone. I don't have the energy to do anything and can't be bothered to do a lot of stuff unless it's with others. I've always prioritized social contact above everything else, and if someone is vacant and has the time to be social, I'll throw everything aside to make sure it happens. I'd even go as far as saying it's unbearable to be alone which I often am during the weekends. I have no energy and feel as if I'm back at square zero every weekend when I'm not at the ward. when I get back, I socialize at every opportunity I get and I feel so much better. with all this in mind, I feel terrible as I don't have enough people around me to keep myself socially occupied 24/7. it really is unbearable to be alone, even if the day was eventful. I could be with friends for 6-7 hours, and still be unsatisfied the last couple of hours before going to bed. all this fuels my huge concern for being too clingy and not giving people enough space. I've mentioned what I wrote in the paragraph above to my shrink and my contacts at the ward, and I'm told that that's life. that people don't have that much time to be social, that it's not normal to be as socially seeking as I, etc. if that's life, I'm not sure if I can be content with it. the social aspect is so important to me and I don't think I'm capable of being happy when I'm alone. I physically feel sick the second I know I'm going to be by myself for a while. I think that's why I'm constantly restless, constantly stressed and constantly worried. I'm not able to relax since I'm alone. [editline]don't think this'll automerge[/editline] suicide is a touchy topic which I don't like to bring up, but it's something I need some input on, this post. I've had these thoughts for a few weeks ever since I got more socially integrated and started improving. it brings up a few worries about my future and life in general which makes me think more of suicide as an option to all this. usually I feel suicide is brought up more by impulses, not necessarily something that will actually happen, but in this case it feels so much more different which worries me? I honestly don't know how to word this properly since suicide feels wrong, like it isn't the answer, which it really isn't, but at the same time it feels like a legitimate option. I'm afraid I'll never be happy with what life at the core really is, so it feels right to "opt-out" instead of participating in something I don't want. this is really awkward, my thoughts and feelings regarding this are so conflicting I'm not even sure what I'm trying to get through anymore

Never thought I'd be posting in this thread again. Oh who am I kidding, of course I did. I had a severe episode of depression in the winter of 2012, from early October to mid-March 2013. Dropped most of my classes, failed others, thought of suicide all the time, lost interest in literally everything fun, the whole deal. I've been pretty well since then, but I can already feel like I'm getting sick again. I am incredibly lonely and recently tried changing that but it didn't work. I go to a college with virtually no gay scene (most of the gays go to larger colleges) and I don't know anyone who's gay so dating for me is nearly impossible. I tried creating an OKCupid account recently but that isn't getting me anywhere either. Messaged all 7 guys nearby (including 3 who go to the same college) and none of them responded. There are plenty of guys when I expand to 50+ miles away but I worry that they will think I'm too far away since they're all in the city (having no luck so far). Meanwhile I'm watching all my friends enter relationships and I'm still alone in my fifth year of college. A few weeks ago I was eating lunch with some of my friends and they were having girl trouble. They asked "hey, you're in your fifth year, give us some advice on getting girls!" and I just stared awkwardly at them until the conversation changed. Recently a close friend got mad at me because he could tell I'm having a bad week but I refused to talk about it. It's what made me realize no one really knows anything about me and I haven't opened up to anyone in over 8 years. No one knows about my life, my dreams, my sexuality, my struggles with this fucking illness, etc etc. And quite frankly I wonder if I WANT them to know. I miss going on adventures. Posts on Facepunch made me interested in urban exploration circa 2009, and went on some pretty amazing adventures in 2010 and 2011, but I lost contact with the guys I used to explore with, none of them do it anymore and the scene around here is pretty dead because all the cool locations got demolished. I am eligible to graduate in December but I (stupidly) decided to stay an extra semester to get a minor. I only needed 3 classes but due to mistakes I made this semester I might end up taking a full load of classes. I'm really considering asking my adviser if I can file graduation paperwork now and GTFO.

Is it healthy if the thought or sight of other human beings fills me with a horrible rage from the pit of my stomach?

[QUOTE=Vehk;46506240]Is it healthy if the thought or sight of other human beings fills me with a horrible rage from the pit of my stomach?[/QUOTE] Probably not but it depends on what kind of people illicit this. If they are people you find morally reprehensible or something, it's a little more okay to feel that way. If it's just any random person though that's not very healthy