Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I wonder, what is the actual meaning of life? I just feel so useless, such a burden to everyone i know. Hell, i feel like i choose the wrong profession to learn. I feel like i dont know where i belong. I just feel like i should just get a full-stop to myself and re-address everything. And i think that i am such a burden for my folks that im not even sure if i am worthy of their time. I just feel like ending this. There is no bonus for keeping me alive. But then i think about all of those people who might get really hurt by my death which puts me off doing it for a while. I´m like a giant mess of paper with missing the shredder every it comes close to me.

[QUOTE={TFS} Rock Su;46728418]I wonder, what is the actual meaning of life?[/QUOTE] I honestly think there isn't a meaning to life. I think we make our own. [QUOTE={TFS} Rock Su;46728418]I just feel like ending this. There is no bonus for keeping me alive. But then i think about all of those people who might get really hurt by my death which puts me off doing it for a while. I´m like a giant mess of paper with missing the shredder every it comes close to me.[/QUOTE] There is a bonus. To watch you one day come back from the place you are now in a much better shape. People say things will get better, but I don't want to say it. Because in this position nobody ever believes it, no matter how true it is, and because it simply doesn't help you improve much. I find it encourages people not to make the changes they need to make, because they continue with what they do and feel like this "someday" will never come, because they expect it just to come with time. Fixing how you feel can be helped with company you might have, online or offline. But you need to work with yourself to make yourself feel better. Having someone, a friend, push you into doing things that will help you feel good might help. Start going to the gym with a friend or something if you have the time and money, you'll start to feel good about yourself and it'll help take your mind off things, and having your friend with you helps keep you going and will push you to keep going in the future. Sometimes, it's the small changes that make the big difference. For me, I changed a lot when I just asked for a girls number. That's it. Something so nerve wracking but I did it and in a week I was feeling on top of the world, and hell, after about two weeks of feeling down when she rejected me, I came back up stronger than ever. Let that be you. Come back from where you are now, rise up and start building. You might feel confused now about what to do or how to do it, but my goal isn't to tell you what to do. I'm hoping this will give you the motivation you need to go and do something. Not for me, not for your friends, not for your folks, but for you. You need to come first in all this. Right now, put yourself first. You matter most right now, as hard as that may be for you to believe. We all have faith in you. Hell, I'd notice if you left the forum. I've seen you around and you're a good poster, I enjoy having you around.

Hey uh, sorry but just gonna emotion dump at the moment hope thats okay Been struggling with really turbulent emotions lately and even been giving brief though to what if situations with suicide; yesterday my uncle died just out of the blue and the past couple of days have been a bit difficult for the whole family. He and his whole family were just a huge part of my early life so just it's really heartbreaking.

Recent convo snippets: 5 days ago: "I love you" "I love you too <3" 2 days ago: "gosh i love you" "i love you tooooooo" Yesterday: "i love you so much" [no reply] Today: "Hello?" [no reply] I hate it when people just stop replying to me randomly and I'm not sure what it was I did or if they're ignoring me or forgot if or if they just don't really care about me anymore

Hey guys. So i decided to join into this, i'm not sure its the right place but i do have some related issues and maybe you can help me. 2 issues here really but they can both be joined together. So my boyfriend has just started some light anti-depressants, personally, i found it a little insulting when he told me he was taking them because i feel like i failed as a partner to keep him happy. But he reasures me that it is all to do with stress from work and its mainly just a calm down thing. He does have a stressful job, an office of 6 people doing about 12 peoples worth of work in a Architecture firm so you can see why hes stressed. I just want to know is there anything i can do to help him out? Any tips or advice? Also, slightly related i think, but we've been together for a good year now and i've normally been the "bottom" in the relationship (I think i forgot to mention we're a gay couple) and it was ok becasue i'm really easy going and satisfied with either. But he really wants to bottom more often now and for some reason, i'm not sure if its anxiety or what but i was OK to begin with, but then one time i flopped mid-way through and we just immediately stopped the sex because he thought i wasnt attracted to him, i reasurred him it wasn't that at all. Now i fear that every time i top, i will go floppy and i say about 90% of the time, i do. Its horrible and i thought it was because of that one time, my anxiety just kicks in and im praying that it doesn't go down which obviously makes it go down. I have been doing months worth of research on this and apparently its possible that its down to excessive porn watching. Which kind of makes sense. Basically when i was "closeted" i used to watch porn a lot as it was me being able to actually be myself and not hide. This was like 2-3 times a day depending on whether or not i had work that day. So i've been trying to stop watching porn, i didn't go cold turkey but i did it like 2 times a week instead but still masturbated nearly daily. Nothing really changed, i still couldn't top properly. So now here my other main question is.... I'm trying to QUIT masturbation as i'm trying to gain my sensitivity back, but i'm finding it really hard to quit, especially in the morning as i used it to "wake myself up" as such and get out of bed. Anybody got any tips on self control? Because i keep doing it in the morning and feel bad about it afterwards. But i convince myself just before that "Don't worry, once wont hurt" and its the same thing every morning. yeah so... Tl;DR version: Boyfriend has anti-depressants, any tips with helping him through it because of his stress? also Tips on self control not to masturbate in the morning?

Hey guys, Looking for advice/perspective. I've been taking Citalopram, 20mg dose daily for 2 and a half years. Over time I've started realizing that while I've been feeling better in terms of depression, my anxiety seems to be getting worse. Lately I feel like my mind is racing with ideas, but putting them to practice is such a daunting task in my head that I get so freaked out that I give up before I even start. Even for basic tasks that would take 20 minutes like doing the dishes, I spend sometimes multiple hours on them because I keep walking away or starting work on something else instead of finishing what I'm currently working on. It gets to a point where I look at something that needs done or could be done and I get it in my head that I'll do it, do it maybe 1% and get so overwhelmed that I can't think straight and I just lay down until I can chill. It's affecting my work performance, I have tasks that take me multiple days due to the amount of hours I work, but coming back to them and seeing them unfinished every day makes me so panicked that I avoid even thinking of them until I'm multiple weeks late getting them finished, and then the thought that I'm behind on work when I'm at home keeps me up at night or keeps me from being able to relax. To try and make myself feel better I'll try to do work around the house or force myself to sit down for independent learning (I'm starting school in Spring for software development and digital art) and when I can't focus on the material available I begin second-guessing whether or not I can do the things I have passions for, but whenever I'm not doing something beneficial towards my career path or the benefit of my family I feel immense guilt and shame. Before I started taking my medication I was extremely irritable, morose, and full of needless guilt, constantly, to the point where I would be up into the small hours of the night bawling for now reason, or any time anyone asked me what was wrong I got angry with them and it began affecting my relationships with friends and family. I don't want to go back to how I was before the medication, because for a while things were better, but lately I feel so cripplingly anxious that I can't function outside of laying down or sleeping. Has anyone else experienced this after starting anti-depressants? What should I do?

[QUOTE=greeley;46735070][/QUOTE] I can speak for one part. I find that doing even just little things like his favorite drink ready for when he's home is a nice little gesture that might help him unwind a little. He likes coffee? Learn how he likes it and get super good at it. Even just little things like that are nice. Also, I'd suggest putting this in the Sex and Girlfriends thread too, since this also has some issues they'd give advice on pretty well.

Does anyone follow up and post here when they're doing good? I'm doing good enough to say that I used to be depressed, and I'm very fortunate to have the resources to get myself help. There's a lot of low cost services out there that can help you with psychological help, counseling, and instruction. My depression was from a lack of progression in my life, but now I'm getting ready for college and getting my driver's license too! I've had a very productive and eventful week so far and I wish the same for anyone else who is going through depression. Just take that first step, if you can.

[QUOTE=elevate;46736665]Does anyone follow up and post here when they're doing good? I'm doing good enough to say that I used to be depressed, and I'm very fortunate to have the resources to get myself help. There's a lot of low cost services out there that can help you with psychological help, counseling, and instruction. My depression was from a lack of progression in my life, but now I'm getting ready for college and getting my driver's license too! I've had a very productive and eventful week so far and I wish the same for anyone else who is going through depression. Just take that first step, if you can.[/QUOTE] I'm hoping that I'll be on this track by next year. Gonna start perusing my GED, my license, and a job of course, as well as trying to meet more people out here, despite the general consensus. I'm glad you're doing alright now, though. I wish more people who beat depression were like you and not unsupportive dickheads about it.

[QUOTE=elevate;46736665]Does anyone follow up and post here when they're doing good? I'm doing good enough to say that I used to be depressed, and I'm very fortunate to have the resources to get myself help. There's a lot of low cost services out there that can help you with psychological help, counseling, and instruction. My depression was from a lack of progression in my life, but now I'm getting ready for college and getting my driver's license too! I've had a very productive and eventful week so far and I wish the same for anyone else who is going through depression. Just take that first step, if you can.[/QUOTE] I would if things got better. I have nothing and nobody in life, wheeee

[QUOTE=elevate;46736665]Does anyone follow up and post here when they're doing good? I'm doing good enough to say that I used to be depressed, and I'm very fortunate to have the resources to get myself help. There's a lot of low cost services out there that can help you with psychological help, counseling, and instruction. My depression was from a lack of progression in my life, but now I'm getting ready for college and getting my driver's license too! I've had a very productive and eventful week so far and I wish the same for anyone else who is going through depression. Just take that first step, if you can.[/QUOTE] I slowed my posting here after my health and mental state improved a fair bit. I didn't want to start posting every day about "how great my life has gotten". I dunno. I don't want people who are still feeling like shit to see me not feeling like as much and in turn make them feel even more like shit. If that makes sense. But it's kinda moot at the moment anyway because since coming back from that festival I've regressed a bit, after being without my colitis medication for 7 days straight. My depression isn't mainly from lack of progress, social issues, financial troubles or anything else really. It's purely chronic inflammation in my head, triggered by my colitis flaring. The problem is when my inflammation does flare up, all the things that I listed that didn't make me depressed suddenly hit me like a brick, and I can't even try to function normally. Things that were so easy and enjoyable just become tiring and frustrating. And we're talking things I really, truly want to do. I don't even look forward to sleeping during those times, because I just stare blankly at the ceiling. I can't stop the inflammation entirely without shutting off my immune system. I can't do that because of toxoplasmosis. Only thing I can do is reduce it as much as I can with supplements and healthy eating till my colitis stops flaring, then keep up with maintenance stacks and avoid anything that could flare it up again. It takes months, but if I stay the course I can be depression-free until it flares up again, and I can actually function and enjoy my hobbies and life. But I'll be another month off till I hit that point again. Still beats the first 7-8 months of this year wasted not knowing it was all inflammation causing me to want to die. It helps knowing the cause, because at least you know how to treat it, that there's a plateau of feeling good over the hill if you keep moving forward. Doesn't make the climb any less shit though. [editline]19th December 2014[/editline] Honestly though, I'm glad you've found yourself in a good place now. It shows that there's hope for all of us if we make the effort. Hope it keeps up.

Lately I've been getting this feeling where I get so depressed it hurts to even move. It usually lasts a couple of hours too and I've been getting it everyday. It's a really shitty feeling..

That's the third time I've just burst into tears in the past two weeks. Don't even know why it happens any more. Just does. Why the fuck can't I just get out of this hell? No wonder I'm fucking alone. Who the hell in their right mind would want to deal with someone as fickle as I am? I'm not worth a fucking thought.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;46748483]That's the third time I've just burst into tears in the past two weeks. Don't even know why it happens any more. Just does. Why the fuck can't I just get out of this hell? No wonder I'm fucking alone. Who the hell in their right mind would want to deal with someone as fickle as I am? I'm not worth a fucking thought.[/QUOTE] Oi, stop that. Nobody likes a pity party. Only you can change yourself and your attitude. Fuck everything, be happy for YOURSELF not for anybody else. Force yourself to be happy. If you don't like whats currently happening in your life then just change it. Refuse to be sad, refuse to be that person. The phrase "fake it until you make it" is a perfect example. I was like you, i kept thinking "why the fuck do i exist? what is the point in my life? i have no use in this world apart from being shit." but one day i literally just said "fuck it" and decided that i'm not going to be sad anymore, i'm not going to be that one person that everybody thinks "eugh, great, greeley is here, hes so depressing to be around". It took a while, but i managed to do it. I forced happiness on myself to "overwrite" the sadness as such. Became a positive person, the optimistic. I did a double take on stuff that would normally get me sad and think about the positive outcomes of it. I am a MUCH better person now, people enjoy my company, people think that im an incredbily fun and nice person now and like being around me. I've become A LOT more sociable, a lot funnier and most importantly A HELL OF A LOT more confident. Only you can change yourself mate. So change.

I feel so insanely lonely. I often feel lonely, but right now I feel like I will always be lonely, a very overwhelming feeling of it. meeting people and being social feels like a big chore, but if I don't, I get so depressed. literally no one takes the initiative to meet me so it gets tiring to constantly be the one taking the initiative.

I've felt incredibly depressed and sad today. whenever I feel depressed, it feels bad, but this feels incredibly bad. everything feels so hopeless and impossible, that nothing will go my way. I don't understand why I feel so incredibly down now. I can't remember last time I felt such a huge dread of hopelessness. been trying to occupy myself, but nothing of what I usually do works. I tried playing some guitar, but I just give up. I can't get myself to play any games. I don't feel like talking with someone either. right now I can't see myself having a good life, I can't see myself being somewhere in a month, a year or years. I feel like I've been doing a good job of trying to find solutions for myself when I've been depressed, trying to reason with myself etc, but right now I just feel hopelessness. would be great to have a shoulder to cry on right now

[QUOTE=greeley;46748666]Oi, stop that. Nobody likes a pity party. Only you can change yourself and your attitude. Fuck everything, be happy for YOURSELF not for anybody else. Force yourself to be happy. If you don't like whats currently happening in your life then just change it. Refuse to be sad, refuse to be that person. The phrase "fake it until you make it" is a perfect example. I was like you, i kept thinking "why the fuck do i exist? what is the point in my life? i have no use in this world apart from being shit." but one day i literally just said "fuck it" and decided that i'm not going to be sad anymore, i'm not going to be that one person that everybody thinks "eugh, great, greeley is here, hes so depressing to be around". It took a while, but i managed to do it. I forced happiness on myself to "overwrite" the sadness as such. Became a positive person, the optimistic. I did a double take on stuff that would normally get me sad and think about the positive outcomes of it. I am a MUCH better person now, people enjoy my company, people think that im an incredbily fun and nice person now and like being around me. I've become A LOT more sociable, a lot funnier and most importantly A HELL OF A LOT more confident. Only you can change yourself mate. So change.[/QUOTE] You're right. Really, the only person I can rely on is myself. I just wish my anxiety didn't constantly get in the way and make my brain think all of this stupid shit. I've got to really try and make something for myself, and I know that, it's just hard to hear when you have nothing to begin with.

I just had two officers tell me my dad died in a fatal car crash on his way home tonight. Great way to start my Christmas break, huh?

[QUOTE=gk99;46753790]I just had two officers tell me my dad died in a fatal car crash on his way home tonight. Great way to start my Christmas break, huh?[/QUOTE] Oh my god I'm so sorry to hear that I dunno what to really say that's of any value but my heart is going out to you at it's fullest capacity

There's no "he might pull through" or "he could survive," he's just gone. Literally 0 fucking hope. It was just a normal night, did pretty well on my finals, was looking forward to telling him I aced my Algebra 2 final, was playing Skyrim to pass the time, and this shit happens They wont even let us see the body and wont give us any personal effects or anything [Editline]a[/editline] Okay, they gave us his things that weren't on-person, so I guess it's not the absolute rock.bottom

To the poster above, I'm really sorry to hear that man, my dad passed when I was 16 and I can tell you it's not something you ever get over, but you will learn to live with it and become a stronger person. Just told my really good friend that I love her, she hasn't responded, probably never will. I made the mistake of not only giving my heart to this girl, but also apologizing for doing so. At this point even though she's a good friend I really have an immense amount of hate for her and probably will never talk to her again. This is the second time I've expressed how I feel, I don't bother with asking her out since she already rejected me the first time, but the fact that she can't even be a fucking friend anymore really has me pissed off. I'm so sad and angry at the same time. I know that if she doesn't feel like talking with me about it she has every right not to, but I really expected her to just be a friend and at least comfort me through this. I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one that can relate and nobody really cares or likes me so I feel really hopeless. I'm almost 25 years old and have only dated one girl for a few weeks, it was horrible. I feel like I'll live alone, die alone, when my mom dies, I'll have nothing left. I have no ambition to do anything or meet new people because I'm constantly rejected or told I'm not good enough. I try so hard to believe in myself and to look at the bright side of things but it never really seems to get me anywhere. Sorry for the long post, it's been a rough night. [editline]20th December 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Catscratch;46737349]I would if things got better. I have nothing and nobody in life, wheeee[/QUOTE] I'm here for you, if you ever need to talk. [editline]20th December 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;46751219]I've felt incredibly depressed and sad today. whenever I feel depressed, it feels bad, but this feels incredibly bad. everything feels so hopeless and impossible, that nothing will go my way. I don't understand why I feel so incredibly down now. I can't remember last time I felt such a huge dread of hopelessness. been trying to occupy myself, but nothing of what I usually do works. I tried playing some guitar, but I just give up. I can't get myself to play any games. I don't feel like talking with someone either. right now I can't see myself having a good life, I can't see myself being somewhere in a month, a year or years. I feel like I've been doing a good job of trying to find solutions for myself when I've been depressed, trying to reason with myself etc, but right now I just feel hopelessness. would be great to have a shoulder to cry on right now[/QUOTE] Same goes for you.

I feel pissed at everyone for no real reason at all, I yell and scream at people for no real reason at all. what the fuck is wrong with me.

I just don't understand why I feel so hopelessly sad and depressed right now. it's not uncommon for me to be a little depressed every now and then, but as I wrote yesterday, this is on a whole different level. it's been nearly constant since yesterday, it just won't come off and I can't come with a reason for why I'm so incredibly sad. I feel like deadweight, like I'm pushing on when it's obvious I won't make it anywhere here in life. I've been thinking maybe I'm just hungry, thirsty or even tired, maybe that's amplifying the depression, but it doesn't work to satisfy these needs. the depression feels so bad I feel it physically all over my body, I feel ill. I want to write more, but all that is going through my head right now are negative thoughts so it'll only become a long rant about me self pitying. I can't come with any reassurances like I usually do, feels like all logic and reason has left me. I only feel hopelessness and chaos. even though nothing is happening, there is no order and it's just a big mess. I feel like someone put a lid over me and I'm cooking over. I don't have an outlet for everything I feel, it just builds up. even if these feelings are positive, it becomes too much that it just becomes a chaotic, negative cluster of thoughts.

I have to go to work pretty soon, so I might not be able to respond but, what thoughts cross your mind when you feel so sad? It's really common to feel like you aren't moving forward, and to be depressed a little about that. It seems like there are probably other things weighing you down though.

[QUOTE=I Am Dumb;46758677]I have to go to work pretty soon, so I might not be able to respond but, what thoughts cross your mind when you feel so sad? It's really common to feel like you aren't moving forward, and to be depressed a little about that. It seems like there are probably other things weighing you down though.[/QUOTE] when thinking of it, I think it's mostly my thoughts about my current friends and my "social future". I feel that lots of the friends I currently have are none who are close, only people I can use to pass time and make myself feel good. I don't trust them, feel rejected by them often, and they never take the initiative to meet. I don't feel comfortable with them, but I don't know where else to go. through these people I just meet more people of the same caliber so it feels like a dead-end. I feel like a burden for many of them. it feels like too little to meet every 2-3 weeks, but I don't know how often I can meet without coming off as desperate. then there's also the issue with, what the hell do we do? to begin with, I was content with just meeting up and having a chat, but the more we meet, the less we get to talk about. I never have anything new to put on the table seeing as my life is fairly uneventful at the moment, and there's rarely a lot of new things happening for them too. I only have women in my social circle too, and it's noticeable I don't share the same interests as them. I really miss having a guy friend. I'm not sure if I'm using the right words, but it feels like I'm having an identity crisis. I have no idea what my interests are, how I truly behave, what kind of friends I want, or how many I want. I don't really know what kind of taste I have either. I constantly need someone external to approve of something since I don't know if I like something or not. I feel like my feelings and who I really am have been suppressed for so long I've forgotten who I am. sounds incredibly melodramatic, but I don't know how else I should word it. right now, I try my best to make sure whatever I do or get is trendy or cool, but I'm often left with a sour taste in my mouth. doesn't feel like me, but I don't know what "me" would be like.

Well, if these people that you socialize with are rejecting you, you're honestly the bigger person for giving them so much as the time of day. I think a large part of your "identity crisis" stems from some sort of change in your life, I'm not sure what that would be for you, but for me, when my father died was one. I remember constantly wanting to be a new person, change my look, my activities, my friends, pretty much everything. I realized after going through this multiple times, usually over a lost family member or loved one that the best thing to do is to be the person you look up to. It's tough to go through life feeling like no one cares, but when you start to care for yourself and become your own biggest fan, people will typically take notice of that and you will begin to meet people who deserve your friendship because you will know and effortlessly express the amazing person you really are. You are incredible, you just have to realize that, learn to love it and realize that the people who don't support you don't love themselves. And I'd like to also say, if this is the first time you've felt this way, it happens more than once for most of us. We all have moments where we lose our sense of direction, our sense of self, and begin questioning who we really are. You just need to remember that who you are isn't defined by clothing, by the music you listen to, the friends you have or the car you drive. What defines you is your ability to love and be loved, whether you know it or not there are plenty of people who love you for who you are, maybe even some of these friends you have, whether they show it or not, but the most important thing in life especially when faced with these problems is to love yourself, do the things that make you proud, and don't worry one bit about what anyone else thinks of it.

[QUOTE=I Am Dumb;46755470]To the poster above, I'm really sorry to hear that man, my dad passed when I was 16 and I can tell you it's not something you ever get over, but you will learn to live with it and become a stronger person.[/QUOTE] I can't even watch the local news or check Facebook anymore, if I do I'll burst into tears when the crash and pictures of the now mangled truck inevitably show up. Like, seeing [url=http://puu.sh/dDdmG/16cc3ff0a9.jpg]this[/url] and knowing that that truck is what I used to get into and get dropped off at school every day by him just makes this unbearable. All the shit I've ever complained about ever just feels so petty now, nothing compares to this. Nothing's ever made me want to just curl up and die as much as this, whether it was a bully, my friends ignoring me, being just fucking lonely, or anything, this is the singular worst thing that's ever happened in my life. I keep thinking to myself when I see the time "I wonder when dad's going to get home" and then it just hits me again, time after time that he isn't going to come home ever again. I can't fucking take this, I don't even have anything to distract me because I've got two weeks off and I'd rather just be alone instead of having a face-to-face heart-to-heart talk about it with anyone. At least if I was at school, I could just spend all of my time concentrating on my grades, studying for a test, making sure my lower-end grades don't drop to Cs, but no, I'm just sitting here in this house I've lived with him for 16 years in. I would give anything to have him back, I'd fucking cut off all of my limbs to have him back. I feel like shit every time I think about any time I ever disappointed him or anything, because I feel like I'll never be able to make it up to him. Before we left to drop me off at school, I heard the truck start outside, and the past two days I'd had to get a text saying "Cmon" before I shut off my PS3 and sprinted outside, and I didn't want to be late today so I did that as soon as I heard the truck. When I got out there, he said to me: [B]"Oh, I'm not ready to go yet."[/B] and I can't fucking help but feel that had two meanings. I can't type anymore, I'm going to die of dehydration at the rate I'm crying at right now

It's been 4 months almost since they told me to never talk to them again. They sent me a message about how they're recovering and they have someone new (probably better, ofc because I'm pretty shit myself) and I pretty much broke. But I'm happy for them, I am. I'm glad they're getting better so at least someone's happy. But fuck, I still do miss them. It's hard getting over people you wanted to pour your life into and then you let slip away at the last second because of your stupidity & mistakes. But I will survive I think

Had too little liquor left to get drunk on. I don't know why I can never snap out of this. I need someone in my life who actually gives a shit, that I can actually be myself around, that I can trust. I don't feel like I can trust anybody. And I need to be able to talk about this stuff, I need to get it out. I don't even trust my therapist, there's a lot I should be airing out so he can help but I'm too worried about sounding like an idiot. The people I do trust a little will listen, I think. I don't know, oftentimes if I ever get deep enough to admit something, they don't [I]fucking respond[/I]. And then they'll tell me they have to leave or it's bed time. Makes me feel great. If I talk relationships, everyone I know already has somebody. Sad thing is, I make better friends with these people because there's no reason to try anything, I can just be friendly. Of course, these people (like anyone in a relationship) love to talk about their significant other, so it doesn't help the loneliness factor at all. And when I think about branching out, making friends with single people, I recoil. It almost even physically scares me to go out. It'll just hurt. And I'll be alone again. And again. And again. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Am I selfish for sometimes not wanting to help people through an extremely emotional problem sometimes? Today, one of my friends approached me, pretty distraught about something I won't go into detail about for their sake, which I'm used to when the need arises. WHILE that was happening, another old friend of mine was contemplating suicide and wanted a reason to live. I just...It's so hard for me to function when it seems like a ton of people rely on me for salvation. This is the 5th friend that I can remember that I've had to talk out of that shit in recent memory. ANY time someone comes to me and says they're about to off themselves, I always take it seriously. Better safe than sorry. It just gets harder and harder to do that shit when you can't even keep your own fucking emotions in check. What about me says that I can help you give a reason to live? Not saying that I'm sick of helping people, but goddamn it. I dunno. I wish someone could help me too, I guess. That's all.