Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I hate vacations because they leave me with to much time to think

[QUOTE=slayer20;46813844]words[/QUOTE] Try to take opportunity in getting advanced positions like management wherever you work. P much anywhere you work they'll tell you the same thing, they want people who will be with them a while etc etc but you can bullshit that; hell youre putting on an act just to be there and work right? lmao just try and get better positions and it'll look good on your job record later. I can understand the dilemma of feeling like youre running in place with jobs too, and I pretty much wont ever be working retail ever again because fuck that noise. No one deserves that

Oh no, I feel like I'm regressing. I was doing so well and hadn't felt this miserable in months, why is this back why am I so scared

[QUOTE=HWECQI;46820787]Oh no, I feel like I'm regressing. I was doing so well and hadn't felt this miserable in months, why is this back why am I so scared[/QUOTE] I'm sure it's something that'll pass! I often have periods where I feel even shittier than I felt back when I was in a much worse situation, and luckily, they always pass. just something short term that doesn't really manifest. I planned to meet the girl I've written about before who lives at the same clinic as me on new years eve. I hope we'll meet, but I'm somewhat in doubt. she somehow manages to show interest in meeting me, but at the same time I feel she doesn't want to while I feel she wants to at the same time. hopefully she won't bail as she've done in the past as I have a few plans and looking forward to it. don't think this relation is very healthy for me considering what kind of rocky start we had and how it has evolved. feel like I need something to replace what she gives me though before I move on. luckily I'll begin working next week! hopefully it'll give me a few new friends I can pick from when feeling up for something.

Been a rough winter, cheer up everyone.

I had lucid dream where I committed suicide by drowning myself in the bathtub. I puked my guts out after I woke up and now I'm scared of going back to sleep. I don't ever want to see that again. [editline]30th December 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=HWECQI;46820787]Oh no, I feel like I'm regressing. I was doing so well and hadn't felt this miserable in months, why is this back why am I so scared[/QUOTE] I'm here for you, dude.

How to deal with feeling universally inadequate and the irrational sense that it's too late to pull yourself out of that?

there's actually a group of people (or many small groups of people) that actually like to talk shit about me or just act really dumb around me i keep finding out that angry people are talking behind my back, trying to start dumb "raids", and doing other dumb shit but I don't really talk about it because it sounds insane like a week ago I got word that that someone who was really angry with my post about him shitposting on my visitor messages tried to get all his friends to do something to me idk what it was because no one but a handful of people really cared that much about a month ago someone just sent me really dumb messages via pm, visitor, and steam messages and ended up getting banned for it about 3 months ago (idk) kept posting "furry" on my visitor messages and when I didn't cared the guy added me on steam, invited me to a bunch of furry porn groups, and said some dumb shit. guy was permabanned a few weeks later for trying to blackmail someone with nude pictures about 4 months ago someone who had a massive fetish for a certain pokemon just sent me porn of that pokemon and I was like "ok" and when I didn't give a shit he started backpedaling and going on a tangent about how he thought I was autistic and how he wasn't into furry porn or something idk about 5 months ago someone started spamming ratings, ended up getting permabanned on one account, created a new account, spammed ratings, got banned, went on his old account, spammed ratings, got permabanned, then stopped for like 2 months then spammed ratings again on a new account about 6 months ago someone said "ok look i'll help you become a better poster" and added me on steam and just started berating me when I didn't really give too much of a fuck because all encounters I've had with him just involved him being an angry nerd , called me autistic in the end. about 6-8 months ago someone was talking shit about me in a furry porn chat out of all places and I found out and I confronted him about it nicely and he denied it at first then backed it up after I quoted what he said about 10 months ago a facepunch member added me on steam when I called him out for being an ass, accused me of stalking him, called me autistic, and asked me how my day was. I then asked a friend of him who happened to be on my friendlist if he knows that was serious or not and said friend said "oh you're just a little bit autistic". He was only on my friendlist because I was trying to help him get over his EXTREME transphobia but I just removed him like a month later because I stopped giving a shit about other's people problems and started focusing on mine What all these people have in common is that they're all from the furry fandom. I am not just filtering out the non-furry shit encounters, these are literally all the above-minor encounters I have had in the past year. What's the fuck is happening, I honestly haven't had a negative facepunch related encounter with someone who wasn't a furry in a year. I was going to say "except for this one guy who called me a bad poster" but apparently he's also a furry and it fits under the "minor" category because everyone says that. I haven't said anything anti-furry for an entire year (and by god I am INCREDIBLY careful with this because 120% of the time it starts a massive shitstorm that revolves around me) so why the fuck does this keep happening. [editline]30th December 2014[/editline] reason I made this post because according to someone, a bunch of furries are going through some certain posts of mine

[QUOTE=PredGD;46821117]I planned to meet the girl I've written about before who lives at the same clinic as me on new years eve. I hope we'll meet, but I'm somewhat in doubt. she somehow manages to show interest in meeting me, but at the same time I feel she doesn't want to while I feel she wants to at the same time. hopefully she won't bail as she've done in the past as I have a few plans and looking forward to it. don't think this relation is very healthy for me considering what kind of rocky start we had and how it has evolved. feel like I need something to replace what she gives me though before I move on. luckily I'll begin working next week! hopefully it'll give me a few new friends I can pick from when feeling up for something.[/QUOTE] she bailed, huge surprise. think I'll quit making any effort to meet up, if she really wants to meet me, she'll contact me

little depressed that I don't have anyone to spend new years eve with. looking back at this year, its been a huge mess. it has been empty, don't have a single good memory from this year other than meeting one guy on the internet. here's hoping for a good next year, happy new year!

[QUOTE=PredGD;46830343]little depressed that I don't have anyone to spend new years eve with. looking back at this year, its been a huge mess. it has been empty, don't have a single good memory from this year other than meeting one guy on the internet. here's hoping for a good next year, happy new year![/QUOTE] I love you.

should I confront the shitheads that have been talking shit behind my back on fp or no it's not like they're like really aggressive cunts they just seem really weak to me

Might as well get myself started here. Nice to meet you all, my name's Lazlo. Not my real name, just what I prefer to be called. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at a young age, and it's only now that it's starting to kick in. Ever since the beginning of 2012, I've been having suicidal thoughts that are affecting the way I think and the way I talk. One minute I can be quite cheerful and friendly, the next I can be extremely negative and isolated. This started getting worse over the course of 2014. I considered cutting myself more frequently, though I never actually did it, started to feel extremely broken over the course of August, and I reached a point where I thought everyone stopped caring about me. In the final week of the year (yesterday, in fact), I discovered my grandfather had terminal lung cancer, which started driving me even more over the edge. I just can't live like this anymore. I just can't. Please help me in any way you can.

I just feel awfully down about things I can't have any / miniscule way of affecting, plus I have been developing sort of annoying nihilistic view on my own life. I try to rid of them, but they constantly creep back.

Started taking 50 mg sertraline 1½ week ago. Been feeling really tired the last couple of days. Does this pass? Increasing to 100 mg in a couple of days. Not feeling any effects yet (apart from side effects)

ok honestly i'm sick and tired of these furry personal armies that suck eachother off when one person gets a tiny scrape from an argument literally what happened when I was in the fandom, people would form different circlejerks and anyone who wasn't in their circlejerk was fair game for bitching. I tried staying far away from those groups but it bit me in the ass then and it's biting me in the ass now. if you weren't part of any circlejerk then you're pretty much fucked especially if you tried to leave the fandom whilst criticising it for all the bullshit it's done. for example people were talking shit about this one furry in the chat thread, but no one gave a shit and defended him because he wasn't part of any circlejerk in there then talk shit about one guy who's been a complete ass about you and 5-10 minutes later you'll all have their friends trying to do some dumb shit to you, it's usually harmless like just a few ratings or angry visitor messages i'm not a nutter who thinks everyone is out to get me, I actually get other people who come to me and say "oh this guy is talking shit about you in this private chat" even though I barely know them. They're trying to start shit because they don't like the one guy who's talking shit.

how do I stop being a fucking moron I keep posting paragraph long autistic posts about my life issues when no one gives a shit and It doesn't help. I want people to understand the shit I'm going through but that never works because people have to give a shit for it to work

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;46837069]ok honestly i'm sick and tired of these furry personal armies that suck eachother off when one person gets a tiny scrape from an argument literally what happened when I was in the fandom, people would form different circlejerks and anyone who wasn't in their circlejerk was fair game for bitching. I tried staying far away from those groups but it bit me in the ass then and it's biting me in the ass now. if you weren't part of any circlejerk then you're pretty much fucked especially if you tried to leave the fandom whilst criticising it for all the bullshit it's done. for example people were talking shit about this one furry in the chat thread, but no one gave a shit and defended him because he wasn't part of any circlejerk in there then talk shit about one guy who's been a complete ass about you and 5-10 minutes later you'll all have their friends trying to do some dumb shit to you, it's usually harmless like just a few ratings or angry visitor messages i'm not a nutter who thinks everyone is out to get me, I actually get other people who come to me and say "oh this guy is talking shit about you in this private chat" even though I barely know them. They're trying to start shit because they don't like the one guy who's talking shit.[/QUOTE] that's legitimately just the internet for you. regardless of size nearly every website is subjected to this in some form and isn't even close to being just a thing those furries did. But yeah often furries are like the crazed ex girlfriend going pyscho and get friends on you, its something that's always bothered me too. People do it to me too, if i start bickering with someone a friend will swoop in to help me when i wasn't even asking. I can handle my own shit, i don't need a lackey.

apparently i'm supposed to come on facepunch and bitch so people can laugh at me so i might as well do it here :)) i went to this facepunch chat (not THE facepunch chat), someone sent me a message saying "look what this chat moderator was saying about you" and it was literally the moderator just bringing up out of the blue "we should ban roflburger because he might start drama but he hasn't yet LOL" and had a discussion with this other guy. so i talked to the moderator in a private chat, asking what the hell he was thinking when he said that, all he could say was "omg damn spies XD" and not take it seriously. I had to take all that seriously because last time the guy banned me from a chat was because he didn't want to ban his friend and I didn't really want to go through that again. i fruitlessly tried explaining that this is drama within itself but obv he doesn't care (happens with a lot of my rants doesn't it) and cracks more epic jokes like I honestly want to thank the people who actually send me this information on who's being a dumbass and who isn't because that actually helps me because I know that everyone isn't out to get me and they just want to relax [QUOTE=Viva;46838891]that's legitimately just the internet for you. regardless of size nearly every website is subjected to this in some form and isn't even close to being just a thing those furries did. But yeah often furries are like the crazed ex girlfriend going pyscho and get friends on you, its something that's always bothered me too. People do it to me too, if i start bickering with someone a friend will swoop in to help me when i wasn't even asking. I can handle my own shit, i don't need a lackey.[/QUOTE] the internet is just doing it for shits and giggles, this is actually hardcore grudges the thing is i literally never had an encounter like this with any other person, all instances somehow involved people complaining that I was ex-furry or just bringing up furry shit like I hate saying it but it's true

^ maybe the best thing you can do is honestly just say fuck it to whatever online alias your currently using on multiple websites and start over with a new name? Or have people stop messaging you and telling you when you're brought up because as much as it could be seen as helping you stay aware, it actually ends up hurting in the longer run. Trying to confront them wont do you any good because as you've said, they really don't care. They're doing it in the spur of the moment at the expense of others for a few cheap laughs. A lot of what you're bringing up includes people constantly going back to you because they know you. They know who you are and where you post and they know they'll get a reaction out of you (even asking for help here can give them the reaction they want, seeing you go out of your way because of them) ofc it may not be as easy as just forget all your old accounts and start over new but it is always an option. especially when these same core people seem to keep having it our for you or bringing old shit up

[QUOTE=PopSkimo;46839091]^ maybe the best thing you can do is honestly just say fuck it to whatever online alias your currently using on multiple websites and start over with a new name? Or have people stop messaging you and telling you when you're brought up because as much as it could be seen as helping you stay aware, it actually ends up hurting in the longer run. Trying to confront them wont do you any good because as you've said, they really don't care. They're doing it in the spur of the moment at the expense of others for a few cheap laughs. A lot of what you're bringing up includes people constantly going back to you because they know you. They know who you are and where you post and they know they'll get a reaction out of you (even asking for help here can give them the reaction they want, seeing you go out of your way because of them) ofc it may not be as easy as just forget all your old accounts and start over new but it is always an option. especially when these same core people seem to keep having it our for you or bringing old shit up[/QUOTE] I've heard this "post as someone different" suggestion before and I'm seriously considering it but I rather prove to no one that I'm not what they think I am because I still think I have some pride. I honestly rather people message me these things because it tells me who I can trust and who I can't trust. I honestly don't trust many people on here but when they actually think this entire situation is wrong and them come up to me saying "maybe you should talk to this person because he said x/y/z". 20% of the time that actually solves the problem, when I do solve the problem then I am relieved that this person would get off my asshole about it, when it doesn't then I try to avoid them in the future. People usually say it's incredibly stupid to give some sort of "yo what's your deal" attitude because arguably they're asking for a reaction but when it's in a thread where people are (or supposed to be) supportive then yeah I try to walk them through this problem. If it's obvious that they're a shithead then I avoid them, if they're willing to listen to reason then that's good. I'm not going to name names but this guy who absolutely hated my guts for some reason was always aggressive as fuck, I asked what the deal was and after about like 10 visitor messages later we managed to be okay with eachother. But If the a guy acts like a shithead about it then oh well what are you going to do, you're just going to have to accept the fact that the guy is a shithead. The problem with me is that I can't really control my emotions because I have "too much", I'm trying to get help with that via removing all my problems with my mental state so sometimes you usually see me make paragraph long posts about illegible bullshit that just scream "ok this guy is venting". I used to be able to control my emotions, I usually just bottle them up and not give any sort of reaction but that wasn't healthy because that just made me act like a passive-aggressive shithead towards other people as a way of release. The thing that gets me upset is the fact that someone is dedicating what seems to be most of their time to acting like a shithead. For example if some guy walked up to me in the streets and called me something like a "massive fucking jewfaggot" I wouldn't give a shit because that was like 3 seconds. But when a guy really lets you know that he would probably miss his own mother's funeral just to throw in another 3 minutes of dumb shit towards you then that gets me. For example when I was in Grade 7 I punched some 9th grader in self defence when the guy went up to me, pinned me against a wall, tried duct taping me to it for no fucking reason. Of coursed he punched me after, causing a nose bleed. I didn't give too much of a fuck after it (neither did the people around it, what a great year) but 30 minutes later in the classroom I had a breakdown about it when I thought of the fact that [I]someone actually did this[/I] to me.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;46839289]I've heard this "post as someone different" suggestion before and I'm seriously considering it but I rather prove to no one that I'm not what they think I am because I still think I have some pride. I honestly rather people message me these things because it tells me who I can trust and who I can't trust. I honestly don't trust many people on here but when they actually think this entire situation is wrong and them come up to me saying "maybe you should talk to this person because he said x/y/z". 20% of the time that actually solves the problem, when I do solve the problem then I am relieved that this person would get off my asshole about it, when it doesn't then I try to avoid them in the future. [/QUOTE] It's an internet forum, you're making it far more serious than it should be. Just make an alt.

if I were you, I'd distance myself from those people and similar situations completely. some people are assholes and there's very little you can do about them, but what you can do is change your own stance to these situations they create. ignore them, block them, remove them from whatever they may be added on if there's even the slightest hint at something nasty. confronting them, trying to reason, etc, is all just fueling it, no matter how good your intentions may be.

[QUOTE=Viva;46839319]It's an internet forum, you're making it far more serious than it should be. Just make an alt.[/QUOTE] Might as well make an alt then.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;46840236]Might as well make an alt then.[/QUOTE] If you posting habits continue, people will know it's you, and you'll be equally frustrated since you'll be reading the same posts that annoyed you before. Have you tried not visiting FP or internet communities that have furries in them for a month or so to see if you feel better? It's easier than trying to change everyone else on the internet.

[QUOTE=Roll_Program;46840460]If you posting habits continue, people will know it's you, and you'll be equally frustrated since you'll be reading the same posts that annoyed you before. Have you tried not visiting FP or internet communities that have furries in them for a month or so to see if you feel better? It's easier than trying to change everyone else on the internet.[/QUOTE] What's with you saying I'm trying to change people when I'm not even doing that? It's literally not about furries, it's about the people. Do you really think I dislike someone because they're furry? No I dislike people for being assholes. How many assumptions have you made about me in the past year where I had to type paragraph long posts where you later say something like "whoops sorry I was wrong / that was mean" and then a time later you make the same accusation with different wording. See this is some of the lighter things I was talking about days ago, the same people talking to me saying "you hate furries" or something of the like [editline]2nd January 2015[/editline] If I was seriously getting anxiety from the fact that there are furries on fp then I would've been permabanned for being a shit to them long ago. I literally do not give a fuck if you're into furry stuff, anime, MLP, or any of those types of fandoms, I just care about who you are. Like it feels incredibly ridiculous that I'm trying to prove that I'm not anti-furry when you can't. It's like asking someone to prove they're not racist.

I've been sat here crying for almost an hour over fucking nothing. I can't help but feel like a complete failure when it comes down to it. How can I get out of this if this shit keeps happening?

I'm not sure if this really fits here to begin with, but I'm not sure where else to vent. ever since I was little, I've been drinking pepsi max as if my life depended on it. it wasn't that much before, much more moderate, though in the last three years I've been drinking perhaps an unhealthy amount of it. I've never really thought much of it, done any research on it, checked how much caffeine is in a bottle, etc. I just drank and was content with it, though I was experiencing some oddities which I now, after doing some research, believe may be related to caffeine intoxication. these symptoms are not always present, but what I notice the most is disorientation, confusion, losing trail of my thoughts and nausea. disorientation is something that bothers me nearly every night, which I've always blamed at something else. I get in me minimum 0.9 grams of caffeine everyday, with some days reaching 1.2 grams and 1.5 grams. I don't feel the effect of caffeine at all, but I feel it when I don't get it and when I've drunk too much which is usually every night at the 0.9 gram mark. at least I believe what I'm experiencing is related to it. I was thinking I should make the effort to maybe quit consuming anything with caffeine in it completely. I've never really thought of me as addicted, but the second I think about quitting I get very anxious. I don't want to bring it up at the clinic, with a doctor, or my family, since the answer is kinda obvious and I don't want to hear it. I think this is a much bigger problem than I've thought. I never saw this as a problem, but it's clear that it is after doing some research.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;46840834]How can I get out of this if this shit keeps happening?[/QUOTE] do something that will make you feel successful/accomplished. study, look for work, etc. if your normal hobbies don't make you feel any better, being productive will. [QUOTE=PredGD;46844529] I was thinking I should make the effort to maybe quit consuming anything with caffeine in it completely. I've never really thought of me as addicted, but the second I think about quitting I get very anxious. I don't want to bring it up at the clinic, with a doctor, or my family, since the answer is kinda obvious and I don't want to hear it. I think this is a much bigger problem than I've thought. I never saw this as a problem, but it's clear that it is after doing some research.[/QUOTE] that's a fuckton of caffeine intake, and yes it can definitely play a role with both physical and mental well-being. replace it with water or make a habit of drinking tea, you can quit caffeine cold-turkey. it is [I]not[/I] a good idea to be drinking that much pop

Life has just been one huge mess after another lately. I signed myself into this in-patient hospital to help cope with some shitty things that happened almost a year ago. The doctors and therapists treated me like absolute garbage while I was there. They didn't care. At all. They only kept you there and made up as many excuses as they could get away with because the longer you stay there, the more money they make off of you because of these nightly stays. Our insurance barely even covered my stay in the first place, so leaving there only left me with problems unsolved and a huge bill. I felt even worse leaving the place. I never want to go there again. Knowing that I can't even report what happened to me almost a year ago because it's been too long to even scrounge up proper evidence makes me feel absolutely stupid that I wasn't brave enough to bring anything up sooner. Knowing that this piece of human garbage still looms around close to where I live scares me to death. I have severe anxiety that I have to deal with on a daily basis in the first place and I can barely go out to places anymore in fears of running into him again. Before all this happened I felt confident enough to find a proper job and make my family proud for once. Nowadays, my confidence is at an all-time low nowadays whereas my anxiety is off-the-charts high. Calling making concept art a "job" for a company that barely puts in the love and effort into one of their games as much as they used to can only get you so far. It feels like a joke at this point. Because of some recent changes my income is gonna be pretty much non-existent by the end of this month. I feel like I wasted a whole year sitting at this computer working as much as I possibly could, when most of it wasn't worth it at the end. Seeing as they didn't give us any prior warning about all of this, I fear for whatever else may or may not come. This, alongside my mom's tiny disability check that she gets on a monthly basis won't be able to get us the necessities. I'm fearful that we're not gonna be able to pay for bills and food anymore. At least not for a good, long while, anyway.. I've also recently came out to my mom about not feeling comfortable about who I was born as not even a week ago. After hearing about Leelah Alcorn's tragic story not too long ago after I told my mom about myself, I'm just.. Scared. My mom is neutral about it, by the sounds of things she told my sisters before I could even get a chance to say anything to them and I feel like they're distancing themselves away from me already. What about my brother in-laws? My nieces and nephews? Are they going to think I'm this fucking freak and not want to talk or ever see me again? It pains me every single fucking day that I'm stuck in this body that I hate and won't be able to afford the proper things to help me transition for a long, long while. At this point I'm doubtful for the future. Would it even worth it if my family won't accept me? Whatever money that I do get is very little, and because of the changes I mentioned earlier I probably won't even have enough to get a week's worth of groceries by the end of this month. I'd be super lucky if this were even the case. I'm at my wit's end and the only thing that's keeping me hanging on is this little tiny scrap of hope that things are gonna get better. I also wouldn't want to put my mom through the pain of losing me if I ever do anything stupid. I feel terrible. I feel selfish that I want to transition. I feel awful that I can't get justice with what happened last April. I'm feeling like I'm letting my whole family down by not contributing more than I'm able. I feel like a joke. There's so much more that I wish I could let out but I feel so bad I've let myself ramble this much already. I'm sorry.