Things To NOT Say to a Depressed Person - General

[QUOTE=Kylel999;49713226] Just take things as they come and stop worrying.[/QUOTE] What a nice strategy to just keep your life as shitty as it is and not try to change anything. I'd say depression caused by some actual events, not the hormonally induced one, is a nice thing in the sense that it will eventually force you to get your life together (or it will completely break you and make it even worse). Sure the second outcome doesn't sound very fascinating, but either way, it's always better to do something than to just take everything as it is.

I see a lot of "you can fix it, you just have to try" and such but what about the depression caused by my incurable disease? Diagnosis has sort of irrevocably ruined my life so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to just "get over it".

[QUOTE=mr apple;49696444]How can you see the positives if there's never any proof of their being any postivity?[/QUOTE] It would be nice to see positivity if I wasnt a giant ball of apathy. That has been what depression is for me. It isn't sad, it is just unfeeling.

You'll regret being depressed and suicidal. Not the best thing to say, despite being very true.

Depends on where your depression stems from, and usually it's some form of unsolvable problem(s) with your life that next to no amount of words will have any effect other than causing you to fall asleep from boredom. Next time you open your mouth to tell a depressed person/someone you suspect of it some rehashed advice as though you're helping, remember to put a sock in it. Perhaps you'll even make them laugh at the absurdity of someone with a sock in their mouth but at least you're helping right?

[QUOTE=Mikenopa;49695340]Things not to say to a depressed person: I love you.[/QUOTE] haha what

[QUOTE=New Cidem;49713823]I see a lot of "you can fix it, you just have to try" and such but what about the depression caused by my incurable disease? Diagnosis has sort of irrevocably ruined my life so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to just "get over it".[/QUOTE] A professional would not tell you to "just get over it" but you have to understand the difference between acceptance and approval. Acceptance of your diagnosis does NOT mean you are okay with it or "just getting over it" but it means you understand what you have, it sucks, it's not going away, so how are you going to build a life worth living with your diagnosis? What are the positives vs the negatives of acceptance and non acceptance? Which road leads to the least negative emotions and a healthier life? The most difficult situations can be tolerated with the effective application of your mind. [editline]10th February 2016[/editline] Something to think about but these things are better discussed outside of the internet.

depression is waaaaay to variable to have a set list of "things not to say" Really I think the only phrase that would go over all cases would be the one above me, "Just get over it"

[QUOTE=Daysofwinter;49714819]You'll regret being depressed and suicidal. Not the best thing to say, despite being very true.[/QUOTE] All of your posts on the subject of depression are just not good dude.

[QUOTE=InvaderNouga;49715436]A professional would not tell you to "just get over it" but you have to understand the difference between acceptance and approval. Acceptance of your diagnosis does NOT mean you are okay with it or "just getting over it" but it means you understand what you have, it sucks, it's not going away, so how are you going to build a life worth living with your diagnosis? What are the positives vs the negatives of acceptance and non acceptance? Which road leads to the least negative emotions and a healthier life? The most difficult situations can be tolerated with the effective application of your mind. [editline]10th February 2016[/editline] Something to think about but these things are better discussed outside of the internet.[/QUOTE] Sadly there's very little support for these sorts of things on the internet. General depression, etc. sure. I guess I'd have more luck with a support group if one such group existed near where I live.

[QUOTE=Kylel999;49713226]And always remember the most fucking annoying thing in life is when someone is afflicted by self helplessness. You are not helpless. You are able to take control[/QUOTE] holy shit learned helplessness is a thing dude

Life sucks unless you make it suck less.

[QUOTE=sltungle;49711602]Right, but at the same time reinforcing the negative ideas is certainly not the correct thing to do either. If one of my friends came up to me and went, "everything's shit and I'd want to die," I wouldn't be like, "okay!" or, "yes, you are correct." I say this as someone who's been in a pretty shitty place a few times in my life, too.[/QUOTE] I've seen instances where people say that depressed people are completely wrong, which can force them into a panic of being out of touch with reality and not knowing how to be a part of it. When people are more constructive, looking at what they're doing right, what they're on the right track with, what they should rethink, and errors they've accepted as fact, then they won't look at it as a herculean amount of work that they have to do, and might also look at it as, "Oh, I was just a couple degrees off of the right trajectory." It's the difference between "everything is happy what are you talking about" and "you're right about this, but are wrong about this". A lot of people accidentally invalidate depressed people entirely.

"Hang in there"

[QUOTE=InvaderNouga;49695356]Tbh I don't mean to knock the way you feel but some of these quotes are totally accurate, it's just when you're depressed it's very hard to see that or believe in those things because of the nature of depression. Think about how your negative belief system is impacting your feelings. [editline]8th February 2016[/editline] [B]Also suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That's the truth.[/B][/QUOTE] Hah. Hah. Hah. Right. I do not like posting on the topic of suicidal ideation or tendencies because it hits close to home for me. Myself, and four close family members have all grappled with that problem in our own unique ways. None of them were temporary, and death would (and arguably is) a fine solution in the face of them. Let's start with the first. My grandfather was an American POW in Nazi Germany. He was shot twice, and killed three men before he was captured by a road provost. Then he endured about a year of malnutrition and illness. The nightmares, and PTSD he suffered from caused him to violently mistreat his family. He contemplated suicide, both as a way to escape the psychological turmoil that he felt [I]until the day he died of natural causes,[/I] as well as a way to protect his family from his own actions which he could not control. Second. My Grandmother, other side of the family, from a very early age, was sexually abused. Extensively. She contemplated suicide, but refrained for religious reasons. Rather than seek comfort in others, she was an alcoholic who, like my grandfather on the other side, beat her children. Hardly a temporary issue. Third. My aunt has had, from an exceptionally early age, severly advanced arthritis. She has lead a sincerely limited life and has been a certified cripple since the age of 16. I know she has whispered the prayer for death, so that she would have had suicidal ideations is hardly beyond the realm of reasonability. To this day she suffers limited movement, intense pain, and a proclivity towards severe injuries from minor accidents. She was also an inheritor of abuse, as mentioned above. Fourth. My great aunt is over one hundred years old. She was projected to die five years ago. She prays for death [I]every day.[/I] She is slowly losing her mind, and is becoming progressively more bed ridden. She has not left her apartment for thirty years, save for one trip to the hospital for surgery. If she does leave, she risks having a fatal heart attack caused by the panic she would experience in the confusion of being in this strange new world. Suicide would be a viable option for her. Finally, myself. My life is complex, particularly as an inheritor of so many troubles. I will only talk about my one compelling reason. I live with a condition that will cause me chronic, and sometimes unbearable pain for the rest of my natural life. No matter how excellent I become at something, and no matter how much I strive, I [I]will[/I] be held back by the threat of an unpredictable, sudden onset of pain. This brings me back to the OP. The tragically idiotic OP. "I love you," is what gets me through the day. I take it in heapfuls from my significant other. "Live to see the one person that makes your day," has pulled me away from the darkest and most profane contemplations. "Things will get better," occasionally tickles my naive proclivity for hope. I guarantee you that such platitudes would have been an anathema to my grandfather and would have chased him in to a self-made noose. Depression, suicidal thoughts and ideations, and the attatched parcels are complicated. Each case is different. Some people's sadnesses are driven simply. By irrationality, chemical imbalance, mere 'temporary' issues. Others are driven strongly. By injury, by loss, by impossible pain. A rare few are driven with the burning complexity that strikes itself in to the hearts of those around them, and spreads the sadness like a virus. I think it is even wrong to talk, so broadly, of "depressed" people. It makes it humiliating and taboo to even talk about the issue. This [B]depression.[/B] I am horrified of being labeled depressed person myself. I revile the idea that people should look upon me as a weak, simpering fool who thinks solace lies in the barrel of a gun. Every day I strive against what I take to be my weakness. The specter's hand will always be on my shoulder. I admire anyone who rises above it. But I admit the sense that the argument makes when it is said, "the pain doesn't have to continue like this."

my mates are good because they don't change their attitude towards me when it happens, so essentially, it allows me to fight it internally through contextual sort of reminders, kind of like it triggers the parts of my brain that were active during good times before the depression came about, through memory and association that sort of shifts my perspective past dwelling and allows for some traction, which gives me some edge as a means to pull myself back out, difficult to explain. My depression isn't too severe, and it comes and goes, but I've experienced some pretty deep states and what I can tell you is that it does definitely seem like there's no point in anything, and not even in a 'oh yeah, everything's pointless so it doesn't matter' sense, I mean it's more like, what value any thing had, has suddenly been lost, like even tho you could do something about it, your current experience of perception has no real effect on you in terms of emotional connection/response, so it seems so utterly pointless to even try, as you can't see it ever being worthwhile, so long as that state has it's grips on you in knowing that's how it goes though, it's very effective to have reminders that things can have an effect, that it will pass, even if that's something as simple as your mates treating you as if you aren't depressed and just being their usual selves, or encouraging you to do something until you do finally do it instead of just 'giving up' on you or treating you like a lost cause, but you need a good support network for that kinda thing I know it's not as easy for people with severe or chronic depression or for those who don't have a good support network, that's just me, once I find that 'edge', that little speck that reminds me that even though it might not seem like it right now, there is more to life than what I presently experience in that state of depression, because i've experienced it before, I know it can be experienced, then I can start pulling myself back out to a point where it, eventually, clears up, not a fast process, but it is a kind of 'breaking of the shackles', where I do kind of have to 'snap myself out of it' by ACTING on it as soon as I have a chance to see through it, or otherwise, the depression just gets worse through dwelling, where ultimately taking action is still the only way to pull myself out. it sucks that it's a creeper though, comes up out of nowhere once in a while, but just gotta stay on top of it as best I can I suppose

Some of the things on that list are actually pretty nice. I'd love it if I had some friends who cared enough to say things like that for me. For the first 16 years of my life, I only had friends who would either ignore my feelings, treat me weirdly for opening up, or just straight up say hurtful shit to get out of even remotely offering support. I even had one friend at one point who legitimately said that I didn't know what true depression was, and that I should feel ashamed of myself for even feeling as though I was. Several years later and I still have those feelings, so boom, guess they were wrong. So I mean, I'd take any of the things on that list over some of the things I've gotten.

when I was depressed I'd scowl and hiss at certain types of advice but now that I'm much happier, I realise that taking people's advice (not always in the way they intended - just using critical thinking like, 'I'm unhappy, how can I change this?' and having the same thought every day until finally an opportunity presented itself) was probably what got me outta there

[QUOTE=Crazy Ivan;49718741]Hah. Hah. Hah. Right. I do not like posting on the topic of suicidal ideation or tendencies because it hits close to home for me. Myself, and four close family members have all grappled with that problem in our own unique ways. None of them were temporary, and death would (and arguably is) a fine solution in the face of them. Let's start with the first. My grandfather was an American POW in Nazi Germany. He was shot twice, and killed three men before he was captured by a road provost. Then he endured about a year of malnutrition and illness. The nightmares, and PTSD he suffered from caused him to violently mistreat his family. He contemplated suicide, both as a way to escape the psychological turmoil that he felt [I]until the day he died of natural causes,[/I] as well as a way to protect his family from his own actions which he could not control. Second. My Grandmother, other side of the family, from a very early age, was sexually abused. Extensively. She contemplated suicide, but refrained for religious reasons. Rather than seek comfort in others, she was an alcoholic who, like my grandfather on the other side, beat her children. Hardly a temporary issue. Third. My aunt has had, from an exceptionally early age, severly advanced arthritis. She has lead a sincerely limited life and has been a certified cripple since the age of 16. I know she has whispered the prayer for death, so that she would have had suicidal ideations is hardly beyond the realm of reasonability. To this day she suffers limited movement, intense pain, and a proclivity towards severe injuries from minor accidents. She was also an inheritor of abuse, as mentioned above. Fourth. My great aunt is over one hundred years old. She was projected to die five years ago. She prays for death [I]every day.[/I] She is slowly losing her mind, and is becoming progressively more bed ridden. She has not left her apartment for thirty years, save for one trip to the hospital for surgery. If she does leave, she risks having a fatal heart attack caused by the panic she would experience in the confusion of being in this strange new world. Suicide would be a viable option for her. Finally, myself. My life is complex, particularly as an inheritor of so many troubles. I will only talk about my one compelling reason. I live with a condition that will cause me chronic, and sometimes unbearable pain for the rest of my natural life. No matter how excellent I become at something, and no matter how much I strive, I [I]will[/I] be held back by the threat of an unpredictable, sudden onset of pain. This brings me back to the OP. The tragically idiotic OP. "I love you," is what gets me through the day. I take it in heapfuls from my significant other. "Live to see the one person that makes your day," has pulled me away from the darkest and most profane contemplations. "Things will get better," occasionally tickles my naive proclivity for hope. I guarantee you that such platitudes would have been an anathema to my grandfather and would have chased him in to a self-made noose. Depression, suicidal thoughts and ideations, and the attatched parcels are complicated. Each case is different. Some people's sadnesses are driven simply. By irrationality, chemical imbalance, mere 'temporary' issues. Others are driven strongly. By injury, by loss, by impossible pain. A rare few are driven with the burning complexity that strikes itself in to the hearts of those around them, and spreads the sadness like a virus. I think it is even wrong to talk, so broadly, of "depressed" people. It makes it humiliating and taboo to even talk about the issue. This [B]depression.[/B] I am horrified of being labeled depressed person myself. I revile the idea that people should look upon me as a weak, simpering fool who thinks solace lies in the barrel of a gun. Every day I strive against what I take to be my weakness. The specter's hand will always be on my shoulder. I admire anyone who rises above it. But I admit the sense that the argument makes when it is said, "the pain doesn't have to continue like this."[/QUOTE] I think Darwin is trying to off your bloodline. You feel me, you feel me dogg u feel me [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Awful post" - Craptasket))[/highlight]

Most of those things on the list sound like stuff I honestly would have wanted to hear when life just seems shitty and unlivable. But I'm no expert here. I'm terrible at comforting people. So let me ask this: If none of those things are stuff you should say to someone going through a depressive episode... well, then what is?

honestly stuff that helps with people with depression is anything that can help foster behavioral activation; like having a friend say "hey man you want to go out and see a movie tomorrow or later this week?" even little things like that give folks something to look forward to and having help getting up and going out makes it even easier

thank you sir

[QUOTE=Ruski v2.0;49696200]To anyone depressed I would recommend reading 'The Myth of Sisyphus' by Camus. It is a concept heavy but worthwhile read. Life is indeed pointless, but because we aren't sure what happens next, we might as well continue with (and laugh at the absurdity of) the charade. It helped me a lot.[/QUOTE] The irony is that one of the major themes of Camus and absurdism is the death of hope... And in that I found comfort. Also read The Stranger. [editline]14th February 2016[/editline] I've found that the best thing to say to people suffering from some sort of personal problem or crisis is nothing at all. I've had total strangers thank me because I just let them talk about their problems for a while while I remained dead quiet.

I really can't agree with a single phrase in the OP. I went through severe depression...went to a psych hospital and even "attempted" suicide a second time after leaving the out patient program (which made me miss a few weeks of school..beginning of high school). First attempt was barely even an attempt, and the second time I tried to OD on various household drugs, but really didn't know what I was doing so of course I'm alive today. Anyway, once I started to [I]feel[/I] things again, feel anything besides sadness, these phrases were great! To feel loved, to feel like having a plan even for a few hours, to feel any of those things will make a huge improvement in a suicidal and severely depressed person's life. I think you're saying and thinking these things because you're fulfilling your own prophecies. You're not giving people and activities a chance to affect you. Even if you still feel sad, you might become distracted long enough to improve your mood. Every bit helps I assure you.

I'll add to this list "Stop eating chocolate you fat fuck"

What you like to hear is very individual, not all depressed people are the same. I liked hearing many of the things you guys have listed because they motivated me to take charge of my life and make the changes that has made me feel better about life. I don't think you should tell other people what to not say aside from the obvious "kill yourself" stuff.

"If you are sad... Don't be sad." :V