The Super Friendly Social and Love Advice Thread v3 - February
10,002 replies, posted
Yeah, I can see what you guys mean. I see how it wouldn't mean much my way but it's hard to transfer it onto someone else because I'm just so bad at understanding people and what they want and I always forget about what I want. Once again, I'm not telling you the entire story because there's a lot more to it than that , so don't be too quick on judging. But I wasn't trying to get the attention, simply responding to Reptar, so please move on .
[QUOTE=Moonsorrow;36261490]Yeah, I can see what you guys mean. I see how it wouldn't mean much my way but it's hard to transfer it onto someone else because I'm just so bad at understanding people and what they want and I always forget about what I want. Once again, I'm not telling you the entire story because there's a lot more to it than that , so don't be too quick on judging. But I wasn't trying to get the attention, simply responding to Reptar, so please move on .[/QUOTE]
I mean no one here can truly understand all the things going on in your life and relationships to give you the awesome advice you are probably looking for, so don't expect too much from these threads.
And if you do get advice, please please please take everything you hear with a grain of salt. If I even shared a bit about my current relationship, I'm pretty sure 95% of people here would tell me to pull the fuck out but sometimes, especially when it comes to love, pragmatic and well-intentioned advice sometimes isn't the thing you need to be happy.
yes, it's much better to sugar coat it all and tell people only what they want to hear rather than subject them to the "harsh" realities of life, love and all manner of relationships...
[QUOTE=Autumn;36262726]yes, it's much better to sugar coat it all and tell people only what they want to hear rather than subject them to the "harsh" realities of life, love and all manner of relationships...[/QUOTE]
No, because every situation is different, and you cannot objectively be aware of everything that's part of them. Saying something that the person really doesn't want to hear is going to make it all worse if it's not appropriate to their problem.
Example (completely making this up right now) Guy number 1 : "My girlfriend cheated on me with another guy "
Untold : She has self trust issues because she was raped when she was 5 and she now considers herself a living sextoy (I know someone who has this problem IRL, and it's no laughing matter, trust me)
Guy number 2 : Dude, she's a selfish bitch, dump her.
See where this is wrong?
Same logic still applies, you aren't going to be able to have a meaningful relationship with the girl because she has trust issues and won't trust you.
Relationships need 2 people to work you know, if one person has a problem a lot of the time the other person can't deal with being their helper, especially if someone has issues like that which could require therapy.
[QUOTE=Lukeo;36262913]Same logic still applies, you aren't going to be able to have a meaningful relationship with the girl because she has trust issues and won't trust you.
Relationships need 2 people to work you know, if one person has a problem a lot of the time the other person can't deal with being their helper, especially if someone has issues like that which could require therapy.[/QUOTE]
I don't personally see how outside help can happen in a relationship, aside from therapies that each member of the couple follow separately, but I've never seen something good coming out of advice given out by other people that take the two persons in account . That's only personal experience, though.
Besides, people tend to do the exact contrary of what you tell them :p
Personal issues are like #1 reason why so many teenager couples break up so fast , and it feels like our generation is much more fucked up than those of the past. I might be exaggerating or unaware of a bunch of things, but it seems to me that suicide and suicidal behaviours are getting really common among teens these days.
Well most of the time you can't take both people into account as you don't hear both sides of the story.
I'm not saying people should get therapy to help with their relationship, but to help them come over issues like the ones you stated to have successful relationships. If I started dating a girl and she started being really paranoid and not trusting I'd bail, I'm not a professional therapist and if I can't help her with her problems.
[QUOTE=Moonsorrow;36262972]Personal issues are like #1 reason why so many teenager couples break up so fast , and it feels like our generation is much more fucked up than those of the past. I might be exaggerating or unaware of a bunch of things, but it seems to me that suicide and suicidal behaviours are getting really common among teens these days.[/QUOTE]
i think that's specifically an age thing, as opposed to something specific to your generation. teenagers have always been known for being the moody ones, less able to control their emotions than those older (and younger, to an extent, but that's different again).
"getting really common" - compared to what? you wouldn't know what suicidal behaviours among teenagers was 10 years ago because you weren't one, you were too young to know about it. teenagers are always going to have problems, of all varying severities, but i'm pretty sure you'll find that your generation is no different to any other.
and on a (sort of) sidenote, when i was a teenager somehow it was considered 'cool' and... edgy/different to have "personal issues" - how backwards is that?? and is it the same globally?
so i knew a fair few people who would really milk what troubles they did have to get attention from others, which is something i still see in people my age now but it's to a much lesser extent.
yeah, some people do have bad upbringings, horrible childhoods and abusive parents, and that is sad, especially if it continues to affect their lives as they grow older; but i've always found that a lot of teenagers who claim to have all manner of 'personal problems' are either making massive exaggerations on small things that happened to them, or they're outright lying. but this is all just based on my personal experience with my friends/acquaintances at school when i was a teenager. maybe it's not true for the majority, and maybe i just knew a bunch of silverspoon assholes, but most of us were lucky enough to have had a decent enough upbringing that wasn't worth complaining about, and yet some people made out like they were having the worst time imaginable. girls were particularly bad at this, plenty of stories of rape, pregnancies, miscarriages and abortions that turned out to be complete fabrications.
but back to what i first said, honestly i don't think it's just your generation, it's just what being a teenager is about.
the reason teenage relationships don't work a lot of the time is because of hormones really, one moment you might think you're in love with 'the one', the next you just find him/her mildly annoying.
[QUOTE=CheeserCrice;36263415]the reason teenage relationships don't work a lot of the time is because of hormones really, one moment you might think you're in love with 'the one', the next you just find him/her mildly annoying.[/QUOTE]
I think maturity gaps between each teenager too. I mean, they say girls mature quicker than boys, which could be why a lot of guys I know just seem to get bored after a while with their girlfriends whilst the girls seem to be like wanting long term relationships that are stable and a bit more serious. And some teenagers have no expierience with sex and relationships by say the age of 16, whilst some may have had several expieriences.
[QUOTE=Autumn;36263316]i think that's specifically an age thing, as opposed to something specific to your generation. teenagers have always been known for being the moody ones, less able to control their emotions than those older (and younger, to an extent, but that's different again).
"getting really common" - compared to what? you wouldn't know what suicidal behaviours among teenagers was 10 years ago because you weren't one, you were too young to know about it. teenagers are always going to have problems, of all varying severities, but i'm pretty sure you'll find that your generation is no different to any other.
and on a (sort of) sidenote, when i was a teenager somehow it was considered 'cool' and... edgy/different to have "personal issues" - how backwards is that?? and is it the same globally?
so i knew a fair few people who would really milk what troubles they did have to get attention from others, which is something i still see in people my age now but it's to a much lesser extent.
yeah, some people do have bad upbringings, horrible childhoods and abusive parents, and that is sad, especially if it continues to affect their lives as they grow older; but i've always found that a lot of teenagers who claim to have all manner of 'personal problems' are either making massive exaggerations on small things that happened to them, or they're outright lying. but this is all just based on my personal experience with my friends/acquaintances at school when i was a teenager. maybe it's not true for the majority, and maybe i just knew a bunch of silverspoon assholes, but most of us were lucky enough to have had a decent enough upbringing that wasn't worth complaining about, and yet some people made out like they were having the worst time imaginable. girls were particularly bad at this, plenty of stories of rape, pregnancies, miscarriages and abortions that turned out to be complete fabrications.
but back to what i first said, honestly i don't think it's just your generation, it's just what being a teenager is about.[/QUOTE]
Well , I was kind of referring to history, you know? Depression isn't bound by age anymore nowadays, and people who were rare and considered to be physically insane back in the middle ages are now your average , really. I think all of us here know at least a handful of depressed people around us and that's scary to me (I consider myself depressed as well, and I tend to aggravate it by overthinking too often) Then again i'm not pretending to be right or wrong, I'm just sharing thoughts. It feels like it's all related to the internet.. I read those studies about those people who say they get depressed when they go on facebook because they see signs of happiness from other people and instead of getting them closer to those people, it marginalizes them even on the internet... (Not sure this word works in english, it's a french word for "being cast out of the society")
Heh, I got carried away, as always. Back to the subject, I think teens do indeed aggravate their problems by themselves when they honestly don't know how to get out of them and they don't know how to do other than begging for help and attention. I also think there are more "depressed" teens among those who get a decent / good upbringing and education, but I might think only because those who didn't get such a good education don't show it much. Our education system is so obsolete anyway, it teaches us manners of the last century that have nothing to do with the real world nowadays :v
[QUOTE=Evilan;36219191]I cannot tell if this girl is flirting with me or not. If she is, then she is really bad at it. We share a mutual group of friends and she consistently, without failing, teases the living shit out of me. Like, I could be having a conversation with a couple of my friends away from her and she will say something outrageous about me to shift my attention towards her. She also singles me out for these insults, like my friends might get a couple of insults thrown at them in a single outting, but I get into the triple digits some nights.
When I talk to her one on one though, her whole personality changes. There is little to no teases and she is physically very cold towards me (like resists hugs). She also gets a lot more calm and does not get excited to the point that she seems like she would piss her panties. I don't understand her, maybe I just just accuse her of flirting and she if she fesses up or totally shuts me down. Help me FP, you're not my only hope, but I'm lost.[/QUOTE]
Decided to update this for Social Advice.
While I was out with a couple of my friends and her, she started teasing me again. I said something along the lines of "Careful, or else i might think you are flirting with me." I totally did not see this remark coming namely because it wasn't playful nor was it very intelligent. She was bluntly honest with a "Hah, no." I pushed the issue a little bit with "Is it because my eyes are more beautiful than yours? which she said "You wish (laughs), you're just not my type."
Thus ends that possible misadventure.
[QUOTE=Evilan;36266104]Decided to update this for Social Advice.
While I was out with a couple of my friends and her, she started teasing me again. I said something along the lines of "Careful, or else i might think you are flirting with me." I totally did not see this remark coming namely because it wasn't playful nor was it very intelligent. She was bluntly honest with a "Hah, no." I pushed the issue a little bit with "Is it because my eyes are more beautiful than yours? which she said "You wish (laughs), you're just not my type."
Thus ends that possible misadventure.[/QUOTE]
I can tell you're having a hard time so I'm gonna hop on in and help you out with this one. I have also had this happen to me and all I can really say is that you should just take it in your stride. Seriously, just don't worry about it. A common problem males have is that they always look at potential love interests as superior beings to them. They're not. Same goes with this. Not to mention, do you [I]really[/I] want to be with someone who toys with peoples emotions?
There's plenty of fish in the sea, just keep swimming bro.
first time i've posted here so forgive me if i break a rule or say something silly
i've recently noticed i've lost all my friends, i just finished my first year of college and all my friends from my old school have gone off and started listening to metal and taking drugs which i really don't want to do, on top of that all my college friends are really boring, they're fun to be around but we don;t talk, just act like cocks, then at the end of the day i feel exhausted because we haven't had a conversation or we haven't got anything done, i'm the only one with a job or a hobby so we never do anything i find intresting. it feels shitty when i see everyone on facebook talking about partys and stuff when i'm at home wanting to do something but i have no one to do anything with
[QUOTE=vladnag;36266318]first time i've posted here so forgive me if i break a rule or say something silly
i've recently noticed i've lost all my friends, i just finished my first year of college and all my friends from my old school have gone off and started listening to metal and taking drugs which i really don't want to do, on top of that all my college friends are really boring, they're fun to be around but we don;t talk, just act like cocks, then at the end of the day i feel exhausted because we haven't had a conversation or we haven't got anything done, i'm the only one with a job or a hobby so we never do anything i find intresting. it feels shitty when i see everyone on facebook talking about partys and stuff when i'm at home wanting to do something but i have no one to do anything with[/QUOTE]
That's what happens when you get older, people change and move on. It happened to me right after I left high school. You can find new friends with similar interests to yours or join your old friends at parties. Or do both. I only have a handful of friends from high school still and the rest are ones I have met at my university.
[QUOTE=phobia-_-;36266366]That's what happens when you get older, people change and move on. It happened to me right after I left high school. You can find new friends with similar interests to yours or join your old friends at parties. Or do both. I only have a handful of friends from high school still and the rest are ones I have met at my university.[/QUOTE]
well i used to party with my friends alot, but most of them are douches now, and meeting people is hard becasue i'm in a set class with the same people every day, and i'm pretty shy around humans
[QUOTE=vladnag;36266373]well i used to party with my friends alot, but most of them are douches now, and meeting people is hard becasue i'm in a set class with the same people every day, and i'm pretty [B]shy around humans[/B][/QUOTE]
Well then don't be! People don't bite, talk to the ones you haven't yet.
[QUOTE=ShadowSocks8;36266389]Well then don't be! People don't bite, talk to the ones you haven't yet.[/QUOTE]
alrighty, i'll try but it's approaching people i find difficult, i also end up over evaluating everything i do after they've gone, i stopped talking to a girl i was seeing because i took her to Nandos then learned she was vegetarian, she didn't mind but i felt so stupid i just pretended i was busy with college and didn't talk to her
but i'll try join some clubs or something over summer, that should help
[QUOTE=vladnag;36266373]well i used to party with my friends alot, but most of them are douches now, and meeting people is hard becasue i'm in a set class with the same people every day, and i'm pretty shy around humans[/QUOTE]
Hang with more uh... humans. The more you put yourself out there and the more mistakes you make, the easier it'll be to talk and make LESS mistakes. Seriously. It's only as big a deal as you make it out to be.
[QUOTE=vladnag;36266414]alrighty, i'll try but it's approaching people i find difficult, i also end up over evaluating everything i do after they've gone, i stopped talking to a girl i was seeing because i took her to Nandos then learned she was vegetarian, she didn't mind but i felt so stupid i just pretended i was busy with college and didn't talk to her
but i'll try join some clubs or something over summer, that should help[/QUOTE]
I always make small talk with whoever I sit next to in my classes so I wont be alone in the class and it helps because you never know when you'll need help with something in your classes.
What also helped me is that there is a student center in my university where I would go a hangout with various people. There are always a lot of regulars and I got to know and now I hang out with them regularly. Looking for a club to join is also a good idea.
Also I didn't see the problem in not knowing the girl you were seeing was a vegetarian and why you stopped seeing her.
[QUOTE=ShadowSocks8;36266299]I can tell you're having a hard time so I'm gonna hop on in and help you out with this one. I have also had this happen to me and all I can really say is that you should just take it in your stride. Seriously, just don't worry about it. A common problem males have is that they always look at potential love interests as superior beings to them. They're not. Same goes with this. Not to mention, do you [I]really[/I] want to be with someone who toys with peoples emotions?
There's plenty of fish in the sea, just keep swimming bro.[/QUOTE]
I'm fine actually, she would have been the 6th girl I would have been in a relationship with. I was just confused about the vibes she was sending out, but clearly they aren't those of attraction.
[QUOTE=vladnag;36266318]first time i've posted here so forgive me if i break a rule or say something silly
i've recently noticed i've lost all my friends, i just finished my first year of college and all my friends from my old school have gone off and [b]started listening to metal[/b] and taking drugs which i really don't want to do, on top of that all my college friends are really boring, they're fun to be around but we don;t talk, just act like cocks, then at the end of the day i feel exhausted because we haven't had a conversation or we haven't got anything done, i'm the only one with a job or a hobby so we never do anything i find intresting. it feels shitty when i see everyone on facebook talking about partys and stuff when i'm at home wanting to do something but i have no one to do anything with[/QUOTE]
I know this is completely off-topic to your dilemma, but I'm just wondering, was they any reason at all for mentioning this?
Call me paranoid with a minor persecution complex, but it really bothers me when people seem to imply that listening to metal has some inherently negative connotations.
I can understand you being upset that they're doing drugs, since that's not my thing either, but why does the music they listen to bother you?
To sort of address your problem, I'm more or less in the same boat as you. All my friends have splintered off, either going to work out of town or moving off to college. It's really different when over the span of just a few months, you go from having five-person LAN parties every weekend to being the only person in your house (sans parents) for months at a time.
I haven't really let it bother me, though, because I'll be moving off to uni come the upcoming fall. It'll be a new start, and to be honest, I'm kind of glad for it - between losing all my friends, and every woman I've had interest in this little backwater town I call home already being in relationships, I'm ready for a change of scenery.
I have optimistic feelings for the year to come.
[QUOTE=Evilan;36266104]Decided to update this for Social Advice.
While I was out with a couple of my friends and her, she started teasing me again. I said something along the lines of "Careful, or else i might think you are flirting with me." I totally did not see this remark coming namely because it wasn't playful nor was it very intelligent. She was bluntly honest with a "Hah, no." I pushed the issue a little bit with "Is it because my eyes are more beautiful than yours? which she said "You wish (laughs), you're just not my type."
Thus ends that possible misadventure.[/QUOTE]
Classic move. She's into you.
metal is the devil's music
[QUOTE=vladnag;36266318]first time i've posted here so forgive me if i break a rule or say something silly
i've recently noticed i've lost all my friends, i just finished my first year of college and all my friends from my old school have gone off and started listening to metal and taking drugs which i really don't want to do, on top of that all my college friends are really boring, they're fun to be around but we don;t talk, just act like cocks, then at the end of the day i feel exhausted because we haven't had a conversation or we haven't got anything done, i'm the only one with a job or a hobby so we never do anything i find intresting. it feels shitty when i see everyone on facebook talking about partys and stuff when i'm at home wanting to do something but i have no one to do anything with[/QUOTE]
Hi.
I've been in that situation more than once and that's a phase. And I find it great that you're not being influenced by those Metal pricks. That's just your personality. And believe me, you probably go out as much as people who post tons of photos of having fun on facebook.
Most of those people look all social and shit but they just go out like 2/3 times a month and take shitloads of photos while they're at it.
In my case, I go out a lot to concerts and pubs and I have very few photos of that on my facebook, except the ones people inevitably take of me.
First years in college are dull. People that didn't have the opportunity to change in high school, tend to change and explore themselves in college, and that's what's happening with most of your friends.
In my case I have lots of friends too that I used to go out a lot with and they just vanished. Don't even answer the phone.
Your "problem" is that you managed to organize and define your way earlier than them. As you said, you already have a job, hobbies, you don't feel like changing much and you've settled with who you are. That's ok. I've been there and I know how frustrating it is to see your friends not caring about you while engaging head on in their brand new phases and friend circles in need for acceptance.
It's even worse when it involves drugs. I've been in that phase too, during high school and my first year of college. All I cared about was Heavy Metal sex and being influenced by girls and "cool metal dudes" into drugs. It was a phase for me and I soon realized they were never my friends and at the end I was all alone, yet I'm still and forever will be a great Metal Fan and a concert goer!
Anyway. You need to find people like you. Don't search for them on facebook because on facebook everybody looks the same: boring.
Keep an eye out in your college for new people, specially girls. Try to find a group of girls that tend to do stuff instead of posting about it on facebook. They usually know a lot of nice people you can meet too.
I've been in college for 3 years and that sex, drugs & rock n Roll costed me a year so as my friends passed on I stayed behind. Now after this time I've been changing my atitude and started to talk a lot more with people and I started to receive lots of invitations to parties and to go outs. If it worked this way with me, surely can work with you.
My girlfriend just broke up with me, saying she felt confused (about relationships, not her sexuality) and awkward and that she wasn't sure of how she thought of me.
Is there any chance of us being together again?
Don't see why'd you want to, move on.
There's a chance I guess but it won't be the same.
[QUOTE=LightOfDarkness;36277948]My girlfriend just broke up with me, saying she felt confused (about relationships, not her sexuality) and awkward and that she wasn't sure of how she thought of me.
Is there any chance of us being together again?[/QUOTE]
Yes there is always a chance. Even if it's little.
Is it worth your while?
I mean, she just broke up with you. It's not fair for her for you to try anything right now, don't you think?
Give it some time untill the dust settles down, some weeks, a month... as long as it takes. If she doesn't say anything to you give her a call, ask her out for casual coffee or something.
Either way, if she doesn't come searching for you, that will probably mean she's not interested in you.
I think knowing that it's the toughest part. People usually prefer to throw every card on the table than waiting.
Just take some time for yourself until you feel good being alone. After that it's worth a shot trying anything. Otherwise you'll just make a fool out of yourself.
[QUOTE=HellSoldier;36255744]Hey, just wondering if you guys could share some thoughts on my experience at my high school prom tonight:
I met a girl at my friends party one day: we had a small chat, grabbed me by the hand, took me into a room where we could be alone and we talked for a few hours. We had a great connection but I doubt you need to know the details as to how. By the end of the night I let her go and saw her at school every now and again.
We talked on and off for a few months until a few weeks before prom, I asked her to prom and she said "Oh, sure!" Then, I kept talking to her for a few days until the week before prom, the past Saturday (the 2nd), where I arranged for us to have a date. Though, as a trend we'll soon see, I started all of our conversations together.
Within that entire period we texted each other whenever we didn't see one another and she gave me some positive feedback and I thought that it was all well.
I went with her to grab some ice cream, we talked and had lots of fun. I made jokes and she laughed, she gave me a stimulating conversation (you thought you were about to read something else, didn't you?), and we parted our way from there until almost a week later at my high school prom.
I met with her at her house, took her to the pre-party, we went together to the prom, but all didn't seem right. After we got to the prom, I figured it was as good as time as any to go further with the feelings [I]she already knew[/I] I had for her and dance with her, talk to her some more, and all the other stuff, but she seemed different. She was less talkative, didn't start a single line of conversation with me herself, definitely didn't laugh as often, and made every effort she could to avoid me. As soon as our group finished eating our dinner, I danced with her for a solid five minutes until she left and was practically never seen for the entire night until it was over. She gave me a crappy excuse but I know it was a lie, whatever. We head to a friends house and I talk to her for a few minutes before she walks in and I get picked up. I ask her if anything as the matter, if she had fun, why she was gone for so long, etc. and she tells me that she had fun, everything was fine, and use the same lie she had last time as to why she was gone. We parted ways again but this time it felt cold and unlikeable.
Now, just a while after the end of the night, she sends me a text saying she had a great time and lots of fun. Now, I'm just confused and frustrated.
Personally, I thought when we went on the date that all was going well, I don't see any reason why it wouldn't have been. Then, all of a sudden, it was completely different tonight. I was seriously considering continuing my relationship with her but now I have no clue [I]whatsoever[/I]. If anyone could give their impression of the situation, helpful advice, or anything really, it would be appreciated. If you need any more details feel free to ask. Thanks.[/QUOTE]
Just following up on my previous post here:
After consulting several friends of mine and hers as well as consulting the information from this thread I decided to ask her out on Sunday (today) for another date. I sent out a text and received this in reply about eight hours later: "Hey! I'm actually going to my friends cottage tomorrow night, not sure when I'm coming back to the city but I'll text you when I get home" So, what do you guys think of that? Personally, I think that the indefinite time away from the city is a giveaway that she doesn't want to go on another date. Either way, I'm sure some of you might think otherwise.
On that note, I haven't responded to it yet but I'll probably do it sometime tomorrow. Any suggestions?
[QUOTE=HellSoldier;36279565]Just following up on my previous post here:
After consulting several friends of mine and hers as well as consulting the information from this thread I decided to ask her out on Sunday (today) for another date. I sent out a text and received this in reply about eight hours later: "Hey! I'm actually going to my friends cottage tomorrow night, not sure when I'm coming back to the city but I'll text you when I get home" So, what do you guys think of that? Personally, I think that the indefinite time away from the city is a giveaway that she doesn't want to go on another date. Either way, I'm sure some of you might think otherwise.
On that note, I haven't responded to it yet but I'll probably do it sometime tomorrow. Any suggestions?[/QUOTE]
Well, just don't get too into her face. I know you're tempted to overthink this and try and fix whatever is wrong, but you need to just sit back and let things take their course. She might've been unsure in her feelings about you, or maybe she was shy about being with you in front of her friends. She said she had a great time, so show that you trust her enough to take that at face value.
As for what you just said, I think that's an indicator she might not be as interested. See if she texts you when she gets back, ask her about how the cottage was, etc etc. But she at least wants to keep a positive relationship with you, which is good, because you probably will get another chance to go out with her. Just wait and see. Be patient, and do stuff to keep your mind off it. That, and so when she gets back it doesn't seem like you were waiting for her to get back, so that it seemed like you were actually doing something.
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