The Super Friendly Social and Love Advice Thread v3 - February
10,002 replies, posted
There's this girl in my class that I like a lot. I have texted her if she'd like to take a coffee with me (sort of - it's the equivalent of going to a coffee house and just hang out, basically) with me, but it never worked out. She was either busy or out of the country. She also said she would like to later, when she has time
And now when school has started as of late, it [I]seems[/I] that she is [I] a bit[/I] into me.
The thing is, and the reason for using italics, is that I'm really, really bad at reading signals... I'm not sure if she would like me as a boyfriend or whatever...
Fuck, I should just ask her out... But I don't really have the courage to do it. Really when I think about it I just consider myself pathetic. I make up excuses all the time...
I'm just shy, I don't know. Help?
Yeah, Mooe. The only difference between you and me is that I can sense the signals and all, but I just can't do it for some reason. It really sucks to be shy and don't have a wide range of social skills.
[QUOTE=Mooe94;37683605]-snip-[/QUOTE]
1. Read up on some body language, even the basics can help.
A simple google search for "attraction signals" got me this: [url]http://www.wordofmouthexperiment.com/articles/flirting-dating/top-ten-signs-woman-attracted-you[/url]
Although I recommend a book such as:
"Body Language: It's What You Don't Say That Matters" This is more business related but helps in lots of different situations and teaches some NLP
"Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship" I haven't read this but it directly relates to what you want.
Body language makes up a large amount of communication, I have no idea how much since I've read 60% in some places and 90% in others, I guess it varies from person to person. So I've no idea why it's so overlooked.
2. You're not pathetic. Think of it like this, back when we were all in tribes, a man was afraid to approach a woman because in those times where everything was so basic there were only so many women in the village, if something went wrong with one woman the rest would know about since it'd contain around 30 - 100 people. This fear is innate and natural, you just have to find a way to over come it, so when you think what if she says no? Well the answer to that would be a simple okay on your part and then continue as normal, don't ask why, don't look unhappy about it, just accept it because there's not much else you can do except wait for the chance you'll get in the future, if you react well there will most likely be a chance in the future. That doesn't matter though, what if she says yes? Then you have a date and you can feel good about yourself, if you're going off your instincts you're probably right.
3. Work on the shyness, you'll have to work out why this is happening since this is caused by multiple different things. I can't help you much there but a Google search or a book could, here is a book that worked for me.
[url]http://www.amazon.co.uk/Instant-Confidence-Book-Paul-McKenna/dp/0593055357/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347769934&sr=8-1[/url]
I hoped I helped you.
[QUOTE=Anthrax713;37683844]1. Read up on some body language, even the basics can help.
A simple google search for "attraction signals" got me this: [url]http://www.wordofmouthexperiment.com/articles/flirting-dating/top-ten-signs-woman-attracted-you[/url]
Although I recommend a book such as:
"Body Language: It's What You Don't Say That Matters" This is more business related but helps in lots of different situations and teaches some NLP
"Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship" I haven't read this but it directly relates to what you want.
Body language makes up a large amount of communication, I have no idea how much since I've read 60% in some places and 90% in others, I guess it varies from person to person. So I've no idea why it's so overlooked.
2. You're not pathetic. Think of it like this, back when we were all in tribes, a man was afraid to approach a woman because in those times where everything was so basic there were only so many women in the village, if something went wrong with one woman the rest would know about since it'd contain around 30 - 100 people. This fear is innate and natural, you just have to find a way to over come it, so when you think what if she says no? Well the answer to that would be a simple okay on your part and then continue as normal, don't ask why, don't look unhappy about it, just accept it because there's not much else you can do except wait for the chance you'll get in the future, if you react well there will most likely be a chance in the future. That doesn't matter though, what if she says yes? Then you have a date and you can feel good about yourself, if you're going off your instincts you're probably right.
3. Work on the shyness, you'll have to work out why this is happening since this is caused by multiple different things. I can't help you much there but a Google search or a book could, here is a book that worked for me.
[url]http://www.amazon.co.uk/Instant-Confidence-Book-Paul-McKenna/dp/0593055357/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347769934&sr=8-1[/url]
I hoped I helped you.[/QUOTE]
I understand that a simple no is a no big deal but it's the first step that's hard. I've never ever in my life really taken that step to making a close relationship with someone and after 18 years I've almost 'grown into it', you know? Like it's a part of my 'true' personality, or something.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
I can be so sure about taking certain important steps in my life and really DO IT, but when it comes to something like this I get really insecure.
It might be because I really, really like this girl. Not to seem dramatic or something, but I get so warm inside with the thought of her being with me.
I think I love her and I don't want to take the wrong steps. I don't think I'm particularly [I]sexually [/I]attracted to her. But because of her personality and everything else she just seems like a perfect person to me.
[QUOTE=Mooe94;37683881]I understand that a simple no is a no big deal but it's the first step that's hard. I've never ever in my life really taken that step to making a close relationship with someone and after 18 years I've almost 'grown into it', you know? Like it's a part of my 'true' personality, or something.[/QUOTE]
If everybody thought like this then nobody would ever ask anybody out. You can change your personality, nobodies personality is set in stone.
All I can suggest for this, is every time you feel confident or happy or any other desirable emotions. You put your finger and thumb together, creating an anchor. Then listen to some music that gets you pumped, have a couple of drinks (not too many,) fire off your anchor by touching your finger and thumb together and then make yourself ask her. If you read the book in my third point it will give you a much stronger version of this.
If by the first step you mean actually leading in to the relationship after asking her out, there isn't really much advice I can offer, chemistry and attraction should do this for you, if she's agreed to a date because she's attracted to you then just being yourself on the date should keep bringing you forwards.
Yeah, exactly. I do personally believe that an individual change their personalities from time to time and that certain circumstances in society/life have formed how you think and how you act.
But still; I cling to the idea that you have destined personality. And at the same time I think that that is a social construction that you are somehow completely individual, unique and that you should devote yourself to that certain personality/look.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I totally get what you mean :P I just need to break free of social expectancy and peer pressure really. It seems that everybody think of me as a shy and insecure guy and therefore I cling to that..-
Well the only girl on my floor who isn't into the asshole doesn't like me. But can I really blame her if I'm such a depressing person.
[QUOTE=areolop;37683617]I hate that, especially when it comes down to "You either got to pick me, or him"[/QUOTE]
Well I've told them both that I'm not going to have both of them around me at the same time. It's just annoying how the my friend is the one who's more dickish, but the girl is just reacting most of the time and defending herself.
[QUOTE=Mooe94;37684080]Yeah, exactly. I do personally believe that an individual change their personalities from time to time and that certain circumstances in society/life have formed how you think and how you act.
But still; I cling to the idea that you have destined personality. But I still think that that is a social construction that you are somehow completely individual, unique and that you should devote yourself to that certain personality/look.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I totally get what you mean :P[/QUOTE]
I think I get what you mean, I think you're saying that people should stick with a certain personality without changing it themselves. If I'm wrong then I'm sorry. I misinterpreted what you meant. Anyway onwards and upwards. The environment changes people all the time, psychologists change people all the time, drugs change people all the time. If you can change yourself for the better, why not? I understand that you may like to be different and unique, but to cling to ideas and things that stop you from progressing in life is comparable to writing a program and never updating it or fixing bugs.
You can still be unique, individual and congruent, just in a stronger, positive way. You can devote yourself to a certain personality and look in a better and even more individual/unique way.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37684086]Well the only girl on my floor who isn't into the asshole doesn't like me. But can I really blame her if I'm such a depressing person.[/QUOTE]
Then be less of a depressing person. Instead of moping around in self hatred and feeling sorry for yourself help yourself and find a way to be a happier person who brings happiness to others. There's advice and happiness everywhere you just gotta find it.
[QUOTE=Anthrax713;37684251]
Then be less of a depressing person. Instead of moping around in self hatred and feeling sorry for yourself help yourself and find a way to be a happier person who brings happiness to others. There's advice and happiness everywhere you just gotta find it.[/QUOTE]
I can't just change the way I've acted for the past 5 years and retrain myself to look for the good in everything instead of the bad overnight. If it was that easy I wouldn't have these problems.
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37684312]I can't just change the way I've acted for the past 5 years and retrain myself to look for the good in everything instead of the bad overnight. If it was that easy I wouldn't have these problems.[/QUOTE]
I never said it was gonna be easy, it's gonna take hard work on your part but if you really want it, you can do it. Just change the direction of that energy and you're already well on your way.
Well I'm going to need to figure out how to be less depressing soon because on Monday I really want to try to talk to a girl in one of my classes, if she actually shows up that is because she hasn't for the past couple days.
why are you depressed?
[QUOTE=Mooe94;37684409]why are you depressed?[/QUOTE]
because I'm lonely and too many people piss me off. And I'm not sure if I'd actually call it depression, just general sadness.
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37684387]Well I'm going to need to figure out how to be less depressing soon because on Monday I really want to try to talk to a girl in one of my classes, if she actually shows up that is because she hasn't for the past couple days.[/QUOTE]
1. Fake a smile, start right now, look in the mirror and practice, even pretending to smile is proven to change the way you feel.
2. After practicing your smile, while keeping it on your face start to read articles/ebooks on how to feel happier.
3. I can't stress how important enough it is to look for things that show you're happy, if the way another person acts annoys you then you have to think of a reason why, perhaps they're angry, sad or are insecure. For example she might not have shown up for class because she's busy, stressed, ill and the list goes on.
4. Get plenty of sleep, nutrition and water.
5. Never compare yourself to others. EG the guys that other girls are dating etc. If they want to date him that's fine, everybody has free choice.
Most importantly though, start to look for solutions yourself, remember you're gonna have to work hard but you can do it.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
Start with a google search of tips for improving happiness, and if you really want go out to a pharmacy and buy some 5htp (look this up first.)
Just got into a massive argument with my super-Christian roommate about prostitution, gay marriage and the issue of choice and morality in the United States.
I fucking hate having arguments like this because we always get into a screaming match with him sounding like a gigantic, cross-swinging, God-fearing maniac and me sounding like some wacko liberal anarchist. Fuck.
[QUOTE=ewitwins;37684789]Just got into a massive argument with my super-Christian roommate about prostitution, gay marriage and the issue of choice and morality in the United States.
I fucking hate having arguments like this because we always get into a screaming match with him sounding like a gigantic, cross-swinging, God-fearing maniac and me sounding like some wacko liberal anarchist. Fuck.[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of the situation my former roommate and I were in. He had this irrational hatred of stoners. They never did anything to make him hate them, but he just hated everything about them. This was made worse because he had a circle of friends who were of similar belief to this and always brought it up when they saw someone smoking.
Anyways, enough backstory, on to the juicy bit. My roommate and I got into an argument about stoners one day when we were playing CoD in our room because the guy who shot him had a gamertag that referenced marijuana. I was trying to talk him down saying things like "not all stoners are assholes," "stoners are not complete idiots," etc etc. He got mad because he thought I was defending them because a lot of my close friends were/still are stoners. What I was trying to do was talk him down, but he flipped and left the room slamming the door shut behind him. Next thing I knew he was going down to one of my buddies rooms and talking shit about me and how I was comparable to a stoner.
*Sigh* Anyhow, to spare a lot of the dramatic b.s. and personal bitchy exchanges that occurred afterwards, I moved back in with my parents since who lived nearby campus and left with a grandiose "fuck you" as I took my electronics (which was basically his life-force when it wasn't Friday or Saturday with me) back home.
[QUOTE=ewitwins;37684789]Just got into a massive argument with my super-Christian roommate about prostitution, gay marriage and the issue of choice and morality in the United States.
I fucking hate having arguments like this because we always get into a screaming match with him sounding like a gigantic, cross-swinging, God-fearing maniac and me sounding like some wacko liberal anarchist. Fuck.[/QUOTE]
Sounds like an incredibly good waste of your time.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37684428]because I'm lonely and too many people piss me off. And I'm not sure if I'd actually call it depression, just general sadness.[/QUOTE]
What are you doing about it, other than just being sad and pissed off because of this and that reasons?
ugh I hate my life
everytime I try and go for a girl, there is SOMETHING preventing me from doing so.
this time she already has a boyfriend, albeit in a not too well status.. fuck. should I still ask her out?
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37684086]Well the only girl on my floor who isn't into the asshole doesn't like me. But can I really blame her if I'm such a depressing person.[/QUOTE]
This seems unlikely to me, how many girls live on your floor? Have you considered the just like hanging out with him as a friend because maybe he is amusing. The only relationships between men and women don't have to be more than friends.
Your also making a major assumption with that.
And you've identified your problem, so fix it!
[QUOTE=redBadger;37686788]ugh I hate my life
everytime I try and go for a girl, there is SOMETHING preventing me from doing so.
this time she already has a boyfriend, albeit in a not too well status.. fuck. should I still ask her out?[/QUOTE]
if it's bluntly asking her out, then no, especially not for girls with boyfriends.
[QUOTE=Rhenae;37687195]This seems unlikely to me, how many girls live on your floor? Have you considered the just like hanging out with him as a friend because maybe he is amusing. The only relationships between men and women don't have to be more than friends.
Your also making a major assumption with that.
And you've identified your problem, so fix it![/QUOTE]
Well if they think dumbasses are entertaining, they're clearly not my type then.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
Also my "friends" are all going to a movie today but I wasn't invited. Fuck those guys.
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37687498]Well if they think dumbasses are entertaining, they're clearly not my type then.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
Also my "friends" are all going to a movie today but I wasn't invited. Fuck those guys.[/QUOTE]
Well someone who is willing to talk to them and crack a joke is certainly more entertaining than a complainer. Friends or otherwise. You don't seem to be very good at looking at how you interact with others from an outside perspective.
[QUOTE=Seith;37687350]if it's bluntly asking her out, then no, especially not for girls with boyfriends.[/QUOTE]
define bluntly
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37687498]Well if they think dumbasses are entertaining, they're clearly not my type then.
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
Also my "friends" are all going to a movie today but I wasn't invited. Fuck those guys.[/QUOTE]
Look man, you're sitting there, wallowing in your self pity and depressed and angry, waiting for someone to be friendly and 'get you out' of your state. Unless you live next to Doctor Phil or somebody like that, that's not going to happen. Don't look to your neighbors and acquaintances for help, they probably have more than enough going on in their life without trying to 'fix' you. Instead, look at yourself in the mirror. A lack of self-confidence typically stems from an insecurity, target those insecurities and build yourself up. For me, five years ago or so, it was my incredibly fat body, long greasy emo hair, bad skin, and a lack of cleanliness. I'm not going to sit here and try to tell you what to do, because it doesn't work that way. I've been working out and exercising almost every day since then, and the old me is nearly unrecognizable, and the best thing about it? People recognize it. I overcame my problems on my own, you can too. Simply put, nobody is going to help you out of your rut - Pull yourself out.
I know what my insecurity is. I have this fucking shit
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Becker%27s_muscular_dystrophy[/url]
I have a fairly mild case of it thankfully, but it's bad enough to make me feel different. I know on the outside there's no way to tell there's anything wrong with me but it still just makes me feel awful.
I wasn't planning on bringing this up because everyone would probably think I'm just fishing for sympathy, but we might as well get to the root cause of all my issues.
Is that an actual diagnosis or is it on of those webMD diagnosis'? I don't mean to offend there, just I've seen a lot of people that complain they have some sort of disability and use that as an excuse.
Regardless, I know a kid at my college who is about three feet tall, has a deformed skeletal structure, and has had to use a motorized wheelchair for his whole life. He has friends, too, quite a few of them actually. If he can do it, you certainly can too. Embrace yourself and/or stop thinking about BMD. It doesn't actually affect your social ability or how people see you, it's you thinking that it does that is undermining your effort.
[QUOTE=ramirez!;37688920]Is that an actual diagnosis or is it on of those webMD diagnosis'? I don't mean to offend there, just I've seen a lot of people that complain they have some sort of disability and use that as an excuse.
Regardless, I know a kid at my college who is about three feet tall, has a deformed skeletal structure, and has had to use a motorized wheelchair for his whole life. He has friends, too, quite a few of them actually. If he can do it, you certainly can too. Embrace yourself and/or stop thinking about BMD. It doesn't actually affect your social ability or how people see you, it's you thinking that it does that is undermining your effort.[/QUOTE]
It is a legitimate diagnosis. I have to go see neuromuscular specialists every two years. I have no reason to lie about this. And I was 10 years old when I found out I had this and it made me feel like shit back then too even though I had no understanding of what it is and what causes it.
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;37680969]Someone needs to explain why seemingly smart girls are falling for a braindead black guy who does nothing but work out all day. Is it just because he's black and they're being stereotypical "we r all humn bengs and r desrv luv" liberal shit where they conveniently forget about the nerdy white guys?
[editline]15th September 2012[/editline]
Because I think the nerdy white guys are more deserving of love then some straight out of Africa guy who has zero respect for women because of his ass backwards culture he grew up in.[/QUOTE]
[URL]http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml[/URL]
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
moved into students halls this week. with a pretty sound bunch of guys (didn't realise my flat would only be lads)
there's this one guy though who looks about 18 but he's actually 24 and when we go out he properly preys on the naive 18 year-old freshers. last night he was trying it on with this really sweet, very naive, pretty quiet girl who looked way younger than she was. i kinda made it my duty to cockblock him because i just didn't seem right to me. maybe that's kinda a dickmove but i don't think this young girl needs a 24 year old playboy as her freshers regret and she looked very awkward and nervous about the attention. maybe i'm making too many assumptions
[editline]16th September 2012[/editline]
i'm happily in a long-term relationship so this wasn't done for any personal gain
im probably late on this but last night on the way to a bar this huuuge black guy i know started a conversation with me about physics and then george orwell and lots of other nerdy topics and [i]i[/i] was the one who had to tell him to stop talking because it was like midnight on a saturday and i didnt want to nerd out right there
and i'm the one who's studying software engineering, the nerdiest of the subjects
there is no such thing as having "nerdy white guy" define who you are and how you act
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