The Super Friendly Social and Love Advice Thread v3 - February
10,002 replies, posted
Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it.
I have considered the no contact route but it's quite hard to do that. Unfortunately it's not possible to get hours around her shifts nor to quit my current job (although I have recently got a second job which I start in April which should help a bit). The other thing is that if we ever talk via text she is always the one to text me first and I'd feel too rude to not text back. She also relies on me to be the one there for her when she has a panic attack or when she get's herself worked up over something in her life as none of her friends or family are willing to help her with it. Although now the other guy has come along I would assume she would turn to him for help.
I have been doing various things to try and get out of thinking we are better off together. One was getting the second job and trying to get out and do various activities when I have the time, just trying to keep my mind off of her in general. Also I've been telling myself I don't need her as a partner and I try to remember the bad times we had as a couple to try and reinforce the idea.
One massive bonus is that I'm going away to university in September which will hopefully really help with my feelings towards her. But until then I will deal with my feelings for her in an alternative way.
[QUOTE=Boomslang;34849786]Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it.
I have considered the no contact route but it's quite hard to do that. Unfortunately it's not possible to get hours around her shifts nor to quit my current job (although I have recently got a second job which I start in April which should help a bit). The other thing is that if we ever talk via text she is always the one to text me first and I'd feel too rude to not text back. She also relies on me to be the one there for her when she has a panic attack or when she get's herself worked up over something in her life as none of her friends or family are willing to help her with it. Although now the other guy has come along I would assume she would turn to him for help.
I have been doing various things to try and get out of thinking we are better off together. One was getting the second job and trying to get out and do various activities when I have the time, just trying to keep my mind off of her in general. Also I've been telling myself I don't need her as a partner and I try to remember the bad times we had as a couple to try and reinforce the idea.
One massive bonus is that I'm going away to university in September which will hopefully really help with my feelings towards her. But until then I will deal with my feelings for her in an alternative way.[/QUOTE]
Going away to university will definitely take your mind off these things. Try to stick it out until then, it sucks to have to see an ex every day.
[QUOTE=Turnips5;34849902]Going away to university will definitely take your mind off these things. Try to stick it out until then, it sucks to have to see an ex every day.[/QUOTE]
Not really... :)
[QUOTE=Seith;34849935]Not really... :)[/QUOTE]
which statement are you saying "not really" to
[QUOTE=Turnips5;34849948]which statement are you saying "not really" to[/QUOTE]
the second part of your statement.
I should be fine with seeing her whenever I work, because she knows the topic of her new guy is kind of a sensitive one so she doesn't bring it up. We usually just chat as usual and have a laugh. I just know to think it's nothing more than friendly conversation. She was quite happy to hear that I was still happy to speak to her after she told me about this new guy, she had the idea that I would hate her for some reason.
But I just want to say thanks to you all for taking time out to read my story and offer your advice, it has helped me a tremendous amount!
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/FslU3.jpg[/IMG]
My friend got asked out by his friend but he doesnt want a relationship. How should he let her down?
"No."
Or maybe a "Sorry, no."
[QUOTE=socks;34857663][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/FslU3.jpg[/IMG]
My friend got asked out by his friend but he doesnt want a relationship. How should he let her down?[/QUOTE]
Just say "Sorry, I'm not interested you in that way." Simple, gets the point across and puts her in the friend zone.
[QUOTE=Evilan;34858841]Just say "Sorry, I'm not interested you in that way." Simple, gets the point across and puts her in the friend zone.[/QUOTE]
Never say sorry. Just, no.
Why is that, Seith?
because being polite is WEAK
[QUOTE=Dark_Light;34861269]Why is that, Seith?[/QUOTE]
[In his specific situation]
1. Saying "sorry" is insulting. Sorry for what? Why are you sorry? this is an instinctive, under thought, statement. Before I even started with pick-up, it was insulting. I'll give you an example; "Hey, want to go out?" "No, I am sorry, I have a boyfriend". Even though people meant, for the most part, just to be sorry, they also mean inevitably, as if they were higher than you - as if you have no other women in your life, and you were counting on her to say yes. That's assuming you are (the woman) better than him without even knowing him.
2. It shows a lack of confidence. If a man, is someone of worth and confidence, he probably would have had a lot of these encounters before, so, saying "sorry" contradicts those qualities.
In the end, that word just has no purpose in context to his situation. It's a misconception bred by years of people following simplistic brain patterns.
[editline]25th February 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=mike;34861374]because being polite is WEAK[/QUOTE]
It's beyond politeness. This is not being polite.
[QUOTE=Seith;34861385][In his specific situation]
1. Saying "sorry" is insulting. Sorry for what? Why are you sorry? this is an instinctive, under thought, statement. Before I even started with pick-up, it was insulting. I'll give you an example; "Hey, want to go out?" "No, I am sorry, I have a boyfriend". Even though people meant, for the most part, just to be sorry, [B]they also mean inevitably, as if they were higher than you[/B] - as if you have no other women in your life, and you were counting on her to say yes. That's assuming you are (the woman) better than him without even knowing him.[/QUOTE]
seith, that's just not true, and it's a shame if that's how you've interpreted it every time someone has said sorry to you.
Meanwhile in reality, including sorry, especially over text medium, shows a sympathetic element. Forgetting all the overthinking that Seith does, it shows you at least have some consideration for them despite answering negatively.
So bullshit aside, it's a choice between being nice and word efficiency or something.
So the strangest thing happened to me yesterday. Shortly after I finished posting in this thread another girl I know from work starting talking to me on facebook, we talked for ages and she asked me if I'd like to go out with her sometime (I'm guessing as some kind of date since we never mentioned other people coming along) we chatted into the night and when I had to come off of facebook she gave me her mobile number and we carried on texting for a little while, plus we've been speaking today too. Now the thing is I'm worried that it's the wrong thing to do by pursuing a relationship with another girl while still having feelings for my Ex? Plus with university coming up I'm scared that I'll repeat my mistakes of last year, where I took a year off to spend time with my girl friend and we broke up less than a month later. Should I just go with it and see where it goes or stay as friends and wait for university?
[QUOTE=Seith;34861385]It's beyond politeness. This is not being polite.[/QUOTE]
What's wrong with letting someone down softly? It isn't some power game or any other contrived nonsense, it's just being polite and empathetic. I've been turned down by girls and I've had to turn girls down, and I would hate in either situation for it to be as emotionless and blunt as, "No, not interested." The majority of the people in these threads are often the timid, socially inept kind, and the overarching theme is often, "go out there and do it/ask her." Imagine if every time one of these kids managed to work up the courage to ask someone out, they had to receive the unfortunate type of answer and attitude that you're encouraging. Don't you think that's a little misguided?
I also disagree that saying sorry to someone shows a lack of worth or confidence. Apologizing for every single thing you do wrong, sure, that may potentially become a problem, but if you stick yourself up at the other end of the spectrum, really you're just being a self-centered asshole.
Seith, you say a lot of things as if it's the irrefutable truth but you fail to recognize that everyone here is different and we all come from different backgrounds and experiences. Put your opinion forward, sure, you have every right to do that, but seriously start taking a moment to consider the fact that not everything you say is correct in every situation and for every person.
[QUOTE=Boomslang;34861586]So the strangest thing happened to me yesterday. Shortly after I finished posting in this thread another girl I know from work starting talking to me on facebook, we talked for ages and she asked me if I'd like to go out with her sometime (I'm guessing as some kind of date since we never mentioned other people coming along) we chatted into the night and when I had to come off of facebook she gave me her mobile number and we carried on texting for a little while, plus we've been speaking today too. Now the thing is I'm worried that it's the wrong thing to do by pursuing a relationship with another girl while still having feelings for my Ex? Plus with university coming up I'm scared that I'll repeat my mistakes of last year, where I took a year off to spend time with my girl friend and we broke up less than a month later. Should I just go with it and see where it goes or stay as friends and wait for university?[/QUOTE]
As long as your ex isn't on your mind night and day, you'll be fine, don't worry about her. As for University, go to University. You don't have to stay back if you have a girlfriend so make sure you do go and try your best with her regardless.
[QUOTE=Boomslang;34861586]So the strangest thing happened to me yesterday. Shortly after I finished posting in this thread another girl I know from work starting talking to me on facebook, we talked for ages and she asked me if I'd like to go out with her sometime (I'm guessing as some kind of date since we never mentioned other people coming along) we chatted into the night and when I had to come off of facebook she gave me her mobile number and we carried on texting for a little while, plus we've been speaking today too. Now the thing is I'm worried that it's the wrong thing to do by pursuing a relationship with another girl while still having feelings for my Ex? Plus with university coming up I'm scared that I'll repeat my mistakes of last year, where I took a year off to spend time with my girl friend and we broke up less than a month later. Should I just go with it and see where it goes or stay as friends and wait for university?[/QUOTE]
I'd suggest going with it dude. It sounds like you've hit it off well already and it'll definitely help ween you off of your ex, even if it remains as innocent as just someone else to talk to. Don't start asking questions like, "should I do this or that or should I wait for such and such," either, just go with the flow and have fun with it. You really have no idea at this point where it could end up and so it's quite pointless to start considering potential circumstances or consequences. Right now you've just met someone else that you get along with, and I personally don't think there's any harm in having another friend given your current situation.
>Girlfriend breaks up with me.
>Ex gets new boyfriend.
>Ex tries to talk to me for a week, I tell her to fuck off each time because she won't stop.
>Finally decide to see what she wants.
>Tells me I'm better than her current boyfriend.
>Breaks up with him 2 hours into conversation.
silly women
Thanks again for the advice guys. I'll take your advice and see where it goes, as you say it can't really have any negative affects by just talking to more people.
Of course, but inversely there is the problem of growing overly attached to someone else to escape the lingering feelings surrounding your ex. Be cautious with it and don't lose sight of the fact that right now you may not be completely fulfilled and comfortable in yourself, even if it sometimes feels that way, and in the end that should be the priority coming out of a relationship. Hell it's been much longer than 7 months since my ex and I grew apart and not until quite recently have I felt able to say that I'm completely and confidently over it. I think it's quite telling that prior to reaching this mindset I was much more inclined to find another relationship (in the false belief that I was over it and 'ready'), but now I feel content with myself and that I've reached the other side of it all.
As was said though, for you right now she's just another friend, which is great and is sure to help a lot, and it would be senseless to begin considering where it's going to go or what you're going to do if x y or z happens. I'm just saying to make sure you're making decisions that are in your best, long-term interest, and not just bandaids to temporarily make yourself feel better. All the best dude.
Seith should really stop trying to give advice
but how can you ever hope to achieve alpha status if you're apologizing all over the place??
Seith is right, sayonara 'sorry'!
[QUOTE=Autumn;34861479]seith, that's just not true, and it's a shame if that's how you've interpreted it every time someone has said sorry to you.[/QUOTE]
This isn't really a way to express actual emotions. As I have said, people use it even without being sorry. It's a way to feel good about yourself rather than expressing a "sympathetic element".
That word has lost it's power in that context.
[editline]25th February 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=JohnnyMo1;34863538]Seith should really stop trying to give advice[/QUOTE]
A very useful contribution. Please, stop by again.
[editline]25th February 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=Devodiere;34861514]Meanwhile in reality, including sorry, especially over text medium, shows a sympathetic element. Forgetting all the overthinking that Seith does, it shows you at least have some consideration for them despite answering negatively.
So bullshit aside, it's a choice between being nice and word efficiency or something.[/QUOTE]
You are not grasping it. What you said now shows exactly you are not sorry, but following a basic routine of morals society has led you by ("Shows" is a keyword; as in; the world you are trying to [i]show[/i] yourself to as being a good person). It has no meaning, as the person you say it to knows you are not sorry, or don't even care.
It's a way to have a clean conscious, not to show sympathy. Why would I feel bad for turning a person down? I wasn't attracted, why would I be sorry I can't be with him?
[editline]25th February 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=Dark_Light;34861647]What's wrong with letting someone down softly? It isn't some power game or any other contrived nonsense, it's just being polite and empathetic. I've been turned down by girls and I've had to turn girls down, and I would hate in either situation for it to be as emotionless and blunt as, "No, not interested." The majority of the people in these threads are often the timid, socially inept kind, and the overarching theme is often, "go out there and do it/ask her." Imagine if every time one of these kids managed to work up the courage to ask someone out, they had to receive the unfortunate type of answer and attitude that you're encouraging. Don't you think that's a little misguided?
I also disagree that saying sorry to someone shows a lack of worth or confidence. Apologizing for every single thing you do wrong, sure, that may potentially become a problem, but if you stick yourself up at the other end of the spectrum, really you're just being a self-centered asshole.
Seith, you say a lot of things as if it's the irrefutable truth but you fail to recognize that everyone here is different and we all come from different backgrounds and experiences. Put your opinion forward, sure, you have every right to do that, but seriously start taking a moment to consider the fact that not everything you say is correct in every situation and for every person.[/QUOTE]
Being told "I am sorry, no" won't change their level of security, or raise their confidences. To say it's misguided, is misguided by itself. Why would I try and promote such weak reasoning? That's counterproductive for a man to need to be told sorry, as it shows he has yet to acquire what is necessary to be successful in life and with women.
What I say, is the irrefutable truth to me. I am not trying to convince you to do anything. I gave my two reasons as to why one should not say "sorry" in his situation. He asked what he should do, that's what I would do.
I realize it sounded as if saying sorry in every way shows weakness, but that's not what I meant. You can sorry if you really feel that way. But let's be honest for a second, is it really feeling sorry for the person you turned down to, or feeling good about yourself because you now have a clean conscious?
[QUOTE=Seith;34865285]A very useful contribution. Please, stop by again.[/QUOTE]
It's a shame snark isn't an effective substitute for good advice.
Seith sounds like he's trying to imitate dr house
[QUOTE=1chains1;34844947]Even if you're telling the truth (lol), it doesn't even matter because the opinion will not change in the slightest.
- If the story is true then you and your girl friend are dumbasses.
- If the story isnt true youre still a dumbass for trying to troll.
So I could really give less of a shit.[/QUOTE]
Well she cheated on me a couple of months ago and owned up to it. So its kinda like we both are pissed at eachother so we gotta grow, amend, forgive, and forget about it.
[editline]25th February 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=Boomslang;34861586]So the strangest thing happened to me yesterday. Shortly after I finished posting in this thread another girl I know from work starting talking to me on facebook, we talked for ages and she asked me if I'd like to go out with her sometime (I'm guessing as some kind of date since we never mentioned other people coming along) we chatted into the night and when I had to come off of facebook she gave me her mobile number and we carried on texting for a little while, plus we've been speaking today too. Now the thing is I'm worried that it's the wrong thing to do by pursuing a relationship with another girl while still having feelings for my Ex? Plus with university coming up I'm scared that I'll repeat my mistakes of last year, where I took a year off to spend time with my girl friend and we broke up less than a month later. Should I just go with it and see where it goes or stay as friends and wait for university?[/QUOTE]
Don't feel guilty for trying to move on, as far as you know your ex has already hooked up with someone else by know. You haven't been keeping up with her, so go ahead and let those feelings fade regardless. As for the new girl go ahead and go for it. If things don't work out they don't, but you can always look at it as an learning experience. So don't be afraid to make a mistake because no matter what you do there will always be a flaw some where, nobodys perfect ring a bell? Also kill all contact with your ex, unless you want to call her up for some booty. Also this girl probably sees something else in you she hasn't in her previous boyfriends, so don't make yourself into something your not to impress her. You can choose history or move onto the future. But always remember you never know what couldve been. Also with your complication of university, put your school work 1st and your girlfriend 2nd. She will understand, and hey sex is a great stress reliever.
[QUOTE=Seith;34861385]
2. It shows a lack of confidence. If a man, is someone of worth and confidence, he probably would have had a lot of these encounters before, so, saying "sorry" contradicts those qualities. [/QUOTE]
yuck
there's a fine line between being a man and being an asshole
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