The Super Friendly Social and Love Advice Thread v3 - February
10,002 replies, posted
So uh... everything's good with the girl right now, but I'm not sure how to continue. She's really nice, and we have a good amount in common, but I'm telling myself not to make a move or anything (plus I'm nervous of course). I've never had a girlfriend / kissed a girl, so I'm uneasy. Just for some more info, we're going to have a picnic next weekend (I think).
why are you telling yourself not to make a move on a girl you obviously like?
I don't know really :/ I've always been known as the honest, nice and non-confrontational guy. Mostly because I'm shy, I guess, but I'm a likable person. I think my shyness is keeping me back.
[QUOTE=Prez;35588199]I don't know really :/ I've always been known as the honest, nice and non-confrontational guy. Mostly because I'm shy, I guess, but I'm a likable person. I think my shyness is keeping me back.[/QUOTE]
As someone in the same boat as you...yeah, the shyness is probably hurting a bit. Might explain why I'm still single.
[QUOTE=Prez;35588199]I don't know really :/ I've always been known as the honest, nice and non-confrontational guy. Mostly because I'm shy, I guess, but I'm a likable person. I think my shyness is keeping me back.[/QUOTE]
Why are you under the impression that not doing anything with your life makes you a good person
Movies went well. Obviously headed into a relationship
[QUOTE=Prez;35588199]I don't know really :/ I've always been known as the honest, nice and non-confrontational guy. Mostly because I'm shy, I guess, but I'm a likable person. I think my shyness is keeping me back.[/QUOTE]
there's shyness and then there's actively inhibiting your own ability to get what you want
which is what you're doing
So, I texted her, she said she couldn't come due to finances. At first I thought, k sweet I just got rejected time to move on, but I decided not to give up and offered to cover her expenses for the evening. She declined the offer again, saying it was too kind of me and she would feel bad. Again, all indicators were saying "abandon ship" but I thought fuck it, what do I have to lose at this point, so I decided to just be completely real with her and told her that it was a shame that she couldn't come as I was genuinely looking forward to having a real conversation with her for once. She immediately apologized and said she felt really bad, then suggested we meet up at a later date for coffee or something, adding that a real conversation would be nice.
I learned something here that I thought I already knew. Fuck games, fuck lines and fuck being anything other than yourself. We're all just human beings interacting with other human beings, and the only way we'll ever find any meaningful connection with each other is if we're being real. For so long I thought, "Yeah I get it just be yourself," but there was still a lot of... 'pick-up'-influenced ideas I guess that still lingered on my mind. All this shit about trying to appear aloof or not showing too much interest; of course ideas like that make sense and they have their place but you can't let them become your dominant mind-set when interacting with other people, it just isn't real. It seems so fucking obvious to me now, I actually feel embarrassed about half the shit I've probably said in these threads over the years.
But whatever, we live and learn. In other news, got a date this Friday with another girl ^^
[QUOTE=Dark_Light;35588878]So, I texted her, she said she couldn't come due to finances. At first I thought, k sweet I just got rejected time to move on, but I decided not to give up and offered to cover her expenses for the evening. She declined the offer again, saying it was too kind of me and she would feel bad. Again, all indicators were saying "abandon ship" but I thought fuck it, what do I have to lose at this point, so I decided to just be completely real with her and told her that it was a shame that she couldn't come as I was genuinely looking forward to having a real conversation with her for once. She immediately apologized and said she felt really bad, then suggested we meet up at a later date for coffee or something, adding that a real conversation would be nice.
I learned something here that I thought I already knew. Fuck games, fuck lines and fuck being anything other than yourself. We're all just human beings interacting with other human beings, and the only way we'll ever find any meaningful connection with each other is if we're being real. For so long I thought, "Yeah I get it just be yourself," but there was still a lot of... 'pick-up'-influenced ideas I guess that still lingered on my mind. All this shit about trying to appear aloof or not showing too much interest; of course ideas like that make sense and they have their place but you can't let them become your dominant mind-set when interacting with other people, it just isn't real. It seems so fucking obvious to me now, I actually feel embarrassed about half the shit I've probably said in these threads over the years.
But whatever, we live and learn. In other news, got a date this Friday with another girl ^^[/QUOTE]
i always figured that the classic "don't be too interested" bit was more directed towards people who tend to latch on and not let go at the slightest sign of attention. for a normal, functioning individual such as yourself, showing just as much interest as you have should never be a problem. good job.
[editline]15th April 2012[/editline]
and as a corollary to that, i'd say that a girl who is more interested in just playing the texting game isn't worth your time anyway.
[QUOTE=GoldenGnome;35588637]there's shyness and then there's actively inhibiting your own ability to get what you want
which is what you're doing[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I guess so. Time to put on the badass pants and get somewhere with this.
[QUOTE=JeanLuc761;35588242]As someone in the same boat as you...yeah, the shyness is probably hurting a bit. Might explain why I'm still single.[/QUOTE]
No, don't give him further reason to rely on his weak excuse of being "shy" to explain away his responsibility to take control over his own life and decisions in order to get what he wants. It's like when guys are like, "I'm just not good with girls, it's because I'm an introvert."
Spoiler: It has fucking nothing to do with being shy or introverted. Do you think every guy in this thread who has a girlfriend or is getting dates is the most out-going and talkative guy there is? Of course not, we all have those mental barriers, we all have that fear of rejection every now and then, we all have those irrational insecurities about this or that; the difference is some of us say, "no, fuck that, I'm not going to let some bullshit on my mind stop me from getting what I want," and we step the fuck up and do it. Sometimes you fail, sometimes you don't, but every time you push yourself out of your comfort zone, it expands to accommodate you, continually allowing you learn, develop and mature in an ongoing process of self-reflection and improvement.
That's what this entire thing is about; hell I would even say that's what life as a whole is about. No amount of words on a forum is going to change you. No amount of bullshit pick-up theory is going to be able to make you understand these fundamental truths. No amount of advice about some specific situation regarding some specific girl is going to make you into the person you want to be. Only you can do that. Only by pushing yourself and putting yourself on the line will you be able to learn and develop; from [I]every[/I] experience whether it be a positive or a negative one.
Your shyness isn't keeping you back, Prez. The only thing keeping you back is yourself. Are you really happy with that?
[QUOTE=Dark_Light;35589085]No, don't give him further reason to rely on his weak excuse of being "shy" to explain away his responsibility to take control over his own life and decisions in order to get what he wants. It's like when guys are like, "I'm just not good with girls, it's because I'm an introvert."
Spoiler: It has fucking nothing to do with being shy or introverted. Do you think every guy in this thread who has a girlfriend or is getting dates is the most out-going and talkative guy there is? Of course not, we all have those mental barriers, we all have that fear of rejection every now and then, we all have those irrational insecurities about this or that; the difference is some of us say, "no, fuck that, I'm not going to let some bullshit on my mind stop me from getting what I want," and we step the fuck up and do it. Sometimes you fail, sometimes you don't, but every time you push yourself out of your comfort zone, it expands to accommodate you, continually allowing you learn, develop and mature in an ongoing process of self-reflection and improvement.
That's what this entire thing is about; hell I would even say that's what life as a whole is about. No amount of words on a forum is going to change you. No amount of bullshit pick-up theory is going to be able to make you understand these fundamental truths. No amount of advice about some specific situation regarding some specific girl is going to make you into the person you want to be. Only you can do that. Only by pushing yourself and putting yourself on the line will you be able to learn and develop; from [I]every[/I] experience whether it be a positive or a negative one.
Your shyness isn't keeping you back, Prez. The only thing keeping you back is yourself. Are you really happy with that?[/QUOTE]
Sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound like he could use shyness as an excuse, because it sure as hell didn't work for me. I was trying to imply pretty much what you said.
In retrospect, I could have done a helluva lot better.
[QUOTE=GoldenGnome;35588980]i always figured that the classic "don't be too interested" bit was more directed towards people who tend to latch on and not let go at the slightest sign of attention. for a normal, functioning individual such as yourself, showing just as much interest as you have should never be a problem. good job.
[editline]15th April 2012[/editline]
and as a corollary to that, i'd say that a girl who is more interested in just playing the texting game isn't worth your time anyway.[/QUOTE]
Of course, and like I said it still makes a lot of sense, not many people are going to find 'desperate' or 'clingy' attractive at all, but when ideas like that actually start to detract from your ability to genuinely interact with people, that's when it becomes an issue and last night is just evidence of that, for me at least.
On the other note though, it's not even that we're continually texting each other, in fact I only got her number a week or two ago and last night was the second time we've exchanged texts. She only caught my interest after we graduated high school so we hadn't ever actually spoken, and the first time we actually talked IRL was the night I got her number, which was only a few sentences and now that I think about it, still the only time we've ever spoken. We know each other basically over Facebook comments as we share similar opinions about current/world affairs etc so often we're commenting back and forth about shit we're both quite passionate about or interested in. So yeah, like I said to her, I really do look forward to getting to know her more beyond superficial shit on Facebook, so I kinda hope she feels the same way!
[QUOTE=Dark_Light;35589085]
Your shyness isn't keeping you back, Prez. The only thing keeping you back is yourself. Are you really happy with that?[/QUOTE]
No, I'm not. You're right when you say that no amount of words on a forum is going to change me. I just haven't come to the realization that I can do anything if I man up and step up to accomplish it. It's been like that for me for a long time, that apprehension of doing something in fear of failure or similar. I don't know why the fuck I don't man up, and I hate that I don't. From this point on, I'm going to make sure that that apprehension gets pushed aside when I do things, so I'm not scared of failing; when that happens, I'll keep pushing until I succeed.
Thanks for the help, because although it might not change me, the words encourage me to fight the battle myself. :)
[QUOTE=JeanLuc761;35589245]Sorry, I wasn't trying to make it sound like he could use shyness as an excuse, because it sure as hell didn't work for me. I was trying to imply pretty much what you said.
In retrospect, I could have done a helluva lot better.[/QUOTE]
Oh, nah don't apologize dude I wasn't attacking you or anyone in particular, it just really irks me when people come up with excuses like that for basically being too scared to push themselves. I made the same mistake for years so I just hate to see other people do the same thing when I know they're capable of so much more, and I know I personally would have appreciated someone to come down on me with the same type of advice I try give out now.
it's like this one kid i know
he blames his inability to interact with people on his social anxiety diagnosis, while simultaneously claiming that he was diagnosed with social anxiety because he was unable to interact with people.
it's an unrelenting cycle. "i can't interact because of my anxiety. i have the anxiety because i can't interact, which causes me to have anxiety."
if you really want to change, it needs to be consciously and it needs to be in almost every waking moment. anytime you feel that flighty feeling in your chest you need to force yourself to push through it, for better or for worse, because (and i am assuming here, pardon if i'm wrong) you're in high school and none of this shit matters anyway. it is the perfect time to throw those issues to the curb.
[QUOTE=GoldenGnome;35589421](and i am assuming here, pardon if i'm wrong) you're in high school and none of this shit matters anyway[/QUOTE]
Graduating in about a month in a half, but correct. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.
[QUOTE=Prez;35589439]Graduating in about a month in a half, but correct. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.[/QUOTE]
all the more reason to just fucking get out there. you can do it, and so can anyone feeling the same way who is reading this.
The only thing useful about this thread is seeing other people struggle with the same things you do on some scale. I never really believed in pep talks; especially ones on some forum, but who knows some people might actually react to them.
Edit: Also I'm dealing with girl crap myself so wish me luck and all of that bullshit and I'll tell you the results whether they are good or bad so you can congratulate me/insult me/tell me some shit about other fish in the sea.
[QUOTE=GoldenGnome;35589421]it's like this one kid i know
he blames his inability to interact with people on his social anxiety diagnosis, while simultaneously claiming that he was diagnosed with social anxiety because he was unable to interact with people.
it's an unrelenting cycle. "i can't interact because of my anxiety. i have the anxiety because i can't interact, which causes me to have anxiety."
if you really want to change, it needs to be consciously and it needs to be in almost every waking moment. anytime you feel that flighty feeling in your chest you need to force yourself to push through it, for better or for worse, because (and i am assuming here, pardon if i'm wrong) you're in high school and none of this shit matters anyway. it is the perfect time to throw those issues to the curb.[/QUOTE]
And further on that, it becomes so much easier every time you do it. I know testimonials are largely lost in this thread, but I was never particularly sociable, but every single time you have a positive experience that comes from you stepping out and doing something, it makes it 100 times more comfortable the next time you do it.
It works with most things too. Going to the gym or for a run is fucking tough the first time, but it's easier and more comfortable each and every time after that, until it's just part of life. Talking to people is the same.
Went to the club for the first time last night.
I can't pick up girls with my life depended on it
*if
[QUOTE=Dark_Light;35588878]So, I texted her, she said she couldn't come due to finances. At first I thought, k sweet I just got rejected time to move on, but I decided not to give up and offered to cover her expenses for the evening. She declined the offer again, saying it was too kind of me and she would feel bad. Again, all indicators were saying "abandon ship" but I thought fuck it, what do I have to lose at this point, so I decided to just be completely real with her and told her that it was a shame that she couldn't come as I was genuinely looking forward to having a real conversation with her for once. She immediately apologized and said she felt really bad, then suggested we meet up at a later date for coffee or something, adding that a real conversation would be nice.
I learned something here that I thought I already knew. Fuck games, fuck lines and fuck being anything other than yourself. We're all just human beings interacting with other human beings, and the only way we'll ever find any meaningful connection with each other is if we're being real. For so long I thought, "Yeah I get it just be yourself," but there was still a lot of... 'pick-up'-influenced ideas I guess that still lingered on my mind. All this shit about trying to appear aloof or not showing too much interest; of course ideas like that make sense and they have their place but you can't let them become your dominant mind-set when interacting with other people, it just isn't real. It seems so fucking obvious to me now, I actually feel embarrassed about half the shit I've probably said in these threads over the years.
But whatever, we live and learn. In other news, got a date this Friday with another girl ^^[/QUOTE]
I actually enjoyed what you did. With the right tonality, [i]"and told her that it was a shame that she couldn't come as I was genuinely looking forward to having a real conversation with her for once.[/i] is quite brilliant.
You turned her into a superficial person; she showed interest, and was then unwilling to actually meet up and get to know each other (for whatever reasons she has) making her looking as she was only following what appeared on the surface (shallow person) and isn't really a person who'll spend her time getting to know you and have a real conversation. That was pickup right here my friend.
Also, I'm not so sure you were following any guidelines. Being "aloof" is not the key to pickup, the key is confidence. There's a difference between the two. Women need emotions, they need fun. Most women don't go along well with that approach.
The questions is.... did you setup an actual date with the coffee girl?
I have been bullied straight since elementary school, all of my teachers have gone 'boys will be boys' when kids would scream curses at me as I walked down the hall, I do not even know why they do that stuff but that made me that kid. In three years, I went from the kid so cheery you would think he is retarded to the violent one with anger issues. None of my anger or cussing started at all until I realized what was happening.
I have taken it for what must be seven years now, at least, and it is still going on. I have had my shit broken, I have been beaten, I have been cussed at, etc. insert whining here and I am sick of it. I have never laid a hand on anyone but in self defense (even then it was shoving) and the most that gets done to them, is that we get thrown in a room together and have to discuss it mutually and you can guess how that goes.
My parents, my neighbor, my friends, fuck even my doctor said I have to throw a punch the next time they give me shit. The only ones not saying so are the teachers. I do not want to fight, my grades are hardly getting me by and I do not think I can take a disciplinary mark like that, but at this point it is getting really hard to not take that level of action and it has been seriously effecting me, from my new anger issues to suicidal flares.
What do you guys think? Should I just toughen up? Or actually fight? I do not know.
I am a freshmen in high school btw.
Yes you should actually fight. Wouldn't hurt to exercise some too, so you might have a slim chance of winning. Boost your confidence too. But even if you lose it doesn't matter, people are less likely to pick on someone that will get pissed off and take action. If a teacher wants to mark you down for discipline or some shit, tell them that they did nothing when you wanted help with your problem. Demand to see the principal with them if you have to, and repeat to him/her that [i]they did nothing[/i], and ask them what they expected you to do.
I can throw a punch, it is just I [I][B]really[/B][/I] am uncomfortable with it. I want to hit back but the school is completely zero tolerance and I am afraid of how bad it will be for me if I actually do some damage.
[editline]16th April 2012[/editline]
Or I get into a circumstance where I just overreacted that time and then I forever look bad and feel humiliated.
[QUOTE=ThePinkPanzer;35591350]I have been bullied straight since elementary school, all of my teachers have gone 'boys will be boys' when kids would scream curses at me as I walked down the hall, I do not even know why they do that stuff but that made me that kid. In three years, I went from the kid so cheery you would think he is retarded to the violent one with anger issues. None of my anger or cussing started at all until I realized what was happening.
I have taken it for what must be seven years now, at least, and it is still going on. I have had my shit broken, I have been beaten, I have been cussed at, etc. insert whining here and I am sick of it. I have never laid a hand on anyone but in self defense (even then it was shoving) and the most that gets done to them, is that we get thrown in a room together and have to discuss it mutually and you can guess how that goes.
My parents, my neighbor, my friends, fuck even my doctor said I have to throw a punch the next time they give me shit. The only ones not saying so are the teachers. I do not want to fight, my grades are hardly getting me by and I do not think I can take a disciplinary mark like that, but at this point it is getting really hard to not take that level of action and it has been seriously effecting me, from my new anger issues to suicidal flares.
What do you guys think? Should I just toughen up? Or actually fight? I do not know.
I am a freshmen in high school btw.[/QUOTE]
Put one of them in hospital, take a week out of school on your own accord and come back ready to study.
Any of the cunts called teachers say anything you state you were offered no help so took it into your own hands and dealt yourself a week's cool off.
Just dont kill one of the little pricks.
[QUOTE=ThePinkPanzer;35591794]I can throw a punch, it is just I [I][B]really[/B][/I] am uncomfortable with it. I want to hit back but the school is completely zero tolerance and I am afraid of how bad it will be for me if I actually do some damage.
[editline]16th April 2012[/editline]
Or I get into a circumstance where I just overreacted that time and then I forever look bad and feel humiliated.[/QUOTE]
You choose to assume the worst, while you can do the opposite; What if it actually benefits you, or gets you into a circumstance where you actually start enjoying school and by thus even improving your grades?
If the school has zero tolerance for violence, then by all means they should also include bullying in their policy.
[QUOTE=ThePinkPanzer;35591350]I have had my shit broken, I have been beaten[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=ThePinkPanzer;35591794]I want to hit back but the school is completely zero tolerance[/QUOTE]
Nope, you got no excuse here. Neither does the school; if they give you shit over it, you can tell them to fuck right off. In essence at least. They literally can do nothing to you, and if they decide to try nevertheless, you can just continually demand for a higher and higher authority, because you're in the right.
Shit, you could probably hit a local newspaper with a human interest story like that. So don't worry about the consequences.
If someone touches your shit or whatever, push them hard in the chest. If they come back at you, dust your knuckles on them. You might be surprised and they might not come back at you at all.
Uh, thats not how it works. If you hit them, you've just given them an excuse to beat the shit out of you.
[editline]17th April 2012[/editline]
And I don't think the teachers will really care to listen no matter how good the argument is, if they really listened to students this wouldn't be a problem in the first place.
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