Gay Chat V11 - Were you expecting something funny? - General

I get what you say, I know I'm just being a downer I guess Its just hard to have any sort of relationship confidence when you know even the most pure of people who you were with for almost 4 years can so quickly turn the moment someone comes along, gets a crush on them, then they spend a year being your boyfriend's "best friend" before finally making a move at a good opportunity. And I have talked with him, which I guess is why I'm feeling this way right now. I've accepted the doom and gloom. He's at the point where he understands all my concerns but is ignoring or looking past them to "try out" dating someone who has tried so hard to to steal him. Unfortunately in doing so I feel like I have to downgrade my opinion of him from someone who is my best and closest companion (even post-breakup) to someone I should probably no longer see as better than an acquaintance. Meanwhile the homewrecker has used his ability of being socially manipulative to become good friends with everyone I know. Hell I don't even mind being around him too much when he's in the same room with me when I force myself to forget everything that he's done. Thats the kind of guy he is. I honestly think the only real solution is for me to move out of state, far away from here and near some loose friends I know out west... leave everything about what was a good life full of wonderful experiences and people behind. Because now that life has suddenly been spoiled by a person who just shows up and who is rotten to the core, refusing to see the truth of the things he does. He is honestly mentally neurotic in how he perceives himself to the point where he completely loses all perception of actions he does and honestly believes himself morally right while criticising others for doing very similar things that he does. Its funny how someone who essentially has serious mental issues in their personality+actions, is so easily dismissed when they think of themselves as fine and then focus on being model citizens socially so well that nobody notices.

If you have talked with him, expressing your feelings, and he ignores them...[I]It's time to leave that relationship.[/I] No reason to stick around when all he will do is hurt you even more.

So during this one night, I woke up in total of 6 times. 6 fucking times. And it's only 4am too. What the actual fuck is happening with me lately? I simply cannot sleep normally anymore. Alright, I'll try to go back to sleep even though I am wide awake now.

[QUOTE=MaddaCheeb;46915263]If you have talked with him, expressing your feelings, and he ignores them...[I]It's time to leave that relationship.[/I] No reason to stick around when all he will do is hurt you even more.[/QUOTE] We aren't in a relationship anymore and leaving doesn't help much right now when we are bound by a lease agreement till may He hasn't really ignored them. We even went out for ice cream today and had some us-time, and he very much wants me to be happy. The problem is there is a part of him that wants to be with the homewrecker bad enough that he's willing to look past a lot of stuff to seal the deal and as such has already filed my concerns/thoughts as "noted". He's cautiously optimistic about his new crush instead of fully optimistic, I guess that is the best I could hope for. It is very hard for him to see my perspective when a guy who is a total stud and who has all of his same interests, has been an online friend for almost two years and is a complete "yes man" who does everything only to please him decides to come in and give him special attention. He's really happy. Who am I to judge? I want to be there for him when the honeymoon "yes man" phase is over and when he sees all these issues after reality sinks in for a bit. Not to tell him "I told you so" but because I actually care about his well being. Even though I feel like I have to break things off and move out of state completely from this toxic situation, there is a part of me that knows his true self more than this guy ever could with his social theatrics. I know if things aren't looking good, I'll be there for him.

[QUOTE=KorJax;46914557]Man let me tell you guys Being home wrecked in a relationship is possibly worse than cheating Even if you are super secure and trusting in your relationship with your partner for a long time, none of that matters at all. A good home wrecker will completely destroy a relationship and change that person into thinking they are better off being with them. As a matter of fact I'd argue it is even easier to happen in a lasting relationship because the homewrecker will seem so new and exciting compared to the much less exciting but stable relationship. You feel totally powerless as the person you knew so closely and so well suddenly is alienating and different. And because he still cares for you (just not in *that* way anymore), he tries to get you to hang out with his new boy crush all the time and is upset when you are hurt by everything going on. You try and explain it but even though he recognizes the shitty aspects of the homewrecker he's so disillusioned by him at this point that he dismisses these faults as an "everyone has their faults" argument. And then when the one you thought loved you in a sincere manner ends up getting upset, the homewrecker calls you out as being the one who is hurtful. All of this after witnessing a long, torturous process where the one you loved had tears in his eyes as he was being broken by the homewrecker and wasn't sure what to think. God damn this is going to scar me pretty bad in my future, i just know it... the most honest, trusting and moral person I know being broken by a socially manipulative slimeball who was willing to do anything to break us up and get with my boyfriend. How could I possibly spend another three to four years in a relationship without constant fear of someone like that coming around and suddenly switching gears on everything? I don't think I want to be with anyone anymore honestly. Stuff like this makes me believe that I'm the only one who values a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase. The stuff that counts. The companionship you develop by going through life events thick and thin with someone. The real deal. Nobody lives to be with the one they love till they are old because they are the most exciting thing on earth. They do it because they respect and love them so much that loyalty is established no matter what happens, despite minor faults and quirks. This is something that I believed my boyfriend believed deeply in, especially knowing his opinions on monogamous relationships and the fact that his previous boyfriend cheated on him (to the point where he was scared I would do the same to him while we were dating). I guess this was true up until someone who he was close to as a friend to and trusted corrupted him to believe otherwise.[/QUOTE] That is one hell of a speech. I honestly felt for you reading that out loud. If you bring yourself back up to a positive state and realise that you are worth more than just dirt and scraps and understand that when one person goes then another one better will come along. You could do this story as a motivational speech for lost relationships but adding a positive frame of mind onto the end. It is powerful. But like i said. Positive thoughts. If it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be.

I wish i could be as positive about relationships as you guys

I should post here again.

Thanks for all your support guys, I'm really feeling it this morning. Its hard to get your voice heard when everyone you know locally (including my ex) is friends with my ex and the homewrecker. I've been tempted to tell them everything because I bet they wouldn't accept him (and my ex by proxy) knowing this stuff, but a part of me feels that doesn't solve anything and does more harm than good for everyone. I was always a lover, not a fighter so I don't like starting (or perpetuating) wars, especially when it would end up just hurting the one I was starting the war for..

Relationships are a strange concept that I've never fully grasped, but through experience I've concluded that most people are awkward about relationships themselves. I see a lot of lonely people that create an illusion of commitment from a lack of honesty about their own desires and goals. Truly, few people I know are honestly completely content with their partner, there is always an unfulfilled longing but most just don't want to go back to being lonely or even be forced into a situation where they have to realize and admit that they are feeling lonely and unsatisfied in their relationship. The problem is that most of us are dishonest about ourselves and what we really long for. We just don't know ourselves as good as we think, not good enough to be able to predict what will truly give us long lasting fulfillment. In the end, the key to making a relationship work and last is to learn more about yourself and to find confidence and security in that. Noone wants to be lonely but in most cases two people will just tell each other harmless little lies about the state of their respective happiness and snuff out their own displeasure until those things swell out of proportion. The healthiest thing to do is to use uncompromising honesty. Not about superficial things such as fidelity but about the truth of our needs and desires. To give voice to the hidden longing and displeasure we choose to ignore or don't know about, rooting out conflicting interests and finding solutions in truth. I guess that's my advice to you. Explore the nature of your relationship, your own reasons and goals for being in it, apart from not wanting to be alone and contemplate the position of your partner. It's incredibly hard to be honest with yourself about some aspects, but try anyway and if you can't find anything fruitful, try harder because you always have very specific goals that are deeply rooted within you personality. Don't be cynical about it though, just honest. See what you really want, what he really wants and if you think it appropriate, reach out to him that way.

Ok question: what if your expectations for a partner are hopelessly unrealistic? Unrealistic because you want attractive, intelligent and compatible and hopeless because you are unable to adjust beyond that. What if you can't even "settle for less" I am so practical/insensitive about relationship stuff that I just can't continue a relationship if something is off . Oh but then I make myself believe that the person is everything I hoped so I am just dillusioned which I guess you were getting at... But like. How does one curtail ridiculously high standards?

I should really somehow turn off my hostile part of my personality. But it is going to be a lot of work it seems.

I do this thing all the time where I just say "no" and shut people down by default. They can't make a joke because I think it's too childish, stupid, could have been done better. They can't give advice because I know how to do it "better" and the more wrong I am the harder I argue. I have been working on it a whole lot though. About two years now. New people I meet I tend to manage to suppress it. Any of the old people, school friends, family, it roars it's ugly head with ease.

LOCK, no homo