Angry, sad, depressed, miserable, feeling hopeless? Come here and lets help each other out! - General

-when do i post this shit?-

So.. once again.. I didn't get accepted to school. I felt I did so damn good on the test and then I'm 12 points under the minimum. I have been 2 years now without doing anything. I can't get any jobs I want since I don't have required education. I have tried some random jobs but in the end they just make me feel worse and worse each day I go there. I really have tried but now I just feel like giving up on everything. I don't want job at all or if I get a job I want to do it alone without any asshole coworkers or customers. I don't have much social life anymore. I haven't met any new people for months. Shit.. I just wish I could end myself.

I always feel disgusting... Done everything I can to feel better, but nothing works.

skate every day for years get a job fuck.

Good news on my front fellas. Coming to visit my family here in Holland was definitely a good idea. I've been able to check what universities are open to me here (which I'm planning to go to next year) and I've been able to talk to my oldest brother about the difficulties I could face and how to handle them. My medication is also a great improvement to my life, and I have not noticed any negative side affects at all! Guys, however grim things may look for you right now: there is ALWAYS a way to improve the situation and yourself. Wallowing in your own self hatred is not going to improve anything but your depression. However bad you feel, just force yourself (or get a good friend to force you) to get out and do things; do work, do a study, do SOMETHING. A mind distracted by work has no time to think about being depressed.

Guys, I don't know what to do. This anxiety / low self esteem is really fucking me over. I was visiting my family today, first time I've seen them in a year (my father's mother, sister and cousins, that family) and I was just so fucking anxious. Sitting there holding a conversation, I could feel my mouth moving in an uncomfortable twitch and I just felt so ashamed of myself that I can't control my feelings. My auntie let me drive home and I couldn't stop shaking if I didn't put my hand on something solid. I'm not scared of driving, I don't know what the fuck it is, but I was just so anxious. This is killing me. I don't know if it's linked to me being depressed. It's been an hour since I got home and all my limbs still feel shaky from anxiety and stress and I just hate it. I feel like a pathetic excuse for a man. I feel like a mere shadow of a man compared to what my father is. He walks so tall and proud and has confidence enough to hold the world on his shoulders and I just feel like I don't have that. I used to, not any more. I feel like he looks at me sometimes and feels ashamed to call me a son. A few occasions I've heard him add a little comment like "stop being a girl" or "man up" and it gets me right in the heart. In his head, he thinks a man should be strong and tough and able to fight, I would love to be able to do that, I will learn martial arts like him one day, but right now I can't. It kills me because I know in my head I'm man enough for what my family needs me for, I'm a pillar for my sisters to rely on, I take good care of my parents, what more do I need? It sucks. This doesn't make sense to you guys, but I hope you get me. For the past 4 years, I've been living with a shitty disfigurement. Operation gone wrong. I went from looking like a normal guy to having a big swollen eyebrow above my left eye that droops down and it just shattered my personality. I went from being so brash, bold and confident, to being some coward, anxious little thing and I hate it. I feel like I used to be a lion, and I've now been reduced to a lamb. I've decided enough is enough. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow and going to talk to a doctor about my depression and my anxiety. I've been putting it off but I've had enough, my anxiety stops me from enjoying life. I am too worried about going to the gym to just fucking jog on the treadmills because I'm so analytical and self-conscious, even though I KNOW no one gives a shit about what I do in the gym. I wanted to ask you guys if getting anxiety meds and depression meds is the way to go? I really can't fucking take this any more. I feel like breaking down all the time and I just hate it. The light at the end of my tunnel is knowing that in a month or so, I'm flying off to America to get my eye fixed. I can't wait to have my old face back. I feel like I lack testosterone. I don't know if it's an effect of having low self-esteem due to my fucked up eye or what. I feel like I'm too emotional, too caring, too considerate, like all the traits of a woman (I don't mean to be sexist). When I see my dad, it's like he's brimming with testosterone, like he doesn't give a fuck about anything. I sat and held a baby in my lap today and I just cared about the little thing so much. I kept thinking in my head I was such a pathetic guy though to be sitting with a bunch of women holding a baby and saying how cute it is. I don't know. Maybe my idea of being a man is warped.

i would like to make a huge post explaining why you don't need meds for this and explain why you are feeling like this but it would take forever on my phone so ill repost when i get home. i had a similar talk with my psychiatrist and ill teach u what he taught me.

[QUOTE=Cpn Crunch21;36723871]i would like to make a huge post explaining why you don't need meds for this and explain why you are feeling like this but it would take forever on my phone so ill repost when i get home. i had a similar talk with my psychiatrist and ill teach u what he taught me.[/QUOTE] I look forward to it. Thanks buddy. I'm just fed up of feeling helpless, insignificant, knowing that all we are are bags of meat and bone and brain. I get suicidal thoughts a lot but I'd never carry them out. I just wish I could think normally, not be anxious and just get out and grab life by the balls.

[QUOTE=loopoo;36724564]I look forward to it. Thanks buddy. I'm just fed up of feeling helpless, insignificant, knowing that all we are are bags of meat and bone and brain. I get suicidal thoughts a lot but I'd never carry them out. I just wish I could think normally, not be anxious and just get out and grab life by the balls.[/QUOTE] I kinda get you mate. I feel too emotional myself (actually i am in my sis house with mum to help her with her 2 week old baby). I also hate talking to people that aren't my close friends, or to ask them something. I actually have low self-esteem, prob. because i am overweight, do want to get diet, but i just don't feel like i can make it. I thougth about telling my mum so when they shop they could get the things i could eat (i have diabetes, the type that comes from being overweight), but i just hate talking about it so much i can't do it. I also wanted to go to gym but i hate showing my body so i just won't (also applies for pool, lakes). I am around 100 kg at 170 cm heigth. I often feel distant from my family too, no common topics to talk about, and when i even try to say someting i either feel like i am ignored, or 'not heard' (may be because i am used to talk quetly over time..). Usually in day i am good-ish (around people), but in the evenings often i just feel like shit, sometimes feel like crying but i am just unable to. Sometimes i think about suicide, but being afraid of what's after life, IF there's something successfuly keeps me away. I'm sorry for long and chaotic post but i just wanted to write it out like i do sometimes.

[QUOTE=loopoo;36724564]I look forward to it. Thanks buddy. I'm just fed up of feeling helpless, insignificant, knowing that all we are are bags of meat and bone and brain. I get suicidal thoughts a lot but I'd never carry them out. I just wish I could think normally, not be anxious and just get out and grab life by the balls.[/QUOTE] I know the feelings of anxiety and it sounds similar to what i have when it comes to my social anxiety. Its this strange mind destroying feeling that gets you racing and stressed out for nothing and in the end it ends up making you exhausted and sometimes shaking. Your body goes through 3 stages when encountering a threat. I'll use myself as an example. I would be preping to go to a party or gathering, and my mind starts thinking "omg who is going to be there, what if something goes wrong, what if i do something wrong, what if my anxiety acts up, what if it gets so bad i throw up in public!?" This is the alert stage, where your body examines a situation and has to deem it a threat or a safe event. Now my mind immediately labelled it as a threat so onto the next step, dealing with the threat. Think about the fight vs flight stage where peoples heart rate and blood pressure go up, well your body does that and it makes you more aware of your surroundings. The problem here is you then turn this ability on yourself and start examining everything you are doing wrong in a situation. So now im thinking "omg im making this conversation awkward, god i said something stupid, oh no my stomach is hurting, its starting" So basically i cause the anxiety i wanted to avoid in the first place. Then when the ordeal is done, when you go home, you go through the exhaustion stage. Your body is tired after expending all of that energy worrying and over analyzing everything. This is where you probably get tired, depressed, shaky. The depression is probably coming from how badly you feel you handled a situation and the fact that you have anxiety makes you depressed. Listen, you have a special gift and so do i (this is what my psychiatrist told me) in the sense that you are very aware of your surroundings. You examined yourself during the conversation with family and because you felt slightly uncomfortable you thought that everything you were doing was either awkward, wrong, or noticed by everybody. But guess what, they probably didnt even notice. Did you notice when aunt whoever got up to get a drink or when uncle ben went to the bathroom? No, because people tend to only think about themselves more than anyone else. What im trying to get at is, it is not weird for you to say "hey excuse me while i go to the bathroom, or go outside for some air." People will most of the time just shrug their shoulders and continue with the conversation in the group. It is ok to know that you have a way of removing yourself from the stress and take a few minutes to yourself. Anyway, about the gift thing, yeah it sounds cheezy but its very important to learn how to use this ability to its maximum and keep the damage to yourself to a minimum. You see, turning this analyzing talent on yourself you end up overanalyzing things you do like whether or not you are "man" enough or the depression bit. Do you need meds, i dont know i dont have your records, but i feel like by what you posted, no, since it seems that the fact you have anxiety causes you to be depressed. Its not a problem to be too caring or considerate, that doesnt mean you arent manly. The fact that your are your familys/sisters rock, is good enough and i know because i am one. To be a man is so be the emotionally strong one, when shit goes wrong you stay calm and reassure people everything is going to be ok. Im sure when you go to a psychologist they will reassure you that you are doing everything right. However im sure the self esteem thing is what needs attention but besides that you are fine man. Im glad you are seeking help, that is the first step most people dont take, good luck.

Evening fine gentlemen of DD, I will probably be incoherent in a few minutes but until then give me a few minutes to set up my bubbler and share a piece of my life. I want to share a bit of a story and a song that has inspired me a bit these past few days. I've been feeling a little depressed lately for some odd reason and I cannot figure it out. Perhaps it's due to sheer boredom? Perhaps I simply miss someone I can't name? I have no freaking clue. It happened when the summer started. I've woken up nearly everyday just to roll into this god awful office chair and play games (mostly garry's mod with some minecraft mixed in) then through the day I eat some kind of food stuffs and then I roll back into bed after maybe showering to clear my face of dirt. This routine was absolute for about half of June, then I met up with a friend that returned from up north. I hung out with her and she shocked me as if I was half asleep and she pushed me into a pool filled with ice water. Told me stories about her life that almost mirrored mine with eerie similarity, I was stunned (these stories weren't exactly cheery just so you know.) She faded into the summer shortly after, going away out west to a camp. Initially I really wanted to see her again (forgive me if I sound lecherous, I find that I sound that way far too often.) She inspired me to change some things about myself. Primarily I got sick of being a weakling child and wanted to be strong. Also she turned me on to hip hop. Now a days I find myself taking a class over at a local University and it's back to the grind. I only started this week and I've been working out at least twice a week, three times starting next week. I changed my diet to eating a truck load more protein and avoiding unnecessary carbohydrates in an effort to speed my muscle growth so I look more like a super star rather than a loser when I start school this fall(I can dream can't I?). This class I'm taking is essentially a repeat of my high school biology class even though I get credits and the "prestige" to say I did something with my life this summer. However, back to the point of this drawn out explanation of my short life this summer. I am feeling deflated, I feel like I have no purpose in life or reason to exist yet I still persist. There are a million and one things to do and they are all around me and all it takes is effort to achieve them but none seem to even start to fill the void I feel. Hell, I started with electronics to waste time and feed some obsession that I have to create things. It feels like I'm in limbo even though this is the time when I should be kicking back and enjoying myself. Just think, I hopped on my bike and rolled on off exploring for an hour. Btw, I just got a quarter ounce of some dank shit, brb as I light up. Oh also, this group has inspired me quite a bit and I think this song is fitting. Btw, I might just be some angsty kid since I'm just a junior in high school, please tell me if you believe that this is the case. [video=youtube;BpqOWO6ctsg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpqOWO6ctsg[/video]

I don't know what the fuck is going on in some girl's heads... this girl that I've spent almost 3 years building a relationship with, has gotten bored with me it seems, tells me she doesn't want to be in a relationship period, but yet is hanging around with her ex non-stop. Then she makes a facebook post about how she has this boy she likes and shit.. What the fuck ever.. I just want to say fuck it all right now.. I guess all I can do is pop as many fucking morphine pills as I can get my hands on and try to keep myself sedated and mentally occupied for a couple weeks till the pain starts to fade a little more..

Lost my wallet last night and one of my best friends mom died from cancer like 20 minutes ago. I hate it when bad things happen to good people. She was one of the nicest people I've ever met.

So I'm convinced I have an addictive personality, as I'm finding it hard to go a night without drinking or smoking. I've been feeling really useless for some reason ever since I lost my job and my dog, and it's really hard to get out of bed some days.

snip

[QUOTE=Bandit Kitteh;36837390]I recently tried methamphetamine. 1/4 of a gram or a "nub" as the man said. It was my first time and well, the idiot lives literally around 6 houses down, he slings from his own home. He is very stupid, maybe you can agree. But, I went and did it for "experimental reason", I had been drunk at the time at 2am and so I just went and pulled out a $20 and paid for it. I'm not a drug user, at most I've only ever used alcohol or tobacco in very, very rare abusive cases, I have tried weed once and "one hit seven bowls" which is a big deal says some people, but I've heard first timers don't feel anything. I did not like it, never touched it again. Anyway, my story is that I just went home and crushed it like any other person may have done just like you'd see in something like breaking bad and after around five attempts at sniffing it I got it all in. It burnt and well, I'm sure most of you are familiar with the rest. I did not like it, I am not a drug addict or a user and all I have to say is I'm feeling quite guilty. I'm not afraid or anything, I just feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm probably just a rookie or dumb kid to a lot, but if I ever had any morals or good thought, now is the time where I feel sick to my stomach in guilt. I don't know why, maybe some of you can relate. As of late, I used to be a strong alcoholic along as a smoker. A little before my comedown I quit, I put up post-it-shits on my wall and started my sobriety. I threw out my booze and crushed my cigarettes and even cooled it on aspirin for my headaches. I've got to say, lately aside from the nausea I get when I feel guilty or the very rare cravings and temptation to go buy a six pack or the dumb idea of buying a whole carton box of cigarettes, I have been feeling a little better. I just can't shake this guilt. I feel sick.[/QUOTE] Meth fucks you up man, you have to be prepared for the come down, it's just the worst part of it. You will feel sick, and wtihdrawl from it for a while, it will all go away within a week. Don't worry bro, you'll be fine, just don't touch that poison ever again, or if you want to in another month.

Hmmm, where do I begin, I guess the main things that have been getting me down lately, is coming to this terrible realization that everything I believed in and thought was right, is completely wrong. Before I started smoking (Cannabis) I was pretty right wing and conservative and very opinionated, pretty much the kind of person I hate now. You guys know the type, can't talk about emotions, ignorant to world problems, very against all drug use (I thought weed was a scumbag loser drug (can you believe that!?)), "if it doesn't affect me, there's no reason I should care", with racist undertones. I think my heart was always in a good place, I just acted that way, because that's who I was around. So two octobers ago, My best friend ever told me that he had tried bud with another friend I know, one of his good friends at the time and now one of mine as well. When he first told me, my heart just sank, I was just really surprised, and kind of mad. I mean this is my best friend, and he tells me that he did something that I was completely against. At first I thought "jeez, I don't know if I can be friends anymore" But of course that wasn't the case and after a lot of thinking and realizing he's no different than he was before, I should give it a go, I mean c'mon if my best friend that I've known for so long did it, it can't be all that bad. So I started smoking with those guys around last spring, though I never really got high until mid to late summer, I can't remember :v: . And of all things, the first thing I actually got high with was some really strong Spice. I tripped, I went through a dream which started with a bad panic attack, but once I got home and everything evened out, I realized, damn that was amazing, I need to try this again. So that's pretty much when I started smoking regularly. Anyways, upon smoking and getting into the culture, I've come to realize that I really really didn't like any of the people I was around except my stoner friends. They were essentially the popular group, I'd go out with them every weekend and drink and party, and though it was fun, all those people were so fucking vain, such stupid people really. and a bunch of shit happened between my two friends who were dating along with my, at the time, best friend, but I don't really care to type out that big story, maybe another time. but long story short, they broke up and I took one friends side, and my other best friend at the time took the girl's side. so of course they pretty much just said fuck you, if you're going to stay friends with him, then you can't be friends with us. Great friends right? So that's just been getting me down lately, I've lost pretty much all of my friend base except for my few close friends. I'm happy though that I'm not friends with those people anymore, I really do dislike them for the way they acted, but they were still close friends at one point, and it's hard to forget all the good times we did enjoy together. So that along with the fact that I've been feeling really down about the whole world in general, just how fucked up the government is and the world itself, it really makes me question, why bother trying, everything is so fucked up anyway. I'm not suicidal, but I've thought at times, everything is so awful and messed up, wouldn't it just be easier to just stop it all? But I just have this strong hope that this isn't going to last, and that I'll find something worth sticking around for, and really all that is right now is a few select family members and my good friends, if it weren't for them I'd say fuck it....

So, I had some success lately, seeing as I god my apprenticeship and stuff. But still, my parents keep treating me like shit, always complaining about how useless I am and stuff. My dad's a global packaging manager on a huge ass concern and my mum has her own business so I have huge footsteps to step into but I cannot really fullfil their expectations. What bothers me actually more (and that is weird) is that I am single now for a year and I seem to not being able to change it. I am too shy to talk to girls I don't already know and those who do know me prefer me as a friend, because of my good humor, my strong loyality and the fact that they can always talk to me when they got problems. But I don't want more friends, I want a girlfriend because I feel lonely and I'm not the solo-type in general. Right now I feel completely hopeless about this.

[QUOTE=zach1193;36841019]So that along with the fact that I've been feeling really down about the whole world in general, just how fucked up the government is and the world itself, it really makes me question, why bother trying, everything is so fucked up anyway. I'm not suicidal, but [B]I've thought at times, everything is so awful and messed up, wouldn't it just be easier to just stop it all?[/B] But I just have this strong hope that this isn't going to last, and that I'll find something worth sticking around for, and really all that is right now is a few select family members and my good friends, if it weren't for them I'd say fuck it....[/QUOTE] How boring is that? Not doing something just because its challenging hasnt stopped you before. Imagine playing videogames like portal (i mean who hasnt played portal) you played that game even though it was challenging. It felt good to overcome a hard challenge, because in order to overcome it took hard work and energy. Why continue on living when the world seems shitty, think about the good stuff in life, its not such a one sided black and white deal. Why get a good job instead of coasting on a shitty one? Because by working harder you can make more money which gives you more opportunities to do things with your family, vacations and special gifts for your loved one (notice i said special and not just expensive). The way you stop feeling so down is by stopping yourself from making these thoughts in the first place, thats how i dealt with my depressive symptoms. Break the cycle of thinking, 'oh this is shit, this is shit, that means everything is shit' in the beginning so you dont start feeling down about it.

Just remember that here are many small things you can enjoy. You just have to keep your head up and refuse to bow down before your sad experiences. If you never give up nothing can bring you down. All about the will.

[QUOTE=Cpn Crunch21;36842597]How boring is that? Not doing something just because its challenging hasnt stopped you before. Imagine playing videogames like portal (i mean who hasnt played portal) you played that game even though it was challenging. It felt good to overcome a hard challenge, because in order to overcome it took hard work and energy. Why continue on living when the world seems shitty, think about the good stuff in life, its not such a one sided black and white deal. Why get a good job instead of coasting on a shitty one? Because by working harder you can make more money which gives you more opportunities to do things with your family, vacations and special gifts for your loved one (notice i said special and not just expensive). The way you stop feeling so down is by stopping yourself from making these thoughts in the first place, thats how i dealt with my depressive symptoms. Break the cycle of thinking, 'oh this is shit, this is shit, that means everything is shit' in the beginning so you dont start feeling down about it.[/QUOTE] I know all that man, and thanks, but I have no intention of ever killing myself, I've just thought at times, it'd be easier if I was just dead and gone rather than feel like shit all day.

My girlfriend broke up with me. There's no going back this time. We "broke up" about 3 months ago, but we got back together after a couple of days from the break up. This time though, it's been two weeks and I can't win her back. It is absolutely killing me because she broke up with me for reasons I couldn't even help. I did my best to make her happy, but she gave me so little to work with. Before I went to that school two years ago, I was so looking forward to living alone, getting a girlfriend and having her stay round mine. I was 17 going 18 at the time (school started in September, I turned 18 in October) and I had a little apartment to my self (I was studying in another country from my parents). I remember how it was when we first met, we clicked. She is a great person. Just from the get-go, things were always strained. It was a very difficult two years. She was religious and it would always clash with everything we wanted to do. I couldn't even take her out for a damn cup of coffee because of the fear and anxiety she had of a family member bumping into us. Two years, and our relationship only existed inside of the school premises - even then, however, it was hidden from everyone else. She didn't want anyone to know despite the fact that we were inseparable and everyone told us how cute we were together. I guess she was living a lie. It hurted so much not even being able to take her out to a restaurant for her birthday, not even the cinema. In our entire two-year relationship, I roughly went to a coffee shop / cafe / park with her 20 times. Two years, and I only ever went out with her a total of 20 times. She broke up with me because of the strain of it. I was always upset, depressed at the fact I couldn't just be with the girl I loved, couldn't just go out with her and enjoy our time together. It was always so damn hard. It was hard being in love yet feeling so alone. She said she couldn't be happy because it was difficult. I told her it was difficult because she wouldn't let me make her happy. In her head, she only wanted a best friend, not an other half. Not a boyfriend, I guess. When I committed to loving her, I committed. I loved her completely. If she was studying after school in the library, I'd run home and make her something to eat: pasta, a sandwich, mango juice and some fruit. Anything. I cared so much about her. But always religion got in the way. We were suffocated because of it. She didn't feel comfortable kissing me, hugging me, holding my hand. She was constantly guilty, due to other people in her life force-feeding her bullshit about religion. I was always loyal to her, despite the fact I knew other girls liked me. I couldn't care less about them, she was the only one I loved. A diamond in a sea of zircons. My diamond. I'm really sad she broke up with me. We were perfect together, no one makes me laugh as much as she does. I wanted to marry her, she wanted to marry me. I just feel so used and abandoned, she told me she wouldn't ever leave me, but in the end she did. I feel a bit numb, a bit disconnected from reality at the moment. I feel like an empty husk of my former self. I'm no longer the happy, optimistic, content guy I used to be. I hate feeling so emotionally devoid, so empty. I don't want to stop loving her. I don't want to give up. Despite knowing the fact that staying with her would not be what I wanted in the sense that I always wanted a girlfriend who would sleep over round mine, go on holiday with me, be able to hang out publicly with me, I still want to be with her. She was my first true love, I've never really had a girlfriend before this. I've always moved schools due to my dad's job. He has to move a lot, so I'd only ever be in school for a year, I was always the new kid, I didn't let myself fall in love as I knew it wouldn't last. Everyone says it gets better the more time passes by. I don't want it to get better. I truly loved her. I've noticed that I've become very anxious lately, and my depression has come back at an all-time high. It's only hit me now because - up until yesterday - we were still talking. I could still tell her I loved her. But yesterday, that all changed when she said this wasn't good for either of us. She's removed all contact from me. I can't get to her. It's killing me. I think I'm going to go to hospital tomorrow and talk to a doctor. See if I can get a therapist. The company my dad works for provides free health care, so I might as well go and talk to the doctor, ask for help, ask to speak with a therapist. I wish I never fell in love in the first place. It's a double-edged blade. It protects you but hurts you at the same time.

need to vent, saw this thread so I may as well give it a shot. Even if no one reads this at least it's out of my system I haven't been taking my pills properly, at least i can't remember taking them so I guess that means I haven't been doing it, which undoubtedly means that is not helping the situation at all. I hardly talk to my best friend anymore, she doesn't seem to have the time, she says it herself. "I'm just so busy D:" yeah that's fine, a few months ago it was uni work, understandable. "I'll have free time for 3 months when i finish!" it's a couple of weeks (i don't even know) until she goes back and shes made fuck all effort. whenever i try "i'm free next tuesday in the afternoon" or something like that, which i probably cant do. now all shes doing is seeing other people, again, that's fine. But she doesn't even try with me anymore which in turn is making me not bother either. She constantly whines and moans when i do talk to her and i just cant have a laugh with her anymore. it's always just a lowdown on all the shit that's going on and frankly I'm caring less and less. And if I tell her somethings up with me it's always back to her problems as if it's some kind of competition. But I cant just go "oh fuck off then" because i adore her, or maybe I just adore what friendship we used to have. her boyfriend is also my friend, my brothers best friend, so there's strings, plus we work in the same place. I can't talk to her, i tried before and she just flipped a shit and it's just like treading on eggshells. She refuses to listen but instantly turns everything back on me without trying to solve anything. can't defend herself so she attacks with petty things, which is remarkably like my ex. last few days i've felt fragile, probably because of the pills (or lack of), i went out last night, and should have been shit faced drunk, but i think i actually drank myself into sobriety. I somehow managed to lose my keys, which is even more annoying because before i went out I had this strange feeling, "I'm going to lose something tonight. somethings going to fall out your bag" - and voila. I was hoping it would be a hair clip or something but no, keys. Not just the house keys, but my work keys. and my little giraffe keyring :( so if i can't track them within the next day and a half I'm going to have to break it to my boss that the locks are gonna have to be changed, as long as the locks at home. Which will of course be paid for by yours truly, when I've just forked out 200 quid because I didn't realize I went over my minutes because it's always me doing the calling. Anyway, my parents got shitty with me about losing them, which is fine because it was a dumb thing to do, but jesus fuck it's not as if i did it intentionally. "yes this will be fun, lets play hide and seek with my own belongings and see if i can find them before tuesday" standard "i hate my appearance", but lets face it we all have that problem and its not gonna go anywhere soon. I eat like a fucking whale (i'm lying, I've never eaten krill) and no weight goes on. I'm stuck at 7 stone, which in itself was a massive achievement. but what happened to my boobs anyway, i swear they used to be loads bigger. not massive but good enough for me. I mean I know the size fluctuates but why are they not going back again. even more annoying that this has happened since getting into a stable relationship, meaning i feel even more uncomfortable with myself during sex. I can't even think of a time I've had sex with the light on full. I'm too concerned about myself to even take any proper notice of whats going on anyway, but that could just be dissociative disorder weaseling its way back into my life. who am I kidding that's exactly what it is. that's what all of this is about. I was going to go on but typing this has gotten me to pinpoint the problem, i think. this will do [editline]30th July 2012[/editline] okay maybe not, that realization has just put me in a worse place. my destructive side is now yearning to come out but the other parts keeping it in check. its 3 in the morning and I have nothing to do, I can't sleep because i stayed in too late earlier. I haven't even got sleeping problems anymore, atleast not this way round, I sleep too much nowadays. The thought of knowing that I used to sit up until 6am dwelling on things i shouldnt be dwelling on is bringing it back, bringing back things that really need to fuck off. but there's nothing i can do at this moment but release it here. I'm not even sure what point im trying to get at but i can feel something deep in my mind brewing up and i don't like it one bit. part of me wants to go out to the forest like i used to at stupid oclock but i'm probably running out of luck on the whole "not getting stabbed" thing so i won't, although i'm feeling more and more claustrophobic with each second. I can't read to distract myself and take me away as i've been doing that all day, other than sleeping, so i'm spent on that part. I want to fight someone, i need something or someone here infront of me that i can just inflict pain upon without serious lasting consequence on my own part. every time I look at my wall, something else has shifted. it's creeping me out. maybe i'm just hungry or something

see, writing out your thoughts helped. Keep on that medication and try to find a new best friend. It seems like she has moved on without saying goodbye so you should find someone else to chill, vent, party with. Good luck, and on a side note i think you are attractive.

she doesn't come out anyway which is probably part of the problem. she doesn't drink, which is fine, but she seems to think that everyone's going to judge her for that so therefore she's unwelcome at the pub. it's stupid things like that that make part of me resent her. I have other people but not one person i can dump everything on, there's the boyfriend but i think if he read what i just said he'd run a mile, even so i'd just feel too guilty because he's not someone with any baggage which makes me confused as he's either hiding something, which i really doubt, or he's far too good for me. Thank you though, it means more than you'd think. That wasn't fishing of some sort since i wasn't even expecting anyone to read it let alone reply. I think it's partly a tendency to feel under appreciated because a lot of things i do for people go unnoticed because they're not things someone would consciously pick up on. I've been like that from childhood so you'd think i'd just get over it but unfortunately it doesn't work like that for me. on the other hand everyone else could be doing exactly the same thing, who knows. I just want a cuddle, and it'll only help if it's from him, but that's 9 hours away so that just makes me sadder, which means I want a cuddle more.. making me sadder because I can't.. vicious cycle, as with most things. I'm usually good at being optimistic or at least pretending (to others or myself, i'm still not sure) to be, but sometimes I can't help but let it get me down like this.

its a shame you dont have a bro or cousin you are really close with. I have a sister and i act as her rock. Shes ten years older than me so she has taught me about the stuff like what you said "thank you, it means more than you think" thing. I get that, sometimes the "i love you too" at the end of a phone call makes a huge difference. Shes also a cuddler so whenever she felt down thats what id be. On another note, the whole "i think hes hiding something" thing is something humankind has always been weary from. Dr. Jung (a neo-Freudian) came up with the idea of the Persona and the Shadow. The persona is a mask that we create to present to the world, but underneath lies the shadow, the instinctual, primitive aspect of a person. It lies in the unconscious mind and can be positive or negative. Jung explained that, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." So in a sense, the less they express it or acknowledge it the darker/stronger/deeper it becomes. Is he hiding something, we all have our baggage both good and bad and for some people they like to keep it under the bed rather than think about it or let anyone see. I have a close relationship with my sis and best friend that i can disclose anything with them, and i feel like everyone needs someone like that. We all have shadows, so why dont we find someone we feel safe enough to take off our mask and expose it before it consumes us? idk, this got a hell of a lot more philosophical than i thought it would, but i hope it helps.

I'm not like your typical loser kid i'm a pretty average motherfucker I skate with my friends all day, smoke weed and shit, have a job, have lots of friends but I can't help but just know that I don't fit in at all anywhere and it really sucks i'm always feeling so like seperate from everyone all the time no matter what and its shitty

[QUOTE=Cpn Crunch21;36998429]its a shame you dont have a bro or cousin you are really close with. I have a sister and i act as her rock. Shes ten years older than me so she has taught me about the stuff like what you said "thank you, it means more than you think" thing. I get that, sometimes the "i love you too" at the end of a phone call makes a huge difference. Shes also a cuddler so whenever she felt down thats what id be. On another note, the whole "i think hes hiding something" thing is something humankind has always been weary from. Dr. Jung (a neo-Freudian) came up with the idea of the Persona and the Shadow. The persona is a mask that we create to present to the world, but underneath lies the shadow, the instinctual, primitive aspect of a person. It lies in the unconscious mind and can be positive or negative. Jung explained that, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." So in a sense, the less they express it or acknowledge it the darker/stronger/deeper it becomes. Is he hiding something, we all have our baggage both good and bad and for some people they like to keep it under the bed rather than think about it or let anyone see. I have a close relationship with my sis and best friend that i can disclose anything with them, and i feel like everyone needs someone like that. We all have shadows, so why dont we find someone we feel safe enough to take off our mask and expose it before it consumes us? idk, this got a hell of a lot more philosophical than i thought it would, but i hope it helps.[/QUOTE] that makes a hell of a lot of sense, and I know you're right. I just find it difficult to expose myself like that nowadays. Thankyou though, it's definitely gone on board, I just need to learn to let my guard down again also to add to the load, one of my dog's got a massive lump in his throat like he ate a golf ball or something, and my granny, who's started getting amnesia or something of the like, has confessed that she had a minor heart attack last week but she's too stubborn to take it easy. on the bright side I'm seeing that friend tomorrow that i previously mentioned, I'm gonna try and talk to her about how i feel she's slipping away, it's been about a month since I've seen her, but we had a nice texty conversation earlier.

I'm sad because I haven't smoked weed [editline]2nd August 2012[/editline] yet

Last week I tripped with people I've known my whole life, one of them freaked out and tried beating the shit otu of someguy. We got the guy in danger out of there, then had to hide anything dangerous in the house. Talked the guy out of it next morning but I guess that was just the drugs wearing off. Some of the shit he said is stuck in my head though.