Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you
5,007 replies, posted
In that case, it might be that something happened that affected how you feel about her without you consciously understanding why. It might not actually have to do with your ex. Rather than trying to push away those feelings, give some thought to what might have caused the change.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;50440058]In that case, it might be that something happened that affected how you feel about her without you consciously understanding why. It might not actually have to do with your ex. Rather than trying to push away those feelings, give some thought to what might have caused the change.[/QUOTE]
Well, just the other day I had that female friend tell me she wants to leave her boyfriend for me, and had another girl who I was set to go out with before she went on vacation coming back asking if I was still around
I think my brain just kinda snapped
[QUOTE=metallics;50439241]Yeah, it's for the best. Similar situation here about 6 months ago, but it does get better.[/QUOTE]
Thanks. It just really does not feel that way at the moment.
Saw my ex who had since blocked me at the park last night with her friends (who were also my friends before shit went down). Her friend said hi and I just did a little awkward finger gun thing at them :v: it was pretty awkward but I kinda miss having them all as friends just to hang out with, they were really fun
[QUOTE=NixNax123;50449521]Saw my ex who had since blocked me at the park last night with her friends (who were also my friends before shit went down). Her friend said hi and I just did a little awkward finger gun thing at them :v: it was pretty awkward but I kinda miss having them all as friends just to hang out with, they were really fun[/QUOTE]
Why can't they be your friends too? People don't say hi to people they hate.
[QUOTE=Ricool06;50450486]Why can't they be your friends too? People don't say hi to people they hate.[/QUOTE]
After I saw them (but while I was at the park still), I texted the one that said hi to me and offered to hang out sometime this summer and catch up. Got no response. I'm all for letting things go, forgiving and forgetting, etc but if they aren't down then I won't try to force anything.
in a pretty uncomfortable spot with my friend to be honest. lately I've felt a growing need to distance myself from her and I'm pretty much always irritated about her when we hang out. I don't have a good time at all when I'm with her since I disagree with her attitude, her views, the way she acts and so on. I constantly find myself thinking about how I'm supposed fade her out of my life whenever I'm with her. she gets pissed off for absolutely nothing (which is nothing new, just getting really fed up) which is very draining on me. when I'm with others, I often feel confident, happy, take the initiative with stuff, but when I'm with her? my confidence drops and I'm too scared to say anything. I don't feel good at all, my well being is taking a large hit because of her.
and this is where it gets kinda complicated. we've made a ton of plans which I regret making now. pretty expensive ones too. I think the first one is a trip to a zoo for 3 days, 310$ per person. then we have plans to go to Dubai (help) in December which is gonna be roughly 3000$ per person at the very least, fuck me. I can save up for this, but only if I want to live like a hobo until all of this is saved up. I also have so many other things I'd rather spend money on, like a drivers certificate. saving up for the initial rent of an apartment too. she's also very eager to move in with me which sounds like an awful plan when thinking about what kind of person she is and who I am. I was kinda on board with the idea to begin with but I've always had a few question marks about it and now I'm feeling very against the idea.
now I'm sitting here with a ton of plans and expenses I don't want to partake in. I want to cancel it all but knowing her, she'll get very pissed off which I really want to avoid. I don't think we really share the same mindset, I feel like my priorities are more in place than hers. I don't want to spend 3000$ on a 2 week vacation to Dubai when I can spend that money on getting my drivers license which I'll have the rest of my life, or for paying the initial rent on an apartment. there's so many better ways to spend that money than a freaking trip to Dubai.
I really don't know what to do about this. I think she values me a lot more than I value her. she says I'm her "anchor" to being stable and I definitely agree, I'm a huge venting object to her. she talks and she talks, never asking about me. I feel like a healthcare worker more than a friend.
So what if she gets pissed off? Getting a driver's license and paying for an apartment are more important than going on an expensive trip with someone you don't even like. You said you want to distance yourself from her, so why are you constantly making choices like going on trips with her or moving in together that will drag her further into your life?
[QUOTE=PredGD;50455503]in a pretty uncomfortable spot with my friend to be honest. lately I've felt a growing need to distance myself from her and I'm pretty much always irritated about her when we hang out. I don't have a good time at all when I'm with her since I disagree with her attitude, her views, the way she acts and so on. I constantly find myself thinking about how I'm supposed fade her out of my life whenever I'm with her. she gets pissed off for absolutely nothing (which is nothing new, just getting really fed up) which is very draining on me. when I'm with others, I often feel confident, happy, take the initiative with stuff, but when I'm with her? my confidence drops and I'm too scared to say anything. I don't feel good at all, my well being is taking a large hit because of her.
and this is where it gets kinda complicated. we've made a ton of plans which I regret making now. pretty expensive ones too. I think the first one is a trip to a zoo for 3 days, 310$ per person. then we have plans to go to Dubai (help) in December which is gonna be roughly 3000$ per person at the very least, fuck me. I can save up for this, but only if I want to live like a hobo until all of this is saved up. I also have so many other things I'd rather spend money on, like a drivers certificate. saving up for the initial rent of an apartment too. she's also very eager to move in with me which sounds like an awful plan when thinking about what kind of person she is and who I am. I was kinda on board with the idea to begin with but I've always had a few question marks about it and now I'm feeling very against the idea.
now I'm sitting here with a ton of plans and expenses I don't want to partake in. I want to cancel it all but knowing her, she'll get very pissed off which I really want to avoid. I don't think we really share the same mindset, I feel like my priorities are more in place than hers. I don't want to spend 3000$ on a 2 week vacation to Dubai when I can spend that money on getting my drivers license which I'll have the rest of my life, or for paying the initial rent on an apartment. there's so many better ways to spend that money than a freaking trip to Dubai.
I really don't know what to do about this. I think she values me a lot more than I value her. she says I'm her "anchor" to being stable and I definitely agree, I'm a huge venting object to her. she talks and she talks, never asking about me. I feel like a healthcare worker more than a friend.[/QUOTE]
You mentioned about her saying you're her "anchor" to being secure. I think there's a massive distinct difference in saying that you'd really want someone in your life, be able to survive without them, but you choose not to/don't want to; and then there's just unhealthy connections. In this case, she has a unhealthy connection to you. She is entirely dependent on you for her security, and happiness. People should never rely on someone else entirely for their happiness, nor security. It seems she needs to work on herself a bit. Try and distance yourself a bit from her, If you do not want to go to Dubai, don't go. If she's a true friend, she won't mind you saying you don't want to. Sure, she might be upset or annoyed, but she'll just have to get over it, and realise that having a breather, is better than losing a friend all together.
How long have you been friends with her? It sounds like she needs to control her reactions a bit more. We all feel things, and make mistakes with rash decisions/actions/speech, but using a friend just as an emotional basket is not cool. Has she had anything in her life to influence why she may act this way? (previous experiences etc). For you personally, try distancing yourself a bit. Everyone tends to see things from clearer perspectives when you have a bit of distance from the emotionally heated situation (might not seem it to you, but it is). You can weigh out positives and negatives, and if you do decide to stay her friend, I would make sure you self preserve, and when you feel it's too much, have time to yourself. If she asks why, be honest with her. Sometimes people don't even realise how they are behaving until someone tells them (sometimes more than once). Where you have mentioned the "health worker", perhaps she is making a cry out for help, she might not see the issue herself, but maybe a health worker is exactly what she needs, and because she knows you, she feels comfortable relying on you. I am not saying this is a good thing, because of course you're not qualified and it's not fair on you either, but if she does need help, she might just need a nudge in the right direction. These things can take time, but if you feel she is worth it, then you would be patient, and support her (only if she's accepting of it, and not being a dick though). Have you tried telling her any of this? I think it would help if you told her. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.
[EDITED] I used to be in a similar state to her (venting too much/being too open) and had help, which is improving things. What she is doing isn't fair, even if she doesn't intentionally do it. I think a good option like I mentioned, if you feel this girl is usually a decent person, cut yourself off from her for a few weeks or days, stop making plans with her temporarily. Once you've had a break, you can evaluate the situation clearly, and she would've had time to improve on herself in that time too. It might not work out this way, but you could end up being back friends, and your friendship being a lot stronger because of that break. From my own experience, I would like to say she really does value you, she just needs help from someone who is able to give her what she needs (professional, or whatever), along with your patience. She just needs to grow up a bit really, like I did. I don't know her so can't really judge too much, but I also know some people are just like this in their personality, in my case it was a bad phase/time for me, so I don't really know what I could tell you. In terms of venting, suggest things such as a diary, blog, or creative activities that she could use. I think that once she gets the right help (if she's venting that much, there are people who listen to venting as their job), she'll be less of a venter. It is not your job to listen to her venting. While it is okay on occassion, every second about tiny things that they don't really need to mention, then no.
You need to be straight and honest with her, and tell her how you're feeling instead of being so passive, and hiding your true feelings. The longer you hold out, and plan these things you don't want to do, the more complicated it will get. Also, dishonesty is one of the worst traits ever. If you're not sure, take time out, and make it clear. It's not fair to keep messing someone around like that; being on the receiving end of it is extremely hurtful.
date went great, we're planning on going on a second one soon :D
[QUOTE=GisG56;50456036] [EDITED] I used to be in a similar state to her (venting too much/being too open) and had help, which is improving things. What she is doing isn't fair, even if she doesn't intentionally do it. I think a good option like I mentioned, if you feel this girl is usually a decent person, cut yourself off from her for a few weeks or days, stop making plans with her temporarily. Once you've had a break, you can evaluate the situation clearly, and she would've had time to improve on herself in that time too. It might not work out this way, but you could end up being back friends, and your friendship being a lot stronger because of that break. From my own experience, I would like to say she really does value you, she just needs help from someone who is able to give her what she needs (professional, or whatever), along with your patience. She just needs to grow up a bit really, like I did. I don't know her so can't really judge too much, but I also know some people are just like this in their personality, in my case it was a bad phase/time for me, so I don't really know what I could tell you. In terms of venting, suggest things such as a diary, blog, or creative activities that she could use. I think that once she gets the right help (if she's venting that much, there are people who listen to venting as their job), she'll be less of a venter. It is not your job to listen to her venting. While it is okay on occassion, every second about tiny things that they don't really need to mention, then no.
You need to be straight and honest with her, and tell her how you're feeling instead of being so passive, and hiding your true feelings. The longer you hold out, and plan these things you don't want to do, the more complicated it will get. Also, dishonesty is one of the worst traits ever. If you're not sure, take time out, and make it clear. It's not fair to keep messing someone around like that; being on the receiving end of it is extremely hurtful.[/QUOTE]
Though actually, saying all that, you seem to just want her out of your life anyway, so why are you hanging on and making caveats? It seems to me that you don't really care about her being in your life and if that's the case, then don't be her friend; you're wasting both your own and her time.
Whilst I am compassionate/empathetic with you on this because I know what it's like to be friends with/even be a similar person to how she's being, I also think you're being incredibly dishonest, and making the situation worse by being rather passive aggressive about the situation. I've written my advice up there, but if you really cannot see any value in her, ditch her now. Sooner rather than later, it's gonna hurt her regardless so it's better sooner.
Friend just confessed her feelings for me, first time I've ever been in anything close to resembling a relationship.
Both of us have social anxiety, I don't really have any idea how to proceed with this.
:scream:
[QUOTE=Sandvich9;50457229]Friend just confessed her feelings for me, first time I've ever been in anything close to resembling a relationship.
Both of us have social anxiety, I don't really have any idea how to proceed with this.
:scream:[/QUOTE]
Do you have feelings for her as well?? I'd suggest taking things slowly, but definitely go for it! Go on a few dates, and if that works out well, then look into taking it further perhaps? It may be seriously beneficial to both of you to have a relationship together, you force yourself to be social, which breaks the anxiety, and also you are compassionate and patient with each other as you both have the same issue. :) Very important thing to note, don't let either of you dwell on the social anxiety, otherwise it will poison what you two share together (recently learned that the hard way). Good luck!!
I've never had to do this before but how do I tell a girl it's just not workin'
it's only been 3 dates and she's real into me and looking for a relationship and I'm just not remotely feeling it anymore which isn't a good sign
what's the etiquette
end it now before things get any more serious. you said yourself that you're not feeling so just be honest. "I see you as a friend" kind of shit I guess. I saw a girl for a few months, great girl all around, hot too, but I did end up just seeing her as a friend, and I said as much. she felt the same anyway, and we're still friends now, and now she's tying to get me laid.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;50455862]So what if she gets pissed off? Getting a driver's license and paying for an apartment are more important than going on an expensive trip with someone you don't even like. You said you want to distance yourself from her, so why are you constantly making choices like going on trips with her or moving in together that will drag her further into your life?[/QUOTE]
we made these plans a few months ago when these thoughts weren't present and now I want to kinda "fix" it without causing too much drama. I just have to be straight forward about it I suppose
[QUOTE=GisG56;50456036]You mentioned about her saying you're her "anchor" to being secure. I think there's a massive distinct difference in saying that you'd really want someone in your life, be able to survive without them, but you choose not to/don't want to; and then there's just unhealthy connections. In this case, she has a unhealthy connection to you. She is entirely dependent on you for her security, and happiness. People should never rely on someone else entirely for their happiness, nor security. It seems she needs to work on herself a bit. Try and distance yourself a bit from her, If you do not want to go to Dubai, don't go. If she's a true friend, she won't mind you saying you don't want to. Sure, she might be upset or annoyed, but she'll just have to get over it, and realise that having a breather, is better than losing a friend all together.
How long have you been friends with her? It sounds like she needs to control her reactions a bit more. We all feel things, and make mistakes with rash decisions/actions/speech, but using a friend just as an emotional basket is not cool. Has she had anything in her life to influence why she may act this way? (previous experiences etc). For you personally, try distancing yourself a bit. Everyone tends to see things from clearer perspectives when you have a bit of distance from the emotionally heated situation (might not seem it to you, but it is). You can weigh out positives and negatives, and if you do decide to stay her friend, I would make sure you self preserve, and when you feel it's too much, have time to yourself. If she asks why, be honest with her. Sometimes people don't even realise how they are behaving until someone tells them (sometimes more than once). Where you have mentioned the "health worker", perhaps she is making a cry out for help, she might not see the issue herself, but maybe a health worker is exactly what she needs, and because she knows you, she feels comfortable relying on you. I am not saying this is a good thing, because of course you're not qualified and it's not fair on you either, but if she does need help, she might just need a nudge in the right direction. These things can take time, but if you feel she is worth it, then you would be patient, and support her (only if she's accepting of it, and not being a dick though). Have you tried telling her any of this? I think it would help if you told her. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.
[EDITED] I used to be in a similar state to her (venting too much/being too open) and had help, which is improving things. What she is doing isn't fair, even if she doesn't intentionally do it. I think a good option like I mentioned, if you feel this girl is usually a decent person, cut yourself off from her for a few weeks or days, stop making plans with her temporarily. Once you've had a break, you can evaluate the situation clearly, and she would've had time to improve on herself in that time too. It might not work out this way, but you could end up being back friends, and your friendship being a lot stronger because of that break. From my own experience, I would like to say she really does value you, she just needs help from someone who is able to give her what she needs (professional, or whatever), along with your patience. She just needs to grow up a bit really, like I did. I don't know her so can't really judge too much, but I also know some people are just like this in their personality, in my case it was a bad phase/time for me, so I don't really know what I could tell you. In terms of venting, suggest things such as a diary, blog, or creative activities that she could use. I think that once she gets the right help (if she's venting that much, there are people who listen to venting as their job), she'll be less of a venter. It is not your job to listen to her venting. While it is okay on occassion, every second about tiny things that they don't really need to mention, then no.
You need to be straight and honest with her, and tell her how you're feeling instead of being so passive, and hiding your true feelings. The longer you hold out, and plan these things you don't want to do, the more complicated it will get. Also, dishonesty is one of the worst traits ever. If you're not sure, take time out, and make it clear. It's not fair to keep messing someone around like that; being on the receiving end of it is extremely hurtful.[/QUOTE]
I've been friends with her for about 3 years, but I never really got any close to her before October / November last year. since then, we've been each others best friend. she definitely has a tendency to act on her emotions pretty fast which I find exhausting. not really up to date about any of that kind of stuff, but lately she has been very on the "gotta turn off every feelings I have" front to make sure she doesn't get hurt. always talking about it. I don't think she has managed to turn them off (she has some pretty strong reactions to stuff still), I don't think that's possible, but she's constantly talking about how its working for her and it's completely off. it has made her pretty cold I find, she easily gets annoyed and has little empathy or care for me (at least I perceive it like this). she has said that stuff has to go her way else she's opening up and allowing herself to "feel" which isn't okay. that means, in her own words, that she can't care for me, have sympathy or even be bothered to wait for me somewhere for 15 minutes since that means she's doing something for me. that's not okay according to her. she has some health care workers around her already but I'm not sure if she's getting enough help.
I agree with your last point, I'm definitely not doing a flawless job on my end either. I have a tendency to be very passive and passive aggressive if I get annoyed. I find it hard to differentiate between "justified" feelings and me overreacting so I just keep quiet about it and try to suppress it as much as I can, but the feeling is still there so I just end up being passive aggressive.
[QUOTE=GisG56;50457016]Though actually, saying all that, you seem to just want her out of your life anyway, so why are you hanging on and making caveats? It seems to me that you don't really care about her being in your life and if that's the case, then don't be her friend; you're wasting both your own and her time.
Whilst I am compassionate/empathetic with you on this because I know what it's like to be friends with/even be a similar person to how she's being, I also think you're being incredibly dishonest, and making the situation worse by being rather passive aggressive about the situation. I've written my advice up there, but if you really cannot see any value in her, ditch her now. Sooner rather than later, it's gonna hurt her regardless so it's better sooner.[/QUOTE]
it's here it gets a little complicated. I wrote I wanted her out of my life but to be honest, I'm not really sure how true it is. I keep shuffling the two, that I want to keep her around but then I'm suddenly back to wanting her out since I remember all the negative. then I remember the positive and suddenly I'm back to opposite thought. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I'm no closer to knowing myself, I really don't know what I want. like just now, we sat on the phone for 1 hour and 20 minutes and it was kinda chill (haven't seen her since Wednesday), she wanted me to come over to eat taco and so on. I really like that side of her, when she's not being so aggressive, cold, actually shows that she wants me around, etc. but then suddenly she's back to being like that, being short and generally a pain to be around.
I think I need more time to think about what I want with this relation, but I'm not sure if I'll ever make any progress in knowing what to do. I definitely need to talk about all of our trips, that's for sure, but I still need to figure out what to do about the entire relation.
no matter what you do
never
ever
move in with her
[QUOTE=PredGD;50463884]
I've been friends with her for about 3 years, but I never really got any close to her before October / November last year. since then, we've been each others best friend. she definitely has a tendency to act on her emotions pretty fast which I find exhausting. I don't think she has managed to turn them off (she has some pretty strong reactions to stuff still), I don't think that's possible, but she's constantly talking about how its working for her and it's completely off. it has made her pretty cold I find, she easily gets annoyed and has little empathy or care for me (at least I perceive it like this). she has said that stuff has to go her way else she's opening up and allowing herself to "feel" which isn't okay. that means, in her own words, that she can't care for me, have sympathy or even be bothered to wait for me somewhere for 15 minutes since that means she's doing something for me. that's not okay according to her. she has some health care workers around her already but I'm not sure if she's getting enough help.
it's here it gets a little complicated. I wrote I wanted her out of my life but to be honest, I'm not really sure how true it is. I keep shuffling the two, that I want to keep her around but then I'm suddenly back to wanting her out since I remember all the negative. then I remember the positive and suddenly I'm back to opposite thought. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I'm no closer to knowing myself, I really don't know what I want. like just now, we sat on the phone for 1 hour and 20 minutes and it was kinda chill (haven't seen her since Wednesday), she wanted me to come over to eat taco and so on. I really like that side of her, when she's not being so aggressive, cold, actually shows that she wants me around, etc. but then suddenly she's back to being like that, being short and generally a pain to be around.
[/QUOTE]
Okay, so she's quite significant in your life then (though tbh time doesn't really matter or count in who matters the most to you I find). Understandably, of course it would be exhausting for you. Is she seeing a Councillor/Psychotherapist? It's fair enough that she came to you as her first point of call, but she cannot push her issues onto you all the time, she needs some help to manage her emotions to a point that she can function better as a human being. The lack of empathy, not being able to do things for you, I don't know what's going on for her there. I have struggled with similar issues/being a similar way to how she is being, and I still cared about others, and did things for them. She seems to be excusing herself from a lot of things, but I can't figure out why that may be (I'm not a professional).
About her thinking she's fine and it's working, sometimes a bit of tough love is needed there to help her see that these things take time. The phrase "don't run before you can walk" comes to mind. She's happy she has finally got some help, but sometimes you can get too happy, and that's when tough love is needed to bring her back down to reality.
I agree that you're not doing a flawless job, but to be honest, it's a complicated situation. "Honesty is the best policy" - sounds cheesy but it's a very true statement. It's fair enough, it's complicated, I doubt she really knows what's going on herself, but she should be taking more responsibility for herself regardless.
Have you tried weighing out the positives and negatives? It seems to me perhaps you do want her in your life because if you really didn't, you wouldn't still remember the fond memories/positives, and consequently finding yourself in this uncertain state of mind. It seems that you know that this is possibly temporary if she seeks the right help, and that you have a problem with her attitude towards life at the moment, rather than have a massive vendetta against her. I think it can be very hard these days to not take things too personally - especially when it comes to dealing with someone who has mental health issues. You seem confused as I am guessing from what you have said, that this negative period of your friendship has been going on for quite some time?
I would sort out the trips, and probably just not go on them, because things seem too unstable at the moment, and it wouldn't be fair to go with her, her thinking you are enjoying it, when you really didn't want her to be there, or be there yourself in the first place. I'd take some time out, stay in contact with her, but reduce that, and have a break from it. If she asks, explain why you need some time to yourself. Hopefully, the break will give you a clearer perspective on things.
I'll try to keep this brief:
Girl I liked, she went out of state for a few weeks. I asked her before she left if she was interested in going out with me when she came back, and she said yes. So, flash forward a few weeks and she's about to come home. I asked her again if she was still interested, and now she's giving me radio silence (this is after pretty much immediately responding to everything I sent).
My question is, how should I approach at least getting a no without being too pushy? Like, it's fine if someone isn't interested but this not-talking shit drives me mad and I hate it more than just getting like "fuck off you creep" up front. For what it's worth I only asked in the one message and left it at that.
[editline]7th June 2016[/editline]
The leading answer is to not say anything, so I guess I'll just do that.
[QUOTE=SGTNAPALM;50475074]I'll try to keep this brief:
Girl I liked, she went out of state for a few weeks. I asked her before she left if she was interested in going out with me when she came back, and she said yes. So, flash forward a few weeks and she's about to come home. I asked her again if she was still interested, and now she's giving me radio silence (this is after pretty much immediately responding to everything I sent).
My question is, how should I approach at least getting a no without being too pushy? Like, it's fine if someone isn't interested but this not-talking shit drives me mad and I hate it more than just getting like "fuck off you creep" up front. For what it's worth I only asked in the one message and left it at that.
[editline]7th June 2016[/editline]
The leading answer is to not say anything, so I guess I'll just do that.[/QUOTE]
I'd wait a couple days before trying again. Maybe she's just settling back in after her trip. Who knows? I say give her the benefit of the doubt. If she doesn't respond next time, assume it's a no.
when it comes to dating, it's "fuck yes" or "no." If somebody likes you they will go out of their way to make plans with you.
[QUOTE=Sector 7;50475982]when it comes to dating, it's "fuck yes" or "no." If somebody likes you they will go out of their way to make plans with you.[/QUOTE]
I don't know, people don't put s random guy/girl before their other interests and shit
[QUOTE=Sector 7;50475982]when it comes to dating, it's "fuck yes" or "no." If somebody likes you they will go out of their way to make plans with you.[/QUOTE]
This mentality is very harmful to one's state of mind. It's not always like that, people may have important things to do, and they may choose to do said things instead of going out with you, but that doesn't mean that they aren't interesed.
[QUOTE=GisG56;50466329]Okay, so she's quite significant in your life then (though tbh time doesn't really matter or count in who matters the most to you I find). Understandably, of course it would be exhausting for you. Is she seeing a Councillor/Psychotherapist? It's fair enough that she came to you as her first point of call, but she cannot push her issues onto you all the time, she needs some help to manage her emotions to a point that she can function better as a human being. The lack of empathy, not being able to do things for you, I don't know what's going on for her there. I have struggled with similar issues/being a similar way to how she is being, and I still cared about others, and did things for them. She seems to be excusing herself from a lot of things, but I can't figure out why that may be (I'm not a professional).
About her thinking she's fine and it's working, sometimes a bit of tough love is needed there to help her see that these things take time. The phrase "don't run before you can walk" comes to mind. She's happy she has finally got some help, but sometimes you can get too happy, and that's when tough love is needed to bring her back down to reality.
I agree that you're not doing a flawless job, but to be honest, it's a complicated situation. "Honesty is the best policy" - sounds cheesy but it's a very true statement. It's fair enough, it's complicated, I doubt she really knows what's going on herself, but she should be taking more responsibility for herself regardless.
Have you tried weighing out the positives and negatives? It seems to me perhaps you do want her in your life because if you really didn't, you wouldn't still remember the fond memories/positives, and consequently finding yourself in this uncertain state of mind. It seems that you know that this is possibly temporary if she seeks the right help, and that you have a problem with her attitude towards life at the moment, rather than have a massive vendetta against her. I think it can be very hard these days to not take things too personally - especially when it comes to dealing with someone who has mental health issues. You seem confused as I am guessing from what you have said, that this negative period of your friendship has been going on for quite some time?
I would sort out the trips, and probably just not go on them, because things seem too unstable at the moment, and it wouldn't be fair to go with her, her thinking you are enjoying it, when you really didn't want her to be there, or be there yourself in the first place. I'd take some time out, stay in contact with her, but reduce that, and have a break from it. If she asks, explain why you need some time to yourself. Hopefully, the break will give you a clearer perspective on things.[/QUOTE]
I'd border to say that yeah, she has been very close to me and still is I'd say, just not really sure if I want it like that anymore. I'm not sure if she's seeing any form of shrink, but I know she is surrounded by several professionals (though I'm not sure what these are, definitely something related to mental help).
I agree with tough love being needed, but it's uncomfortable to bring up. she's very stubborn with a lot of her views and seems to have issues sharing others view of things (a few exceptions here and there). I often feel like I'm talking to a wall if we first discuss something since she absolutely refuses to see both sides in something.
I haven't really thought about our relation in that way, weighing positives and negatives. perhaps a good idea? it sounds incredibly cold and systematic, but just writing down various things that are negative and positive sounds like a really good idea. I imagine it'd help me figure out what I really want from this, if I really want to deal with the negatives to experience the positive. or perhaps, if the negatives are not too big we could potentially fix them in a way. I'm not sure if this is temporary since when thinking back, she hasn't really changed in any way. it must be me just getting fed up / growing too close to experience the negative more often. I used to have a larger selection of friends, I didn't spend as much time with her back then like I do now.
I'm planning to take up the trip thing as soon as I meet her next time, whenever that'll be. like you're saying too, it would be a dick move to be honest from my side to even partake in it when I don't really want to be there. I'd probably confuse her and make her unnecessarily stressed / annoyed by me not enjoying the trip. I've managed to have a "unintended break" from her for a week now, our contact kinda faded a little this past week. I think that's great. unfortunately I don't really have that many other friends to hang out with once she is gone so I've spent a lot of time for myself, but at least I'm not feeling anything negative.
also, apologizes for being so late to reply. not always sure what to write as soon as I see a reply so I end up coming back to it a day after at times. really appreciate your fleshed out replies to my situation by the way!
[QUOTE=PelPix123;50478787]i did, they don't care until he's already at my house
[editline]8th June 2016[/editline]
he keeps telling me that i'm nothing but his property and that i'm not allowed to say no. and then he makes up shit to all of my friends to pre-grease them for my "lies" when i tell the truth. like "If Kay says (The truth), you know she's lying"
he tells people i'm manipulative and that i'm an attention-starved mentally and emotionally unstable lunatic when most of our conversations revolve around him devaluing me, calling me property and saying he'll kill me
I haven't slept in 4 days, he won't stop buying new phone numbers and shit to harass me.[/QUOTE]
Can you contact a friend and ask to stay at their place, or a relative? Tell them what is going on and show any texts or voicemails from that guy?
So i'm thinking of breaking up with her more and more lately. Like when i see her i don't have anything like a special feeling or something, its more or less a friend of me now who is very clingy to me but we still have have a Coldplay concert and a weekend London thats coming up so i'm obviously not gonna do anything till that is settled.
Anyway how do i proceed with this?
[QUOTE=darth-veger;50479800]So i'm thinking of breaking up with her more and more lately. Like when i see her i don't have anything like a special feeling or something, its more or less a friend of me now who is very clingy to me but we still have have a Coldplay concert and a weekend London thats coming up so i'm obviously not gonna do anything till that is settled.
Anyway how do i proceed with this?[/QUOTE]
100% you will feel otherwise after those two events
[QUOTE=PredGD;50479051]I'd border to say that yeah, she has been very close to me and still is I'd say, just not really sure if I want it like that anymore. I'm not sure if she's seeing any form of shrink, but I know she is surrounded by several professionals (though I'm not sure what these are, definitely something related to mental help).
I agree with tough love being needed, but it's uncomfortable to bring up. she's very stubborn with a lot of her views and seems to have issues sharing others view of things (a few exceptions here and there). I often feel like I'm talking to a wall if we first discuss something since she absolutely refuses to see both sides in something.
I haven't really thought about our relation in that way, weighing positives and negatives. perhaps a good idea? it sounds incredibly cold and systematic, but just writing down various things that are negative and positive sounds like a really good idea. I imagine it'd help me figure out what I really want from this, if I really want to deal with the negatives to experience the positive. or perhaps, if the negatives are not too big we could potentially fix them in a way. I'm not sure if this is temporary since when thinking back, she hasn't really changed in any way. it must be me just getting fed up / growing too close to experience the negative more often. I used to have a larger selection of friends, I didn't spend as much time with her back then like I do now.
I'm planning to take up the trip thing as soon as I meet her next time, whenever that'll be. like you're saying too, it would be a dick move to be honest from my side to even partake in it when I don't really want to be there. I'd probably confuse her and make her unnecessarily stressed / annoyed by me not enjoying the trip. I've managed to have a "unintended break" from her for a week now, our contact kinda faded a little this past week. I think that's great. unfortunately I don't really have that many other friends to hang out with once she is gone so I've spent a lot of time for myself, but at least I'm not feeling anything negative.
also, apologizes for being so late to reply. not always sure what to write as soon as I see a reply so I end up coming back to it a day after at times. really appreciate your fleshed out replies to my situation by the way![/QUOTE]
Not sure if you want it where she's negative etc? Unfortunately, it is probably just a phase, and now that you've confirmed she is getting help that is a good thing. Like I said, perhaps give her some space, so you can get your head together, but it also gives her time to self improve. Then see how you could move forward afterwards? She seems like she has a lot of unresolved personal issues that are getting in the way of your otherwise close and valuable friendship.
Like I mentioned before, honesty is seriously the best policy. I'm pretty sure she'd rather you be honest. Well, unfortunately, she'll have to get over that some day or another because she will struggle to get on with anyone with an attitude like that. Although sometimes people put it on as an act, and then when they have time to themselves after your discussion (despite not informing you) actually realise that what you were saying was right, and take it on board, except tell themselves that that was what they were thinking originally and that you just reminded them (hope that makes sense lol).
Yes definitely a good idea! It is unfortunately, but in situations like these, it can really help you see things clearly and with a level head. It gets your head into the right state of thinking whether this is something you really want to continue. But do make sure you consider as many perspectives as you can when doing so. Yeah, unfortunately, sometimes there are a few people that you cannot get through to getting the right help, but there's also people who are just like it naturally. It depends. Takes some people longer than others to recover. If you feel things getting too negative, distancing, again, is the best option, that way you don't get a bias view of her. Though, saying that, if this is her personality, then perhaps you're better off without her?? What happened to your larger group of friends?
I am glad that you have realised it would be a dick move, and that you will be sorting that out. It's only fair to her after all, even if you feel she is being a dick. Yes, it would only make the situation worse, and more complex. At least your mood has improved. About the lack of mates, perhaps get out and try a new activity?? Meet some new people, and stuff, can never be a bad thing. Who knows, you might make a new best buddy.
It's cool, my replies aren't particularly fast either, everyone has a life outside of Facepunch, haha. It's fine, no rush! No worries! :)
[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;50478972]You can totally get him for harassment and probably a court restraining order
[editline]8th June 2016[/editline]
Also he is not your boyfriend, he is your abuser. Boyfriends are voluntary.
[editline]8th June 2016[/editline]
Start collecting evidence now, for your restraining order case[/QUOTE]
You know, one thing that's come up in my research is that men tend to be significantly more trusting than women in authority/the legal system. It's usually because the law tends to shit on us when it comes to sexual or domestic violence. It's so easy for someone who has never been chastised by a detective for being raped to say "let the police handle it" like the law is some infallible force that is even remotely equipped to handle issues of women's violence. /endrant
Restraining orders actually increase the likelihood that the offender will pursue you - getting a restraining order will only serve to make them angrier. Abusers often see a restraining order as an insult. To quote DeBecker: "Many batterers find intolerable the idea of being under the control of their victims, and with a court order, a woman seeks to control her husband's conduct, thus turning the tables of their relationship. Conversely, when the system pursues charges for a crime like battery, it is the man's actions - not those of his wife - that bring him a predictable consequence."
Second, a restraining order will be irrelevant if you're dealing with someone who doesn't care about getting into legal trouble/sees making contact as worth the price. Third, a restraining order will not protect you from an incident occurring. It will only benefit you after the incident occurs. The police are not going to be waiting right around the corner to arrest the guy if he drives up to your house - just because you have a restraining order doesn't mean anyone is going to get there in time to help.
You know the situation better than any of us. That said, I strongly recommend reading the book Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker when you find time to while dealing with this. His book is specifically geared toward women who have been victims of violence in order to aid them in protecting themselves.
Whether you want to file a restraining order is up to you, but either way, getting to a woman's shelter is a much better choice. Women's shelters' priority is safety, while a restraining order will not get you that and will probably put you in even more danger.
[editline]9th June 2016[/editline]
[QUOTE=PelPix123;50478787]I haven't slept in 4 days, he won't stop buying new phone numbers and shit to harass me.[/QUOTE]
If you've decided to cut contact, then it's very important you don't half-ass it. If he sends you 30 texts before you respond, you are teaching him that the cost of one response from you is 30 texts. Any response at all will encourage him. That said, I would still read the texts to determine whether they're actual threats. This might be something worth taking to the police since they may have insight on recognizing whether a threat is to be carried out, but I think I've already expressed how I feel about their aptitude at preventing violence.
Tinder has made me feel pretty self-conscious lately and I really want to know if my experience so far is normal, or if I'm getting below-average results.
Whenever I sit down and decide to use the app, I make sure to use up all of my likes. I would say that 75-80% of the time, I get zero matches out of a full day's worth of likes. Sometimes I get one match and that's really exciting. ONE day I got two.
In total I've racked up 10 matches. And of course I message every single person. 8 of those girls have not messaged me back whatsoever. The only two who actually messaged me actually sent the first message. I talked to the first one for about a day then figured I wasn't really into her. The second one asked me if I want to hook up, then went completely silent after only messaging me 4 times.
What I'm wondering now is if I'd have more success on a "dating" site like OKC rather than the "hookup" app.
I've talked to female friends about my concerns and they just kind of made me feel worse. One of them gave me advice on my pictures and bio which I think helped? I went from 7 matches to 10 since that advice so I dunno.
But one friend really pissed me off. She told me Tinder is full of superficial people, and I'm not going to find someone that way. Which sounds like a backhanded way to call me unattractive. She even had the guts to say to me "Do you really want to start a relationship from a [i]hookup app[/i]?" while (before and after) telling me about her amazing boyfriend that she found on Tinder and it's the best relationship she's ever had and it's all so perfect in every way. Like basically telling me all the amazing ways Tinder has made her life better, while simultaneously telling ME that I'LL never have that. She advises me to just delete the app.
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