Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

[QUOTE=Derposaurus;48648989] [editline]9th September 2015[/editline] Expand your horizons and talk it up with other girls[/QUOTE] I HAVE GF THOUGH (she doesn't fill the gap perfectly)

[QUOTE=Loch;48649045]I HAVE GF THOUGH (she doesn't fill the gap perfectly)[/QUOTE] Then break it off with your gf and go after the one you really want

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48648382]I stood up, she called my name thinking I was leaving. I grabbed her hand, pulled her towards me, told her "Let me do something really stupid then" and I kissed her. Something I should have done earlier because it lasted a lifetime. And suddenly it was like every problem had gone away. We hugged and we smiled. Then we talked some more. She apologized to me for everything. I forgave her but told her not to do it again.[/QUOTE] Another toxic relationship perpetuated because of unrealistic expectations and putting a desire for comfort over your own health. And you magically fixed all your problems by kissing the girl who said she didn't know if she would stop fucking other guys and didn't know if she wanted to be loyal to you. So nothing gets solved, nothing changes in your situation, and you're obviously still hurt and just repressing it, but you turn around and kiss her and magically everything is OK again... Just like in the movies. Next thing we know we'll be hearing about how you hung off a ferris wheel in order to coerce her into getting back together. [editline]9th September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48648464]I didn't say she cheated on me. I said she asked for some time and got involved with another guy. It was already implied at that point that we weren't together even though she asked for some time. [editline]9th September 2015[/editline] Look, I don't think this is a compulsive cheating case to be fair and square. [B]We weren't together when she "cheated[/B] and to be honest I don't give a shit about what they did. If I'm doing the right think, or making a mistake, I don't know. I really don't. It will be either really good from now on or really bad. But I need to make my own mistakes. It's a part of living a life. That's how I am. I have made my decision. I won't bother you if it backfires. I have friends to cry to for that.[/QUOTE] This is an online forum where nobody knows you. I doubt you would be spending so much time trying to defend your decisions to us if you weren't also doing it to try to reassure yourself.

He's obviously still hurt by it and writing things like that to try to rationalize it to himself.

Behemoth you're getting played like a violin and it's so loud and unsubtle I can hear it from Missouri. I know you're hoping for the best, but that 5% chance just isn't worth it. "I need to make my own mistakes" you've already made your mistake, don't repeat it. I know you're stubborn and likely not a single word any of us say will change your mind, just know that you're putting your hand on a heated stove and hoping you won't get burned. If you just cut the strings and stop being a puppet, you will save your time and her time.

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48648382]Let me start by going through how it went. I got there at the park and didn't say a word. She said she didn't have anything to tell me and she only wanted to see me. I asked what the hell I was doing there and then we argued. I told her everything. [B]She told me that she didn't even had sex, much less a relationship with the other guy. Apparently they just made out and would meet each other from time to time. [/B]She told me she was a mess, she felt a lot of things for me but she couldn't tell because she was afraid she'd get hurt again. [/QUOTE] so what you're saying is that all she did was meet up for some kisses? are you sure she didnt play with his penis a little bit?

"I need to make my own mistakes," is one of the things I hate the most hearing people say. It's the dumbest goddamn shit in the world. If you see Jimmy Strutters put his hand on the stovetop and burn his goddamn hand, you should be able to learn from his mistake and not put your hand on the goddamn stovetop like a fucking retard. Just because [B]you[/B] didn't make the mistake doesn't mean you can't learn from it, this is a basic concept of life most people abide by in all aspects except relationships. You won't touch that stove because you saw someone get burned doing so, but you'll go and take a cheating bitch back even though you've seen/heard of a million people wasting away years of their lives and ending up full of regret after doing the exact shit. This dense motherfucker thinks he's gonna be immune to the heat from the stovetop or whatever because true love and sappy romantic moves. I'll never understand that shit it rustles my jammies so hard.

Honestly I disagree, there are so many variables in any relationship that it's impossible to make one-size-fits-all rules about this stuff. My comm professor regularly preached that people have the right to their own mistakes and that trying to help them handle them when they haven't asked for help is a form of controlling behavior (the issue with this thread is that the fact that someone is posting here in itself suggests that they probably want some sort of feedback, even if they aren't directly asking for it). A lot of the time when people giving advice in this thread get particularly heated about certain subjects, it's because they've dealt with them in the past, and "fixing" those issues for someone else is therapeutic for them and allows them to process what happened to themselves. Most people would be hesitant to compare their own relationship to the horror stories other people tell them - it's hard to comprehend that someone you've been with for years has become insensitive and manipulative toward you, and in his case, as far as he's been able to rationalize at least, nothing has actually happened in which she broke his trust (slept with other guys outside of relationship etc). That said... His post indicated that nothing has actually been resolved and that his girlfriend has not agreed to change her behavior. Instead of projecting our own past experiences with cheating on him, I think we should be focusing on what [i]actually[/i] happened, which is... nothing at all.

No experience with cheating but I honestly didn't realize my ex was textbook abusive until after I broke up with him. Luckily Gavin DeBecker gave me a wakeup call when I realized that the entire chapter on spousal abuse was describing my relationship. It's hard to judge the situation you're in when you have nothing to compare it to (like in Behemoth's case where they've been together for years), and when you're trying to justify staying.

Of course there's no one-size-fits-all rule, but there's general widely accepted concepts. It's no different from troubleshooting a computer system/network/whatever. Networks and systems may vary a fuckton, but the methodology to solving them is universal. You follow the same steps, take the same courses of action, because even though they might vary, they're still goddamn computers. Every relationship has its nuances because they're a bond between two wholly unique people. However, human beings do exhibit generally similar behaviors and relationships follow suite. Many relationships and the situations in those relationships are far, far, far from unique. Hell, the fact that those 99.9 percent universal solutions exist is the entire reason why these threads got popular way back in the day. People like myself and others had a plethora of knowledge based on our unique, but at the same time common, experiences and we could steer people who don't have those experiences away from making the same mistakes we did. Modern society glorifies the mistake way too much. Everyone gets to wrapped up in the concept of learning from mistakes that they forget it is not specific to an individual. You can learn just as much from the mistakes of others as you can from your own. The girl who cheated on me is currently my best friend, we have an extremely healthy and close platonic relationship with no strange tension or whatever, which is extremely rare these days. The entire reason why we are like that is because I took the experiences of people I talked to and used the lessons learned from their mistakes to avoid making my own. People whine so goddamn much about not being able to put the dresser together, then turn around and say, "Nah I don't wanna read the instructions 'cause I'm a fuckass."

You're correct that there are "generally widely accepted concepts". One of those concepts is that the reason people in relationships cheat is often because they aren't sexually satisfied or aren't sexually attracted to their partner. Issues like this are rarely entirely the fault of one person - both partners always have at least some responsibility for any issue in a relationship. If one person is failing at communicating, it's also the other person's failure to not listen well enough.

Part of listening isn't just literally listening, but also making yourself approachable about issues. If you always react badly to criticism, it makes it harder for your partner to provide that criticism.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 5 months now, and everything is going pretty great. We both feel very strongly about each other and all that good stuff. Not really many complaints on my end. However, I'm just wondering if anybody has any idea how I should go about trying to stop this terrible feeling that I get whenever I think about how she has been with other guys before. I mean, it sounds ridiculous, when you are dating somebody of course it isn't uncommon for them to have had past relationships, and that is why I feel so dumb. I just get like, sick to my stomach whenever I remember her and her ex together. I feel depressed, and I just want to move past it and accept that she is with me now.

I honestly like knowing that my boyfriend has had other partners because a) it means he's not just with me because he can't get anyone else, and actually picked me out of all his options, and b) it means he's desirable.

Thanks guys, that helps :) I'll try to keep my mind on the bright side of things.

fuckkkkkkk, things are back on track with my girl but someone has been chatting to me on facebook, a girl i kind of have a history with and out of the blue she's started talking to me again (great fucking timing). i really like her and want to be friends with her but i dont think thats what she wants and when we talk its super flirty and she says things to me that the girl i'm seeing never does and it's making me feel really dirty.

[QUOTE=Pat.Lithium;48650267]fuckkkkkkk, things are back on track with my girl but someone has been chatting to me on facebook, a girl i kind of have a history with and out of the blue she's started talking to me again (great fucking timing). i really like her and want to be friends with her but i dont think thats what she wants and when we talk its super flirty and she says things to me that the girl i'm seeing never does and it's making me feel really dirty.[/QUOTE] If you're happy with your current girl, stop talking with this other girl. Your actions dictate what will happen and how much damage you will do to your relationship, your partner, and yourself. Do you respect your partner enough to stop yourself from emotionally cheating? You're crossing the line by continuing to message this other girl. The grass is greener where you water it.

i dont know what i'm feeling right now, it just feels like the conversations with the other girl are better :/ i don't want to leave the girl i'm with though because i do really like her. [editline]10th September 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=The Best;48650281]If you're happy with your current girl, stop talking with this other girl. Your actions dictate what will happen and how much damage you will do to your relationship, your partner, and yourself. Do you respect your partner enough to stop yourself from emotionally cheating? You're crossing the line by continuing to message this other girl. The grass is greener where you water it.[/QUOTE] thanks, i'll just have to tell her how it is if she brings it up again.

[QUOTE=Pat.Lithium;48650282]i dont know what i'm feeling right now, it just feels like the conversations with the other girl are better :/ i don't want to leave the girl i'm with though because i do really like her. [editline]10th September 2015[/editline] thanks, i'll just have to tell her how it is if she brings it up again.[/QUOTE] Good. You will hurt your partner if you push this farther and the only one who will look like an asshole is you.

[QUOTE=The Best;48650304]Good. You will hurt your partner if you push this farther and the only one who will look like an asshole is you.[/QUOTE] i already feel really bad about it :(

The one thing that annoys me most about Okcupid is that you have to pay to message someone if they have too much messages, which is about 90% of the people I find appealing!

okay i sent the other girl a message explaining myself, she hasnt replied yet. i'm also going to tell my girl about it, because i feel bad about it.

It's completely normal to have crushes on people other than your partner. Everyone who's been in a long-term relationship has them at some point. What matters is how you act on them.

i got another thing plaguing my mind though, the other girl told me all the things she likes about me, and the girl i'm seeing has never told me why or what she likes about me. is it a weird thing to ask her, because i'd really like to know? [editline]10th September 2015[/editline] except for a few things like im a nice guy and i'm funny.

[QUOTE=Pat.Lithium;48650748]i got another thing plaguing my mind though, the other girl told me all the things she likes about me, and the girl i'm seeing has never told me why or what she likes about me. is it a weird thing to ask her, because i'd really like to know? [editline]10th September 2015[/editline] except for a few things like im a nice guy and i'm funny.[/QUOTE] I think it's fine to ask her, you should tell her what you like about her too.

I do all the time thats why it bugs me that she never tells me :/ [editline]10th September 2015[/editline] And im smoking half a pack a day because i cant calm myself down

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48648382]I understand how you may find this all uncomprehensive after all I've been complaining about her. And from your point of view, a few enraged emotional texts being all I provided, you're right. But in reality I am right about investing on her. And do not patronize me like I'm being manipulated. I'm 100% sure on this. I know I've said things here and acted the total opposite, but in the midst of my emotions I left a lot of things out, for the sake of not turning a wall of text into a scroll. Let me start by going through how it went. I got there at the park and didn't say a word. She said she didn't have anything to tell me and she only wanted to see me. I asked what the hell I was doing there and then we argued. I told her everything. She told me that she didn't even had sex, much less a relationship with the other guy. Apparently they just made out and would meet each other from time to time. She told me she was a mess, she felt a lot of things for me but she couldn't tell because she was afraid she'd get hurt again. And she has good reasons for that because I gave them to her on the festival, like I previously said. So another party listening to her story certainly would have told her that I wasn't worth her for feeding her illusions of a future together and then walking away when things begun to get sower. Because yes, I did that to her, and after that at that point I told her, since she was being so persistent in her text messages that I'd do something, and I got so pissed that I told her - "Look, I can't think about anything right now, if you're just going to insult me and hate me for keeping you on the hook, fine, move the fuck on!". I also broke her heart. Broke it so much that it was reason enough for her to start drinking. I also promised her that I'd come back early from my friend's house in the north so I could spend her last week of vacations with her, which didn't happen. Yes, if you'd been hearing her story and not mine her, you'd all be seeing me like a massive cunt at this point. When I came back and wanted to talk, because I had cleared my mind and I missed her, of course she made things hard for me. Of course she told me "Look I just need some time to think about nothing and have fun with my friends, I can't think about anything now even though I have feelings for you". I know the situation she put me into was harsh, telling me she made out with another guy (fact to which I asked for no more details), I told her I disagreed, I wanted to be with her and all that, and she couldn't decide. On one hand I proved her twice I was inconsistent, unpredictable about what I wanted, so she wanted to move on alone, on the other she still had deep feelings for me. Yes, she kept me on the hook. I told her I didn't know what to do about her indecision, but it wasn't something I didn't put her through for 2 weeks before. Today I told her I had enough, that I had feelings towards her but I also wanted to move on. Which are two opposites. She told me she had bottled feelings but she couldn't tell me, I insisted, "Tell me" and she told me "I LOVE YOU, OK! But I can't I'm afraid", then I asked "then what the heck is stopping you, is the other guy that worth it", she started crying and told me "Fuck no! Not even by a long shot, but you're not even looking at me..." After that I got really mad, just asked her - "Then decide, for fuck's sake, you can't keep on going like this" - "I'm afraid, I don't know". I stood up, she called my name thinking I was leaving. I grabbed her hand, pulled her towards me, told her "Let me do something really stupid then" and I kissed her. Something I should have done earlier because it lasted a lifetime. And suddenly it was like every problem had gone away. We hugged and we smiled. Then we talked some more. She apologized to me for everything. I forgave her but told her not to do it again. I know we've been fucking up everything since the festival. We're stubborn. One bites, the other bites back twice as hard. That's how we are, that's how we've always been. But at the end of the day we love each other. And that's worth fighting for. That's love. You don't give up and I understand it now. I don't expect you to understand, I know I've been telling you a different story throughout the thread, telling one thing, doing another. I just ask that you respect my decision. I sure took all of your advice into consideration and appreciated the honesty and kindness. And if things go wrong like this again, don't worry. I won't come crawling back here crying for your advice. Thank you all.[/QUOTE] This sounds like a movie scene, too dramatic to be real. "okay.... that sounds fake but okay." comes to mind. My take on this whole paragraph is: She guilt tripped you into staying, you weren't as aggressive and hesitant to be with her as you made out, the reason why i think this is that you went into too much detail on what happened as if you imagined it rather than it happening. I could be completely wrong but i honestly believe none of this happened and you just listened to her crap and said ok. I'm sorry for sounding harsh and its a not so "Super Friendly Social" chat but i honestly believe you're both self destructive and you're only with this girl because she causes drama in your life which you probably find dull and boring atm. Its the most exciting thing thats happened to you and you kind of like it. Its happened to many people before.

[QUOTE=Pat.Lithium;48650267]fuckkkkkkk, things are back on track with my girl but someone has been chatting to me on facebook, a girl i kind of have a history with and out of the blue she's started talking to me again (great fucking timing). i really like her and want to be friends with her but i dont think thats what she wants and when we talk its super flirty and she says things to me that the girl i'm seeing never does and it's making me feel really dirty.[/QUOTE] Go get dirty you perv. You know you want to.

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48652049]Go get dirty you perv. You know you want to.[/QUOTE] well by talking to her more i found evidence that my room mate is still cheating on his girl, why am i the one who finds this shit out.

fucking lost. I'm basically crazy for this redheaded chick, I like her pic's on instagram. she likes my stuff back once or twice in awhile. She go's to my church. She has a twin brother. I caught her twin brother dipping chewing tobacco at the church. So I told someone, I felt like I needed too ya know? Like for his health and shit..I knew their parents wouldn't approve of him doing that. So now, I'm not sure what to do next. I'm just lost. Her brother and I were supposed to see a movie sometime but if he figures out what I did, I may never see her again