Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you
5,007 replies, posted
[QUOTE=Zenreon117;51063757]Okay so bus is off the table, there goes like 1/4 of my life. What about in the classroom? How do I sit close (in effort to strike up a conversation) with people I am attracted to when doing so seems ridiculously obvious, but, if I don't, those people on the other side of the class may as well not exist. I usually sit down, not knowing anyone, other people sit down in groups around me (but not next to) and I am stuck there for the rest of the term with my thumb up my ass hoping desperately that someone will accidentally stumble into a conversation with me. I am not afraid of interaction, or particularly bad at it, but I do have the feeling the people are afraid of me or something. I'm not disfigured or what I would consider below-average looking, and so I cannot for the life of me understand why I might as well be taking distance courses with the amount of social interaction I've gotten in the past 4 years of university. Then, even if I do get close to someone, there is the factor of distraction - that people are there to learn, and so do I avoid asking girls to hang out until classes are over? And if so doesn't that make me sound like a shallow asshole? Fuck me I don't understand any of this.
Also: Bonus round. What are the rules about looking at people? If I look at someone is it better to let myself be caught so as to allow the other person to potentially reciprocate with a smile or something, or is that completely overthinking things and I should just look at the ground? (And when I say look at people I mean at their faces, not their ass or whatever)[/QUOTE]
If you're in college, honestly just strike up a conversation with whoever you're sitting next to. In class, it's pretty simple to catch someone in a convo before the class actually starts. I started talking to this guy in my class because I liked the art project he was carrying around and then he offered me a cheat sheet to look over before we had a quiz that actually ended up saving my ass. So if I hadn't talked to him, I would've bombed it entirely lol.
But like it doesn't even necessarily mean just talk to girls, even talking to some of the guys in the class will give everyone else the impression that you're talkative and open to social interaction.
And like I said to someone else, try to join some extracurriculars! Get involved in a club or a volunteer group. I would steer away from frats or sororities (are those a thing in Canada idk...) since those can do a lot of harm but college campuses always have like a million social things going on at any one time. Hit up your school's tag on Twitter and see if there's anything crazy going on that you might be able to head out to. I don't do social events very often but if I ever do, I find out about them because Twitter is usually blowing up with it lol.
Also there's no rules about looking at people as long as you're not staring? If you make eye contact with someone, you just give a little smile and go back to what you were doing, unless you plan on asking them a question. That's just my default response.
But man, in class, just talk about the work you guys or doing or a test you're about to have or something. Starting off with common ground like what a class is about is an easy starter conversation. And then you can go into "what's your major?, what kind of stuff are you into? what do you wanna do when you graduate?" shit like that.
Easy peasy!
[editline]17th September 2016[/editline]
Also in college you're free to sit wherever you want... If you're sitting somewhere where no one is, just move to somewhere else the next day.
[QUOTE=blerb;51065248]You are an insufferable human being, RoboChimp.[/QUOTE]That's a bit harsh. Everyone said I wasn't the sort of person who should pursue a relationship and I agreed with them. I don't know what you're on about.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/Px9oBp3.png[/img]
[QUOTE=Pascall;51065262]If you're in college, honestly just strike up a conversation with [B]whoever you're sitting next to.[/B] In class, it's pretty simple to catch someone in a convo before the class actually starts. I started talking to this guy in my class because I liked the art project he was carrying around and then he offered me a cheat sheet to look over before we had a quiz that actually ended up saving my ass. So if I hadn't talked to him, I would've bombed it entirely lol.
[/quote]
Except my original problem is that people don't sit next to me unless the class is full. You address this later by telling me to 'just move' next class, but that seems easier said than done for me. I can show up early and sit down where I know there were people last class, but then they just sit elsewhere. If I show up late, then the groups are already sat down, and I suppose I could just sit next to one, but then when there is seats all around, doing so makes it obvious that I am desperate for social interaction. Like "Hey guys, I'm derp, I'm in so and so major." I can't imagine that ever going well except for people giving me a polite hi, perhaps entertaining a few things I have to say and then annoyedly putting up with this wierdo sitting next to them out of nowhere.
[quote]
But like it doesn't even necessarily mean just talk to girls, even talking to some of the guys in the class will give everyone else the impression that you're talkative and open to social interaction.[/quote] I do try to do that, but then typically where there are guys, girls aren't, and so I can talk to my buddy all I want, approaching someone not in the immediate seating area still comes with the same (perhaps false) taboos.
[quote]
And like I said to someone else, try to join some extracurriculars! Get involved in a club or a volunteer group. I would steer away from frats or sororities (are those a thing in Canada idk...) since those can do a lot of harm but college campuses always have like a million social things going on at any one time. Hit up your school's tag on Twitter and see if there's anything crazy going on that you might be able to head out to. I don't do social events very often but if I ever do, I find out about them because Twitter is usually blowing up with it lol.[/quote]
I suppose I could try this. I havent seen any groups that aren't sports or some specific christian denomination or major-specific, but I'll try. Even then, I'll have the same basic problem of how to approach people out of the blue. I've had best friends abandon me several times in my life, so maybe that's something that is coloring my opinion - something I must work on. I don't trust that people see me as anything but a temporary distraction/annoyance.
[quote]
Also there's no rules about looking at people as long as you're not staring? If you make eye contact with someone, you just give a little smile and go back to what you were doing, unless you plan on asking them a question. That's just my default response. [/quote]
Do I wait to see if they smile back, or do I just hide my gaze as soon as it's found? I suppose this touches on the idea that people have no idea what a person's intentions are and so, even though I would like to think I could figure out who to approach by simply seeing their reaction to me, I feel like this is probably wishful thinking.
[quote]
But man, in class, just talk about the work you guys or doing or a test you're about to have or something. Starting off with common ground like what a class is about is an easy starter conversation. And then you can go into "what's your major?, what kind of stuff are you into? what do you wanna do when you graduate?" shit like that.[/quote]
I've made conversation like that often enough. It's just it seems wierd if I find a person, sit down next to them (when obviously I could have set elsewhere with much more room), and start talking to them. It seems so blatently obvious as if I'm some creepy fuck. I suppose that's my default assumption of what people think of me. I don't know why. I guess it's because I have a hard time imagining people seeing me positively without me having helped them or something.
[quote]
Easy peasy!
[/quote]
yeah :/
[editline]17th September 2016[/editline]
[quote]
Also in college you're free to sit wherever you want... If you're sitting somewhere where no one is, just move to somewhere else the next day.[/QUOTE]
See above.
[QUOTE=Zenreon117;51065492]Except my original problem is that people don't sit next to me unless the class is full. You address this later by telling me to 'just move' next class, but that seems easier said than done for me. I can show up early and sit down where I know there were people last class, but then they just sit elsewhere. If I show up late, then the groups are already sat down, and I suppose I could just sit next to one, but then when there is seats all around, doing so makes it obvious that I am desperate for social interaction. Like "Hey guys, I'm derp, I'm in so and so major." I can't imagine that ever going well except for people giving me a polite hi, perhaps entertaining a few things I have to say and then annoyedly putting up with this wierdo sitting next to them out of nowhere.
I do try to do that, but then typically where there are guys, girls aren't, and so I can talk to my buddy all I want, approaching someone not in the immediate seating area still comes with the same (perhaps false) taboos.
I suppose I could try this. I havent seen any groups that aren't sports or some specific christian denomination or major-specific, but I'll try. Even then, I'll have the same basic problem of how to approach people out of the blue. I've had best friends abandon me several times in my life, so maybe that's something that is coloring my opinion - something I must work on. I don't trust that people see me as anything but a temporary distraction/annoyance.
Do I wait to see if they smile back, or do I just hide my gaze as soon as it's found? I suppose this touches on the idea that people have no idea what a person's intentions are and so, even though I would like to think I could figure out who to approach by simply seeing their reaction to me, I feel like this is probably wishful thinking.
I've made conversation like that often enough. It's just it seems wierd if I find a person, sit down next to them (when obviously I could have set elsewhere with much more room), and start talking to them. It seems so blatently obvious as if I'm some creepy fuck. I suppose that's my default assumption of what people think of me. I don't know why. I guess it's because I have a hard time imagining people seeing me positively without me having helped them or something.
yeah :/
[editline]17th September 2016[/editline]
See above.[/QUOTE]
overthinking it
it's college be social
[QUOTE=blerb;51065248]You are an insufferable human being, RoboChimp.[/QUOTE]
That's a real dickhead thing to say to someone just because they're lonely and frustrated. Give the guy a fucking break.
[QUOTE=Zenreon117;51065492]Except my original problem is that people don't sit next to me unless the class is full. You address this later by telling me to 'just move' next class, but that seems easier said than done for me. I can show up early and sit down where I know there were people last class, but then they just sit elsewhere. If I show up late, then the groups are already sat down, and I suppose I could just sit next to one, but then when there is seats all around, doing so makes it obvious that I am desperate for social interaction. Like "Hey guys, I'm derp, I'm in so and so major." I can't imagine that ever going well except for people giving me a polite hi, perhaps entertaining a few things I have to say and then annoyedly putting up with this wierdo sitting next to them out of nowhere. [/QUOTE]
You're really looking at approaching others the wrong way! People aren't naturally as harsh as you're making them out to be. Going up to others, asking if it's alright to sit with them and sitting down with them is perfectly normal. They're not going to think you're weird because you're seeking connections with others.
We are -all- desperately looking for connections and social interaction at some level. Everybody.
What I usually do when I meet new people is treat them the exact same way as I treat the friends I already have, just be natural and don't overthink what others feel about you- I guarantee they don't think as negatively about yourself as you do.
Also, eye contact is a very common and natural thing, smile when someone's gaze meets yours!
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51065206]Friendszones have fuck all to do with sexism, I could just as easily friendzone a girl who was attracted to me (not that any would be) without realising it. I know heaps of women who are just friends, but I'm not attracted to them. [/QUOTE]
I've experienced exactly this, there's been girls i've purposefully and accidentally friendzoned because I don't view them as "girlfriend" material.
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51065299]That's a bit harsh. Everyone said I wasn't the sort of person who should pursue a relationship and I agreed with them. I don't know what you're on about.[/QUOTE]
I wasn't saying that you weren't someone who should pursue a relationship, I was just saying that you need to work on some of your more notable interpersonal flaws- they're really hindering your ability to connect well with others, and -real- connection is very important in a relationship. By flaws, I mean stuff like your tendency to refuse to become friends with those who're already taken, and your own (seeming) lack of self-esteem. You can always improve as a person. I wasn't attacking you, I was just giving you some input on what you could work on improving to help you relate to others and make actual friends.
If anything, girls who are already taken are the best to befriend cause it means you don't have to give a fuck about trying to woo them
I am 19 and in my second year of uni. I think I might have a problem with drink, not that I feel I need one just that often I have no control on stopping drinking once I start to drink. Last three times I have gone clubbing I have ended up not remembering the majority of the night and made a general embarrassment of myself and doing stupid things and generally being a cunt.
Been drinking for about 4-5 years now and am regularly getting stupidly drunk. The problem is I don't want to stop drinking as I do have fun when I drink and stop myself at the right level.
Anyone got tips on how to stop yourself from going too far?
[QUOTE=daylightbeast;51065645]I am 19 and in my second year of uni. I think I might have a problem with drink, not that I feel I need one just that often I have no control on stopping drinking once I start to drink. Last three times I have gone clubbing I have ended up not remembering the majority of the night and made a general embarrassment of myself and doing stupid things and generally being a cunt.
Been drinking for about 4-5 years now and am regularly getting stupidly drunk. The problem is I don't want to stop drinking as I do have fun when I drink and stop myself at the right level.
Anyone got tips on how to stop yourself from going too far?[/QUOTE]
I usually bring a flask with a premeasured amount of vodka. I drink that, and if anyone tries to hoop me into some retarded drinking game I just point to my flask and say I'm already set. Its up to you to figure out what that premeasured amount is though.
[QUOTE=daylightbeast;51065645]I am 19 and in my second year of uni. I think I might have a problem with drink, not that I feel I need one just that often I have no control on stopping drinking once I start to drink. Last three times I have gone clubbing I have ended up not remembering the majority of the night and made a general embarrassment of myself and doing stupid things and generally being a cunt.
Been drinking for about 4-5 years now and am regularly getting stupidly drunk. The problem is I don't want to stop drinking as I do have fun when I drink and stop myself at the right level.
Anyone got tips on how to stop yourself from going too far?[/QUOTE]
I made a spreadsheet for my 21st birthday to calculate hourly BAC based on how many standard drinks I consumed each hour (I had an exam the next morning). Clearly the best way to go about it.
do you think robochimp subscribes to /r/redpill, /r/incel, or both
I think people coming for advice need to remind themselves sometimes that the people giving them advice aren't paid to do so and while they don't have all the answers they aren't going to satisfy someone's need for validation by telling them what they want to hear
Ultimately the problem I have with a lot of regular questioners in this thread is I guess the apparently lack of wanting to learn or change. Advice can only help people who are willing to make a solid change to their attitude and life at large and without that it's very easy to just fall into the same habit and show up here again 3 months later asking yet again why it doesn't seem to be working and blaming us for it or getting really defensive or whatever
This does not only apply to robochimp but to many people who have come in here over the years. like why ask for advice if you're not going to listen or just going to trash the person's advice once they've given it to you. It just seems like an exercise in frustration to me. This thread is a supportive environment but its not an environment where people are just going to tell you whatever you're doing is right if it's not right
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51065299]That's a bit harsh. Everyone said I wasn't the sort of person who should pursue a relationship and I agreed with them. I don't know what you're on about.[/QUOTE]
You're right, that was rude of me. My apologies. However, I still think your attitude towards relationships, women, changing yourself to suit new situations and socializing in general is insufferable.
I could say a whole lot right now, but honestly, there's not much left to say that I wouldn't be repeating. Everyone here who has the patience to try and help has said what I would have, and they said it a whole lot better than I could have. And yet, you still rationalize reasons as to why your actions and opinions are justified despite your reality saying the opposite.
Open yourself up to criticism a bit, don't be so quick to rationalize how someone here might be wrong, and introspect a little.
To me, there's a fairly obvious reason why you haven't had any luck with women: you view them as a conquest as opposed to an equal. I'm sure you'll have a good rationalization to dismiss my opinion pretty quickly, but once you're actually open to criticizing your own thought process, you'll come to understand my point.
I was exactly like you. Fairly recently, too. You wanna know what the most rewarding part of dating has been for me? Letting go of my incessant need to meet my ridiculous expectations in both women and relationships, regardless of how low the bar was. It makes socializing with women fun rather than stressful. If a pretty gal doesn't want anything serious with me, that's fine. I'm just there for the coffee and the conversation. Sounds like you need to be for a while, too.
[B]Well I'd like to thank most of you for I guess putting in the effort to help [/B]:class:
I think I misinterpreted don't ask a girl out on the bus' as 'don't make contact with her'. From then on I was just bitter.
[QUOTE=ZombieWaffle;51065579]I wasn't saying that you weren't someone who should pursue a relationship, I was just saying that you need to work on some of your more notable interpersonal flaws- they're really hindering your ability to connect well with others, and -real- connection is very important in a relationship. By flaws, I mean stuff like your tendency to refuse to become friends with those who're already taken, and your own (seeming) lack of self-esteem. You can always improve as a person. I wasn't attacking you, I was just giving you some input on what you could work on improving to help you relate to others and make actual friends.[/QUOTE] I was lying because I was annoyed, I've never actually refused to be friends with anyone, but at the same time I've never pursued a friendship with anyone I've been attracted to, I normally just part ways. I understand that a friendship can be valuable.
[QUOTE=killerteacup;51067125]I think people coming for advice need to remind themselves sometimes that the people giving them advice aren't paid to do so and while they don't have all the answers they aren't going to satisfy someone's need for validation by telling them what they want to hear
Ultimately the problem I have with a lot of regular questioners in this thread is I guess the apparently lack of wanting to learn or change. Advice can only help people who are willing to make a solid change to their attitude and life at large and without that it's very easy to just fall into the same habit and show up here again 3 months later asking yet again why it doesn't seem to be working and blaming us for it or getting really defensive or whatever
This does not only apply to robochimp but to many people who have come in here over the years. like why ask for advice if you're not going to listen or just going to trash the person's advice once they've given it to you. It just seems like an exercise in frustration to me. This thread is a supportive environment but its not an environment where people are just going to tell you whatever you're doing is right if it's not right[/QUOTE]
Because it's an act of desperation. Usually I ask for advice when I think there's a chance, then "the advice" reveals that it takes more time and effort than expected, meaning that I get told I need to work on my personality which from my in perspective could take years. The other thing that I often get told (not just from here) is; "don't seek out a relation it'll just happen when you least expect it" which from the perspective of a pessimistic person like me is often interpreted as "it's a lottery, you could meet your equal one day or not, just be really happy all the time no matter what happens" which can also be interpreted as condescending, confusing and just fuel's frustration, not the intention of the person giving advice, but that's how it comes off.
The other issue is that for someone like me who's never had anything but paid sex, I have a head full of preconceived romantic fantasy and when the reality or advise contradicts these ideas, it invokes a feeling of disappointment which then turns to anger and frustration.
I can see that most of you know that a relationship has to evolve from some sort of connection, but again I have very strong preconceptions which means my mind is searching for the person who more closely resembles these ideas. Although the odds were against it, I did meet someone very close who was already with someone. She was willing to talk to me but she didn't accept new people into her 'tight-knit' group of friends though. This crush pretty much made me hate myself even more and I became more bitter. And after I'd had that experience, any advice which didn't involve me meeting someone like that just wasn't acceptable. Which is why I don't like the advice involving a friendship evolving into a relationship, because it means I could meet someone adherer's to the preconceptions. I realise how ridiculous it sounds.
I know that's not right, but it would take a lot to break these ideas.
[QUOTE=blerb;51068273]You're right, that was rude of me. My apologies. However, I still think your attitude towards relationships, women, changing yourself to suit new situations and socializing in general is insufferable.
I could say a whole lot right now, but honestly, there's not much left to say that I wouldn't be repeating. Everyone here who has the patience to try and help has said what I would have, and they said it a whole lot better than I could have. And yet, you still rationalize reasons as to why your actions and opinions are justified despite your reality saying the opposite.
Open yourself up to criticism a bit, don't be so quick to rationalize how someone here might be wrong, and introspect a little.
To me, there's a fairly obvious reason why you haven't had any luck with women: you view them as a conquest as opposed to an equal. I'm sure you'll have a good rationalization to dismiss my opinion pretty quickly, but once you're actually open to criticizing your own thought process, you'll come to understand my point.
I was exactly like you. Fairly recently, too. You wanna know what the most rewarding part of dating has been for me? Letting go of my incessant need to meet my ridiculous expectations in both women and relationships, regardless of how low the bar was. It makes socializing with women fun rather than stressful. If a pretty gal doesn't want anything serious with me, that's fine. I'm just there for the coffee and the conversation. Sounds like you need to be for a while, too.[/QUOTE]The one thing you guys didn't pick up on is the jealousy, I see people in relationships and think; I wish I had that. I know it's immature or whatever. It honestly seems like I've just been really unlucky or that "mature" people are more enlightened than me.
Seems to me like you want to have a relationship with a girl just for the sake of having one. You're right in that your maturity could use some work, but me or them or the next person aren't exactly more or less enlightened than you or anyone else. I consider myself to be quite the social and mature fellow, but some situations still get to me and I don't know what proper procedure would be, or what I may have done wrong.
Don't view the whole relationship life as some mission you have to complete before you die or else you're a loser. You just end up beating yourself up over it more if it doesn't go right. Same applies to when you see a guy and a gal together. You probably view that guy as having achieved what you haven't managed yet. Do not look at it like this, because having a woman in your life should not be a goal, but rather just a thing that'll happen.
Honestly, just loose focus on women altogether and focus on bettering yourself as a person first.
[QUOTE=UntouchedShadow;51069020]Seems to me like you want to have a relationship with a girl just for the sake of having one. You're right in that your maturity could use some work, but me or them or the next person aren't exactly more or less enlightened than you or anyone else. I consider myself to be quite the social and mature fellow, but some situations still get to me and I don't know what proper procedure would be, or what I may have done wrong.
Don't view the whole relationship life as some mission you have to complete before you die or else you're a loser. You just end up beating yourself up over it more if it doesn't go right. Same applies to when you see a guy and a gal together. You probably view that guy as having achieved what you haven't managed yet. Do not look at it like this, because having a woman in your life should not be a goal, but rather just a thing that'll happen.
Honestly, just loose focus on women altogether and focus on bettering yourself as a person first.[/QUOTE]I have heard that before, but it's not easy. It's a hard thing to get over preconceptions, the jealously and the inferiority from not having been in one. As for working on myself, I think that's an uphill battle, that's just too arduous to think about.
It sounds like an uphill battle when the reward is that I'll just end up being better at accepting the fact that I'm single or could be from now until death. So I'm sure you can see why I'd have difficulty with this. It just doesn't sound worthwhile, so while I appreciate the input, but I don't feel any motivation to pursue your advice as I can't really see the benefit or value to doing what your saying. Again, it could take years for my entire personality to improve, the very thought is just too daunting.
Again this idea that I'll just meet someone at some random moment isn't exactly encouraging, it sounds like an unlikely possibility that I have to accept more than anything.
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51069127]I have heard that before, but it's not easy. It's a hard thing to get over preconceptions, the jealously and the inferiority from not having been in one. As for working on myself, I think that's an uphill battle, that's just too arduous to think about.
It sounds like an uphill battle when the reward is that I'll just end up being better at accepting the fact that I'm single or could be from now until death. So I'm sure you can see why I'd have difficulty with this. It just doesn't sound worthwhile, so while I appreciate the input, but I don't feel any motivation to pursue your advice as I can't really see the benefit or value to doing what your saying. Again, it could take years for my entire personality to improve, the very thought is just too daunting.
Again this idea that I'll just meet someone at some random moment isn't exactly encouraging, it sounds like an unlikely possibility that I have to accept more than anything.[/QUOTE]
Seems like you dont want to change but want everything to change around you?
"Working on improving myself is hard so I'm just going to resign myself to being miserable for the rest of my life"
Are you serious? There is no final result to self-improvement. The whole point of it is the struggle, not the result. Everyone starts out with different problems and obstacles to overcome in their life. It doesn't matter how far you get in your personal goals. It only matters that you try.
[QUOTE=killerteacup;51069161]Seems like you dont want to change but want everything to change around you?[/QUOTE]Or that I want a approval from you guys to go on a date without having to go through a life changing journey of discovered and enlightenment before hand.
Self improvement is about improving little by little but you don't seem to want to do even that, dude.
[editline]18th September 2016[/editline]
No one is saying you can't go on a date but if you can't bypass the bitterness you have towards the "try-and-fail" methodology - which everyone has to go through btw - then you're not gonna get anywhere.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;51069224]"Working on improving myself is hard so I'm just going to resign myself to being miserable for the rest of my life"
Are you serious? There is no final result to self-improvement. The whole point of it is the struggle, not the result. Everyone starts out with different problems and obstacles to overcome in their life. It doesn't matter how far you get in your personal goals. It only matters that you try.[/QUOTE]I'm just objecting to the fact I have to fix my entire psychology before I attempt a relationship. Can't I just find a girl who has the same issues?
I just don't want to have to wait until I'm at a more mature point in life.
[QUOTE=Pascall;51069254]Self improvement is about improving little by little but you don't seem to want to do even that, dude.
[editline]18th September 2016[/editline]
No one is saying you can't go on a date but if you can't bypass the bitterness you have towards the "try-and-fail" methodology - which everyone has to go through btw - then you're not gonna get anywhere.[/QUOTE]
I'm not sure what you mean?
You've said before that you hold a lot of contempt for the fact that you "have to try to be everyone's friend" before dating. But no one specifically said that. What you DO have to do before attempting to date is learning how to treat people with respect, don't put them up on a pedestal of "potential relationship" before you even know them, and don't act like a bitter jerk when someone says they're not interested or are already in a relationship. Unless someone is actively spiting you, which I doubt, then it's not fair to be angry because you made the quick assumption that this is someone who could jump into "date" territory before you even found out everything about them.
You don't have to be friends with everyone. But you should talk to people as if they were a potential FRIEND. Not a potential relationship. Especially if you don't know them. I guarantee you that'll work out like 99% better in your favor and will lead to less disappointment because you're not immediately diving into a conversation in hopes for a date.
Changing your perspective on how you approach people is the only major change that NEEDS to happen before you can see positive results that you can feel good about. I'm not saying you still won't get rejected - because, again, everyone does! - but it does make it easier because you're not saying "I want a date!", you're saying "I want a conversation!"
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51069321]I'm just objecting to the fact I have to fix my entire psychology before I attempt a relationship.
I just don't want to have to wait until I'm at a more mature point in life.[/QUOTE]
No one is saying this man. What they're saying is that you shouldn't even be thinking about a relationship if you're not content being without one. A relationship isn't going to fill the void in your life and being in one with your current outlook will likely make things worse.
Also, you should never go out and actively seek out a relationship. Just talk to people and if you meet someone you really like and they like you back, then good. You will know when this happens as well because talking to them will seem effortless, like talking to someone you've known for years and gazing into their eyes will make your heart flutter. This is my experience with this kind of stuff at least.
[QUOTE=Darth Ninja;51069397]No one is saying this man. What they're saying is that you shouldn't even be thinking about a relationship if you're not content being without one. A relationship isn't going to fill the void in your life and being in one with your current outlook will likely make things worse.[/QUOTE]
People have said that before but I don't subscribe to that school of thought.It comes across as "you could meet your equal one day or not, just be really happy all the time no matter what happens" to be honest it does come across as a patronising version of "you need to reach a higher form of maturity". Now I'm think of looking for a relationship just to prove this wrong.
[QUOTE=Darth Ninja;51069397]Also, you should never go out and actively seek out a relationship. Just talk to people and if you meet someone you really like and they like you back, then good. You will know when this happens as well because talking to them will seem effortless, like talking to someone you've known for years and gazing into their eyes will make your heart flutter. This is my experience with this kind of stuff at least.[/QUOTE]Yeah ok, that sounds like a great experience, but it just seems really unlikely. I'll talk to more people fine, but you can't find something if you're not looking it.
I'm just going to keep talking and asking people out if I like them.
But just because I don't agree with this particular school of thought, doesn't mean I'm oppose to all advice.
The thing about the advice "don't go looking for it", is that it's not entirely literal. Or, at least, it shouldn't be.
Don't go looking for it essentially means that if you constantly treat every person you see as someone to date, then you will constantly be disappointed because there are such diverse populations of people that a huge percentage of them are gonna be in a relationship, not of the same sexual orientation, or just not interested! And so you're setting yourself up for failure in that regard.
It's okay to be on the lookout for a relationship. But not just for the[I] sake[/I] of one. Look for relationships with people you build connections with and look for relationships both romantic AND platonic to build your network and your social standing with others.
Look for PEOPLE. Not for a potential mate.
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