Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

Part of the reason people ghost is because the person being ghosted just isn't getting the hint. I got ghosted several times when I was actively dating and it definitely sucks - I'm not justifying it or saying it's a good thing to do - but I can understand why people do it. Not only is it not your job to give someone you went on one date with advice about how to live their life, but it is 100% not your fucking business. If people were texting you reviews of who you are as a person every time you went on a bad first date, you would be here complaining about that instead right now. As other people in this thread have said before me, there is no such thing as closure. There is no best-case scenario with rejection. I have had to do both in different situations. I did ghost a guy once because we initially started talking under the pretense of being friends. We originally just talked on Steam occasionally, but after a while he started flirting and a few days before I blocked him I had to lecture him about not texting me at 3 in the morning when I have class at 8. I repeatedly tried to put up boundaries - I didn't want to talk to him 24/7, or even every day, but I couldn't get on Steam without him harassing me and complaining if I didn't respond. He repeatedly ignored those boundaries. He continued to message me on OKC, Steam, and texts (after the first two were blocked) occasionally for the next month and a half. I hope I am stating the obvious here, but if you are dealing with someone who will continue to try to contact a person they know nothing about for a month and a half after you have blocked communication with them, a chat about boundaries isn't going to magically fix your situation. I made my boundaries clear and they were not seen. Sometimes when someone "ghosts" you, there will be plenty of clues to what happened - the issue might just be that you were too dense to see them. Maybe they put up boundaries and you didn't recognize them. Maybe after talking about your values, they realized they didn't line up. Usually I try to be honest with the guys I date. Once, I turned someone down after a date, I was pretty honest with my reasons (he has some health issues which lead to him being way less physically active than I am/I would want a partner to be) and he threw a tantrum and got mad at me for leading him on etc. I was as polite as possible about it but based on his reaction I assume he got nothing out of my explanation but a bruised ego. For the record, he did press me for an explanation, otherwise I would have kept it a bit more vague. Part of me wishes that I had ghosted him because I basically rejected him over a health condition that he has very little control over. If I was in his position, I wouldn't have wanted to know the reason. Sometimes the reason people ghost is just because there is no tactful way to give them the truth.

It doesn't need to be a review or even critique. "Not interested" is enough. It's less confusing/scary. Also the boundaries is precedent. People I'm talking about ghosting me are literally not even giving me that much. It comes odd and out of the blue when things seemed friendly and cool. You're talking about escaping a persistent creep you clearly warned. As for the last part I'd sugar coat it a bit. That sounds kinda blunt and definitely out of his control like you said. I'm pretty sure ghosting would've been near as hurtful though. Not my type probably could've worked, it's technically the truth since your type is physically active. Of course I can't really relate these situations to mine. My ghosters I'm fretting about aren't dates or lovers. They're long standing friends that blocked me with no precedent or explanation. One I was literally just saying hi and catching up after a long time with no problems in sight when it happened. Practically literally just got to how you been phrases. Been sitting on my Facebook list for all those years but if I actually decide to reconnect that's spooky or something? Dunno. Other one is a close friend that randomly blocked me without any words for at least a month and no recent drama before then either since my computer was down for awhile before I talked to him again. Maybe he found me linking him videos and news I think he'd like occasionally annoying? That seems like a simple "stop" to me. The leading on guy sounded like a good call besides the brutal bluntness. "Leading me on" seems like an odd response to a first date cutoff. Only time I've thought about ghosting someone is when I was afraid that if I talk to them I'll forgive them and continue putting up with bullshit. I mean I did. Still do. Don't really regret it actually. He did stab me in the back and he's a really bad influence tbh, though. In short I think your boundaries story has enough precedent and the health issues story I think ghosting would've been just as harmful, he likely would've rationalized that or worse but I do think it could've had some sweetener. When they get mad as hell and refute your explanations I think that's your free pass, they really aughta be able to put that together. The reason I don't like ghosting is a lot of the time it's scary to me because it comes out of nowhere and leaves me wondering why. With this happening I'm now getting nervous about it happening more since I have no clues pointing to why this shit happened, so I have no way to know how to not cause more of these things. The friends came from a school loaded with people with social disorders by design so maybe it's some kinda weird paranoia or spectrum thing? I've been avoiding confiding with people I know because I'm nervous talking about emotion and such is killing their vibe or some shit and could be a part of this It's very possible it's something stupid. The old female friend thinking I'm just reconnecting to be after her heart or the old friend taking out his relationship stress on our friendship again... Idk but not knowing is making it hard to get over.

I don't think it's nice to get ghosted or ghost someone, if they have texted you or you text someone at least there should be a brief exchange of words or something. I got ghosted about a week ago though, no replies at all.

Hang in there, it could be something else. [editline]23rd September 2016[/editline] I *might* be being ignored by this one girl but with her I can never really tell and I'm scared to ask because I don't wanna accuse. Last time this happened she thought I was ignoring her because of phone issues so I can never tell if my shit made it to her and vice versa or not. Also major possibility of just being busy and such, seems like that kinda girl. Maybe also just not the replying type, dunno. I've found that a lot of our conversations go [quote] Hi Hey! How's it going?[/quote] then nothing so idk what's going on, this same kind of convo has happened at least twice. I think her mom tweaks with her service or something, didn't seem to have service when I went to Kings Island with her. Maybe iMessage is just being ass with wifi. Hasn't removed me from snapchat or any other such quantifiable red flags though, which is nice. [editline]23rd September 2016[/editline] Plus when I first reconnected and got her number we had tons of error messages trying to get texting each other to work

[QUOTE=VenomousBeetle;51095722]As for the last part I'd sugar coat it a bit. That sounds kinda blunt and definitely out of his control like you said. I'm pretty sure ghosting would've been near as hurtful though. Not my type probably could've worked, it's technically the truth since your type is physically active.[/QUOTE] What I said specifically (but maybe with different words) was that I lead a pretty active lifestyle and am looking for a relationship with someone I can share that with. I didn't explicitly mention his health issues but they were the reason our second date went poorly enough for me to cut things off. My best friend happens to have the same health issues so it absolutely killed me to tell this guy that I could never date him because of those issues, because in a way it felt like I was telling my best friend that I find him undateable for the same reasons. My best friend constantly worries that his health issues will get in the way of his ability to have a relationship, and I felt just as bad telling my best friend about what happened as I did rejecting the guy just because of how unfair the whole situation was. [QUOTE=VenomousBeetle;51095722]When they get mad as hell and refute your explanations I think that's your free pass, they really aughta be able to put that together. The reason I don't like ghosting is a lot of the time it's scary to me because it comes out of nowhere and leaves me wondering why.[/QUOTE] My point with the guy who didn't respect my boundaries was: how do you know you're not in that situation, and you're not that guy? I think in your situation, with long-term friends etc, it's a lot harder to tell what's going on, so it might not be relevant to your situation (I think we have two conversations going on about this in the thread right now - ghosting in relation to your situation, and ghosting in general, like in dating in particular). When it comes to being ghosted while dating, there are a lot of cases like this where one person's view of "normal" dating dynamics is completely different from the other person's. One person might think it's socially acceptable to text the other person every hour of every day and not understand when that person doesn't want to talk to them anymore. You can't fix crazy. You can just get yourself away from the situation before it gets worse.

Because we haven't had such things. No "hey this isn't ok" or nothing, last time we talked we were on good terms and there's been silence for a while. I would've picked up on something, if he spelled out guidelines I'd follow them. I'm literally the kind of person who jumps off stuff because friends wanted to see it. I should probably stop that kinda thing but.. Anyways point is if it is something like that there's poor communication. I've also apologized to him for transgressions from long ago before. It's very possible I sent him a trailer while something stressful and unrelated happened and he blocked me in rage because it's happened before. He told me it when he unblocked me. I don't feel like getting our mutual friend to mediate again. I already had suspicions that I can't trust him like I used to, anyway. I understand your link to mental illness but I think at that point you get a free pass like I said. [editline]23rd September 2016[/editline] Your guilt about that situation with the health issues is admirable imo. The empathy I mean. I also think it's cool you stuck to your decision despite those feelings because I'm not sure I could. I'm not good at being the divider, and pushing for what I want

[QUOTE=VenomousBeetle;51095835]I understand your link to mental illness but I think at that point you get a free pass like I said.[/QUOTE] One of the defining factors of being crazy is that you do not know you are crazy. For people who complain about being ghosted, it's totally possible they set off a huge red flag with their behavior without realizing it. There are a lot of different reasons people ghost and some of them don't even have to do with the person in question. Someone might withdraw socially because of depression or stress. As for your friend ghosting you - he does not sound like an ideal "best friend". I don't mean to accuse you whatsoever by saying this - I know basically nothing about you - but when it comes to your friends ghosting you, you are still the common denominator. Maybe it's the type of company you keep, or just your perception of the situation, or maybe it has something to do with how you've handled your relationships lately.

I already knew he had some quirks but I'm not the kind to push people away and I liked the guy. I do need new friends probably.

[QUOTE=Dave_Parker;51095162]I got ghosted by a love interest a few weeks ago. Met her again randomly last saturday and she wanted to meet up again. Turned her down right there. Felt good tbh.[/QUOTE] Believe me or not, but actually there's a lot of girls whose thought something around this line; "I'm somewhat pretty. Boys will come even if I don't do anything, so I'll have one anytime I want" Now, either you can accept and use them, or you can satisfy our pride by shunning them back. Either way is good.

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;49595811]huh so this has been a...weird...couple of days. so on wednesday i went to get dinner with the girl i've liked for a while and it was great and conversation was free flowing and stuff so it was neat and when i took her back home before she got out of the car i asked her out but all of my charm and general suave went out the fucking window so it kind of came out like "uh hey so uh i don't know if you're busy but uh would you want to like *cough* uh go out some time or something? with me, i mean" and she was like "YEAH" and it was kind of loud and surprised me and then she said "dude it's about time" which was also weird so anyway we went out tonight and grabbed dinner at like 6 and she was like "i'm so glad you asked but also was surprised because i definitely thought you friendzoned me and i was sad for like six months" so after like five minutes of processing that i was like "...what" and then that led to a weird conversation that was actually super great and then we went to go play minigolf in the rain where she soundly destroyed me (tbh it was pathetic) and then when we were done we went up to a mountain thingy by our school where there are a lot of like benches and overviews and shit and it was pretty and also cold and in what was by far my smoothest move of the night once we were on the bench i just said "YAWN" and put my arm around her shoulder (feel free to steal that one) anyway we ended up staying up there for like five hours which was a questionable decision but anyway it all went really well and we clearly like each other very much so we're gonna go out again as soon as possible, provided she is not already sick of me and also at one point i was like "i was so nervous and worried about it that i'm kind of surprised you said yes" and she was like "it's fine i thought it was adorable" so anyway just be yourself and eventually something will work out and you'll bumble your way into things[/QUOTE] hey weird this was 8 months ago exactly i like that this is documented still, i can remember exactly how i felt that day anyway we're still going strong and it's basically perfect so if you have questions about how to have a perfect relationship just let me know we've been dating 8 months so like i'm basicaly an expert

crosspost from wayt since this seems a more appropriate thread [QUOTE=Ninja Gnome;51097764]would it be in bad taste to see if a friend of a friend wants to hang out when my friend is currently pissed off at the person i want to hang out with [editline]24th September 2016[/editline] like, i had fun hanging out with her and i'd like to get to know her and her friend more. not even on a romantic level, i just had fun with them the other night and would like to make more friends. its just a weird situation with my friend and her right now and i think it would suck if i couldn't hang with them again because my friend no longer wants to hang out with her.[/QUOTE] [editline]24th September 2016[/editline] i'm actually kind of interested in her friend but i never got a chance to get her number so i can't really get in contact with her any other way that i can think of

oh shit oh shit oh shit So there's a situation, my best friend (he is currently serving in army, will be back next march)broke up with a girl I know in June, and since that I've been helping her get over it, just general emotional support stuff (she took it pretty hard, was suicidal for two months). We talked before over facebook but not that often. But after their breakup she started to message me a LOT, and we quickly became friends. She shares everything with me, we have lots of things in common (art stuff, music, views on life). I enjoyed our friendship. But I've been noticing that I am becoming jealous when she diverts her attention (for example, she decided to finally get over him and seek a boyfriend, and she already contacted someone). And if my previous experience is anything to go by, this is how my feelings start. How to prevent that from happening and just enjoy our friendship? I don't want it ruined by me getting angry over her not paying enough attention to me, or other dumb jealousy stuff. Don't want to crush on her. I've had enough of it in the past, as it already destroyed my friendship with a girl from my uni.

Yeah, but I usually have a hard time controlling my emotions. They take over any rational thought I have

Pretty much what Renegade said. We are irrational beings. All of us are swayed by our emotions on a regular basis. The important thing is to recognize that your emotions do not have control over your actions. You can experience an emotion, like jealousy, and not act on it. Just recognizing the emotions you have and allowing yourself to feel them without judging yourself for it usually disempowers them. [editline]24th September 2016[/editline] My communication professor used to say that if you try to control someone, you end up giving them control over you. It's kind of like that. You don't need to "control" your emotions, since that only makes it worse - just focus on your actions.

Will try that. Hopefully it doesn't escalate into something as horrible as before. (and if all else fails, at least we can laugh about that, which didn't exactly work with the girl from uni)

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;51099669]Pretty much what Renegade said. We are irrational beings. All of us are swayed by our emotions on a regular basis. The important thing is to recognize that your emotions do not have control over your actions. You can experience an emotion, like jealousy, and not act on it. Just recognizing the emotions you have and allowing yourself to feel them without judging yourself for it usually disempowers them.[/QUOTE] This is helping me a lot right now (emotions in general, not jealousy), thanks. I need to like print this out and put it on my wall or something. "Your emotions do not control you, and you do not control your emotions. Co-exist with yourself."

[QUOTE=SonicXV;51101633]This is helping me a lot right now (emotions in general, not jealousy), thanks. I need to like print this out and put it on my wall or something. "Your emotions do not control you, and you do not control your emotions. Co-exist with yourself."[/QUOTE] Not a bad idea you got there. I personally just collect helpful posts like that and mass collect them as signed quotes in a notepad folder on my computer. The peeps in this thread tend to dish out some damn good wisdom and philosophies on a regular basis, so having some way to keep those sorts of positive and helpful insights out in the open as a reminder would be pretty helpful too.

This might sounds weird, but nowdays I like to let myself go/not being so presentable, just to see which people/girls still accept/like me. It's almost like a game. Of course my likeability rate went down, but I think I'll be able to find better friends this way. It's boring when we make ourselves kind of presentable, and people are approaching us because of that. Seeing which people will take us seriously when we're dressing like a penniless man, and which would shun us down, is very interesting. I had a lot of laugh that way. But it also made me realize that 90% of the time, people will just go for the appearance. Kind of make me sad.

[QUOTE=hakimhakim;51103512]This might sounds weird, but nowdays I like to let myself go/not being so presentable, just to see which people/girls still accept/like me. It's almost like a game. Of course my likeability rate went down, but I think I'll be able to find better friends this way. It's boring when we make ourselves kind of presentable, and people are approaching us because of that. Seeing which people will take us seriously when we're dressing like a penniless man, and which would shun us down, is very interesting. I had a lot of laugh that way. But it also made me realize that 90% of the time, people will just go for the appearance. Kind of make me sad.[/QUOTE] First impressions are what they are, people only have appearance when they first meet somebody

I easily overthink things, does anyone have tips for not doing that?

i got a job interview tomorrow but i face a dilemma. i haven't got great clothes for it, i have a pair of dark maroon/red pants and a white dress shirt. i do have fitting shoes for it though. problem is i have $20 which i can use for either a haircut, a better fitting shirt or a pair of black pants.

Go for a pair of black pants.

[QUOTE=bdd458;51103529]I easily overthink things, does anyone have tips for not doing that?[/QUOTE] Let yourself overthink then. If you get yourself into a chain of "what ifs", actually follow that line of thought until the end. Try to come up with the worst case scenario and then keep going from there. Once you actually try to imagine the worst possible outcome, you'll probably realize it isn't that bad. [editline]25th September 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=hakimhakim;51103512]This might sounds weird, but nowdays I like to let myself go/not being so presentable, just to see which people/girls still accept/like me. It's almost like a game. Of course my likeability rate went down, but I think I'll be able to find better friends this way. It's boring when we make ourselves kind of presentable, and people are approaching us because of that. Seeing which people will take us seriously when we're dressing like a penniless man, and which would shun us down, is very interesting. I had a lot of laugh that way. But it also made me realize that 90% of the time, people will just go for the appearance. Kind of make me sad.[/QUOTE] Not taking care of your appearance signifies that you don't care what other people think of you. You could almost say it's disrespectful to show up looking like that - it's like saying you don't value others' opinions and don't want them to see you at your best.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;51103561] Not taking care of your appearance signifies that you don't care what other people think of you. You could almost say it's disrespectful to show up looking like that - it's like saying you don't value others' opinions and don't want them to see you at your best.[/QUOTE] Hey that's probably it. Never look at it that way before. Now I felt sorry for them. I should get my act together at work, at least. But I am a selfish person at heart, and could't give two bits to other's opinion. So it's difficult to be considerate spontaneously.

I've been in an LDR for like eight months with a really nice Chinese girl I met while studying in China like a year ago. You guys would probably shoot it down, like most people, but I felt like telling someone. It's going well actually, it's always possible it could fail, but why mess with it, it's given me so much more motivation, my Chinese has improved dramatically and she's really just been a great part of my life, even if it were to end before we get together for some reason I think it will have been a positive experience. If you've got enough confidence, self discipline and an attitude that can deal with separation if it comes to that, I think it's a good experience to go through.

Alright lads. I went back to uni yesterday and went to some predrinks at a friend of a friends house, and they have a new housemate and she seems pretty cool. How do I start a conversation with her without adding her on facebook and messaging her like some sort of stalker. We didn't really talk much yesterday and the house I was at isn't the sort of place I can just turn up to. Just to make it clear, I have no issues with talking to people/girls, it's just how do I get myself into the situation where I can talk to her.

[QUOTE=ElectronicG19;51103674]Alright lads. I went back to uni yesterday and went to some predrinks at a friend of a friends house, and they have a new housemate and she seems pretty cool. How do I start a conversation with her without adding her on facebook and messaging her like some sort of stalker. We didn't really talk much yesterday and the house I was at isn't the sort of place I can just turn up to. Just to make it clear, I have no issues with talking to people/girls, it's just how do I get myself into the situation where I can talk to her.[/QUOTE] Buy a PS4 and tell your friend that you're staying over to leech off their internet because the PS4 need major updating and you only have prepaid internet. Then invite everybody to play while you're updating/downloading a lot of inane shits overnight. Use the PS4 to watch movie/Netflix with them, which will slow down internet speed even more, which will allow you to spend more time with your prospect.

Or just add her on Facebook and send something straightforward like. "Hey, we didn't really get a chance to talk and I think you're cute, so I added you, wanna go do something this weekend?" [editline]26th September 2016[/editline] If she's interested she's interested, if she's not she's not.

I'm crushing hard on my neighbor (the one I slept with) now. This morning when the two of us were having coffee in the yard I tried to toe flirt a little but I miscalculated the distance between our feet and left a big brown mark on her otherwise spotless white shoes :v: Not sure how many of you remember but I went away for a week the day after we slept together and when I got back we were friendly towards each other but I think there was a mutual feeling of weirdness between us. Now we have gotten closer and started to be comfortable with touching as in small hugs and stuff. I have no idea whether she's starting to like me as well or if it's just the weirdness that is wearing off but she doesn't seem to be a very touchy person. I want to do something with her so I can try to kiss her but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out fitting stuff to do, any suggestions? I would prefer to keep it casual and stay in our dorm because I'm broke.

[QUOTE=reevezy67;51103666]I've been in an LDR for like eight months with a really nice Chinese girl I met while studying in China like a year ago. You guys would probably shoot it down, like most people, but I felt like telling someone. It's going well actually, it's always possible it could fail, but why mess with it, it's given me so much more motivation, my Chinese has improved dramatically and she's really just been a great part of my life, even if it were to end before we get together for some reason I think it will have been a positive experience. If you've got enough confidence, self discipline and an attitude that can deal with separation if it comes to that, I think it's a good experience to go through.[/QUOTE] Similar story here, I've been in an LDR for over two months now. I don't really get why everyone shoots it down tbh. Yes, it's hard, but as long as you're good at communicating and you actually trust the other person, it's very possible.