Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

[QUOTE=UntouchedShadow;51193161]I get mixed opinions about this particular thing. It's always either don't say anything because you sound needy, or it's wait a day or two and then message again or it'll seem like you don't really care. Well whatever now, just another lost cause. Im sure as hell not going to send anymore messages because I honestly can't be arsed to hold someone's attention like that for longer than I need to. If she honestly just loses interest in me all of a sudden like that, I'm out.[/QUOTE] you really gotta chill out dude

Damn. So I asked her out and told her if she wanted to go for a coffee on Saturday. She said that she would love to but that that weekend she was going to be in her parents hometown. I tikd her to message me if she had some free time another day. And she just replied with: Sure! So, did I blow it? Should I have not asked if she had another free day? Was her parents thing an excuse not to meet up with me? Is she ever going to message me back, or will no more "free days" exist? I'm sorry I'm so worried, but this is my first time doing this stuff.

Just ask when she IS free. [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] Actually, you may want to phrase it like, "Do you know what days you'll be free?"

[QUOTE=Pascall;51193543]Just ask when she IS free. [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] Actually, you may want to phrase it like, "Do you know what days you'll be free?"[/QUOTE] So what, just wait for a couple of weeks and then ask her? Wouldn't that seem awkard after I told her she was the one who would tell me?

N-No. Just ask her right now dude. But if you phrase it like I said, then it'll give her a chance to say "I'm not sure just yet, but I'll let you know." Which is essentially her saying she's not super interested.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51193563]N-No. Just ask her right now dude. But if you phrase it like I said, then it'll give her a chance to say "I'm not sure just yet, but I'll let you know." Which is essentially her saying she's not super interested.[/QUOTE] So its just a gamble then?

Sure. Relationships, platonic or otherwise, are always a risk. People are people and people can say no at any moment or change their mind or decide that they're not super fond of you. So. Y'know. Easier to just go in with that mindset of hey, it might work, it might not.

Welp, she said " I don't know yet" Thanks everyone, hope you enjoyed the show, because it will never try again since its a failure.

[QUOTE=Ctrl;51193703]Welp, she said " I don't know yet" Thanks everyone, hope you enjoyed the show, because it will never try again since its a failure.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=NixNax123;51193443]you really gotta chill out dude[/QUOTE] seriously though just brush it off and move on. the more experience you have, the easier handling this stuff will be

Rejection is gonna happen, my guy. It's not the end of the world.

[QUOTE=Ctrl;51193703]Welp, she said " I don't know yet" Thanks everyone, hope you enjoyed the show, because it will never try again since its a failure.[/QUOTE] There will be a million other girls who you'll get along with better. She's just one person.

[QUOTE=NixNax123;51193443]you really gotta chill out dude[/QUOTE] You make it sound like I'm losing my shit over this. Guess the tone of my post sounded pissy.

[QUOTE=NixNax123;51193707]seriously though just brush it off and move on. the more experience you have, the easier handling this stuff will be[/QUOTE] You've mixed up two people I think. Anyways, should I keep waiting or just give up? And it's kind of a big deal, since she is the only one who has showed interest in me that way.

[QUOTE=Ctrl;51193791]You've mixed up two people I think. Anyways, should I keep waiting or just give up? And it's kind of a big deal, since she is the only one who has showed interest in me that way.[/QUOTE] "i don't know yet" means no

[QUOTE=Ctrl;51193791]You've mixed up two people I think. Anyways, should I keep waiting or just give up? And it's kind of a big deal, since she is the only one who has showed interest in me that way.[/QUOTE] Nah that advice goes for the both of us. Move on to the next, try again and hope for the best. You've lost nothing after all.

[QUOTE=UntouchedShadow;51193776]You make it sound like I'm losing my shit over this. Guess the tone of my post sounded pissy.[/QUOTE] i meant that in a more general sense, not that you seemed pissy. "chill out" as in don't overthink things, and just let people be. like with texting, don't put that much thought into it. just use it as a tool to set up dates (and don't spend too much time shooting the shit, chances are she'll will have girlfriends she does that with already). [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Ctrl;51193791]You've mixed up two people I think. Anyways, should I keep waiting or just give up? And it's kind of a big deal, since she is the only one who has showed interest in me that way.[/QUOTE] no i didn't; you're saying stuff like "never try again", "failure", "it's kind of a big deal". place more importance on yourself; is she worth your time and effort? [B]just because somebody shows interest in you, doesn't mean they are worth your time.[/B] what matters is what YOU think. if you [I]really[/I] do like her (do you like her because she likes you, or do you like her because she brings something to the table that no other girl has done before?), then give it one more shot. if not, move on. [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] and i don't want to burst your bubble, but if the first reason you give as this being a "big deal" is that "she showed interest in me", chances are she isn't that special.

Hi Facepunch. I have been freshly out of a long term relationship for heading towards 5 months now, and I would love to say that I am feeling myself moving on a little. However, I'm really not, and I feel close to how I felt when the break up happened. I have met lots of new people, but I don't fancy dating any time soon, but even as friends, I can't seem to get that same connection with anyone else. I think part of it is that I don't want to, so maybe I'm not letting myself? I'm not quite sure what it is (apart from that obviously I loved ((and I think I still do somehow)) my ex an awful lot, and I had a good connection with them). I have asked for some advice from people I am close with, some people saying I should get with other people, which I find near impossible, considering that barely any guys appeal to me anymore- they're not who I want (and who I want, hates me, though I am happy that they are happy now and I wish them the best in life). I was just wandering what people would suggest in this shit situation? Nothing involving getting with other people because it would hurt my feelings; I'd feel guilty, and disloyal to the person I still have feelings for (who I'm not even with anymore, stupid, right?). Also, would appreciate any advice on loneliness, missing someone (I cannot contact them, they wanted to be left alone), and getting better sleep due to disturbed sleep due to all these mixed feelings. Sorry for the massive wall of text, any help is much appreciated, I know I cannot stay like this forever, and I HAVE to move on, especially given circumstances of how break up was initiated and such. I deserved more respect.

i think my advice to you is focus on yourself for a little bit. focus on making yourself happy; part if you is obviously still connected to this ex, or else you wouldn't feel that guilt. try to maintain a sense of happiness through independence. go hiking, pick up a hobby, and do some social stuff when you're ready (doesn't have to be stuff like parties, can be stuff like yoga classes or just reconnecting with old friends). you don't need to "connect" with anyone right now other than yourself, and learning to connect with yourself is a skill that is essential towards not only living alone, but also towards fulfilling relationshps understand that this feeling of not being able to connect with anyone is natural after something like this (even though it was 5 months, which is relatively short for some people, the emotional bond can be extremely strong). this is normal and the only thing that truly helps it is time. so in that time, live a little!

[QUOTE=NixNax123;51193886]i meant that in a more general sense, not that you seemed pissy. "chill out" as in don't overthink things, and just let people be. like with texting, don't put that much thought into it. just use it as a tool to set up dates (and don't spend too much time shooting the shit, chances are she'll will have girlfriends she does that with already). [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] no i didn't; you're saying stuff like "never try again", "failure", "it's kind of a big deal". place more importance on yourself; is she worth your time and effort? [B]just because somebody shows interest in you, doesn't mean they are worth your time.[/B] what matters is what YOU think. if you [I]really[/I] do like her (do you like her because she likes you, or do you like her because she brings something to the table that no other girl has done before?), then give it one more shot. if not, move on. [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] and i don't want to burst your bubble, but if the first reason you give as this being a "big deal" is that "she showed interest in me", chances are she isn't that special.[/QUOTE] And what can I do to try again? How long should I wait, what should I say?

i honestly think you should think this through a little longer, give it a day or two to conclude that she's really worth it (hint: don't assume she is and try to convince yourself she isn't, assume she isn't and convince yourself she is). if you decide she really is, then wait a week or two and hit her up. "hey, you wanna grab some food sometime soon? i'm free (day)"

[QUOTE=Ctrl;51193954]And what can I do to try again? How long should I wait, what should I say?[/QUOTE] Why do you want to try again?

[QUOTE=killerteacup;51193966]Why do you want to try again?[/QUOTE] Why shouldn't I? There could be dozens of reasons why she said no today, who knows what she'll say on another occasion?

[QUOTE=GisG56;51193934]Hi Facepunch. I have been freshly out of a long term relationship for heading towards 5 months now, and I would love to say that I am feeling myself moving on a little. However, I'm really not, and I feel close to how I felt when the break up happened. I have met lots of new people, but I don't fancy dating any time soon, but even as friends, I can't seem to get that same connection with anyone else. I think part of it is that I don't want to, so maybe I'm not letting myself? I'm not quite sure what it is (apart from that obviously I loved ((and I think I still do somehow)) my ex an awful lot, and I had a good connection with them). I have asked for so much advice from people I know, people saying I should get with other people, which I find near impossible, considering that barely any guys appeal to me anymore- they're not who I want (and who I want, hates me, though I am happy that they are happy now and I wish them the best in life). I was just wandering what people would suggest in this shit situation? Nothing involving getting with other people because it would hurt my feelings; I'd feel guilty, and disloyal to the person I still have feelings for (who I'm not even with anymore, stupid, right?). Also, would appreciate any advice on loneliness, missing someone (I cannot contact them, they wanted to be left alone), and getting better sleep due to disturbed sleep due to all these mixed feelings. Sorry for the massive wall of text, any help is much appreciated, I know I cannot stay like this forever, and I HAVE to move on, especially given circumstances of how break up was initiated and such. I deserved more respect.[/QUOTE] Don't pressure yourself. Emotions aren't something you can control, and trying to convince yourself otherwise usually leads to a person feeling bad because they feel bad. Instead of telling yourself you shouldn't feel certain ways, try asking yourself why you feel those ways. Listen to your emotions - we always have reasons for feeling the ways that we do, even if we can't immediately understand them on a conscious level. What you said about not wanting to move on is actually incredibly common for people who have dealt with any sort of loss. It's that last remaining emotional attachment you have to a person - when you've accepted what's happened and moved on, it almost feels like you've stopped caring. However, you can still appreciate what you had with that person by appreciating who you are today and how your experiences with them impacted you. A person doesn't need to physically remain in your life for them to influence you in positive ways. If you aren't ready to start dating again, then don't. There is no pressure for you to date again, and maybe it would be helpful to take some time to work on being alone with yourself. It's also possible you just haven't met anyone who you would be attracted to yet. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you if you aren't interested in anyone currently.

[QUOTE=Ctrl;51193970]Why shouldn't I? There could be dozens of reasons why she said no today, who knows what she'll say on another occasion?[/QUOTE] You do. I mean sure, there could be dozens of reasons, but shes had her chance to say yes, and she said no. Why doesnt matter. The answer does. If she wants to get with you still, she will message you, or she will miss out on dating you. the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

On the issue of sending repeat texts, you do need to have a good degree of impulse control. I put up with this exact issue last weekend when I texted the girl I've been seeing (the same one from my last posts in this thread), and we had a brief, pleasant conversation that abruptly went silent when I told her I was going to be baking in the next few days and that she was be free to partake. Now I would be lying if I said this didn't bother me, but sometimes there are rational explanations for it. Some people are just shitty texters, particularly if they're under a lot of stress or busy. In fairness, I only sent one text in response and none after that (due to an unrelated illness that prevented any baking from actually happening) but as someone else told me, assuming a lot of shit won't help you. It's fine to send two consecutive texts under certain circumstances, but don't ever send things like "hello?", "you there?", or just bombarding her with question marks. A friend of mine does this to me if I don't have a response for him in 2 hours and it's annoying as fuck, and I think the vast majority of people think the same way.

[QUOTE=NixNax123;51193952]i think my advice to you is focus on yourself for a little bit. focus on making yourself happy; part if you is obviously still connected to this ex, or else you wouldn't feel that guilt. try to maintain a sense of happiness through independence. go hiking, pick up a hobby, and do some social stuff when you're ready (doesn't have to be stuff like parties, can be stuff like yoga classes or just reconnecting with old friends). you don't need to "connect" with anyone right now other than yourself, and learning to connect with yourself is a skill that is essential towards not only living alone, but also towards fulfilling relationshps understand that this feeling of not being able to connect with anyone is natural after something like this (even though it was 5 months, which is relatively short for some people, the emotional bond can be extremely strong). this is normal and the only thing that truly helps it is time. so in that time, live a little![/QUOTE] I have joined many societies and a sports club which has been keeping me occupied. I just don't really know what I am doing wrong, but at the same time, I don't think I am doing anything wrong, and I know it is a matter of time usually. I know 5 months isn't long, I agree with that. I think it's just that I think my ex has moved on so quickly (or appears to have done from what I've heard, though I'm not sure I believe everything people say, not that much of a follower), so I feel rushed as a consequence and where I wouldn't have been questioning why it's taking me a while normally, I am doing so now because I think he's moved on already (if that makes sense). I do need to focus on myself, I just feel like I am going around in circles. Thank you so much for your reply :smile:

All of us deal with negative emotions sometimes, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that there is anything you "should" be doing to get rid of them. It's common for people to struggle with their emotions and assume that if they have bad emotions, they should be fixing them, but sometimes there is no solution and the best thing you can do is accept those feelings and acknowledge them. Bad feelings are kind of like quicksand - the more you struggle to get out of them, the more control you give them over your life.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;51193979]Don't pressure yourself. Emotions aren't something you can control, and trying to convince yourself otherwise usually leads to a person feeling bad because they feel bad. Instead of telling yourself you shouldn't feel certain ways, try asking yourself why you feel those ways. Listen to your emotions - we always have reasons for feeling the ways that we do, even if we can't immediately understand them on a conscious level. What you said about not wanting to move on is actually incredibly common for people who have dealt with any sort of loss. It's that last remaining emotional attachment you have to a person - when you've accepted what's happened and moved on, it almost feels like you've stopped caring. However, you can still appreciate what you had with that person by appreciating who you are today and how your experiences with them impacted you. A person doesn't need to physically remain in your life for them to influence you in positive ways. If you aren't ready to start dating again, then don't. There is no pressure for you to date again, and maybe it would be helpful to take some time to work on being alone with yourself. It's also possible you just haven't met anyone who you would be attracted to yet. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you if you aren't interested in anyone currently.[/QUOTE] I think you can control emotions to an extent (in that you can most of the time make moral decisions on how to behave/deal with said emotion), like you have to otherwise you'd be out of control to a debilitating state. I agree with that entirely, and I do try, and I like to try to understand my emotions as well as others. I think I focus on others too much, and that's where I end up hurting my own sometimes. I'm not pressured by myself, like I don't want anyone else right now and I know that's okay. I also know that it takes a while for people to heal after bad break ups. I think it's just that I think the other person has moved on, it automatically makes me question why I haven't yet, even though, otherwise, I wouldn't question myself, I'd just get on with things. I think it makes me feel worse knowing I'm not moved on and they are, I feel behind - but then I guess that says more about their feelings towards me, intentions and such, than it does about mine. I cannot stop caring. Even if the person has hurt me a great deal, I will always care about that person in some form (unless it was something extreme and unforgivable - but I believe most things are forgivable). I do appreciate the experience and lessons I have learned, but cannot help but feel the loss overwhelming that feeling of growth. I agree with you about the physical presence not being necessary to influence positively. I agree with you. I just feel like I am never going to be as attracted to someone as I was to that person, I was ready to settle down with him, and though we had some issues, I believed we could have over came them. I guess so, it's not really that, it's more that I don't feel like I am ever going to be interested in anyone else, and I don't feel confident in myself that someone else would want me around too. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place, I am finding it hard to explain my situation fully, and put my feelings into words. Thank you for your response too, really appreciate it :smile: [editline]12th October 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Guy Mannly;51194084]All of us deal with negative emotions sometimes, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that there is anything you "should" be doing to get rid of them. It's common for people to struggle with their emotions and assume that if they have bad emotions, they should be fixing them, but sometimes there is no solution and the best thing you can do is accept those feelings and acknowledge them. Bad feelings are kind of like quicksand - the more you struggle to get out of them, the more control you give them over your life.[/QUOTE] I also agree with all of that. The more you dwell on it, the more you sink into a bad place. Thank you for this. In a normal, non-emotionally intense state, I would be thinking all of this, and be able to control it, I guess I just wanted to see what other people thought about it, and how they got through something like this too. Thank you so much :smile:

[QUOTE=GisG56;51194095]I think you can control emotions to an extent, like you have to otherwise you'd be out of control to a debilitating state.[/QUOTE] You can't really control your emotions. What you do have control over is your behavior. All of us have the ability to behave in spite of our emotions - we can put ourselves in daunting situations in spite of intense fear, or we can convince ourselves to get out of bed and go to work in the morning even when we feel tired of life. Having that self-discipline to keep going despite what your emotions are saying can be very empowering - bad feelings might be uncomfortable, but they can't ruin your life if you don't hand them the reins. [QUOTE=GisG56;51194095]I think it makes me feel worse knowing I'm not moved on and they are, I feel behind - but then I guess that says more about their feelings towards me, intentions and such, than it does about mine. I cannot stop caring. Even if the person has hurt me a great deal, I will always care about that person in some form (unless it was something extreme and unforgivable - but I believe most things are forgivable).[/QUOTE] Your ability to care about people and forgive them is a trait I constantly strive to have and I think you should be proud of it. Moving on isn't something you can judge so quickly and easily as though it were a contest. Leaving a relationship with hate and contempt in your heart is no better than walking away from it sad and disappointed. It also isn't a bad thing to be moved and affected by a relationship that has ended. I would say that experiencing that heartbreak is a sign that the relationship was one worth having to begin with.

Even though not directed at myself, thanks for all the advice you guys are giving out right now. I've been feeling really down for the past while and this is all really helpful. I know my situation isn't the same, but when you connect so strongly with someone, it's hard when you have to give it up.