Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

For my Girlfriend's birthday (5th October), I get to meet her ENTIRE family (I've already met her Father and Aunt so far). Should be a blast. I'm just concerned about her Mother though. She's currently making her Daughter's life hell and she's been doing some really overprotective and crazy things lately. Hopefully I can help mitigate any qualms with me dating her Daughter. Shouldn't be too farfetched, the Dad and Aunt already adore me. Wish me luck lads n' lasses.

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48683476]Sure we had some stresses and fights along the way with all our uncertainties and ignorance of what a relationship is really all about, but if I hadn't fought for her, I wouldn't be with the great girl I am with today.[/QUOTE] Your advice is really toeing the line between reassuring someone and not respecting their decisions. Life isn't a movie, nagging someone into having another date when they've already turned you down isn't romantic, it's just condescending and invalidates their opinions. There is nothing loving or romantic about second-guessing someone else's decisions and sending them the message that you think you know what's good for them better than they do. Axel, you're fine. Take the "I think we should just be friends" at face value unless she says otherwise. If you keep flirting with her when she's already romantically rejected you, it will send her the message that you're incapable of being platonic friends with her and don't respect her decision.

Guy hit the nail on the head. I ruined my chances with the first girl I ever truly loved because I lacked patience. We had gone out plenty of times before, but she ended up in one of those, "I'm not sure what to do with this," ruts. Instead of just sticking it out and being the friend I should have been, I kept pushing the romantic relationship aspect, kept pushing dates, didn't give her the space she needed to work things out. She eventually slapped me with what Guy said, I wasn't letting her make her own decisions and was acting like I knew what was best for her better than she did. Then poof, she was out of my life forever. There's a time and a place for everything. A lot of the time, when it comes down to dating and whatnot, you're better off pulling the trigger. But there are always situations with extenuating circumstances, "JUST DO IT," isn't always the smartest move.

Haven't posted in a long while, guess I'll write a brief update on what I've been up to. First and foremost, I wouldn't be doing as good as I currently am if I hadn't been lurking on here these past few months. Even though I haven't received any direct advice specific to my past experiences, you've all done exceptionally well in explaining how things are the way they are, and I'd probably still be wallowing in self-pity if I didn't take the time to read through what you've all been saying. So uh, mushiness aside, thanks! Saying that - however - I did a few things in my social life that I don't feel too proud of. Not going into too much of it, or else I'd simply slap a colossal wall of text on here, I basically made a few girls the same age as me cheat on their boyfriends when we slept together. The first time it happened, she insisted we keep it quiet, and I agreed. I've known her since school, and she seemed trustworthy enough, so that's how nobody else found out after all this time. The second, however, said the same thing but did the polar opposite throughout that week. I remember meeting some friends at a subway when one of their girlfriends stopped by to meet us, where she asked me out the blue "didn't you fuck her?" So, yeah, all discretion was lost after that. That weekend, when I went out again, I got all these funny looks from her friends, and when approaching one of them to say 'hi', got some pretty aggro response. But I knew I'd do perfectly fine without her, so I stopped bothering them all. The third was when I started to think that it was becoming a bad habit. I only knew her briefly through an old school friend. She was a year younger than us and apparently they had been together for nearly a year. Whenever we were out together, she'd be all touchy with me, unlike with the others. After that happened a few times, she spoke to me more frequently; asking me about my job, what I study, what I like etc. From that point, I felt like I could've made an amorous approach to her, but I would have felt [I]really[/I] uncomfortable knowing the fact I'd be doing that to a guy that wasn't an asshole to me (which is a rarity for me). I sometimes think that could be my main preference; girls that aren't single. But it's definitely not an ideal one. I tried going down a different route by dating others that claimed to be single, but I honestly felt as if it was too slow and almost not worth my time, since they either lost the feeling afterwards or ended up getting together with another guy sooner than the time we spent together. I dunno what else you guys would recommend other than to keep trying with dating, which is a good thing, I've just not settled with the general idea too well yet.

I had a phase like that somewhat, where I only really found fun in getting with girls who were in relationships. I rationalized that I was doing the guys a favor, if a chick is willing to cheat then better to find out sooner rather than later. Grew out of it, then got cheated on a few years later and it was an absolutely miserable experience. It really, really, really fucking sucks to be cheated on. I have a profound hatred for who I used to be, knowing I caused pain like that for other people, and know I fully deserved what happened to me. From someone who has done it, do whatever you can to stop. The guilt of being the one who brought that one someone else is real, it will hit you later on in life and you'll hate what you've done.

I can definitely understand the guilt caused by playing that role, but people don't cheat when they're completely satisfied with their relationship, and they don't cheat when they have good communication and a lot of mutual trust with their partner. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else.

Yeah never mind I thought myself through it, bad idea

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;48684389]Your advice is really toeing the line between reassuring someone and not respecting their decisions. Life isn't a movie, nagging someone into having another date when they've already turned you down isn't romantic, it's just condescending and invalidates their opinions. There is nothing loving or romantic about second-guessing someone else's decisions and sending them the message that you think you know what's good for them better than they do. Axel, you're fine. Take the "I think we should just be friends" at face value unless she says otherwise. If you keep flirting with her when she's already romantically rejected you, it will send her the message that you're incapable of being platonic friends with her and don't respect her decision.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=MaverickIB;48684546]Guy hit the nail on the head. I ruined my chances with the first girl I ever truly loved because I lacked patience. We had gone out plenty of times before, but she ended up in one of those, "I'm not sure what to do with this," ruts. Instead of just sticking it out and being the friend I should have been, I kept pushing the romantic relationship aspect, kept pushing dates, didn't give her the space she needed to work things out. She eventually slapped me with what Guy said, I wasn't letting her make her own decisions and was acting like I knew what was best for her better than she did. Then poof, she was out of my life forever. There's a time and a place for everything. A lot of the time, when it comes down to dating and whatnot, you're better off pulling the trigger. But there are always situations with extenuating circumstances, "JUST DO IT," isn't always the smartest move.[/QUOTE] Thanks, I'll go with my original stance then. I don't want to ruin it all by being controlling when she clearly needs space to think and is the one that have to come up with a decision. One last thing though, I suppose it's best to leave her some time to herself but how much time do you think would be best? I don't want us to drift apart so I'm a bit anxious about not communicating for some time.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;48675032]I'm not sure about your school, but I'm taking Russian in uni currently and they have a Russian club for students and fluent speakers. They also have a mentor program here for more experienced speakers to get paired up with newer students. If you're starting uni, it might be worth finding out if they have anything similar.[/QUOTE] There's a society in the uni and the girl who invited me to that meetup I went to said that we should register for it on an event that will happen in a week. I'm not that interested in it, though. It's more of a thing to have some more people to talk to rather than I absolutely need it because I struggle or anything along those lines. also registered in my uni yesterday with another russian-speaking girl, so that's another friend I've got now, woot. Now the only way to get to know more people for me is to go to some freshers events but I just barely have any will to do it.

[QUOTE=_Axel;48686675]Thanks, I'll go with my original stance then. I don't want to ruin it all by being controlling when she clearly needs space to think and is the one that have to come up with a decision. One last thing though, I suppose it's best to leave her some time to herself but how much time do you think would be best? I don't want us to drift apart so I'm a bit anxious about not communicating for some time.[/QUOTE] I don't think there's anything wrong with communicating, just keep it platonic.

[QUOTE=MaverickIB;48686923]I don't think there's anything wrong with communicating, just keep it platonic.[/QUOTE] OK then. That's how it started out so it shouldn't be too hard.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;48684389]Your advice is really toeing the line between reassuring someone and not respecting their decisions. Life isn't a movie, nagging someone into having another date when they've already turned you down isn't romantic, it's just condescending and invalidates their opinions. There is nothing loving or romantic about second-guessing someone else's decisions and sending them the message that you think you know what's good for them better than they do. Axel, you're fine. Take the "I think we should just be friends" at face value unless she says otherwise. If you keep flirting with her when she's already romantically rejected you, it will send her the message that you're incapable of being platonic friends with her and don't respect her decision.[/QUOTE] I'm just a bit doubtful about her decision. That's all. Not to be condescending but there's a lot of gray area between best friends and a relationship. And from what l took out of this story is that for the two of them it's either one thing or the other. Maybe l'm having some communication issues here since from english to portuguese there's a whole diferent vocabulary and meanings for "relationship" , "dating" and all that. However my argument sits on the fact of her telling him she didn't want a relationship but at the same time keeping his hopes up by saying she thinks she sees him as more than friends. I don't think that is something a person should say in these circumstances. But like l said in my last text. It's up to him. I just put on the table something to be thought about. And it's really nothing more than that.

[quote=zyx 3 months ago]A few months ago I dated someone for about a month. All was going great, but she decided to stop it - Something about not having enough time, but really just not being ready for something new. Before we started dating, we were just chatting and playing games together. She said that "If the love relationship doesn't last, I still want to befriend you", but: After she stopped it, I of course still texted her and wrote to her. But no conversation was really initiated by her, so I decided to not do that either and see what would happen - (Of course) Nothing did happen. The 'ignoring' lasted for some months, where I sort of hoped it would change. But nothing ever did. Then today, I noticed she had removed me as a Facebook friend. Even though deep inside I knew it wouldn't start again, this still hit me quite hard. [/quote] I posted the above quote on June 22nd. Today I checked out her Facebook profile again - Not sure why, but in hindsight I probably shouldn't have done it. She was listed as in a relationship starting July 3rd. Two weeks after removing me, she found someone else and announced it. Even though she told me she wasn't ready for something new back then, apparently she was after all. The worst part is that it has happened before as well, back the first time I slept with someone, thinking it could be something. I had planned to stay there a week, but the very next morning she changed her mind. Said I should go and that she wasn't ready because of her old boyfriend had cheated on her or something. Some ignoring happened until I tried contacting her again after a while (Not sure how long, a month maybe). She had a boyfriend and didn't want to keep contact. So, if anyone out there doesn't feel ready to have a new boyfriend: Just go out with me for a while and then dump me and before you know it, you will be ready again!

So, my date has been canceled, she messaged me just now saying "Hey so I got called in to work, so I'm not gonna be able to make it to the movie tonight...sorry" I remember someone in here saying that if a girl cancels and doesn't provide an alternate time for the date, shes not interested?

It seems like she legitimately just has to work. Try suggesting another time or suggesting that you plan for another date. If she gives you a wishy washy or vague answer, THEN it probably means she's not interested.

Asked a girl out who had been acting like she was entirely uninterested. She said yes, we went, wound up making out afterwards. Have another date with her set for Friday hopefully. :flex:

LMAO she deleted her POF page xD [editline]15th September 2015[/editline] oh well there's "plenty of fish" in the sea xD

So me and that girl are doing a dinner and movie on Friday night. something I've always wondered whether or not you're supposed to do is, is it appropriate to pay for a girl or is it expected for them to pay? I've heard different viewpoints.

It's totally cool to pay for a girl. Personally, I generally expect someone to pay if they invite me somewhere. But some girls like to pay for themselves too, especially if the date was their idea. It just depends on the person you're with, honestly. There's nothing wrong with asking tbh.

[QUOTE=Exigent;48688471]So me and that girl are doing a dinner and movie on Friday night. something I've always wondered whether or not you're supposed to do is, is it appropriate to pay for a girl or is it expected for them to pay? I've heard different viewpoints.[/QUOTE] When I was dating I would say "my shout" If I invited the girl to something that I was willing to pay for before we got to the point where we are about to pay. Its not some secret thing, If you want to pay let her know and if you don't, let her know as well. Communication is key and noone really is bothered when you check with them to see if paying half each in advance. Its only awkward if the bill comes and either one of you has assumed something but neither of you had discussed it. [editline]15th September 2015[/editline] Although most girls I know, and most girls I've dated tend to be more than ready to pay half of the bill. In fact when I was first dating my current girlfriend (who I am living with now) she used to keep asking me if I was sure paying for her meal was fine. She would keep telling me not be silly and that she can pay her share :v: But yea just communication is key.

I as well have dated girls that would insist on paying their share, and even for me too.

Well, it seems my life is finally stabilizing, no more problems with friends that piss me off, boredom, finance, relationships. Since I've started working, I drifted away from my friends who constantly kept calling every day asking me to come get drunk because "it's summer, lets have fun", I stopped responding to their calls and eventually they stopped calling, we now talk maybe once a week just general hows life, whats new and that's it. Frankly, I don't even have any kind of sadness or regrets which some people may feel when they lose contact with their friends, in fact - I am more happy, more relaxed, more healthy, I have more free time on weekends because I can wake up at 9 AM, go to beach or so without sleeping till 4 PM with horrible hangover. Boredom - I got few friends who I used to contact rarely before because I considered them "too boring" because they don't drink every day (when I was dragged into whole every day partying lifestyle), now I find them civil, healthy, interesting and fun, we go to beaches on weekend mornings, just hangout talking, or just chatting on facebook. On work day/weekend evenings I play cs go with friends while talking to them, this is enough to keep me entertained and not bored of every day routine. Relationships - I just stopped caring about it, it doesn't upset me that I am single, I just enjoy my own company, going on holiday in December by myself, I can fail as many times as I want to without feeling awkward in front of friends or anything. Things are good.

[QUOTE=Pascall;48688478]It's totally cool to pay for a girl. Personally, I generally expect someone to pay if they invite me somewhere. But some girls like to pay for themselves too, especially if the date was their idea. It just depends on the person you're with, honestly. There's nothing wrong with asking tbh.[/QUOTE] This. Just ask, I know I prefer to always split 50/50 because it would suck to lean on my boyfriend's cash and there's no reason for me not to pay That said I had a funny moment this summer when I took my boyfriend on holiday to Amsterdam and so was therefore paying for most things (because woo uni bursaries I didn't need), we usually had no problem in restaurants because I was paying in cash, apart from this one pancake place where I finally had to pay by card, so I left it on the cheque. When the waitress came over with the machine she handed it to my boyfriend to enter the PIN :v: She looked super embarrassed when she realised her mistake, too. But I would have assumed the same in her place It was just funny to look back and realise all the places we went to probably assumed it was my boyfriend putting the cash down for dinner..

[QUOTE=crazykyle16;48688776]I as well have dated girls that would insist on paying their share, and even for me too.[/QUOTE] My girlfriend and I often argue about who pays for the meal etc. But yeah, just ask.

[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48687360]However my argument sits on the fact of her telling him she didn't want a relationship but at the same time keeping his hopes up by saying she thinks she sees him as more than friends. I don't think that is something a person should say in these circumstances. But like l said in my last text. It's up to him. I just put on the table something to be thought about. And it's really nothing more than that.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;48683521]dude, which one is it then? I'm not following... She thinks or she doesn't know? Those mean completely different things.[/QUOTE] Based on this earlier post, I think some of the content of Axel's posts got lost in translation. Both of the statements you quoted were saying that she viewed them as close friends rather than a romantic partner (the second one you quoted in that post said she viewed him to be more of a friend as opposed to a romantic option, which I think is what confused you). Like you pointed out, the vocabulary/connotations of some of those words are also probably different in your language than they are in English or French. Nevertheless, all that's actually up to Axel here is whether he wants to continue being friends with this girl or if he wants to terminate their friendship, and it sounds like he's going with the first option. It's not his job to mother her and second-guess her decisions. In some cultures this is different (I'm aware of some more patriarchal countries that go by the rule of "no means keep trying", and maybe your culture is similar), but generally in non-patriarchal societies, women don't like being treated like they can't make decisions on their own and view it as encroaching on their independence.

So apparently that girl is going on another date tonight, makes me feel a little less significant.

A girl invited me to watch her volleyball game. I went to one a week or two ago and it was awfully boring and we hardly even go to talk, so I told her that I couldn't go today. Did I make the right call?

Mmm probably. It's not very fun to just go and watch someone do anything by themselves. You wouldn't ask a girl if they wanted to go to your house to play single player video games, so it sort of applies in reverse. Maybe suggest something that you could BOTH watch or you could BOTH participate in to see if she goes for it.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;48689165] In some cultures this is different ([B]I'm aware of some more patriarchal countries that go by the rule of "no means keep trying", and maybe your culture is similar[/B]), but generally in non-patriarchal societies, women don't like being treated like they can't make decisions on their own and view it as encroaching on their independence.[/QUOTE] Wow, how condescending. Thanks. No, I don't think I live in a patriarchal society, nor do I think that is acceptable to insist with someone that tells you a sound "no". I wasn't endorsing that and I do not aprove of such conduct either. I just got confused reading down his text and for some reason assumed the girl was leaving him on hold and wasn't being clear about her intentions. Which she clearly isn't. But what's said is said and I can't just delete it now so whatever. The main reason with the portuguese-english confusion is the vocabulary. You see we don't have a word for "dating", we have similar words but they don't mean exactly what dating means. For us it's just a meetup or going out, which doesn't mean the same. Also the term "relationship" is very subjective to us. It can vary from just seeing someone to a love relationship. So yeah.. sorry about the mess up with words. But looking at what was said before about this subject I agree with the consensus on Axel's issue. They should be friends. Now let's drop this subject before it festers even further.

I wasn't trying to say that in a condescending tone, I was trying to account for cultural differences. I never said anything about patriarchal societies being inferior or anything, all I said was that it's possible you have a different cultural background... But apparently I can't be nice to you or try to figure out a cause for disagreement without you assuming I'm trying to start a fight, so I won't bother.