Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;48987813]Google Scholar, etc.[/QUOTE] Thank you for your patience and thorough answers, I quite appreciate that. To be honest I wasn't really buying the whole MGTOW/redpill thing entirely, though it did appeal to my suspicions I've had that have formed over the years from watching everyone else's failures in dating and relationships. The red pill subreddit stuff I've seen with the 'alpha and beta' concept did seem a little wacky to me too, never really bought that either. I was familiar with confirmation bias already. Still difficult to avoid in practice. I also didn't know Google Scholar was a thing. I'm not currently in college, but I'm sure I can find the things you mentioned. Will definitely look into it and the other things you suggested. Dating always just looked like a exercise where if I tried it myself I'd be walking into a field of landmines, seeing all the constant dramas of people breaking up and being vindictive towards each other all around me, along with all the divorces every one of my friends' families has gone through. My parents are the only ones I know who haven't divorced and don't seem like they ever would. I've also never met anyone of the opposite sex that I could intellectually relate to in person so I figured It was a waste of time to be looking at all and instead I should focus on improving myself. Finding MGTOW suited that line of thought because I didn't want to get taken advantage of like I saw happen to everyone around me. I never felt it necessary to go to the extremes some MGTOWs were advising like cutting oneself off from society and women entirely though, it sounded silly to go that far with it, and I haven't actually read much of that MGTOW website other than the FAQ - the claims of 'male mother need' and 'hypergamy' were also things I heard about from youtube. I've seen these MGTOW/Anti-feminism focused youtubers using pretty much tit-for-tat the evo-psych interpretation of gender roles you described repeatedly and trying to warn all the other men about the risks involved in relationships because of that. There definitely is a pretty big backlash to radical feminism to the point where anyone calling themselves feminist at all becomes the target of criticism because what they have to say usually doesn't align with that described evo-psych interpretation of gender roles, which is assumed to be true. There were a lot of videos quick to criticize academia that I saw too, even one about the brain size difference that was intending to debunk a 'feminist study'. Now I'm looking deeper into that one since you mentioned the ventricles accounting for brain volume difference between the genders. Informing oneself becomes a little bit tedious when it involves having to look for debunkings of debunking arguments. Thinking it over though, you're right. Take into consideration all the variables presented by environment and experiences an individual has and the evolutionary differences effecting behavior in modern society start to look like really small factors in the overall picture. I assumed them to be larger because of all the warnings being spread about by the MGTOW movement. As far as happiness - I'm the sort who would rather be as informed as possible as the first priority so I've always taken warnings about what to watch out for in human behavior and world events as things to treat seriously. Which can lead to bias and being misinformed as I over-prioritize such warnings, hilariously, as demonstrated by this conversation. In retrospect perhaps I should be specific about my experience and ask for advice since it seems like you guys know more than me on these matters. I'm not sure what I'll do now. Torn between wanting to be cautious/avoiding of dating and relationships and being mindful of advice that such an approach to things isn't healthy. I'd like to have a relationship with someone who understands me but I can't shake the thought that such an individual is so rare that it would be a waste of time and that love is dangerous to my ability to be logical, which I'll elaborate upon below. I've experienced falling in love before [I]once[/I] and what that emotion drove me to do is why I'm so adverse to letting it happen to me again now. I was 17 at the time and was enthralled by an online friend's personality and intelligence. This person was the exception and I never met her in person. She was a scientist/teacher/programmer/particle physicist with multiple doctorates and other degrees and we shared a ton of interests. I had never met anyone I could relate to so well and still haven't met anyone else quite like that to this day. This person I had these feelings for was a decade older than me, not attracted to men, and very far away and despite knowing all of those things made it an impossibility I couldn't let it go and tried to ask this person out. It obviously it didn't work out, fortunately that person let me down nicely and it didn't stop us from being online friends for a couple more years, but after that rejection I dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts for about three months trying to deal with letting go of that annoyingly strong emotion. It was too much and I've always been more at peace trying to think logically instead of emotionally. I'm long since over that, fortunately. After that with my old online friends going their separate ways and out of contact I made a new circle of friends IRL and things got a lot better, but there was still loneliness and depression here and there over the following years (went to a therapist once during that time too) until I discovered MGTOW recently and used it as direction to become a stronger person and appreciate myself more without needing the approval of others for it. I guess that now I want to find someone rather like that one very intelligent and relatable person I once knew again but closer to my age and closer to where I live, and since that seems highly unlikely I figured I should just drop it and focus on other things instead of fantasies. I've always struggled with relating to people, as even my closest friends I don't fully click with. I'm just not as emotional as they are, a lot more reserved, and it kind of makes things awkward sometimes as I stay mostly silent during the frequent 'shallow' conversations with nothing to say because I have no interest there. I've been called oblivious before because of that, amusingly. It seems better to me to just learn to enjoy my own company for the most part and not obsess over finding the kind of person that in my experience is extremely rare, and even then how would I ever know they would consider me the kind of person they are looking for in life too? The few things I can relate to with friends about are enough for now because I've gotten used to it. As such I wholeheartedly agree with this: [QUOTE=elevate;48982460] One of my friends says you have to love yourself first before you love someone else. [/QUOTE] But I could be wrong. Am I in still error in taking this approach to things, in focusing on bettering myself first and not intentionally looking for a relationship?

why are you so defensive about dating and relationships? What do you have to lose? Who's going to "take advantage" of you? your benign elitism regarding intelligence is a little one-dimensional, too. I get the feeling that you're judging everyone by a very narrow set of STEM qualifications and disregarding other features of intellect. In my experience, women are often very perceptive and have a great deal of subtle emotional intelligence which men take for granted. It sounds like you're poor at conversation, which makes you hard to relate to or engage with socially, which is giving you a very closed life experience fueled mostly by content on the internet. Both genders have stereotypes about how the other side is full of idiots. Don't engage with stereotypes.

[QUOTE=Ticon;48991295]Dating always just looked like a exercise where if I tried it myself I'd be walking into a field of landmines, seeing all the constant dramas of people breaking up and being vindictive towards each other all around me, along with all the divorces every one of my friends' families has gone through. My parents are the only ones I know who haven't divorced and don't seem like they ever would. I've also never met anyone of the opposite sex that I could intellectually relate to in person so I figured It was a waste of time to be looking at all and instead I should focus on improving myself. Finding MGTOW suited that line of thought because I didn't want to get taken advantage of like I saw happen to everyone around me.[/quote] You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Most relationships (romantic or friendships) will not last your entire life. Most of them won't even last more than a week or two. I think part of the issue in this case is that you are viewing dating as a pass/fail sort of binary, where either you become a successful couple or you crash and burn. It might help you to try looking at it as a win-win situation. You always gain something out of your relationships and experiences - knowledge, insight, and personal growth. Experiencing new things that you aren't normally comfortable with helps you expand your worldview and appreciate perspectives that you haven't before. Most people go through several relationships before they find someone they truly feel compatible with. On top of that, relationships are not self-sustaining - once the energy from the hormonal rush of infatuation runs out, it is up to you and your partner to put your own energy into being good to each other. After a while you have to make conscious decisions to be loving, and that is how you continue to feel loved. When it comes to not being able to intellectually relate, that's a normal feeling for people to have. However, at the same time, emotional intelligence and social abilities are arguably more important in today's society than academic types of intelligence. Part of being socially intelligent is being able to relate to others. It is a sign of high social intelligence when someone is able to find a connection with almost any person, regardless of differences in background or opinion. It sounds like in some ways you've surrendered control of your own life and have gained a feeling of helplessness. It's true that there are some factors out of our control, but we are always the ones responsible for how we respond to those factors. If you have issues relating to others, instead of focusing on the fact that you're too different, try to actively find ways in which you are the same. [QUOTE=Ticon;48991295]Now I'm looking deeper into that one since you mentioned the ventricles accounting for brain volume difference between the genders. Informing oneself becomes a little bit tedious when it involves having to look for debunkings of debunking arguments.[/quote] The issue with the field of psychology is that you can find evidence for just about anything if you look hard enough. If you do 1000 studies, chances are at least one of them will have some really weird and atypical result. This is where confirmation bias comes in. If someone really wants to believe that vaccines cause autism, they will listen to that one study done decades ago that supported that theory, and ignore all of the studies that did not support it. There was a TED talk about the brain volume differences which we watched in my women's psych class. I don't have a link for you at the moment but if you can find it, it might be a helpful starting point. [QUOTE=Ticon;48991295]As far as happiness - I'm the sort who would rather be as informed as possible as the first priority so I've always taken warnings about what to watch out for in human behavior and world events as things to treat seriously. Which can lead to bias and being misinformed as I over-prioritize such warnings, hilariously, as demonstrated by this conversation.[/QUOTE] I've dealt with similar things in the past and two works of literature have especially resonated with me. One is Epictetus's Enchiridion, which I highly recommend. The other is my holy bible of anxiety, of coping with bad experiences: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Without going into too much detail, I endured something traumatic about a year ago and actually became a more confident person because of it. After it happened, I looked back on what had happened to me and realized I had seen so many red flags in the person's behavior that I had intentionally overlooked. Now that it had happened, I realized the cost of ignoring my instincts. This was the first time that they called on me. Up until this point in my life, I had never felt true fear. I had never been in mortal danger, so I mistook every episode of worry for true fear - I didn't know the difference. When it comes to warnings, you don't need them. You have spent probably around 20 years of your life learning to analyze behavior. You are an expert on human behavior, on human facial expressions, and you have 20 years of data on what standard human behavior looks like. Your instincts will guide you if you learn how to listen to them. You have a good idea of what it looks like when someone lies or deceives you, when they try to hide something from you, when they are ashamed. The reason we ignore our instincts is because sometimes we don't want them to be true. We [i]want[/i] to trust our partner, but we just don't. We want to believe that this person honestly just wants to be friends, but we don't. There are always reasons if you choose to look for them. I have this page bookmarked in my copy of Gift of Fear: [quote]Worry is the fear we manufacture - it is not authentic. If you choose to worry about something, have at it, but do so knowing it's a choice. Most often, we worry because it provides some secondary reward. [...] - Worry is a way to avoid change; when we worry, we don't do anything about the matter. - Worry is a way to avoid admitting powerlessness over something, since worry feels like we're doing something. - Worry is a protection against future disappointment.[/quote] [QUOTE=Ticon;48991295]Am I in still error in taking this approach to things, in focusing on bettering myself first and not intentionally looking for a relationship?[/QUOTE] Few people succeed at this. Few people ever really attain enlightenment and find true satisfaction in their life. And if you did, if you did become a perfect person - what would be the point of life then? It's not about the end goal. You don't need to become the perfect person before you start dating. What's important is that you always try to be.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;48991447]There was a TED talk about the brain volume differences which we watched in my women's psych class. I don't have a link for you at the moment but if you can find it, it might be a helpful starting point.[/QUOTE] Is this your video? I watched this while doing research for a paper last semester. [video=youtube;rYpDU040yzc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYpDU040yzc[/video]

Dating websites? Good idea/bad idea/jump in a ditch? Not right at the moment but in the near future

online dating is totally fine

there's nothing more annoying than someone clearly flirting with you and then when you try to do something about it they're like "oh but i have a bf sorry lol"

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;48997106]there's nothing more annoying than someone clearly flirting with you and then when you try to do something about it they're like "oh but i have a bf sorry lol"[/QUOTE] That's weird :v:

Does anyone else have issues with confidence when it comes specifically to asking people out? There's a girl in my classes I'm into but for some reason I can't bring myself to just casually ask her, "Hey you wanna go out some time?" Maybe I'm worried shits going to be awkward for the rest of the year if she says no? I don't know, I've always sucked at asking girls out, it feels like a mission to put myself out there like that. I don't have full blown social anxiety or anything, I do talk to her, but it's just getting a date in particular that I can't rack my brain too. I probably should have practiced in high school where nobody save for 4 or 5 people matter in the end.

[QUOTE=UntouchedShadow;48997422]Does anyone else have issues with confidence when it comes specifically to asking people out? There's a girl in my classes I'm into but for some reason I can't bring myself to just casually ask her, "Hey you wanna go out some time?" Maybe I'm worried shits going to be awkward for the rest of the year if she says no? I don't know, I've always sucked at asking girls out, it feels like a mission to put myself out there like that. I don't have full blown social anxiety or anything, I do talk to her, but it's just getting a date in particular that I can't rack my brain too. I probably should have practiced in high school where nobody save for 4 or 5 people matter in the end.[/QUOTE] Is she someone you talk to often?

[QUOTE=UntouchedShadow;48997422]I probably should have practiced in high school where nobody save for 4 or 5 people matter in the end.[/QUOTE] nobody mattered then, nobody matters now, and nobody will ever matter do whatever you want

When all of a sudden you realise you have social anxiety and it only popped up recently when u tryna wheel but ur brain freezes up because it's lost all sense of direction. Turns out if I'm too afraid to be an asshole my thought process stops.

[QUOTE=fear me;48997430]Is she someone you talk to often?[/QUOTE] We talk decently enough I suppose. She says hi to me when sees me and during break does tend to turn around to chat with me. I suppose the next time we're alone and talking I should really just go for it, but fuck the idea spooks me for some reason.

[QUOTE=UntouchedShadow;48998835]We talk decently enough I suppose. She says hi to me when sees me and during break does tend to turn around to chat with me. I suppose the next time we're alone and talking I should really just go for it, but fuck the idea spooks me for some reason.[/QUOTE] [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/kRMaIAW.png[/IMG] goferit :cat:

[QUOTE=fear me;48995580]Dating websites? Good idea/bad idea/jump in a ditch? Not right at the moment but in the near future[/QUOTE] I found my partner on Grindr and we're about to move in together next weekend. So im all for online dating.

I hope no-one minds me going on a little rant and asking for some kind of help here. (I figured this is what this thread is about but still.) If you wish to skip this semi wall of text please feel free to do so, I just need to get this out mainly. I've been in a relationship, long distance for the past 4 years and we used to see each other maybe 3/4 months of each year. (England to Canada) Due to the distance things got complicated near the end, she made a mistake and we broke up but remained friends and kept hooking up when we both kept visiting to keep in touch with mutual friends in both places. We both admitted to still loving each other and wanting to be with each other, however we noticed that the connection isn't quite the same as it used to be. Well Monday night we were skyping and the topic took a turn into us and it has resulted in me finding out she was upset that I didn't move there or she didn't move here. I've not been the most attentive boyfriend to her and I guess we've both made mistakes. Well in my effort to fix things or make things right, she seems to suddenly be furious at me and essentially hate me, for trying to right wrongs that I cannot. (I don't quite get how this works but that is the cause from what I can ascertain) I'm not ready to move on, I've had chances to hook up with other women or to try and start over, but I still love her and I'm not ready to let go and move on and try to start anew with anyone else. However she is essentially cutting me out and forcing me to try and accept it and move on when I am not ready to do so. I get the feeling she is doing it partly to try and get me to move on as-well. But the idea that I've hurt her and upset her even now is tearing me apart and all I want to do is help, but when I try she hates me even more, and I can't just let go right now which is what she wants, the notion of leaving it unresolved and her full of anger towards me is killing me. I don't know what to do. I either once more get left to move on and accept it when I'm nowhere near ready to do so and she still hates me, which tears me apart, or I refuse to leave and try my best to keep helping to fix whatever I've done wrong, and have her hate me still for trying which also tears me apart. I'm sorry for ranting. I just don't know what to do.

If I were in your position, I'd try to get a clear idea of what it is she is upset about. From what I understand she's resentful that you did not move to Canada to be with her. That's pretty childish IMHO and very inconsiderate of her, moving whatsoever is a stressful event, let alone across the planet. I'm no psychologist, but I think you're correct about her "forcing" you to move on. Instead of outright admitting she no longer wants to put in the effort to maintain your LDR, she's emotionally manipulating you into cutting the cord so that she doesn't have to. I'd say cut your losses and move on. I know it can be very tough, but just cut contact (unless you wanna maintain a friendship which I would not recommend) and start investing in yourself.

Does not liking someone in a romantic way because there is no physical attraction make me some sort of asshole? I agree that there would be more to it than physical attraction, but I don't like the idea that because I can't like someone based purely on personally that I'm to be looked down upon.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49000815]Does not liking someone in a romantic way because there is no physical attraction make me some sort of asshole?[/QUOTE] Makes you pretty normal, really.

Got a date on friday with a girl I met on tinder. Im pretty nervous for it

Well i'm fucked. There's this girl who's friend said she thought I was cute. Her friend just told me that she's talking to a ex again. She said "she's all over him". Also I tried to text her, and we wouldn't get far in the conversation. She would text back in the shortest way possible and she would take an hour to respond. I talked to friends and they said that she was probably nervous. Now my self esteem is really low and i'm depressed. Great. She's going to get back with a guy who dumped her, and is going to do it again. Advice facepunchers?

stop giving a shit about women you're barely associated with

[QUOTE=Samson0722;49005252]this girl who's friend said she thought I was cute[/QUOTE] "A guy who I know who knows this guy's cousin's uncle..." Sorry but even without much context this really doesn't sound like a big deal

[QUOTE=fear me;49005324]"A guy who I know who knows this guy's cousin's uncle..." Sorry but even without much context this really doesn't sound like a big deal[/QUOTE] Thanks... [editline]28th October 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Sector 7;49005305]stop giving a shit about women you're barely associated with[/QUOTE] Good advice. But this friend of her's told me to take it slow, and I did. She is currently kissing another guy.

[QUOTE=Samson0722;49005252]Also I tried to text her, and we wouldn't get far in the conversation. She would text back in the shortest way possible and she would take an hour to respond. I talked to friends and they said that she was probably nervous. Now my self esteem is really low and i'm depressed. Great. She's going to get back with a guy who dumped her, and is going to do it again. Advice facepunchers?[/QUOTE] Unfortunate situation, but you need to recognize that your emotions aren't the responsibility of other people. Nobody else can make you feel a certain way - they can act but ultimately the problem lies in how [i]you[/i] are perceiving their actions and reacting to them. You are the one making yourself depressed and causing yourself to have low self-esteem. It's also hardly your business who she dates, and it's not your job to worry about other people making mistakes. Generally people don't want advice unless they specifically ask for it, and giving unwarranted advice doesn't accomplish much other than annoying others. It's not your place to decide whether she's making a mistake. You do you and let her figure out her own situation herself.

[QUOTE=Samson0722;49005433]Thanks... [editline]28th October 2015[/editline] Good advice. But this friend of her's told me to take it slow, and I did. She is currently kissing another guy.[/QUOTE] Again, this is not your problem. Text her friend back and tell her you'd like to unsubscribe from her news updates. If it bothers you then stop immersing yourself in it. [editline]28th October 2015[/editline] Fucking automerge

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;49005758]Again, this is not your problem. Text her friend back and tell her you'd like to unsubscribe from her news updates. [/QUOTE] I asked her friend for advice because i'm a shy prick, and she told me that I should really take it slowly because she has had her heart broken many times. Not two days later she gets a boyfriend. That's what irks me. It's not that she's making a mistake, or she's doing the wrong thing, it's that i'm not good enough. I'm an idiot, and I should have realized that she thought I was ugly, or weird, or whatever. [editline]29th October 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Sector 7;49005305]stop giving a shit about women you're barely associated with[/QUOTE] Also it's not someone who I was barely associated with, it was someone who I wanted to be associated with, if that makes any sense...

[QUOTE=Samson0722;49006027]I asked her friend for advice because i'm a shy prick, and she told me that I should really take it slowly because she has had her heart broken many times. Not two days later she gets a boyfriend. That's what irks me. It's not that she's making a mistake, or she's doing the wrong thing, it's that i'm not good enough. I'm an idiot, and I should have realized that she thought I was ugly, or weird, or whatever.[/quote] There are tons of possible reasons why she might not be responding currently and her not being interested is only one of them. Also, her friend isn't a psychic, and they're not a hivemind. She gave you advice that she thought would be helpful and the situation changed in a way that she probably didn't expect. You're projecting your own self-esteem issues onto other people's behavior. They haven't done anything that explicitly says they dislike you - you have chosen to draw those conclusions from ambiguous behavior. Speak to a counselor. [QUOTE=Samson0722;49006027]Also it's not someone who I was barely associated with, it was someone who I wanted to be associated with, if that makes any sense...[/QUOTE] That doesn't make a difference. You hardly know her. You have not lost anything in your relationship with her because you didn't have anything there to begin with, and you can still get to know her as a friend.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;49006179]There are tons of possible reasons why she might not be responding currently and her not being interested is only one of them. [/QUOTE] She was seen by several of my friends making out with another guy. That means she wasn't interested. Don't worry i'm not projecting my self esteem issues out on her, i'm projecting them out on this website. Also i'm moving on to better things I guess. Thanks for the advice, I guess.

[QUOTE=Samson0722;49006490]She was seen by several of my friends making out with another guy. That means she wasn't interested. Don't worry i'm not projecting my self esteem issues out on her, i'm projecting them out on this website. Also i'm moving on to better things I guess. Thanks for the advice, I guess.[/QUOTE] Yeah just ditch it, she's not interested.