Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

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So I've been dating this really conservative girl who doesn't want any kind of sex until marriage for the past 3 months or so and... she finally let me finger her. I've done it before, and I've always liked how it feels and how great it makes them feel, and she was moaning so loudly, it was fucking awesome. We got naked for the first time together and took a shower, too. The bad part is, after letting me do this 5 separate times or so throughout the next 24 hours, she eventually decided that it was too close to sex and that she doesn't want to do it anymore, not until we're married, she says. This really fucking hurt me because, asides from making out, massaging her breasts and rubbing myself against her (not sure if there's a term for it), I pretty much have no physical way to express my love/affection for her. It felt great to be able to give her that, especially since I'm the first person to do that (seriously, she has never even masturbated before) but now that I have that experience, I'm really depressed that I'll have to wait a long time before she'll let me do that again.

Have you talked to her about it? Generally, relationships where one person wants to wait til marriage and the other doesn't are pretty ill balanced. And trying to convince one person to compromise isn't guaranteed to work. You may need to talk things out and see where boundaries are and let her know your needs and have her share hers. If things don't line up, you may have to figure something out between you two.

Yeah we've been talking a lot. I've told her about how I feel, that I want to connect with her physically, and she claims that she doesn't need that in the relationship (not that I don't believe her or respect her opinion). She's completely against vaginal/anal sex , even oral sex before marriage, which I'm mostly fine with. Her reasoning actually isn't mostly to do with religion, she just wants to be able to "give everything" to her future husband. I really do respect her beliefs, but it's not something that I agree with or even understand. I connect with her so well on an emotional and intellectual level, we really do have an odd sort of chemistry that I've never experienced before. And the thing is, I'm not even sure what I want in this relationship. I'm pretty happy with her, I've never had a serious girlfriend and it's really nice to have a genuine emotional bond. I'm not sure if I could throw that away with good conscience, just because I'm not going to get any for at least a year or so. At the very least, at least I'm now pretty sure we have good sexual chemistry, and if I end up waiting and getting married to her, at least what we do in the bedroom won't disappoint me. I was scared that that would end up happening if she did wait to do everything till marriage. And hey, when we started dating she DID say that we would never do anything more serious than kissing/necking, and I've gone way farther than that, including some instances where she decided to let me do something, then said it was too much and she wanted to wait for that until marriage, and then later revised that decision, so who knows, maybe she'll change her mind.

Are you planing on getting married with her?

It's way too early to [I]plan[/I] getting married, but I think if we stick together until we both graduate college (another 1.5 years), I think it's a strong possibility.

Yeah I agree with RenegadeCop and Yahnich You don't want to spend 1.5 years of your handsome youth waiting to get your poke on and then once you get married it's lights off missionary only final destination no items or you wait 2 years for some girl to come back from New Zealand only for her to hate the way your sack smells, life is pain man Never forget that you are handsome and can do anything

just out of curiosity how many of the people that just commented are married or in relationships where this has been a point of contention

As much sense as that sounds like it makes, I'm not unhappy in the relationship, although of course that very well could change in the future. I just can't justify breaking up with her just because of this, everything else is so fucking great and she's so damn cute and makes me happy just being around her. I don't want to break her heart just because of this. If the lack of sex every makes me truly unhappy, I'll leave, though, because it's just plain stupid to stay in a relationship if you're genuinely unhappy with the other person and they won't compromise.

how about instead of trying to pressure her and push her boundaries you respect her beliefs, idk why everyone seems to think that's the worst idea

[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;49269397]I'd give it a little time, the whole "no sex before marriage" almost never lasts. But after that, tell her your feelings, and don't just tell her how you feel, explain to her why you feel the way you do.[/QUOTE] Honestly, I think this has a pretty good chance of happening eventually. She's gotten drunk before and really wanted to have sex with me, but I said no for obvious reasons. It's obvious that the desire is there, she's just had her beliefs all her life and it's hard to change.

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;49269419]how about instead of trying to pressure her and push her boundaries you respect her beliefs, idk why everyone seems to think that's the worst idea[/QUOTE] I am respecting her beliefs, and I definitely am not pushing her boundaries, everything we do is mutually agreed upon. [editline]7th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RenegadeCop;49269514]While she'll more than likely change her stance on that, don't go in a relationship with a bet for them to change. Honestly I think you'll make good judgement on this situation, you'll know what to do when the times comes.[/QUOTE] Thanks for the support man, let's hope so.

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;49269382]As much sense as that sounds like it makes, I'm not unhappy in the relationship, although of course that very well could change in the future. I just can't justify breaking up with her just because of this, everything else is so fucking great and she's so damn cute and makes me happy just being around her. I don't want to break her heart just because of this. If the lack of sex every makes me truly unhappy, I'll leave, though, because it's just plain stupid to stay in a relationship if you're genuinely unhappy with the other person and they won't compromise.[/QUOTE] then there's nothing wrong sex is part of a relationship but not the most important part, it seems like everything else is there so i'd say don't worry about it you already seem to know that it'll come when it'll come V:v:V i don't think it's worth it to break up if the only thing missing is that you aren't getting any, because even if the sex isn't there, the love is and that's all that matters imo

-snip- fuck everything

Had this crush on a chick I had no chance with for 6 months. Finally did the right thing,like 2 weeks ago and blocked any contact with her. I decided rather than face the heart ache of asking and getting rejected, it was better I act like she never existed. I wasn't the only one who liked her and it's far better that I don't interfere. I'm just wondering how long until the infatuation dies and any memories fade into the background.?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49271669]Had this crush on a chick I had no chance with for 6 months. Finally did the right thing,like 2 weeks ago and blocked any contact with her. I decided rather than face the heart ache of asking and getting rejected, it was better I act like she never existed. I wasn't the only one who liked her and it's far better that I don't interfere. I'm just wondering how long until the infatuation dies and any memories fade into the background.?[/QUOTE] tbh man it would have been better to ask her out and know for sure (because the worst she would have said is no), instead of this.

Rejection is not as terrible as the brain builds it up to be. You're gonna be rejected at a lot of things in your life, not just relationships. Everyone's gotta deal with it sooner or later. The more experienced at it you are, the more likely you'll be to take bigger risks.

[QUOTE=Yahnich;49269217]i think it's a no go tbh, there's plenty of girls to rub up against and 1.5y of frustration isn't exactly healthy[/QUOTE] I don't disagree, but at the same time you need to consider that everyone has different priorities in relationships. No premarital sex might be a dealbreaker for you, but it doesn't mean it's a dealbreaker for Wealth + Taste. [QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;49269419]how about instead of trying to pressure her and push her boundaries you respect her beliefs, idk why everyone seems to think that's the worst idea[/QUOTE] I'm so glad someone actually said this. She gave you clear boundaries from the start and you've gradually coerced her into doing things she had already said she didn't want to do. No real harm done since she doesn't seem to feel extremely violated or distraught by this, but you need to look at things under the assumption that her boundaries aren't going to change.

I get a strange sense of enjoyment from replying to people on this thread. Me personally, I have tons of problems I could post here. But it's just so great feeling to push that aside and help someone out and give advice :) that is all

[QUOTE=bdd458;49272336]tbh man it would have been better to ask her out and know for sure (because the worst she would have said is no), instead of this.[/QUOTE]Well the theory is that it'll minimise bad experiences , if I as a girl out who I'm infatuated with, the feeling will lower my self esteem, if I ask a girl out who I'm not that interested in I won't feel as bad. By ignoring people who I'm infatuated with, I avoid any bad feelings which come as a result of it. [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;49272894]Rejection is not as terrible as the brain builds it up to be. You're gonna be rejected at a lot of things in your life, not just relationships. Everyone's gotta deal with it sooner or later. The more experienced at it you are, the more likely you'll be to take bigger risks.[/QUOTE] I already have a form of depression it will probably destroyed what little self esteem I have. Besides, you have to get over people, I'm just cutting out the middle man, the outcome was obvious.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49274449]Well the theory is that it'll minimise bad experiences , if I as a girl out who I'm infatuated with, the feeling will lower my self esteem, if I ask a girl out who I'm not that interested in I won't feel as bad. By ignoring people who I'm infatuated with, I avoid any bad feelings which come as a result of it. [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] I already have a form of depression it will probably destroyed what little self esteem I have. Besides, you have to get over people, I'm just cutting out the middle man, the outcome was obvious.[/QUOTE] If you live your whole life unable to take risks, you won't get too far. Just ask her, if she says no, then hey, she isn't the only girl in the world. If you're afraid because she'll end the friendship or mock you or fuck with you about it, it would have been a shitty relationship anyways. If you ask and she says no, and then she's like to her friends "HAHA HE ASKED ME OUT LOLOL" then she's a bitch to begin with. Don't stick your dick in fuckers like her, bro.

[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;49272871]The fear of rejection is more trouble than it's worth. Face it and get it over with.[/QUOTE] It's more so that this was an infatuation, which means my brain was fooling me, but if it was somebody I didn't have an infatuation with and the rejection would have been minimised.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49274449]Well the theory is that it'll minimise bad experiences , if I as a girl out who I'm infatuated with, the feeling will lower my self esteem, if I ask a girl out who I'm not that interested in I won't feel as bad. By ignoring people who I'm infatuated with, I avoid any bad feelings which come as a result of it. [editline]9th December 2015[/editline] I already have a form of depression it will probably destroyed what little self esteem I have. Besides, you have to get over people, I'm just cutting out the middle man, the outcome was obvious.[/QUOTE] a friend of my dad once told me that he wished me suffering because with suffering comes introspection and with introspection comes wisdom and he believed the wise did the best things in the world just some food for thought about why spending your life dodging 'bad experiences' can be counterproductive

[QUOTE=killerteacup;49274722]a friend of my dad once told me that he wished me suffering because with suffering comes introspection and with introspection comes wisdom and he believed the wise did the best things in the world just some food for thought about why spending your life dodging 'bad experiences' can be counterproductive[/QUOTE] I respect the sentiment/general idea, but going through a lot of bad experiences has more adverse effects than beneficial ones. Trauma wears away at your ability to empathize with others. It can make you feel like you're losing your humanity. It makes it harder to relate with others or to want to engage in social situations.

[QUOTE=ShimTaco;49274522]If you live your whole life unable to take risks, you won't get too far. Just ask her, if she says no, then hey, she isn't the only girl in the world. If you're afraid because she'll end the friendship or mock you or fuck with you about it, it would have been a shitty relationship anyways. If you ask and she says no, and then she's like to her friends "HAHA HE ASKED ME OUT LOLOL" then she's a bitch to begin with. Don't stick your dick in fuckers like her, bro.[/QUOTE] I don't know her that well, she's just a cosplay chick I talk to at conventions, so she won't be too hard to avoid, more of a fantasy geek than a Sci fi one like me, no idea why I find her attractive. She's not the the sort of person that would give me a hard time after being rejected, but for some reason the feelings are too strong. I'd rather just forget her existence rather than have a crippling memory. I don't really understand why getting rejected would be any better than what I'm doing.

Not the same thing as dealing with more minor stuff like rejection, though, of course. It's just situational. I view "hurting" and "suffering" as two different things. [editline]8th December 2015[/editline] GG automerge [editline]8th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;49274911]I don't know her that well, she's just a cosplay chick I talk to at conventions, so she won't be too hard to avoid, more of a fantasy geek than a Sci fi one like me, no idea why I find her attractive. She's not the the sort of person that would give me a hard time after being rejected, but for some reason the feelings are too strong. I'd rather just forget her existence rather than have a crippling memory. I don't really understand why getting rejected would be any better than what I'm doing.[/QUOTE] The more you get rejected, the less it will affect you. There is a benefit to asking her out and being rejected - that benefit is that you gain resilience and (as killerteacup pointed out) introspection/insight.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49274575]It's more so that this was an infatuation, which means my brain was fooling me, but if it was somebody I didn't have an infatuation with and the rejection would have been minimised.[/QUOTE] don't believe that infatuation is bad everyone always says it's so bad but it's really not, it's your body and mind telling you go for it, like "i need some of dat" infatuation goes away when you realize that they poop and fart like everyone else, but you won't find out about that until you've tried it wont go away until you've either been rejected or learn that they poop, because until then you'll believe in your heart that they're perfect, even if you tell yourself they're not so basically go for it infatuation isn't your mind fooling you, it's trying to tell you to try because you are infact interested in this person, the longer you put it off the more hurt you'll be [editline]8th December 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;49274911]I don't know her that well, she's just a cosplay chick I talk to at conventions, so she won't be too hard to avoid, more of a fantasy geek than a Sci fi one like me, no idea why I find her attractive. She's not the the sort of person that would give me a hard time after being rejected, but for some reason the feelings are too strong. I'd rather just forget her existence rather than have a crippling memory. I don't really understand why getting rejected would be any better than what I'm doing.[/QUOTE] the more crippling of memories is years later when you realized you've missed an opportunity to be with a great person you'll keep thinking back to that time when you were like "I wished I asked, even if I was rejected, now it's too late." I keep thinking back to all the times I've hid, and realized I should have just tried, but the times I was rejected I can look back on and laugh

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;49274904]I respect the sentiment/general idea, but going through a lot of bad experiences has more adverse effects than beneficial ones. Trauma wears away at your ability to empathize with others. It can make you feel like you're losing your humanity. It makes it harder to relate with others or to want to engage in social situations.[/QUOTE] I can relate to this entirely. I feel that over the years of bad experienced, having people just walking out on me without a reason when everything seemed to be fine, led me to isolate myself a bit and kind of avoid emotionally connecting to strangers and thus making new friends and lovers. I noticed that I started getting romantically involved or to develop feelings towards girls who were already friends rather than taking my chances with someone entirely new. Emotional safety, I guess. Well it turned out that friends are as likely not to work as partners than new people you meet. However, as hard as it is for me. I keep trying not to give up. I don't want to isolate. I'd rather not be selfish and give everyone new who wants to get in my life a clean slate, so I keep giving someone new a chance and taking that risk. Life is full of surprises and suffering is unavoidable. So there's no point in taking chances at the good things in life.

[QUOTE=Fire Kracker;49274950]don't believe that infatuation is bad everyone always says it's so bad but it's really not, it's your body and mind telling you go for it, like "i need some of dat" infatuation goes away when you realize that they poop and fart like everyone else, but you won't find out about that until you've tried it wont go away until you've either been rejected or learn that they poop, because until then you'll believe in your heart that they're perfect, even if you tell yourself they're not so basically go for it infatuation isn't your mind fooling you, it's trying to tell you to try because you are infact interested in this person, the longer you put it off the more hurt you'll be [editline]8th December 2015[/editline] the more crippling of memories is years later when you realized you've missed an opportunity to be with a great person you'll keep thinking back to that time when you were like "I wished I asked, even if I was rejected, now it's too late." I keep thinking back to all the times I've hid, and realized I should have just tried, but the times I was rejected I can look back on and laugh[/QUOTE] In that case what would I do to forget the pain, if I do ask just to eliminate any 'what if' regrets? The outcome is all but assured and I don't want to look like an idiot and stand there trying to suppress any negative feelings. That's the part that scares me. Infatuation isn't a good thing, it turns people into stalkers, makes the logical part of the brain be at odds with the emotional one, which is far from good.

Is infatuation the new buzzword