Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v7 - Bro just do it, She prob likes you - General

[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;49708495]Typically "extra semesters" after your initial 4 years are NOT covered by tuition.[/QUOTE] Wait, so after 4 years schools typically stop giving financial aid? In that case I'd still would probably be fine money wise but I still have to figure out the exact numbers for everything

I think it depends. If you're going for further degrees, I'm sure they offer more financial aid.

Okay so yeah talked to my therapist today and he agrees that I am a fearful-avoidant in terms of attachment style (attachment theory is his main focus, he's a relationship and emotional psychotherapist). My job is to learn to react better to external events, and differentiate instead of retreating and beating the emotional shut out of myself when I get even slightly hurt or face any sort of conflict. So I need to be unafraid to communicate, and learn that if I speak in a neutral and honest way I am not responsible for hurting someone else or for their reaction. My only question is, should I bother trying to date right now? I'm not gonna lay all this out in a first date or anything, but I'm easily exploited and have a very hard time saying no. Most of my previous relationships have either been manipulative or abusive, and I honestly have no idea how to connect with, trust, or love another person it seems. At least at a level required in a relationship. I think its a good learning experience anyways. I dread being 40-something and single, which seems par for the course for most people like me. So instead of panicking and running away, I'm trying to fight it and become better. I'm just terrified of putting myself out there and getting hurt again. It'd be rather unfortunate :/

[QUOTE=paindoc;49709956]Okay so yeah talked to my therapist today and he agrees that I am a fearful-avoidant in terms of attachment style (attachment theory is his main focus, he's a relationship and emotional psychotherapist). My job is to learn to react better to external events, and differentiate instead of retreating and beating the emotional shut out of myself when I get even slightly hurt or face any sort of conflict. So I need to be unafraid to communicate, and learn that if I speak in a neutral and honest way I am not responsible for hurting someone else or for their reaction. My only question is, should I bother trying to date right now? I'm not gonna lay all this out in a first date or anything, but I'm easily exploited and have a very hard time saying no. Most of my previous relationships have either been manipulative or abusive, and I honestly have no idea how to connect with, trust, or love another person it seems. At least at a level required in a relationship. [B]I think its a good learning experience anyways. I dread being 40-something and single, which seems par for the course for most people like me. So instead of panicking and running away, I'm trying to fight it and become better. [/B] I'm just terrified of putting myself out there and getting hurt again. It'd be rather unfortunate :/[/QUOTE] Come on man, you're over-reaching a bit here. I don't know how old you are (If you're 35, well, that might happen, but still) but dating doesn't somehow miraculously stop when you turn 40. In fact, a lot of people date even past that age - from divorce or just looking for new things. Don't put time constraint on romantic affairs, it's not necessary to just be in a relation so you aren't single. Especially since if you really want to be in a romantic relationship just out of fear of not being in one, you'll find yourself hurt and probably used again. I'd just recommend meeting new people for now, not necessarily for dating, but just to know them better. Go with the flow, and don't be scared of staying at friends for a bit. Don't rush something as fragile as romance, because that's how you just get dependent on your partner and get used.

[QUOTE=haloguy234;49688333]*Tales from the dark side*[/QUOTE] This reminds me of how blind I am with women giving hints. My friends often tell me they want to kill themselves when they watch me chat with a woman who, as they say, is super-clearly interested in me and dropping hints everywhere and I'm there like "Eh, cool." Usually these encounters have a, uh, happy ending with the woman getting sick of my blindness and then just doing something radical like grabbing my crotch or ass or just suddenly kissing me. THEN I go "Oh. OOOOOOHHH!" and go along with it. :v: Latest one is my girlfriend. She's pretty straightforward so she just went "YOUUUUUU! FUCKING IDIOT!" on our first night out clubbing and proceeded to eat my tongue. That's when I thought "Huh, maybe she likes me?"

I've been struggling with the women ever since my last breakup, I've had 3 online dates but I just get blocked shortly after, I started seeing some girl but she told me she wasn't attracted to me so things sort of fizzled off. I work alone and all my friends are in serious relationships so I feel sort of stuck Idk.

just broke up and i sure as heck don't feel as confident about it as i told myself i would be if such a situation ever arose i mean it's the best thing for us but at the same time boy do i feel like absolute shit

After my last break up(like a month ago)(for similar reasons of how it's just better for both of us) I've forgotten how to meet people or talk to people because i don't feel like i'm confident in myself anymore either(i was also in quite the shitter after i told her "let's break up." despite me saying "eh it'll be fine.") the bright side is i get to go bowling with my friends every sunday on a side note me and this Q T girl kept exchanging glances and we were smiling to each other as she was walking out of the gym(like those glances when you mutually see a Q T) and she looked a last time before she left and i just said to myself "shit i didn't want to stand up i bet people would have stared(even though i know nobody cares), or what if she wasn't looking at me(though i looked around and no one was behind me)" ( ; ~ ; )

Update regarding my tales from the dark side. I asked her for a redo and she laughed and said sure. I then said "trust me, it will be the best 10 seconds of your life" and she said "prove it". IT'S HAPPENING

this is gonna get depraved, real fast

[QUOTE=paindoc;49709956]Okay so yeah talked to my therapist today and he agrees that I am a fearful-avoidant in terms of attachment style (attachment theory is his main focus, he's a relationship and emotional psychotherapist). My job is to learn to react better to external events, and differentiate instead of retreating and beating the emotional shut out of myself when I get even slightly hurt or face any sort of conflict. So I need to be unafraid to communicate, and learn that if I speak in a neutral and honest way I am not responsible for hurting someone else or for their reaction. My only question is, should I bother trying to date right now? I'm not gonna lay all this out in a first date or anything, but I'm easily exploited and have a very hard time saying no. Most of my previous relationships have either been manipulative or abusive, and I honestly have no idea how to connect with, trust, or love another person it seems. At least at a level required in a relationship. I think its a good learning experience anyways. I dread being 40-something and single, which seems par for the course for most people like me. So instead of panicking and running away, I'm trying to fight it and become better. I'm just terrified of putting myself out there and getting hurt again. It'd be rather unfortunate :/[/QUOTE] Several of the counselors I know at my school focus on mindfulness/ACT therapy in particular. It focuses on practically the opposite of what you're describing here. The idea behind ACT is that struggling against your emotions doesn't work - telling yourself to stop feeling afraid or upset is only going to make you feel worse when those emotions don't go away. Instead, you should allow yourself to feel those feelings. Anyone in your shoes, with your past experiences and your own perceptions of events in your life, would react the same way you do. It's okay to feel negative emotions because those emotions aren't going to prevent you from living your life. You can feel completely terrified about communicating and it won't prevent you from doing it. I would recommend reading the book The Happiness Trap.

How can one do something one is afraid of without supressing the fear?

[QUOTE=Cosa8888;49715022]How can one do something one is afraid of without supressing the fear?[/QUOTE] You do it and you shit your pants.

I can't really see how can you do something while shaking and being barely able to think :v

faking confidence can go a long way. at the end of the day you have to just bear down and do whatever it is no matter how much it sucks or how anxious you are

I downloaded tinder to give it a shot, the amount of girls I found that I used to work with is hilarious. also a surprising amount of people actually on it considering the population of the islands here.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;49714715]Several of the counselors I know at my school focus on mindfulness/ACT therapy in particular. It focuses on practically the opposite of what you're describing here. The idea behind ACT is that struggling against your emotions doesn't work - telling yourself to stop feeling afraid or upset is only going to make you feel worse when those emotions don't go away. Instead, you should allow yourself to feel those feelings. Anyone in your shoes, with your past experiences and your own perceptions of events in your life, would react the same way you do. It's okay to feel negative emotions because those emotions aren't going to prevent you from living your life. You can feel completely terrified about communicating and it won't prevent you from doing it. I would recommend reading the book The Happiness Trap.[/QUOTE] Oh, my bad. I shouldn't have structured it to imply I'm avoiding my emotions - my therapist taught me mindfulness meditation and helped me make it a habit. I've gotten much better at not burying my emotions, and now I'm working on learning to understand them. I am trying to avoid my previous reaction of bottling the emotions, essentially. I used it today when I got really anxious that I had made myself seem crazy in front of a friend - I meditated for a bit on the bus, calmed down, and came back feeling much better and with a better understanding of wtf was going on. Got over terror of communicating in this instance, essentially. Mindfulness meditation is huge for me. I use it to control the emotional outbursts, not in a way that involves bottling them, but stopping thought snowballs that run away from me. It used to go like *get hurt, feel terrible *->*convince self I'm just melodramatic and over emotional instead*->*get stuck being torn between these two views* [editline]10th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Cosa8888;49715022]How can one do something one is afraid of without supressing the fear?[/QUOTE] You embrace the fear, as bottling it or avoiding it lets it run out of control. Confront the fear so you understand why you feel the fear, imo.

[QUOTE=Cosa8888;49715022]How can one do something one is afraid of without supressing the fear?[/QUOTE] depends on what it is you're trying to do that you're scared of, really. what specifically? knowing this thread i'm going with "talk to a girl" but that might not be it

might re-download tinder again now that I'm single if only to keep myself from falling into a pit or something. just to make some friends or something idk anyone have any tips for coping the day of?

[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;49715693]Embracing fear is great. I'm afraid of every speech and presentation I have to give. But you know what I do? I always volunteer to be first. Not only does it increase my ever-growing ego (it is getting to critical mass), the courage expressed kinda supresses the fear. It's like I'm telling myself "Yes, you can do it. You just volunteered, so obviously you have what it takes!" Do it enough times, you won't be afraid anymore. Just my input on that matter [editline]10th February 2016[/editline] Find some sweets, and just pig out. I celebrate/mourn with these girl-scout-cookie ripoffs from Walmart. Super unhealthy physically, probably a godsend mentally.[/QUOTE] For fears like that, and especially test anxiety, I write out all my thoughts on that on a piece of paper and then toss it out. You realize how silly some of your fears are when they're on paper like that, and throwing it out feels symbolic too. Helps blow off steam, and has helped me go into tests feeling so much more level-headed

[QUOTE=Cosa8888;49715022]How can one do something one is afraid of without supressing the fear?[/QUOTE] you do it and see what happens, results may surprise you

[QUOTE=Cosa8888;49715085]I can't really see how can you do something while shaking and being barely able to think :v[/QUOTE] I don't get the purpose of asking then...

I had this whole post typed out then realized it was a novel so here's the tl;dr version. One of my friends got super drunk and we ended up spooning on a cold uncomfortable tiled floor, and after a week of avoiding the fact that I was developing feelings for her because that's my natural response to developing affection, my friends just came by and told me that when she was getting drunk she was going on about the fact she liked me and they could see us both being oblivious after the fact and decided to spill the beans. Gonna ask her out tomorrow.

cute

your friends are good people

[QUOTE=Cosa8888;49715085]I can't really see how can you do something while shaking and being barely able to think :v[/QUOTE] Unless your body has literally stopped working, there is nothing preventing you from getting shit done. The problem isn't your fear, it's that you're using your fear as an excuse to not do something.

so i signed up for okcupid just to idk make sure i didn't fall into a puddle of my own emotions and maybe talk to some local guys and make some new friends or something but hoo boy i have 95 likes and i've only had the page for like 2 hours and lemme tell you, some of the messages these guys send are wild i got hit on by a 40 year old military dad it's been a real trip

[QUOTE=Pascall;49718817]so i signed up for okcupid just to idk make sure i didn't fall into a puddle of my own emotions and maybe talk to some local guys and make some new friends or something but hoo boy i have 95 likes and i've only had the page for like 2 hours and lemme tell you, some of the messages these guys send are wild i got hit on by a 40 year old military dad it's been a real trip[/QUOTE] omg. I'm sorry for giggling like I am but I am and can't stop did he use the word daddy? I tell you, nothing ruined the word "daddy" and "boi" faster than using grindr looking like I do. Guess I should sign up for okcupid too, if you had the resolve to try again so soon I don't have a damn excuse. I just need to stop putting it off.

it provides a good distraction even if I'm not actively looking for another relationship so soon. just nice to talk to people and be social I guess

My college is 72% male and just about every girl here has a boyfriend. While there is a city nearby, I've never really gone into the city or partied before and nobody I'm friends with does either. Am I just doomed to be single for the entirety of my time here or is there something I'm missing that could help.