Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

How the fuck do people stand to be around me [editline]7th September 2016[/editline] i swear to god the only thing I do is whine and bitch about shit that goes on in my own fucking head that must get so fucking old at some point to SOMEONE

How do you stop being so paranoid about the people you love and the people around you? A simple mistake of my friend falling asleep tonight ended up making me think he wanted me to fuck off and making me anxious to the point of feeling ill. I really want it to stop because I know it's going to affect my relationships with people in the future.

I feel you so much. I just realize how lucky I am. I felt like utter shit yesterday because I though I upset her, but then she said she still wanted to talk with me, and being me, I was close that I told her I didn't want to, that I wanted to sleep. She then told me she still loved me, and that she just needed some time off because of her emotions. And it's at this point I realize, how much I love her. To the point of me feeling so bad that I couldn't function properly. Love is a sweet thing really, not when you argue. But then she texted me "I wish I could be next to you right now, cause a kiss usually can make this go away" And I feel, so much right now. Feel like I finally found someone that wanna love me, that I love equally much, that I wish I never upset them. But I'm glad it happened, because now I realize how much she means to me.

I think my exhaustion is starting to lift ever so slightly. I still feel pretty tired but I don't really give much thought to being fatigued. I just notice I feel a little better than usual. I'm not 100% sure why that is which is a little frustrating but at least it's improving. I did quit smoking a little while ago. Tomorrow will be the 14th day with no cigs. Perhaps the nicotine addiction has tapered off and the withdrawal was causing my fatigue, I don't know. Maybe it's because I've added omega-3, d-ribose and creatine to my supplements, I don't now. Maybe the mental benefits of hitting the gym are finally coming around though I'd have thought it would have arrived a lot earlier so I'm not sure. In the end it's good that I'm feeling a little more energetic but I'd love to know specifically why I'm feeling better than I did. Always very frustrating to have something be alright for a period, lose that feeling and then you don't even know what you've done differently which made it go away.

I put a lot of words, so I'm going to make it simple for all of you, I hope at the least someone can read it. I am a very emotional person, when I'm angry, I get really angry, I gain courage, I feel like hurting other people, I lose myself in my own anger, when I am sad it's the opposite, I lose courage, I lose my willpower to continue moving with my life, I lose myself in my own sadness, I forget about the people who love me, like my family and my pets, I forget about all those people who have lend their hands to help me, I forget about all my achievements. The first thing I want everyone to know is that I never do it in purpose, I didn't choose to be born this way, I didn't say "mom, dad, I want to be an extremely emotional person when I grow up". You need to believe in me when I say that [B]I do everything under the sun to try and control myself[/B] My friends are all cold people, they believe that certain people are less than them because they have mental issues, they believe they are always right and that people like me are weird, people like me have extreme issues and shouldn't be taken seriously. That's why I rarely speak when I hang out with them, they will never understand me and I don't want to ever be like them. It might be true that I have mental issues, but I've never been cruel to a person for no reason. I mean, I don't have bad intentions or ever legit plan to hurt other people for no reason. I wish my IRL friends could understand what's going on with me, but they will never understand it because they don't even pay attention to me anymore because nobody wants to hear about it. My friends put themselves in a position where it's just not worth for me to even express myself anymore. Since they are cold and "express themselves based on facts" as they say, they assume that every single complaint or opinion I have is because of my mental issues. Not only that, but they have claimed to be better persons than me because "they speak with the truth" unlike me, I'm overly emotional. I always find it quite ridiculous for them to claim to be better persons than me when they have claimed to do things that wouldn't do myself such as: - Humiliating and completely judging a person over their sense of humor - Killing animals for fun and them defending themselves arguing that animals aren't like people and their lives are worth less than them. - They have completely insulted and secretly heavily discriminating people by how they look like, plenty of times and generally in situations where it's completely irrelevant. If being a good person means being like them, then I guess I'll remain as a mentally ill person.

Happy birthday to me.. Oh who am I kidding, birthdays haven't been happy for the past 6 years...

Well, my life sucks right now. After lurking around here for ages might as well at least try to post. Today I had to walk to work because nobody was home to drive me. Hour long walk along a busy road essentially. I did what I had to do. For the entirety of this summer all that has been on my mind is me dying. And it feels awful. I'm not in school after just graduating, all of my friends are in some kind of university. And here I am working at an okay retail job that I can't drive myself to because I'm ridiculously scared of driving. On top of that I'm getting lectured on how I didn't try hard enough in school. (I guess 4 AP classes doesn't count for crap.) How all I am is attitude towards everyone, and so on. I don't have a ride to work tomorrow. or a pick up i assume. I got told i should just take cabs because my dad just doesn't want to deal with me and my attitude or anything. All this summer I've been lectured on how I need to get a license, need to drive, need to be more independent so on and so forth. Today all I got was yelled at on the ride home. I work hard to make my own ends meet. I try so hard to at least enjoy driving but I physically cannot relax behind the wheel. And just about everyone in my family thinks I'm crazy because of this. People I cannot just set my own limits on when i'm ready. Last time I drove i got tossed into a place i'd never been before, then had to go onto the main busy road around where I live to get home. Absolutely freaking me out. Sophomore year I threatened to down a shitton of pills to get out of everyone's way and that ended up with me hospitalized and lectured by several people on how my life is great and so on and how many people care for me. Yeah, people really cared for me when I got tossed out of the house last summer break for giving attitude as in, Not responding to statements that aim to provoke anger. And ignoring my dad's threats to have me thrown out and/or hit. I tried to finally bring out my feelings about how I feel right now. The general uselessness, suicidal thoughts and so on. And got an overly sarcastic "I guess this is something from long ago, [I]right?[/I]" and I just backed off completely and got yelled at for attitude as usual. Then was promptly told i could find someone else to take me to and from work. I just wish I had someone other than steam friends to talk to about stuff like this. I get backup and empathy, but i don't move on from it or anything. All it does is reinforce the feelings I do have. The uselessness self hatred. All I do is try to cover it up on the outside to make it seem like I'm okay. And to an extent I guess I am. It's just everything I live with is so toxic that I feel like i could just drop off the earth and nobody would give a damn. Guess it's going to be another of those years.

20 year-old Asian midget (160cm) living in New Zealand, stupidly fast metabolism that prevents me from gaining weight, stomach ulcer that hurts like hell every other day and can develop into cancer. Victim of 16 years of racism from even my own people because I came from a group of minority and was born in a country full of uneducated, disgusting self-proclaimed elitists. Living alone and 15000km away from family. Sometimes I want to end my life, because my life sucks, maybe even short because any day now I can get diagnosed with stomach cancer. But my brother recently gave me a niece and she looks like an angel, and I have a girl telling me that she loves me, understands me. Maybe I will live a little longer.

God damn I forgot how amazing ritalin is. I stopped taking it a while ago because my other medicine was making me even more tired and I had no motivation to even get up to take my medicine in the morning but today I decided to just take the ritalin and now I feel great.

Put together a budget today. I have yet to actually input any transactions but at least I have a budget. Feels very liberating, good to feel like I am in control of my own economy. This will definitely make it easier to actually spend money on what I want and not stuff I want a little. Maybe it'll reduce some stress in my everyday life as well. Been having issues economically as of late which isn't too fun, hopefully this'll help with that.

I hate my memory. I remember a lot. By no means do I have "auto-biographical" memory, but I'm probably just a step or two below that. I had a fight with my girlfriend a week ago that got fucking ugly because I recalled an entire argument/fight from a few years before where she'd said some really ruthless shit and I threw it back at her. She didn't have a clue she'd said that 3 years ago, I still remember it crystal clear. Or like how I can remember every minute of sitting bedside with my Dad as he died, down to pulling out my phone to check the time to make my own personal time of death. That one I can understand, it was traumatic, but I recall shit from elementary school, almost 20 years ago now with some really shocking clarity. It sounds weird to not enjoy that, but I can't forgive people without a lot of effort. I hold grudges without meaning to, I always feel cheated by people who forget how much I give over the years. I always feel slighted that I remember everyones birthday, and everyone forgets mine.

Getting forced to quit my job because my dad isn't able to experience life. Oh and he is refusing to take me out driving now. My offer. Doesn't matter to him. Suicide is a joke, got told i can walk from now on. As well as how everything is my fault because i can't take responsibility for anything. FML

I'm not sure why, but every time I take a test on a computer, I end up freaking out when I see the color red. What's worse is that this happens so frequently for me, that I'm unable to take most psych-evaluations to figure out if I have stuff like ADHD or otherwise. I don't even know why I'm so terrified of seeing the color red. It's not even a case of something like blood or any other example of red, it's only when it's provided to me in the form of a test on a computer. My mind just locks up and I stop thinking, and only act with the motion of my hands.

backstory: -dropped out of uni bc life felt dull and wanted to kill self(parents potential divorce, lots of debt, broken emotions for over 3 years) -seeing or talking to people I know started to give me anxiety and more sadness -went through recruitment process for military to get way from this life and live a new life away from my problems(seems to have fallen through, might end up not joining military) -only thing keeping me pulling through is working out at the gym (I'm trying to get back into music now since that was what i used to love) -dropped most of my friends and only still have like 4 people left who i talk to but not on a daily basis to summarize my current emotions and situation: -met girl on tinder, has been the most amazing experience of my life -spending time with her has made me realize how numb I was to the pain i have -every second with her and her talking to me was a second in heaven -everything seems too perfect, like out of a movie and we seem like a match made in heaven -stops talking to me and its been over a week since she last replied to my texts. I haven't been texting or calling her like crazy, it would be one text a day at the most. I don't understand why im so pained by this, she's everything i would ever want and she told me the same. its really making me hate myself so much and I don't know what to do. I'm considering seeing a professional bc I really feel like there's something wrong with myself.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;51023254]My friends are all cold people, they believe that certain people are less than them because they have mental issues, they believe they are always right and that people like me are weird, people like me have extreme issues and shouldn't be taken seriously. That's why I rarely speak when I hang out with them, they will never understand me and I don't want to ever be like them. It might be true that I have mental issues, but I've never been cruel to a person for no reason. I mean, I don't have bad intentions or ever legit plan to hurt other people for no reason. I wish my IRL friends could understand what's going on with me, but they will never understand it because they don't even pay attention to me anymore because nobody wants to hear about it. My friends put themselves in a position where it's just not worth for me to even express myself anymore. Since they are cold and "express themselves based on facts" as they say, they assume that every single complaint or opinion I have is because of my mental issues. Not only that, but they have claimed to be better persons than me because "they speak with the truth" unlike me, I'm overly emotional. I always find it quite ridiculous for them to claim to be better persons than me when they have claimed to do things that wouldn't do myself such as: - Humiliating and completely judging a person over their sense of humor - Killing animals for fun and them defending themselves arguing that animals aren't like people and their lives are worth less than them. - They have completely insulted and secretly heavily discriminating people by how they look like, plenty of times and generally in situations where it's completely irrelevant. If being a good person means being like them, then I guess I'll remain as a mentally ill person.[/QUOTE] Why are you friends with these people again? In all seriousness I don't even care. I would much rather have no friends than have people like that around me. Just the thought of it makes me angry.

I feel so depressed around my family. I'm usually depressed anyway but more so around them. I don't know why but I have to force myself to try to act like I'm not depressed [editline]11th September 2016[/editline] Today for instance we went out to eat red lobster and I just felt miserable the whole time

I'm just mentally fucked up. I have ADHD and it prevents me from doing well in anything and it keeps making me fail and making me very fucking stupid. I'm heavily depressed even though I shouldn't. I'm bipolar making me do stupid stuff and making people look at me as a fucking idiot more than I already am and it leads to terrible consequences. I'm just so fucked up in the head I don't want to go into much detail. [B]I'm failing at everything despite trying as hard as I could go and I want to die before I disappoint everybody else.[/B] I feel like I'm mentally fucking insane. I feel like I want to scream so fucking loud and die right after, I want to cry so hard and die. Part of me wants to just scream out loud and hurt and kill people in the most fucked way, and there are many people who are annoying and bully me like shit because I'm a socially fucked up guy that I want to slit their fucking throats or beat them crazy or fucking shoot them. I'm just so fucking lonely that one day I might even rape a fucking girl out of desperation. Right now I'm stable but I feel that sooner or later I might just break out and fucking do all these things because I feel like I'm holding that all in now. [B]I just want to fucking die because I hate my life and my self and to possibly prevent any of this shit happening and hurting other people.[/B] Also, my girlfriend hooked up with another guy. I won't blame her because I think it's my fucking fault, I mess everything up. She was feeling very low and looked for another guy for comfort then hooked up. I won't blame her because I know what she was like. I should've been there. I should've been more talkative. I'm piece of fucking shit. [B]I'm losing everything and have no one and I want to fucking die because I'm a worthless piece of shit. Please tell me how I can end this fucking life. I don't want to hurt myself any longer and I don't want to hurt others. I really don't think I can be saved or is worth saving.. I just want my suffering to end before it gets worse for me and everyone else[/B]

God I ACTUALLY just texted my ex trying to get back together with her, bad call. It seems like I'm always good intentions with awful execution, I don't understand where half the shit I say comes from in hindsight and that really fucks me up

Not been doing very well lately, and one of my guinea pigs is sick - he's about 6 years old and a long-haired breed so it may be that he's reaching his final age, but it's worrying me and it hurts to watch him in pain.

So this is going to sound so fucking melodramatic and stupid, but it's eating me from the inside out. I bought my parents a new vintage vacuum cleaner since I was sick of the new stuff breaking down all the time. When it came in, my mom liked it so much she returned a new one she bought. The thing worked great, and was literally the best thing ever for a week. Then once when I was using it, I noticed the motor slowing down and making all sorts of noises. I took it apart and tried to find out what was going on, but I could never decide what caused it. Enter me buying a new motor that didn't fucking fit, and now the seller isn't responding to my attempts of sending it back. And now this thing isn't going to be ready to use for another weekend (we vacuum every weekend) I feel like such a massive fucking failure, and a massive piece of shit. I'm just spending my money ordering random shit. The sad thing is the new one probably would've been working while I'm sitting here fumblefucking around trying to shill my vintage shit. I just want to stop existing. I just want something to go right. I just want this vacuum off my bench, and into service. Now we can't clean our fucking house because I'm fucking retarded.

wow it was 14 years ago since I had sleep paralysis, and this time a drown victim shoked me. It was quicker than it used to be.

Still feel unnaturally tired. I can't do anything. Still have blood in my shit. But yeah, it's [I]"all in my head"[/I].

It's not worth it. It's not fucking worth it. Everything I do, it only makes things worse. I've given up, I suggest all of you give up too. I'M FUCKING TRYING HARDER THAN I HAVE EVER DONE BEFORE AND NOTHING IMPROVES. IT JUST GETS WORSE. I don't think it's worth the effort. I give up. I fucking give up. I suggest all of you give up too before it gets even worse. Times where you feel you succeed are only to get you to feel like there's hope and joy but it's only there for a while before things go back down again, making you feel even worse since you feel like there's hope just a second ago. I give up.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51044589]It's not worth it. It's not fucking worth it. Everything I do, it only makes things worse. I've given up, I suggest all of you give up too. I'M FUCKING TRYING HARDER THAN I HAVE EVER DONE BEFORE AND NOTHING IMPROVES. IT JUST GETS WORSE. I don't think it's worth the effort. I give up. I fucking give up. I suggest all of you give up too before it gets even worse. Times where you feel you succeed are only to get you to feel like there's hope and joy but it's only there for a while before things go back down again, making you feel even worse since you feel like there's hope just a second ago. I give up.[/QUOTE][media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGRhd_iWuE[/media] I don't know why, but sometimes when I feel down I watch this video, for some weird reason it helps.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51044589]It's not worth it. It's not fucking worth it. Everything I do, it only makes things worse. I've given up, I suggest all of you give up too. I'M FUCKING TRYING HARDER THAN I HAVE EVER DONE BEFORE AND NOTHING IMPROVES. IT JUST GETS WORSE. I don't think it's worth the effort. I give up. I fucking give up. I suggest all of you give up too before it gets even worse. Times where you feel you succeed are only to get you to feel like there's hope and joy but it's only there for a while before things go back down again, making you feel even worse since you feel like there's hope just a second ago. I give up.[/QUOTE] It feels terrible to fail, but just imagine how good it feels to succeed. Since my last periods of depression I've held those memories where I've succeeded close at heart. It feels awful there and then but I know I've felt happiness before. Why wouldn't I be able to feel that again? That question is always answered with "I will feel that again" and I've been right every single time. You are probably right in that there'll only be joy for short amount of times before it goes back down, that's normal. I don't think anyone is happy at all times as that'd probably be labeled as mania, it's just that people who are okay with life just won't go back down to depression every time. Not happy, just neutral and decent enough. Perfectly okay in other words. Fixing depression is not about being happy 24/7 I've found, it's just learning to push negativity away and have a healthy mindset that doesn't spiral down to depression. Happiness 24/7 is a hopeless goal. It might sound depressing that it's not normal to be happy all the time but it's not really that bad, it's just the depression making it sound worse than it is. Giving up closes a lot of doors. Think about your future self, he could be having the time of his life. If current you gives up then you're making sure the future you won't get the chance to actually be happy and okay with life. Personally I wouldn't risk that. I'm not saying this is you but I'm just saying anyway in case it is you. I know I did this a lot myself where I'd try one thing to get better. Maybe it was to go upstairs and talk to my family (I was very sick at my lowest point, I never left my room) in hope it'd help me deal with my issues? I went out of my comfort zone at the very least, should help right? I'd go up and I'd feel very uncomfortable as I had left my comfort zone. Then I'd go down again and think "wow what the fuck I've been trying so hard, harder than ever before, and now I'm feeling worse than ever. this isn't worth it, why am I bothering at all". In reality I had only done a single thing and I faced the natural consequences from leaving my comfort zone. In my head, I had tried the hardest I had ever tried and now I was feeling worse than before. Depression made it seem like I had tried a lot of things with no success, as if I had been really going at it. This wasn't true at all. I had only done a single thing. Getting better in general isn't a steady climb. You'll hear this from plenty of people who talk about their own recovery. Life will be perfect for a few days, then your life will be worse than ever the next few days. Maybe with even bigger gaps than days as well. Eventually you'll get more and more good days and less worse ones but you will have to keep at it. You say it yourself, you have moments where you feel like there's both hope and joy! You are capable of leaving your depression, you've proved that to yourself. You just keep falling back into it since you haven't fully recovered yet. Try your best to remember these good moments and cling onto them. They will become more frequent and they will last longer, you just have to focus more on them and focus less on the worse periods. [editline]fakeedit[/editline] Noticed your post prior. I notice you write using "I am that and that" etc. Just wanted to mention something my psychologist has mentioned a few times and something I've seen mentioned within psychology. Always remember that thoughts influence actions and feelings, actions influence thoughts and feelings and feelings influence actions and thoughts. By thinking "I am mentally fucked up", you're going to influence your feelings regarding the topic. You will feel mentally fucked up and your thoughts will take that as a proof that yes, you are mentally fucked up. Your own mind will turn into an echo chamber and make lies seem reality when they may as well not be. Since you're now feeling and thinking you're mentally fucked up, you're gonna start limiting yourself in how much you're willing to do to get better as "you're mentally fucked up so there is no cure". Your actions end up influenced and you do less. Perhaps the easiest place to start when it comes to getting better is fending off thoughts like "I am that negative thing". You'll feel better and you'll be willing to do even more to get better.

[QUOTE=Drk;51043723]Still feel unnaturally tired. I can't do anything. Still have blood in my shit. But yeah, it's [I]"all in my head"[/I].[/QUOTE] Are you diagnosed with anything, or did you just suddenly start shitting blood. Cause that's really not good.

Society: "You don't look ill." Us: "And you don't look like a fucking doctor." :v: :goodjob:

Can't sleep tonight anymore. Kept awake as usual by old events from years ago. I will never forgive myself for doing them .Will probably live with this haunting me for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew why I'm so miserable. There really isn't a reason. I just hope I don't stay this way forever. I don't have any interest in anything anymore.

anyone have any experience with buspirone and nortriptyline for GAD and chiari malformation headache? [editline]14th September 2016[/editline] or i should say any experience with good treatments for chiari malformation in general? my severe tinnitus is worsened by opiates for the pain and i'd like to avoid benzos in general