Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I love it when my friends ask if I want to hang out and then don't respond 2 hours after you were supposed to meet up. I don't know, maybe some thing happened. It's not fair for me to get on my friends case because he's been going through his own depression, also the other friend we were supposed to hang out with has a crazy mom, but could he at just say some thing back? I feel like I just got flaked.

I've been taking Wellbutrin, stavigile, paxil and imovane for a while and honestly there are days which I feel catatonic. Im a bit worried about too many substances messing up with my head. Can something like this actually happen? [editline]18th June 2017[/editline] That last one is normally used for short term insomnia but I've been taking it for months (as my doctor told me so). I'm not sure if he's aware of that. This can actually cause lots of dependence and if I stop taking it I'll feel withdraw effects. I've been feeling down lately and I think this medication might be contributing to that

everything just keeps getting worse. my motivation is dead, my interest in video games is dissolved, social media is starting to become grating and miserable to look at - yet i don't feel like i can do anything else. I'm failing 4 out of 6 classes this term, my SO is having guilt panic episodes, it's all i can do to just.. will myself to stay conscious during the day. i feel like everything is my fault. i know it isn't but i'm just. fucking buried under a gravel pit. giving up seems more enticing every day [editline]18th June 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=jp_rsardeto;52373248]I've been taking Wellbutrin, stavigile, paxil and imovane for a while and honestly there are days which I feel catatonic. Im a bit worried about too many substances messing up with my head. Can something like this actually happen? [editline]18th June 2017[/editline] That last one is normally used for short term insomnia but I've been taking it for months (as my doctor told me so). I'm not sure if he's aware of that. This can actually cause lots of dependence and if I stop taking it I'll feel withdraw effects. I've been feeling down lately and I think this medication might be contributing to that[/QUOTE] you should go talk to your doctor. if you feel like it's not helping anymore it probably isnt

Everything feels so wrong. I hate having responsibilities, I just wanna disappear.

[QUOTE=damnatus;52359012]If I try anything that involves moving forward for some reason I feel like a small child. I give up on the smallest sight of failure, I am jealous of people who have made even a little progress, this sort of thing. Don't know any way to deal with this to be honest[/QUOTE] ^^^^^ I can relate to this right here. I feel like a lost child when I'm in control of my own choices in life and transitioning into adulthood has only reinforced this feeling, and I think it's because my family never gave me much indipendence and then decided to throw me out. I've got good news and not so good news, The not so good news is I kindof wish I was single but I'm in a position where I am relying off of my girlfriend to stay off the streets. She's kind to me, she's emotionally good for me for the most part. I'm in love with her personality but she's reacted poorly to some good thing that happened in my life and I feel like it would be best if I made her just my friend once I get a foothold on my life. (Which I should, soon.) Good news is, the day after tomorrow is my road test. I know I'll pass, if not, I have enough to take it again a couple times. Driving relaxes me and I found a perfect first car, worst case, it's big enough to live in (jeep cherokee) and I can tie a canoe to the top rack. [B]My ex best friend messaged me and apologized, gave me an explanation and we had a small civil conversation (I felt so happy and excited it was unreal.)[/B]about a new QOTSA album coming out a couple days after my birthday this august (we bonded over that band in the past and "...Like Clockwork" had a lot of meaning to me and she wanted to be nice and tell me about it. Well the song that came out "The way you used to do" (she was just sharing the song and I didn't take it as anything else) was what my ex best friend sent me, and my girlfriend took it as me cheating on her. I explained that it was just closure and a small bit of catching up and that me and my ex best friend were not going to be friends again, just chat, and I was given the ultimatum of either blocking my ex best friend or being thrown out. [I][B]Ofcourse I respected my girlfriend and blocked my ex best friend with a breif explanation that I can't talk to her anymore but the closure was very healing, because I understand my girlfriend had been cheated on in the past and I wanted to show her I'm loyal but in the back of my head I thought it wasn't fair I couldn't catch up with someone who swallowed their pride to apologize to me. ESP someone who was so involved in my life.[/B][/I] Now I'm kindof monitored a bit and not allowed to talk much to online aquaintences, but I don't monitor her and I let her talk to whoever she wants because I trust her. Part of me thinks my gf needs to not let her insecurity control my freedom but part of me understands that she needs my trust and I should respect that because its the right thing to do. Plus I'm living with her so I kindof have to do as I'm told because I'm so close to establishing indipendence its not even funny. [editline]18th June 2017[/editline] She also doesn't understand I don't want to live in this state forever, I am miserable up here and want to go travel places and she just wants to stay in the same ghetto town. My goals conflict with hers and its kindof sad. [editline]18th June 2017[/editline] >Basically her past partners abused and cheated on her and she's upset and fearful I will so she wont allow me to talk to females.

[QUOTE][B]Now I'm kindof monitored a bit and not allowed to talk much to online aquaintences[/B] [/QUOTE] :dogwow::dogwow::dogwow: That's heavily disrespectful by her side for you. You shouldn't lose your own privacy so that others can feel like they have control. That is some heavy manupilation and that's the bit that you should keep on your own. If she cannot respect it, then she shouldn't be your girlfriend at all.

Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship and not realising it. You shouldn't be held hostage by living with her and her being cheated on in the past. I'd start looking at alternatives...

This may not be the place to post this, but today was fucking great. Went to the country side with my folks and a big group of friends. I had a lot of fun even if I didn't really do much. It was so nice to just hang out with the gang and enjoy the sunny weather. A total 180 when compared to the terribly emptiness I felt yesterday.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52374848]Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship and not realising it. You shouldn't be held hostage by living with her and her being cheated on in the past. I'd start looking at alternatives...[/QUOTE] I already am, at the moment I am kindof (stuck) not for long though. Like I said my driver's license test is the day after tomorrow, I found a car already I just have to buy it and insure it which will happen before July hopefully so I'll be all set. The car is good and I can just buy it up front from being good at saving money. I may even have a little extra to buy a canoe after I get an insurance plan. She isn't bad, like she has cared for me and done a lot for me and given me a place to stay for free, while I'm greatful as all hell and gladly do my part by doing dishes, taking care of their pets, and chipping in groceries, I am not very happy in this relationship because physically I can't fall in love with her and I'm just not attracted to her, and I am also trying to be empathetic of what she is going through. She doesn't know I'm not attracted to her because I've kept it hidden. I have goals and dreams that she isn't quite on board with but she isn't really trying to stop me. [editline]18th June 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Eldariub;52374869]This may not be the place to post this, but today was fucking great. Went to the country side with my folks and a big group of friends. I had a lot of fun even if I didn't really do much. It was so nice to just hang out with the gang and enjoy the sunny weather. A total 180 when compared to the terribly emptiness I felt yesterday.[/QUOTE] Its good to hear positive news!!! Gives people hope. Right on!

That's all fine and dandy but she has to know that there's a [B]limit[/B]. A limit has to be set [B][I][U]somewhere[/U][/I][/B]. The fact that you are willingly controlled by her is quite... detrimental, to say the least.

[QUOTE={TFS} Rock Su;52374958]That's all fine and dandy but she has to know that there's a [B]limit[/B]. A limit has to be set [B][I][U]somewhere[/U][/I][/B]. The fact that you are willingly controlled by her is quite... detrimental, to say the least.[/QUOTE] She's got social anxiety and is a bit awkward, I'm her first "real" girlfriend, the others just cheated on her and used her... so I don't think she's "advanced" enough to be willingly controlling, this is why I feel bad for her and like I should respect her and be empathetic somewhat. She is not really the one to make me feel like I am stuck, Its moreso my own fears and wanting to respect her while still going for my goals. I personally hate how my anxiety is making me feel like I'm using her for a place to live temporarily, but part of me feels I have to be selfish to make it in life because I do care about her, I am contributing a bit to her household, and she's done a shitload to help point me in the right direction on how to get insurance and stuff... I just don't "love" love her.

I don't know what to do anymore, It feels like no matter what happens, no matter how much I try, sooner or later I'm going to end up killing myself, one way or another. I've pretty much lost all hope. I have nothing to live for. The person who I care about the most, the reason I'm still alive, pretty much hates me now because I did something stupid. She was the one who was always there for me, who I vent to and comfort to, and now she's gone. I can't live for myself either because as I and everyone else has proven time and time again, I'm pretty much a lost cause. I'm literally the most useless, meaningless, worthless person you could think of. Every time I try to improve on myself, a situation, or something else, it's a guaranteed failure. I've tried so hard to improve myself and my situation and it never works. Nothing improves, it's all in vein and all it does is bring me down even further. It's hopeless and I can't do it anymore. I'm bombarded with mental illnesses which can't go away no matter what I do. I have nobody now. My parents are pretty much disappointed in me for not going to public university and they can't understand me. I feel like if I die it's going to be a blessing in disguise. I'm pretty much going to end up being homeless or unemployed, all after spending their time, money, and efforts, and I don't want to see them disappointed for that. It's much better if I go now. There's nothing else, now. I'm 18 and I just graduated, but it feels like I still need at least 10-20 years to be ready for everything else. I just graduated and there goes millions of school dreams that will never come true and I doubt my dreams will ever come true, ever, with my situation. Adulthood and the rest of my life just feels like I'm just going to go even lower. I don't want to live anymore, at all. It all feels desolate. I hate the life I'm living, the world I'm living in and the world would pretty much hate me if I continue on. I have nothing to live for anyway. I'm eager and excited about dying. I won't feel any more pain, no more sadness, no more ADHD, depression, OCD, all those dumb complexes, nothing. It's better to rest in peace than to live a never ending pain.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52375263]I don't know what to do anymore, It feels like no matter what happens, no matter how much I try, sooner or later I'm going to end up killing myself, one way or another. I've pretty much lost all hope. I have nothing to live for. The person who I care about the most, the reason I'm still alive, pretty much hates me now because I did something stupid. She was the one who was always there for me, who I vent to and comfort to, and now she's gone. I can't live for myself either because as I and everyone else has proven time and time again, I'm pretty much a lost cause. I'm literally the most useless, meaningless, worthless person you could think of. Every time I try to improve on myself, a situation, or something else, it's a guaranteed failure. I've tried so hard to improve myself and my situation and it never works. Nothing improves, it's all in vein and all it does is bring me down even further. It's hopeless and I can't do it anymore. I'm bombarded with mental illnesses which can't go away no matter what I do. I have nobody now. My parents are pretty much disappointed in me for not going to public university and they can't understand me. I feel like if I die it's going to be a blessing in disguise. I'm pretty much going to end up being homeless or unemployed, all after spending their time, money, and efforts, and I don't want to see them disappointed for that. It's much better if I go now. There's nothing else, now. I'm 18 and I just graduated, but it feels like I still need at least 10-20 years to be ready for everything else. I just graduated and there goes millions of school dreams that will never come true and I doubt my dreams will ever come true, ever, with my situation. Adulthood and the rest of my life just feels like I'm just going to go even lower. I don't want to live anymore, at all. It all feels desolate. I hate the life I'm living, the world I'm living in and the world would pretty much hate me if I continue on. I have nothing to live for anyway. I'm eager and excited about dying. I won't feel any more pain, no more sadness, no more ADHD, depression, OCD, all those dumb complexes, nothing. It's better to rest in peace than to live a never ending pain.[/QUOTE] I can relate to a lot of this. Is there any way you can surround yourself with some new faces? Like I tried making some new friends and wile they're only aquaintences and I cant feel "close" to them, I'm at least able to vent to them and they can do so with me and it helps a little tiny bit. Do you have any hobbies you still enjoy? [editline]19th June 2017[/editline] Speaking of my own situation, my gf's family keeps discouraging me from getting this nice jeep I've had my eyes on. It looks promising and I can afford it in full, plus insurance... and if I can't haggle the price down I'll still have a thousand dollars left over from it all. I understand they are looking out for me but I had my sights on this really nice 1970's british stick shift convertible that looked cool and was good, but they knocked my confidence down a peg and made me settle for less, and this jeep they're even discouraging when they were on board with it until I made progress towards it. [B][I] I'm tired of lowering my standards and I expect things to go SOMEWHAT my way and I have the means to do so but everyone keeps putting doubt in my head.[/I][/B] My anxiety and paranoia tells me they're manipulating me into settling for something awful because they're jealous they never took risks in their life and settled for less so they want me to as well because I have more freedom and I am debt free, but logically I realize they aren't in control of me and my life, and I can always take it as just cautious advice not to blow all of my savings on a car that's going to be garbage. [I](Except the cars I was looking at aren't 100 percent garbage, its realistically in my price range and I'd be foolish to settle for anything less, but they want me to.)[/I] IDK I'm stuck inbetween listening to my gut and negotiating as realistic of a solution as I can so I'm not stranded in the middle of nowhere with a broken car and no money.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52377938]I can relate to a lot of this. Is there any way you can surround yourself with some new faces? Like I tried making some new friends and wile they're only aquaintences and I cant feel "close" to them, I'm at least able to vent to them and they can do so with me and it helps a little tiny bit. Do you have any hobbies you still enjoy? [/QUOTE] I can't, I'm on my own now and I'm just rotting here in my room. And no, I don't enjoy anything anymore. What's there to enjoy when you just end up failing and disappointing. [editline]20th June 2017[/editline] I want this all to end [editline]20th June 2017[/editline] Please end the pain.

sometimes it took me 3 hours to fall asleep, every time i close my eyes my mind wonders around and my brain started to have impulse of the shitty stuff that happened to me in the past, it's torturing me, i envy everyone that can move on from traumatizing past, and i guess i might go pass this some time later, but i can feel it, it's going to be a damn long journey before i fully recovered from the past, i just hope i have the strength to go through all of this.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52375263]I don't know what to do anymore, It feels like no matter what happens, no matter how much I try, sooner or later I'm going to end up killing myself, one way or another. I've pretty much lost all hope. I have nothing to live for. The person who I care about the most, the reason I'm still alive, pretty much hates me now because I did something stupid. She was the one who was always there for me, who I vent to and comfort to, and now she's gone. I can't live for myself either because as I and everyone else has proven time and time again, I'm pretty much a lost cause. I'm literally the most useless, meaningless, worthless person you could think of. Every time I try to improve on myself, a situation, or something else, it's a guaranteed failure. I've tried so hard to improve myself and my situation and it never works. Nothing improves, it's all in vein and all it does is bring me down even further. It's hopeless and I can't do it anymore. I'm bombarded with mental illnesses which can't go away no matter what I do. I have nobody now. My parents are pretty much disappointed in me for not going to public university and they can't understand me. I feel like if I die it's going to be a blessing in disguise. I'm pretty much going to end up being homeless or unemployed, all after spending their time, money, and efforts, and I don't want to see them disappointed for that. It's much better if I go now. There's nothing else, now. I'm 18 and I just graduated, but it feels like I still need at least 10-20 years to be ready for everything else. I just graduated and there goes millions of school dreams that will never come true and I doubt my dreams will ever come true, ever, with my situation. Adulthood and the rest of my life just feels like I'm just going to go even lower. I don't want to live anymore, at all. It all feels desolate. I hate the life I'm living, the world I'm living in and the world would pretty much hate me if I continue on. I have nothing to live for anyway. I'm eager and excited about dying. I won't feel any more pain, no more sadness, no more ADHD, depression, OCD, all those dumb complexes, nothing. It's better to rest in peace than to live a never ending pain.[/QUOTE] It'll work out, you'll get on the right track if you hang in there. I've been in a similar situation and it's awful but you gotta give it time, you're not suffering for nothing!

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;52378471]It'll work out, you'll get on the right track if you hang in there. I've been in a similar situation and it's awful but you gotta give it time, you're not suffering for nothing![/QUOTE] I can't remember how much I hear this, push myself to hold on even longer, and then nothing happens in the end, everything still going downhill.

I'm going to be working two jobs at once because my girlfriend's uncle offered me a job at a produce store (which will be easy AF) and a ghetto conveinence store (moderatley easy once I learn how things work there, customers are gonna be a problem but its gonna be ok) called me to get me an interview later tomorrow after my road test (hope I pass) I'm dedicated to establishing my own indipendence away from her and her family and my family because I'm just unhappy here. I might go for the jeep anyways and stash away as much money as I can until I know what I want to do with my life. (Worst case, flee this place when winter hits and go down in a warm southern state. I have zero direction with my life and I don't know anybody, I'm alone it seems, I just need to get away.) I'm so lost. I dont know what I want to do with my life but I'm just trying (aimlessly) anyways. [editline]19th June 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52378546]I can't remember how much I hear this, push myself to hold on even longer, and then nothing happens in the end, everything still going downhill.[/QUOTE] I can relate, but trying to make things better gives some form of satisfaction... somewhat.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52378546]I can't remember how much I hear this, push myself to hold on even longer, and then nothing happens in the end, everything still going downhill.[/QUOTE] I know, I know, but from an outside perspective, you're only 18, there is something to it.

I can't help but feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment, here. For years now, I've believed that the only thing that could make me happy was finding a girlfriend. Now, I have since learned that this is false, [I]but I still believe it.[/I] What's gonna happen if I do ever get a girlfriend, and find out it solves nothing? This is the only thing I've ever really cared about. The one thing that kept me going all these years was that I didn't want to die a virgin. I needed to experience that connection. Without that hope, what do I have?

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52378563] I can relate, but trying to make things better gives some form of satisfaction... somewhat.[/QUOTE] But in the end when all that hard work doesn't pay off, is not what you expect, and the situation ends up being worse than you do before you tried to make things better, it doesn't give any satisfaction, and believe me, this is how it always goes for me. [QUOTE=MrJazzy;52378565]I know, I know, but from an outside perspective, you're only 18, there is something to it.[/QUOTE] Not really. It doesn't matter how long life is still going to last, but when everything around you is bringing you down hard, and you literally can't do anything to change yourself and fight back, it's better to just give it up. I've known some young people who ended their lives prematurely, known about themselves and their situation, and I can't say that I wouldn't end my lives sooner too if I were them. Even if I manage to make something of myself, as impossible as it sounds, I would need to forget about everything and just focus on that one thing that I'm trying to my whole life. Say something that a 10 year old can do (a lot of which I can't), it would take me my whole lifetime to just focus on that and when I manage to achieve the slightest of what I'm trying to do, I would not live long enough to enjoy it, I would have nothing left.

Never feel like you have to put up with a lot of people's shit just to make friends. Looking back I can't believe how much I put up with from people who just wouldn't change throughout the years, and I regret it. They throw their insecurities on you to inherit as your own and really couldn't give a shit about you past a certain extent. If you feel like there are walls around your friendship or it's fake, gtfo or try to address it. Don't do what I did, waste three years of constantly forgiving their shitty attitudes, letting them abuse my house, coming over drunk when my family is home, constantly lieing to me and starting group stuff without me; all while in the same breath never once inviting me over to their place, making fun of me, yelling at me, constantly talking shit behind my back and calling me stupid for going to community college because I can't afford to go to a University anymore, and also [I]constantly[/I] making fun of my extremely unlucky and very painful love life. God DAMN I feel like shit today.

Good news, just had a girl tell me on snapchat how she admired how confident I was and wanted to hang out. First time I ever got a compliment from a girl for awhile, feels good. Not getting that weird disassociation stuff anymore so that's good. Any tips on what to do while chilling with a girl one on one? When I hang out with girls I am usually with a large group of people, not too great at one on one hangouts.

Talk about anything/everything Music/Shows/Movies/Food/Drinks/Family You'll know when you find something that's interesting as you'll both just carry on the conversation without any effort Also, make sure you're going into it not expecting anything, unless she's made it obvious she's interested.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52380766]Talk about anything/everything Music/Shows/Movies/Food/Drinks/Family You'll know when you find something that's interesting as you'll both just carry on the conversation without any effort Also, make sure you're going into it not expecting anything, unless she's made it obvious she's interested.[/QUOTE] That's a motto of mine, I don't expect anything from a girl just because I buy her food or whatever. I am not entitled to that and she is not entitled to expect anything from me either imo. EDIT: Made plans for Friday, told her I would take her to a neat coffee joint since she loves coffee and then we will kick it at her place I guess.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52378981]But in the end when all that hard work doesn't pay off, is not what you expect, and the situation ends up being worse than you do before you tried to make things better, it doesn't give any satisfaction, and believe me, this is how it always goes for me. [/quote] Sounds like you see not meeting expectation as a failure, which is damaging to you. What are your expectations? What made you set them and are they realistic? If you set your goals too high with no clear path of achieving them then you are setting yourself up for a fall, its self sabotage without even realising it. Best to set small realistic aims which you can reach. If your situation changes and you don't meet that aim then its the situation, not you. This helps your insulate yourself against the shit life throws at you, instead of blaming yourself you are, correctly, identifying why stuff goes wrong. Then you can replan, mitigate against random shit or choose to invest your time elsewhere. [quote] Not really. It doesn't matter how long life is still going to last, but when everything around you is bringing you down hard, and you literally can't do anything to change yourself and fight back, it's better to just give it up.[/quote] Age does matter. I'm 26. At 21 I had some shitty shitty years. I had to get help. Now I have more experience, I know myself, I know shit randomly happens, I know how to deal with shit that happens, I know that sometimes stuff is out of my control. 15ish till early 20s are formative years where lots of stuff changes, theres lots of pressure on you and you want everything (success, life, happiness) to happen but you have no clear path to get there, all the while everyone is telling you that you must. (teachers, parents, social expectations, tv) Your entire life up to this point has been goal oriented with "do this work to get an A on the test". Life is probably now more "heres a goal, reach it" with little information how to get there. You learn how to cope though, learn to identify stuff as none important, learn to recognise opportunities or make your own opportunities. [quote]I've known some young people who ended their lives prematurely, known about themselves and their situation, and I can't say that I wouldn't end my lives sooner too if I were them.[/quote] It's an option sure. but its an extreme and permanent fix to a temporary problem. If you stick to it you'll reach a happier time and look back on this part as just a chapter rather than the whole book. 18 is too young to say "I've blown it". [quote] Even if I manage to make something of myself, as impossible as it sounds, I would need to forget about everything and just focus on that one thing that I'm trying to my whole life. Say something that a 10 year old can do (a lot of which I can't), it would take me my whole lifetime to just focus on that and when I manage to achieve the slightest of what I'm trying to do, I would not live long enough to enjoy it, I would have nothing left.[/QUOTE] Definitely too goal oriented. You're beating yourself up over stuff you cannot control. Your goal "make something of myself" is too nebulous and too unattainable. A) you have no defined endpoint, you could get a great job and you'll still consider this task unfinished B) impossible as it sounds, makes it seem like you don't see a path there, so you are burdened with worry and feel like you have no agency - humans need agency. an unattainable goal is just torture, literally tantalising in the worst way. C) You don't need to forget everything, "jack of all trades" are wanted more than you think. In work you need to be able to apply what you're doing, understand context. Even if your work doesn't employ your other interest, those interests are what makes you a person. They flavour your understanding and make you an interesting person to talk to. I hope you can find time to do what you love, I hope you can find work which actively encourages your own personal growth. Those opportunities do exist but they may be harder to find. D) you talk about "when I manage to achieve the slightest of what I'm trying to do", it sounds ambitious. Ambition is good but imo break it down into smaller more achievable tasks, recognise your achievements. If you cannot achieve them then figure out why, its probably an unrealistic aim or a change in circumstance, you can learn from both. Final note: If something is out of your control then do not dwell on it. Sometimes life throws a curve ball or a series of curve balls. Your strength is your ability to adapt and persist, you might not hit the curve balls but you can reasses the situation and say "that happened, I can't control that, how can I make the most/minimise the impact".

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52381114]Sounds like you see not meeting expectation as a failure, which is damaging to you. What are your expectations? What made you set them and are they realistic? If you set your goals too high with no clear path of achieving them then you are setting yourself up for a fall, its self sabotage without even realising it. Best to set small realistic aims which you can reach. If your situation changes and you don't meet that aim then its the situation, not you. This helps your insulate yourself against the shit life throws at you, instead of blaming yourself you are, correctly, identifying why stuff goes wrong. Then you can replan, mitigate against random shit or choose to invest your time elsewhere. [/QUOTE] That's what I've been doing, doing it little by little. I do know what's wrong and I've been trying to fix it ever since. The problem is when I do get around it, it wouldn't matter at that point. [QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52381114] Age does matter. I'm 26. At 21 I had some shitty shitty years. I had to get help. Now I have more experience, I know myself, I know shit randomly happens, I know how to deal with shit that happens, I know that sometimes stuff is out of my control. 15ish till early 20s are formative years where lots of stuff changes, theres lots of pressure on you and you want everything (success, life, happiness) to happen but you have no clear path to get there, all the while everyone is telling you that you must. (teachers, parents, social expectations, tv) Your entire life up to this point has been goal oriented with "do this work to get an A on the test". Life is probably now more "heres a goal, reach it" with little information how to get there. You learn how to cope though, learn to identify stuff as none important, learn to recognise opportunities or make your own opportunities. [/QUOTE] Good for you, unfortunately it's going to be harder for me. [QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52381114] It's an option sure. but its an extreme and permanent fix to a temporary problem. If you stick to it you'll reach a happier time and look back on this part as just a chapter rather than the whole book. 18 is too young to say "I've blown it". [/QUOTE] I never understood that. Wouldn't you want a permanent solution? So it'll never happen again? If I get a temporary solution it'll just happen again. [QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52381114] Definitely too goal oriented. You're beating yourself up over stuff you cannot control. Your goal "make something of myself" is too nebulous and too unattainable. A) you have no defined endpoint, you could get a great job and you'll still consider this task unfinished B) impossible as it sounds, makes it seem like you don't see a path there, so you are burdened with worry and feel like you have no agency - humans need agency. an unattainable goal is just torture, literally tantalising in the worst way. C) You don't need to forget everything, "jack of all trades" are wanted more than you think. In work you need to be able to apply what you're doing, understand context. Even if your work doesn't employ your other interest, those interests are what makes you a person. They flavour your understanding and make you an interesting person to talk to. I hope you can find time to do what you love, I hope you can find work which actively encourages your own personal growth. Those opportunities do exist but they may be harder to find. D) you talk about "when I manage to achieve the slightest of what I'm trying to do", it sounds ambitious. Ambition is good but imo break it down into smaller more achievable tasks, recognise your achievements. If you cannot achieve them then figure out why, its probably an unrealistic aim or a change in circumstance, you can learn from both. Final note: If something is out of your control then do not dwell on it. Sometimes life throws a curve ball or a series of curve balls. Your strength is your ability to adapt and persist, you might not hit the curve balls but you can reasses the situation and say "that happened, I can't control that, how can I make the most/minimise the impact".[/QUOTE] I know where I want to go. Trust me, it's next to impossible for me to do it. There's a whole lot more to what I'm facing than what I'm saying above.

Felt like posting about my current situation with you guys, While i'm very lip tight about my life style i think this should help me cope with my problem. Venting time. So i recently had a psychological assessment in order to see if i'm eligible for government help but here the thing. This all started from just wanting some basic walfare since i currently couldn't find a job due of the economy being a bit on the low end but it spiralled into this thing i couldn't even control anymore and now i'm being told i have a form of Developmental disability and that i need severe help. But i don't need help that's the thing, I never really liked having my hands held by someone due to my problems, My whole life i've been blowing though all my problems and coping with them in order to live a "ordinary" life and for all that to fall apart in two days really aggravates me because i have no control over it, "Oh we'll help you get a job! But at the expense of us telling them about your mental handicaps" or "Couldn't find a college or university? All good, We'll just force you to go out and learn basic things that you've learned like 10 years ago!" and i know i'm being whiny but all i wanted is some walfare to support myself during my college years.... While i was able to tell them i'm pretty much a "normal" functioning human being with social problems (like most people do to an extent) they still insisted that i needed help in order to become more "social" and all that. I want to add that i had a two jobs before this in the past, it's just that times are a bit drab for work and i didn't manage to find a school to get to for the Summer so i needed some income support outside of my family and relatives Well here's my wall of problems, other than that i'm perfectly fine and i'm in the most gleeful i've ever been in years. I don't expect anyone to relate but here you go.

I've been feeling stuck fairly recently, with regards to pretty much anything. Think about the future i want but feel like i cant get, the things i want to get good at but cant find the motivation or pleasure to do, life stuff i cant control i probably sound like every person ever but its really bringing me down. i just want to get out of this rut, its so frustrating

Fucking shit, I had insomnia all last night. Now I have to cancel tutoring because fuck off if I am driving around like this. I thought at least I have my psych tomorrow so I can ask for sleeping meds, but then I remembered I cancelled him too in order to help a friend with a gig at a venue. Fuck, I can't let this get any worse. I'm gonna have to completely reschedule my whole weekend if I wanna turn this around next week.