Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=gtanoofa;52385703]I started cutting myself 3 weeks ago and so far i've made 7 wounds on my right hip. The more i do it the deeper i go every time.[/QUOTE] You'll regret it later on so try to find something else to take your pain out on. It may feel good at the time but all you're doing is scarring yourself which will stay for you the rest of your life. hmu if you wanna talk dood

[QUOTE=gtanoofa;52385703]I started cutting myself 3 weeks ago and so far i've made 7 wounds on my right hip. The more i do it the deeper i go every time.[/QUOTE] I know it feels bad but please try to stop cutting yourself. It does nothing for an outlet and leaves you with scars that are gonna stay forever. If you need somebody to talk to feel free to contact me and try to find some professional help as soon as possible

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52378981]But in the end when all that hard work doesn't pay off, is not what you expect, and the situation ends up being worse than you do before you tried to make things better, it doesn't give any satisfaction, and believe me, this is how it always goes for me.[/QUOTE] Sounds like people around you have demanded or expected from you much more than what's realistic, and you might've learned to think that nothing less is enough. I might be dealing with the same thing. It's as if those parts of me that wanted to live and believed in a positive future are just... not here. [editline]21st June 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=kharkovus;52358143] So, seeing as I was 19 and having nothing really better to do, I decided to try marjiuana. This was not a good idea for me in retrospect. I used it three times, and I assumed that it was just weed, it couldn't really do much to me: it wasn't a major psychoactive hallucinogen like mushrooms or LSD so bad trips wouldn't be a permanant worry. Unfortunately, after that third time, my feelings of dreaminess and dissassociation stayed and turned into a full-on, permanant and PHYSICAL feeling of not being in control of my body. When I was high, the effect was like a delay between sending input and my body's output in terms of motor control, and a delay in processing sensory inputs such as somatic touch and prorioception. I felt out of body because of that delay and the seperation of mind/body it caused. After the effects of being high wore off (which took like a week) the delay went away, but that mind/body seperation feeling didn't. I was left with an inherent feeling of being in a dream and lack of control over my body; as if I was stuck inside my head and not a part of my body. An automaton with a person hidden inside. [/QUOTE] The first time I smoked I had these exact effects and much more, motorics, perception, consciousness, basically made every part of my mind go haywire. Didn't have anxiety or panic before that to speak of but after that they became a daily problem. The dreaminess and dissociation faded slowly, after a year it didn't hinder life much, and after two years it was basically gone. During this time I was doing mental and breathing practices and such to control anxiety. Still, after that the dissociation and warping of consciousness did return in full force once out of the blue, which was incredibly scary to put it mildly. Constantly it feels like I might succumb back into it at any time unless I am careful in my mind, which leads me to think it's some form of panic attack rather than the drug. As far as I know certain types of panic and anxiety can last weeks or even months unless stopped with medicine.

Fucking hell, just when i thought today is going to be a good day, i started to remember my shitty past again, it feels like a damn kick to my face and because of this i end up going through the day feeling like a sack of shit. GODDAMN.

It seems like the world is out to get me again.

Anyone here ever get prescribed Wellbutrin for depression/anxiety, and if so, were there any horrible side-affects? I recently (Within the past 4 months) was prescribed Wellbutrin for my anxiety, and I've noticed my anxiety is much much worse now, and is now accompanied by frequent suicidal thoughts.

[QUOTE=hunter_killah;52388978]Anyone here ever get prescribed Wellbutrin for depression/anxiety, and if so, were there any horrible side-affects? I recently (Within the past 4 months) was prescribed Wellbutrin for my anxiety, and I've noticed my anxiety is much much worse now, and is now accompanied by frequent suicidal thoughts.[/QUOTE] It's actually kind of unclear whether Wellbutrin is responsible for suicidal thoughts or not, while there have been instances of it occurring no trial has so far shown anything besides an effect similar to the placebo. If you have both an anxiety and a depression disorder however, bupropion is not a first line drug for these problems and may cause increase in anxiety, because a fine distinction must be made between depression presenting with some anxiousness and depression combined with an anxiety disorder per se.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;52388987]It's actually kind of unclear whether Wellbutrin is responsible for suicidal thoughts or not, while there have been instances of it occurring no trial has so far shown anything besides an effect similar to the placebo. If you have both an anxiety and a depression disorder however, bupropion is not a first line drug for these problems and may cause increase in anxiety, because a fine distinction must be made between depression presenting with some anxiousness and depression combined with an anxiety disorder per se.[/QUOTE] My first initial week of taking it I felt some alien form of anxiety, like I was anxious all the time and I didn't know why, it was so hard on me that my Ex couldn't handle dealing or being around me when I was taking it. I was also however super motivated and active. But that went away after the first week, and the anxiety stayed. It's really strange because it's a weird form of anxiety I'm not really familiar with and cannot handle. So I took it for a month, hoping the negative side-affects would subside and that I'd get used to it, it didn't get better, and I stopped. I was perfectly fine after I quit taking it. Then I tried taking it again for a month, same symptoms first week, and it still made me feel like shit. My doctor has since double dosed me on it now, but it didn't really help. Instead of making me feel better I felt incredibly suicidal, I tried to OD on it, I went out for dangerous drives at 3am, and I would walk around strange neighborhoods for no reason. I felt compelled to cope in very strange and unnatural ways, doing things I've never done before because I felt different. Anxiety built up in my chest like I've never felt before, like a physical cloud of air building and building but never releasing, and it's like that all the time when I'm on it. I wake up now with panic attacks, constant dreams about my ex accompanied by severe tremors and shaking and social anxiety. I've tried getting out and doing stuff for myself, but I only put myself and my mental health more at risk when I try to 'cope' in ways that feel comfortable for no reason despite them being somewhat crazy and unconventional.

Could you try describing your symptoms to your doctor and asking him for a replacement drug if it's becoming this bad? Surely I would do that in your place imo.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;52389022]Could you try describing your symptoms to your doctor and asking him for a replacement drug if it's becoming this bad? Surely I would do that in your place imo.[/QUOTE] This is what I'm going to try, I recently did gene-sight to also figure out what medications best work with my enzymes and funny enough Wellbutrin was on it. Yeah it's not really working lmfao. I'm in the process of trying to get a blood test done to see if it's just my thyroid levels or something different. But apart from that, I was merely curious if anyone else here had taken it and experienced similar symptoms.

[QUOTE=hunter_killah;52389027] But apart from that, I was merely curious if anyone else here had taken it and experienced similar symptoms.[/QUOTE] I have indeed. Not wellbutrin specifically but bupropion yes. The alienish anxiety sounds very familiar. It was like not ever being able to stop thinking and like being cornered and under attack inside of my mind. It was so intense and torturous I stopped on my own accord after a week of no improvement. It's been half a year since that but still I appreciate being able to feel the peace and mental silence that the drug so deprived me of.

I don't know how much I can hold on. There's really nothing I can do more to improve myself and my situation. Went to a therapist and got expensive meds that barely or don't even work and got into trouble with my parents so I stopped visiting. If the meds don't work then I don't know what else. And that's only one of my many mental illnesses. I'm mentally behind everyone. I can't take it anymore it's so painful. Everyone I care about has gone, replaced me, forgotten, abandoned. Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare tell me to hold on even longer, try again or harder, because I've been holding on to those words from everyone and it's been giving me nothing but pain to myself and others. The longer I live, the bigger the pain will be for me and others. Because the more I live, the more I get associated with people and everyone I meet hates me in one way or another and I always manage to do something terrible that affects everyone. The more I live, the more money my parents would have to spend to just watch me be a jobless, and possible criminal when I grow up. It's better that I rid of myself now to prevent all of this. I hate having to live like this, why can't I just sleep forever or get hit by a train or something. I feel terrible knowing many meaningful people die in terrible circumstances and me wishing that I could've taken their place instead. Instead those people die while someone as worthless as me continue to rot on. I hate it. I want to disappear right now and make everything better, to get rid of these mental illnesses and feeling of endless pain in my heart.

Well my insomnia has finally come full tilt. I had an episode today after not having one in over a month. It's really starting to amplify my mood disorder. Thankfully I just got prescribed some heavy dosage sleep meds. I really hope this does the trick. It feels like my mind is rotting away with how tired I am.

I really don't understand about my life, i really hated that the fact that my life led me to the situation where i ended up fighting against myself, i always question myself, why am i still alive and breathing at this moment just to end up suffering everyday because of my past, many words, scenarios, and other random events that i see could trigger my trauma of the past and it's frustrating, it hurts and i don't know how to deal with this kinds of emotions except to just crawl to my bed and lay down while being depress and staring at the ceiling like a dead person. Everyday i woke up trying to be positive and thought that this day will be the day, this day will be where i will not get any trauma attacks, but then i realize that it is really hard for me to forget about the past and i ended up living a very depressing day, the more happy and positive i get, the more it hurts when the attack kicks in, and because of this each day become dull, i feel like my life is getting suck out of me each day and it's very painful. Fighting against another person might seems bad at first, but i think it's nothing compare to fighting yourself and your own mind especially when you can't control yourself, it will seems like the whole world turns against you and it feels like there is nothing that i can do, hope this pass through quickly before i snap.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52390435] Snip [/quote] It might help to find someone to talk to about your problems. They can ask questions, [b]listen[/b] to what you say and guide you through your options (or just lend an ear). You could try convince your parents that therapy is important to you and stick with it. Otherwise, maybe someone from this thread would be willing to talk with you on Steam (I would offer, but I'm not really available until mid July).

[QUOTE=BadgerCode;52392380]It might help to find someone to talk to about your problems. They can ask questions, [b]listen[/b] to what you say and guide you through your options (or just lend an ear). You could try convince your parents that therapy is important to you and stick with it. Otherwise, maybe someone from this thread would be willing to talk with you on Steam (I would offer, but I'm not really available until mid July).[/QUOTE] I said it already, everyone who I talk about my problems to are gone. and I don't feel comfortable and can't talk about personal stuff to people I barely know and have zero connection to.

I told you already. I've had numerous people to talk to, vent, and seek comfort to, but they never stick around for long. These people also mean something to me outside of that and I just can't replace and forget about them once one of them leaves my life. I can't find someone else and when I do, they don't stick around. I already seek meds for my biggest mental issue and it was too expensive and doesn't work.

This is rare for me, I'm going to vent. Had a job interview a couple of weeks ago. Had dozens of 'em, actually. This time I thought I had a real chance. Best interview of my life, really clicked with the interviewer and had a great conversation. I was the only one on time. Had a reference with 10 years in the company as a manager. Thought this time it would be in the bag. Didn't get it, just like the countless others. I've been feeling awful inside for years now, but this time I'm just feeling dead inside. I just don't think I have a future. I've been trying to get any bum-fuck unskilled minimum wage job for the past three years and getting nowhere fast. Walked five miles in 100 degree Fahrenheit heat for a job interview at a cashier position only to be told that that literally 300 people already applied and they were cutting it off. I want to save up money so I can go to school, but it's just not happening. I don't want to take out loans because with no job experience nobody is going to hire me, degree or not. I can't even save up the cash to get certifications. I don't even have my damn driver's license yet. My sleep is utterly fucked. My sex drive is completely dead. I have no ambition, no passion, no desire to do anything anymore. I just drink. The walls are closing in. I want to see a doctor about it but with no insurance it's not happening. I feel exactly as miserable now as I did in high school and that ended 6 years ago. I just need a way in. Anything to earn money, to start being productive. My only work experience is volunteer work and when I was doing that I was fulfilled, happy. Once I start working, being productive, I feel like I can begin to claw control of my life back. But I just don't know what to do to take that first step. Now here I am throwing a fucking pity party about myself to total strangers. [editline]23rd June 2017[/editline] Now I feel like a pathetic bitch. I'm reading this thread. I don't got problems. Not real ones. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm insulting you all.

I feel like I don't have "real" problems at times reading this thread too, doesn't make them any less significant to yourself. I've been getting a lot better since what I have been, but I still feel like I'm teetering on the edge of going back and fucking everything up, and it's really a big deal to me so I occasionally vent. Not the greatest at wording things but yeah, don't feel bad about it yo. In other news, I'm still having doubts about my relationship and my boyfriend just told me some dark shit going on in his life. Doesn't help the doubt any, and it's a great addition to my collection of anxiety-and-depression-inducing events uggghghgh

So I used to have some trouble with self confidence and self worth, and I've recently (start of april) found a girlfriend, and I am madly in love with her (I realize that it's quite recent, but yeah, I have issues). Today, she broke up with me, all that spiel about me being great, how it's her and not me ect. I honestly feel like nothing matters whatsoever anymore. I don't know what to do, and everything that reminds me of her just sends me into near suicidal mood.

I wish I knew what it was that makes people want to continue to be my friend or associate with me in anyway. I'm a fucking wreck.

I've been growing more and more apathetic lately, which is fuckin weird, I'm doing alright for once and starting college again. Recently my sister visited me and we had a huge argument about me taking anti depressants and how I can just "not be depressed". Which kinda fucked me up because the whole week I felt like there's something wrong with me. It's not like I want to be like this. I feel awful now.

Great, I thought the passing of my father wouldn't hit me so hard. I mean I was already depressive before and as I already said, knowing that my father now found his rest feels way better than seeing him suffer, but I don't know. For the last few days I had problems finding any sleep, so I usually stay awake until I can't hold it any longer and almost fall asleep in front of my PC. That however ruins my sleep rhythm and if I force myself to stay up and try to fix it, the next day it all starts again. And while I'm currently unemployed, I feel like it'd impossible to keep a job if this goes on. The worst is, I can't really see a therapist, because I've been smoking weed since I was 16 and propably won't stop until I sorted this out, it's like a valve for me. I know that smoking weed only helps the time when I'm high, I already realized that, but I feel like I'd explode if I couldn't smoke a bowl here and then. But thanks to the law, you have to be free of any drugs for 3 months to see a therapist. I mean sure I could still try to lie and such, but the process here for a therapist is that you visit your doctor, he does a health check(and propably a drug test as well) and I wouldn't pass that. Worst would be I have to do a drug therapy beforehand, so another 6-12 months wasted. What I just don't get: How am I different if I smoke a few bowls a week, while other youths get drunk as fuck each weekend and that's completely okay? Sure weed is psychoactive, while alcohol isn't, but I was already depressive before smoking, the only thing that smoking did was make my emotions and such stronger, for the good and bad. However I HAVE to do something and this thought kills me, because I just can't find an answer.

[QUOTE=Torekk;52394946]snip[/QUOTE] Grief takes time. I've not lost anyone as close as a father, but I've found thinking everything over and not holding back helps. I think it's important to think it all over now rather than bottling it up. Maybe talking to other relatives might help too. You shouldn't beat yourself up about missing sleep over this. It's understandable.

I can't believe the people around me are sincere in their caring of me

Over the course of a few weeks I came clean to my family and friends about my anxiety and I've just been prescribed some medicine. I've been staring at the bottle for a while now and I'm really scared of what it's going to do to me. Even if it helps, I don't want to lose who I am somehow. I don't want to feel like a different person. I just want to feel better. [editline]23rd June 2017[/editline] Like, this medicine is supposed to treat OCD and anxiety but how does it do that without changing your personality? I like me, I don't want to lose what makes me who I am. How do I deal with this?

Medication doesn't take away things that make you, you. Medication adjusts the way your body processes the shit in your brain so that you can function again. Any personality differences will likely only end up being a result of your energy level when on the medication. Some medication will make you tired or might make you a little more energetic. But it doesn't fundamentally change who you are. Medication essentially just gives you the ability to function. Doesn't inhibit your personality.

This is going to sound stupid. I've lived my whole life with little things like this; I'm sitting here looking at this pill bottle and the label isn't straight. I just want to rip it off and make it symmetrical, and I find that funny. I kind of like some of the stupid minor things like that about myself. I guess I've just made that a part of who I am even if it's a symptom of mental illness, since it's always been there. It's weird to think that medicine will take that away, but I'm probably overthinking this lol. This is all just weird, sorry. [editline]24th June 2017[/editline] Okay well I'm starting it tomorrow, I'm sure it'll be fine. Just anxious is all. Hopefully won't be after the medicine :vs:

I had a panic attack and small breakdown last night/yesterday afternoon. I'm a hypochondriac, I control it as best I can, but the more serious anxieties are overriding. I woke up my normal time and went to have lunch with co-workers, then came home and took a nap a few hours later. When I woke up I found I had a headache when I got out of bed and it felt like my brain was rattling around in my skull with every step, it wasn't very pleasant. For some reason my anxiety spiked and my immediate reaction was that it could be a brain tumor. And some compulsion drove me to start looking stuff up about them which just sent me over the edge as I felt that I must have one and I just got massively upset. I started shaking uncontrollably and my breathing was rapid and basically I ended up curled up on my bed trying to avoid sobbing with my boyfriend holding me trying to comfort me and reassure me that it was just a headache. Easily some of my biggest fears are those involving anything neurologically damaging. And brain tumors are high among that already high group. So headaches always terrify me, and this time the anxiety was far worse than normal. I've been on edge all night since then, though I've calmed down a lot from that point. I wish I was able to control this better or overcome it. Its been bad enough in the past I've literally been too upset and anxious to even get out of bed, sometimes for days.

Fuck knows how many will read but i need to bitch somewhere, probably going to regret this later on but w/e Since about the start of the year I've been so fucking miserable and cynical about everything though it's gotten pretty bad within last the couple of weeks. this makes me into a regular cunt all time to everyone as well (don't even mean most the shit) always being so aggressive and angry. My friends have pointed all this out so it must be p. bad. i'm thinking this is making people drift away from me as well since they're talking way less frequently than normal which is great for my really fucked loneliness I've had for the past 3 or 4 years. Idk if I have much right to complain about that since I hardly make effort to start conversations with people in the first place even if it's somewhat because of anxiety On top of this my already complete fucking crap self-esteem and anxiety is even worse now especially socially like if I were a legit social autist. Had a borderline panic attack in public of all places as well (which I literally never get) so that was lovely. I have trouble doing regular stuff that I normally do because my head is just filled with shit like "fuck why did I do/say that I'm such a retard" with a lot of it being most likely minor shit that happened forever ago/over reacting to autistic levels