Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Does anyone here have any experience with taking Clonidine?

I don't know anymore.

I'm thinking of seeking professional help, each day i feel like i'm walking on a minefield and i always end up stepping on one, trying to avoid everything that might start a flashback from the past seems futile this days. I'm both terrified and fascinated at the same time how a memory can feel so real that it can even bring down such a happy and joyful day into a sorrowful and depressing day.

I just had a vivid memory come back of when I was in Kindergarten. I remember sitting in the hall during time out or some thing. There was a group of sixth grade girls who would come up to me and verbally bully me.Eventually, the bullying got worse from the one in the middle. I remember there was a point where she picked me up by the collar of my shirt and threatened me in my face. I also remember a time where she started to pull on my hair really hard to pick my head back up when I put my head down and started crying wanting her to just go away. I think that was the only time I ever had anyone intervene; some girl around her age, probably in her class. I don't think I ever saw any of them after that. I can't remember however if I ever tried telling a teacher. Both answers worry me either way. If I didn't I don't know why it never crossed my head to do so considering how bad it was. Which makes me believe that I did, and the teachers ignored me. I see this as the most reasonable answer, and that makes me really angry. The school I went to was a low budget private religious school. And even though it's supposed to be a school based on faith, community, and trust, the teachers and most of the faculty at that school were complete slime balls. They would lie and manipulate little kids, and ignore them completely. Keep in mind also that this was an elementary school for kids K-6. If there was a problem, they would just blame it all on the kids, didn't matter what it was. My mom came in to ask a teacher about a serious question involving my growth as a kid. This was when we started questioning me being put in special ed. To put it bluntly, the conversation quickly turned into the teacher accusing my mom of being a bad parent for reason I could fuck all know. My mother practically saved my life twice, and she has taken shit like this all the time when she was just trying to find the right people to help me. I keep having a relating theme with being manipulated, lied to, or abused by people who are supposed to be helping me. Most of my problems orbit these ideas. I don't know how or why I've been finding myself in these positions. I don't know if I'm just an easy target or really unlucky. I've always been at their shit end of the stick, and I've been dealt a lot of blows, and I just feel like I couldn't take it anymore after so long. I'm tired of people dumping their shit on me, I'm tired of inheriting their problems, and I'm sure as hell fucking tired of complaining about it. I don't care anymore, I think I'm finally ready to accept the ugly side of society. Remembering this, remembering how far back it goes, and how many times I've found myself in the same rabbit hole, I'm done with the repetition.

[QUOTE=Paincake;52399624]I just had a vivid memory come back of when I was in Kindergarten. I remember sitting in the hall during time out or some thing. There was a group of sixth grade girls who would come up to me and verbally bully me.Eventually, the bullying got worse from the one in the middle. I remember there was a point where she picked me up by the collar of my shirt and threatened me in my face. I also remember a time where she started to pull on my hair really hard to pick my head back up when I put my head down and started crying wanting her to just go away. I think that was the only time I ever had anyone intervene; some girl around her age, probably in her class. I don't think I ever saw any of them after that. I can't remember however if I ever tried telling a teacher. Both answers worry me either way. If I didn't I don't know why it never crossed my head to do so considering how bad it was. Which makes me believe that I did, and the teachers ignored me. I see this as the most reasonable answer, and that makes me really angry. The school I went to was a low budget private religious school. And even though it's supposed to be a school based on faith, community, and trust, the teachers and most of the faculty at that school were complete slime balls. They would lie and manipulate little kids, and ignore them completely. Keep in mind also that this was an elementary school for kids K-6. If there was a problem, they would just blame it all on the kids, didn't matter what it was. My mom came in to ask a teacher about a serious question involving my growth as a kid. This was when we started questioning me being put in special ed. To put it bluntly, the conversation quickly turned into the teacher accusing my mom of being a bad parent for reason I could fuck all know. My mother practically saved my life twice, and she has taken shit like this all the time when she was just trying to find the right people to help me. I keep having a relating theme with being manipulated, lied to, or abused by people who are supposed to be helping me. Most of my problems orbit these ideas. I don't know how or why I've been finding myself in these positions. I don't know if I'm just an easy target or really unlucky. I've always been at their shit end of the stick, and I've been dealt a lot of blows, and I just feel like I couldn't take it anymore after so long. I'm tired of people dumping their shit on me, I'm tired of inheriting their problems, and I'm sure as hell fucking tired of complaining about it. I don't care anymore, I think I'm finally ready to accept the ugly side of society. Remembering this, remembering how far back it goes, and how many times I've found myself in the same rabbit hole, I'm done with the repetition.[/QUOTE] Damn dude that's some shitty stuff there, hope you can pass through all this shit one day man, good luck man

I feel like I'm in a way better situation then I was 2 odd years ago. I'm not exactly depressed, I still go through the occasional case of anxiety but it's much, much better now. Unfortunately though the impacts are still affecting me. I'm struggling to maintain a consistent and healthy sleep pattern and still don't have a whole lot of friends from years of distancing myself.

Had an arguement with my father involving secrets revealed. Turns out he wish i never was born, and some other stuff. I confessed my true feelings how i'd rather take my life and take him with me, instead of seeing him again. Ended up crying and puking in the parking lot lmao. But in the end nothing matters so i guess its just another day

And the award for the most worthless, meaningless, useless, pathetic, expendable person goes to...

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52403591]And the award for the most worthless, meaningless, useless, pathetic, expendable person goes to...[/QUOTE] Careful, I might have to challenge you for that title. That's depressing.

After about four months of relative peace my OCD has decided to start acting up again, why can't it just fuck off forever and let me live a normal life. :/

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52403591]And the award for the most worthless, meaningless, useless, pathetic, expendable person goes to...[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=gustavholst;52403648]Careful, I might have to challenge you for that title. That's depressing.[/QUOTE] Holes like these are the worst to fall into. I know how you feel. Some days my self esteem is non existent. The mind can be a nuisance, gnawing away at me with every little worry I have and mistake I've made. I promise you that this is just fabricated by your mind and you are actually amazing human beings, I promise. It takes time and strength to realize. Everyone is just trying to make their way through this life thing

Well bf and I are taking a break, here's to feeling like it's all my fault. woooo

It's kinda weird at the moment At most times I can tell what's bothering me, but right now everything just feels empty...more than usual atleast. I wake up, go either to work or school and just do stuff, but right now much of it lost it's meaning, even my hobbies seem to only distract me perhaps this is what happens when you're alone for too long

Oh sweet I've been contemplating thoughts about how much better off everyone I know would be if I wasn't around.

[QUOTE=Crooky14;52403905]Holes like these are the worst to fall into. I know how you feel. Some days my self esteem is non existent. The mind can be a nuisance, gnawing away at me with every little worry I have and mistake I've made. I promise you that this is just fabricated by your mind and you are actually amazing human beings, I promise. It takes time and strength to realize. Everyone is just trying to make their way through this life thing[/QUOTE] It is true, and has been proven not only by me, but everyone else, though.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52406679]It is true, and has been proven not only by me, but everyone else, though.[/QUOTE] Get rid of the elements in your life that make you feel like this. People can say things but ultimately at the end of the day it's your own anxiety that preys on low self esteem. Some days I used to look in the mirror and just hate myself and start hitting myself because I wanted to punish myself for being so useless. But it took time to realise that you have to change your own outlook on life if you want to change yourself. Remove toxic people and things that wont benefit you in the long term like addictions, and then target your own mindset, and start to stop endorsing those negative thoughts that have become so normal. It's easier said than done, and I still have trouble with my lack of self confidence, but it can be done.

Trust me, if I could get rid of at least 1 of them, in the fucking slightest, I wouldn't be here posting this shit. And believe it or not, I'm fucking trying. And this might be the most shocking thing you'll ever hear, but I have my limits on how much I can try and fail again and that I'm reaching my limits.

This is my little scream room, I wish I had one in real life but this will do for now. You go in through here -> [ .....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA[b]AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH![/b] ] <- and exit from here.

omg the effects when you stop using antidepressants, i feel physically ill and mentally disoriented

I think I finally decided. I'm going to confess (for the 2nd time and hopefully last) my love for the girl I've been chained for years now. I honestly got to my breaking point. By now I don't care if she doesn't acknowledge. I'm just going to tell her trough private messages that I just like her too much to be just her friend. After that I just cut contact and hopefully after this I can be free again to like another person again.

:snip: excessive private information nobody needs to care about

So I finally went to the doctor yesterday after having another panic attack that left me sobbing and expressed all the worries I've had since I made that post up above. He feels that I've got an actual anxiety disorder, which makes sense and the rational part of me wholly accepts. The anxious and frightened side of me however is completely opposed and still insists that I could have a brain tumor. So there is a conflict between the conscious part of me that knows better and the subconscious anxiety keeping me from feeling normal and exacerbating itself in a feedback loop. I had trouble sleeping last night, waking up basically every hour, and woke up fatigued. I had a mild headache, which worried me of course but I had bad neckpain which explains it as a tension headache of course, and likely most of the ones I've had. I was a little nauseous, which again makes sense given I haven't had the appetite to eat since last night and I have high anxiety. But I still had another anxiety attack, though not as bed, which left me curled up on the couch with my father for several hours. I've calmed down since then somewhat but I'm still on edge and trembling a bit, still getting the occasional tinge of a headache though that could be anything. It's just hard to suppress that anxiety, especially with the minor little things that pop up throughout the day. I've done a fair bit of reading in to anxiety disorders, which has helped somewhat by providing explanations for the various little weird symptoms I've been experiencing. It's still mostly just the little twinge of a headache popping up every so often throughout the day that is having the worst effect. The doctor also had me start on Zoloft for a month to try controlling the anxiety. Took the first last night and the second about an hour ago. Can anyone here with experience with it just give me the run up of what I should expect, how long it will take to kick in, things like that? [editline]28th June 2017[/editline] See and then I feel like I'm having a headache again and the anxiety starts to come right back, and its probably nothing but it fucking terrifies me.

I don't like to talk about my problems, I just take Xanax, drink some cider, smoke some weed and let the days go by. I was in and out of the clinic for 3 and a half years trying to get help, I lost weight, felt like shit all the time, pills making me drowzy. Now I am addicted to Xanax, but fuck it gets me out of this flat of mine and chatting to people so I don't see a problem right now. I get a decent night sleep too. I also gave up with the NHS because when I saw my psychiatrist for maybe the 10th time I said I had a girlfriend and she had a big grin on her face and said something like well that's great, looks like everything's going well for you then, you will probably feel better now (as if she done something well). She wrote some stuff down and I said well, I am still anxious and depressed but she like "yeah, uh huh. Great!" So I thought maybe I shouldn't have told her that, so I could have focussed on what the actual issue is with me. Oh well. Too much wasted time feeling like crap, now I will live how I want. I guess it's okay, as long as it makes me feel happier and more at ease, life is the pursuit of happiness some people say. I reckon it's just bum fucking luck unless you are born to a wealthy family

I'm fucking paranoid of being assaulted again. Two people tried to assault me the past week but I managed to escape flawlessly (with my goods intact) by punching one of them and running away. I've grown more scared every day. Criminals are everywhere and slowly taking all over the city and nobody is doing anything to stop it. I wake up just to hear about criminals assaulting public transport buses, fuel tankers, convenience stores, banks, entire buildings and killing people inside their own homes. They have even started to break through the razor blade fence at the protected neighborhood where I live. I already tried to tell my therapist and she just tells me "Well, that's just how it is" then she goes and tells me a long story about how her son got kidnapped, tortured and nearly killed but survived in some way. That doesn't help me at all. All it makes me feel is that no matter which part of the state I go, people will try to steal from me and kill me. I'm so sorry guys, I know that what I'm going to say is beyond creepy and is obviously wrong to do that. But the other day I was on my way to therapy (I take the public transport) and I noticed a guy dressed like this chick, but with a cap. [thumb]http://www.clmlombardo.com/images//pic/iZJ2hzqFMk.jpg[/thumb] Almost every criminal I've seen. Either as just normal assault and straight up shooting at you, wears a polo shirt, cap and shorts/jeans. He got inside the bus, looked at people and then got on his phone. I obviously got paranoid because when criminals bring up their phones inside the bus is to give intel to other criminals about the status of the bus. There were 5 women, 3 elderly men/women and two young guys inside that bus. It was obviously an easy target. The women are not going to resist, elder people are too old too fight and the other guy next to me wasn't gonna risk his life for a bunch of strangers, I wouldn't do it either, so I quickly stood up and approached to the exit. As I was near the criminal I began watching over him and reading his messages. Fortunately he was just a normal guy, texting stuff to his girlfriend about some breakup they had. I know it's bad, but I do this because I'm ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SCARED OF HAVING MY SHIT STOLEN AND BEING KILLED. I began to get jumpy because other similar looking people began to get inside the bus (more polo-shirts = bigger organization). I started to get extremely scared, like if I was about to die. I was sweating hard, my heart began to pound and the sounds of the bus got louder, the world was suddenly moving too quick, I've never felt like this before. Everyone began looking at me because I was getting very jumpy and scared. I began to slowly walk around, trying to look at the shape of people's bags and pockets. Just making sure that nobody was carrying a pistol or a knife. I got off the bus and ran to my therapist office. I feel paranoid when I see these cars too, criminals drive them a lot: [thumb] http://www.atraccion360.com/media/aa/images/2015/08/nissan-tsuru-2014-galeria-5.jpg [/thumb] [thumb]https://imganuncios.mitula.net/volkswagen_jetta_2005_volkswagen_jetta_2005_8090127489526044862.jpg [/thumb] These are the standard 4-doors that criminals use here. Whenever I see one of them slowly driving near me, I quickly begin to run because it probably means they'll attempt a drive-by or an on-the-move assault. Black SUVs are commonly used by bigger organizations. I don't fear them as much as the ones above, but it still sucks because they fucking shoot at you when they get near you or force you to get inside (to be tortured and killed later). And then there are the people that come after you in scooters and beat you down and steal your stuff, and the people who drive the white/black audis, like this one: [thumb]https://images.cdn.autocar.co.uk/sites/autocar.co.uk/files/styles/gallery_slide/public/audi-a4-rt-2015-0039.jpg?itok=8xYZkL6d[/thumb] Carry some powerful pistol or even a rifle, take you to an ATM by force and make you give them all your money, sometimes they even steal cars and crazy shit. I don't trust police because I fear that the law will work against me. As if they were working with the criminals too and were planning to get me killed along with people similar to me.

It's genuinely becoming a struggle to get up nowadays, I have to actively force myself to do anything. I feel like I've reached a dead end in life, I'm not very good at anything and I'm not particularly smart. I've got basically no future and no real skills. I've been just working on auto pilot at this point. Shit, I've had extremely concerning thoughts such as me getting up brushing my teeth then just considering drowning myself. I've been getting these thoughts a lot the past few weeks where I just actively consider ways to kill myself for a minute or two. The only thing stopping me is my loved ones finding out and it scares me when they go away I'd have no reason to actually not do it.

Well. I'm no longer terrified of losing my job. Because my car is paid off. But now all that's left is anger, frustratinon and contempt. I'm not sure if that's better since now I feel miserable in a far more aggressive way. I know this job has strongly reinforced my utter contempt for humanity and now I loathe having to talk to someone in person. Unless I know them of course. Fear is not a strong factor anymore. It's like 'God, I wonder what kind of dumbassery is this jerkoff gonna spew next?'

I'm still having this health anxiety that I just can't get over. A week later I'm trying to just get back in to my normal routine, but I'm constantly on edge and always have this lingering fear of something serious being wrong. Part of me feels like nobody is taking me seriously and the other part knows they're right but that lingering fear just won't go away. I keep getting this horrible feeling like I've got a very short time left to try to fix whatever is wrong, even though there is certainly nothing wrong. [editline]1st July 2017[/editline] I feel like at any moment something terrible is going to happen to me and there will be no coming back from it.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;52420177]-snip-[/QUOTE] To the best of my knowledge, Mexico is a genuinely dangerous place at the moment. Still, what you're experiencing isn't normal and very clearly you're having anxiety/panic attacks. Your therapist shouldn't dismiss you so

There are so many parts of my lifestyle I want to eliminate, but don't have the means to do so. I drink a lot of soft drink per day, maximum of 3 cans, 2 on average. I want to eliminate them completely. I used to be able to do it a while back, sticking to water only, but now I can't even do it for a short time. I hate the acidic taste they have but for some reason I keep coming back to it. I'd also like to fix my sleeping schedule. Again, it used to be easy to do, temporarily, but recently now I can't even attempt an early night. I've been trying to branch out, or rather, establish a social circle. It's going well, seeing a lot of movies recently and shit. Not everything is shit, but what is, [I]is shit[/I], at least for me,

I shouldn't complain much, but at the moment I'm trying to just stop my mind from over-questioning where I am and what I'm doing with my life. Two jobs was too hard to handle but I figured that would be the case so I just kept the easier job until I figure out what I want to do. I just feel weird staying at (what feels like) this random family's home sleeping with a girl I met on facebook that I am in a "relationship" with, and I'm in the middle of ghetto buttfuck nowhere massachussetts. It's okay because I'm socking away money as I'm looking for cars while I wait for my driver's license to arrive in the mail. I gently and neutrally cut contact with my ex best friend after our breif closure. It's better off this way because she still hasn't aknowledged that I was not at fault and I had to say "sorry" aswell, she did bring up a point where occasionally I would take out my anger on her out of nowhere but most of the time it was retalliation to abuse she dished out to me. I looked at her social media and it appears she has stayed the same and is still associating with that toxic group of people who shit talk all day. So I bit my tounge for the sake of just staying on neutral terms with her and closing the friendship at that. I don't want her in my life and I'm okay with it. Like part of me wants her to see things my way and ditch that mean group of people who spend half their time just shit talking people they think are ugly or cringey (me) and apologize and realize I was a good friend but that's never going to happen. She still acts the same, she still lives in luxury despite saying she's going through shit. (She's not, but I tried to be sympathetic as if she was going through shit because that's just who I am.) I haven't messaged her in weeks now and I'm glad I haven't because my past self a couple weeks ago would have fallen right back into the trap of falling into her... whatever the hell it is she did to keep me under her control. Night terrors about her have stopped for the most part, now its mostly absurd night terrors of me getting stabbed, yelled at, or shot by my family members, even though I've never been shot at or stabbed by my family. Personally I'm stuck in that bittersweet limbo depression keeps me in, Content I've kept going, but depressed and indifferent to everything and feeling like I need to just step away from everything and take "me time" which I plan to do someday, I'm just not sure how yet. Idk, I won't sugar coat this, I'll be real here... I can't say this for everyone but chipping away at your goals one small step at a time can feel somewhat rewarding when you achieve them. I was happy I passed my driver's test the second time but I also felt like it was surreal and my mind went directly to[I][B] "Well, now what? I didn't think I'd get this far. What's the point?" If you start questioning things, do your best to shut that down asap because it will spiral into you not realizing you made a step in the right direction. Your accomplishments, no matter how small, are accomplishments and it's better than giving up alltogether and you should take some amount of pride into that. [/B][/I] [url]http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-2504-i-survived-self-inflicted-gunshot-wound-to-face.html[/url] I also reccomend you read this because it gave me a slightly different perspective on suicide. It's not worth it, [I][B]you will affect someone,[/B][/I] and if you survive it will not feel good and might permamently ruin your body and give you more problems than when you started. I used to think that people only cared when someone died only because it affected them. I used to think anyone who wanted me alive was selfish for keeping me here, alive, and existing just to suffer for their own needs. I used to get angry when people called me a coward for wanting to kill myself. They are wrong for calling me a coward[I] but this is why they think that:[/I] most people do not mean it in an insulting way, they think you're stronger than "giving up" They also have feelings too, you're not intentionally being selfish when you want to die, but in a sense, from their eyes you are. This is why friends and family might respond in anger when you express to them you are suicidal. [/B] [B]The truth is NOBODY knows what's going on and EVERYBODY is scared of death, most people are not able to see things like most of the people here in this thread, we all are stuck seeing the bad in life because of our depression and anxiety, most of us are really surrounded by scary and shitty things, and its hard to get out of it when it's basically holding us by our ears directing us around constantly beating us down. [/B] [sp](I had "attempted" suicide before (poorly) chugged fireball whiskey until it was taken away from me, and took a handful of benadryl and ended up drunk and screaming and delusional. I felt awful after I woke up and my ex best friend dissmissed the attempt as "over reacting" and a "depression nap")[/sp] "Just keep trying" sounds so god damn stupid but ... for real just try and don't beat yourselves up for not being able to some days. [editline]2nd July 2017[/editline] I don't know what I'm looking for in life anymore and my visions for myself are constantly changing and I can't settle on just one thing. Part of me wants to be a ruthless, professionally dressed woman in a position of power (like a police officer or a politician) that people respect, admire, and fear... Something where no one will try and tear me down because I'm hellbent on having respect, and I know this stems from me not having much control in my life and being nice seemed to have never gotten me anywhere. (Some of it, looking back, was infact my own fear of plunging out into the world holding me back) Part of me just wants to explore this world, alone, see everything, and become a beast of an athlete for fun while occasionally being with people I love... but I can't quite feel love for anyone anymore because I feel like I don't know how to anymore. (My brain responding to so much rejection and abuse is to reject my own feelings of love for anybody.) But I'm terrified of being alone so it's a constant cycle.