Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=TechnoSandwic;52424329]There are so many parts of my lifestyle I want to eliminate, but don't have the means to do so. I drink a lot of soft drink per day, maximum of 3 cans, 2 on average. I want to eliminate them completely. I used to be able to do it a while back, sticking to water only, but now I can't even do it for a short time. I hate the acidic taste they have but for some reason I keep coming back to it. I'd also like to fix my sleeping schedule. Again, it used to be easy to do, temporarily, but recently now I can't even attempt an early night. I've been trying to branch out, or rather, establish a social circle. It's going well, seeing a lot of movies recently and shit. Not everything is shit, but what is, [I]is shit[/I], at least for me,[/QUOTE] On the fizzy drink part, remove them from your household and don't buy them. I used to drink fizzy drinks all the time and that was because they were within reach of me. Now I don't buy them anymore and its easier just to drink water

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52427221]On the fizzy drink part, remove them from your household and don't buy them. I used to drink fizzy drinks all the time and that was because they were within reach of me. Now I don't buy them anymore and its easier just to drink water[/QUOTE] See, issue is, even with the obvious health benefits, the rest of my family isn't so keen (and addicted) to fizzy drinks. I've tried discussing with them but it's probably not going to happen there.

[QUOTE=TechnoSandwic;52427633]See, issue is, even with the obvious health benefits, the rest of my family isn't so keen (and addicted) to fizzy drinks. I've tried discussing with them but it's probably not going to happen there.[/QUOTE] That sucks ass then... my house has gone full water so there's rarely ever any fizzy drinks. Though I did just get an 8 pack of Monster since it was £5 but I usually keep those until weekends for a treat.

I feel very terrible. I'm happy when I see something or someone I'm fond of find happiness or joy, like seeing a kid that finally gets to play with their toys or seeing them happy, even if it has nothing to do with me. I also become sad at something I don't associate with either, like seeing the store that sells something you love get closed off because no one else likes it but you. Still, no involvement with me but I become sad. The thing is seeing other people happy and the rare luck is the only time I'm happy and that's it. If one is to look inside my heart they'll only find sadness, corruption, hopelessness. I hate goodbyes. I know they say that I should be glad it happened rather than be sad that it's gone but I can't accept it. If I spend a lot of time with someone or something and I love it I never want it to end. It feels like all the emotion and hard work just goes away. The biggest fear of my life is being left alone, whether by someone or something (recently finished a very long RPG and I'm sad) I never want our time together to end. I don't know if it's me but every time I day dream or fantasize about a scenario in my mind that'll never happen (an great moment, epic, romantic) that'll never happen I kind of go insane. Like my head and my back is about to explode and I just move around crazily. [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] Speaking of ending something that I'm fond of, something of me just got taken away, how fucking ironic and what a great timing [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE PLEASE SOMEONE END MY FUCKING PAIN [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] I WANT TO DIE SO BAD PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE THERE IS NO HOPE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO END THIS FUCKING PAIN NOTHING WORKS [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] PLEASE I JUST WANT TO DIE I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANY MORE PAIN NO MORE ILLNESSES NO MORE NOTHING I'M FINE WITH FEELING NOTHING PLEASE [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] I WANT TO DIE NOTHING ELSE [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] I really really can't do this anymore [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] Quick and painless way, please just tell me [editline]4th July 2017[/editline] I'm so fucking tired of everything.

I brought my skateboard out again after around a half year hiatus. I don't know why I stopped in the first place, but it was really hard coming into it again. The main thing holding me back was my fear over embarrassment, I'm a very awkward person so if I go to the park alone and there's a lot of people there I'm just gonna end up standing in a corner for 2 hours. I begged my friend to come with me but he kept coming up with excuses, so in the end I had to go alone. And I'm glad I did. I had a lot of fun and I'll definitely head back to the park tomorrow.

I hate this month since 4 years ago i have had horrible experiences that kickstart this month of winter and free time (because vacations) thats been pain in my ass like no other. My names Julio and the month is called Julio too so its kinda ironic. Whatever, 4 years ago my father died and it sucked. I almost went mad. Next year my gf and i couldnt see eachother for the whole month because lots of reasons and i felt really, really miserable. Next year we broke up after a huge fight. we went back and split and back until she started seeing another guy. Yep, July of 2016 Wanted to kill myself. Now i fell inlove with a friend and had to get away from her because it was hurting too much. She hates me and all of our plans went to the dumpster. And i thought this was gonna be my year, shame.

I don't understand what's going on right now so maybe somebody knows what I'm talking about I physically cannot take my meds, it's sending me into a downhill spiral and I'm having a horrible time. I just can't force myself to take them. I don't even know how to describe it other than like having a mental block or something how do I force myself to do it

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52430457]I don't understand what's going on right now so maybe somebody knows what I'm talking about I physically cannot take my meds, it's sending me into a downhill spiral and I'm having a horrible time. I just can't force myself to take them. I don't even know how to describe it other than like having a mental block or something how do I force myself to do it[/QUOTE] Is it something mentally or physically preventing you from taking your meds?

guess I wasn't clear they're sitting on the table next to me right now and have been for weeks, and I haven't taken them for weeks because every time I try or even think about it it just feels so unpleasant and I can't touch the bottles

-snip-

god I hate summer

Dunno why but I've always skipped over this thread even though it seems like a good place to talk. Maybe because I've always had difficulty expressing my issues I never gave it a chance. Been having a rough time lately and maybe soon I'll want to talk about it here. Until then I hope everyone has a nice night.

Ive been lonely perpetually forever. But I can't ever expect to love another when I can't love myself.

Alright this might sound disturbing, and I don't have a therapist atm because I am on a 6+ month waiting list to get help and I only recently had an intake appointment. (There's no therapists I can see in this town that my health insurance covers, and my odds of finding one somewhere else are slim to none so I've been working and exercising to keep my mind occupied.) This is really, super disturbing, I think I've brought this up once before here. I am worried this is some sort of unspoken thing humans do and it's really made me turned off and questioning if I'm just insane or able to notice it more than others because of my dad constantly doing it in the open while I was home because he's a porn addict. I noticed that people masturbate around me, usually at night, and most of them have been family members. [B]Yeah, it's that fucked up and I haven't brought this up with many people.[/B] One time my grandma was sleeping on the couch (she was driving me to another relative's house so I could spend a summer there) and inbetween the drive we stayed at another relatives house and I was on a different couch and I couldn't sleep because of it. I think I was 17 or 18 at the time, I could have sworn she muttered "Go to sleep you brat" to me while she was doing it, because I was up all night playing pocket morty's and then I put in my headphones to drown out the noise after that because I was so angry. I couldn't sleep anywhere else so I spent most of that night walking around the house, sitting out on the porch angry, disusted, and tired. My dad constantly did it around me right outside my room in the living room, (because thats where his virus infested computer is, and he was intentionally loud as hell.) I was barely home, I spent more than half of my day at the gym and the rest of it wandering around the beach of my hometown trying to avoid him... I was only ever home to bathe, eat, and sleep. I politely tried to tell him to not do that when I was home, he shouted "MY HOUSE! MY RULES!" Or he would deny he ever did it and have him and my grandma call me crazy and pshycho. My grandmas on both sides of the family have expressed they supported "english royalty incest back in the day" because it "kept the bloodline pure"... Like they said it in such a positive light it made me angry, so those things they've said around me in the past have stuck in my head (along with all of the racist and homophobic things they've shouted around me when obama was elected into office) and I can't forget about it and it makes me scared. I've always brushed it under the rug. Some of you all know how disgusting and absurd my family is already, the fact they kicked me out for being gay and all of that bullshit. Its just driven me insane how in public they pretend to say "We don't hate gays! We are normal!" and yet behind closed doors they fucking HATE and want to kill mentally ill people, gays, minorities. It's unreal. I've been stuck thinking about how disgusting it is that not only my dad, one time my grandma, but my EX-BEST FRIEND did that kindof shit too, next to me, in bed. [I]It's got me paranoid thinking "What if this is just a normal thing humans do with each other but never talk about? It disgusts me and I don't understand it and it makes me want to vomit." [/I]

This is going to sound stupid, but I want to be my best friend so bad. He's literally a 10/10; good looks, funny personality, practical way of thinking. We're currently on vacation with him in Italy and it's such a stark contrast when I only have one or two people to reply to when I get back to the hotel, while he has like 10, which includes girls who he could hook up with.

[QUOTE=Eldariub;52431697]This is going to sound stupid, but I want to be my best friend so bad. He's literally a 10/10; good looks, funny personality, practical way of thinking. We're currently on vacation with him in Italy and it's such a stark contrast when I only have one or two people to reply to when I get back to the hotel, while he has like 10, which includes girls who he could hook up with.[/QUOTE] If he's your best friend, then he's also a way for you to become better.

[QUOTE=Eldariub;52431697]This is going to sound stupid, but I want to be my best friend so bad. He's literally a 10/10; good looks, funny personality, practical way of thinking. We're currently on vacation with him in Italy and it's such a stark contrast when I only have one or two people to reply to when I get back to the hotel, while he has like 10, which includes girls who he could hook up with.[/QUOTE] just let him know i remember my friend told me he looked up to me and it warmed my heart, he could also show you how to become the best you yourself can be, as a third party

Paxil fucking sucks. I can't feel anything

I've spent the entire 4th of July inside and haven't gone anywhere, but I have only myself to blame.

I'm having some weird paranoid anxiety about some friends of mine. I got really short with one of them a while ago, so I feel really bad about that. I also talked to this friend and another person who is friends with him about my boyfriend, and I feel like I made a wrong decision and that theyre talking about me behind my back and what an asshole I am. I just keep making up outlandish scenarios in my head of this kind of stuff, but im too embarrassed to bring it up with them because it would sound stupid, plus my friend doesnt really get my anxiety or depression. i feel stuck.

I fell out of working out during the winter and now it's finally starting to show. At least now I have no way of weaseling out of exercise now mentally. If I don't hop back on my routine I'm just gonna feel flabby and even worse.

Been a year since that messy breakdown. Still getting the odd palpitations and mental futz, thanks Quetiapine you poisonous little bastard. Still need to fix the door I kicked through. On the plus side the gang's back together and I'm usually okay going outside now. Stay lucky, thread dwellers.

Thought I'd steal this from the vidya sub incase some people missed it. Not everyone can relate to it but its still worth a watch and might give some useful insight [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIvcys_IPcQ[/media] [sp]sorry artdecor[/sp]

I really fucked up my sleep schedule. I sleep at 5am and wake up at 4pm. It's caused by several factors. I have no clue how to correct it. Do all nighters work? I could imagine staying up for another 12 hours and then going to bed at 6pm.

Well, ontop of losing my grandma just over a month ago, and my dad two years ago, now my dog that's been with us since 2002-2003 is going to be put down in less than an hour from now. Injured a leg at the joint, and that and her kidney being affected by too much sodium have ramped up since last Thursday to put her into a condition where she can barely walk and loses her balance, sitting down means she's going to be sitting down for several hours, she's constantly trembling in raw pain, and she refuses to even eat or drink much as if she's just in so much pain that it doesn't seem good to her. She still resists even pain pills. I'm going to have to get used to losing close loved ones, but it was already putting me in stress attacks and depression, and now with pretty much half of my life dedicated to my dog and having to handle her, it's tearing me apart on the inside. Combine this with the fact that it's been six years since i've graduated high school and i'm still pretty much a self-loathing NEET that has no drive to go out and even get a driver's license and I think i'm probably going to be at a whole new low. Maybe a sort of hollow, vacant kind of depression where I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life now that yet another constant is removed.

I've been struggling pretty hard these past few weeks. I spent 9 months grinding part time contract work until a full time position opened up in the company and now that I've transferred to the new location half the staff seem to despise me, including my reviewing manager. The job makes me miserable but I feel obligated to stay because I'm the one supporting the household and occasionally paying more than just my share of the rent and groceries. I'm technically doing better than my parents though as my job affords me near full time hours and benefits (eventually). Personal life's not doing much better. Got to watch my long time friend slip in and out of psychosis, meaning his seizures are likely getting worse and my other friend has asked that I join her and her boyfriend on the walks home more often because it means he'll be less harsh when he drunkenly berates her. That was the lynch pin on making me realize how toxic that relationship had become so now something has to happen there. I'm sort of just numb now all the time. Most people fall back onto family and friends in this circumstance, but I guess I'm out of luck there. Dunno guys. It's all a bit shit. Gotta go clear my head and come back to it.

Wake up half an hour before a tutoring appointment, call in last minute to tell them I can't make it. Wake up to find out my tutor dropped me claiming that she'll lose money (even though I pay a semester in advance). I know I fucked up but can we at least talk this out or some thing? I left text and voice message but she hasn't responded all day. My anxiety is at a peak right now. It's pretty ironic too considering she has no problem cancelling on me last minute from time to time.

I thought I was getting my anxiety out of control but nope it's just still here over trivial shit that stacks up. I'm incompatible with social groups. The beauty of being a loser is that you aim low and you get low but you don't know if you're better or worse than the people you associate especially when those people end up putting you lower than themselves. Like a year ago I joined an Elder Scrolls fan group. I was directly invited to this community by it's owner, a prevalent member in the Elder Scrolls community, unfortunately it had a lot of undesirable adult content and I ended up becoming a meme about how I didn't actually like any of the adult content. It went on for ~3 months until some chat drama broke out where the owner was posting some really fucked up fantasy animal abuse stuff and I just used that as an excuse to leave. A lot of the groups I join usually go this way. 1. Welcomed with open arms. 2. Criticize elements of the group too much. 3. Eventually end up getting hated. When I was younger I was pretty rude about it but eventually I got nicer except apparently that's worse. An self-proclaimed armchair psychologist told me that me being nice about it the worst part since it means that I look more right and I'm taken more seriously. ~everything I do is a fuckup~

Not sure where else to post this. One of my old friends from high school died yesterday. We don't yet know the cause of death, his family found him dead in his bed yesterday morning. I feel pretty bad about the whole thing because I hadn't really reached out to him in a long while, and yesterday I found out I'll never get the chance to again. RIP Matt [url=https://flic.kr/p/ngTGKB][img]https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7323/13963327369_cd9ca967bb_z.jpg[/img][/url]

I don't really know how to say this but here goes nothing, i want to thank all the people who have read my post here complaining about my problems with trauma, probably my problems are small compare to many people here but the thing is, you guys choose to take time and read a post from someone you never know and probably might never meet, some might give ratings some may not but honestly that small thing that you guys did give me hope and i want to thank you all for just that small thing, i hope you guys can overcome whatever problems that you are facing and can finally see that bright light at the end of the tunnel and continue your live normally, so yeah thanks for everything i guess.