Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;51047156]Can't sleep tonight anymore. Kept awake as usual by old events from years ago. I will never forgive myself for doing them .Will probably live with this haunting me for the rest of my life.[/QUOTE] Have you tried listening to something when trying to fall asleep? I usually listen to some background noise or a podcast. [URL="http://asoftmurmur.com/"]I use this pretty much ever night.[/URL] If you'd rather listen to someone talking then I'd recommend [URL="http://www.sleepwithmepodcast.com/"]http://www.sleepwithmepodcast.com/[/URL]. I'm not sure what to feel of this podcast yet as I have only tried it twice. It worked great the first time but the second time it didn't help that much. Though that was probably because it was so insanely hot in my room.

I've been depressed for a solid year now [editline]14th September 2016[/editline] I'm turning 21 and I might pick up a drinking habit

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;50989064]Been signed off since I left college years ago, with only Level 1 qualifications. I applied to go back to college this year, but my partner told me not to because there are way more opportunities where he is. Fair enough. No problem... Was all set for flying to the other side of the country to be with him next month, but now he dropped the bombshell on me that he's moving back to London for financial reasons. Great. Made plans and cancelled them twice all for fucking nothing. Thanks babe. :goodjob: At least I didn't waste money on a ticket, and at least I have much more time to spend with family when I have the chance. Focusing on the positives and all that.[/QUOTE] Okay... So after gently telling him how I felt, he's felt the same way all this time, so he's going to put London on hold. Going to stay at his in a few weeks! :D

I used to have some trouble eating in the early morning. Something I picked up as a bad habit during childhood. It's a gag reflex thing, mostly psychologically induced. After my 18 month anxiety fun fest started, the problem has spread to the evening time too. I can now vomit just by thinking about it, but only at certain times or in certain situations. Drugs help, Zofran namely. But I can't do anything social without thinking about this problem first. It doesn't help that I have the metabolism of an Olympic athlete despite my semi-sedentary lifestyle. I have to eat all the time to make sure my blood sugar stays up. I don't know what to do anymore. I just threw up my dinner tonight and found myself laughing quietly at how bad this has become.

im addicted to my celular device because silence in my head causes nothing but awful thoughts. i cant sleep without a video or something playing

[QUOTE=notlabbet;51049150]I've been depressed for a solid year now [editline]14th September 2016[/editline] I'm turning 21 and I might pick up a drinking habit[/QUOTE] are the photos not cutting it anymore for you, as well? [editline]14th September 2016[/editline] i made a mistake, and although it was admittedly pretty big one, i never meant to hurt anyone. i just wanted to save myself. my roommates' response has been sickening. they don't even acknowledge me. i had no idea anxiety like this existed, i've barely slept or been able to eat for 3 days

Have spent the last 2 hours drunk sheparding a guy I thought was cool, involving homophobic outbursts, him going to macdonalds to 'people watch' which apparently meant sit down and invade the space of a group of black guys then stare them down, while complaining about how 'they' treat women. Then joking about raping said women maybe I'm explaining it bad, maybe I'm overreacting but this fucking guy tonight is terrifying and I want to get away asap

Had a mental breakdown yesterday night after not having one for over a month. I feel like fucking shit right now.

After calling a few times, a company I had applied to and had gotten 2 interviews with finally told me what I had feared; I want selected for the position. This comes after I had almost been assured the position by a senior member and had been referred by another employee. To make matters worse, I stupidly already put my notice in to my current employer, though that was more out of desperation to get out of a hostile work environment than anything else. Still, every since I got the news I've been extremely anxious and depressed only because I feel like I've been backed into a corner and I can't get out. I already had a large-scale panic attack due to the stress of this change in my life, in which I apparently entered a "fugue state" and was found hours later by my roommate away from home and babbling incoherently, so that's fucking terrifying since I genuinely don't remember any of it. I feel so alone and afraid I just want to get out and go away and feel secured again like i did a few years ago.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50984234]So, a few days ago, on my birthday, I made a post on Facebook about how I'll be pursuing a service dog to help me with my disability. I was pretty proud of that post, because I actually had the courage to come out and tell people with the pain I've been dealing with for years. I was pretty succinct about it too. Told everyone right then and there that I deal with chronic pain and anxiety, and that a service dog can help mitigate that and make me happier. Fast forward to today where my mother comes into my room and says "What'd you post on Facebook about a dog?" Now, she doesn't have FB anymore. And she KNOWS that I'm going after an SD. So that told me that someone - probably at the church we go to (me, only out of obligation because I get paid to help with their kids area) - went AROUND me and told my parents about it. Like my parents didn't already know. My dad didn't, but that was because I figured my mom would tell him. Which apparently didn't happen. But my dad was the one who was approached about it and the assumption was made that I must be "missing her side or a limb". Which already pissed me off and upset me to begin with because this isn't the first time a rumor about me has spread in this church. About three years ago, it was because people thought I was a lesbian ? ?? And maybe even more recently, it was about a bout of anxiety I had late at night and was looking for people to talk to to help alleviate it. And apparently that was a HUGE DEAL. So today I kind of just snapped because it's so fucking ridiculous that people don't bother coming to [B]me[/B] to ask for more information. They go to my parents. And it's stupid because it's ALWAYS these nosy ass old people who have no business being on Facebook to begin with (or on my Facebook and most of the time I don't even remember having them on there) who think that just because I still live with my parents that my parents are the ones they have to ask about my business. Anyway my mom kept pressing that this was a thing to be kept "in the family" which just made me feel like she was trying to get me to go back to hiding my pain and anxiety and depression which literally just pushed me over the edge. All while I was trying to study for this dumb quiz I have later today (which I'm probably going to fail because I can't even concentrate now) and while I was trying to eat and while I'm trying to fight off this illness that doesn't need any more aggravation than it already has. I didn't feel much better when she apologized. But I went through and deleted every fucking old person on my Facebook. I don't really care who started blabbing about it. I don't need nosy seniors on my FB anyway. Fuck them. Made a post in case there was anyone else wondering that if they had questions, they should really come to me personally. Anyway. I'm upset. Feeling ostracized. Not really wanting to go back to that church. $200 a month doesn't seem worth it when I'm being consistently judged for wanting to do something that could very well change my quality of life. I'm so fucking tired.[/QUOTE] maybe when you feel like opening up to somebody, you should talk to somebody you trust in person and not on such a public platform like facebook

[QUOTE=notlabbet;51049150]I've been depressed for a solid year now [editline]14th September 2016[/editline] I'm turning 21 and I might pick up a drinking habit[/QUOTE] I wouldn't recommend that. I did the same thing and alcohol will make you feel so much worse if you are depressed. Also I was asked today if I'm still suicidal. I guess my depression is noticeable by everyone

Now i'm in that stage where everyone think i'm faking everything up. That i'm just blowing things out of proportions. Stupid to say, but i can't wait until they find me some awful shit so "everyone" can shut the fuck up.

Plutten, my guinea pig, is going through the process of dying. I've been so worried about him the last few days and now I know he's not ill and that his symptoms are natural for this, but I'm still so sad right now

[QUOTE=nezo;51054046]maybe when you feel like opening up to somebody, you should talk to somebody you trust in person and not on such a public platform like facebook[/QUOTE] Uh. It was more than just "opening up". It was coming clean to everyone I know about what I deal with because I'm sick of hiding it?? That's the whole point. I don't know why you decided to pick on an old post since it's not even relevant anymore.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51054592]I don't know why you decided to pick on an old post since it's not even relevant anymore.[/QUOTE] i wasn't picking on you. it was genuine advice.

Which I appreciate. It's just an old post lol. And it was an easier way of telling multiple people rather than try to message everyone who I thought should know one at a time. My Facebook isn't public anyway. It's only accessible to people I've made friends. What got me upset was that some of these people who I've interacted with and who I knew to be good people were treating me poorly, even if it was unintentional. I've since then removed those people. I got a lot of support in the post after that though, so it balanced out.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51055779]My Facebook isn't public anyway. It's only accessible to people I've made friends. What got me upset was that some of these people who I've interacted with and who I knew to be good people were treating me poorly, even if it was unintentional. I've since then removed those people. I got a lot of support in the post after that though, so it balanced out.[/QUOTE] good

and he's gone

Not going to bother you guys with my more or less big problems, just wanted to say that it's really shitty when your interests and hobbies get more and more dull and boring to you, so eventually you wake up one day just to realize that something you used to truly love doesn't seem to attract you whatsoever anymore. This is what has happened with painting or the piano or video games, and this is what seems to be happening with the guitar too. The worst part is i can't find anything around to replace them. I'm not really sure what i'm gonna fill my head with when all these things are gone.

I'm gonna be posting this on an alt that I just registered because I don't want to attract attention to my main account, I hope the mods don't mind. I don't want to be insulting but I'm really not sure why I'm telling a bunch of faceless strangers this, but I'm just at my wits end now, I don't know who to turn to anymore. Sorry for this long-ass post This entire year and a half has been a complete shitshow for me. My older sister who has abused me for over 15 years re-entered my life and that junkie cunt is as terrible as she's always been. As I was growing up she would always hammer it into my head that my friends don't actually care about me and that I'm worthless to them, etc. And years of hearing that from her made me believe it, but I'll get to that later. Until very recently my parents saw her as this perfect little angel who's completely incapable of doing anything wrong and they would always try to rationalize her actions, even after she drove my brother in law to suicide. I have no love for her anymore, I hate her. I had this cousin that I grew up alongside and spent time with so often that we were practically best friends, and last Thanksgiving she came out as a lesbian to the entire family that was there. Thing is, who you like shouldn't fucking factor into who you are as a person, a good person is a good person. We were all very proud of her except her parents, who completely disowned her and kicked her out of the house for it. She ended up having to stay with me and my parents due to that, which we were perfectly fine with. With us, family comes first, and nothing else matters. My sister always treated her like shit also. She was really happy to be living with us, she spent New Years and Christmas with us and everything was fine for a bit. Then, a week before my 20th birthday this year, a friend of me and my cousin's that we'd known since middle school accidentally overdosed on prescription painkillers and was sent to the ER then we got word that he died the next day. We loved him, he was like a brother to us. I was still functioning after the fact but my cousin was completely crushed by it. She kept herself locked in the room we gave her and the only time she ever came out of it was to get food. Never left the house. When she started talking to us again she talked about wanting to kill herself, luckily we were able to talk her out of it. Then, she talked about wanting to start over so, along with her W2/tax return/whatever the fuck you call it, I gave her half of my own, and she moved in with two family friends that we've known for years. We convinced her to make a Facebook account so we could still talk and everything seemed fine for a while. Then in May I get a message from her apologizing for what she's about to do and that it won't be my fault and as soon as I saw that message, I tried calling her for about 15 minutes and kept telling her to pick her phone up and that she doesn't have to do this. I called those two family friends and told them to rush home because Mar's in trouble. 10 minutes later I get a call back from them and they're screaming and crying trying to piece together what they came home to. They came home to see that she shot herself. I tried going into work the day it happened but my boss sent me home and gave me time off after I started bawling my eyes out and told him what happened. My uncle and aunt flat out said that they did not give a shit about what happened when her funeral came around. That funeral was the worst fucking thing I've ever had to attend. I was inconsolable. I've felt horrible since then. Then out of nowhere my uncle and aunt decided that they do care about my cousin's suicide and they blamed it on me solely because I was the last person she talked to before she killed herself. And they told the rest of the family that I encouraged her to do it and that I'm glad it happened, and all the fucking people they told, the same people who held me in their arms trying to keep me calm during the funeral, fucking believed them. Their reasoning is that because they're her parents and older than me, the truth behind anything they say overrides what I say. As a result I'm most likely going to be alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years this year because they all hate me now. I've been a heavy drinker since then but I've been attending support for it recently but what happened with my friends is making me want to start again. And even though Mar told me that her suicide won't be my fault, I feel like it is. Because a couple years ago she walked in on me with a gun pointed at my head, took it away even when I pointed it at her, and talked me out of it. I was only trying to scare her off, I was never gonna shoot her, and she knew that. She was able to talk me out of offing myself but I couldn't return the favor and talk her out of it. I feel like such a fucking failure. I'm always going to hate myself for that. I had these really good friends that I've known for about a year supporting me through all this until recently. I started hanging out with them often if only for a shoulder to cry on for an hour or two, they were very understanding, or so I thought. One night a group of my sister's tweaker friends, who are really fucking violent, showed up at the house while everyone else was out and I asked my friends if I could stay the night at their place and offered them money if necessary. They turned me down because one of their other friends was already staying the night. I left it at that up until one of the tweakers stormed into the kitchen and punched me in the face for looking at him wrong. Then I started frantically asking them to reconsider and let me stay just for a few hours. They just started ignoring me and apologized. So after that I told the tweakers in the backyard to shut the fuck up and leave and they kicked the shit out of me for it. So I got back later in the night when I was able to stand and I tore my friends a new one about how pissed I was at them because I felt like they allowed that to happen and told them that if they don't give a shit about me they should have just said something. I apologized for my outburst a few days later and they accused me of not meaning it, but things were made right through some really convoluted means, with the exception of one of my 3 friends. After everything was made right she spent a week treating me like shit even after I told her to stop messaging me. She made an empty apology for how she treated me when I told her she's really upsetting me and only stopped because [I]she got tired of me messaging her.[/I] So then we stopped talking for a while and one day she talked to me and told me she forgives me, so we shared a hug, she told me we're okay now, and I thought she was telling the truth. I told the other 2 the news about it and one of them suggested that she didn't actually mean it, and because I have this fear of being abandoned/fear that my friends don't actually care, I started voicing my concerns to both of them questioning whether or not she really cares. Then they fucking told her that I was talking shit about her behind her back when that wasn't the case at all. So she decided that we aren't friends anymore. Shortly after, I ran into her while I was working, since she always used to pass by on her way to work, and I got sent home an hour after I clocked in after I had a breakdown. The next time she came by I told her "stop coming around here and make us both happy." I was under the impression that it's what she wanted to hear but when I got home later that day I was getting torn a new one by our 2 mutual friends, telling me how hurt she was by what I said and they threatened to leave me because of that. I told the 2 friends that I want to kill myself after I tried and failed to do it but they didn't take me seriously and accused me of being an attention whore. I recently made a post on social media declaring that I don't regret what I said to her anymore because she deliberately made herself a negative presence in my life.. And what happens? They fucking fight with me again and accuse me of "rubbing salt in old wounds" and told me that I'm the reason this all happened. So I tried telling them that I'm suicidal and they fucking threatened to unfriend me for trying to talk to them about it and they flat out said that their sympathy for me is gone and that I'm a fuck-up, a problem, etc. And they told me that they think I enjoy being miserable. I highly doubt that they give a shit about how worthless they make me feel. I just really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've been smoking multiple packs of cigarettes a day while working and taking shitloads of melatonin during my days off just so I can try and sleep off my thoughts only to feel like shit when I'm awake. Cousin Mar's birthday is this Sunday and I didn't want to be alone for it but now my "friends" aren't letting me come over because of the fight we had. I just want to fucking die.

I'm so depressed right now. The days are getting more difficult. I really only see suicide as an option right now. I just want to take my whole bottle of Zoloft and drift into sleep and not wake up. I'm just so tired of living this fucked up life of mine. I really screwed up and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I made a lot of mistakes in my life and I have nothing to be happy about and only these depressing thoughts. I struggled with depression my entire life and it's never going to go away. I should just try to kill myself again and be done with it. I don't see any other option because I don't have the motivation or confidence to do anything else. There's nobody I can talk to and nobody that would understand how I feel. I wish I had someone because The loneliness is unbearable. There was really nobody that ever cared about me. I'm always going to be alone because I have no confidence and low self esteem. I don't want to go another year feeling like this so I have to just end it. I didn't want it to come to this but I'm just so tired. I'll be turning 23 and I accomplished nothing in my life so what's the point anyway. I'll never find happiness and I'll never achieve anything in this life. Everyone would be better off without me dragging them down. I'll never amount to anything in life. I just give up. I barley speak to anybody my depression is so bad. No therapy or pill is going to fix me. I give up

Felt my mental state slipping for a few months now. Had a relatively stable period before that but idk why Started in a new school a month ago and already skipped a full week and probably another week's worth of lessons here and there. Already feeling the itch to drop out. Don't give a single shit about this subject. Shame since in a year I'll be 25 and the government can't force me to sign up for schools to get neetbux anymore. So this was realistically the last chance. Also been reducing contact with people.dont get any of the enjoyment out of it in used to. Didn't ever feel right to use people for those emotional dopamine squirts anyway. We'll see if I slip back into that complete loner mode I had some four or five years ago For some reason every muscle in my body hurts too idk Here's thid month's useless complaining post see you in a month

I bought this : [IMG]http://img.pecheur.com/electronic-anti-noise-earmuff-peltor-pro-tac-z-158-15880.jpg[/IMG] I wear it all day. I don't give a fuck, being finally somewhat free of noise feels [B][I]so fucking good[/I][/B] man. Every other aspect of myself is still fucked, but at least when shit gets too loud i have a way to cope. It also made me realize how noisy our environment is. It's everywhere. No wonder we end up fucked.

[QUOTE=Drk;51059500]I bought this : [IMG]http://img.pecheur.com/electronic-anti-noise-earmuff-peltor-pro-tac-z-158-15880.jpg[/IMG] I wear it all day. I don't give a fuck, being finally somewhat free of noise feels [B][I]so fucking good[/I][/B] man. Every other aspect of myself is still fucked, but at least when shit gets too loud i have a way to cope. It also made me realize how noisy our environment is. It's everywhere. No wonder we end up fucked.[/QUOTE] Going to my parents' house is fucking weird because I don't hear the usual 24/7 traffic noise I get when going out where I live (in the city). Whereas here, there's always an engine roaring somewhere, watching, waiting. It penetrates my apartments walls and sleeping without earplugs is impossible for me. I broke my earplugs once and the new ones took ~2 weeks to arrive (speficially designed for sleeping) and I pretty much didn't sleep for 2 weeks. I would move to a faraway house in a forest but I can't afford the terrible prices and even if I did find a house I could afford I couldn't afford a car or a way to get to work. So a small apartment near-ish to the centre it is!

Never before have I wanted to kill myself as much as I do right now. I don't want to do anything anymore.

I know the feeling I want to just kill myself. I honestly think everyone would be better off without me. I can't stop thinking about it. I never want to do anything anymore because I see everything as pointless and uninteresting. If I'm gone I don't have to suffer anymore. It's not like anyone would give a fuck anyway. I've been taking 15-20 Tylenol pms a night these past few days. How many pills does it take to overdose and die? I don't care if it eventually kills me. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, maybe a few years ago. I haven't told anybody I'm still suicidal. Nobody has tried to help me anyway. I don't understand why my life is so cursed and why everything always goes wrong. I mean Everything goes wrong. My whole life has been a complete nightmare. The only person I ever felt happy around turned out to be a terrible person in the end. She was always a terrible person I was just blind at first. She went from someone I used to love to now the most hated person. She was the worst disaster to ever happen.

In truth, there's only so much you can do for someone stuck in a rut. Words of encouragement, help them find resources if they need them, especially if they plan on going to college, and maybe let them know that you're there to talk as often as you can be. But focus on yourself too. If you let yourself get dragged down into that rut, it can sometimes soil the relationship between you. If there's a day where you just can't provide the support he needs, be up front about it. Say, I'm kind of tired so I can't be super responsive but just know that I've got your back in whatever you choose to do. I have a lot of friends who get stuck in depressive episodes and while I wish I could just pull them out, I can't. But I can do my best to be there for them. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;51064627]I want a little advice for a friend who's been really stuck in a negativity state for a really long time and it's affecting him and me a little. He's tried to get out if this runt he's in and he wants to be there for his brother and sister but he's drained and always stuck in that negative bullshit. He's really important to me and I'm important to him so it would be great if I could do more for him right now but the best I can do is offer words of encouragement and support despite how im being a little brash about it all but that's just me. I'm not going to mention who that person is but they'll be reading this thread. He wants to get higher education and a better job. He wants to go past his previous grievances and move on to better things but he's having a real hard time doing so. Any advice or support would be great. Remember you're all fantastic people.[/QUOTE] The best you can do really is to try and help them towards their chosen goals with whatever assistance you can give them (financial, finding resources, looking up the appropriate schools and organizations, passing a good word, etc) Having been in this hole myself (and it taking a serious crisis and much professional help to pull myself out) I can empathize with this person and understand just how hard it is to get rid of those chains of worthlessness and self-loathing. The most important thing they need is something to strive towards. That is to say, motivation. The past can hurt, I know that much. But you can either wallow in it, or learn from it. At one point, the individual themselves has to make the effort to break free from those shackles. They have to stand up on their own two feet and walk forward to their chosen goals. Others cannot carry them to it - all the effort involved should primarily come from them, with perhaps some help from others around them. Most importantly, keep feeding them positive thoughts and motivations. Don't belittle them or make them feel worthless. It won't goad them into making a great effort, and may cause more damage than good.

I'm not really sure where to start with this but loneliness has begun creeping up on me again. I've been fairly lonely for a while now but that feeling hasn't begun hitting until as of recent. It feels like I just don't fit into this world socially in a way. Everyone seems to have so wildly different interests than me and I find people in general to be very tiring to be around. It's hard to attach to people when I have no desire to meet or chat with them you know? I'll join if someone else asks of course but that's it. Outside of that I don't think about them or miss them that much. At the same time I still get very lonely but I don't want to meet anyone. Or I'd love to meet someone. Just not any of those that I know. I don't know if it's just me or "everyone else I know". I used to enjoy some of these peoples company, what happened? Have I just grown more bitter and cynical with time? Or have they changed? Is my "true self" leaking more now that I've been doing various self improvement related things for a while? Have I just grown a pair that internally tells me I deserve better friends and therefore I find the ones I already have very uninteresting? Maybe people are just tiring and annoying because I'm so tired all the time myself. I dunno. My relation with my family seems to be steadily dropping as well. At this rate it won't be long until I'm just "that guy who lives here until he moves out". I don't feel like I connect with anyone. I have a theory for why its like that. It's probably because I'm too scared to share anything from myself. I only consume socially, never produce. I've become a good listener that way but I think I need to be a good talker as well. Without ever sharing anything from myself or really pushing any boundaries ever in social settings regarding me, how am I supposed to connect with anyone? I don't put any effort into friendships so it's easy to drop it. Like learning hobbies as well. If you invest money and a lot of time learning something, you'll be less prone to dropping it. You're not an idiot either so you don't want both money and time go to waste. I don't feel like I invest enough effort or time into friendships and therefore it becomes a little too easy to just drop the entire thing. I never open up, how can people be comfortable about trusting me with themselves? How are people supposed to attach to me if they don't feel like they can trust me 100%? Maybe that's the big thing. I find people uninteresting, "annoying" and tiring because I don't have any true connections to them. They're just strangers I know better than most strangers who for some reason enjoy my company enough to want to meet every now and then. I used to be better about sharing stuff from myself and this was in the period where I was exiting depression. It feels wrong to blame others, but I do feel that I've grown more shut in in regards to emotions due to negative response to me opening in the first place. I used to think it was great that I was so open and loved to talk about mental health and well being etc, but nowadays I get this feeling that it's a massive sign of weakness that must be avoided. No offense to people I know in real life but I honestly feel they're pretty dumb. There's just so little pre-thought put into things they do it seems. Pretty much all of those that I know have had plenty of moments where they think one thing, go to do said thing and realize it's a terrible idea (for them) and end up just pissing themselves off.

I can't wait to be able to do what a normal 14 year old can do when I'm 60 years old also I may be picking up a smoking habit.