Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Not sure if that means anything to ya, but to me you honestly seem like a genuinely nice person. If it didn't already happen before I'm sure you'll end up with someone who will be able to support you during this if you let them. Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay alone too, if you prefer that.

Thanks, I appreciate that~ I'm not super stressed about a relationship right now, especially since I have plans to move away to a new city, hopefully. But settling down and getting married is on my to-do list some day, so it'd be nice.

I just want to be healthy again. I feel like my liver is going to hurt forever. I can't even lay down without it hurting. Even if I go to a hospital I doubt they can do anything for the pain

[QUOTE=Pascall;52518369]It's less that I get on more with guys. I have an equal amount of women and men friends, really. It's an internal feeling that I'd prefer to be seen as a guy for any number of reasons. But either way it's something that I need time to figure out. It's not as simple as just sort of letting it be, I don't think. I'm not super worried about it beyond being unable to do much about it here at home and being unable to discern my feelings regarding relationships in general. Being asexual makes it difficult to date in general, but throwing gender confusion on top of that doesn't help lol. Anyway it's just kind of an amalgam of thoughts and things that just made me realize why I tend to struggle with relationships.[/QUOTE]As long you're seeing a professional who can look you from the outside. While my issues are different, I can speak to trying to figure yourself out. I didn't that know that I was depressed or slightly aspirges until I saw someone. You don't want to be like me and go around circles like I did for about 10 years.

Everywhere I look online it says a liver transplant is the only option for me with the symptoms I'm having. Do most health insurances cover that? This whole thing is just getting me closer to ending it

I think my fucked up sleep schedule is exacerbating my depression, or vice versa. Last night i didn't sleep at all, slept two or three hours this morning, and now it's 3am and I'm still lying in bed looking at memes I need to get a new job too, having quit mine almost a month ago now but i just can't find motivation to do anything. Working on my resume and putting in applications is so draining. I can't even focus on video games anymore, most tv shows or movies i try to watch i end up losing focus and staring at my phone I feel like all i do right now is live the NEET life lying in bed jerking off and looking at memes, then borrow some money to buy weed or go drinking with friends to avoid any serious introspection and as dirty and shameful as it makes me feel sometimes, it's all i have the motivation to do If my music thing doesn't work out (hint: it won't) I'll probably end up under a bridge or something and looking at it from this perspective I'm not even sure i care [editline]29th July 2017[/editline] Also after ditching the only person to show romantic interest in me i feel like that was my first chance in like 8 years and also probably my last for another 8 and fuck you if you think I'll put any effort into finding someone to love, so i guess I'm back to being lonely all the time [editline]29th July 2017[/editline] Not to mention all 3 of my friend groups are vacationing right now so i can -hang out with people i don't really talk to and feel awkward or -continue hibernating [editline]29th July 2017[/editline] And as usual now I'm thinking "fuck, you're a pussy, why are you so bummed about all this when people are starving and getting raped and getting beheaded, but all you can think about are your puny first world problems" and this is usually the point where i snip the entire post, but you know, i think i might have run out of fucks to give, and this is the depression thread after all so fuck it. The post stays. Sorry about the text wall tho

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52518675]Everywhere I look online it says a liver transplant is the only option for me with the symptoms I'm having. Do most health insurances cover that? This whole thing is just getting me closer to ending it[/QUOTE] I researched this a bit and was surprised to learn that before obamacare any job based insurance plan had a lifetime limit of one million dollars. After that you'd be shit out of luck and they'd drop you. Yes, Obamacare covers transplants and any insurance purchased through the marketplace should cover transplants. The best people to ask though would be either the hospital or your insurance directly.

I have so much misdirected aggression I tore my coworker a new one today. I don't feel too bad he's a bit of a dick.

aint been for a year or two my 07 account got banned and cant login to my 2010 account only recently did i realise how good i had it like 5 years ago i had a decent relationship, was going into college and had a functional family that all together cut to like 5 years later and i regret the course i took, i havent been with anyone since and my parents are split up and my mother who we're all still living with goes out until god knows when constantly. i also got super unhealthy in the meantime (i wasnt the picture of perfect health back then but at least i was below 200lbs) havent been happy since maybe early 2012 when i had hopes that college would be fun and allow me to socialise after being cooped up for 5 years prior with homeschooling, but that shit didnt last long after i got stuck in a subject i started hating for the next 4 years, then i never really got to see the friends i made again especially considering how most of them have proper jobs and half of them even have families of their own idk what ive got going for me, ive felt what its like to be happy and on top of things but the times either side of then have been absolute hell

being jobless really doesnt help your self esteem, i simply dont feel like ive made any form of achievements or progress since january despite trying to keep myself motivated and getting stuff done within my own little world i try to not get into the habit of believing doing nothing is what i want to do, but despite how much i fit in its not enough

I'm coming really close to just slitting my wrists. im just going to get more sick. I don't even have a doctor.

At this point I can't focus on anything without a bunch of shitty thoughts coming into my head five minutes later ruining my entire mood and stopping me from doing whatever I was. A lot of the time I just lay in my bed trying to sleep all the time trying to forget and avoid everything (which I've tried not to do) since doing that is the closest I can get to not being fucking misrable, wanting to just break down crying as well but cant. So many of these issues I got is just pretty much the same shit from a year or two ago which I thought that I was over, coming out of nowhere again. This shit is just a repeat i'm acting the same way even its so fucking emotionally draining. Next thing I know I'll probably start to think about throwing myself in front of a train once again or some shit.

I'm at rock bottom. I've been ignoring my depression and personal past trauma issues and pretending shit in my relationship with my fiance and the love of my life was ok when it wasn't. I've finally started feeling better and have been thinking about this so hard and have been tring to change without breaking again. We haven't been communicating and our fighting and stuff just came to a head when I had a panic attack and moving stress and everything moving so odd. And we rushed the engagement. I feel like this is mostly my fault and this is killing me. I've given it a lot of thought like I should have before and we need a temporary trial separation and I'm so fucking scared that I won't be able to deal with being so rock bottomed and actually really losing him for good if he won't listen and hear me out. Jesus fuck. If I didn't have family and friends and the hope that this will work, I would probably be somewhere even worse than rock bottom right now. I just dont want to ruin 3 years of us and I know if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. God I've never been so scared in my life.

[QUOTE=GamerChick;52527428]I'm at rock bottom. I've been ignoring my depression and personal past trauma issues and pretending shit in my relationship with my fiance and the love of my life was ok when it wasn't. I've finally started feeling better and have been thinking about this so hard and have been tring to change without breaking again. We haven't been communicating and our fighting and stuff just came to a head when I had a panic attack and moving stress and everything moving so odd. And we rushed the engagement. I feel like this is mostly my fault and this is killing me. I've given it a lot of thought like I should have before and we need a temporary trial separation and I'm so fucking scared that I won't be able to deal with being so rock bottomed and actually really losing him for good if he won't listen and hear me out. Jesus fuck. If I didn't have family and friends and the hope that this will work, I would probably be somewhere even worse than rock bottom right now. I just dont want to ruin 3 years of us and I know if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. God I've never been so scared in my life.[/QUOTE] IMHO if you need to separate you are not compatible and you should just end things gracefully. You're one step away from marriage and to separate at this point as a "trial" is just cruel to the other person on every level. I would need more information on whats going on between you two to offer further advice. But I would say if you're looking to resolve the issue establishing communication again is key.

Yes we need to start communicating better and I've tried so hard to be able to but yea. Just so much stuff has been getting in the way. To tell a long story, his work has been really fucking stupid and was working him on a ton of overtime (unpaid) like right after our engagement. With him being gone so much and so mentally exhausted we didn't push each other to talk about serious things. And then on my end with the birth control horrible side effects I had a mental fog and couldn't deal like I should. And now that I have been getting better from that during this last month we had to suddenly move our whole everything again because his work is pushing him around. It just happened and idk. We are compatible in like every other way and before all this we legit thought getting married was going to work out at this time. But after this we just... Idk. Ugh. We haven't hit a rough patch like this ever. We have had some ups and downs but worked it out and idk how we let this get so wrong. Its like a compounding clusterfuck. God my body is also rejecting itself. I can barely move without feeling like puking and I've like died on the toilet haha ugh wtf.

[QUOTE=GamerChick;52527528]Yes we need to start communicating better and I've tried so hard to be able to but yea. Just so much stuff has been getting in the way. To tell a long story, his work has been really fucking stupid and was working him on a ton of overtime (unpaid) like right after our engagement. With him being gone so much and so mentally exhausted we didn't push each other to talk about serious things. And then on my end with the birth control horrible side effects I had a mental fog and couldn't deal like I should. And now that I have been getting better from that during this last month we had to suddenly move our whole everything again because his work is pushing him around. It just happened and idk. We are compatible in like every other way and before all this we legit thought getting married was going to work out at this time. But after this we just... Idk. Ugh. We haven't hit a rough patch like this ever. We have had some ups and downs but worked it out and idk how we let this get so wrong. Its like a compounding clusterfuck. [B]God my body is also rejecting itself. I can barely move without feeling like puking and I've like died on the toilet haha ugh wtf.[/B][/QUOTE] Congratulations! You're pregnant. Mood swings/wanting to break up with fiance - throwing up on the toilet - body rejecting itself. Check, check and check.

I would have thought that but my period happened. That pms shit doesnt help my emotional state either. Or you know, I'll be on that "I didnt know I was preggo" show. I've heard some people do still bleed while pregonate. Haha.

[QUOTE=GamerChick;52527606]I would have thought that but my period happened. That pms shit doesnt help my emotional state either. Or you know, I'll be on that "I didnt know I was preggo" show. I've heard some people do still bleed while pregonate. Haha.[/QUOTE] You have the classic symptoms of pregnancy, have you actually checked with a pregnancy kit yet? Being totally serious here. You can still have PMS like symptoms when pregnant. I guess you could just wait it out and see if the throwing up goes away. But uh, I throw up like once in eight years or something. It's odd this is happening right when you want to break up with your fiance and after you stopped birth control.

Yeah I did have a pregnancy scare back in april but it was negative. I still have 2 in the box and I'll use them to see. I think it was a combo of stress and rich food from my cousins brunch wedding yesterday morning that hasn't helped. But yeah just being able to actually vent this stuff to my friends and on here too has helped. My best friend called me and really has reassured me that I am level headed and can make it through this and that I am doing what my heart is telling me to do. Opening up just hurts but it helps at the same time. Argghhh why human being ness whyyyy.

I don't usually post here very often, but I noticed recently I'm just very anxious and on-edge. Most of it's financial worries, some travel-related and others personal, but I think my meds might be wearing off on me. I'm currently on 40mg of Prozac, and it helped me through school, but now I'm scared I might have built up a tolerance to it or something because I've noticed I'm more and more rattled every day, and right now I'm so built up that I'm almost shaking

Is it normal to have fantasies about your parents torturing you and even killing you? I know my parents love me and they wouldn't hurt me.. not anymore, but sometimes I stay up at night having fantasies where they both drag me and torture me like an animal and vent their frustration and anger on me, and I can see their amused/happy facial expression from them witnessing me suffer as they are left out of all their frustration and sadness. The weird part is that it makes me feel good when I think about that. I also often think about my Psychologist doing the same. I don't know why.

That's fucked up.

Please don't ban me or anything, I'm trying to get help in real life. I was just asking because I don't know if it's part of a mental illness or not.

After a life long struggle with depression I finally lost my fight against it. I tried to get better and I did for a little bit but I guess depression always wins in my case. I'll probably be dead soon and it's not what I want but I'm fucking dieing. I don't think I'll be around by the time this year is up

It's 5am again

I went through a serious depression a few years ago, and I don't think I'm over it yet. However it's definitely not as worse as it was before. With that said, within the last year or so I've definitely felt more "content" with my life. I stay positive and happy and try to remember that certain things will just work out. But whenever I sit and down think about doing something other than video games, all that depression comes screaming back at me saying "why bother you suck at thing" I've lost the "adventure" in doing things. Back in my middleschool/highschool days I was all about that Half-Life 2 level design. I probably spent more time playing with Hammer than I sat in class :v:. But I stopped doing it long ago because I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere because no one encouraged me to press on with it, and I think that really killed my mojo in doing other things. I want to pick up drawing, but whenever I do I try to remind myself to start with the basics but I immediately hate everything I end up drawing and it turns me off so much. Why do I feel this way? Why didn't these things bother me as a kid? How do I get my mojo back?

I feel the same way to be honest. I was picking up speed and working on my certifications and everything felt like it was piecing together and then bam, i had a lazy weekend and beat myself to a pulp for it. I don't have much in the way of advice for it, sadly, my anxiety is mostly gone and it seems bad depression has taken its place.

Anyone got any experience with Zoloft, I've been taking it for 3 weeks now and for some reason I'm exhausted and sleeping a lot

[QUOTE=Tacooo;52528675]Anyone got any experience with Zoloft, I've been taking it for 3 weeks now and for some reason I'm exhausted and sleeping a lot[/QUOTE] not zoloft specifically, but the abilify i was on made me real drowsy. also just mightve been my depression too, hard to say. afaik it is a common side effect though also yippee, bored and depressed at work. hope i get back into my rhythm soon because i feel like this can take a pretty bad turn if school begins soon

[QUOTE=Tacooo;52528675]Anyone got any experience with Zoloft, I've been taking it for 3 weeks now and for some reason I'm exhausted and sleeping a lot[/QUOTE] Fatigue is common and it can sometimes lead up to sleeping a lot, is your dose in the morning or the night? if it's in the morning it could be worth asking your doctor to change the dose to the night instead.