Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Not being able to talk with him right now is killing me. I've been practicing what I want to say and stuff and with my friends. I know he just needs space but god this hurts that I can't talk with him. Today is a really hard day. Waking up with him not there holding me makes me want to die.

Does anyone else feel overly bitter towards other people? Often people who haven't done anything to you. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life, and because I'm a very empathetic person I try to throw myself into helping other people. I am always there for my friends, whether its to let them vent about their problems (even the most benign, immature little spats they seem to get themselves into), or even helping them financially, giving them lifts places etc. I would say I'm a lot more mature than my friends. I've lived independently since I was 18, I have my own car, I manage my finances well. The other day someone I would call an aquaintance, who I'm going to refer to as X, posted a status on FB saying they were in a bad place at a certain location. Within seconds, several people were commenting, offering to order X a taxi, banding together to drive there and find X, asking X whatever they needed and how they could help. Within 10 minutes pictures were posted of X safely collected by someone. This reminded of me of when I had gone to the same location as X, in the same position. I was incredibly suicidal, and was desperately reaching out for someone to help. I ended up calling someone directly who I considered my best friend (turned out they just wanted to fuck my boyfriend), and they told me to "just go home" even though they were 5 minutes down the road. When we got engaged they didn't come to our engagement party and cut all contact because obviously their attempt to steal my boyfriend had failed. Remembering this just made me really bitter, because even now [B]nobody gives a fuck[/B] when I'm the one in need of help. Nobody is even willing to take the time to send me an unsympathetic "what's wrong" on facebook anymore. Even the people I am thankful for won't ever come to me. I need to make the journey to go to their house, regardless of my awful anxiety of going out (they wonder why I cancel so often). I know for sure now that I'm no longer going to make the effort for [B]anyone[/B]. They can get fucked if they think I'm ever helping them again. I crave for someone to reach out and just care about [B]me[/B] for once, and I know that isn't going to happen. In no way am I saying X didn't deserve the help they recieved, everyone does. It just makes me bitter towards them. I feel like a terrible person.

Anyone here who lives alone and struggle with loneliness? I've lived by myself for exactly 7 months today and I still get very anxious over being here alone. It's okay for 1-2 hours after I get home, but eventually the loneliness kicks in which leads to anxiety which usually leads to a panic attack. It bothers me so much to sit in front of the computer all alone, to make dinner all alone, to do chores in general all alone. I can't do anything alone without being bothered by the thoughts "you're all alone". I can't stay here a single day at the time without ending up with a panic attack. So my girlfriend is usually here. She practically lives here even though she doesn't according to the contract. When she's not here, I do drugs to forget that I'm lonely. I don't know how to deal with this. Is it even realistic to be with other people every single day? Even if I am with others during the day, maybe a friend has visited or w/e, I'll still get anxious and lonely as soon as they leave. Having my girlfriend over here all the time isn't practical either since eventually she starts missing home. Right now, after having been at my place for months on end, she's home. She left Sunday and I coped by taking MDMA and smoking weed. Monday I had a friend over and smoked weed all day and I ended up going to her instead late in the evening. Now it's Tuesday and I'm not coping well. Feels real bad. I want to be home, alone and appreciate that I can do whatever I want. To work on myself, to finish chores, just do my own thing.. but I can't.

It's sad I can't speak to her anymore. I knew she wouldn't reply back so I don't even know why I sent her a message anyway. I want to message her again and tell her I'm suicidal but it's probably a bad idea so I won't do it. I don't even know why I want to tell her all this she hasn't been a part of my life in years but if she ever wants to talk again I would

I haven't posted to this thread in ages... I haven't had a psychotic episode in a couple of months! :dance: this has been the longest period of time I have ever felt "normal", since I was diagnosed at 13/14 years old. FINGERS CROSSED that this state of wholeness lasts for a while longer, at least.

I never feel tired enough for bed. During the day I get tired and fall asleep because I can't sleep at night.

Probably going to take a break from playing games. I'm not enjoying them anymore and they're probably just exacerbating my low motivation. Browsing the net idly will probably be next on the chopping block. I just want to focus on drawing and hopefully start a webcomic so I can work on my passion project finally instead of letting it waste away in my head. I've done as much as I can with my health; it's not going to improve any more so it's time to stop waiting and hoping that it will before I can start trying to live my life and actually start living it.

Hope all my trauma attacks end soon.

I had a bad day and almost broke down. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better...

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52534190]I had a bad day and almost broke down. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better...[/QUOTE] Same. I was feeling ok for a while but now that I have a bunch of my stuff over here and am kinda winding down a bit it's starting to freak me the fuck out again. Agh. I can't get anything out of him really and it's making me frustrated and scared and aghhhhh.

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Idk how to put this but I've been feeling anxiousness and disassociation at the same time? what the heck

I can't deal with this stress anymore. I just want someone to tell me everything's going to be ok [editline]3rd August 2017[/editline] I haven't slept in 2 days now. My sleep is fucked and my liver is not doing good. I just want the pain to end. 2 months now my liver must be so fucked

Anyone has any advices to deal with anxiety? I have been having these little anxiety attacks from time to time and I get either really angry for stupid things or really sad because I feel like I won't have enough time to study for september exams.

I've been thinking about killing myself for the past 3 days and I have only noticed it now, That's not good

I've been thinking about killing myself the past 2 months constantly. I'm not eating not sleeping and I can't stay still for more than a minute without the rush of adrenaline [editline]3rd August 2017[/editline] I can only sleep like on my days off from program. The weird thing is I just don't feel tired

My therapy appointment didn't go great. I dunno what my new therapist is getting at.

Haven't heard back about my job interview and it's affecting my mood. They said I'd hear back by Wednesday but I haven't heard anything. FeelsBadMan.

I have so much to come to terms with here. Got so much to get out of my brain. Agh. It's breaking me and I'm so fucking freaked out about how to explain what caused my depression and almost made me leave this world and why I have a fog lifted now. Starting to think of contacting lawyers for like a personal injury claim or something too. God fuck that nexplanon so goddamn much. I'm so angry. That shit needs a class action suit.

It feels like it's not morals or values that keep me from doing bad things, it's laws. When I have angry thoughts, it's never stopped by 'that's bad' or 'id never do that', it's 'oh wait, that's illegal, damn'. I think this job and the torment I've felt with in the past, and how much I was backstabbed has finally broken me. I only do what I have to because society says so, not because I want to. And I have no idea how to feel about the realization. I don't know if I should be worried or frustrated.

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[QUOTE=Paincake;52537701]Haven't heard back about my job interview and it's affecting my mood. They said I'd hear back by Wednesday but I haven't heard anything. FeelsBadMan.[/QUOTE] I hate it when employers don't have the decency to contact you again. Hopefully you hear something soon, maybe you could contact them?

i realised that i've made so many fatal mistakes in my life they feel consistent

[QUOTE=Vault Hunter;52538731]I hate it when employers don't have the decency to contact you again. Hopefully you hear something soon, maybe you could contact them?[/QUOTE] Honestly its good form to call them back if its been a few days. Theyre probably deliberating multiple hires and the fact you took the initiative to check in yourself is major bonus points. Even if they just say you weren't picked, at least that's resolution.

Anyone else just wake up in the morning and basically have a heart attack for like 30 mins? Been happening to me all week. Shit is scary.

i'm stuck, im just stuck. i dunno how to explain it

[QUOTE=GamerChick;52537712]I have so much to come to terms with here. Got so much to get out of my brain. Agh. It's breaking me and I'm so fucking freaked out about how to explain what caused my depression and almost made me leave this world and why I have a fog lifted now. Starting to think of contacting lawyers for like a personal injury claim or something too. God fuck that nexplanon so goddamn much. I'm so angry. That shit needs a class action suit.[/QUOTE] Didn't your PCP tell you depression was a possible side effect? I can find stuff dating back to 2010 about depression/severe depression and emotional liability.

Feeling pain in center of my chest for 6 hours now. I think it's just from anxiety though [editline]4th August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=GamerChick;52538911]Anyone else just wake up in the morning and basically have a heart attack for like 30 mins? Been happening to me all week. Shit is scary.[/QUOTE] yeah this happens to me every day

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52539037]Didn't your PCP tell you depression was a possible side effect? I can find stuff dating back to 2010 about depression/severe depression and emotional liability.[/QUOTE] Prepare for a long response haha. Yes. That's part of the reason I'm so mad with myself. I was reading reviews and asking the obgyn about the depression and other common side effects. The doctor told me that in the first 6 months though, that it would be rough. I did tell her I had already existing mild depression due to school and my mom which she was concerned about but then it was like... Meh. I do think she rushed me into it though and she fucked up the placement according to the way more experienced doctor who took that hell rod out of me. Like that dude has been in practice for decades, he was telling me that recently hes probably removed over 1000 of them and that mine was one of the worst. I needed like 4 shots of the local anasthesia and it took him 30 mins to pull that thing out and cut it up. I had to go in twice. He was scared it would require outpatient at the hospital. Or fuck my arm nerves up. Like nigga, A FUCKING DOCTOR WHO DELIVERS BABIES AND DEALS WITH LIFE THREATENING SHIT WAS SCARED. Aside from doctors, there is so many blog posts and medicine review websites that I should have listened to because they were so consistent in describing the exact things I was going through. There was that nagging intuition voice telling me it was a bad descision. I should have listened but because I saw some like, anti abortion and anti vax type style reviews I was like... Oh, maybe some of the bad reviews were fake. There were some reviews that were believeable that nothing happened too so I felt more at ease. Everyone's body is different I guess. But yeah. Worst decision I ever made in my life so far to stick with that for 1.5 years and I will take that regret to my grave. I know I shouldn't regret it because I only really started to notice things that hey... my mind and body are sick right now and something is horribly wrong about a year ago. I should have listened to that voice in my head and heart telling me STOP. I was so depressed though and so detatched and scared that I seriously could not do anything until recently. I got that shit out in early march and I'm still recovering I mean god damn. I'm just very glad though that it fucked my body up enough to prevent me from being prego because having a kid in this mess would destroy me and him too. I think he feels like he pressured me into it and did this to me but I want to explain to him that I was thinking of doing it to reduce my period anyway and that his idea to get birth control because we can't care for a kid properly just reassured me that it would be ok. Venting here and to my friends helps but its like not enough. Agh. I think I need to tell my dad all of this or my family. I need a man's perspective because all my female friends (and I told his mom some of it) know the deal. Really struggling for the last 2 days and this morning. I'm going to get as many reliable looking things about birth control fucking shit up and send it to him when he is ready to hear it. I know guys don't really understand this stuff but I need to voice my concerns and I think it will help with our communication. Hell he doesnt even need to respond right away and I'm gunna let him know when we finally have a chat. Fuckkkkk. At least getting mad at this shit is kind of taking my mind off blaming myself for everything petty and blaming him entirely. The nexplanon fucked my life up and I need to tell my fiance how I have felt and that none of this is our faults. I need to show him that it's his strength and love that got me through this. I mean he proposed and I felt no pressure from him. He worked hard to regain my trust after that porn thing. This fucker took me on a fun adventures and took me out of my abusive mom's house and showed me a reason to fucking get out of this fucking ordeal when I was at the lowest point in my life. God fucking dammit he needs to hear this.

I really fucked up