Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Job application after application, and there's either no response or a response akin to "your qualifications are impressive, but lolno". Even if I got a new job, I'm worried that I'll get into that "shutdown" mode again and miss a lot of work. But this current job is driving me up a wall. Bizarre hours means no stable sleep schedule which throws me completely off kilter, and unstable work hours combined with low pay for a job that's somehow more stressful than it should be is wearing me down already. I'm basically relying on my family to help me out with rent and stuff, and it sickens me. I'm a grown-ass man who can't seem to hold a good job because I get those days where I wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread, and even the days that I'm optimistic are greeted with some sort of failure or shortcoming that makes me wonder why I even bother at all. I don't know what I want to do, and the region here has nothing for me, not anything that doesn't require years of experience or certifications I can't afford to take. I can't even get back into HVAC because 1) Nobody's hiring for that, 2) most companies here are shit-tier in their own ways (either shit pay or shit management that treat their employees like garbage), and 3) I have no idea where my licenses have disappeared to, I have no idea how to get new ones, and if I could get new ones I probably couldn't afford it. I'm at the point where I have to choose between food and rent, and I haven't had anything to help me deal with my depression/anxiety since November last year, prescribed or otherwise, so I've been forced to tough it out but it's wearing me down. Even then, the only thing that seemed to do a damn thing for me was pot, which I can't do because I can't afford it, and even if I could afford it I can't do it because that immediately shuts me out of any sort of work I'd be qualified to do. I can't even do free-lance computer work because every nerd in town is doing it and already has their clientele in order, people already "know a guy", or they just don't care about/use computers because they rely on mobiles, which I don't have the tools/experience to repair. I can't even find anything to do to try and take my mind off of all this chaos, because I can never seem to get anything right, or decide what I even want to do. I like to tinker, but I've no idea what to tinker with despite being surrounded by the tools and materials to do so, and the short bouts I [I]do[/I] have where I feel like tinkering I find I'm missing something that I can't afford to procure in order to even start the project. Even playing games has been an empty experience because I either can't decide what I want to do (sandbox games like Space Engineers or Minecraft), or I just can't seem to do anything right no matter what I do. I'm currently trying Overwatch competitive, it's a "nicer" experience because people actually communicate and coordinate unlike in most Quickplay matches, except for when they don't, but even then I'm tanking in SR, which I told myself I don't care about SR but at the same time I have this underlying, nagging feeling that it means that I'm fucking everything up and can't do anything right (again, in something as simple as a video game). All of this has worn me down to the point where I caught myself thinking about the jug of nitric acid under my sink, and whether I should just grab a glass and chug some of it, but I stopped myself at that point because otherwise I'd just be causing the few people who do give a shit about me untold grief which, again, makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I had a couple of job interviews (one in person and one over the phone), but I haven't heard back from either of them. My anxiety is now acting up to the point that I'm freaking out over the maintenance position I've applied for, where I'd basically be mowing lawns at senior living centers for $10/hr. until the later seasons where I'd actually be fixing stuff, because there's something in the back of my head that's going "Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck, what if they actually hired you on the spot and when you said you could start in two weeks, they actually expected you to show up in two weeks?!" Granted I'd be more than happy to immediately ditch the current job I have if it means having ANYTHING better that I'm actually qualified to do, but I worry about being "that guy" who just ups and leaves a job without any notice because I've been there when others have done it, and it fucking sucks to pick up the slack on such short notice like that, plus my more direct manager (or one of them anyway) is actually pretty cool, though constrained by his job requirements. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels and I have no clue what I'm going to do about it. [editline]7th August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Ardosos;52548566]Whenever I look back at my life, I see nothing but regrets, the wrong choices, and missed opportunities. And yet, it's not enough to motivate me to put any work into trying to change. I've had so many warnings and wakeup calls, why doesn't anything actually motivate me?[/QUOTE] Same here, man. All it takes is one fuck-up and immediately, every single fuck-up I've ever done starts snow-balling in my head until I'm hit with a tidal wave of grief to the point that I nearly (and sometimes do) break down crying. Even simple stuff anymore. Hell, I was making pizza and cut open the packet of dough mix, set it aside, and it fell over and spilled on the stove. Not even much, like a tablespoon's worth, but that was enough to send me over the edge after an already shitty day, I had somehow managed to keep it together up until that moment. It makes me feel all the dumber and incapable that I can lose it because of something so simple, and I can't stand it.

I'm still fucking drained from everything and bad shit keeps popping up in my head about a million ways this could go even worse.

I thought fixing my adhd would cure my depression because I thought my depression was caused by adhd I now have very motivated depression and I am unsure if that's an improvement because I have abandoned my friends but can finally get my work done

[QUOTE=fishyfish777;52549430]I thought fixing my adhd would cure my depression because I thought my depression was caused by adhd I now have very motivated depression and I am unsure if that's an improvement because I have abandoned my friends but can finally get my work done[/QUOTE] Well, my ADD stops me from committing to one career which is a significant contributor to my depression. What are your interests, hobbies whatever?

[QUOTE=fishyfish777;52549430]I thought fixing my adhd would cure my depression because I thought my depression was caused by adhd I now have very motivated depression and I am unsure if that's an improvement because I have abandoned my friends but can finally get my work done[/QUOTE] If you don't mind me asking, how did you fix your adhd?

I'm starting up with school again later this month. I haven't been to school since 2012 and I'm getting more anxious for every day the date gets closer. Getting a job where I work twice a week was supposed to be a stepping stone into getting used to doing something again but so far that hasn't worked out well at all. I've skipped work at least once every week and sometimes whole weeks which leaves me with more sick days than work days. The added stress of school being around the corner has made my routine fall apart completely. I haven't cleaned my apartment in 2 months, I barely go to the gym, I rarely make dinner anymore or go grocery shopping so there's a lot of takeaway which eats up my economy. My sleep health and general hygiene has plummeted. After being so passive for so many years, all of this stuff with both school and work is stressing me out so much. I can barely maintain 3 hours twice during a week with work, how will this look once I'll add another 2 full days with school, 2 full days with work and 1 day for therapy? I'll go from having 7 free days a week for the past 5 years to only having 2 free days. My already fragile routine that involves chores, hygiene and the gym doesn't work when I'm as stressed as I currently am and I can't imagine that'll get much better when I'm actually going to school and working at the same time. Just the thought sends me crawling, how will it feel to actually do it? I'm already considering to drop out. Considering my mental state, I'm not sure if I'm ready for such a heavy load on my routine yet. I feel like I should spend more time trying to work with a functioning routine before I throw myself into school where every class has some importance, I don't want to fuck that up by skipping school because I can't do it.

I can't even properly sleep through the night anymore, I woke up like 5 times tonight and now I'm tired as shit.

I tend to sleep through the day and stay up all night because my sleeping pattern is that screwed up :v:

Oh great, my mother instigated a fight again and my father collapsed on the toilet today because of the stress. He's already had 2 heart attacks and his health is frail.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52547934]Does the fact that I don't have a career path mean that I'll be unsuccessful in life? I've noticed all the top VFX artists, IT, people with social media following, successful business people all knew what they wanted to do their entire life. Does the fact that I don't, mean that I'm destined to fail at life? Being interested in multiple things means I'm worthless. For everyone else to win I have to lose, so I shouldn't both with anything right? Find a basic brain dead job and basic job and give on everything. That makes sense. I'm 29 and don't earn the 55K AUD per year everyone else does.[/QUOTE] I have been wanting to be a vet since I was a kid. Now I have been 4 years studying to be one and it has been a pain, I have been on the edge of leaving it for 2 years now. But I don't leave because that is what I have always wanted in my life but still I feel lost in life because I don't even know if I will finish university soon or even worse, if I will be able to find a job as a vet. Just give a try and study or learn something that you like and can fill your life.

I don't even know why I bother. Nothing I do matters.

I've been having suicidal thoughts again.

Same. I can't fake being happy anymore it's exhausting. I'm just depressed over my health. I can see why my livers failing but I don't know what's wrong with my heart. Chest pains everyday and I already almost had a heart attack.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52556128]Same. I can't fake being happy anymore it's exhausting. I'm just depressed over my health. I can see why my livers failing but I don't know what's wrong with my heart. Chest pains everyday and I already almost had a heart attack.[/QUOTE] So what have the doctors said about your heart? Have they run an EKG yet or done any tests? And have they confirmed your liver is failing and if so are you now on the transplant list?

This is going to maybe sound a little over the top, but it's not intentional, I just have an obsessive way of thinking. I don't fully believe to heart everything I say here, but they are things that worry me. I lived in D.C. for a good portion of my life. People there have very critical, and very high maintenance life styles. My father worked under a republican congressmen, but also had his own opinions that did not entirely align with everything the party said. I've never seen my dad more drained or work as hard as he did. He never even expected to retire, but the government enforced that people over 60 retired so they could bring in all these new hip and young people with only a month or two of on job training. He retired a couple years before the Trump campaign debacle. I just thank God he didn't have to go through that stress. What I'm trying to get at is I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to be hated or find an extreme reaction out of some one because of the type of work my dad did. American politics has never been more divided and it genuinely scares me to know throughout that I'll be hated for being an American, republican, medical marijuana user, upper middle class white suburban male, etc. It feels like it doesn't matter what I do to define myself as a citizen of my own country, the whole world has already put me in my place. I feel like people will immediately hate me when they just look at me.

I like to think that being brought up around overachievers made me super insecure. I could never be happy with myself because it seemed that everyone else was already super talented and could just about do anything, whereas I always had trouble and never improved on anything; either academically or creatively. It's probably gonna kill me but I've just accepted it at this point. It's just a part of me.

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52556957]I like to think that being brought up around overachievers made me super insecure. I could never be happy with myself because it seemed that everyone else was already super talented and could just about do anything, whereas I always had trouble and never improved on anything; either academically or creatively. It's probably gonna kill me but I've just accepted it at this point. It's just a part of me.[/QUOTE] It was the same thing with me and high school band. I was constantly getting shit from upper classmen and even people I were captain over because band kids would make rumors about my playing ability. I practiced harder on music than anything else after coming out of a long slump of being sick and it created a complex inside me because no matter how hard I practiced I would get shit for it behind my back. Especially considering that the band director for that school is abusive fucking monster. I had to talk two kids who I never talked to in person message me randomly out of the blue wanting me to convince them not to kill themselves. Their parents would yell at them about getting C's and threaten them with military/boarding school. And then our band director would use the high school hive mind to shame other students in public. It made me disgusted my senior year, and when I was attending a theater [I]interest[/I] meeting my second semester, the mother fucker hunted me down, and pointed me out of a crowd of people after having a heated argument with another teacher. He threatened me saying that if I did the play, he would take away every single piece of music I played in concert and jazz band, and also an email to my track coach saying I couldn't do Spring track because I was a slacker or some shit. He was that fucking crazy. So of course, I sent him a balloonagram on Feb 14 with my resignation letter and got a lead role in the play. Go fuck yourself Mr band director. :^)

I have no desire to do anything any more and I feel like I'm pushing the few people I talk to away

i cant shake this feeling that i've been nothing positive to everyone around me and have only been causing trouble after trouble. I feel like i am the problem. I struggle to feel any emotions past a small amount - i barely get angry, i barely get sad, i barely get happy, i barely get excited. Its weird cause right now my life is going kind of alright. ive moved back to where i know people and have grew up with them. ive already got a job, and im finally talking with someone in a bit more serious way - but i cant help to feel that im just holding everyone back with what im doing in my life. [editline]9th August 2017[/editline] this past year or so almost, has been hell on my mental health and ive thought about dying too many times for me to count. I'm finally back in a area where i have access to potentially getting mental health so hey, who knows, maybe i can finally get help. I just want to stop worrying about every single thing i do, dont do, can do, and cant do. While im not a social person at all, not being in constant contact with anyone throughout the majority of the day is really starting to get to me. I'm happy to talk with my lady friend whenever she messages me and wants to talk. and its been made that she is also the same way towards me. But even with constant talking with her throughout an entire day i still feel alone. [editline]9th August 2017[/editline] Honestly though i've felt that ive got a few years left in me at best. day by day i get constant mini-panic attacks over literally nothing. i'll be sitting there, helping someone out when i suddenly get hit by a wave of dread that just overwhelms me; i just cant handle this feeling of impending doom any more. I want it to go away. Its gotten to my core and its taken over my entire being, im too scared and worried to do anything i want to do.

I've been taking melatonin lately and it's giving me a lot of suicidal thoughts when it starts to kick in. I keep telling myself "This time will be different" but it never is, plus I need a reason to sleep since anxiety keeps me up. [editline]54[/editline] Yeah always read the warning labels before taking something, even if it's just a health supplement. Apparently that stuff can make depression way worse.

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[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;52557636]I've been taking melatonin lately and it's giving me a lot of suicidal thoughts when it starts to kick in. I keep telling myself "This time will be different" but it never is, plus I need a reason to sleep since anxiety keeps me up. [editline]54[/editline] Yeah always read the warning labels before taking something, even if it's just a health supplement. Apparently that stuff can make depression way worse.[/QUOTE] Weird maybe I should only take my low dose pms preventer one then. Normally I take 10mg of the stuff so I can sleep and lucid dream better. Usually waking up sucks after the higher dose.

Note to self don't trust people too much, it hurt so much when they betrayed your ass, damn it man !! Ah well back to square one i guess.

Anyone else have this unshakable feeling that they're better off dead? Like the feeling that you belong nowhere and have nowhere to go with your life from here. I suppose I should reserve this sort of thought for my therapist but I needed a space to vent or I'd explode.

[QUOTE=Mud;52558650]Anyone else have this unshakable feeling that they're better off dead? Like the feeling that you belong nowhere and have nowhere to go with your life from here. I suppose I should reserve this sort of thought for my therapist but I needed a space to vent or I'd explode.[/QUOTE] That's how I was feeling for over a year on that nexplanon. I hate even thinking about that. Sometimes I also get the feeling that I'm like... In the wrong time period as well it's really strange.

[QUOTE=Sire Noodles;52558628]Note to self don't trust people too much, it hurt so much when they betrayed your ass, damn it man !! Ah well back to square one i guess.[/QUOTE] Ditch negativity without a second thought. You don't need that shit :happy:

some times I am just staring for 10 minutes I dont even know

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52556142]So what have the doctors said about your heart? Have they run an EKG yet or done any tests? And have they confirmed your liver is failing and if so are you now on the transplant list?[/QUOTE] I don't even care anymore. My liver is failing and I'll be dead within 3 years. I'll probably end up dead from suicide before that sometime this year. I'm not afraid of dying so I think suicide is my best option. Not going to bother with a liver transplant [editline]10th August 2017[/editline] A liver transplant is just going to put to much stress on my family. I only see one way out right now and I'm just thinking about ending it so those that do love me don't have to watch me slowly die.

Well. Tried talking to a girl who I liked in highschool a while ago. Fucked that up. Long story short I got three stalking charges over what took place exclusively on facebook. Stalking is a word with a loooooooot of gravity to describe a simple no contact violation done in the privacy of my own home. I'm actually a really tall, tan, and attractive guy, but with this shit and being single for so long I kind of feel like I'm not supposed to hug any of the women in my life or push for anything. I feel like I have a cleft pallet. Court psychologist is getting the third one thrown out otherwise I'd go to jail for 6 months over facebook. Isn't that kind of nuts? I'll admit I crossed the line [I]when you take some of the stuff out of it's context[/I], but goddamn! Currently having coffee almost every day at my volunteer job (from which I derive my self-worth and use it to cope) with this chick who is about 15 years older than me, she's nice to talk to. I just want to die sometimes.

I dunno dude you can still facilitate some pretty violating behavior over the internet. If a judge found it prudent to lay some charges on you, it was probably some pretty damning evidence. You have to be real careful on social media because what might seem minor to you can seem really alarming to someone else. But either way, just don't drop that stuff on a first date or anything and you can still make friends and talk to women like normal. You just have to be careful of your conduct, both on and off the internet.