Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I was 19 and afraid to talk to the judge. The 1 year injunction wouldnt have started had I explained hey look now I am 19, I live at home, I don't have a driver's license, and I've never been in a fight. I've never demonstrated any capacity for violence, I wasn't even trying to stir up shit. I said oh yeah I am totally going to rape you. On what fucking planet is that not sarcasm? Planet CNN where they have 24/7 coverage of Syria? I should've explained but I was looking at the seal of florida shitting my pants in that courtroom. Someone should've de-escalated it but that's not what the special victim's unit does. It really makes me chuckle, the SVU. I'm 2 fucking years younger than she is and she fucking straddled me during class this one time. When you're 14 that shit is really fucking confusing. Anyway the main point of this paragraph is that I am in the right and there's something fucky going on with how badly these people want to bam me. I think I am kind of an "undesirable" in a post-trump world, that's my theory. [editline]10th August 2017[/editline] She was the only person I ever loved and she poop'd on me, and I am afraid to love again. :( [highlight](User was permabanned for this post ("Alt of coreym" - Kiwi))[/highlight]

Today I attended the first of seven CBT group sessions aimed at reducing stress and anxiety. Taken me an awful lot of courage to get to this point but I'm lucky my area has a great, quick referral service. Seems like it should hopefully help me to manage my anxiety a bit better.

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;52559041]Ditch negativity without a second thought. You don't need that shit :happy:[/QUOTE] Agree, i gotta keep my head straight and move on.

[QUOTE=St Malik;52559764][b]I said oh yeah I am totally going to rape you.[/b][/QUOTE] Yeah... I can see how that would end poorly with or without context.

i lost my kirby keychain yesterday and i'm sad

it really makes you feel loved and wanted when you're silent and depressed for a week but no one talks to you or anything. then you leave a discord group because of it and it takes almost 3 days for anyone to even notice you left. Like wow guys, I feel like such an intricate part of the group, totally not someone you'll just forget about a week from now

I'm slowly getting to the point where I don't know in what direction to go anymore. I've been sending dozens of job applications and interviews, where response was either none or "it's something we might be looking for but not now", and it doesn't help that most of the jobs here are either Java eccentric or require a couple of years of experience. This entire year has been a mess, a strong hit and miss, from the point of pursuing a game project that would make everything much more tolerable but nope, fate just doesn't want to allow life to be a bit more enjoyable. I found that I enjoy game development a whole lot more than any programming jobs but couldn't get a job at any, locally or remotely. I don't know what else to do, the region here doesn't has nothing for me within my range of qualitifactions. I've tried for the past few months just brainstorming various game ideas with friends and pitch them to various publishers, hoping we might get lucky with at least one, but barely gotten response from any, and from the few ones we did get were "we would like to see a prototype" which is out of the question sadly, as my friends involved either wouldn't put enoght time and effort due to their current full time jobs or were jobless and decided to go for a shitty job instead, so morale went down even more. No matter what I try to do it always falls apart. I've always felt like I've been pulling the weight in every project made which almost always ended up being scrapped because everyone else lost interest and I just got tired from that. I just can't commit to anything knowing that it'll just fall apart again. Can't seem to find people with the same passion here. I live in some small time town where most game companies, students and creative mindsets are far from my region. And it especially doesn't help that I'm currently jobless, all my previous jobs were unrelated to my profession and almost in every case the jobs had some terrible management that purposefuly made things worse for you, because it's much cheaper for them to hire new people and interns and at most case, newcomers would have bigger salaries than those who have worked there for years. I'm really tired of all the options I have here, the place I live in and with all the life choices I have made. And because of that, I've been struggling hard within these past few months. My anxiety is getting stronger again and just panicking more. I can't even get to do the most simplest task anymore, everything is a chore. And it makes it far worse when on top of my head the only question I get whenever I do something is "how much will it pay me?". Stressed and disappointed about everything, heavily affecting my blood pressure and have started gaining more weight, all in all my health is at a very terrible shape. I really don't know what to do if I will keep having job applications rejected like that for long. All the work I've done both as hobby and for a specific project that I spent a big chunk of my life can either be the turning point of my life or the breaking point. As for a portfolio to get hired at any remote jobs (there are very few game companies out here, most of them do outsourcing) is very small due to all the previous choices I've done, from unfinished projects to other projects that are under NDA. I don't even know what to pursue anymore. Programming has been something I've been doing for these past few years, but before that art and modeling used to be my main interest. I don't know what to go with, fuck this jack of all trades noise. I guess I was just not meant to have it as a game development career, no matter what skills and devotion I'd have for it.

[QUOTE=atrblizzard;52561463]I'm slowly getting to the point where I don't know in what direction to go anymore. I've been sending dozens of job applications and interviews, where response was either none or "it's something we might be looking for but not now", and it doesn't help that most of the jobs here are either Java eccentric or require a couple of years of experience. This entire year has been a mess, a strong hit and miss, from the point of pursuing a game project that would make everything much more tolerable but nope, fate just doesn't want to allow life to be a bit more enjoyable. I found that I enjoy game development a whole lot more than any programming jobs but couldn't get a job at any, locally or remotely. I don't know what else to do, the region here doesn't has nothing for me within my range of qualitifactions. I've tried for the past few months just brainstorming various game ideas with friends and pitch them to various publishers, hoping we might get lucky with at least one, but barely gotten response from any, and from the few ones we did get were "we would like to see a prototype" which is out of the question sadly, as my friends involved either wouldn't put enoght time and effort due to their current full time jobs or were jobless and decided to go for a shitty job instead, so morale went down even more. No matter what I try to do it always falls apart. I've always felt like I've been pulling the weight in every project made which almost always ended up being scrapped because everyone else lost interest and I just got tired from that. I just can't commit to anything knowing that it'll just fall apart again. Can't seem to find people with the same passion here. I live in some small time town where most game companies, students and creative mindsets are far from my region. And it especially doesn't help that I'm currently jobless, all my previous jobs were unrelated to my profession and almost in every case the jobs had some terrible management that purposefuly made things worse for you, because it's much cheaper for them to hire new people and interns and at most case, newcomers would have bigger salaries than those who have worked there for years. I'm really tired of all the options I have here, the place I live in and with all the life choices I have made. And because of that, I've been struggling hard within these past few months. My anxiety is getting stronger again and just panicking more. I can't even get to do the most simplest task anymore, everything is a chore. And it makes it far worse when on top of my head the only question I get whenever I do something is "how much will it pay me?". Stressed and disappointed about everything, heavily affecting my blood pressure and have started gaining more weight, all in all my health is at a very terrible shape. I really don't know what to do if I will keep having job applications rejected like that for long. All the work I've done both as hobby and for a specific project that I spent a big chunk of my life can either be the turning point of my life or the breaking point. As for a portfolio to get hired at any remote jobs (there are very few game companies out here, most of them do outsourcing) is very small due to all the previous choices I've done, from unfinished projects to other projects that are under NDA. I don't even know what to pursue anymore. Programming has been something I've been doing for these past few years, but before that art and modeling used to be my main interest. I don't know what to go with, fuck this jack of all trades noise. I guess I was just not meant to have it as a game development career, no matter what skills and devotion I'd have for it.[/QUOTE] First off I want to say that while life seems bleak it will get better. Its easier said than done but you gotta hang in there! You can and will make it! My Uncle has Bipolar Manic Depression disorder and has attempted suicide twice and has been hospitalized 3 times (Third time because he realized he was gonna try to attempt suicide a third time and took himself in). My family didn't know if he would make it but miraculously he is alive and well today. He is now married with an job building electrical systems for Yachts. That Anecdote is all to say that life with kick your head in; it will throw you to the ground and kick you while you are down. But life only wins if you never pick yourself up; Life wins when you let it win. Find your support group (Friends, Family, teachers, co-workers.) and keep on pushing forward! Whether you realize it or not, someone is out there rooting for you to succeed. And at the very least, I'm rooting for you my dude!

In this last couple of years it seems hard for me to well fall in love with someone, i haven't fallen for any girl in a long time now the last time i really fall in deep was when i was in highschool but now it seems empty and i only look at girls for their sex appeal but never wanted to have a romantic relationship with any of them, is this something that can be considered normal ?

[QUOTE=The golden;52564746]You could very well be [URL="http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic?title=Aromantic"]aromantic[/URL]. I am as well. It's pretty neat.[/QUOTE] That's certainly something new that i just learn, well at least i'm not the only one who's like this, thx for the info btw.

I'm kinda in a place where I like romance in theory but when it comes to put it into practice, I have very little actual interest. It's pretty weird tbh.

Yeah that sounds about right.

Does anyone ever get paranoid about becoming unstable or insane when reading creepy stories or stuff like that? I have an odd interest in creepy things and stories, fictional or not, but recently when I read them I get increasingly paranoid that I will become a stalker/murderer/miscellaneous creep, especially since I have GAD and depression and am on medication that has shady side effects. Odds are it's just that perfect mixture to cause irrational thoughts and I'm dwelling on them, but I get the fear that I'll become a monster.

[QUOTE=The golden;52565178]It's like... "I really really like you and I want to be really good friends with you and hug you and be with you but if you say you love me then I'm going to run away and hide under a table."[/QUOTE] Why is that a scary thing?

[QUOTE=The golden;52567637]Because it means the person wishes to take the relationship into an area my brain just cannot comprehend properly. I don't feel romantic attraction and so the responsibilities of one, such as the commitment and loss of independence, scares the shit out of me. It's all downsides with no upsides (that I can enjoy or feel, anyway.) ... that probably doesn't even make any sense but it's the best I can come up with. (I'll try to avoid going into this further as I know it's kinda offtopic for here)[/QUOTE] Well this is pretty much what i feel, minus the romance is scary part, but yeah romance just didn't work and it is probably not for everyone.

It's really hard to see the good in things and people when my whole life has been shit. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone because I'm always seen as a joke and scoffed off.

[QUOTE=purvisdavid1;52568711]It's really hard to see the good in things and people when my whole life has been shit. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone because I'm always seen as a joke and scoffed off.[/QUOTE] Sounds like you have some trouble with both your confidence and self-esteem. People won't take you seriously until you take the first step and take yourself seriously dude. Take it one day at a time.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52565115]I'm kinda in a place where I like romance in theory but when it comes to put it into practice, I have very little actual interest. It's pretty weird tbh.[/QUOTE] Is one of those expectation vs reality situations isn't it?

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52569033]Is one of those expectation vs reality situations isn't it?[/QUOTE] That could be it too! I dunno. I guess romance in certain mediums like movies, tv, books, always seems intriguing and desirable but in real life it's a huge issue for me. Especially when the topics of sex and gender come into play when I'm strictly asexual and am kind of confused about my gender. Like I'd rather write something about a character being in love with another character or draw art of two characters or people being love but when it comes to my actual real life I get real skittish about it lol. It's pretty silly but I'm assuming that I'll figure it out as time passes.

My medicine has made it over the 2k mark. Do I win a prize?

Tonight was really weird. I already mentioned how I have a hard time sleeping properly, but tonight I woke up at like 4 am and it was weird. I was awake and everything, I tried falling asleep again but everytime when I tried sleeping I had a sudden stream of incoherent thoughts and that kept me up for like another hour, not even going to the bathroom helped.

I dunno if this is just placebo, but I've made some attempts to cut down on caffeine and I'm feeling so much more calm and relaxed despite the withdrawals. I used to drink 600mg a day (and before that, 1200mg!) which I've slowly cut down to just 300mg a day. Yesterday I only had 100mg and today I've had zero. I wasn't expecting to feel anything at all so fast but as said, I feel a lot more at ease and relaxed than before. My thoughts aren't speeding around like usual and my head just feels more organized. I've been home alone all day doing what I usually do when I'm alone, browsing the internet. This is usually cause for panic attack due to me feeling lonely and useless but today has barely bothered me. I've felt some anxiety related to this but it's manageable anxiety that passes in minutes, not the kind that grows worse and worse over the course of a day until it turns into a full blown panic attack

Every time I leave my house and see women, and remember that women exist, and that sex exists, and that relationships and all of it exists, it hits me like a wave, completely ruins my mood for the week, if not longer. I wish I was strong enough to deal with this.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52569111]That could be it too! I dunno. I guess romance in certain mediums like movies, tv, books, always seems intriguing and desirable but in real life it's a huge issue for me. Especially when the topics of sex and gender come into play when I'm strictly asexual and am kind of confused about my gender. Like I'd rather write something about a character being in love with another character or draw art of two characters or people being love but when it comes to my actual real life I get real skittish about it lol. It's pretty silly but I'm assuming that I'll figure it out as time passes.[/QUOTE] Romance has always been such a easy concept when you see it in movies and TV shows. I think this is one thing I could never really cope with either. The whole "roses and chocolate" thing has always been alluring to me but I guess it's because in itself is a lot more fantasy-like than other concepts of real life. People have always been more interested in fantasy rather than their everyday reality.

i want to crawl out of my brain sometimes, just feel not awful for a little while

-snip-

Woah bois. I'm telling the girl I've been seeing for a month the things that are really fucked up with me now. After knowing her for 8 months I'm absolutely terrified she's going to run, and run fast. Just letting you guys know.

My sleeping pattern is so fucked right now. I wish I could sleep through the night and wake up before midday. I feel like I'm missing so much of the day.

I can't stand taking meds, it always feels like a failure I can't operate without them and that's just a failure, I'm a failure

The world is completely fucking evil. I did everything I could to make my parents proud, to be a good person, and to help people. I graduate with my bachelor's to find the country caving in all around me, a ghoul with no redeemable qualities is my president, Nazis are marching in the streets and killing people again, nobody responds to my job applications, and I can't even have fun playing video games anymore. It's like everyone and everything around me is trying to convince me that life isn't worth living. I smile and put a good face on it because I'm scared that if people knew that I go to work and think about killing myself three times a week, they'll just use it as leverage against me rather than actually trying to help. All I want is to be loved, a little bit of good faith opportunity, and for good, honest people to win every once in a goddamn blue moon. I am so fucking miserable. I've just left one of my last remaining Discord groups. I'm so tired of reaching out to people and having them just stare me down and ignore me. I'm a human being, do I have to tear my guts out for people to recognize it?