Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[URL="https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1517334&p=52581521#post52581521"]crosspost from Happy thread but [/URL] YO ROBO126 IS ALIVE He's alive and he's safe my little buddy is okay and i'm so relieved oh my gosh idk how much I'm allowed to say but he's alive, he's safe for now and he will be coming back to us, it just may take a while still

I have caused so much emotional pain to so many people I probably don't even deserve to live. I'm just a shitty person. At least I'll be dead soon

i can't stop drinking...i hate it.

Progress: I finally broke down and explained my psychological troubles to my mom, admitted that I've been suicidal for around a year now and that it's dragging me down in pretty much every capacity. I told her I needed to schedule an appointment with a therapist and that I probably need antidepressants. I also explained to her that I was afraid of telling her before because she had always been skeptical of depression as an illness, critical of prescription antidepressants (she believed they were the root cause of mass school shootings) and generally unsympathetic to victims of suicide. We talked for a long time about how she currently felt about those past statements and a lot of things were cleared up between us. I had also been afraid that my parents would decide my depression was being caused by the hormones I'm taking for my transgender HRT treatment and would try to manipulate me into stopping them. Instead she took a more reasonable position that while the hormones were probably playing a role, they weren't the root cause of my depression and that I should continue taking them for the sake of my long-term well-being. This was a huge weight off my shoulders. I lost access to mental health treatment when I graduated from university in December and I've been afraid to seek help ever since. Hopefully, once I get treatment, I'll be able to climb up and out of this hole I'm in. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me, btw. I'll try to reconnect at some point in the next few days after I've gotten more stable.

[QUOTE=JDER14;52581884]i can't stop drinking...i hate it.[/QUOTE] I have a strong urge to start drinking again. I just need something anything to take my emotional and physical pain away

[QUOTE=Sega Saturn;52581916]Progress: I finally broke down and explained my psychological troubles to my mom, admitted that I've been suicidal for around a year now and that it's dragging me down in pretty much every capacity. I told her I needed to schedule an appointment with a therapist and that I probably need antidepressants. I also explained to her that I was afraid of telling her before because she had always been skeptical of depression as an illness, critical of prescription antidepressants (she believed they were the root cause of mass school shootings) and generally unsympathetic to victims of suicide. We talked for a long time about how she currently felt about those past statements and a lot of things were cleared up between us. I had also been afraid that my parents would decide my depression was being caused by the hormones I'm taking for my transgender HRT treatment and would try to manipulate me into stopping them. Instead she took a more reasonable position that while the hormones were probably playing a role, they weren't the root cause of my depression and that I should continue taking them for the sake of my long-term well-being. This was a huge weight off my shoulders. I lost access to mental health treatment when I graduated from university in December and I've been afraid to seek help ever since. Hopefully, once I get treatment, I'll be able to climb up and out of this hole I'm in. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me, btw. I'll try to reconnect at some point in the next few days after I've gotten more stable.[/QUOTE] I'm glad you were able to talk to your mother about this. No matter how you feel I honestly think that you deserve happiness no matter who you are. [editline]16th August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Crpto2007;52581952]I have a strong urge to start drinking again. I just need something anything to take my emotional and physical pain away[/QUOTE] I've recognized you from the posts in this thread. As weird as this sounds I want to continue seeing you post because at least I know you're still here. Because even though it's hard and sometimes you feel like killing yourself at least you're stilling waking up everyday with the will power to make it through until you fall back asleep again. Don't start drinking it's just an awful road that doesn't stop. I've been pretty good about controlling it but sometimes it's just really fucking hard to face yourself and you need to drink until you pass out. But it doesn't lead to anything good. I have a friend with worse drinking problems than me and every time I hang out with him I just see him wasting away because he literally cannon stop drinking. Don't do that to yourself man. Keep fighting for life.

It's not fair that people who hurt you can just move on with their lives without guilt and regret. It's bullshit.

I'm just gonna make another post here because fuck it. I'm drunk. I've felt like I've been attracted to men lately and I've been wrestling with this feeling for a few years now. I still like women. But there is part of me that is so afraid to truly admit it. I don't know what to make of this. [editline]16th August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Sire Noodles;52582034]It's not fair that people who hurt you can just move on with their lives without guilt and regret. It's bullshit.[/QUOTE] I hate that feeling man. It's so hard. Letting go is so hard. And I started talking to her again because I'm going to be stuck with her because we're in the same nursing class for the next three years. I can't bear to stand that we'll be forced to be together because of that. I hate her sometimes but I have to let her go. So I'm pretending to be her friend. But she didn't feel the same way about me and she doesn't owe it to me to feel the same way. I wish I was more emotional mature but it's so hard because I'm so sensitive. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I'm sorry that I'm making this about me but I feel the same away as you. I just want to let it go. But I can't and I don't know if this is a moral or personal failing on my part.

I don't know if I can continue like this. I thought a lot about how if I kill myself I won't ever see my family again but it's something I need to do. My symptoms are getting worse and I'm not receiving any treatment. I have decompensated cirrhosis and it fucking sucks. [editline]17th August 2017[/editline] What's the point in living if I'm going to die in a few years? How can I be happy knowing my time left is very limited. Seriously on the verge of just getting it over with

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52582171]I don't know if I can continue like this. I thought a lot about how if I kill myself I won't ever see my family again but it's something I need to do. My symptoms are getting worse and I'm not receiving any treatment. I have decompensated cirrhosis and it fucking sucks.[/QUOTE] Please get treatment. I don't know enough about your situation. I've thought about how I'm going to kill myself too. It won't be now but it'll be later when I wake up and realize my life is shit. Then I go to my shotgun and blow my brains out because I can't take it anymore. I'm there with you. But please get treatment. I don't know about your finances or your situation but I believe in you.

*snip*

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52582171]I don't know if I can continue like this. I thought a lot about how if I kill myself I won't ever see my family again but it's something I need to do. My symptoms are getting worse and I'm not receiving any treatment. I have decompensated cirrhosis and it fucking sucks.[/QUOTE] It's time to sit down and figure out what you want to do. Even with decompensated cirrhosis you can live more then a year at stage 4. The average wait time for a liver transplant is 145 days. If your condition is critical enough you'll be put on the high priority list which is a lot shorter. Make some calls.

[QUOTE=JDER14;52582039]I hate that feeling man. It's so hard. Letting go is so hard. And I started talking to her again because I'm going to be stuck with her because we're in the same nursing class for the next three years. I can't bear to stand that we'll be forced to be together because of that. I hate her sometimes but I have to let her go. So I'm pretending to be her friend. But she didn't feel the same way about me and she doesn't owe it to me to feel the same way. I wish I was more emotional mature but it's so hard because I'm so sensitive. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I'm sorry that I'm making this about me but I feel the same away as you. I just want to let it go. But I can't and I don't know if this is a moral or personal failing on my part.[/QUOTE] It's ok man i know what you feel and what kind of pain that you are enduring with, seeing how they are so ignorant of what they have done to us is painful, some people are just like that, they don't care to what they are doing, but we can be better than them since we know what it feels to be like this, hopefully things will get better for both you and me, and we can forget whatever bad stuff that happens to us.

Going back to school again today. Anxious as fuck. I wonder how it'll feel to walk on a school with hundreds of students when all the company I've had over the last 4-5 years has mostly been myself. I think this could be a real turning point for my social anxiety to throw myself into such a scary situation. Hopefully it goes well.

[QUOTE=PredGD;52582864]Going back to school again today. Anxious as fuck. I wonder how it'll feel to walk on a school with hundreds of students when all the company I've had over the last 4-5 years has mostly been myself. I think this could be a real turning point for my social anxiety to throw myself into such a scary situation. Hopefully it goes well.[/QUOTE] Hopefully dude. I've found with me that I've let my social anxiety stop me from socialising when I'm not forced into it. At school/uni it's often less nerve-racking since like you're put into a social situation, rather than having to seek it out yourself, it comes to you (sometimes). I hope you're having a good day though! :smile: [editline]17th August 2017[/editline] Also I was just wondering whether anyone believes in reincarnation? I personally don't, but I'm fucking terrified by the idea. My girlfriend of the past three years and I just split up, and while we ended it on mostly great terms, and will hopefully maintain a solid friendship for as long as we can. It got me thinking. I don't want to kill myself specifically, but life feels so empty and pointless. I don't feel like I'm going to aspire to and that I've missed any oppurtunities to do so, and while I know I'm just 18 and have plenty of time to get my life sorted, it just feels like I won't be able to do it. It feels like it'd just be more useful if I wasn't alive rather than facing potentially 80 or something years of shittness. Which is why I'm kinda scared of the concept of reincarnation. I know it's the most moronic thing to be fearful of. But I've grown up around religions and spirituality which involves reincarnation. And while I don't believe in it, it's still kinda scary that I might be like this in another life as well :cry:

[QUOTE=p0rtal;52582956]Hopefully dude. I've found with me that I've let my social anxiety stop me from socialising when I'm not forced into it. At school/uni it's often less nerve-racking since like you're put into a social situation, rather than having to seek it out yourself, it comes to you (sometimes). I hope you're having a good day though! :smile: [editline]17th August 2017[/editline] Also I was just wondering whether anyone believes in reincarnation? I personally don't, but I'm fucking terrified by the idea. My girlfriend of the past three years and I just split up, and while we ended it on mostly great terms, and will hopefully maintain a solid friendship for as long as we can. It got me thinking. I don't want to kill myself specifically, but life feels so empty and pointless. I don't feel like I'm going to aspire to and that I've missed any oppurtunities to do so, and while I know I'm just 18 and have plenty of time to get my life sorted, it just feels like I won't be able to do it. It feels like it'd just be more useful if I wasn't alive rather than facing potentially 80 or something years of shittness. Which is why I'm kinda scared of the concept of reincarnation. I know it's the most moronic thing to be fearful of. But I've grown up around religions and spirituality which involves reincarnation. And while I don't believe in it, it's still kinda scary that I might be like this in another life as well :cry:[/QUOTE] I would love strongly to believe that when you die tou relive again all your memorable moment in your life over and over again. Af if you are sleeping without waking up anymore. Just you and your happiest or saddest memories keep you company. Sure, this sound really awful if you had a REALLY shitty life, but at least is the most realistic thing I can think of...

[QUOTE=p0rtal;52582956]Hopefully dude. I've found with me that I've let my social anxiety stop me from socialising when I'm not forced into it. At school/uni it's often less nerve-racking since like you're put into a social situation, rather than having to seek it out yourself, it comes to you (sometimes). I hope you're having a good day though! :smile: [editline]17th August 2017[/editline] Also I was just wondering whether anyone believes in reincarnation? I personally don't, but I'm fucking terrified by the idea. My girlfriend of the past three years and I just split up, and while we ended it on mostly great terms, and will hopefully maintain a solid friendship for as long as we can. It got me thinking. I don't want to kill myself specifically, but life feels so empty and pointless. I don't feel like I'm going to aspire to and that I've missed any oppurtunities to do so, and while I know I'm just 18 and have plenty of time to get my life sorted, it just feels like I won't be able to do it. It feels like it'd just be more useful if I wasn't alive rather than facing potentially 80 or something years of shittness. Which is why I'm kinda scared of the concept of reincarnation. I know it's the most moronic thing to be fearful of. But I've grown up around religions and spirituality which involves reincarnation. And while I don't believe in it, it's still kinda scary that I might be like this in another life as well :cry:[/QUOTE] I agree, having social situations come to me is so much easier to deal with than seeking it out myself. Which I experienced today, it went so much better than expected. It was hard to suppress the anxiety 100% but it was definitely manageable. Looking forward to more school now that I've first had a taste! :) I don't believe in reincarnation myself. Our brains are who we are and as far as we know, no such thing as a soul exists. Our brains are just huge, complex networks of cells that are basically just small machines following its programming (DNA) and do stuff that hormones tell them to do. If these small things go away, we go away. Its a wonder that we're even lucid when you think about it. If you dissect us and look at what we're actually made of, our cells, we're basically just trillions of small machines that are programmed to work together that somehow creates us. With that in mind, how would reincarnation be possible? If reincarnation is real though, then maybe there's some comfort in the fact that you won't know it? If it's real and you don't remember any of your other lives then surely you won't remember this one in your next one either. It would be sad to think that life could be unsatisfactory in your next life too, but if you have no memory of the previous one then there would be no painful memories either. Ignorance is a bliss yes?

I have a nervous system disorder [i]and[/i] a bad spine. I can't sleep because I'm always shaking.

[QUOTE=Sire Noodles;52582034]It's not fair that people who hurt you can just move on with their lives without guilt and regret. It's bullshit.[/QUOTE] I hear you... Shit always happens to the good people whilst the assholes get away with everything. :angry:

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;52584177]I hear you... Shit always happens to the good people whilst the assholes get away with everything. :angry:[/QUOTE] Don't completely quote me on this, but some might say that those good people who go through that can end up being better people, because they know better to screw over others. Because [i]they[/i] know what it feels like, and don't want to pass that on to others. Unless they have a "misery loves company" mindset.

i sincerely hope you guys manage to get through most of your problems. i've been reading some of this thread's pages and fuck man, i dont even know what to say. if anyone of you need someone to talk to, hit me up. my discord is "bonickhausen#4392". stay safe out there.

A couple weeks ago I made a pretty pathetic suicide attempt. I haven't really talked to anybody about it, it's not really something you bring up casually. Kind of feels like I'm pretending it never happened. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it. Sometimes I feel apathetic about it, other times I feel absolutely defeated. I don't know how to deal with myself sometimes. My psychiatrist asked if I was hurting myself, I told her no because I didn't want to hurt anymore, hence why I tried in the first place.

I've relapsed fully into my disordered eating behaviours. I've thrown up almost every meal I've had in the past 2-3 weeks and don't even want to stop because I'm losing so much weight and everyone's complimenting me on it. I am just going to try and stick to less than 700 calories/day and stop purging tho cause I don't wanna fuck up my teeth.

[QUOTE=meek;52586621]I've relapsed fully into my disordered eating behaviours. I've thrown up almost every meal I've had in the past 2-3 weeks and don't even want to stop because I'm losing so much weight and everyone's complimenting me on it. I am just going to try and stick to less than 700 calories/day and stop purging tho cause I don't wanna fuck up my teeth.[/QUOTE] Try a low carbs, high fat diet instead. It allows you to practically eat how much food you want to, given that it doesn't contain more than five or so grams of carbs per 100 grams of food. The biggest issue is that you can't really work out well because you'll be fatigued too fast. [URL]https://www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb[/URL]

[QUOTE=XeroG;52586884]Try a low carbs, high fat diet instead. It allows you to practically eat how much food you want to, given that it doesn't contain more than five or so grams of carbs per 100 grams of food. The biggest issue is that you can't really work out well because you'll be fatigued too fast. [URL]https://www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb[/URL][/QUOTE] Technically I am already on a keto diet. I just can't make myself eat above the ~800 calorie mark without having massive anxiety and having the urge to purge it.

Dude, this is really bad for your health. It might even evolve to even more serious eating disorder. I suggest you seek medical help as soon as possible soo you don't end up with a severe case of Bulimia.

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52587417]Dude, this is really bad for your health. It might even evolve to even more serious eating disorder. I suggest you seek medical help as soon as possible soo you don't end up with a severe case of Bulimia.[/QUOTE] I know. I've already been diagnosed with anorexia before. I recovered, but I just feel disgusted with the weight it made me gain. I beat myself up over every decision to eat food and fight the desire to purge it, I think during recovery all I did was hide it better. Gaining weight didn't do anything for the underlying problem :/ Also medical help isn't really an option here. I don't have access to local healthcare as I am not a resident, last time I had to go to the hospital I ended up with a huge bill that I am still paying to this day.

[IMG]https://pre14.deviantart.net/5f47/th/pre/i/2017/230/b/3/more_please_3__read_description__by_mastercoolcraft-dbkjrjc.jpg[/IMG] [QUOTE]Her injections made her lips huge! She licked her new swollen bubble lips and said, "Thanks baby" and giggled. The next day she went to the restaurant where Jerome told her to meet him. She walked in, and sure enough, there he was. He had already taken a seat and was waiting for her. She walked over and sat down. "Hey how's it going?" She said. "Good, thanks for meeting me here. You sure have gotten... bigger." Jerome said. "Well I like my lips a little bigger than most girls. In fact, I think I want them a little bigger." She said as she giggled and ran her long tongue around her swollen lips. "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom really quick." He said as he got up. But as Jerome was getting up, Megan couldn't help but notice Jerome's massive bulge in his pants. "That's almost double Sam!" She thought to herself. When he got back, she said, "Let's go back to my house." Jerome said, "Ok I'll just follow your car." [/QUOTE] [highlight](User was permabanned for this post ("Spam" - Pascall))[/highlight]

I said to myself I would wait before I kill myself to see if my liver would recover but now that I know for sure my liver is failing I don't know what to do. At this point it's not getting better. My only hope now is a new liver. I don't think I'm healthy enough for one though because of problems with my heart also. I keep getting chest pains and I can feel the pain radiate down my arms sometimes. I've been getting shortness of breath a lot and a lot of times I feel my heart racing for no reason. I probably have some sort of heart problem. I can't believe I'm having all these problems now. I didn't want to get sick. its so tempting to just give up

I'm starting to worry that I'll never lose the weight I've put on recently. I'm a little over 6 ft and 186 pounds so it doesn't show unless I'm wearing something around my gut, then it shows. People either tell me that i@' not overweight or tell me that I'm young and I'll lose it once I get back to school and start walking everywhere. Knowing my chronic laziness coupled with my depression I feel like I'm going to have a huge gut by the time I'm 25. I don't go to the gym and work out per se, but I do walk for long periods when I'm at school. I'll walk an hour to get to a thrift store and walk back. I'll do that once a week, time permitting. I've always been the tall, skinny kid, and I'm built like my dad, who at 48 is 6 ft and thin. I'm going to try cutting the soda out of my diet completely and switch to apple juice, soy milk, and flavored water to replace it. All this anxiety over my weight and my appearance is not helping my mental health which was never great to begin with.