Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I'd be careful even with the apple juice if you're looking to lose some weight. It's not fatty foods that does it's lot of the time, it's the sugar that your body is unable to utilize. Try drinks like Crystal Light which are like kool-aid but with an almost negligible amount of sugar and are a majority water. They still taste good though. And if you eat any other sugar heavy foods, try limiting that as well. You'll definitely notice some improvement if your diet consists of a lot of sugar and you cut back on it.

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This is a heartfelt life story so feel free to skip it. I just need to post it somewhere so I'm not just pretending these thoughts don't exist. I'm kinda out of it but fuck it I feel like airing my dirty laundry because I might as well at this point as my stress is making me end it all relatively soon. My dad was a two faced man. He bought me a lot of nice things growing up, decorated my room in frankly over the top ways (wall mounted tv when I was a teen etc) and if I got upset he'd usually buy me something then vanish. The thing is the more hidden side of him was the fact he was a very nasty alcoholic. He'd come home night after night and beat me and my mom without remembering a thing the next day. He'd say we have to endure it because "I have to be nice to people at work, you're my outlets." As I got older he just got worse and worse where he'd threaten anyone that I tried to become friends with, on holidays if I didn't celebrate how he'd want me to he'd drag me into the basement and punch me and tell me how he wanted me to act. He'd tug my hair and beat me and there was nothing I could do. He'd make up lies about me and treat me as a trophy to his work buddies and if I didn't go along with what he'd say I'd be punished. I had to take all of it so he wouldn't go after my crippled mother. I recall one time she went back home to her family for a week leaving me alone with him and like some kind of cartoonish super villain he told me "She's not here to protect you anymore." before attacking me. I tried calling the police several times but he was drinking buddies with a couple officers around here so every time they'd come over he'd somehow hand wave it off as "nothing big" and get away with his horrible shit and my mom was too afraid to leave due to her bad legs and disability getting around. It was hell and life outside my home wasn't much better. At school I was the target of most bullies due to being passive and nervous around folks in general. If anyone tried to befriend me we'd go home play games and well, my dad would literally attack them sometimes so soon nobody wanted anything to do with me. Soon rumors started to spread about how I hate people, want to hurt people just... insane things that made me desperate for approval. I started acting out in desperation and it just alienated more people- lil Sift was dumb as hell. It doesn't help that I was also quite literally dumb as hell because I could never get the help I needed. Any questions I had about grammar, history, that kind of thing would be met with "figure it out yourself" which leads to things like my frankly shameful English skills. I made a few friends who stuck with me despite this though and it was basically the only way I got through my school days. I was just kind of a rejected kid all the way up to my young adult life in high school. Things finally changed though after I graduated. A few days later my dad put his hands on my throat, pushed me out of my chair and onto the floor and tried to kill me. Being older and stronger I fought him off and me and my mother decided monetary safety or not we had to leave. It had been about 18 years and it finally clicked I guess that he was going to kill us if we stayed. We moved to a small apartment and started fresh. I got a job and things looked up... until I was fired. My dad was harassing the store that I worked at apparently and they thought it was easier to let me go then deal with him. This would happen a handful of times before I just stopped trying- I didn't know how he kept finding out where I was working but after a week he'd just... show up or start tying up phone lines to try and talk about me. I would try moving out on my own after some time but that lasted a spectacularly short while as I got insanely sick (had to be hooked up to a small machine so I could breath) and lost my homing and had to move back. It was then I found out my dad had moved to Florida with some other woman he was dating at the time so I was free... but I had a new problem. I'm 20-22 years old and I have the social skills of a stone due to everything that's happened. One of my friends passed away in a storm and while I was gone the couple others I had moved out as well and we just... kinda drifted apart. Aside from my mother I was alone. I fell into a serious depression and asked to go see a psychiatrist as suicidal thoughts started to plague me- but we didn't have the money for that or anti-depressants or... [i]anything[/i] really. I couldn't find employment for a full year and in that time my own legs started to become more brittle for lack of a better term. Standing was becoming increasingly more painful but I refused to let that stop me (and to this day I still refuse to stop even if it hurts). A couple years ago my place of employment shut it's doors and I became unemployed again. Most jobs I can apply for require me to be highly mobile and it's just not something I can do. (According to my mother it's something to do with marrow or bone density or... something in our bones, I have no idea if I'm being truthful). I then turned to online work to get money and it wasn't much but it was enough to get by but... this turned me into a shut in and sent my already low social skills into a death spiral. (Or at least I assume so.) Present day and the reality of my life is setting in again and for the past month the suicidal thoughts have been back. I feel like nothing truly good has happened from being alive. I feel alone now that my friends have gone. I feel like a parasite because I can't find a job that I can maintain with my physical disabilities. I feel utterly worthless. There's a cliche of "think of how it'll effect your friends and family." and that isn't even a stop for me as my moms starting to show signs of depression as well and my dad passed away 2 years ago (not that I'd know he'd care in the first place). I'm totally alone and if I were to die the most anyone would hear about it is probably my [i]neighbors.[/i] I'm currently 28 years old and I have a unhealthy addiction to video games as a coping tool and I don't even know where to begin in terms of fixing my life if it's even possible. I constantly tell myself every night that "tomorrow is going to be better, I'm going to be full of energy and I'm going to find a way to fix this" but... it's become so hollow that I keep myself awake up until the early morning hours just drunk off my fear and self loathing. I have trouble talking to adult men because I'm *terrified* that they're going to beat me (even though I'm like, 7 feet tall). It's a stupid irrational fear that I hate having and man I just don't know how I let things get this far out of control. I'm terrified of dying and having a existential crisis seemingly every night but part of me wants to take the leap anyway as I feel like it's what I deserve. I've never drank a drop of beer, never smoked, never hurt myself in the past (on purpose anyway) yet I still have these urges and shit man, I'm scared that I'm just going to be fine with it soon.

I'm scared about having to make myself all my meals because I just know I'll use that as an excuse to never eat at all

Why do i always feel depressed the instant after coming home from having fun? Went out with my best friends tonight and had a great time, really felt happy And now that I'm home in bed again i can't sleep and once again I'm trying not to think about hitting a wall in my car or pointing a BB gun at a cop

So the Zoloft works... but not completely...? I went back to work after my temporary leave due to my freakout. Lasted about 2 hours. Started to get dizzy, everything sounding underwater, etc., and it just kept amplifying over time. I think part of it is because she works there... and yeah. But anyway... I started thinking about going back to San Antonio. I have some good friends down there and I really enjoyed my time living there for the few months I did... as long as I'm getting help for my head as well, I think I can do it easier this time. I'm 100% certain that I'm going back. I want it. I just have to somehow come up with the money to make the drive, from here in Ohio, and sustain myself for a couple weeks after getting there (can stay with friends for a bit, so a place to stay isn't really a problem). Already started looking for jobs down there, don't want to end up jobless for a few with zero leads when I get back there.

haha wish I didn't go through mood swings any time someone shows me any form of attention or anything remotely good happens to me

Im not sure how to feel about this relationship situation im in. it wasn't ever official or anything. but it kinda hurts because the way that me and her talked was pretty deep, and she said she's never really opened up like that.. and i've never opened up like that to anyone else. A little bit of backstory - She used to be with a guy, and eventually she started talking with me about how she's been treated by him... didnt sound the greatest at all. Nothin abusive but some red flags imo. Anyways. she kinda got fed up with him, and broke up with him, and then came and talked with me to kinda help out and make her feel better. She told me before thats its happened before a few times that type of situation, but she's never had someone to talk with her and comfort her feelings so much about it... and she said she felt like she had a connection with me. She told me it was going to be the last time (the time just described) she would give him a chance.. Which he blew, by ignoring her. Obviously its going to be tough to go through a breakup.. But the part that gets to me a little bit is how she said she wouldn't give him a second chance.. and then a day afterwards, he calls her, and they work out to talk out the next day sometime, which was today... I understand its her life and i can not be mad at her in any way at all. But what irks me is how she said she wouldnt give him another chance, But she did today.. And she asked me if it would make me want to not talk to her again, ever, or if it would make me angry or anything. It was obvious she wanted to leave him because she was fed up with how she was being mistreated by him, and she said she felt like i was different from the first time i met her, and how she felt that maybe it would be better if she was with someone who she could relate to rather then someone she cant. i dont know how to feel.. i dont feel angry, i feel... like a second choice, a backup plan, like im just here to make her feel better.... she made me feel so special and she said she's never felt the same way about anyone else before. I just feel conflicted, like i cant be angry at her for making this choice, but i cant be dissapointed or anything for letting her make her own choices...

I actually want to die. I want it to happen soon and with the pain I've been constantly having near my heart means a possible heart attack is imminent. I want it to strike and I want it to be fatal

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52595296]I actually want to die. I want it to happen soon and with the pain I've been constantly having near my heart means a possible heart attack is imminent. I want it to strike and I want it to be fatal[/QUOTE] Please for god's sake tell me you went to a doc.

No but it's weird I'm having chest pains near my heart now because a few months ago I actually had an EKG done on my heart and everything was fine. That was before I started having chest pains though [editline]21st August 2017[/editline] The EKG was a requirement for my program as well as regular blood tests.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52595357]No but it's weird I'm having chest pains near my heart now because a few months ago I actually had an EKG done on my heart and everything was fine. That was before I started having chest pains though [editline]21st August 2017[/editline] The EKG was a requirement for my program as well as regular blood tests.[/QUOTE] Could it be anxiety? I used to have a lot of chest pain when I was at my worst due to anxiety. It can still happen to this day but nowhere near as frequent as before

I thought that at first but no I don't think so anymore. It happens when I'm calm also. Yesterday morning I felt it a lot when I woke up.

Nowadays I just feel really apathetic about everything. I have no drive. Literally nothing makes me care these days. I probably lost one of the few things that drove me forward and now I got nothing to fight for anymore. Life is just losing meaning at this point. [editline]21st August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=MEOWTFLOL;52595247]Im not sure how to feel about this relationship situation im in. it wasn't ever official or anything. but it kinda hurts because the way that me and her talked was pretty deep, and she said she's never really opened up like that.. and i've never opened up like that to anyone else. A little bit of backstory - She used to be with a guy, and eventually she started talking with me about how she's been treated by him... didnt sound the greatest at all. Nothin abusive but some red flags imo. Anyways. she kinda got fed up with him, and broke up with him, and then came and talked with me to kinda help out and make her feel better. She told me before thats its happened before a few times that type of situation, but she's never had someone to talk with her and comfort her feelings so much about it... and she said she felt like she had a connection with me. She told me it was going to be the last time (the time just described) she would give him a chance.. Which he blew, by ignoring her. Obviously its going to be tough to go through a breakup.. But the part that gets to me a little bit is how she said she wouldn't give him a second chance.. and then a day afterwards, he calls her, and they work out to talk out the next day sometime, which was today... I understand its her life and i can not be mad at her in any way at all. But what irks me is how she said she wouldnt give him another chance, But she did today.. And she asked me if it would make me want to not talk to her again, ever, or if it would make me angry or anything. It was obvious she wanted to leave him because she was fed up with how she was being mistreated by him, and she said she felt like i was different from the first time i met her, and how she felt that maybe it would be better if she was with someone who she could relate to rather then someone she cant. i dont know how to feel.. i dont feel angry, i feel... like a second choice, a backup plan, like im just here to make her feel better.... she made me feel so special and she said she's never felt the same way about anyone else before. I just feel conflicted, like i cant be angry at her for making this choice, but i cant be dissapointed or anything for letting her make her own choices...[/QUOTE] I gotta level with you, in cases like this you might want to take a step back and not get too involved. If you have any feelings for this girl then I'm afraid to say it's probably not going to amount to anything. Even if she does say "I won't give him a second chance" those are just going to be words with no meaning behind them. If she still likes this guy she's going to keep coming back to him no matter how many times he fucks ups. Not that I blame her or anything since is hard to get over someone you got so deeply invested with. Not to mention once you really like someone is easy to overlook the flaws. I suggest to keep your guard up for now. Be there as a friend if she ever wants to vent but try not to get too emotionally involved. Trust me, I experienced this before and is not worth it pursuing someone that's in that state of affairs.

So hey guys, about a week ago I was robbed at gunpoint while working and I'm still feeling pretty fucked up about it. I'm not sleeping very much and when I DO get some sleep I almost always have nightmares. I took 1 day off of work when it happened and went right back and I'm thinking that it was a mistake. My company is going to offer counseling for what happened but in the meantime I sort of feel really alone and fucked up. I just really want to feel normal again but I don't know when or if that'll happen.

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[QUOTE=DepDirkson;52596748]So hey guys, about a week ago I was robbed at gunpoint while working and I'm still feeling pretty fucked up about it. I'm not sleeping very much and when I DO get some sleep I almost always have nightmares. I took 1 day off of work when it happened and went right back and I'm thinking that it was a mistake. My company is going to offer counseling for what happened but in the meantime I sort of feel really alone and fucked up. I just really want to feel normal again but I don't know when or if that'll happen.[/QUOTE] One time my mom worked as a bank teller in a shady part of downtown. She'd take me with her time to time and I'd watch ducktales or whatever on the shitty little tv they had laying around and it was nice. One day these two guys showed up and started talking with my mom- they'd chat with me and I'd draw pictures for them and they'd take them home. Even days I wasn't around they'd stop by and chat with my mom and they even ate lunch together sometimes. One day my dad came to my school and grabbed me and said we had to go to the hospital. My mom was there and she was absolutely battered and bruised and hooked up to machines. She recovered but it was devastating to me and her. The guys she trusted? They came in with a puppy in a cage as my mom *loves* dogs and when she went to go see it they beat her with pipes and bats and robbed the place. Then while in the hospital one of them shot and killed her boss point blank. She quit and it took awhile but she eventually healed and stopped doubting everything. I'm sure you can do the same my dude. It'll just take a while though and I'm sorry it happened in the first place. [editline]22nd August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Crpto2007;52595296]I actually want to die. I want it to happen soon and with the pain I've been constantly having near my heart means a possible heart attack is imminent. I want it to strike and I want it to be fatal[/QUOTE] I have a brother named Kevin who was in the same situation you're in. He was put on a list and it was absolutely nerve wracking. He'd send texts about how he was sorry he was a shitty son to my mom and he sent me a text for the first time in almost 20 years apologizing for not being there for me and how scared he was of dying. (He stepped out of my life early on and never made contact) As his time got closer to his expire date they finally found a replacement organ for him. Terrified he went through with it -and survived at the literal last second. I can never speak as if I know how that felt but after his surgery he found a girlfriend and his life has improved dramatically. (well he apparently sits around playing the ps4 alot but better then what it was :T). I honestly believe you can do the same and that you should never give up. Take the steps needed and give recovery a chance because when you get through this the weight off your shoulders is going to be absolutely liberating. Give it a shot my dude.

holy fuck idk whats wrong with me, everything's going fine yet i keep feeling awful for no real reason

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52596366]Nowadays I just feel really apathetic about everything. I have no drive. Literally nothing makes me care these days. I probably lost one of the few things that drove me forward and now I got nothing to fight for anymore. Life is just losing meaning at this point. [editline]21st August 2017[/editline] I gotta level with you, in cases like this you might want to take a step back and not get too involved. If you have any feelings for this girl then I'm afraid to say it's probably not going to amount to anything. Even if she does say "I won't give him a second chance" those are just going to be words with no meaning behind them. If she still likes this guy she's going to keep coming back to him no matter how many times he fucks ups. Not that I blame her or anything since is hard to get over someone you got so deeply invested with. Not to mention once you really like someone is easy to overlook the flaws. I suggest to keep your guard up for now. Be there as a friend if she ever wants to vent but try not to get too emotionally involved. Trust me, I experienced this before and is not worth it pursuing someone that's in that state of affairs.[/QUOTE] I've done some thinking and came to the same conclusion basically. Thanks for the input still, solidifies my decision to keep improving myself and keep looking. It's just tough because she was the first person i felt i could trust enough.. But im sure shit will work out.. I hope so atleast.

[QUOTE=Vodkavia;52599572]I feel like I can't do anything because I have overpowering guilt that seeps into every aspect of my life. I've tried to do everything I possibly can to try and alleviate it. I've tried apologizing over and over, I've tried donating to charity and buying people expensive heart felt gifts for Christmas and such. I feel almost forced to just avoid people I know and care about and I owe everything because ever second of contact is suffocating.[/QUOTE] Would you mind if I asked what you feel guilty about? Like where does it start at? (If it's personal then by no means do you have to disclose it of course. Heck call me a prying idiot if you want!) Because you apologizing to random people, donating to charity and buying gifts... its all very nice but it doesn't sound like you're addressing [i]yourself[/i] if that's the case. I'm horrible at describing things sometimes but it sounds like you need to do something for yourself. The best visualizer I can think of is a flower. The base and roots of it are guilt and the petals and leafs are your kind acts. Instead of uprooting it your just letting it grow.

Every time I look at my receding hair line I want to kill myself.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52600313]Every time I look at my receding hair line I want to kill myself.[/QUOTE] I have noticeable hair entries and to be honest I don't worry too much about it. You can even make it work if you style it right.

I feel like im constantly pushing people i like away and keep getting constant intrusive thoughts about ending my life I feel like I fucked up even though my lifes going great, I'm an awful person.

[QUOTE=Mud;52599220]holy fuck idk whats wrong with me, everything's going fine yet i keep feeling awful for no real reason[/QUOTE] It's okay. That's, as far as I can tell, just life. Even when I have no reason to feel down, I usually feel down. It's just who people like you and me are. Yes it's hard, but if we can make it through any given bout of sadness, we can make it through life.

I notice all of my bad behaviours. I see all of my mental illness myy dumb shit actions and responses to others yet I still can't stop it feels so fantastic

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52600313]Every time I look at my receding hair line I want to kill myself.[/QUOTE] So I've posted something like this before to someone else with a receding hairline. My honest advice is don't sweat it, own it. Yeah yeah easy enough to say right? Here's me in the foreground aged 17 [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1935833_1056466867030_5008958_n.jpg?oh=f3d9713c43301ec6f417e8ce5ec7628e&oe=5A608EBF[/t] It's already pretty clear at this stage I was loosing my hair. I tried to hide it, but if you can't tell from the photo below (same year) that's a bloody terrible idea [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/4822_110068863707_638143_n.jpg?oh=0f7cf804c5b2f9e411323723fd77f264&oe=5A32843C[/t] Things started to go alot better once I started to grow a beard [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1915415_198227418123_7484163_n.jpg?oh=001a8038eac910cd200c0a385e903416&oe=5A37EDC3[/t] A hat occasionally solved the issue, but it was only ever temporary. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36880_445849425729_3044873_n.jpg?oh=f3a27bb9c9b772afabb21f71e5b62998&oe=5A33D9CF[/t] But it was only once I cut my remaining hair down dead short and deciding I didn't give a fuck when it started to look good and people ran out of jokes. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1461271_260657017421112_1009560604_n.jpg?oh=0a21382d6dfe30e617002ca1cae1c60a&oe=5A306F0E[/t] And now I own this shit. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/19944318_10155967326065730_8458587094332674645_o.jpg?oh=a1254e2e4a8ae62bdb56daa5871fa829&oe=5A3461EA[/t] So it might seem like the worst thing in the world - but what are you going to do? You can't change it, so embrace it, make it part of who you are and life becomes a whole lot more liveable.

[QUOTE=metallics;52601315]So I've posted something like this before to someone else with a receding hairline. My honest advice is don't sweat it, own it. Yeah yeah easy enough to say right? Here's me in the foreground aged 17 [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1935833_1056466867030_5008958_n.jpg?oh=f3d9713c43301ec6f417e8ce5ec7628e&oe=5A608EBF[/t] It's already pretty clear at this stage I was loosing my hair. I tried to hide it, but if you can't tell from the photo below (same year) that's a bloody terrible idea [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/4822_110068863707_638143_n.jpg?oh=0f7cf804c5b2f9e411323723fd77f264&oe=5A32843C[/t] Things started to go alot better once I started to grow a beard [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1915415_198227418123_7484163_n.jpg?oh=001a8038eac910cd200c0a385e903416&oe=5A37EDC3[/t] A hat occasionally solved the issue, but it was only ever temporary. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36880_445849425729_3044873_n.jpg?oh=f3a27bb9c9b772afabb21f71e5b62998&oe=5A33D9CF[/t] But it was only once I cut my remaining hair down dead short and deciding I didn't give a fuck when it started to look good and people ran out of jokes. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1461271_260657017421112_1009560604_n.jpg?oh=0a21382d6dfe30e617002ca1cae1c60a&oe=5A306F0E[/t] And now I own this shit. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/19944318_10155967326065730_8458587094332674645_o.jpg?oh=a1254e2e4a8ae62bdb56daa5871fa829&oe=5A3461EA[/t] So it might seem like the worst thing in the world - but what are you going to do? You can't change it, so embrace it, make it part of who you are and life becomes a whole lot more liveable.[/QUOTE] You are blessed. It is well-known the bald people are charming as fuck. So be happy for that.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52600313]Every time I look at my receding hair line I want to kill myself.[/QUOTE] I was like that for awhile but I'm kind of fine with it now. I got more annoyed by the bald spot that was starting to show itself on the back of my head. Good thing I'm a giant dude so nobody can see it though :v:

I've always had crap hair in my life so I've gone with having no hair instead. Beats wasting money on shitty prescription shampoo.

Soon all my pain will be over... I don't want to live anymore [editline]23rd August 2017[/editline] I had an okay life but it's coming to an end. I realized now every decision I ever made doesn't matter anymore.