Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Crpto, seriously dude put yourself on a list. You can survive and recover. C'mon my man.

I know I need to go on but my family doesn't even know about my condition. I don't even think my health insurance will cover such an operation [editline]23rd August 2017[/editline] I'll probably have to switch to Obamacare since they cover it. Ever since this all started I thought a lot about my life and how I messed up. If I don't survive this my family will be broken. It's all these thoughts that keep me up at night. I really need to survive this just so my family won't be torn apart

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52602903]I know I need to go on but my family doesn't even know about my condition. I don't even think my health insurance will cover such an operation [editline]23rd August 2017[/editline] I'll probably have to switch to Obamacare since they cover it. Ever since this all started I thought a lot about my life and how I messed up. If I don't survive this my family will be broken. It's all these thoughts that keep me up at night. I really need to survive this just so my family won't be torn apart[/QUOTE] Agreed. You should probably let them know soon though so they can help you. It's scary but that's what family is for. You gotta put trust in them. And look man, I rarely come to this part of the board and there's a good chance we won't really speak with each other again after this- but in the here and now I want you to know that I care about you and care about your survival. We aren't friends and are merely two dudes on a message board but I want to see you on the active members tab in the future at the very least. It really is better to try then do nothing at all. Don't resign yourself to a fate you don't want just because of fear. Don't go down regretting not even having tried.

I'm having trouble communicating what I mean with someone. I want to take a certain step forward with my life, she agrees and thinks it's a good idea. The problem is, when I say things like "how do I do this?", she's like "yes, how do you work up the courage to do this?" when I meant it like "what is the procedure, what are the steps? I am fully willing but do not know how to do this". I've tried explaining it but I just don't have the verbal skills to get my point across. Does anyone have any advice? After tomorrow I won't see her again for a while.

Sounds like you gotta be blunt. Just say what exactly it is you want. If dancing around the bush isn't workin then just plow straight through it. Hell it kind of sounds like she's waiting for you to say whatever it is too

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52602903]I know I need to go on but my family doesn't even know about my condition. I don't even think my health insurance will cover such an operation [editline]23rd August 2017[/editline] I'll probably have to switch to Obamacare since they cover it. Ever since this all started I thought a lot about my life and how I messed up. If I don't survive this my family will be broken. It's all these thoughts that keep me up at night. I really need to survive this just so my family won't be torn apart[/QUOTE] If things are as serious as they are, you need to talk to people. I know how much of this is about you, but at the end of the day people you care about need to know and need to be able to help you.

I tried to tell one person but she never replied back. I thought about not telling anyone and just letting the liver disease run its course until I eventually died

Crpto, we're not doctors and we can't help with your situation. I really do suggest you tell your family, because there are things that can be done and there are arrangements that can be made, despite financial troubles. But posting in this thread can't help you anymore. You have to help yourself. Our procedure is to ban people so that they can seek help away from the forum. I don't want to do that to you because you've been a member for so long. So please consider your options. You can get through it. But you have to tell people who can help you.

[QUOTE=metallics;52601315]So I've posted something like this before to someone else with a receding hairline. My honest advice is don't sweat it, own it. Yeah yeah easy enough to say right? Here's me in the foreground aged 17 [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1935833_1056466867030_5008958_n.jpg?oh=f3d9713c43301ec6f417e8ce5ec7628e&oe=5A608EBF[/t] It's already pretty clear at this stage I was loosing my hair. I tried to hide it, but if you can't tell from the photo below (same year) that's a bloody terrible idea [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/4822_110068863707_638143_n.jpg?oh=0f7cf804c5b2f9e411323723fd77f264&oe=5A32843C[/t] Things started to go alot better once I started to grow a beard [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1915415_198227418123_7484163_n.jpg?oh=001a8038eac910cd200c0a385e903416&oe=5A37EDC3[/t] A hat occasionally solved the issue, but it was only ever temporary. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36880_445849425729_3044873_n.jpg?oh=f3a27bb9c9b772afabb21f71e5b62998&oe=5A33D9CF[/t] But it was only once I cut my remaining hair down dead short and deciding I didn't give a fuck when it started to look good and people ran out of jokes. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1461271_260657017421112_1009560604_n.jpg?oh=0a21382d6dfe30e617002ca1cae1c60a&oe=5A306F0E[/t] And now I own this shit. [t]https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/19944318_10155967326065730_8458587094332674645_o.jpg?oh=a1254e2e4a8ae62bdb56daa5871fa829&oe=5A3461EA[/t] So it might seem like the worst thing in the world - but what are you going to do? You can't change it, so embrace it, make it part of who you are and life becomes a whole lot more liveable.[/QUOTE]I really appreciate you sharing that, but I still feel like I've lost part of myself.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52603987]I really appreciate you sharing that, but I still feel like I've lost part of myself.[/QUOTE] I totally understand - sorry if my post came across as "you shouldn't feel this way", that's not the case, more of a case of it's not easy and I struggled with it myself, but it is something you can come to terms with in time.

I feel ashamed that I don't have more control over myself. I like to pride myself on being even-keeled, but I can't help but feel I've been moody, tired, temperamental and melancholy of late. Everything felt like a massive, frustrating ass pain to do. Hell, even trying to play a video game was an internal debate on whether the effort to start a simple program is worth it or if I should just continue lazily lounging around, browsing through YouTube or lurking here. I would love to pick drawing back up again and practice regularly, but I just felt I can never be bothered. Like, why pick up the tablet over to my left? I don't feel I'll even make anything worthwhile, improve or even bother to commit to future drawing sessions. Everything was just such a bother. I only really noticed this was how I truly felt after feeling the difference when trying a medicinal stimulant this morning. Now I feel great - cheery, energetic, things aren't as much of a pain in the ass to do any more (I mean, I still didn't feel like drawing, but I [I]almost[/I] did) Like, I hardly ever feel this good without having something like caffeine in me. It's frustrating that this isn't how I should normally feel. Even then, I still have the creeping tiredness working through me after lunch. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't stop unless I take something to bring me up. On top of it, I feel guilty about all of this. My sister has actual clinical depression, so what right do I have feeling listless and down when I don't have it and she's the one miserable most of the time? I feel like I'm just being lazy and not wanting to put effort into anything I do, like it's all too much work. Fucking hell, I barely bother to brush my teeth twice a day or put my goddamn Rogaine in so I can stop balding. I want to just get up and do things, but it's too much work. I can't even try to bite the bullet and power through because [I]that's[/I] too much fucking work. It's like, everyone else has these real, profound hardships in their life and I feel like I'm just a sack of shit too lazy to even try to do anything but fester where I sit. Sorry for being dramatic. I got a little carried away, but I mean everything I said. I just want to live my life better.

I actually miss being happy with myself. I curse to this day all the people that did nothing but try to bring me down and purposely lower my self-confidence to the point of me feeling absolutely numb. And that's not even the worst part. One person that I would always associate with happy memories and actually made me feel loved is now one of the many things in my life right now that makes me feel worthless and depressed.

I don't know if this is the right spot for this, but I lost one of my best friends today - one of my dogs. She was only 6. It all happened very quickly - a month ago she seemed fine. Over the course of two weeks she lost weight like crazy. We noticed she was having a hard time breathing, gasping for breath, so we took her to the vets. Fucking lymphoma. Watching her deteriorate over the past two weeks has been one of the most heart breaking experiences of my entire fucking life. She used to be plump, active, loved going outside and was the most loving dog ever. She and my other dog were inseparable. I'm scared about how this is going to end up affecting my other dog, too. When I got home today she very slowly made her way over to me at the door, wagging her tail with what little energy she had left. Knowing that I'll never be greeted at the door by her again.. :saddowns: Rest in peace. [url]http://i.imgur.com/I095l44.jpg[/url]

[QUOTE=Pascall;52603193]Crpto, we're not doctors and we can't help with your situation. I really do suggest you tell your family, because there are things that can be done and there are arrangements that can be made, despite financial troubles. But posting in this thread can't help you anymore. You have to help yourself. Our procedure is to ban people so that they can seek help away from the forum. I don't want to do that to you because you've been a member for so long. So please consider your options. You can get through it. But you have to tell people who can help you.[/QUOTE] I know you don't want me posting about this it's just I have nobody to turn to without them hating me for doing this to myself. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants help but another part of me wants to give up. I'm going to tell my family soon

Half-Life 2: Ep3's plot getting posted sent me down memory lane, and I've spent the last 10 minutes laying in bed crying about all the people I'll never see again, the people I just want to hug and say I love but know I'll never ever have the chance to again, the people whose existence I took for granted until they weren't able to exist any longer. I'd give anything to just be able to have one talk with my dad again, just to casually mention that after a decade, we finally got a conclusion to a series that I owe my love for entirely to him, just so we could maybe do a little reminiscing together so I wouldn't be entirely alone in my thoughts and would have someone who understands what I'm talking about. Instead all I have is memories and objects to remember him by, and best case scenario I won't be able to see him again until I'm maybe four times the age I am now, assuming I don't live until I'm like a hundred or anything. My dog is sleeping here next to me, my mom and brother are just down the hall, I'm getting pizza with my girlfriend and playing Minecraft with a friend tomorrow, and yet I just feel so fucking alone, like I'm only just realizing that life will never be as simple and full as it was 10 years ago and my family that I've known all my life can only keep disappearing. I just wanted to go the fuck to sleep but I guess it's that time of the year again when I just get randomly hit with a crushing sense of loss at 1 in the morning. I've settled down a lot in the time it took me to type all this out and I just took two melatonin so maybe I'll be able to actually put an end to the night when I put my phone away, but I really needed to put my thoughts into some organized format that wasn't just me telling myself how shit everything is

I just discovered that the root of my anxiety is university. Everything else is fine, perfectly fine. I fear of fail the exams I got in september because they are really hard and also fucking impossible to put inside my midn all that data, but I don't know how to make that fear go because no matter what I think, it tends to come again. Yesterday had an anxiety attack and almost cried.

I just started college and already I am depressed. I am wanting to get a math major and, although I probably shouldn't have, I googled if a math major is worth it. I don't think it is, and now I believe that im going down a worthless path and I am feeling majorly suicidal because I won't get anywhere with it nor will I be able to actually do it.

You certainly aren't welded into the math major locker or anything. Plenty of people go through with an undeclared major for a year or two (three in my case) and simply take classes they're interested in until they find something they like. Even still, I know a guy that graduated with a history/acting degree and the fact it was a four year alone was enough for him to get an IT job. What about a math major attracted you so much? There're a lot of fields that involve math that also have a lot of desirability from a hiring perspective.

I have been having such a difficult time the past couple weeks. I quit my job in hopes of having better opportunities, only to be faced with more stress. I'm about to lose my house because of shitty landlord. And now my girlfriend left me this morning because she felt things were not right, that she wasn't happy with how she was towards me, saying I deserve so much, and she cannot offer it to me. I'm so confused, and honestly not in the best state of mind. Not sure what to do.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52610450]I know you don't want me posting about this it's just I have nobody to turn to without them hating me for doing this to myself. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants help but another part of me wants to give up. I'm going to tell my family soon[/QUOTE] please dude, talk to someone. That anger they might have? That's a bullet you're going to have to bite, you're willing to deal with things worse than that, so you definitely have the strength to deal with them. Please talk to your family, you just gotta do something. I know venting into an open space can help but it's really time you talk to them for real about this. I don't mean to be rude or anything with any of this I do have some genuine concerns for you.

You guys are right I do have to tell someone. I thought about what sift said and I don't want to die without even trying to get help first

Seeing someone breaking down, in front of your mobile screen, being unable to do absolutely nothing to a person that you like, fucking sucks.

[QUOTE=BazzBerry;52610139]I don't know if this is the right spot for this, but I lost one of my best friends today - one of my dogs. She was only 6. It all happened very quickly - a month ago she seemed fine. Over the course of two weeks she lost weight like crazy. We noticed she was having a hard time breathing, gasping for breath, so we took her to the vets. Fucking lymphoma. Watching her deteriorate over the past two weeks has been one of the most heart breaking experiences of my entire fucking life. She used to be plump, active, loved going outside and was the most loving dog ever. She and my other dog were inseparable. I'm scared about how this is going to end up affecting my other dog, too. When I got home today she very slowly made her way over to me at the door, wagging her tail with what little energy she had left. Knowing that I'll never be greeted at the door by her again.. :saddowns: Rest in peace. [url]http://i.imgur.com/I095l44.jpg[/url][/QUOTE] Lymphoma is awful. It reminds me of our family border collie, Skyler. She suffered the same fate years ago when she was 10 years old. She had to be euthanized because of her deteriorating condition. I still remember her lanky legs, adorable sharp barking, and shy personality.

[QUOTE=BazzBerry;52610139]I don't know if this is the right spot for this, but I lost one of my best friends today - one of my dogs. She was only 6. It all happened very quickly - a month ago she seemed fine. Over the course of two weeks she lost weight like crazy. We noticed she was having a hard time breathing, gasping for breath, so we took her to the vets. Fucking lymphoma. Watching her deteriorate over the past two weeks has been one of the most heart breaking experiences of my entire fucking life. She used to be plump, active, loved going outside and was the most loving dog ever. She and my other dog were inseparable. I'm scared about how this is going to end up affecting my other dog, too. When I got home today she very slowly made her way over to me at the door, wagging her tail with what little energy she had left. Knowing that I'll never be greeted at the door by her again.. :saddowns: Rest in peace. [url]http://i.imgur.com/I095l44.jpg[/url][/QUOTE] Had this happen to my tabby cat cooper a handful of months ago and it really fucked me up. Dude was this round lil apple boy but by the end he basically had exposed ribs. Vets kept refusing to put him down because "it might just be a phase" and they couldn't determine what was actually wrong with him. By the time the vets finally gave up he was basically a skeleton with some skin stretched over him. He still wanted to cuddle and sleep with his humans but it was kind of clear he couldn't go on like he was. Prayer goes out for your dog, it's never easy. [editline]26th August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Crpto2007;52614167]You guys are right I do have to tell someone. I thought about what sift said and I don't want to die without even trying to get help first[/QUOTE] I'm proud of you dude.

[QUOTE=Vodkavia;52614707]A whole laundry list of things. 1. Getting burned by a less than reputable college. 2. Calling awful people friends and inflicting horrible damage to others because I got swept up in gossip and bullshitting. 3. Having been such a horrible drain on my past bf that I inadvertently caused him to get kicked out of college, and lose his job, doing so much damage to him personally that he's lost all hope for his personal ambitions/dreams. 4. Taking out my frustrations and problems on my loved ones. 5. Getting scammed by a friend for thousands of dollars 6. Losing precious friendships because I treated people horribly. 7. Feeling trapped, isolated and hopeless because I burnt all the bridges and threw away all the opportunities I had due to all the shit that happened and my own personal failings. 8. Having to leave the ROTC program and a good university in shame because of no. 5 9. Having my first attempt at moving out and living on my own destroyed because of no. 5. I have only two friends, all the others either backstabbed me, I let them down or just dissipated out of nowhere. I have a full time minimum wage job full of hostile coworkers, thousands in debt and no path to out of this shit storm of a life. I've tried my hardest to try and rekindle old friendships and make new ones, but every single time I manage to fuck it up horrifically and no matter how hard I try nothing fixes anything. I feel like a fucking corpse without human contact and connection, but I'm wholly incapable of dealing with it because I'm so apprehensive about other people that I always push them away. My job feels pointless, my future non existent and the social life in tatters. I'm just so isolated and alone, hopeless that I'm just in constant 24/7 distress all of the time. I used to have a dozen or so friends, a healthy relationship and a career path I was dead set on, now I'm so fucked that I don't even play video games or watch tv anymore. Hardly anything I used to enjoy gratifies me anymore. All I do is just sit on my computer and think about how fucked everything is between my shifts where I do the same thing while dealing with people who are trying to get me fired to take my hours. I try my best to hide this from my friends and act perky 24/7 because I know deep in my heart that they'll all abandon me if they knew the full extent of everything, just like everyone else did. At the same time, I feel like it would be wrong if I didn't live horrible distress 24/7, the shit I did wrong to people I will never have the means to ever come close to repaying. I don't want to, but in a way I feel absolutely obligated to.[/QUOTE] Alright, gonna say a lot of possibly dumb stuff to this and hope to high hell I don't step on any toes but maybe it can help a little bit if you see a outsiders take on things. I feel for you man, I honestly do. Getting older and drifting away from friends, seeing people you trust turn sour- all of what you said resonates with me because it's how I feel when I've sunk into a serious depression and added with the weight of being unemployed I know how that can make you just hate yourself and feel like you don't deserve to be happy- but at the same time you've kind of given away at least one of the reasons for that feeling with your post and I'm sure you know it. [quote]At the same time, I feel like it would be wrong if I didn't live horrible distress 24/7, the shit I did wrong to people I will never have the means to ever come close to repaying. I don't want to, but in a way I feel absolutely obligated to.[/quote] Dude it is so, so easy to sink into this mentality. I've been there a million times myself and hell I drift there time to time on my low days but it simply isn't true. I can say 100% that this is where a change would need to start because it's impossible to move forward when you think you don't deserve to. If you genuinely feel you don't deserve to form new bridges or connections with people and you have this mentality then it really is going to be impossible. Like, there's no science to it but if I'm dispirited or out of it I've been told it's painfully obvious even when I'm trying to act upbeat. It's just a self defeating mentality which I feel is kind of obvious but hey- again, maybe someone just typing it out will help. On the topic of friends I'm going to fall back on the point of trust and reflection. Do the people your apologizing to say they forgive you? If they do then the best thing you can possibly do is just... drop it. Try not to be a ass or whatever it was you think you did wrong again. You've learned your lesson and move on. It's alright to be on edge a little but you really gotta just push it out of your mind at that point as it's just you moving forward. Do they tell you no, they don't forgive you and don't want your apology? Then (this is hard I know) the best thing in that case is to probably just respect them and once again drop it. If they want to rekindle that connection then leave the door open but don't bother them anymore as it'll just push them further away or in a worse case they'll just exploit you in a attempt to get gifts if you really are handing out presents to people on a consistent basis. The topic of 5 is one a lot of people I know seem to get hit with and gosh I have no idea how. The end point though is that it's a action someone else committed, not you. You can feel stupid for letting a person get away with it but honestly there's nothing to gain from clinging to that frustration. Just learn from it and once again move on. Tighten your purse strings and try to be more reserved I suppose. Assuming it wasn't just a straight up theft and you were expecting to get the money back maybe get a signed contract in the future. Be kind but protect yourself at the same time. Man there's a lot to say honestly and I'm trying to put it all into words but really, truly a lot of this comes down to you yourself. I said it at the start of my wall of text but everything just kind of hinges on you and what you want for yourself. Like the gossip thing is bad, but you acknowledged it as a problem so the only question is do you still partake in it? If so then why if you know it's a problem? If you're willing to change and move forward then you need to just let it fall to the wayside and push forward because [i]you're different[/i] from the you in the past. You're a [i]better person[/i] already for cutting that out. It's a genuine personal [i]improvement.[/i] Do what you need to give yourself closure but moving on is going to be the biggest highlight. Call up your past boyfriend and say you're sorry- and try to encourage him if you can. Drop the frustration with being used and learn from it and start forgiving yourself in general. It'll become easier and easier as closure on more subjects happen and once your at peace with yourself THEN you can start making connections again- start working for something brighter. I wish I knew how to close this response better but I do wish you the best of luck and I hope I didn't make too much of a idiot of myself with all of that (even if you disagree with what I've said). It'll take time of course but like I've said in this thread you can recover. Don't write yourself off because of the past.

I can't stop thinking that everyone is against me or that everyone is secretly mad at me for something I did. My psychologist tries to help me in different ways by reminding me that it's all in my head and try to think positively but I don't feel that I'm getting anywhere, the thoughts still happen all time and the aftermath just makes me feel worse every single time. Sometimes I wish I could just fucking die and not have to deal with my thoughts anymore. What should I do? Should I see a pyschiatrist? Is there a way to end these thoughts? How can I cope with the fact that some of these thoughts might actually be real and that some might just be fabrications of my head? It's a very touchy subject for me because there is always the possibility that people might actually be against me and not having these thoughts will just make me more vulnerable. I also have a difficult time coming in terms with the fact that people might just not like me, so I being to blame and torture myself over it. I can't believe people don't like me because they're people, I always think it's my fault people go away.

I'm going to university full time in one week, and I'm struggling with fixing my sleep schedule. I woke up at 7pm yesterday and decided to take a melatonin and go back to bed and attempt to sleep til 7am. Problem is melatonin doesn't work that way and now awake today at 2am struggling to sleep.

[QUOTE=Shenesis;52621757]Feels like I'm going insane. I want to participate in discussions and interact with other people but I keep hitting myself because I can't think of anything to talk about or of something relevant to say. I want to play games with other people but I have a strong feeling I'm being avoided or exploited for personal gain. I can't hold long discussions and my answers are often limited to extremely short answers so it's probably no surprise that people think that I'm a dull person. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop where I just keep compulsively checking the forums for stuff to read like an addict and when there's nothing new, I just stare at my screen like a drooling idiot. Writing this one single post took a lot of thinking, erasing, re-writing and apprehension of whether I'd look stupid or not. Its incoherentness should be enough proof that I am probably going insane.[/QUOTE] If it helps, I feel extremely similar. There's quite a few threads on here that I'd love to join in and hang out, but I just feel like everyone knows each other and that I would be a weirdo and awkward so I never try...Threads like these or news threads are much easier for me because it's more like you drop in and say what you want and it doesn't really matter what the outcome is. Threads where people hang out and talk about a certain topic over a long period are much more scary for me...I also rewrite my posts out of fear of looking dumb or wrong many times, in fact I've rewritten this one quite a few times already... It's actually very common of me to write a post over and over, and then in the end not submit a reply because I can't make it sound right, and I feel like an idiot. I feel like people don't want to talk to me because I'm boring, or sometimes that I'm talking way too much and annoying them so I feel more afraid to keep on talking. Social anxiety is one of my main problems, so I get how you're feeling so much. Kinda long post but, I just wanted to say you aren't alone in this feeling and I understand how it is. :frown:

-sNip-

I think about this girl I met from my program a lot. We stopped talking awhile ago but it was me who ended it. I feel so bad about it all the time. The thing is I lost interest in her and I don't know i didn't feel the same anymore. I think about messaging her but then again I don't want her to know about my health problems. She probably thinks I don't like her anymore. I think about messaging her because I don't want to be alone in this. I never see her we go different days at our program. I really messed it up we talked all the time.