Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=thepain;52689242]i'll care <3[/QUOTE] You don't know who I am You literally wouldn't even find out probably

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52687325]nobody would care if I died or just disappeared[/QUOTE]If you don't mind me asking, what specifically has made you feel that way?

I mean nobody would care who isn't biologically programmed to, ie my genetic relatives nobody is going to care about me based on my merits because I have none

Hmm, so you're concerned that you don't stand out in your family because you haven't achieved anything?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52689388]Hmm, so you're concerned that you don't stand out in your family because you haven't achieved anything?[/QUOTE] I mainly just don't have any friends at all [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] and no purpose, no accomplishments, nothing no value

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52689394]I mainly just don't have any friends at all [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] and no purpose, no accomplishments, nothing no value[/QUOTE]I have had those thoughts, it's just a mental lie, your own brain is lying to you. If a privileged asshole like Donald Trump can say what he does and have all the power, do you think people like us shouldn't exist? No! If we had no value, he'd have negative 5 billion. And there are other people who rape and kill, we don't do any of that, we don't cause harm to people, so we'd have more right to exist than they do. You should focus on something that's in back of your mind right now, that you want to do. You don't have to think about what you're worth, how many friends you have, you just have to please yourself (within reason). You can do whatever and relax.

I just want to sleep but I can't

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52689394]I mainly just don't have any friends at all [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] and no purpose, no accomplishments, nothing no value[/QUOTE] I'll be your friend

[QUOTE=PelPix123;52690189]is this thread only for "negative-symptom" disorders like depression and typical anxiety or can people with positive symptoms like mania and psychosis post here too? Seeing mostly depression and stuff here, so others seem crowded out. Should we have another thread for positive symptoms?[/QUOTE] I think "similar disorders" pretty much includes all the other symptoms concerning mental illness, I don't see the need for another thread, but that might just be me.

This thread is for any mental illness issues in general. Feel free to use it that way. [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] On that note though, I do want to say that anyone who finds it prudent to post here regularly with the same sorts of posts should be aware that posting here in repetition will probably not help you. If you're looking for a place to vent, I would recommend a blog, a discord chat with a friend, or something of that nature. I do believe that the purpose of this thread should be to offer help to others and provide encouragement for those who are going through things and dealing with mental illness, but I really don't enjoy seeing a handful of users using it as a springboard for their continued degradation of themselves. I might re-do the OP at some point to reflect this. But just know, there are other avenues to turn to if you're looking for just somewhere to spill feelings and not seeking any sort of counsel for it.

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;52686586]It's [I]never[/I] too late to switch careers.[/QUOTE] even if I am talking about a complete field switch?

[QUOTE=thepain;52690293]even if I am talking about a complete field switch?[/QUOTE] Yep. Pretty much the only time it will be too late for anything is when you're dead.

i want to die

[QUOTE=Pascall;52690219]This thread is for any mental illness issues in general. Feel free to use it that way. [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] On that note though, I do want to say that anyone who finds it prudent to post here regularly with the same sorts of posts should be aware that posting here in repetition will probably not help you. If you're looking for a place to vent, I would recommend a blog, a discord chat with a friend, or something of that nature. I do believe that the purpose of this thread should be to offer help to others and provide encouragement for those who are going through things and dealing with mental illness, but I really don't enjoy seeing a handful of users using it as a springboard for their continued degradation of themselves. I might re-do the OP at some point to reflect this. But just know, there are other avenues to turn to if you're looking for just somewhere to spill feelings and not seeking any sort of counsel for it.[/QUOTE] hit the nail on the head. at risk of sounding insensitive, (not my intention) i do not get the people who post shit degrading and shaming themselves on their own flaws/talking about how they are gonna die soon. you aren't helping yourself or anyone by posting stuff like that. I see shit here like (example): "im gonna die soon anyway, its not like anyone really cares about me" Like how the fuck am i supposed to respond to that? what is the point of posting that? how are people suppose to give you advice if you can't even help yourself? no excuses, i do not have depression/anxiety and cannot say i have been through people's struggles and mental battles, but when i see shit like that all it says to me is a sneak-grab for sympathy from others don't get me wrong though, it is definitely okay to vent while in a place of rushing emotions and trapped mental obstacles, its a human thing and there is nothing wrong with it, but at least be constructive and ask for advice rather than just completely roasting/shaming yourself. There's way too many self degrading posts and not enough advice here

Woke up tonight at like 5 am and got a sleep paralysis again, woke up at 3pm after falling asleep again. I slept for like 13 hours yesterday and still felt tired and exhausted, I now wake up several times each night and it's driving me crazy.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52689394]I mainly just don't have any friends at all [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] and no purpose, no accomplishments, nothing no value[/QUOTE] Up until last October I had exactly one friend in real life that I regularly interacted with, now I've got a moderately large group of people I hang out with every Saturday. Granted I'm still nearly 27 and still attending school, only a very specific set of marketable skills that I have no interest in making a career out of, and have never dated anyone. But at the very least making a couple of friends one line is something I'm sure you can do, finding a discord or something relevant to your interests is a decent place to start. [editline]17th September 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=sourcegamer101;52691469]hit the nail on the head. at risk of sounding insensitive, (not my intention) i do not get the people who post shit degrading and shaming themselves on their own flaws/talking about how they are gonna die soon. you aren't helping yourself or anyone by posting stuff like that. I see shit here like (example): "im gonna die soon anyway, its not like anyone really cares about me" Like how the fuck am i supposed to respond to that? what is the point of posting that? how are people suppose to give you advice if you can't even help yourself? no excuses, i do not have depression/anxiety and cannot say i have been through people's struggles and mental battles, but when i see shit like that all it says to me is a sneak-grab for sympathy from others don't get me wrong though, it is definitely okay to vent while in a place of rushing emotions and trapped mental obstacles, its a human thing and there is nothing wrong with it, but at least be constructive and ask for advice rather than just completely roasting/shaming yourself. There's way too many self degrading posts and not enough advice here[/QUOTE] That's literally what severe depression is though. A massive pit of despair that people feel like they have no way out of. Granted there really isn't any one right answer you can give people aside from prodding them in the right direction or to seek professional help.

i hate myself and i want myself to die already because i affect no one

My life is starting to improve but I have the impression that no matter what state of mind I become, I'm always going to regret having lost so much time. Even if I were magically zapped into my ideal self tomorrow, I've already wasted so much of my life.

Woke up this morning to find my ex has been posting things on facebook to gain some.. Knee jerk reaction from me. Sadly she won that battle. So I posted something about her drug use and such, and how she was an addict. How she pitched a fit like a toddler when no one showed up to her party that she had blew 900$ on to get cocaine and shit. She doesnt grasp the reality that people have lives outside of drugs and partying. Literally a 24 year old grasping on to 18. She blocked me, and I finally feel free. Still having some issues in the depression department, but I feel things are looking up for me.

I probably really need therapy but I'm going to be a working full-time student and I don't think I'll have much time for that at all and I can't even really point out anything discretely wrong with me that causes all my problems so I don't know where I'd begin with one and if they pull any shit on me with the student insurance it could end up costing me a shit ton

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52692436]I probably really need therapy but I'm going to be a working full-time student and I don't think I'll have much time for that at all and I can't even really point out anything discretely wrong with me that causes all my problems so I don't know where I'd begin with one and if they pull any shit on me with the student insurance it could end up costing me a shit ton[/QUOTE]See a therapist, you should deal with things, otherwise they'll escalate out of control. Sometimes you need a therapist to see things about yourself you can't see.

So I've had some issues for a while going back I dunno for how long, I've found ways of coping with it but never really addressed the root issue and the effectiveness of my coping methods seems to periodically wane leaving me in a bit of a pickle. I have some self esteem issues which seem to cause/be the effect of depression and self sabotage. I have this thing where I see myself as broken to the point where I don't think I should have kids coz I think they've suffer from depression and I have this belief that my genes are predisposed to cancer (p much everyone on 1 side of family that I know of had it). This, along with not really enjoying past relationships, makes me not really want a relationship, I obviously wanna have sex with peeps but I really don't want the relationship side of things and I'm not prepared to trick people into thinking I'm relationship material. Also I have this belief that I make a fairly good first impression with people but that I'm unlikable once people know me, I believe this might be the cause/effect of me not being able to hold onto friends or get past the initial "guy I bumped into a few times" stage of knowing people. I've had this belief for years and years first time I remember it was 2007 but I think I had it well before that. I never really finish anyway and I'm not sure if thats the cause/effect of believing I am a failure and not really very good at anything, passable but not good. In school/college/early uni(2009) I was so smart and full of passions and dreams, now I feel like nothing, no aim, no passion, either no potential or wasted potential. Like a match which is burnt out and shrivelled. Furthermore I'm not mega satisfied with number of people I've had sex with (alternatively the length of dry spells I seem to experience), I'm not sure if this insecurity comes from low self esteem or leads to self esteem, I think I'm fairly good looking but then I look at other peeps and think there must be something seriously wrong with my personality to be so unable to get laid/generally get by with social stuff. I also have a terribly bad time maintaining relationships in general (friendships etc) I have blown so many good friendships from losing touch. Really great people who I just don't talk to or can't find stuff in common with anymore. On the topic of talking I've been told I'm a good talker but its not a balanced convo, I tend to discuss topics the other person is interested in, I don't really have much topics for myself to talk about which is the cause or effect of me thinking I'm not interesting, also the belief that I have no real passions of aspirations which might in turn be from depression. I feel like I have nothing to offer, which probably contributes to me not connecting with people or my belief about people not liking me once they know me, like they open up a present to find it totally empty or disappointing. On top of all this I get these real dark thoughts way often than I'm comfortable with and I don't really see the point in life, I feel like I'm only going on to fulfil obligations and not upset people. If I found out I only had a few weeks/months left to live from some disease I wouldn't do anything, I think I'd just try to kill myself in the most convenient way I possibly could, probably a cliff into the sea. In 2012-2013ish I was on anti depressants and I'm thinking of going back to the docs for treatments but I'm not sure what the point is, the problem feels like me and it feels like it will always be me. I can distract myself with relationships, helping people, working, games etc but then always comes back to me feeling empty. I have a holiday in november to go to the other side of the world and see hong kong and new zealand and my best mate who I've not seen in nearly a year and no matter what I do I cannot work up enthusiasm for that or anything else. I'm looking forward to it and stuff but not in any kind of energetic way, I just feel sorta numb. I've tried stoicism, some "happiness is a choice" lark and that sorta thing but when it gets dark it seems to stop working and stoicism seems to have this assumption that virtues are something to aim for, like there is some kind of meaning. I don't think there is a meaning to anything and I really struggle to see the point in anything. I tell people I'm Ok or that I'm just tired but I wanna vent a bit, I've vented to a few mates but never the full extent because I don't want them to worry and my dad has this thing where he doesn't believe in depression (despite him being very depressed himself, alcoholic and overly dependent on sleep pills). Makes it seem really bad but its not as bad as it sounds but stuff does feel a bit grim atm. Thanks if anyone read till the end. Hope you're all doing well and stuff. edit: furthermore I then feel guilty for feeling like this, my life isn't terrible, I have a nice job and I'm respected by work mates, I don't go hungry, I think I look ok, I have a comfy lifestyle and no massive money issues. Between that and me doing so wel at school+college+early uni I feel like, and often compare myself to (in my head), a cake with all the right ingredients which just doesn't work, something went wrong and now its just wrong and unfixable. I've been depressed/flawed for so long I'm not sure if stuff is fixable, I've heard of learned helplessness and the brain does form patterns, what if my behaviour is now hardwired, I don't wanna be stuck who I am for the rest of my life.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52693311]So I've had some issues for a while going back I dunno for how long, I've found ways of coping with it but never really addressed the root issue and the effectiveness of my coping methods seems to periodically wane leaving me in a bit of a pickle. I have some self esteem issues which seem to cause/be the effect of depression and self sabotage. I have this thing where I see myself as broken to the point where I don't think I should have kids coz I think they've suffer from depression and I have this belief that my genes are predisposed to cancer (p much everyone on 1 side of family that I know of had it). This, along with not really enjoying past relationships, makes me not really want a relationship, I obviously wanna have sex with peeps but I really don't want the relationship side of things and I'm not prepared to trick people into thinking I'm relationship material. Also I have this belief that I make a fairly good first impression with people but that I'm unlikable once people know me, I believe this might be the cause/effect of me not being able to hold onto friends or get past the initial "guy I bumped into a few times" stage of knowing people. I've had this belief for years and years first time I remember it was 2007 but I think I had it well before that. I never really finish anyway and I'm not sure if thats the cause/effect of believing I am a failure and not really very good at anything, passable but not good. In school/college/early uni(2009) I was so smart and full of passions and dreams, now I feel like nothing, no aim, no passion, either no potential or wasted potential. Like a match which is burnt out and shrivelled. Furthermore I'm not mega satisfied with number of people I've had sex with (alternatively the length of dry spells I seem to experience), I'm not sure if this insecurity comes from low self esteem or leads to self esteem, I think I'm fairly good looking but then I look at other peeps and think there must be something seriously wrong with my personality to be so unable to get laid/generally get by with social stuff. I also have a terribly bad time maintaining relationships in general (friendships etc) I have blown so many good friendships from losing touch. Really great people who I just don't talk to or can't find stuff in common with anymore. On the topic of talking I've been told I'm a good talker but its not a balanced convo, I tend to discuss topics the other person is interested in, I don't really have much topics for myself to talk about which is the cause or effect of me thinking I'm not interesting, also the belief that I have no real passions of aspirations which might in turn be from depression. I feel like I have nothing to offer, which probably contributes to me not connecting with people or my belief about people not liking me once they know me, like they open up a present to find it totally empty or disappointing. On top of all this I get these real dark thoughts way often than I'm comfortable with and I don't really see the point in life, I feel like I'm only going on to fulfil obligations and not upset people. If I found out I only had a few weeks/months left to live from some disease I wouldn't do anything, I think I'd just try to kill myself in the most convenient way I possibly could, probably a cliff into the sea. In 2012-2013ish I was on anti depressants and I'm thinking of going back to the docs for treatments but I'm not sure what the point is, the problem feels like me and it feels like it will always be me. I can distract myself with relationships, helping people, working, games etc but then always comes back to me feeling empty. I have a holiday in november to go to the other side of the world and see hong kong and new zealand and my best mate who I've not seen in nearly a year and no matter what I do I cannot work up enthusiasm for that or anything else. I'm looking forward to it and stuff but not in any kind of energetic way, I just feel sorta numb. I've tried stoicism, some "happiness is a choice" lark and that sorta thing but when it gets dark it seems to stop working and stoicism seems to have this assumption that virtues are something to aim for, like there is some kind of meaning. I don't think there is a meaning to anything and I really struggle to see the point in anything. I tell people I'm Ok or that I'm just tired but I wanna vent a bit, I've vented to a few mates but never the full extent because I don't want them to worry and my dad has this thing where he doesn't believe in depression (despite him being very depressed himself, alcoholic and overly dependent on sleep pills). Makes it seem really bad but its not as bad as it sounds but stuff does feel a bit grim atm. Thanks if anyone read till the end. Hope you're all doing well and stuff. edit: furthermore I then feel guilty for feeling like this, my life isn't terrible, I have a nice job and I'm respected by work mates, I don't go hungry, I think I look ok, I have a comfy lifestyle and no massive money issues. Between that and me doing so wel at school+college+early uni I feel like, and often compare myself to (in my head), a cake with all the right ingredients which just doesn't work, something went wrong and now its just wrong and unfixable. I've been depressed/flawed for so long I'm not sure if stuff is fixable, I've heard of learned helplessness and the brain does form patterns, what if my behaviour is now hardwired, I don't wanna be stuck who I am for the rest of my life.[/QUOTE] Well you made me feel less alone.. I feel like the majority of what you said kind of fits my life. Although I DO actually have a relationship that I feel like I am slowly ruining, since I am not the confident person she met at the beginning. I feel like she's still in love with the person she first met..

I feel like I constantly have to be assured by what friends I have that they're my friends or else I feel like they're out to get me. I dunno why but ever since I got my power back from the hurricane I've just been feeling more anxious and paranoid that more of my friends are just gonna up and leave. It's dumb but w/e

seems like i can only break shit when i'm at work. I feel ridiculous. I am so fucking bad at everything holy shit

[QUOTE=gnampf;52694896]I feel like I constantly have to be assured by what friends I have that they're my friends or else I feel like they're out to get me. I dunno why but ever since I got my power back from the hurricane I've just been feeling more anxious and paranoid that more of my friends are just gonna up and leave. It's dumb but w/e[/QUOTE] I feel this way too, and it's driven friends away from me before

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52695898]I feel this way too, and it's driven friends away from me before[/QUOTE] Same, I've been getting that feeling alot lately in addition to feeling like people only tolerate me but I know it's not like that. Mind if I vent? How do you stop coming off as depressing? I mean I try not to get all woest me but most of the time I seem to sound gloomy to most of my friends, and it bothers me. Anytime ive tried to open up and try to be more out going the worse i seem to get. Even now with me moving out of my folks house and starting a new job out near chicago, i mean it pays good but is boring. Now that i actually have alot to go do and explore im not even motivated to, plus it doesnt help i work in the evening. Another things that bothers me is in a group setting i can never find a way to add in on the conversation but one on one I can go to town. I want to be more out going but its hard changing 24 years of this stuff. I never have anything to add to a conversation so i just stand there awkwardly. What are some small changes you guys have found to help approch being more out going? Ive started getting back to the gym since it helped the first time. There's some other stuff on my mind but I don't feel like typing it out on my phone for now.

[QUOTE=Branflakes;52696017]Same, I've been getting that feeling alot lately in addition to feeling like people only tolerate me but I know it's not like that. Mind if I vent? How do you stop coming off as depressing? I mean I try not to get all woest me but most of the time I seem to sound gloomy to most of my friends, and it bothers me. Anytime ive tried to open up and try to be more out going the worse i seem to get. Even now with me moving out of my folks house and starting a new job out near chicago, i mean it pays good but is boring. Now that i actually have alot to go do and explore im not even motivated to, plus it doesnt help i work in the evening. Another things that bothers me is in a group setting i can never find a way to add in on the conversation but one on one I can go to town. I want to be more out going but its hard changing 24 years of this stuff. I never have anything to add to a conversation so i just stand there awkwardly. What are some small changes you guys have found to help approch being more out going? Ive started getting back to the gym since it helped the first time. There's some other stuff on my mind but I don't feel like typing it out on my phone for now.[/QUOTE] I'm a crapshoot in social situations, sometimes I do just fine and everything comes naturally and I'm decently likable. A good chunk of the other times, I dissociate hard, don't feel like I'm physically interacting with objects, and can't really process emotion. You don't really have to add anything to a conversation to be a part of it, to be honest. Laugh at jokes, let your body language do what it wants to do, and just have a good time if you can manage it. Your mileage may vary.

So I found out that I have an ACE score of either 6 or 7.

So, I've been pretty much a wreck these days. Constantly having extreme mood swings and violent outburst coupled with depression and total euphoria. Been talking to my therapist did some good. But I started doing martial arts and it really fucking helps, I heavily recommend it to anyone who has extreme reserves of energy or aggression. It's been so nice and the social interactions with the club members is also nice. Finally a light at the end of the tunnel.