Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=The golden;52691455]Here are some generic sleep tips for yourself or anyone who might be able to make use of them: Try to find a ritual that you can do before bedtime. Something that you can do to help you wind down and relax or get your head in a peaceful place. Personally I put on some ASMR videos or sounds from MyNoise and put my legs up on my desk and lean my head back. I have to brush my teeth before doing this because I'll be so sleepy after that I won't be able to afterwards. This varies from person to person but finding an effective pre-sleep routine is just so powerful in helping you sleep. Secondly would be to keep your sleep schedule tight. Use alarms and eat when you wake up to help get your body into your desired pace. You'll feel tired at the right times and feel awake when you want to. I find it much more effective to wake up early than to go to bed early if you need to move your sleep schedule. It'll make you super-tired for the following night and then you can start to move things around.[/QUOTE] This I LOOOVE audio stories when I go to bed I just get in the person shoes and drift away ( I pretend I am somewhere eels ) [editline]19th September 2017[/editline] dumb question is it pointless to join a dating app if not doing much in the line of work ( I don't sit on my ass all day I do volunteer and other stuff,. )

Ill never be loved or happy why am i going on

[QUOTE=Mud;52699629]Ill never be loved or happy why am i going on[/QUOTE] the goal is to get there

how do i make friends and be liked no one likes me i think my personality is terrible

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52699711]the goal is to get there[/QUOTE] I'll never get there

All I want is someone to talk to about my problems.

How do you deal with low self esteem? "I probably can't do that so I won't try". has lead me to 5 years of working the same job with no prospects. I don't even have a lot of money to show for it. There are glimpses of "yeah I can totally do that! I'll do this this this and this and everything will turn out fine!" but then it goes away. It doesn't help that what I want to do changes every few months and all the "plans" I made for it vanish. First it was a trade like electrician, but that's not really for me. Then IT, which I do love, but I need at least 2years of school to get anyone to give me a chance. Then I have been thinking about it more and if I do 2 years why not 2 @ community college then another 2 at a real college? My sister who is a year younger than me has already graduated at a 4 year school. I posted something like this a few days ago but snipped it and made it more compact and to the point.

[QUOTE=patq911;52701364]How do you deal with low self esteem? "I probably can't do that so I won't try". has lead me to 5 years of working the same job with no prospects. I don't even have a lot of money to show for it. There are glimpses of "yeah I can totally do that! I'll do this this this and this and everything will turn out fine!" but then it goes away. It doesn't help that what I want to do changes every few months and all the "plans" I made for it vanish. First it was a trade like electrician, but that's not really for me. Then IT, which I do love, but I need at least 2years of school to get anyone to give me a chance. Then I have been thinking about it more and if I do 2 years why not 2 @ community college then another 2 at a real college? My sister who is a year younger than me has already graduated at a 4 year school. I posted something like this a few days ago but snipped it and made it more compact and to the point.[/QUOTE] Same here. I've heard that not comparing yourself to others helps, as should remembering that the issues you face are yours alone, every dog has their day and it might just not be your day right now (ie you might just be going through a rough patch with life). Easier said than done though mang For your plans thing, do you change your mind because the goal is too ambitious and unreachable? or is it because you change your mind and lose interest? I get a mixture of both. The wildy ambitious stuff divide and conquor, for the lose interest stuff work out why, I occasionally find that telling a buncha people about a project gives you such a big boost of esteem and validation that it actually hinders you doing anything, you don't need to do the thing because you've prematurely reaped the reward - bad pattern to fall into. Don't worry about not knowing your path, I'm assuming you're in your early-mid 20s, you have loads of time, nobody knows their thing at that age and to remind you, don't compare yourself to your sister. I assume you want guidance with your decision, I hesitate to give advice since I got lucky (I took unpaid work as a web dev and ended up employed eventually), but you can be pragmatic (where will best find you a job? where will best get you a well paid job? where will be a job you can actually stand?) Good luck

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52701445]Same here. I've heard that not comparing yourself to others helps, as should remembering that the issues you face are yours alone, every dog has their day and it might just not be your day right now (ie you might just be going through a rough patch with life). Easier said than done though mang For your plans thing, do you change your mind because the goal is too ambitious and unreachable? or is it because you change your mind and lose interest? I get a mixture of both. The wildy ambitious stuff divide and conquor, for the lose interest stuff work out why, I occasionally find that telling a buncha people about a project gives you such a big boost of esteem and validation that it actually hinders you doing anything, you don't need to do the thing because you've prematurely reaped the reward - bad pattern to fall into. Don't worry about not knowing your path, I'm assuming you're in your early-mid 20s, you have loads of time, nobody knows their thing at that age and to remind you, don't compare yourself to your sister. I assume you want guidance with your decision, I hesitate to give advice since I got lucky (I took unpaid work as a web dev and ended up employed eventually), but you can be pragmatic (where will best find you a job? where will best get you a well paid job? where will be a job you can actually stand?) Good luck[/QUOTE] I dont really compare myself to others a lot. I know you shouldnt, I just like to be mindful. I just turned 23. I just lose interest. Usually when I find a topic or segment that I don't understand or that I get confused by I get overwhelmed and eventually disinterested. Even though I know presumably eventually with the right education or training I could get to that point where I wouldn't be so confused. Another thing is that I don't want to be locked in to a subject, I simply don't know how much I want to do something. Will I get bore with it? Will I hate it in the future? How high should I actually aim? That all assumes I can get passed my biggest problem which is simply being able to express what I want with my family, especially my mom. I'm lucky I have a family that would probably be OK with anything, but I still feel very nervous and chicken out at the last minute. I just don't know how to start the conversation or how to express what I want. Anyway thanks for the post. I read like 30 pages of this thread and got always have helpful posts. [editline]20th September 2017[/editline] Also I know of the pattern you speak of, I rarely tell anyone my plans which makes it look like I'm not doing anything. But I think I went too far the opposite way, and now I have trouble telling people anything.

Looking back at 20 years of my life, I can't help but wonder, was I Hitler in my past life? Things weren't good even during childhood. Something was wrong about me that made other kids exclude me from games and activities, while kindergarten teachers would routinely treat me harshly over mundane things, like just not sleeping during the day (I simply laid in bed with my eyes open). I was rather sickly and frail and when I was 5 I earned my first chronic disease that'd leave me one-ear deaf. I left pre-school with 0 friends. My father left my family shortly after. He had two other families on the side, and I think he figured I was a lost cause because of one incident where I almost drowned. School wasn't too good either. I was a smart kid, so I passed exams into an elite school of my town, full of other smart kids or kids of people with influence. There was a boy I liked as a friend, we shared interests and he'd talk to me, but it still felt like a cold relationship. Eventually, another boy became friends with him and he was apparently jealous. One day while I was having a walk with the two of them, the jealous one assaulted me savagely, spit in my face and left me bloodied in the snow. The boy I thought was my friend did nothing and they both simply walked away. My mother refused to help me with this, and I had no way to take revenge, so I just took it. Must've been the start of my depression, as I once again became an outcast in the group. It was non-stop bullying from then, and I cant even place why. No matter how much I fought with the boys, they never left me alone and soon enough even girls joined in. I made a mistake of retaliating against one such girl by spilling a cup of water on her during another one of her abusive tirades. I was made out to be a trouble maker and kicked out of the school. I found a different school, but things werent different. The town was small enough and some kids from my new class knew kids from my old one, so the bullying resumed in force. The kids from my new class were of less fortunate background compared to previous one, so they were more tough, I was outmatched. I began to avoid school, stopped doing homework and my mother finally took notice... and reasoned that I was the problem. I was taken to psychiatrist that slapped some sham diagnosis on me: "Organic Personality Disorder", prescribed me pills and that was that. No surprise that it didn't solve any of my issues. I quickly found refuge from the real world in video games and roleplaying and met some people who truly appreciated me as a friend and I went out of my way to always have their back in whatever situation they found themselves in. The kindest words in my life were by them, written in text in steam messages. Video games also gave me keen interest in military and firearms, I started reading a lot on that topic, I roleplayed as a soldier in various communities, as a police officer, I protected the law and the people from criminals and trouble-makers, always friendly and cheery. I liked it, so I decide that this will be my calling in life, my future profession. It wasn't meant to be. Just as I entered puberty and started growing rapidly, things went wrong. Kyphoscoliosis. It progressed so fast that by 14 I was a quasimodo, unable to get out of bed without pain and suffocation as the spine happily pushed against the back of my lungs. I managed to be transfered to home schooling and spent the next 4 years writing and studying exclusively in bed. So while normal boys were pursuing the calling of puberty, hormones and such stuff by hitting it off with girls, all I had was internet. Alone for a very long time, I began consuming porn of various types, very soon discovering that I was bisexual and acquiring a boatload of fetishes that I shouldnt mention. My social isolation got to the point where I spoke english much better than my native language, and I still stutter and mumble IRL, unable to communicate casually. 18 years old, finally done with home school, I took a long hard look at myself. Disabled, deaf, maladjusted, I knew that my dream was not meant to be. I did try to get in, of course, as I had nothing else. I was denied, and not only because of physical defects. The mental health record would disqualify me from military and police even if I was able bodied. Luckily enough, I received spinal fusion and a metal brace was implanted inside of me. Pain ceased gently, I looked rather handsome, but I still was banned from any sort of heavy lifting. The brace will stay with me for life. I started exploring other opportunities for my life, choosing profession of a paramedic for it's qualities of helping people and the adrenaline rush. I didn't care that it'd break me or even kill me. There was no fitness test, so all I had to do was pretend I was fit until I couldn't. I tried to supplement this with a firearms license, to fulfill my long term dreams, in hopes of competing in shooting sports like IPSC. Again the mental record that was forced on me in attempt to fix me served as an obstacle. I was denied and I even learned that I am disqualified from driving a car. I think that's when I finally went numb under constant pressure of abuse and failures. My mother of course was not supportive. I still enrolled into college on tuition, and things are relatively fine... well... I still don't have friends, but at least nobody abuses me as I am useful due to my smarts. Issue is, recently the desire for romantic relationship finally caught up to me. Another hard look at myself and I realized I was acting completely shell-shocked. I'd doze off to be in my own little safe space, or be unable to keep the conversation up. My face adopted permanent expression of indifference, and people were indifferent to me. Even when I saved a few of my group mates from expulsion, it didnt go beyond a dry 'thanks', followed by 'help me with this' a few months down the road. Since I was bisexual, I thought that I had double the options. I was wrong. In a homophobic society, there's not much demand for a twinky guy that still looks like he's 16 (at least overt, Im not good with noticing attraction), and for someone with the personality just like mine it was impossible to woo a woman. And I'd most likely be killed if I made the first move on another male. I of course didn't stop consuming porn, my only outlet for these feelings, but eventually it stopped working as well. Another look at myself, or rather into myself, and I realized that I hated women and was deathly afraid of men, which keyed into the fetishes I acquired just right. I briefly explored getting therapy, but soon realized that quite a few students were excluded from the college because they sought psychiatric help. Medics are not supposed to be insane in this country. If it were to happen to me, I'd lose my tuition and thus my last chance at success. At this point I was deep enough into shit to begin imagining therapy sessions to try and self-treat myself in hopes of finally breaking out of the vicious circle of failures and mental damage. It made things even worse. Due to desperation, I developed a fetish of being murdered by a lover. Between self-esteem issues, lifetime of failure and unusual perception of men, this homo-erotic fantasy interposes itself into my dreams of romance on an exceptionally bad day, and I find myself being fine with it, even desiring it. So when I am not bawling into my pillow, I am seriously considering two outcomes to my life. Either I kill myself or go out looking for trouble until I can commit suicide by criminal. My internet fiance recently ditched me despite my best efforts to maintain such relationship and hooked up with another person from same circle of acquintances, more cute and cheery guy. As such these ideas have been on my mind non-stop since the start of september, and none of my e-'friends' know how to help me or even show desire to just talk to me these days as I become more depressive and self-centered and grotesque. I don't know what to do, I just wanted a happy simple life, just like everybody else. Where did things go so wrong? What did I do? Who did I wrong to deserve this? How can I even get out of this mess? I see only one way out of this suffering. My friend persuaded me to post this, so maybe if somebody here has any advice for me, I'd be eterally grateful.

Me and my mum have always gotten along, not only as mother and daughter but as friends, too. Out of the blue tonight we had a heart to heart conversation about pretty much everything. Relationships, family, those who have passed, love, life in general, how my mental health is getting along.... It was really nice. I'm still crying after reminiscing about my late nan and great-aunt earlier, but they are happy tears too at the same time.

I found out that my friend died in a car accident and i had a really bad panic attack I don’t like this I’ve never lost someone close to me and i have no idea what to do

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;52702441]Me and my mum have always gotten along, not only as mother and daughter but as friends, too. Out of the blue tonight we had a heart to heart conversation about pretty much everything. Relationships, family, those who have passed, love, life in general, how my mental health is getting along.... It was really nice. I'm still crying after reminiscing about my late nan and great-aunt earlier, but they are happy tears too at the same time.[/QUOTE] That was very nice. It is very difficult to have this kind of conversations. The last time my brother wanted to discuss something very serious, he first send a written normal letter to prepare my parents, then came normaly to their house to speak. Good for you having this special time with your mother. I hope to treasure it as long as you remembwr.

[QUOTE=The golden;52700769]If all you do is spend everyday telling yourself this then you're right. You will never get anywhere and nobody will love you. 100% confirmed. ... So instead you should try and re-approach it and your outlook so you don't give up before you've even started. You can never even hope of improving if you never want to. Ask yourself why you're constantly here and digging the hole you're in even deeper and deeper. Are you building a ladder to try and escape or are you just shoveling more dirt? Sorry if that seems a bit harsh but I think a bit of a reality check is called for here.[/QUOTE] Im sorry i just had a real low moment

FanFUCKINGtastic. My work got worse while I was gone. For some asinine reason they took our floor fan. I work over a 375°F fryer all night and 400F ovens too. I am drenched in sweat and have the very real urge to gut the fucker who thought it was a good idea it make me unbearably miserable for 10 fucking hours. I am literally considering quitting over this. I completely lose my ability to cope when incredibly uncomfortable, especially from heat.

Don't know if it's the season changing, this horrible gum/teeth ache or what but for the last few days I've felt different, sort of hollow and just down in general. I dread I'm entering another depressive phase. I hope I'm just having a few bad days though.

So I may end up homeless soon I don't want to go into complete detail here because it's a long and complicated story but, I managed to lose a job I was making $15/hr or so that enabled me to move into a larger apartment with my mother. Now that I've been unemployed for about 2 months or so now and she literally can't afford to pay for it any longer, either I'm going to be put out onto the street or I'll end up going back to Florida (currently living in California)

Hmmm, all of these past nights I've been getting real negative. I just think too much about crappy stuff and get jealous over stupid things and feel bad overall. Kinda awful and irritating. I want my jealousy to go away forever. :pudge: It's the worst thing I do to myself.

What do you guys think about making a video about depression? I would like to make people aware about this illness and I feel like a lot of people, especially in Germany are denying the fact, that they're depressed themselves or just ignore this illness altogether. My dad was making fun of me and some friends told me that I'm imagining things but I want to let other people know that they're not alone in this and that you can overcome this feeling of sadness. I'm trying to socialize a lot more lately and it feels so good. I still have this asshole in my head who wants to drag me down and makes me want to isolate myself again but I feel like I can fight it now.. I just want to help people that suffer from the same shit I've been going through and I want to actively help them. I think making a video about this, is a first good step and maybe I can even do more if it gets around.

Never trusting a friend again. They put all my cardboard boxes for moving in shed without telling me, and now all my stiff have molded. Signed poster, probably my tuxedo, clothes, shoes and mostly everything. I'm massive germophobe too, so throwing away big chuncks of my life have had me in a panic attack, and a meltdown... I hope I get over it soon, I got no tears left...

[QUOTE=Torjuz;52706844]Never trusting a friend again. They put all my cardboard boxes for moving in shed without telling me, and now all my stiff have molded. Signed poster, probably my tuxedo, clothes, shoes and mostly everything. I'm massive germophobe too, so throwing away big chuncks of my life have had me in a panic attack, and a meltdown... I hope I get over it soon, I got no tears left...[/QUOTE] the friend sounds inconsiderate but you're more than your belongings - try not to tie your happiness to physical possessions.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52706854]the friend sounds inconsiderate but you're more than your belongings - try not to tie your happiness to physical possessions.[/QUOTE] I know, it's just massive amounts of memories, and as a student I don't have enough money to buy new stuff. The signed poster especially got me down, it was by my favorite band. I had it on the wall for 3 weeks before I had to pack it Might try to see if it's possible to save it by lamenating it, but still, I'm still torn that she didn't care, when I used so many hours helping her, and she didn't tell me.

[QUOTE=Torjuz;52706932]I know, it's just massive amounts of memories, and as a student I don't have enough money to buy new stuff. The signed poster especially got me down, it was by my favorite band. I had it on the wall for 3 weeks before I had to pack it Might try to see if it's possible to save it by lamenating it, but still, I'm still torn that she didn't care, when I used so many hours helping her, and she didn't tell me.[/QUOTE] So a thing you could do is try to think of none intentional reasons she might have done it. It might not have been a lack of care for you, she might have not realised it would be mould central. To be... callous, never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence. Shitty things happen in life, its natural to be shocked for a time but its in your own interest to try and accept that its happened and cannot be done and that you just have to try and make do/move on. Avoid dwelling on stuff if possible

I'd like to think I've changed in a positive way over the years and that I'm a bit different to how I was in my Windows 8 ranting days, but I perhaps I've just gotten better at articulating my thoughts. I still struggle with anger management though. Is it possible that I've changed at all for the better?

[QUOTE=JackDestiny;52706767]What do you guys think about making a video about depression? I would like to make people aware about this illness and I feel like a lot of people, especially in Germany are denying the fact, that they're depressed themselves or just ignore this illness altogether. My dad was making fun of me and some friends told me that I'm imagining things but I want to let other people know that they're not alone in this and that you can overcome this feeling of sadness. I'm trying to socialize a lot more lately and it feels so good. I still have this asshole in my head who wants to drag me down and makes me want to isolate myself again but I feel like I can fight it now.. I just want to help people that suffer from the same shit I've been going through and I want to actively help them. I think making a video about this, is a first good step and maybe I can even do more if it gets around.[/QUOTE] Before getting into the project, you should ask yourself first; what do you have in mind for the video, and what do you hope to accomplish by making it? Is it going to be your story of dealing with depression, denouncing the myths and misunderstandings, a video raising general awareness of it, or some mix of the few/any other ideas you want to work with? You seem to have a bit of a vague answer to the second question of what you hope to accomplish, but you should be more specific if it's going to be a community effort, to raise awareness of it more locally, or if it's for everyone dealing with it worldwide to see. I personally think you should go through with it, if you feel like it is the best thing to do for what you have in mind. I also think that it might be just as good as an idea to start small by helping out people within your community first. Because if you can help a person, you can help a family, and if you can help a family you can help a neighborhood, neighborhood>community, and so-on and so-forth. If you can form some sort of group in your local community, making the video itself will become much more easier and give you a lot of more of a push when you all release the video. It might even have a more direct impact, a longer lasting effect, and inspire others to do the same within their own communities. Unfortunately I cannot offer much advice in raising up a community, I'm just throwing out an idea for you to consider alongside your main focus, since depression continues to be a discussion that not enough people are having, and there are so many places to start the discussion that some people overlook.

I miss her a lot but we haven't spoken in like 2 years. I know she's happy now but I'm not. i miss the memories we had. It's over and we won't speak again but I wanted to try before I die

[QUOTE=BrandoJack;52707859]Before getting into the project, you should ask yourself first; what do you have in mind for the video, and what do you hope to accomplish by making it? Is it going to be your story of dealing with depression, denouncing the myths and misunderstandings, a video raising general awareness of it, or some mix of the few/any other ideas you want to work with? You seem to have a bit of a vague answer to the second question of what you hope to accomplish, but you should be more specific if it's going to be a community effort, to raise awareness of it more locally, or if it's for everyone dealing with it worldwide to see. I personally think you should go through with it, if you feel like it is the best thing to do for what you have in mind. I also think that it might be just as good as an idea to start small by helping out people within your community first. Because if you can help a person, you can help a family, and if you can help a family you can help a neighborhood, neighborhood>community, and so-on and so-forth. If you can form some sort of group in your local community, making the video itself will become much more easier and give you a lot of more of a push when you all release the video. It might even have a more direct impact, a longer lasting effect, and inspire others to do the same within their own communities. Unfortunately I cannot offer much advice in raising up a community, I'm just throwing out an idea for you to consider alongside your main focus, since depression continues to be a discussion that not enough people are having, and there are so many places to start the discussion that some people overlook.[/QUOTE] I wanted to talk about myself first, how I felt throughout the years and how it affected my life and how I deal with this feeling of sadness and loneliness now. I think a lot of people don't have anyone to talk to and I want to help them as much as I can. Starting a little community is probably the best way to start this first and I'll definitely look into that. Thanks man! That was some great advice and I hope I can start a little thing in the future. I'll keep that video in my mind but when I finally do it, I'll post it here :) [QUOTE=Crpto2007;52709830]I miss her a lot but we haven't spoken in like 2 years. I know she's happy now but I'm not. i miss the memories we had. It's over and we won't speak again but I wanted to try before I die[/QUOTE] I don't know what happened to you both and if you still have feelings for her but have you tried talking to her in a somewhat reasonable manner? 2 years is a long time and maybe she wants to talk to you, too. Please don't do anything serious and try to find some help first. There's so much more to this life and things will get better.

Nah she doesn't want to talk to me. I tried messaging her awhile ago but she never responded and she's moved on. The reason i wanted to speak with her is because I'm dealing with a chronic illness and I thought maybe she could help me feel better

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52707042]So a thing you could do is try to think of none intentional reasons she might have done it. It might not have been a lack of care for you, she might have not realised it would be mould central. To be... callous, never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence. Shitty things happen in life, its natural to be shocked for a time but its in your own interest to try and accept that its happened and cannot be done and that you just have to try and make do/move on. Avoid dwelling on stuff if possible[/QUOTE] I've started to get over it, she did talk to me later and actually showed that she was sorry for what she did. It was just that she barely said anything, and acted like this was OK for her to do when I paid her to have my stuff "in" her house. I've gotten around most of my clothes being saved, though I'm around 500 quid shorter then planned because of this. I'm too scared to ask her to help pay it too, but I mean... Hopefully she learnt over my expense. I'll just eat less, it's probably good for me anyway so I get in shape.

I really wish I could get over myself. I guess thats one way you could put it. Like I always hear about how you should learn from your mistakes and such, and yea I have learned from them, but I keep bringing them up as a way to punish myself, since I feel that I can't do anything and that I don't deserve anything. Basically every day and night I think about all the terrible things I did during my almost-perfect relationship and how much I fucked up, how much I would take back, and its just terrible. Especially since I still talk to him sometimes, and while I dont have actual feelings for that kinda stuff for anyone, I just feel terrible because everything comes back to me being a shitty person. And because of this, I always feel like I don't deserve anything, so I beat myself up for everything that I do wrong, or even right. I hate it, but I can't stop it. It's driven basically all my friends away too (though some of that is from me just being very dull) because im constantly self-deprecating because I think I shouldn't deserve friends. I really can't wait until I'm on my own so I can go to a shrink and douse myself in meds.