Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Naught;52710622]I really wish I could get over myself. I guess thats one way you could put it. Like I always hear about how you should learn from your mistakes and such, and yea I have learned from them, but I keep bringing them up as a way to punish myself, since I feel that I can't do anything and that I don't deserve anything. Basically every day and night I think about all the terrible things I did during my almost-perfect relationship and how much I fucked up, how much I would take back, and its just terrible. Especially since I still talk to him sometimes, and while I dont have actual feelings for that kinda stuff for anyone, I just feel terrible because everything comes back to me being a shitty person. And because of this, I always feel like I don't deserve anything, so I beat myself up for everything that I do wrong, or even right. I hate it, but I can't stop it. It's driven basically all my friends away too (though some of that is from me just being very dull) because im constantly self-deprecating because I think I shouldn't deserve friends. I really can't wait until I'm on my own so I can go to a shrink and douse myself in meds.[/QUOTE] Look, every time you feel like this, just remind yourself that we human beings aren't perfect. This is what makes us human. Yes, we fuck up, yes, our innocuous actions can bring down disproportionate consequences on our heads, and yes, sometimes we do bad by the people we love. It's not up to us to say what we do or don't deserve, because our actions themselves will see to that. And this, let me tell you, is coming from somebody who's had to deal with his fair share of bullshit and more in the process just to keep going forward. It's good that you realize you need help, at least, but don't drown yourself in guilt. Accepting responsibility, while important, is not a never ending cycle of beating yourself up about the mistakes of the past. It's understanding that a mistake happened, learning from it, and trying to make sure you don't repeat the same thing. And if you ever get the same idea in your head again, immediately change your train of thought or go for a run/do some exercise. Trust me when I say this will help at least until you see a good psychiatrist.

Still awaiting a counselling appointment, still feeling like absolute shit.

schnip

I'm a huge fucking failure and I honestly don't know how long I can keep going.

-snip-

Feeling better my heart is good. I had an EKG and it turns out I just have an irregular heartbeat which has been causing my heart palpitations but they prescribed me a beta blocker.

Whelp, we've finally come full circle. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist because the last one didn't work out, and this new psych is working a Bipolar angle, which is some thing I was first diagnosed with when I was 8. I thought once I figured out what was wrong with me, I would start to feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. But I've been spending my whole life trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I can't help but feel this incredibly shitty and despairing feeling. If it works, sure, I'll get better and will be able to handle my days much better as well. But at what cost? My entire childhood has been a roller coaster of doctors, hospitals, needles, IV's, abuse from my peers and teachers and being completely thrown under the rug by my friends. I just don't fucking care anymore, it's impossible for me to find the good in anything anymore.

I've hit an existential crisis. I've been worrying about my health for three months now, and especially the last couple of weeks I seriously believe there is something seriously wrong but nobody believes me and keeps telling me I'm fine so I've avoided seeing a doctor. But I feel its something major and that if I don't get it treated, or on the off chance treatment isn't successful, it'll kill me. So the last thing I needed to be thinking about is death and the abject nothingness of it. I'm worried I might be on a short timer and then start thinking about how there is nothing after that timer ends.

I hurt myself and I feel better yet worse

Why do I try to convince myself that things are going to get better? Every time it just gets worse. If course it has to do with a girl, but that's not really the whole story. For the last 2 years I've been dealing with depression, and I finally got diagnosed a couple of weeks ago. There also happens to be a girl that I've been liking, the first time in 4 years. It might help to mention that I'm a junior in high school, her a sophomore. We're pretty close, and she's helped me through a lot. She's beautiful and has a great personality. We have a lot in common. But 2 weeks ago, I found out some stuff that really put me in to a rut, and shredded the little confidence I had in me. I guess I'm too much like a mutual friend, and she's not supposed to be dating. Those 2 things really messed me up for 2 weeks. I talked a lot less to anyone. I was down, and I was just having generally worse depression symptoms. Come today, I didn't have a bad day. It was pretty good actually! Of course it doesn't work like that though. A guy that's been flirting with her asked her to hang out some time. I was under the impression that she didn't like him. That's what she said to our friends. I asked her who he us, and she says that they've Ben flirting and that she's going to hang out with him soon. That really fucking hurt. I've thought she'd be the best way to get help with my depression. I thought she'd be the one that gets me out of my hole. And now it's pretty much guaranteed that nothing will happen, and that hit me like a truck. I can't do anything about it but mope and talk to our very helpful mutual friends. Don't know what the point if this post is. I guess to just get it out.

I hate myself for the way my brain works. I've spent years and years trying to figure myself out and it all fell into place recently on why I was such an ADD depressed and hyperactive mess of a child. After so many theories and antidepressants and mood modulators and other dumb shit. My whole life I was an over-methylator. The symptoms it describes and how I was are almost 1:1. The reason it's no longer an issue is because I've basically pumped myself with all the right cofactors and supplements unknowingly that it corrected the issue. But I don't want to be normal. That's where I hate myself. I tried sucking down on Ranitidine a while back because my immune system was being stupid and I thought it'd help. The end result was that it made me exactly as I was as a child. For better and worse. Anxious, depressed, racing mind, but full of creativity and energy. Somewhere else entirely. As I am right now my mood is painfully flat. I'm not motivated or happy but I'm not depressed either. I can focus for a while on important stuff and turn up to work but deep down I'd rather be doing nothing. I'm stuck in a routine that I simultaneously hate but I'm "fine" with. I have no desire to break away from it, change as a person, do anything to improve myself. I might as well not exist. When I was a child, ridiculously hyperactive some days and inconsolably depressed other days, my brain was still shooting around wildly, I'd hear noises and words, strange ideas would pop into my head, I'd live and breath the music I'd make, just walking around all day, to and from school, listening to the songs I'd make over and over and thinking of ways to improve them and making stories to go along with them. I never had any delusions or visual hallucinations, I never became so detached from reality that I believed everyone was out to get me, but I was definitely walking a fine line. So I have a choice really, I can abandon the stable life I have now, potentially sabotage my job security and become a useless wreck like I used to be by taking antihistamines, or I can march on through mediocrity and wishing every damn day that it was the last. Why am I so stupid. Any normal person would choose the latter over the former, to be normal and clear minded, but I [B]MISS[/B] being the uncontrollable wreck I was. I miss the voices, the sounds, the shapes when I closed my eyes, the weird ideas that would just jump into my head on a whim. I miss being happy and sad and energetic and creative. I came to terms with myself in my teens, that I was "broken" as a person, but that being broken made me something unique. I saw and felt things my friends and family could never experience. I knew my brain was a mess so I purposefully avoided drugs, because, why would I ever want to ruin such a chaotic but perfect mix of thought. Drugs could never replicate why my mind was going through, weed only ever dulled my thoughts and made everything silent, the exact opposite of what I wanted. It's so tempting to just ruin the life I have now and go back to how I was. If I was financially secure or rich I wouldn't even give it a second thought. It's stupid I have to actually think about doing it or not. To me the choice seems so obvious, but my responsibility to others, my job, and what others expect of me is ultimately what keeps me on the fence. What a fucking mess of a post. Sorry for the shit structuring.

I'm in Malvern, Arkansas. Taking a quick nap then getting back on the road to San Antonio. Here's to hoping my car will hold together (bc irrational fear). Wish me luck, guys.

Has anyone got any advice with regards to anger management? This is a big one for me, if something that happens that I disagree with and feel powerless to stop (eg Windows 8's awful start screen, Adobe's subscription only software, Tony Abbott) for me it's like being punched right in the nose. How do you reduce the feeling to something that doesn't feel fucking horrible. I don't know if you guys can imagine the feeling.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52718822]Has anyone got any advice with regards to anger management? This is a big one for me, if something that happens that I disagree with and feel powerless to stop (eg Windows 8's awful start screen, Adobe's subscription only software, Tony Abbott) for me it's like being punched right in the nose. How do you reduce the feeling to something that doesn't feel fucking horrible. I don't know if you guys can imagine the feeling.[/QUOTE] I don't struggle a lot with anger, but something that usually helps me if I first get angry is to realize that whatever is making me angry never had the intention of doing it. It's not an attack towards me, it's nothing personal, etc etc. If it's a person, they just have some different views than I have and that's fine as long as they're not being a cunt about it towards me specifically. If it's an object then accepting that this is just how it is with that thing helps too. Why get angry when you can't change it anyway right? Thinking like this helps me out but we're all different so ultimately you gotta find a way that works with your thoughts. Maybe this could help but maybe not. Have you tried writing down your thoughts when you get angry so you can analyze them when you're more calm? That could help you uncover why you get angry in the first place and how to deal with it. [editline]26th September 2017[/editline] I'm not doing so good myself right now. I'm not sad or upset or whatever, I'm fairly neutral but depressed. The added stress of thinking about school has completely broken down anything resembling a routine in my life. I never clean anymore, my sleeping schedule is all wonky, I can't be bothered to make dinner or go grocery shopping, hygiene is being neglected, I owe 762$ with an already poor economy, I've already failed every single class in school (if you're away 10% of a class, you fail it) and now I'm feeling lost. I've been too stressed lately to even bother with anything. Any advice on how to sort myself out again and get into routine? I'm overwhelmed by how much I have to do to get back on track.

I'm gonna go get help. Hurting myself every time I can't handle my own emotions isn't healthy. And it's not working as well anymore. I feel like I have to cut deeper in order to get the same feeling now.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52718822]Has anyone got any advice with regards to anger management? This is a big one for me, if something that happens that I disagree with and feel powerless to stop (eg Windows 8's awful start screen, Adobe's subscription only software, Tony Abbott) for me it's like being punched right in the nose. How do you reduce the feeling to something that doesn't feel fucking horrible. I don't know if you guys can imagine the feeling.[/QUOTE] I was like this with the Alt-Right last year. I'm glad they're a laughing stock now. The way I see it now is that all you can really do is try to change yourself, no matter how difficult it gets.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52719675]I'm gonna go get help. Hurting myself every time I can't handle my own emotions isn't healthy. And it's not working as well anymore. I feel like I have to cut deeper in order to get the same feeling now.[/QUOTE] I know that feeling. 100% Get help, it's hard but it's worth it.

I have really bad anxiety. As a senior in high school, the unfortunate inevitability of parties is always looming around the corner. On one hand, I have a fear of being left out, so I feel the need to go, and I love most of the people there, but on the other, I am [I][B]SO ANXIOUS[/B][/I] around drunk people. Something about unpredictability gets me. In addition, my girlfriend is also going to go to a [I]separate[/I] party and get drunk that night (something that doesn't happen often). What do I do? I feel my chest tightening just thinking about it.

[QUOTE=mcgrath618;52721008]I have really bad anxiety. As a senior in high school, the unfortunate inevitability of parties is always looming around the corner. On one hand, I have a fear of being left out, so I feel the need to go, and I love most of the people there, but on the other, I am [I][B]SO ANXIOUS[/B][/I] around drunk people. Something about unpredictability gets me. In addition, my girlfriend is also going to go to a [I]separate[/I] party and get drunk that night (something that doesn't happen often). What do I do? I feel my chest tightening just thinking about it.[/QUOTE] Are you yourself nervous about being drunk/being unpredictable/less in control or is it purely a concern about other people? Maybe start yourself in smaller groups and just try to relax, and not relax as in closing up and being quiet but relax as in have a laugh and be yourself and have fun with your friends. Perhaps in a smaller group you can start off with the group sober and steadily acclimate to it. As someone who regrets missing out of a lot of social life due to anxiety/depression when I was younger I recommend you try not to miss out, as ignorant and inconsiderate as that sounds (on my part since it sounds like "just do it"). If you're worried about other people being arseholes when they're drunk then your problem probably lies with a concern about people being arseholes rather than people being drunk, and people will be arseholes anyway its just a thing you have to accept and live with. If you're worried about unpredictability in general try not to pin everything on stuff being planned and rational - its not the way of the world. Plans will always fail to some degree and the unexpected will always happen the trick is to roll with it, identify when something is out of your control and don't fight it. The sooner you can accept that stuff happens outside your control the better imo. Like a ship on the ocean, A good sailor won't try to control the wind, they'll try to exploit the wind and mitigate for when the unexpected occurs.

:snip:

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52718822]Has anyone got any advice with regards to anger management? This is a big one for me, if something that happens that I disagree with and feel powerless to stop (eg Windows 8's awful start screen, Adobe's subscription only software, Tony Abbott) for me it's like being punched right in the nose. How do you reduce the feeling to something that doesn't feel fucking horrible. I don't know if you guys can imagine the feeling.[/QUOTE] I know what you mean. Everytime I don't know what to say in an argument or in a situation I feel I'm between 2 walls, I tend to get really angry to the point I hurt myself. When I was younger I didn't hurt myself but did some damages to my house and it feels horrible. I want to know what I can do to solve those situations.

Finally found someone I care about who makes me happy, but I only hate myself more because I know she'll never see me like that and I'll never make her happy in the same way. Funny how even the good things in life spin their way to shit.

[QUOTE=TheLocoMofo;52722337]Finally found someone I care about who makes me happy, but I only hate myself more because I know she'll never see me like that and I'll never make her happy in the same way. Funny how even the good things in life spin their way to shit.[/QUOTE] Consider the following: That girl has flaws. You are willing to accept her flaws, you are willing to accept your family's flaws, you are willing to accept your friend's flaws, why are you not willing to accept your own flaws? We must be as ambivalent and compassionate to ourselves as we are to others. Easier said than done though.

After being 7 years with me, my golden retriever died yesterday, thanks for the 7 years buddy, hope you're in a better place now.

Moved out of shitty family and they called police on me saying I was missing. Everyone I went to high school with found out and think I killed myself because they knew I was depressed. Reassured some of them but they tell me to come home, which is not an option. Anyways, this was about a month ago, but I feel paranoid Everytime I go outside thinking someone will see me and try to tell my family. Like today, I saw this girl that was in my high school class on the other side of the train platform. It all happened in one second, but she saw me and sprung up when she saw me before my train left the station. The police aren't looking for me anymore, as I told them of the situation and left me alone, but I just don't want someone in my old life to see me at all. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Anxeity fucking sucks man

Hi... I think I need to visit this thread. I said some hurtful things to my BF today. He said some hurtful things back. He’s much better than me at it, without even being malicious. It’d be so easy to just down a bottle and escape life. Very easy. I don’t have a therapist. I don’t have anywhere to go in town. I dunno. Hi.

I have a really bad relationship with my parents that I don't think can be mended anytime soon. To cope, I drink waaaaaay too much booze, which I know is the worst way to deal with this shit. Anyone got any advice on how I can lessen the drinking? While I live here I don't know if I can ever stop it entirely, but if anyone can help me tone it down, even a little bit, I'd really appreciate it.

[QUOTE=Kolmala;52728316]I have a really bad relationship with my parents that I don't think can be mended anytime soon. To cope, I drink waaaaaay too much booze, which I know is the worst way to deal with this shit. Anyone got any advice on how I can lessen the drinking? While I live here I don't know if I can ever stop it entirely, but if anyone can help me tone it down, even a little bit, I'd really appreciate it.[/QUOTE] Throw away all alchohol and don't go down the beer isle

[QUOTE=Egg_Toaster;52728339]Throw away all alchohol and don't go down the beer isle[/QUOTE] I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but I've done that twice this year, even made good progress, but really serious shit with my parents made me relapse hard.