Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I sleep for 15 hours, then I'm up all night, then I have a 15 hour shift, then I come home fully energized and play games til 6AM, then I go to bed and sleep off another day, then it's another night of gaming and back at work doing 15 hours. I don't feel balanced.

Hi, new here! I had a bit of an open question. Does anybody else I.T.T. ever find themselves driven away from posting around Facepunch in particular? I suppose over the years I stopped coming to post here regularly because I had a bunch of bad experiences with people who like to attack posts with dumbs without stating why, and are quicker to treat you with belligerence rather than engage in conversation.

Honestly when I think about it my life doesnt seem that bad but I still feel like the biggest piece of human garbage in the world sometimes. When I feel pretty low during the day I can just distract myself with video games or whatever else, but the worst is at night when im just trying to fall asleep and I have nothing to do but think. I feel so fucking stupid when I feel like this.

I used to have anxiety and stress issues in the past, and they were manageable, but now I'm in such a weird place. Not sure how to describe it, but right now it feels like breathing isn't done mechanically anymore and I can't focus on anything other than my breathing which started yesterday. I find it hard to distract myself from it and it made it even worse during the night as I constantly get awaken after an hour or two of sleep every time, so I had an appointment to a therapist set up today. Turns out I've been diagnosed with GAD and got a prescription for SSRIs and Xanas, all in small dosage. Also been told that it's going to take up to a week until its effects start to fully kick in. I feel like my last portion of the month is just a means to find a way to try to function throughout the day but now I'm also feeling optimistic about this, and once I manage to force myself to move out of my comfort zone, it'll get even better. I used to be afraid of taking a huge change in life, but lately I'm feeling like this is exactly what I need to break out from my daily routine.

I always cant shake the feeling im better off not existing

I'm getting resentful again. I hate this entire situation. Why do I have to be the one who puts his life on hold to take care of someone else? No one wants to fucking help? I started noticing it earlier in the week. My mother went on vacation and while I felt happy for her I also felt a tinge of jealousy. Now I just feel frayed and burnt out. I shouldn't even feel guilty since it puts a roof over my head. But hey, what do you know. I feel like I want to scream. The Sertaline sure doesn't feel like it's working today.

I'm at a breaking point. I've been posting on and off about my situation or my status, and it has been a major rollercoaster the past couple months. I found myself today, spacing out, with suicidal thoughts, only to find myself driving into oncoming traffic. I called suicide prevention and nothing helped. I'm honestly tired, and really don't want to continue fighting. I never see my daughter, I'm unemployed, and I can't seem to get social enough to get myself out of the house. Nothing is working for me. Even now while typing this, all I hear is "No one cares."

-snip-

Pretty sure I'm 100% relapsed into my anorexia. Lost 40lbs in the last 2.5 months and continue to lose everyday, have 0 hunger signals and lost my period. It doesn't bother me most days but it's awful when my bf cooks me meals and guilt prevents me from even taking a bite, since it upsets him. I also avoid going out anywhere because it always turns into "let's grab something to eat". It makes me feel really worthless. I want to go to a therapist but one side of me is worried I won't be taken seriously because my weight is not low enough, and another side is afraid they'll blow it out of proportion and involuntarily commit me. I'm not sure what the local laws are but I was committed back in my home country and it was super traumatic and I don't want a repeat of that.

Fucking migraine yesterday I had that horrible aura thing, my vision looked like this for those wondering: [video=youtube;qVFIcF9lyk8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVFIcF9lyk8[/video]

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52781077]Fucking migraine yesterday I had that horrible aura thing, my vision looked like this for those wondering: [video=youtube;qVFIcF9lyk8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVFIcF9lyk8[/video][/QUOTE] Mine get like that as well. Then I lose vision in one eye; both in some extreme cases. All induced from stress. I have no trick or advice how to get rid of them. I usually just lay in a dark, cold area til the next day.

I'm worried that my migraines may have caused my tinnitus.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52781077]Fucking migraine yesterday I had that horrible aura thing, my vision looked like this for those wondering: [video=youtube;qVFIcF9lyk8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVFIcF9lyk8[/video][/QUOTE] I get infrequent migraine attacks with aura and it's one of the things I fear the most. My attacks are often severe and I get nearly all the aura sensations, from visual distortions to losing ability to speak & understand words. It often starts with a feel that can be described as hands "detaching" from my body, and then the hell breaks loose for about 15-30 minutes. Vision is like having a GPU glitch, can't understand words, can only talk gibberish, my body goes numb, feeling nauseous, confused etc. Overall it's really fucked up. It could happen anywhere at any time, and I always get anxious in public if I haven't got an attack in a while. I don't mind the pain phase, the sensations in aura are so fucked up it's the main reason I fear of a potential attack. When I got one in public I almost walked into people because I couldn't see them, now think of not seeing oncoming traffic... or having a speech and suddenly losing ability to speak. Not pleasant thoughts. I also happen to have an anxiety disorder, and the fear of migraines is one of my main triggers for it. Ironically it's not the migraine itself that is causing the problems, but the fear of it. I only get 1-2 attacks in a *year*, however it's infrequent nature makes it even more unpredictable.

Have you seen a doctor about it.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52783064]Have you seen a doctor about it.[/QUOTE] Yes, quite long ago. They prescribed some meds (can't remember what) that I should take when aura begins, however I haven't tried them out yet and feeling reluctant to do that. Because the attacks are so infrequent there is no need for preventive treatment, and the pain can be effectively dealt with ibuprofen. The main issue is the fear of it, and the doctor did admit that the meds would have been more for the peace of mind. I haven't got a migraine in 13 months and it's not easy to deal with that anxiety nearly every day, and I got enough issues with my mental health already. Any time now... :ohno:

Checking in. Woop. [QUOTE=Mewkat;52783043] I also happen to have an anxiety disorder, and the fear of migraines is one of my main triggers for it. Ironically it's not the migraine itself that is causing the problems, but the fear of it. I only get 1-2 attacks in a *year*, however it's infrequent nature makes it even more unpredictable.[/QUOTE] I feel you my man. Been going through the same - my trigger being stomach distress, actual or incoming (such as having to eat a sizable meal, which happened tonight with complimentary anxiety) caused by throwing up - hard - multiple times in the span of a few hours. I still feel the effects from that 3 months later, I've seen a doc and I'm about to go see a gastroenterologist to see if there has been any actual damage or if it's all in my head

[QUOTE=Mewkat;52783138]Yes, quite long ago. They prescribed some meds (can't remember what) that I should take when aura begins, however I haven't tried them out yet and feeling reluctant to do that. Because the attacks are so infrequent there is no need for preventive treatment, and the pain can be effectively dealt with ibuprofen. The main issue is the fear of it, and the doctor did admit that the meds would have been more for the peace of mind. I haven't got a migraine in 13 months and it's not easy to deal with that anxiety nearly every day, and I got enough issues with my mental health already. Any time now... :ohno:[/QUOTE]Well I can't say mine are as bad or a frequent as yours, but god forbid I get one while driving. I think mine could be why I developed tinnitus.

Loneliness kicking in, meds making me feel like shit, too tired move from my chair, too socially withdrawn to talk to good people and cute girls. This. Fucking. Sucks.

[QUOTE=Paincake;52786647]Loneliness kicking in, meds making me feel like shit, too tired move from my chair, too socially withdrawn to talk to good people and cute girls. This. Fucking. Sucks.[/QUOTE] You'll get through it friend. All things must pass and bad times are no exception.

Hey hi, first time poster here I guess. So recently I've been in a slump. Lack of motivation to do stuff. Don't really have a lot of people to turn to for help. My family is unreliable when to comes to this stuff. Also I've been trying to find a new job, but I just can't bring myself to interact with people. Eye contact makes me extremely uncomfortable. I get a sense of paranoia every time I talk to anyone outside of my family. It doesn't help that my last job as a part-time waiter was simply miserable due to a combination of a shitty boss and asshole-ish customers compounding my reclusive behavior.

Yo, been recently coming to terms with my suicidal thoughts. I've been in denial of them for a while (almost two years now) but a month ago I felt the urge to finally tell my family and seek help. Looking back on it, I don't know how or why I ignored my feelings of worthlessness and the fixation of death I had. I felt like I lived too good a life to be affected by mental illness (Even though my family has genetic mental illness) and that I was being a baby and just a pampered kid. I felt that all my feelings were illegitimate and that I just needed to grow thicker skin. This all started when I started to question my meaning in life and whether life was meaningless or not. I was a Sophomore in high-school ready to take the world by storm until one day my grandmother died. For one whole week I experienced the harsh reality of real life: We all will die one day. Ever since I tried to play it off as the "Tough Guy" because I kept telling myself, "Your life has been too good for you to be sad. People have lived shit lives and you dare feel sorry for yourself?" I told myself time and time again that nothing was wrong with me and that these dark thoughts of mine weren't any indicator of a problem; I lived too good of a life to have legitimate problems. Junior year hits me and the motivation I was hoping to get from the summer was nonexistent. I brushed it aside saying "I'm just not used to school yet, I'll get into the swing of things" until assignment after assignment started piling up. Zero after zero started showing up in my grade book. I literally waited till the last day of the semester to do all my work and turn it in for partial credit (where I could get it). "I'm just being lazy. But next semester will be my semester for sure!" Man was that a fat chance. (Interestingly enough I still cheesed my grades and passed, thankfully) Fast forward to the summer before this year: Have some high moments and some low moments. I break up with my manipulative girlfriend, I experience playing Jazz for the first time, and regardless of the highs and lows I still have the same thoughts of "Does it really matter if I were to die?" "Would anyone really care? I die just like everyone else." As my senior year marches on, I find people saying they have senioritis and that "Graduation is soon". Man if they are getting senioritis now, what the hell have I had since junior year? At that point death is just another way of entertaining myself when I am bored now: "Oh man, I wonder what being maimed is like?" "Is a firing squad painless?" "Heck a breathing mask with hydrogen would make me just fall asleep for good" "Ha, I doubt many people would miss me." "I'm just an insensitive jerk, people have it worse". It was when I was driving home from a marching band rehearsal that I realised I needed help. I had contemplated running my car into a brick wall and ending it all but the only thing that stopped me is having to take home a younger section mate. I wouldn't take his life along with mine. It was at that moment that I realised it: By ignoring my feelings I was setting myself up for an eventual demise. I needed help. I see a counsellor in a couple of weeks once my schedule dies down and hopefully I can figure out how to manage myself properly or be recommended to a psychiatrist. From these last two years I've learned one valuable lesson: Suicidalism, Depression and the like don't care who you are because they can and will affect you. If they affect you, you deserve to seek help no matter your situation or background. No more of this "Macho-man" attitude or having guilt about it. While even tonight I am still haunted by thoughts of ending it all, I know that there is help from my family and loved ones. There is always help, and everyone deserves it. Please don't become another statistic because nobody knew about how you felt. Your life is worth more than the world.

[QUOTE=Thomo;52786303]I'm tired of my life being in limbo, my university reference has stalled because the referee is unreliable as hell yet I lack another person to write one so I feel almost hopeless, reminding them I need it done as soon as possible hasn't prevailed so far. This doubles onto something else, which mostly just makes me feel overall worse than anything else; not being listened to. Unless I speak in riddles or another language and nobody tells me it's extremely infuriating, this is both in reality and online. It almost makes me feel cheated out of the energy it takes to speak sometimes, why get involved if my words fall on deaf ears no? I mean, really, do people think what I am saying is a joke or am I insignificant to the conversation most of the time? Talking over me as well is a massive pet-peeve and just shows absolutely no respect.[/QUOTE] That sorta thing is a massive pain in the arse, really feels bad and lower your confidence which makes you not project yourself which makes the situation worse. You might try something like the gym (confidence) or some sorts of hobby which forces you to speak, maybe practice stuff for conversation or even stuff like posture. I've had a speech problem for 20 or so years now and for lots of that I had similar problems where I would be too self conscious to talk, so I'd speak quickly and quietly, playing a passive and withdrawn role which in turn lead to people ignoring or not noticing. For me it was a confidence issue - are you able to identify any causes? 2 tips I have: Have a physical presence and make known stand with good posture with an open chest, sit comfortably and take up your space. If someone talks over you keep talking until you're finished, it's not rude, they're being asses and being disrespectful. It sounds ignorant or belligerent but it's not, you gotta care about you, even if you care about others your glass can't be empty if you plan to pour from it. [editline]17th October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Paincake;52786647]Loneliness kicking in, meds making me feel like shit, too tired move from my chair, too socially withdrawn to talk to good people and cute girls. This. Fucking. Sucks.[/QUOTE] Same here sans the pills feelsbadman. Really need to get help but don't really know how to approach it. Imo you force yourself. Find a friend to take a walk and talk with, low pressure and can help ease that anxiety and fear that "you'll lose it if you don't use it" wrt social skills

Anyone here had any luck with quitting therapy? I don't see much point in it anymore, I can't think of a single instance where therapy has helped me and I've been going to therapy for the last 9 years. Whenever I've had success with my mental state, I've done things by myself without the help of my therapist(s). Everything that happens through therapy never feels like my own projects and I don't feel much motivation to complete the tasks I'm given when the task isn't "my idea". I feel like I already have the answers I need. Every time I go speak with my therapist, we talk about things I already know. My previous therapist said something along the lines of "you seem to already know all of your answers, why are you here?". All I lack is the drive to complete said things which I don't think therapy will help with. A part of me even feels that maybe all of this support surrounding me isn't that good for me to begin with. Like with the welfare, those guys always want to push towards work. I understand why but I often feel like I end up places I'd rather not be. On top of that, I get that feeling that working at these various places aren't my projects either. I just do them because I'm told to, not because I enjoy it or want to. I don't get much satisfaction from getting a job or performing said job either. They give me a job without any effort from my side and doing the job feels fake since they're usually made for people like me who struggle with work. Meaning that I rarely feel useful since it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. All of this support has become a safety net that is too safe. There is no risk, there is little effort from my side and all of these people do the thinking for me. I need to be able to fail and to think for myself so I'll build confidence when I succeed with my own projects. It's hard to pull away from this safety net tho. I've been in it for years now and I have very little experience with making it on my own. It sounds like a great idea to detach from the safety net and stand on my own feet but I know I can get a little too optimistic at times to the point where I overwhelm myself and end up worse. Any advice? Going to therapy and meeting the demands of the guys giving my welfare, I'm fed up of it. I don't know if I'm capable of surviving without it though. I feel like I'm stuck between two hard places.

I've been thinking that i made some wrong choice in my life, i should've choose to take some working experience before going to university for at least 1 or 2 years, now i'm afraid for my own future, i'm scared that i might not get any job that suits me, hope i can fix this somehow.

[QUOTE=Sire Noodles;52791892]I've been thinking that i made some wrong choice in my life, i should've choose to take some working experience before going to university for at least 1 or 2 years, now i'm afraid for my own future, i'm scared that i might not get any job that suits me, hope i can fix this somehow.[/QUOTE] If you spend too much time worrying about the past and the future you'll miss the present.

[QUOTE=PredGD;52788175]I feel like I already have the answers I need. Every time I go speak with my therapist, we talk about things I already know. My previous therapist said something along the lines of "you seem to already know all of your answers, why are you here?". All I lack is the drive to complete said things which I don't think therapy will help with.[/QUOTE] If you haven't made progress on the things you already know after nine years then you have a bad therapist or therapy isn't right for you. In my opinion you should swap therapists before stopping entirely. If you do decide to move on though make sure you're not depressed or having suicidal thoughts. That's certainly one reason to stick to therapy even if you are making zero progress... you might want to consider a psychologist at this point if nine years has done nothing.

I'm nearing 30 so I'm trying to do my best to figure shit out, I've got to get rid of that part my mind that causes me act to immature and childishly. I'm still embarrassed about an angry post I made about Indonesia over a year ago, I was just pissed off with their decision to execute two reformed prisoners. I think perhaps I need anger management. If I can improve myself here I can improve in the real world. Misinterpreting people is something I need to work on too, as I'm still border line asperges. But I can see the person I should try to be. That MrRobot reminded me that I tend to look away when people are talking to me, I suppose I have to practice looking people in the eye.

i'm incapable of really caring about the people i love and the meds just make it harder, it's starting to feel like i have to pick between being a sedated non-person or an insufferable schizoid who hurts everyone

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52791922]If you haven't made progress on the things you already know after nine years then you have a bad therapist or therapy isn't right for you. In my opinion you should swap therapists before stopping entirely. If you do decide to move on though make sure you're not depressed or having suicidal thoughts. That's certainly one reason to stick to therapy even if you are making zero progress... you might want to consider a psychologist at this point if nine years has done nothing.[/QUOTE] I don't have high hopes in switching from one person to another to be honest. It could work, hard to tell, but I think the idea of going somewhere to get help once every week has become so normalized in my head that it's hard to get into the mindset that its a tool to help me out. I think I'll stick to it for now though. Been quite depressed recently and I've had some nasty thoughts regarding life and death so maybe not the brightest idea to ditch it.

I have been struggling pretty intensely with depression lately. It's always been an ugly companion, but since starting my own business it has been increasingly destructive and intense, presumably because of the stress and pressure of having that kind of responsibility on my shoulders now. I have no energy, no motivation, and am quick to anger. I stay up half the night, not wanting to sleep, and then lay awake in bed for hours the next day, not wanting to have to get up. I spend the days feeling like a useless, stupid failure, convincing myself that it's pointless to get up and try, and then I spend my nights feeling like a lazy piece of shit for not doing anything all day. I have my good days and bad days (and weeks, and months), but lately its been a hell of a lot more of the latter than the former. That self-destructive cycle of ugly emotion repeats almost daily, and only reinforces itself, so that each day feels worse than the last. I recently sought out some help, but I guess I just wanted to chime in and share my experience, as this week has been especially rough for me. It's frustrating, because I know I [B]shouldn't[/B] feel this way. I just got married to a woman that I love with my whole heart. While my business is not doing nearly as well as it could be (thanks to my self-destructive depressive cycle), we're still afloat financially. I get that depression isn't rational, but knowing that I [B]should[/B] be consistently happy right now is only making me feel worse that I'm not. I have my first appointment on Monday, and am just hoping that it will mark a turning point for my emotional state.