Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

So one of the first things the psychiatrist said in our first meeting was that it doesn't sound like I'm depressed, just stressed... What?

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52825061]Maybe they're saying that the root cause of your issue is stress, vs depression.[/QUOTE] All I had said at that point was that right now I was going through something, and then she jumped onto that as everything causing me problems. When it's been years of constant problems with other causes that I've never been able to deal with. [editline]27th October 2017[/editline] The lowness I'm going through right this second is NOT stress related in anyway.

On the positive side, I have some friends and people on here don't flat out reject me despite mistakes of the past.

I kind of feel like my life is pointless. My job makes me miserable. But I don't have much of a real choice because the other option is not have enough money to survive. My long distance bf keeps assuring me that moving to him (Cambrige, Mass.) is a good idea and that the TSA is a good paying job. Problem is, that would make me feel even more worthless and pointless. TSA don't actually make anyone safer, and I wouldn't be making anything physical like I do now, just making people miserable. Not to mention that I don't really do well around people, much less having to touch them. I'm trying to move out around Feb which I can if I keep this job as I have for 4 years. But I don't know if I'll be happy. My other plans that might of made me happier are looking shaky so I've fallen back on moving out locally. My job has stressed me out and made me miserable that what I like doing, I can't really bring myself to do. I wish I could do what I like as a job, but due to lack of connections, my social ineptitude, and tendancy to have meltdowns, it can't support me. The person I was going to plan on moving in with me has shown to be unable to control themselves emotionally and I put that plan on hold indefinately until they sort themselves out. Because I can't take the stress of someone else being emotional and upset. Right now, it looks like being alone is the only option left for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and honestly I don't know if it's going to get any better. I don't know, I guess I'm just whining. That's all I'm usally doing. That's what everyone says I'm doing. That it's just my stupid fucking fault things are the way they are. I don't know why I tell anyone. I don't even know if it makes any difference. Maybe I'm just lying. Everyone has always said I always lie. I don't tell the truth. I can't be trusted. I don't trust my own thoughts. I don't believe myself. No one has believed me. I just assume everyone else is right, because apparently they are. They always have been. And I get angry at people because they trick and backstab me, but I guess I deserve it anyways. I don't know why people expect me to do the right thing if all I ever do is fuck up. I don't make good choices. I don't make sound choices to begin with because to think means to freeze indefinately. So I rely on impulse because it's the only way I get things done. Or just simply zone out and stop thinking entirely. Why am I even bothering with this? What good is this going to do? Why is it when something good is about to happen...at least it feels like it's good, everything just fucking falls apart? Does some fucking enity out there just want to see me suffer? It's why I don't believe in God either. If he really is all powerful and loving and in control of everything ,he's doing a fucking shitty job. I'm afraid of living on my own. It's difficult to do anything, I seem to be having more and more trouble controlling myself. I don't know. I can't stop editing this post and rambling more. I don't know why.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52825836]On the positive side, I have some friends and people on here don't flat out reject me despite mistakes of the past.[/QUOTE] that is such a nice feeling, when you're alone and feel like you've got nothing and a friend manages to get through to you and save you from yourself

[QUOTE=The golden;52826688]It's a really nice feeling helping someone pull through and seeing them be happy again. I really enjoy doing it. Although I've had a lot of issues with people treating me like their personal therapist and/or dumping their life on me every day with no regard towards my own feelings. Outside of my close friends, I consider myself very lucky if I get a "How are you?".[/QUOTE] You've established yourself as a rock in peoples lives, a golden lighthouse on the hill. I think its realistic to only expect that sort of help/attentiveness from close friends - which isn't a bad thing, gotta consider that maybe people think you got it all sorted out and aren't aware of your issues, or they're too deeply engulfed by their own life that they can't see whats going on around them. Personally I'd find being obliged to/spend sufficient time with more than a few people a huge burden, feeling like if you didn't reply to them you'd be letting them down or making them feel ignored, its hard enough for me and I don't have that many people.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52824341]So, with any new drug, you want to take it as prescribed, and report any side effects you have. If you start having any form of suicidal/homicidal thoughts then you need to report those IMMEDIATELY. Generally speaking you should probably have lab work done as well, to make sure that you're not lacking in electrolytes/minerals/vitamins (though it sounds like you already had those done). Just relax about the meds, if you start having a bad time then report it and don't take it, there are plenty of meds out there, and not everything works with everyone. Might I suggest injecting some exercise into your day (assuming you have time). I have GAD and working out around 30 minutes a day, and changing my diet up a bit really helped knock it back down, to the point that I didn't even need meds anymore.[/QUOTE] I guess you're right, I should just take it easy and see how things go with this med. That's what I did with the last one, seen it made things much worse so I reported it and was told to stop taking them, so they were now replaced with SNRIs instead. I'm currently uninsured now, hoping after I get a job soon I'll look into having more lab work done just to be on the safe side. Probably would be better if I take it easy with working out for now, at least until I see how the meds progress over these few weeks, but after that sure.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52825775]What are you hoping to gain from seeing your psychiatrist? Therapy? Meds? I'm asking because my advice will change depending on what you're really looking for out of a psychiatrist.[/QUOTE] Therapy and some semblance of what's actually wrong with me. I have meds already and they're barely doing anything (though my dose is going to be increased)

The past two days I've been engulfed in Stellaris and I've felt better with my self as a result - but as soon as I decide to quit for the day its as if nothing has changed. I don't expect that games will heal my head in any way but I do expect some temporary relief. I've had a good time, so shouldn't I be content for at least a short while? That is just one of many similar situations. I try to find ways to distract myself, either by being productive (chores etc) or seeking out entertainment. I usually feel somewhat okay during these activities but as soon as I feel done with whatever, its back to that dull state of mind. It makes me wonder, how do others deal with this? Is this something everyone is challenged with or is this a problem reserved for those who already struggle with mental illness? How do you deal with this?

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52828638]What meds are you taking, if you don't mind me asking, and what dosages? As for your goals, next time you visit, make your goals clear, tell your doc exactly what you're hoping to accomplish. That'll help them narrow down what to do. Is this a new doctor you're seeing, or have you seen them in the past?[/QUOTE] Venlafaxine, 75mg a day. It's a psychiatrist I've only had one meeting with, and I'll be getting a phone call within the next week about what we're going to do

I'm starting to realise that in life, you can't plan out a fantasy and put effort into one thing to make the fantasy come true, you just have to be prepared for things. I just have to put a shit tonne of work into something, then put a shit tonne of work into something, then keep going until something is successful. While this seems true to me, as a bit of a control freak, I don't like that fact that's the case. It makes it seems like life will never be the way I want it to be, acceptance seems fucking hard, all I can do is keep working on things and putting effort into projects and hope life will reach acceptable limits. I find that the more I get jealous of other people, the more I fantasise. I would love for my life to be like it is in my head, an entrepreneur with a heaps of successful pursuits, living in a nice house with a wife I actually love, but the cold hard truth is that it ain't gonna happen. Life is only ever going to be how is and I have to accept it, despite the fact that I don't really like it all, I mean, acceptance is the mature attitude to have, but it's very difficult to look at things from this point in time and see that the future (with a little effort) is going to be better despite the fact it won't be the way I'd like it to, in other words, it's hard to view anything outside of what a know now as 'good' or that I will like what the future holds for me. But the thing is, if I do nothing, the undesirable effects of life will catch up with me. A little bit of ADD means that I have a tonne of unfinished projects, as soon as try to work on one, I realise another hasn't been finished and I start working on the one I'm least interested in and then give and start a new project. So I need to finish something, but I've got no idea which is going to be beneficial. I'd love to finished them all, but I have to pick the ones which are going to lead to something.

Honestly I am starting to hate being around people who have their stuff together, it just reminds me more and more of some of the things I lack. I try pretty hard not to show it but sometimes all I want to do is tell them to fuck off so I can go be alone. I also cant seem to shake the notion that im just being melodramatic because in some twisted way I want to be feeling like this. It would be nice to see somebody and actually find out if all of this is caused by a real problem I have or if this is just life, but the only way I think that wouldnt fuck up everything right now is if I could go without anyone else ever knowing.

[QUOTE=mecaguy03;52831807]Honestly I am starting to hate being around people who have their stuff together, it just reminds me more and more of some of the things I lack. I try pretty hard not to show it but sometimes all I want to do is tell them to fuck off so I can go be alone. I also cant seem to shake the notion that im just being melodramatic because in some twisted way I want to be feeling like this. It would be nice to see somebody and actually find out if all of this is caused by a real problem I have or if this is just life, but the only way I think that wouldnt fuck up everything right now is if I could go without anyone else ever knowing.[/QUOTE] As a depression sufferer myself I can relate to what you are saying. First, I would say No to comparing yourself to others, and just be the awesome person you are, regardless of whether you have your stuff together or not. Second, to the last sentence in your post, I watched a TED Talk yesterday that I would highly recommend watching it just for your sort of reply. [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eBUcBfkVCo[/url] I think it answers the question you asked.

Does anyone ever have problems buying clothes? I know this is going to sound really negative from my part, but I feel that most clothing stores I visit are aimed towards people who actually love themselves and don't have insecurities or mental problems that prevent them from looking at themselves in a mirror or a picture and feel alright with who they are. I don't feel alright with how I look like or who I am, so I never go to expensive stores and always avoid mirrors or seeing myself. I shop at discount stores and mid-range stores because they are always empty and they always sell plain looking clothes. I mean, here you just find normal looking clothes that won't grab people's attention but still look decent enough to wear outside, which is the kind of thing that I look for. When I'm outside I always feel paranoid of people judging me or paying attention to how I look like, so I always try to wear gray/black or neutral colors to avoid receiving attention.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;52835064]Does anyone ever have problems buying clothes? I know this is going to sound really negative from my part, but I feel that most clothing stores I visit are aimed towards people who actually love themselves and don't have insecurities or mental problems that prevent them from looking at themselves in a mirror or a picture and feel alright with who they are. I don't feel alright with how I look like or who I am, so I never go to expensive stores and always avoid mirrors or seeing myself. I shop at discount stores and mid-range stores because they are always empty and they always sell plain looking clothes. I mean, here you just find normal looking clothes that won't grab people's attention but still look decent enough to wear outside, which is the kind of thing that I look for. When I'm outside I always feel paranoid of people judging me or paying attention to how I look like, so I always try to wear gray/black or neutral colors to avoid receiving attention.[/QUOTE] I don't particularly enjoy looking at myself either. I tend to buy clothes only when I absolutely need them. Though, I don't buy dark clothes so as to avoid making my fat-ness obvious. My motivation for buying clothes from cheap stores is purely economics, though. Although, my sense of style is garbage, I have been stopped from leaving the house several times because I was 'too 90s'. Also, most people are so obsessed over themselves to the point they have no attention span left to focus on you, don't worry about wearing brighter colors.

[QUOTE=_charon;52823617]There is, yeah; have just had trouble finding an opportunity to see them. And thanks. [editline]26th October 2017[/editline] Yeah, I'm at Fanshawe. More interested in the 3D stuff, though first year isn't terribly focused on anything; took Computer Science at the University of Windsor before this, but found that while I liked programming, I was getting frustrated and anxious without doing any art stuff and it wasn't hands-on enough for me[/QUOTE] Nice, I'm at centennial doing software engineering tech. My main passion is 3D, but just hearing about how competitive the job market is with it I'd rather keep it as a hobby and build a safety net for myself. Luckily we're on facepunch, so we got lots of resources to make mods for games, fanart etc. Steam workshop was what first got me into it, and it branched into this big part of my life. Highly recommend you get into the steam workshop for 3D as it's really fun, can help you work on your portfolio and can possibly get you some money on the side.

im running on fumes. the last few months of my life has been constantly taking care of my mom who is suffering from chronic pain in her jaw and neck. I feel like I have to put everything I want to do, and my whole life on the backburner because of her needs. I feel guilty going out without her because she always complains about how she hates staying in but she's basically physically incapable of doing anything that lasts longer than half an hour on her feet, she can barely even ride in a car for longer than half an hour. She's spent the last 5 months on my couch despite the fact that she has an apartment in the same building, and she very rarely leaves and gives me alone time. I've had to pretty much adjust every part of my life to include my mom because her physical state has gone so downhill, and I feel like it's affecting everything. I feel like I need to drop out of school for her needs, and I feel like I can't succeed in school because I'm so depressed from being around her all the time. She's constantly depressed, and lately she has been constantly talking about how much her life sucks and how much she wants to kill herself, and as someone who occasionally gets suicidal thoughts this is playing hell on my emotions and general mood. I'm finding it difficult to control myself and get work done and I regularly feel hopeless, and as if nothing is ever going to get better. Every time she gets a treatment that works she becomes deeply depressed and irritated if it stops making her feel better after some time and I don't know how long this is gonna last, but i'm afraid of losing myself to her illness. I just want to feel like I'm in control of my own life again, like I can wake up and make a decision without having to worry about my depressed sickly mother

Gonna attempt to talk to my doctor. My boss is just completely breaking me down mentally

Does anybody here have experience with prozac? Not sure if it's the medication/anxiety talking but I have this severe sense of dread that I can't shake off. Like the type that makes you throw up. I don't think I'm gonna stick with one, but I'm running out of options to try.

what do you guys do when you feel fat?

I have to pay someone else's car insurance of $6000, I think this is grounds for suicide. I don't know what to do, that's all my savings gone and more. When things look up something bad happens. I'm completely speechless, I'm raging hard enough to burst a blood vessel in my brain.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52839377]I have to pay someone else's car insurance of $6000, I think this is grounds for suicide. I don't know what to do, that's all my savings gone and more. When things look up something bad happens. I'm completely speechless, I'm raging hard enough to burst a blood vessel in my brain.[/QUOTE] See if maybe you can't take a loan of some kind to pay it out, instead of using your savings. It'd be better to pay it in smaller more digestible payments rather than using your savings and having nothing to back up on.

Does anyone know of some kind of online counciling service? I’ve had shit event after shit event happen since about September, and I really don’t want to go down into a hole again.

[QUOTE=Redcoat893;52840149]Does anyone know of some kind of online counciling service? I’ve had shit event after shit event happen since about September, and I really don’t want to go down into a hole again.[/QUOTE] You would get far better advice and guidance from a session face-to-face.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52839377]I have to pay someone else's car insurance of $6000, I think this is grounds for suicide. I don't know what to do, that's all my savings gone and more. When things look up something bad happens. I'm completely speechless, I'm raging hard enough to burst a blood vessel in my brain.[/QUOTE] Don't worry man, it'll put up your premiums but it'll be your insurance company being the ones to pay out, and after a couple of years you'll get the no claims bonus thing back. You should probably get proper advice for this though. Life comes at you hard and at times it feels like it's really tryna kick the shit out of you when you're already down, but you can get up again and in a few years this'll just be a memory, might even turn into a valuable life lesson or some advice to pass on to others or even something you can have a laugh about (humour helps some with this shit). Don't suicide, you are far more than your bank account and life is more than a series of shitty circumstances, vaguely relevant ramble: [sp](and imo in most (all) cases you aren't to blame for what happens. Everything is a consequence of what came before: A word said badly or a mistake are a consequence of a misunderstanding or a lapse in concentration which in turn are a consequence of a lesson learnt badly or a bad nights sleep. We should be held to account but only because it helps society run, helps impress lessons upon us and helps with closure, it just has to be, I am a pretty hard determinist though and while that makes some stuff easier is has a whole load of issues of its own)[/sp] If you make a decision like that when you're feeling rough you'll jump to the most erratic and radical conclusions, you'll be thinking things you wouldn't otherwise be thinking if the situation were better; and the shitty situation you're in is strictly temporary. Imo peeps should only make decisions about suicide when they're happy and content, it's the only way for them to know if its truely what they want and not just the hurt, anger and pain hijacking and making bad decisions.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52839377]I have to pay someone else's car insurance of $6000.[/QUOTE] Did you not have car insurance or did the accident go over your coverage limits?

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52840517]Did you not have car insurance or did the accident go over your coverage limits?[/QUOTE]I'm haven't checked to see if my third party property will cover it because I've been working during the times the call centre is open, but I'm worried that my insurance next year will cost a heap more. [editline]1st November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52840186]Don't worry man, it'll put up your premiums but it'll be your insurance company being the ones to pay out, and after a couple of years you'll get the no claims bonus thing back. You should probably get proper advice for this though. Life comes at you hard and at times it feels like it's really tryna kick the shit out of you when you're already down, but you can get up again and in a few years this'll just be a memory, might even turn into a valuable life lesson or some advice to pass on to others or even something you can have a laugh about (humour helps some with this shit). Don't suicide, you are far more than your bank account and life is more than a series of shitty circumstances, vaguely relevant ramble: [sp](and imo in most (all) cases you aren't to blame for what happens. Everything is a consequence of what came before: A word said badly or a mistake are a consequence of a misunderstanding or a lapse in concentration which in turn are a consequence of a lesson learnt badly or a bad nights sleep. We should be held to account but only because it helps society run, helps impress lessons upon us and helps with closure, it just has to be, I am a pretty hard determinist though and while that makes some stuff easier is has a whole load of issues of its own)[/sp] If you make a decision like that when you're feeling rough you'll jump to the most erratic and radical conclusions, you'll be thinking things you wouldn't otherwise be thinking if the situation were better; and the shitty situation you're in is strictly temporary. Imo peeps should only make decisions about suicide when they're happy and content, it's the only way for them to know if its truely what they want and not just the hurt, anger and pain hijacking and making bad decisions.[/QUOTE]Part of the anger comes from the fact I'm being squeezed by a billion dollar corporation, the part is the fact they took 10 months to get back to me about it for no apparent reason. Money makes me feel in control, if I lose it I feel like I'm not in control of the situation. I can't deal with shit coming out of nowhere and biting me on the ass. People keep saying "that's life", well if that's life and then the only other option is death, death from bursting a blood vessel in my brain due to severe rage at my situation. I get so enraged by situations outside of my control, that I did something really immature and made this list of companies I'd like to get back at, as nutty as that sounds, because in my mind it's a game I've been forced to play and they're 50 moves ahead of me.

[QUOTE=Deadrights;52840917]Has anyone else just kinda given up? I dont have even the slightest clue what to do about my life so I've given up completely. I sleep for over 12 every day and spend my time awake in bed with my eyes closed hoping to fall asleep. I pass the time by fantasizing about doing mundane shit every normal person does every day like going to the grocery store. I've become so pathetic but I don't even care anymore.[/QUOTE] Don't give up. I've basically been in the same situation for the past 3 years, occasionally getting better and then getting worse. Depression and demotivation is hard to pinpoint, it has so many different causes. Genetic, social, dietary, autoimmunity. You need to treat it like a laundry list and give every little thing a try, but I promise eventually you'll find the root cause of your issue. I've been struggling with recovery after encephalitis from those 3 years ago, and even after healing my brain completely, even with taking antidepressants, even with exercising, even with getting my ulcerative colitis into remission, I couldn't get my thoughts right. Before all this I was a prolific (but reclusive) musician, I'd pump out dumb but fun music tracks every other day. It didn't matter if they sucked or not, I had fun in the moment, I got really into them emotionally and in a way it was therapeutic. In the last 3 years I had lost the energy and love for making music, and nothing I did could change that. You know what fixed it? Simply improving my diet, and adding a little more copper. Bam, like magic, back to the old me. All it took was 3 years of my life, thousands of dollars, and everything under the sun. The point is, you have no idea what dumb little thing you need to change about yourself, that will make you right again, but if you don't get out there and start trying, on your own initiative, you will never find it. Some people put all their faith into their doctor and wait and wait and wait and sometimes their relief never comes. Some people get out and exercise every day, eat right, take a moment for themselves away from the stress and troubles of the world and still don't find the root cause of their issue. Some people shove pills and supplements and all sorts of other dumb shit down their gullet and STILL don't get their escape from their personal hell. But if you try everything, every little thing, you WILL eventually find your root cause, your relief, your sanity and safety. You need to keep trying, everyone here, I promise, if you keep trying, if you keep pushing on and start looking at what you can possibly change about your life and what you do day to day, you will find the answer to your problems. I know it's rambly, but it's genuine advice. Everyone walks their own personal road of struggle and recovery, and it seems like a long one, and at times you can't see how long it is, but it does end. But you need to start walking it.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52840544]I'm haven't checked to see if my third party property will cover it because I've been working during the times the call centre is open, but I'm worried that my insurance next year will cost a heap more. [editline]1st November 2017[/editline] Part of the anger comes from the fact I'm being squeezed by a billion dollar corporation, the part is the fact they took 10 months to get back to me about it for no apparent reason. Money makes me feel in control, if I lose it I feel like I'm not in control of the situation. I can't deal with shit coming out of nowhere and biting me on the ass. People keep saying "that's life", well if that's life and then the only other option is death, death from bursting a blood vessel in my brain due to severe rage at my situation. I get so enraged by situations outside of my control, that I did something really immature and made this list of companies I'd like to get back at, as nutty as that sounds, because in my mind it's a game I've been forced to play and they're 50 moves ahead of me.[/QUOTE] Death isn't taking control of the situation. The same chaos is there just you got even less influence and you don't get enjoy the occasional cool thing that happens. When they show you a fast car or a £2000 quid watch its there to make you feel like you need that shit to be happy, you don't. You don't need their junk, you don't REALLY need all that much money to be happy, sure it helps with stability A LOT, but you can be happy on a modest salary. Don't worry about companies being ahead and stuff and don't let them control your happiness, them being 50 moves ahead is just how it is, its like when it rains while you're still 10 minutes walk from home, sucks but its just how it is, if theres nothing you can change then don't sweat it. I find humour or pity helps with this, you can laugh at the absurdity of it or pity the person who fucks people over just to meet quarterly performance kpis. a story about a dog: There is a dog that is leashed behind a moving cart, the cart will move regardless of the dog and the dog can choose to either fight the cart and be dragged through the mud or the dog can choose to move and live with ~relative freedom~ along with the cart. Like aging, why get angry about that? The world is the cart, you are the dog. You can choose to resist and live in denial and end up miserable or you choose to accept that's whats happening and get on with life. Thats not to encourage apathetic learned helplessness, you should do your best to make a difference for yourself and others, but don't let it get to you when it/if it goes wrong. I saw a cool thing a while back about apathy vs stoicism. Apathy says "they've launched torpedoes, I give up, we're gonna die", the Stoic says "they've launched torpedoes! fuck it, full speed ahead!" I know its a pain but you might need to adjust your "being in control" thing. I had a similar thing, also a strong belief in order (and still do to a degree) and it didn't/doesn't do me any good. Maybe put yourself into situations where you have no control, to train yourself. Or perhaps try and work out where you desire for control comes from, if you can address the root cause then perhaps it will alleviate the desire for control. Good luck with stuff robochimp [editline]31st October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Deadrights;52840917]Has anyone else just kinda given up? I dont have even the slightest clue what to do about my life so I've given up completely. I sleep for over 12 every day and spend my time awake in bed with my eyes closed hoping to fall asleep. I pass the time by fantasizing about doing mundane shit every normal person does every day like going to the grocery store. I've become so pathetic but I don't even care anymore.[/QUOTE] When you spend too long at home it can mess you up might help to get out and have a routine, something to get up for. a friend of mine goes for 30min-hour long walks every day. Keeps him in shape but more importantly it gives him a reason to get out of bed, get washed and dressed and leave the house. My bro does a similar thing with the gym. I think pets help with this, kids might help too (i don't have kids but I assume it forces you to do stuff). having nothing to do is horrid, at least when you're over busy and stressed its active, having nothing is a malaise that leaves you drained, depressed and thinking what could have been. I hope you can find a way to get motivated again.

I had a research informative speech for a college class today. It was about depression, and it was the hardest speech I've ever had to give, because each symptom and issue I had to talk about I would often draw it to myself in a way to make it personable to the audience. It was hard to look at an audience and say that the smile on someone's face can often be a facade to hide their pain when I was doing that exact thing. I feel awful, but I hope I opened some eyes.