Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52829439]Ok, so on your next meeting, make your goals clear. Is your end goal to be off medication entirely? Or are you looking to manage your symptoms better? If your doc is anywhere near competent they'll listen to what you have to say and form a proper treatment plan to help you accomplish those goals.[/QUOTE] I don't have another meeting, they're supposed to call me at some time this week hopefully. If not, I'm back to square one again. I need to be able to deal with life because I'm mentally and almost physically unable most of the time to deal with anything. I don't know if anyone is competent, there's not been consistency for anything to do with my mental health [editline]1st November 2017[/editline] I don't have an end goal because I don't have any reason to bother doing anything. I can think of something I'd like to do but getting there isn't going to happen and I know it can't. And no amount of wishful thinking will make it happen. I have MANY problems that I haven't had a chance to speak to a doctor about because there's not enough time in an appointment to do so. I've not solved a SINGLE problem for myself mentally or physically in the past 3 years.

Just had a panic attack for the first time in about a year. My mum overheard and sat next to me and helped me breathe through it. As I was about to go downstairs to thank her for helping me through it, I overheard her say to my cousin (who she gets along with moreso than me for some reason); "I have a psychotic daughter and I don't know how to cope." I'm sorry, what :what: [I]she[/I] doesn't know how to fucking cope? First off, she hasn't fucking been through the same as I've been through in my childhood and late teens, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I've reminded myself not to open up to [I]my own mother[/I] anymore if she thinks that way. Bitch. :goodjob:

I'm extremely disappointed with my school's mental health services. Once again, they don't have room for me. I can't pay for anything outside of the school either, too poor. I find it very frustrating to be paying for health insurance in my tuition and then to be told no, I can't use the services I pay for. [editline]31st October 2017[/editline] More than that, actually: the student health insurance is mandatory. So thank you, UCI, for forcibly taking my money for something you refuse to let me use.

I honestly should just hang myself at this point because I'm just sick of feeling like this. I hate being inferior, ugly, retarded and angry. I hate that I have nothing going for myself and I just hate my life in general. Nothing has changed and never will.

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52843218]I honestly should just hang myself at this point because I'm just sick of feeling like this. I hate being inferior, ugly, retarded and angry. I hate that I have nothing going for myself and I just hate my life in general. Nothing has changed and never will.[/QUOTE] You are nothing of those things, what makes you feel inferior? Is it your lack of confidence in yourself? Do other people have a say over what you do? Ugliness isn't something that is agreed upon globally, you can find yourself ugly and that's fine, in fact I would say most people believe themselves that they are ugly, I certainly do, but I have a beautiful GF and I obviously didn't get her by being ugly and yet if you saw her you might think she is ugly where as I do not. So being ugly is different for everyone and it's common to think that about yourself. I'm not even going to mention the retarded comment but I am fairly sure you meant a different word. Why are you angry and what is making you angry? If it something that you can get out of your life or control? If so then you should take steps to do that, even if it means that you have to sacrifice something along the way. Sometimes there are things that are out of your control, an example that would make someone angry is that they don't get paid enough for their job and yet they feel like they deserve more. While you can't control your boss to pay you more, you can control the situation you are in and tell yourself you are better than that and deserve more money. At the end of the day you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Don't try to live life like other people would want you to, it's just not the case. I'm here for you man, and if you ever need anything I'll be around.

[QUOTE=Xenophobia;52843905]Tried to kill myself by overdosing on antidepressants a while back, but I got afraid, panicked and ended up calling 911. Been spending the last two weeks in a psychiatric ward not allowed to go outside or do anything at all besides eating, sleeping and showering really. I'm technically admitted by free will, but I've been told that if I tried to push for a release, I would be admitted against my will because the risk of me trying to do it again is deemed to high. They've been giving me something called electro convulsive therapy during my stay here, but I doubt this last resort method will help either. I just can't see myself ever being happy, not because i have some kind of mental disorder or a deficiency in my brain. I just can't see myself being happy in this world, ever. No psychiatric help, medical treatment or pills will change my opinion on how I see the world. The world is such a fucked up place, and sometimes I think I'm the only one who realizes that, or at least that I'm the only one who can't just ignore it and move on with my life. The moment I've tricked these people into letting me out of this place I'm going to make sure I do something permanent. Something I can't regret in the middle of the process, like throwing myself in front of a bus, or hang myself or something. I'm just so fucking tired of all the ugliness in the world and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.[/QUOTE] You're not the only one man, sure plenty of people see a p grim place, but its just the cards we're dealt. Sounds harsh but it sounds like they're keeping you in there for your own safety. The world may change, it may not but you can change your perception and reaction to that perception, sure it sucks and its ugly as fuck but if you learn to live with it and appreciate the nicer things when/if they occur then it might not be quite so bad. Don't give up on the world and don't give up on yourself, easier said than done tho

Just found out that I *might* be able to keep my home but it's still super uncertain for how long so I'm on pins and needles. Ontop of that found out my dog (10-11 years) has some kind of cancerous growth forming on his tail and the top of his head so trying to figure out how to handle that. Bunch of minor shit keeps piling up the second I think I have a "break" and it's making me want to give up overall, like there's just no point. Hell I don't even know why I come back to facepunch when a good portion of the dudes here generally dislike me for whatever reason and get super hostile. Been around for almost 8-9 years so I guess it's just Stockholm syndrome or something.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52841029]Death isn't taking control of the situation. The same chaos is there just you got even less influence and you don't get enjoy the occasional cool thing that happens. When they show you a fast car or a £2000 quid watch its there to make you feel like you need that shit to be happy, you don't. You don't need their junk, you don't REALLY need all that much money to be happy, sure it helps with stability A LOT, but you can be happy on a modest salary. Don't worry about companies being ahead and stuff and don't let them control your happiness, them being 50 moves ahead is just how it is, its like when it rains while you're still 10 minutes walk from home, sucks but its just how it is, if theres nothing you can change then don't sweat it. I find humour or pity helps with this, you can laugh at the absurdity of it or pity the person who fucks people over just to meet quarterly performance kpis. a story about a dog: There is a dog that is leashed behind a moving cart, the cart will move regardless of the dog and the dog can choose to either fight the cart and be dragged through the mud or the dog can choose to move and live with ~relative freedom~ along with the cart. Like aging, why get angry about that? The world is the cart, you are the dog. You can choose to resist and live in denial and end up miserable or you choose to accept that's whats happening and get on with life. Thats not to encourage apathetic learned helplessness, you should do your best to make a difference for yourself and others, but don't let it get to you when it/if it goes wrong. I saw a cool thing a while back about apathy vs stoicism. Apathy says "they've launched torpedoes, I give up, we're gonna die", the Stoic says "they've launched torpedoes! fuck it, full speed ahead!" I know its a pain but you might need to adjust your "being in control" thing. I had a similar thing, also a strong belief in order (and still do to a degree) and it didn't/doesn't do me any good. Maybe put yourself into situations where you have no control, to train yourself. Or perhaps try and work out where you desire for control comes from, if you can address the root cause then perhaps it will alleviate the desire for control. Good luck with stuff robochimp [/QUOTE]Thanks for that (not sarasm) , I understand what you're saying, I and don't know why brain is wired that way, but it's hard to explain. It's like everything has to be with certain tolerances for me to be happy. If I think something is unjust, I can handle it, I can understand why's causing this ego/wanting to be in control. It's like there's this feeling that if everything isn't ok, I'm uneasy. This week got even worse, one of my friends said "I complain too much" and blocked me on facebook because I had a bit of rage fit when discussing the issue in a group chat, I can't understand why being negative towards myself makes him so mad, I don't get it. I know you don't have to help, but you've been pretty good, so thanks.

Anyone have any experience quitting a video game addiction? How'd you do it?

[QUOTE=shrinkme;52846616]Anyone have any experience quitting a video game addiction? How'd you do it?[/QUOTE] I quit WoW after 3 years of playing daily. I realized that not leaving my room or house was making me insanely depressed and unmotivated to do anything, luckily my parents made me pay more rent which forced me to get a job and I can't thank them enough for it. It's just a case of willpower of not wanting to play the game anymore, at the end of the day it should be a hobby not a lifestyle choice and it is just a game it doesn't really have any value to it at all.

I don't get it I can go from feeling physically drained and having a very pessimistic state of mind to feeling the exact opposite over just a few days

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52844505]I mean to be perfectly fair, its pretty hard to be a parent to someone who's having any form of issues (mental health, physical health, etc etc). My son has autism, and fuck me its difficult sometimes. That's not an excuse to be a shitty parent, and i'm not making excuses for your mother, but I'm offering you a view of the other side. Its so hard to see your kid suffer, and know you cant do a damn thing about it, other than keep doing what you're doing. This is your flesh and blood, your closest family, and they're suffering, and the best you can do is watch, and offer some words of advice when the time comes. Its fucking heartwrenching sometimes.[/QUOTE] Yeah I understand that, it's just that she claims that she has suffered with depression for like 6 months when she and my dad split well over 10 years ago, and she throws my mental health in my face by saying that. :what:

[QUOTE=autodesknoob;52839057]what do you guys do when you feel fat?[/QUOTE] Without joking, I work out. Not only it help to become thinner, but it also make you have a nice feeling of tiredness.

My family got a divorce a year ago and my father hooked up with some prostitute that's as old as i am. Their child was born a week ago. My father ran off with that chick that's the same age as me and had a child a week ago. My girlfriend left me on the beginning of October 2017 but she keeps saying that she loves me and that she cares about me. But she hasn't contacted me at all in the past 2 days. She kept saying that she has autism and PTSD because I threatened her while drunk a week after our first breakup in June of 2016. She says she still loves me and cares about me is what she said but I don't know what to do. I can't even work on a source engine mod which I got a license for because of this. I'm trying to take Xanax and diazepam and alcohol to try to end this. She said I'm the only friend she had before she stopped answering my emails a week ago. I don't know what to do other than flying to the US and try to talk to her. I don't know what to do. [editline]2nd November 2017[/editline] I tried committing suicide 2 days after visiting the in the US (a day before October 1st) because she said everything that happened during my visit or our entire relationship was fake. I downed as many meds a i could in my house but they pumped my stomach and I ended up in a mental asylum for 2 weeks. They diagnosed me with borderline Personality Disorder. She didn't even believe me that I tried committing suicide. I don't know what to do any more. [editline]2nd November 2017[/editline] I think killing myself properly this time is the only proper option because I can't escape her She loved everything I loved. And it keeps reminding me of her.

I feel constantly like my heart is gonna stall. I'm always tired and I'm afraid I won't wake up anymore. I deeply regret not continuing with working out and staying healthy. I'm used to eating pastries and beef patties, I don't feel satisfied when I eat anything else.

i legitimately dont know if i can get even close to being able to be like a regular productive person within the next few years i dont know if i can get an even relatively simple job so that i can maybe move into my own apartment and have something other than f.e. an almost 8 year old cpu in my gaming computer and a monitor that doesnt fry its own electrics i dont know if i can recover from having missed out on 5 years of education because ive been completely unable to bring myself to do schoolwork since year 6, despite lots of pressure all because of my own mind none of my mental issues have been caused by environmental factors. f.e. i have never been abused theres just been something in the depths of my subconscious that has in a way disabled me i really dont know if i can have something even barely resembling a normal life and thinking about it feels so draining

[QUOTE=The golden;52849375]Update on this: I have looked into things a lot as well as done a lot of self-reflection on myself and my past. I have come to the conclusion that I have mild ASD (autism). Now that I know what things to look for it has become painfully obvious. It explains so many things including a large reason why my previous relationship failed, my everyday behaviors, strange body movements I make, etc. I'm so confident on this that I aim to push for a formal diagnosis when possible. I have been searching for these answers for over 10 years. So many memories of things I did as a child and I never knew why.[/QUOTE]Do you have that problem I do sometimes when you're in a conversation and you're thinking of the general context of something rather than the context relative to the conversation?

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52849918]I mean she's searching for common ground, it sounds like. It doesn't sound like, from the things you've posted, that your mother is throwing anything in your face (at least, on purpose), it sounds more like she's trying to do the good mom thing. [editline]2nd November 2017[/editline] What sounds like a good idea now is a poor idea in the long run my friend. I'm not going to sugar coat this because, quite frankly, you need to hear this: You've pinned your hopes and dreams on a single person, Humans are fallible, they make mistakes, they suffer from problems, they're broken, beaten, and battered. So you pinned your hopes on someone and they let you down, then you've got to move on man, and I know what you're thinking "but corn, she was my everything". And you're probably right, she was your everything. But not anymore. Now you're your own everything. After a bad break up, I liked to take some time to just, re-get-to-know me. Take stock of my assets (financial, physical, personal), take stock of my talents, take stock of my ultimate goal, and then get back to living my life. She loved everything you loved, and that's great, but at the same time there are billions of other people on the planet, and i'm willing to bet that someone else loves the same things you love as well. Try out some new experiences, MOVE if you have to, just get out and see what life has to offer, because, from the sound of it, you're not too happy with where you're at in life. I mean, what do you have to lose?[/QUOTE] I still have her to lose. She keeps saying that she loves me.

[QUOTE=The golden;52850037]Sometimes. Or I will just glaze over certain parts of the conversation or it will go completely over my head if humor is involved. Or if there is too much noise I likely won't even hear the conversation because I can't separate it from the background noise. Or I'll just melt the fuck down. :v:[/QUOTE] I get this shit too, I have a really hard time hearing stuff and a hard time keeping up with conversations. Bad times

[QUOTE=danielmm8888;52850344]I still have her to lose. She keeps saying that she loves me.[/QUOTE] I'm not in a too different situation myself. I've been meaning to post about it but I don't want to essay. Corn is right, you can't pin your happiness on her. You have to live for yourself, not for other people. It feels so fucking hypocritical of me to say this because I've done the absolute opposite. If you go day after day worrying over your future with her then you'll just hurt yourself. I say this because it's what I've been doing for so long. It hurts so fucking bad. But if you can give yourself the chance to move forward then it'll just be a bad memory to think back to in the future. I'm not saying that you even have to leave her, but you have to stop depending on her. Going by how you post I assume you have a ton of stuff flying through your mind, you're repeating your past events with her, thinking about the things she said and how it doesn't match up with how she acts, you worry and re-think it over and over. All I can say is get help, see a psychiatrist and ask them to teach you how to manage your thoughts and feelings. There is real help for this, there are many well-established methods for this so don't feel like it's all over. It looks dark now because you're wearing a mental blindfold.

My thoughts always get to me around 6PM and until I go to bed. Prior to that, I'm somehow content with my life but as soon as its getting a little late I become very reflective of everything going on in my life. It becomes so difficult to watch a show or play games because the thoughts are overriding everything I do. I think I'm as unhappy as I am because of how isolated I've become over the past year. Previously when I've had no friends to turn to, I've always had my family right outside my bedroom door or some online friends I could chat up any time. I still felt lonely but at least I had people to talk to which helped me not overthink it too much. If not that, I could always join in here on the forums or play stuff like Space Station 13 which is fairly social. Now I feel like I've lost all of that. I don't live at home anymore and since I got myself a girlfriend, I managed to distance myself a fair bit from online friends, games and this community. Because of that I feel like I've lost a lot of my social skills both on the internet and real life which just makes it worse since I participate less and less. Facepunch used to be a place to post and talk to other people but nowadays I'm just here because I don't know what else to do. Mindlessly browsing thread after thread without gaining any satisfaction at all, just filling me up with emptiness. I wish I posted more but since I'm not as active as I once were, I rarely know what to post anymore. Instead, all I feel is anxiety about posting because I'm scared that I'll come off as self centered, boring, inappropriate, weird, and the list goes on. Which extends to chats as well. All I usually come up with is replies to what I'm asked so conversations never last long. I desperately need people to talk to but my social skills have practically been erased :(

Dad will be in hospice care within two weeks. This is it.

is it possible that taking vitamin d supplement meds that are maybe too strong can be what has made my emotions take an absolute nosedive in the last month

I don't think I've ever brought any value into anybody's life I don't deserve life

[QUOTE=cynaraos;52852833]is it possible that taking vitamin d supplement meds that are maybe too strong can be what has made my emotions take an absolute nosedive in the last month[/QUOTE] From what I've read up on there's no real link between vit D overdosage and psychological effects but it's a really easy thing to just have it checked out so why not if you're worried about it.

[QUOTE=jiggu;52853206]From what I've read up on there's no real link between vit D overdosage and psychological effects but it's a really easy thing to just have it checked out so why not if you're worried about it.[/QUOTE] I'm definitely going to get it checked as soon as possible it's just that my emotions going haywire coincided with starting on them the ones I were prescribed were described as very strong, which is why I think it might have something to do with my emotions

[QUOTE=cynaraos;52853224]I'm definitely going to get it checked as soon as possible it's just that my emotions going haywire coincided with starting on them the ones I were prescribed were described as very strong, which is why I think it might have something to do with my emotions[/QUOTE] I actually took a human nutrition class recently and still have some of my notes; the side effects of too much vitamin D are mostly physical. I say "mostly" only because there could be other side effects that we just didn't study. Vitamin D supplements are usually prescribed in a manner that you won't go over your upper limit (the point where having too much of a vitamin becomes toxic to your body).

Might be the wrong place, how to sleep? I was awake at least 17 hours today I just woke up after 2-3 hours, it sucks. I have some melatonin but I don't want to use it its more for changing your routine not using as a long term sleep aid

Oh jesus, two of my old coworkers graduated, moved away, and got married like 2 or 3 months ago. Today the husband got in a motorcycle accident and died. Knew the wife a lot better, but god damn man, you just never know. The weirdest thing is how... clear I feel about all of this. It feels so strange to feel like this,after just being in a rut for so long. There's change coming. I dunno, it's insane.

Welp, all those plans to get out of this place went up in smoke. I guess I better accept this is my life now. So I guess in this timeline I either commit suicide, take up a drinking/smoking/ect habit just to get through, or magically get all better and do what I want to do in life. Hah what am I thinking, that last thing never happens. Happy endings are only in watered down fairy tales. I'm back to the mindset of 'born, suffer, die is the reality of life'.