Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I often fall under the belief that my friends and family are against me or hate me and would like to get rid of me, like, I always imagine some very complex schemes in which people do things to purposelly ruin my life or get in my way. A friend always tells me that these are just paranoid thoughts I'm having and that the events that I imagine are not real. But it's hard for me to convince myself when they're not because I have legit been in situations where people have gone out of their way to hurt me or do things against me. Honestly, these type of thoughts and feelings are turning into a huge burden on me because there are moments where I feel that I can no longer live in peace. I always feel as if everyone was paying attention to me and thinking negatively of myself and whenever something goes wrong I believe it's the result of that.

I've started smoking again to remind me that I'm still alive and don't have the right to take my life because there are people who like it for some reason. My new SSD arrived so when I get home it'll be back to Guild Wars 2 and podcasts while waiting for response from job offers and/or some kind of a change in life (likely to be in the form of eviction notice at some point because student apartment and got kicked out of university few months ago). If I get a job before likely eviction notice I'll try and find a new apartment in the city, but if I don't I'll probably move at my grandma's or something back in the town I was born and lived most of my life in, leaving behind my only two friends who I interact with and the therapist/psychologist/whatever I talk with.

I've had a very peculiar couple of hours just now that stirred all sorts of things in me. The crux of it is my ex made contact with me, saying her ex (that is to say, the boyfriend after me who is now also an ex) has barged into her house while she was sleeping, tripping on acid, and begging her to take him back and all that and being generally volatile. She asked me to come get her out of that situation because she had no idea what to do herself or how to get him to go away, and didn't want to stay in her house with all those negative vibes. So I did get there, and I got her out of that situation. Took her to buy some bananas (she's a fruitarian vegan so this is the ultimate cheer up), then brought her back to my place so she could calm down and relax a bit. But her presence here, combined with the emotional and physical detachment between us since we're not together anymore and I haven't quite gotten over it as much as her, set of a nasty bomb of repressed emotions in me and I ended up on the verge of tears (as a master of the art of repressed emotions I never really get beyond "on the verge of tears") and really choked up and shit. Made for a very awkward thought for me as in getting her out of one messy situation I put her into another one, only with me instead of a deranged balls-tripping lunatic. I arranged for her to get back home safely and now I'm sitting here, but I have no one to confide with. My go-to person to confide with and talk to throughout the last ~quarter of my life has been her and almost nobody else, and I obviously can't turn to her when the emotional storm I'm thundering in is directly related to her. I need to get new people into my life and shed the old skin, but I don't know how. It's like I'm stuck. I know it's all in my head, but that's the tune buzzing inside. I guess that's why I find myself typing this out here in the thread, not very usual for me. I'm still on that verge of tears, and it's getting hard to breathe. I'm simultaneously amused and horrified by my complete lack of any sense of self-preservation around this person, doing things I know will end up bad for me because my very strong instinct is to always help her out of whatever trouble she's in. Feels so strange to type all of this out, I almost never give this information out to anybody but now I'm posting it in a public forum.

[QUOTE=Bertie;52855769]I've had a very peculiar couple of hours just now that stirred all sorts of things in me. The crux of it is my ex made contact with me, saying her ex (that is to say, the boyfriend after me who is now also an ex) has barged into her house while she was sleeping, tripping on acid, and begging her to take him back and all that and being generally volatile. She asked me to come get her out of that situation because she had no idea what to do herself or how to get him to go away, and didn't want to stay in her house with all those negative vibes. So I did get there, and I got her out of that situation. Took her to buy some bananas (she's a fruitarian vegan so this is the ultimate cheer up), then brought her back to my place so she could calm down and relax a bit. But her presence here, combined with the emotional and physical detachment between us since we're not together anymore and I haven't quite gotten over it as much as her, set of a nasty bomb of repressed emotions in me and I ended up on the verge of tears (as a master of the art of repressed emotions I never really get beyond "on the verge of tears") and really choked up and shit. Made for a very awkward thought for me as in getting her out of one messy situation I put her into another one, only with me instead of a deranged balls-tripping lunatic.[/QUOTE] Ex breaks into her house while tripping and is acting violent and she would rather call you then the cops? She doesn't want you there as a witness, doesn't want to file a police report and doesn't want the cops involved? You sure that's her ex and not her fiance or something?

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52855810]Ex breaks into her house while tripping and is acting violent and she would rather call you then the cops? She doesn't want you there as a witness, doesn't want to file a police report and doesn't want the cops involved? You sure that's her ex and not her fiance or something?[/QUOTE] He was acting volatile, not violent, and he was in immense emotional anguish. If he does it again and I hear about it, the cops will hear about it too. In the meantime he's just a poor guy who made a bad call in his own desperation, I'm not throwing him under the bus yet.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;52854218]I often fall under the belief that my friends and family are against me or hate me and would like to get rid of me, like, I always imagine some very complex schemes in which people do things to purposelly ruin my life or get in my way. A friend always tells me that these are just paranoid thoughts I'm having and that the events that I imagine are not real. But it's hard for me to convince myself when they're not because I have legit been in situations where people have gone out of their way to hurt me or do things against me. Honestly, these type of thoughts and feelings are turning into a huge burden on me because there are moments where I feel that I can no longer live in peace. I always feel as if everyone was paying attention to me and thinking negatively of myself and whenever something goes wrong I believe it's the result of that.[/QUOTE] Have you thought about talking to a professional or a close friend more specifically about this? Don't feel like you're alone in those feelings. A lot of people feel like imposters, it seems like it's a lot more common than people believe.

I still think the cops should be called. For the break in and because hes that desperate and probably suicidal if the consequences of breaking into someones house doesn't phase him. Sorry, I misread volatile.

I'm addled by everything I'm feeling. I think I'll be fine. Just please remember that you all have people who care for you. Their feelings are real and tangible. You are not a burden.

I'm about to lose my home, my girlfriend and me are on a rocky road, almost all of my friends have left me, and I can barely sleep anymore. I'm so tired. I want to give up. I can't remember the last time I cried like this. I just can't keep fighting anymore.

Welp. I've proven yet again I'm a garbage person who can't fucking do anything right. Got yelled at again for fucking up yet again. Got the 'youve worked here years, you shouldn't be messing up'. The more I fuck up the more it feels like killing myself is a net positive. I had to go to my car so I don't stare at the oven cleaner or other chemicals...

I've been trying to keep myself busy with so much because if I stop working I just start to feel terrible. At least I'm getting things done, but I still can't help but feel that it's sad that I have to constantly keep myself occupied so then I don't start to feel low. I don't know if it's just part of being an adult or what, but it shouldn't feel I like have to be an workaholic just to feel okay. Sometimes I just get burnt out on everything altogether and become restless which makes the burnout worse. Today's my day off and I don't feel like I can take a break, even after doing so if I hit a wall in my effort. At least things [I]are[/I] getting done which is a big change from nothing at all. Depression sucks obviously, but still. Fuck it.

I wrote a long post on Reddit about my current situation. I'd like to share it here, too. I just need to finally get this off my chest. [img]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DN5cnEhVAAEtrlr.jpg:large[/img]

tfw borderline personality disorder ruins another one of your relationships, it's so controlling and always takes me down the wrong path :cry:

Asking for a friend: (legit) I met a guy I know while I was out on friday, he's always seemed jolly enough but while on the night out he sorta had a break down after revealing he had some cocaine. He said that he hates himself, thinks of suicide and that he's weak (for taking coke and smoking to deal with his mums death). His sister doesn't know about the coke and neither do lots of his friends and he's mega ashamed of it and embarrassed to let anybody know. I tried my best to reassure him that it's not a terrible thing to take drugs and that getting over your mums death is hard and that all his friends love him and will be there for him regardless of the drink and drugs, and that we (I was with 2 others) don't judge him for it. I said he should go to see a doc but he said he doesn't want to go on anti depressants. What other advice can I give? Like in the UK who can he talk to regarding the cocaine to help him A) stop hating himself B) give him a healthier way to deal with grief C) help him stop hating himself/going so hard on himself This is UK so numbers/agencies here would be most useful. cheers

Counselling seems like a good option for him to help get over the death of his mum, the real problem obviously lies with the drugs though. If he is using them as a way to help him deal with the death of his mother then it's just a temporary fix that will lead to addiction (if it hasn't already) which will eventually kill him or make his like even more miserable than it is now. I haven't lost a parent, and I can't even being to imagine that it feels like to, he obviously needs help with overcoming that before he deals with the drugs. Go to counselling to help deal with the trauma and then focus on eliminating the drugs from his life, you might find that the first thing deals with the second thing.

I think I'm gonna give up on searching for an IT job for good and just stick with an ordinary job as before. Hadn't had any luck in getting hired no matter how many companies I've sent to. Worst of all since I never got such a job, I don't have the certain experience needed on my resume and most jobs aren't even entry level here. All the intentions I had to start up an indie company has failed, the publishers I signed with for a remake project ultimately failed after several retries, including our own game we tried pitching to publishers, nothing. My freelance works were mostly just local shit that used to be okay but it's not working out anymore. Ultimately I fucked up because I wanted to do something big and something I always wanted, but it backfired. I just want to move away from all this noise and just have a steady ordinary job. Can't afford to do anything but that with my current health condition. I'm just tired of everything. It's just not worth fighting for.

Depression's been hitting me pretty hard recently and I have no idea why

[QUOTE=atrblizzard;52862459]I think I'm gonna give up on searching for an IT job for good and just stick with an ordinary job as before. Hadn't had any luck in getting hired no matter how many companies I've sent to. Worst of all since I never got such a job, I don't have the certain experience needed on my resume and most jobs aren't even entry level here. All the intentions I had to start up an indie company has failed, the publishers I signed with for a remake project ultimately failed after several retries, including our own game we tried pitching to publishers, nothing. My freelance works were mostly just local shit that used to be okay but it's not working out anymore. Ultimately I fucked up because I wanted to do something big and something I always wanted, but it backfired. I just want to move away from all this noise and just have a steady ordinary job. Can't afford to do anything but that with my current health condition. I'm just tired of everything. It's just not worth fighting for.[/QUOTE] I am interested to hear what kind of games you wanted to create if you don't mind.

[QUOTE=SweetShark;52862885]I am interested to hear what kind of games you wanted to create if you don't mind.[/QUOTE] Besides the remake for Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines which got C&D'd a few years ago and have been trying to work it out with the new IP holders, but without disclosing too much, after all the attempts it failed. You'd understand why if you look at who is the publisher behind it. There was also between those attempts, when I had a small team of roughly 16 people at the time wanted to work on a Hunter game based off of World of Darkness where you fight vampires and other supernatural creatures, on which we worked for months doing the pitch, outline for the story, tech demos and prototypes with the staff team members, which we also had it sent to publishers like Paradox, which they declined due to their own genres, with a minor exception since they bought the WoD IP. Problem was that the pitch we had for the game turned out to be super ambitious and not being able to secure a publisher, it was ultimately shelved. We also had the option to turn it into a multiplayer online game similar to Left 4 Dead, but we felt it wouldn't gain too much interest from the public (eg. Nosgoth). This is when the majority of the teams fell apart and went back to their day jobs. So between trying to pitch other various game ideas, we began pitching to publishers something at a smaller scope and more indie than previous attempts. You can read about the game at [url=https://forums.tigsource.com/index.php?topic=63068.0]TIGSource[/url]. But these attempts let us super burned out, especially on my end trying to call all the shots and manage the projects. Most of the team gave up on it at the Hunter project, so this small game is really made between friends, except they can do only much with their limited time. Securing a publisher is really hard, most of them don't even reply back, to at least give you some feedback with the pitch. We don't have a track record or are an established studio, which makes it even more difficult to find some funding. Wouldn't mind to secure some funding just for the prototype so we can have something presentable for the publishers to show. I think the reason why I started having anxiety attacks is partially because my passion is just too strong on game development and I kept trying to follow through the games I always wanted to do which took a toll after so many failed attempts. Even if I can't find any C# programming or web development jobs, game development has become my true passion in these past few years. It's hard to let go. I'm ultimately disappointed in the incubator program we have here, they claim to help with local start ups and funding indie games but get no feedback from them. Going back to the remake, that is something I wanted to do a lot because it's a rare opportunity, been involved with that project for years, which resulted into some serious sacrifices to be made. The "what if it happens now" kept me on working freelance gig in case it'd finally happen. That's what you get from doing something you are passionate about and outside of the common job choices.

Today is the second day in a row that my roommate has locked herself in the bathroom to cry. I feel absolutely awful, but she doesn't want to talk. I'm not really sure what to do.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52863863]Today is the second day in a row that my roommate has locked herself in the bathroom to cry. I feel absolutely awful, but she doesn't want to talk. I'm not really sure what to do.[/QUOTE] Don't push things, if they aren't ready to talk, don't force them to and give them some space.

I've got no job, no friends, no-one I can honestly talk to about stuff, I'm hyperventilating while typing this, I've thought about ending it all for the first time in a long time, I don't want to go down this road again, I don't know what to do.

[QUOTE=Redcoat893;52865096]I've got no job, no friends, no-one I can honestly talk to about stuff, I'm hyperventilating while typing this, I've thought about ending it all for the first time in a long time, I don't want to go down this road again, I don't know what to do.[/QUOTE] I know this might sound negative but what is the reason for you having no job? I'm saying this purely because there are tonnes of jobs out there that granted aren't exactly the best but they are still a job and weirdly even if you are in a job you might hate or a job that you think you won't like, it will give you a social aspect of your life where you can talk to people and make friends. When you are in the position you are in, everything is easier said than done and I wouldn't expect you to be able to just change at the flick of a switch but when it comes down to it the only real person that can help you, is you. Don't dwell on not having a job or friends, find out why you don't have those things and target that for a solution.

[QUOTE=Redcoat893;52865096]I've got no job, no friends, no-one I can honestly talk to about stuff, I'm hyperventilating while typing this, I've thought about ending it all for the first time in a long time, I don't want to go down this road again, I don't know what to do.[/QUOTE] I'm sorry :( Is it possible to talk to someone in your family maybe, about these struggles? I don't know how your situation is, but if you feel like you're in a position where getting a job or maintaining friends feels close to impossible then maybe it's wise to focus on smaller goals for now? Find out what bothers you in your day-to-day life (hygiene, tidiness, lack of exercise, bad diet) and start there instead. You don't need massive goals just yet, just some smaller goals you can accomplish just to prove to yourself that you CAN do it. For every little goal completed, the rest gets a little easier :)

[QUOTE=Shendow;52865230]Asking this for an online friend (really). He's about to get kicked out of home by his parents because he's unable to go to college due to a recent surgery, despite having a doctor's note. He also has trouble dealing with depression (although he's unsure if it's depression). I'm not sure if there's anything I can do for him because he has suicidal tendencies and is just about done getting ready to get kicked out. Because I don't know how mental issues are treated in his country I couldn't really provide much help besides offering a ear in case he wanted to vent, but every time he refused.[/QUOTE] At this point directing him to a suicide hotline, if there's anything of the sort, in his country, may be a good idea. If there are no other services available he might be able to make use of without paying, he's unfortunately going to be in for a very bad time.

[QUOTE=Shendow;52865230]Asking this for an online friend (really). He's about to get kicked out of home by his parents because he's unable to go to college due to a recent surgery, despite having a doctor's note. He also has trouble dealing with depression (although he's unsure if it's depression). I'm not sure if there's anything I can do for him because he has suicidal tendencies and is just about done getting ready to get kicked out. Because I don't know how mental issues are treated in his country I couldn't really provide much help besides offering a ear in case he wanted to vent, but every time he refused.[/QUOTE] If you truly believe the he is suicidal then I would agree with Zonesylvania and try to point him to the direction of professional help. If he has had recent surgery and can't go to college because of it surely his parents would understand that? Seems like bad parenting to me, which is pretty much out of everyone's hand except theirs. It's a bit of a sticky situation for him which is awful, and I would hate to be in the place. Does he have any friends he can confide with about things like this? Other than yourself.

[QUOTE=Shendow;52865279]He's already had a history of not going to school due to moving around a lot and other personal issues tied to depression. Unfortunately his parents are a bit out of touch and they aren't exactly on good terms with him. Even more so because his family doesn't believe in mental conditions. I'm not aware of any friends he has in real life as he spends most of his time online, but even then he has a hard time talking about himself to me and is resistant to any kind of professional help.[/QUOTE] Well being online there isn't much else you can do except talk to him and try to advise him on what to do. I will never really understand people that don't "believe in mental conditions" those people seem pretty simple minded, pain isn't just a physical thing and they won't understand that until something happens to them mentally. All you can really do is try to reassure him that everything is okay, but truthfully I think anyone that doesn't get along with their parents are always going to have issues with their mental health. I know it's shitty, but what else can you do, it's horrible to say but it's pretty much out of your hands.

[QUOTE=Clive;52865295]Well being online there isn't much else you can do except talk to him and try to advise him on what to do. I will never really understand people that don't "believe in mental conditions" those people seem pretty simple minded, pain isn't just a physical thing and they won't understand that until something happens to them mentally. All you can really do is try to reassure him that everything is okay, but truthfully I think anyone that doesn't get along with their parents are always going to have issues with their mental health. I know it's shitty, but what else can you do, it's horrible to say but it's pretty much out of your hands.[/QUOTE] It's even no use telling them that mental agony triggers the same bits of the brain that activate when you experience actual, physical pain. You don't just tell somebody to "harden the fuck up" and denigrate mental illness as being something for pussies. I hope Shendow's friend makes it somehow, no matter the odds.

[QUOTE=Clive;52865143]I know this might sound negative but what is the reason for you having no job? I'm saying this purely because there are tonnes of jobs out there that granted aren't exactly the best but they are still a job and weirdly even if you are in a job you might hate or a job that you think you won't like, it will give you a social aspect of your life where you can talk to people and make friends. When you are in the position you are in, everything is easier said than done and I wouldn't expect you to be able to just change at the flick of a switch but when it comes down to it the only real person that can help you, is you. Don't dwell on not having a job or friends, find out why you don't have those things and target that for a solution.[/QUOTE] I was working retail until a couple of months ago, but I had 3 consecutive days where every single customer was a absolute cunt, I've applied to a couple of places but one of them kept messing me around, saying they would call me back next week for several weeks, so that's not helped. I was planning on joining the Army next year (haven't had a bout of depression or anxiety in a long time), but after today I'm not quite sure, I'm going to try and get a appointment with a private councillor with some of the savings I've got, see if that helps. [QUOTE=PredGD;52865155]I'm sorry :( Is it possible to talk to someone in your family maybe, about these[/QUOTE] Not really, my mum suffers with depression, and I can't really talk to her at all, and my dad lives halfway across the world, and basically doesn't understand anxiety/depression (when I had pretty bad anxiety when I was 15 or so he called me weak and useless, stuff like that), and I'll keep the rest in mind, cheers. Thanks for the kind words, I think it was just a bad panic attack, been going downhill for a couple of months so should have seen the signs, like how everything seems worse when you're panicking, and I haven't had one in a long time so didn't realise it. Now that I've had a cuddle with the dog and made some (burnt) food, I think I'll be semi-okay.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;52865305]It's even no use telling them that mental agony triggers the same bits of the brain that activate when you experience actual, physical pain. You don't just tell somebody to "harden the fuck up" and denigrate mental illness as being something for pussies. I hope Shendow's friend makes it somehow, no matter the odds.[/QUOTE] It's just hard for me to conceive when people like that try to get their point across of "mental issues aren't real". It's just beyond baffling.