Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Pascall;52869408]I know where I'll be moving already, so that's not such an issue. It's really just the struggle of trying to find a job that will help me make enough to actually DO the move. No matter where I go, it's gonna cost a bit to actually move my stuff out there since I'm probably not gonna be able to roadtrip it by myself and my car is too small to fit all of my things. And then once I'm there, I'll need to have the deposit for wherever I decide to lease. I don't need to be making $17/hr but something around $12-13 like at least 30 hours a week is preferable lol. Otherwise I'm not gonna be making enough to affect much of anything. That and I've worked in food service before and they're not very lenient on needing frequent breaks to sit because of my disability. I've been looking for more of an office environment for that reason. BUT ANYWAY, I'm honestly just not wanting to go BACKWARDS following graduation. I know I'm not gonna find my dream job or anything but I'd rather find something that'll at least be somewhat marginally friendly to my health lol. Although since making that post I applied to like 4 other places that I might be a good fit at so I'm hoping to keep looking for things on that vein and hopefully get a call back from someone. Thanks for the encouragement tho~[/QUOTE] Im sorry if i sound patronizing at all, im pretty poor at establishing tone through text and i know i probably sounded preachy there. Ive been lurking this forum since the orange box came out and even though weve never really interacted, ive always known you to be a good person and i know youve been through a lot. I firmly believe motivated, good people like you can do whatever you want given the right mindset, so again keep that chin up!

i try way too hard to self-insert and get engrossed in stories/games to escape reality and then I am left with an utter disappointment and snapback when the game/story is over. while the escapism is normal, I do it at every chance I get and I really shouldn't, fuck

[QUOTE=Catscratch;52871715]i try way too hard to self-insert and get engrossed in stories/games to escape reality and then I am left with an utter disappointment and snapback when the game/story is over. while the escapism is normal, I do it at every chance I get and I really shouldn't, fuck[/QUOTE] You could try playing games with a fixed protagonist and see if it helps stop how this feels

[QUOTE=Mentlegen;52857612]I'm about to lose my home, my girlfriend and me are on a rocky road, almost all of my friends have left me, and I can barely sleep anymore. I'm so tired. I want to give up. I can't remember the last time I cried like this. I just can't keep fighting anymore.[/QUOTE] Me and my girlfriend broke up tonight. It's still kind of ambiguous but it's obvious that it's happening. She said I wasn't making her happy. That I was a sweet guy but that I deserved better than her. It hurts to hear I wasn't making her happy. I know I'm frustrating and annoying. I know I don't know how to talk in a way that makes sense. I can't hear right and you need to repeat yourself a lot. I know you think I don't listen to you but I just can't remember anything no matter how hard I try to. I really do try to remember. It's all of my personal failures wrapped up into one big mess. I just wanted to make her happy and I couldn't do that. I'm a failure.

[QUOTE=Mentlegen;52872089]Me and my girlfriend broke up tonight. It's still kind of ambiguous but it's obvious that it's happening. She said I wasn't making her happy. That I was a sweet guy but that I deserved better than her. It hurts to hear I wasn't making her happy. I know I'm frustrating and annoying. I know I don't know how to talk in a way that makes sense. I can't hear right and you need to repeat yourself a lot. I know you think I don't listen to you but I just can't remember anything no matter how hard I try to. I really do try to remember. It's all of my personal failures wrapped up into one big mess. I just wanted to make her happy and I couldn't do that. I'm a failure.[/QUOTE] Listen fam, i know its a really bitter pill to swallow but maybe its just how its gotta be. Youre not a failure in the slightest. Were talking about two infinitely complex biological machines here, the idea that it doesnt work out with someone is just natural. obviously your feelings are valid, sadness is an intuitive reaction but dont let it become self detrimental confusion. Trees grow, the sun rises, everything continues. Take your time to confront your emotions just keep in mind that all we can do is learn from the past. [editline]9th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Catscratch;52871715]i try way too hard to self-insert and get engrossed in stories/games to escape reality and then I am left with an utter disappointment and snapback when the game/story is over. while the escapism is normal, I do it at every chance I get and I really shouldn't, fuck[/QUOTE] Have you ever considered doing writing prompts? People who can immerse themselves in fiction easily are super creative thinkers and maybe you just need a place to vent that creativity. I firmly believe that the world of imagination is as important as reality.

[QUOTE=DiscoInferno;52869883]"Selling magazine subscriptions"[/QUOTE] I was expecting to say Magic, but also good answer.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52869418]Well, what would you like to do? Assuming you had infinite time, money, and effort, what would you do with those things? [/QUOTE] I thought long and hard about this last night (and have been thinking long about a similar thing for a while) I typed up a reply on my phone but I wasn't happy with it, either it's too short and misses the context or it's too long and ends up a ramble. Also some bits which are probs best not shared/talked about since they make me feel dark. What I will say is I used to have desires and aims, when I was young they were lofty and ambitious, after I failed uni they were more humble, I wanted to make a game. Now I'd like to travel but my problem, me, would be going with me anyway. I think the cause of this might be my inability to stick to and complete any one thing, after noticing a common pattern that I start and never finish anything I must have started believing that I'd never finish, or achieve, anything and maybe its fear of failure thats holding me back. I still try things, like I was making a website but never finished and ran out of motivation before finishing. Before that I was trying a web based strategy game but I got so bogged down with the networking side of it I eventually lost interest, before that it would be some other project like a mod for a game or a weak ai t produce human sounding text (you see the sophistication/complexity of the projects going down over time?). It does feel like every started (and never finished) project leaves me with slightly less self belief. Maybe I do want to do stuff but I don't want to admit it to myself because it'd be opening myself up to another round of failure. Also worth mentioning I'm sort of a toxic perfectionist. I'm ambivalent and tolerant in flaws in others but to things I make and to myself I'm pretty harsh. A habit I need to lose but I'm not really sure how. If I won the lottery I'd probably travel a bit (maybe with friends), start a games company (more to hire people who actually know how to finish stuff and I'd be the ideas guy who pays the bills), give some money away and probably carry on with my normal job because peeps there need me. I wouldn't move away from my area because I don't wanna lose the few people I still know here. Money wouldn't solve my whole social issue thing, unless it somehow helped me achieve things boosting my confidence, giving me interests again so I feel like I'm an interesting person who has stuff to talk about, maybe money would help! time to go win the lottery

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52872576]I thought long and hard about this last night (and have been thinking long about a similar thing for a while) I typed up a reply on my phone but I wasn't happy with it, either it's too short and misses the context or it's too long and ends up a ramble. Also some bits which are probs best not shared/talked about since they make me feel dark. What I will say is I used to have desires and aims, when I was young they were lofty and ambitious, after I failed uni they were more humble, I wanted to make a game. Now I'd like to travel but my problem, me, would be going with me anyway. I think the cause of this might be my inability to stick to and complete any one thing, after noticing a common pattern that I start and never finish anything I must have started believing that I'd never finish, or achieve, anything and maybe its fear of failure thats holding me back. I still try things, like I was making a website but never finished and ran out of motivation before finishing. Before that I was trying a web based strategy game but I got so bogged down with the networking side of it I eventually lost interest, before that it would be some other project like a mod for a game or a weak ai t produce human sounding text (you see the sophistication/complexity of the projects going down over time?). It does feel like every started (and never finished) project leaves me with slightly less self belief. Maybe I do want to do stuff but I don't want to admit it to myself because it'd be opening myself up to another round of failure. Also worth mentioning I'm sort of a toxic perfectionist. I'm ambivalent and tolerant in flaws in others but to things I make and to myself I'm pretty harsh. A habit I need to lose but I'm not really sure how. If I won the lottery I'd probably travel a bit (maybe with friends), start a games company (more to hire people who actually know how to finish stuff and I'd be the ideas guy who pays the bills), give some money away and probably carry on with my normal job because peeps there need me. I wouldn't move away from my area because I don't wanna lose the few people I still know here. Money wouldn't solve my whole social issue thing, unless it somehow helped me achieve things boosting my confidence, giving me interests again so I feel like I'm an interesting person who has stuff to talk about, maybe money would help! time to go win the lottery[/QUOTE] Re: Creative Processes [video=youtube;90GoN-boXo0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90GoN-boXo0[/video] The beauty of travelling, particularly alone, is you free yourself from your ego somewhat. When you're not around all the people who "know" you and all their expectations, you have a lot more freedom to act as you choose with [I]anyone[/I] you meet on the way. It's important to me to have that as an aspect of one's personality regardless of the scenario - Who you "are" is always in flux, but people get uncomfortable when whatever you're doing is "out of character" cause you no longer fit in the box they made for you, and you just gotta learn to say fuck em. Bit of a tangent here but some of the biggest self-imposed limitations I've had are those based on other peoples' expectations of me.

I woke up 7pm today and it makes me feel like a failure in life. All I've been thinking about since I woke up half an hour ago is how much better off I was just a year ago. I used to have friends, I went to parties, I worked out and had a great routine in my life. All of this is gone now and I've sort of returned to the situation I was in before I was put in a psych ward - total isolation. Part of me is afraid that maybe that's what got me back up on my feet last time, maybe I'm not capable of turning things around on my own once it gets bad enough? I'm torn between two sides for every decision I make. A part of me really wants to get better, to get out there and just solve this once and for all. The other part however, just wants to wait [I]one[/I] more day and isn't as motivated to fix this as the other part. Every night I usually start thinking about how I'm gonna do great tomorrow, how I'll wake up on time, get in the shower, get myself some breakfast and get things done. Once tomorrow arrives, I sorta look away from my thoughts and responsibilities and subconsciously pretend they're not there. As soon as I feel like it's too late to do any of the stuff I planned the night before, the self pitying starts since I finally focus on what I really need done. And the circle starts over. It's much easier to think that I'll do all of this stuff in the future than it is to actually get it done. I think what's holding me back is that I feel like if I'm first gonna do the right thing, I better do it perfectly. For example with showers, if I don't shower in the morning then I might as well not shower at all. Something inside me tells me that if I don't do it this way then it won't really be beneficial either, gotta go hard or go home. Even if I do manage to wake up early enough to consider showering "worth" it, the excuses usually comes too. "You just woke up, no need to stress into the shower!" so I don't and instead sit down in front of the computer and "conveniently" forget that I was supposed to shower in the first place. Help? How do I get out of this mindset? I feel as if I can noticeably see my mental health deteriorating for every single day that passes

-snip- needed to auth my discord acc

[QUOTE=PredGD;52873520]I woke up 7pm today and it makes me feel like a failure in life. All I've been thinking about since I woke up half an hour ago is how much better off I was just a year ago. I used to have friends, I went to parties, I worked out and had a great routine in my life. All of this is gone now and I've sort of returned to the situation I was in before I was put in a psych ward - total isolation. Part of me is afraid that maybe that's what got me back up on my feet last time, maybe I'm not capable of turning things around on my own once it gets bad enough? I'm torn between two sides for every decision I make. A part of me really wants to get better, to get out there and just solve this once and for all. The other part however, just wants to wait [I]one[/I] more day and isn't as motivated to fix this as the other part. Every night I usually start thinking about how I'm gonna do great tomorrow, how I'll wake up on time, get in the shower, get myself some breakfast and get things done. Once tomorrow arrives, I sorta look away from my thoughts and responsibilities and subconsciously pretend they're not there. As soon as I feel like it's too late to do any of the stuff I planned the night before, the self pitying starts since I finally focus on what I really need done. And the circle starts over. It's much easier to think that I'll do all of this stuff in the future than it is to actually get it done. I think what's holding me back is that I feel like if I'm first gonna do the right thing, I better do it perfectly. For example with showers, if I don't shower in the morning then I might as well not shower at all. Something inside me tells me that if I don't do it this way then it won't really be beneficial either, gotta go hard or go home. Even if I do manage to wake up early enough to consider showering "worth" it, the excuses usually comes too. "You just woke up, no need to stress into the shower!" so I don't and instead sit down in front of the computer and "conveniently" forget that I was supposed to shower in the first place. Help? How do I get out of this mindset? I feel as if I can noticeably see my mental health deteriorating for every single day that passes[/QUOTE] Important thing is to acknowledge you can't be perfect at everything, even the things you're good at, if you want to make things better for yourself. Also, you need to force yourself to do what you gotta do even if you're afraid to do it, or want to avoid those responsibilities. If you can't do it by yourself, try getting help from others to get motivated enough. Simply thinking "i have to do things perfectly" isn't going to help matters, humans are imperfect and often make mistakes. Too much perfectionism is its own disorder in that regard. Based on this I'd strongly suggest a re-evaluation at a psych's, because the progress you made's gone just so far backwards.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;52873876]Important thing is to acknowledge you can't be perfect at everything, even the things you're good at, if you want to make things better for yourself. Also, you need to force yourself to do what you gotta do even if you're afraid to do it, or want to avoid those responsibilities. If you can't do it by yourself, try getting help from others to get motivated enough. Simply thinking "i have to do things perfectly" isn't going to help matters, humans are imperfect and often make mistakes. Too much perfectionism is its own disorder in that regard. Based on this I'd strongly suggest a re-evaluation at a psych's, because the progress you made's gone just so far backwards.[/QUOTE] I agree, think I just gotta learn to not be perfect. Regarding psychs and that stuff, I feel kinda uncomfortable around them at the time being. One of them who is currently working with me gets easily annoyed when I'm too anxious to do stuff and it stresses me out. She has gotten mad at several occasions before and its something that hurts a lot considering she's there to help me, not get mad at me for fucking up. My psychologist isn't as bad but I can tell she's kinda impatient as well. Things are rough right now and I can't always meet the expectations of those who work with me and it's really stressful to worry about this on top of everything else. I should probably ask for a new team around me but at the same time it isn't easy to stand up alone and tell a total of 3 people who all seem frustrated and disappointed with me that I want someone new.

[QUOTE=PredGD;52874162]I agree, think I just gotta learn to not be perfect. Regarding psychs and that stuff, I feel kinda uncomfortable around them at the time being. One of them who is currently working with me gets easily annoyed when I'm too anxious to do stuff and it stresses me out. She has gotten mad at several occasions before and its something that hurts a lot considering she's there to help me, not get mad at me for fucking up. My psychologist isn't as bad but I can tell she's kinda impatient as well. Things are rough right now and I can't always meet the expectations of those who work with me and it's really stressful to worry about this on top of everything else. I should probably ask for a new team around me but at the same time it isn't easy to stand up alone and tell a total of 3 people who all seem frustrated and disappointed with me that I want someone new.[/QUOTE] Then you need to find somebody who's more patient with you then. Finding the right doc can take a deal of shopping around, especially these days when docs can get impatient af with their patients (no pun intended.) Doctors also take pride in their work, even the mediocre ones, so it's taken as something personal if they, their methods, or both, can't get through to somebody. Maybe they're approaching the problem from the wrong direction or are too hidebound by established methods.

I'm having a severe breakdown right now and have no idea what to do. I usually had those when I got drunk all the time but even now that I'm sober I'm beginning to get them. I don't know how long I can make it until I eventually kill myself.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52874840]Have you spoken to a professional? If you're having severe issues, contact your local emergency services (911/999/what ever your country uses) and get brought to an ER, they have medications that can manage these things, and can consult you to a proper physician.[/QUOTE] I already have a therapist and I've already been on SSRI's for quite a while, nothing seems to help.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52874907]NOT MEDICAL ADVICE: Then perhaps SSRI's aren't the drug you need? I had a post last page that really explained things like SSRI's in more detail, but perhaps you need something like an SNRI, or other options. Again, not medical advice, just a general observation.[/QUOTE] I agree, definitely don't give up. I know somebody who took 8 years to get a good combo, but now they're doing great. Bodies are weird.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52875136]Its not so much that bodies are weird, more "bodies are complicated". Different medications do different things, and elevate/depress certain chemicals in the brain. An SSRI only affects serotonin, which is great, but serotonin isn't the only chemical related to mood, and if it's not the problem then no amount of SSRI will fix it.[/QUOTE] I know there are different types, I've been through this before and have tried multiple different categories, which is why I agree that somebody shouldn't give up, because there are so many options. I'm saying they're weird in the context of their responses to different chemicals.

I'm feeling really down. It's nice to know that my old community could accurately predict my diagnoses in 2006 and I never believed them. I wonder how different things would be today if I had just taken a leap of faith back then and got assessed and diagnosed.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52875175]I mean, it doesn't matter about the "woulda, coulda, shoulda", what matters is that you did. Is your treatment going well?[/QUOTE] No. My therapist just confirmed the diagnoses that the hospital gave me in February. I'm on multiple medications and while there have been promises of getting me down to 1 wonder pill I have my doubts about that. I think the most amazing thing about all this is despite how zombified I feel on these drugs I'm still super depressed all the time.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52875215]What all have you been taking? What have you been doing for management, besides medication?[/QUOTE] I'm currently on two antipsychotics, two mood stabilizers and prazosin for sleep. What would you suggest for management?

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52875237]I'm currently on two antipsychotics, two mood stabilizers and prazosin for sleep. What would you suggest for management?[/QUOTE] Mindfulness meditation, being aware of yourself on a fundamental level is not only great for your psyche, but the increase in grey matter associated with self awareness is directly linked to a decrease in brain mass associated with stress [editline]9th November 2017[/editline] Dont let anyone tell you it's about 'clearing your mind', thats bullshit and impossible without a lifetime of training. Learn to hyperfocus on each thought that comes to mind, picture where the thought comes from and where it can go, then focus on the simple mechanism of 'in through the nose, out through the mouth'. once yiuve trained yourself to respond to that process you'll start realizing you do it subconsciously, Let the 'bad' voice in your head speak, and understand that its simply that. Its not you, its just a part of your brain everyone has [editline]9th November 2017[/editline] For a great way to combat lethargy and anxiousness, i strongly suggest taking 200 mg of l theanine and 100mg of caffeine. you can find both of these in natural supplement form and as much as i hate to push 'wonder' solutions, i can promise you that literally anyone will notice a direct increase in productivity and a sharp downturn in stress in your life. Ive never felt better since trying this.

I should go back on SSRIs, I'm just worried about about everything all the time and I have that sort of 'anything could go wrong' feeling and that 'Nothing I do will make a difference' feeling

SSRIs didn't work for me so they put me on SNRIs and the side effects, if I forget to take it for one day, are absolutely horrible. 10mg escitalopram -> 75mg venlafaxine, my doctor tried to put me on bupropion but I told him I wasn't going to take it.

I'm on venlafaxine and bupropion. Biggest thing for me was time, I felt weird as fuck for the longest time on them but eventually I pulled through.

Now here's a post I've thought about making for a long time, and here goes: Past fifteen years have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. I was bullied at school, then found a friend who accepted me as who I was, then he had suicidal thoughts, which he didn't commit to. I sent a few texts to him at the time and tried to call him to no avail, but he then showed up on my doorstep just to hug me. We were best friends ever since, until we graduated from high school. After that I was in the army for a a year, and during that time one of my squadmates died due to meningitis, which I took quite hard at the time, and so did other members of our squad. I then wrote and gave a speech during his funeral, and her sister then later said that she kept it and read it almost every day. Feels nice to have accomplished something that makes others cope with something terrible. After that I started studying, met a girl, dated her for six months until she said that she couldn't find time for us, and she started dating another guy the next summer, so I'm calling bullshit. Then, a year later dated another girl, again for six months, until she left me because I let her down in a moment when she really needed me. Which was my plan to dump her. Yes, that makes me a horrible person. After that my dad met someone else, or rather, sparked up something from his youth again, and as a result my parents ended up divorcing. Moved into a rental apartment of my own, and forgave the bully that bullied me before in grade school. We have spent many nights drinking together and made more friends through that. Since then I've been single, graduated, tried dating a few time only to be disappointed, found a job, went to a two week business trip to Canada due to that, and last summer I met with more friends, got a crush with one, never told her (there's still a chance to do so), and she's stated that as soon as she graduates she'll leave this city. I've also started to drink more, and during the weekends I feel like shit, drink, regret it the next day, drink again, rinse and repeat. Why I've been single since 2013? I don't have game. I've never spent much time outside home so I don't know how to approach people. Being ugly doesn't help at all in that regard. I've considered suicide more than once but in the end I have enough of will to live that I won't do it, and never will. Goddamn, this felt good to write.

Whenever I’m going through a small downswing with my depression, I figured out that if I take a nap, I end up having dreams that are either just strange or are downright nightmares. Idk what it is, sometimes I remember them and when I do I try to tell my friend about it. And sometimes I know they’re clearly coming from a place of stress. But sometimes like today, it wasn’t a scary dream or anything. It was just eerie and almost oppressive. I don’t know why. Kinda wish I knew someone who was good at dream interpretation lol.

whatever is going on in your life now will come and go. the future will happen without the loved ones and friends you have lost. i have come to bring a message of hope and happiness for everyone from the year 2027. on this day today the facepunch time capsule 2027 was sent on a one way ticket to the future. [url]https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1582082[/url] Joy exists only in self-acceptance. Seek perfect acceptance, not a perfect life. [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Being a big dumb goober and spamming threads." - Pascall))[/highlight] [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Actually, you know what, nah." - Pascall))[/highlight]

[QUOTE=Pascall;52877904]Whenever I’m going through a small downswing with my depression, I figured out that if I take a nap, I end up having dreams that are either just strange or are downright nightmares. Idk what it is, sometimes I remember them and when I do I try to tell my friend about it. And sometimes I know they’re clearly coming from a place of stress. But sometimes like today, it wasn’t a scary dream or anything. It was just eerie and almost oppressive. I don’t know why. Kinda wish I knew someone who was good at dream interpretation lol.[/QUOTE] Would you be comfortable describing what your remember here? im by no means an expert but ive done a good amount of reading on dreams and i try to pick apart any dreams i hear about for deeper meaning

I went off my antidepressants. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it wasn't. My mood is lower for sure, not really motivated to do much hobby-wise, but funnily enough I've been doing more housework lately, despite being a sad sack of shit. My girlfriend noticed I've been distant but is also appreciative of me actually doing housework for once. I'm not that keen on taking antidepressants anymore. They haven't really done much for me at all. They made me "happier", but not more fulfilled. I still avoided commitment, I still didn't want to go to my job, I still sat in front of the computer just waiting for nothing. They just made me complacent. Content. The days were just flying by, this whole year has fucking flown by me and I didn't even care. I didn't do any of the things I set out to do, though a lot of it was because of atrocious health at the start of the year that's kept lingering around. It just felt like they were masking the problem. The issues are still there, I just let them pile up in my head. I didn't actually deal with them like I should have. I kept taking pills to escape from the reality of the situation. Even while I was on the antidepressants I knew that I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, hell what I needed to do. I just, didn't care, and it really fucking sucked. I guess I'd rather be a sad sack of shit who feels something than somebody that feels nothing and does nothing. It's not going to be a fun year next year, but I can't keep lying to myself and trying to hide away from my brain telling me something is wrong, something deeper.

I can't take this anymore. I can't stand my work. I can't. I can't. Please make it stop. Please. Help me. I hate my life. I just want to be happy. Please. Anything. Anyone. Please.