Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Weirdness;52879510]I went off my antidepressants. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it wasn't. My mood is lower for sure, not really motivated to do much hobby-wise, but funnily enough I've been doing more housework lately, despite being a sad sack of shit. My girlfriend noticed I've been distant but is also appreciative of me actually doing housework for once. I'm not that keen on taking antidepressants anymore. They haven't really done much for me at all. They made me "happier", but not more fulfilled. I still avoided commitment, I still didn't want to go to my job, I still sat in front of the computer just waiting for nothing. They just made me complacent. Content. The days were just flying by, this whole year has fucking flown by me and I didn't even care. I didn't do any of the things I set out to do, though a lot of it was because of atrocious health at the start of the year that's kept lingering around. It just felt like they were masking the problem. The issues are still there, I just let them pile up in my head. I didn't actually deal with them like I should have. I kept taking pills to escape from the reality of the situation. Even while I was on the antidepressants I knew that I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, hell what I needed to do. I just, didn't care, and it really fucking sucked. I guess I'd rather be a sad sack of shit who feels something than somebody that feels nothing and does nothing. It's not going to be a fun year next year, but I can't keep lying to myself and trying to hide away from my brain telling me something is wrong, something deeper.[/QUOTE] That's exactly how I feel. Stopped taking my anti-depressants a few months ago, and while I definitely have lows and dips that the pills were probably helping, I feel more alive if that makes sense and I feel an urge to actually do something about my life situation because I'm not as okay with it.

I need to avoid work when sick. I am literally unable to cope while sick. I really need to quit, but basically, I can't. I mean. I could but then I literally would have to give up moving out. I'd basically be a ticking time bomb of sucide at that point for being a failure.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52876416]Did SSRI's help with that?[/QUOTE] Yeah, but at the cost of my sex drive. [QUOTE=Weirdness;52879510]I went off my antidepressants. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it wasn't. My mood is lower for sure, not really motivated to do much hobby-wise, but funnily enough I've been doing more housework lately, despite being a sad sack of shit. My girlfriend noticed I've been distant but is also appreciative of me actually doing housework for once. I'm not that keen on taking antidepressants anymore. They haven't really done much for me at all. They made me "happier", but not more fulfilled. I still avoided commitment, I still didn't want to go to my job, I still sat in front of the computer just waiting for nothing. They just made me complacent. Content. The days were just flying by, this whole year has fucking flown by me and I didn't even care. I didn't do any of the things I set out to do, though a lot of it was because of atrocious health at the start of the year that's kept lingering around. It just felt like they were masking the problem. The issues are still there, I just let them pile up in my head. I didn't actually deal with them like I should have. I kept taking pills to escape from the reality of the situation. Even while I was on the antidepressants I knew that I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, hell what I needed to do. I just, didn't care, and it really fucking sucked. I guess I'd rather be a sad sack of shit who feels something than somebody that feels nothing and does nothing. It's not going to be a fun year next year, but I can't keep lying to myself and trying to hide away from my brain telling me something is wrong, something deeper.[/QUOTE] I feel so much more motivated on them, I can do tutorials, I just have to find one that doesn't take away my sex drive. If I want to get work done I need to be one them. [QUOTE=Pascall;52877904]Whenever I’m going through a small downswing with my depression, I figured out that if I take a nap, I end up having dreams that are either just strange or are downright nightmares. Idk what it is, sometimes I remember them and when I do I try to tell my friend about it. And sometimes I know they’re clearly coming from a place of stress. But sometimes like today, it wasn’t a scary dream or anything. It was just eerie and almost oppressive. I don’t know why. Kinda wish I knew someone who was good at dream interpretation lol.[/QUOTE] I can't tell if they're depression related or not though, but you can't imagine the weird depression dreams I've ad and they all seem to almost take place in the same 'world/place' with different scenery. The last one [sp] was this lady with bandages over her face trying to whisper something, but there was this slit in her neck with a face inside, then an arm come out and it's hand made this "shhhh" gesture over the lady's mouth. [/sp] Do your dreams seem to be part of the same place with different scenery? Some of them I've been able to trace back to certain memories that are part of different train of thought which isn't in my current short term memory.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;52879540]That's exactly how I feel. Stopped taking my anti-depressants a few months ago, and while I definitely have lows and dips that the pills were probably helping, I feel more alive if that makes sense and I feel an urge to actually do something about my life situation because I'm not as okay with it.[/QUOTE] Depression isn't fun but in small doses I genuinely think it's healthy. It forces you to look inwards and ask yourself tough questions about where you are, where you're going, what you're going to do to get there. If you're forcing yourself to be happy all the time, you never actually develop as a person. There's that old quote from Bob Ross about light and dark, and it definitely rings true, at least to me. In your darkest place you see all your flaws and failings, and when the light returns, you have the energy and focus to make the changes you desperately need. Of course, for a lot of people the depression never subsides. I don't think antidepressants are the cure though, just a temporary fix to a long term problem with a bunch of problems that itself brings along in the long run. It's not fun to piss away time trying to find the root cause of the issue. There's so many things that could be wrong. Degenerative brain disorders, dietary issues, gut health, unresolved relationship issues, shit work life, money problems. I can see the allure to taking antidepressants to pull you out of the shit long enough to have the motivation and energy to tackle the real problem, but like I just spent doing for most of this year, most people treat it as the cure and not just an assist to truly find and tackle what's really going on. And the longer they stay on them, the harder it becomes to stop. [editline]12th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;52879569]I feel so much more motivated on them, I can do tutorials, I just have to find one that doesn't take away my sex drive. If I want to get work done I need to be one them. [/QUOTE] At the very beginning they helped give me energy to try new things with my drawing, but that passed quickly enough. That's the big issue with them: you're forcing your brain to hold onto more of those neurotransmitters, but your brain isn't stupid. It will reduce the number of receptors to protect itself from becoming too excited and damaging itself, and the longer you take them, the lower and lower they'll get, until you reach a baseline that's no better than before you started taking them. I don't think no one should ever take antidepressants ever, they're incredibly important in treating depression, but they're not the cure. If you're not careful, when you DO actually come off them, you could find yourself on yet another long journey as you wait for your receptors to repopulate, and the depression that comes with that is just as bad as the depression that came before the antidepressants.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;52879590]At the very beginning they helped give me energy to try new things with my drawing, but that passed quickly enough. That's the big issue with them: you're forcing your brain to hold onto more of those neurotransmitters, but your brain isn't stupid. It will reduce the number of receptors to protect itself from becoming too excited and damaging itself, and the longer you take them, the lower and lower they'll get, until you reach a baseline that's no better than before you started taking them. I don't think no one should ever take antidepressants ever, they're incredibly important in treating depression, but they're not the cure. If you're not careful, when you DO actually come off them, you could find yourself on yet another long journey as you wait for your receptors to repopulate, and the depression that comes with that is just as bad as the depression that came before the antidepressants.[/QUOTE]How do you allow the receptors to repopulate? Also what works for motivation?

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52879623]You don't. Your brain has to re-adjust to the old levels of serotonin. You can't speed this process up by any chemical means.[/QUOTE]Now you've got me worried because I did go off them very suddenly last time. That was zoloft.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52879613]How do you allow the receptors to repopulate? Also what works for motivation?[/QUOTE] Time. It's why the longer you take them the bigger the risk you put on your receptors reducing. For motivation, I know exercise gets repeated a lot but there's a reason some people chase the runners high. It improves circulation to the brain and increases neurogenesis, it boosts neurotransmitters naturally, it gets you up and about, gives you a feeling of control in your life, and trains you to keep a schedule, which bleeds into other aspects of your life. Getting away from the computer helps a lot. If you're not careful you can fall into the pit of just mindlessly browsing websites and impulsively reloading pages over and over waiting for something new that piques your interest. Hell, I've been binge watching Bojack Horseman (probably the worst thing to watch while depressed) just to have time away from the computer. I will admit though, if you can handle some of the heavier topics it brings up, it's a very cathartic experience for someone, almost feels like therapy but you don't need to talk; you just watch them suffer through the same shit you're going through. It's great for releasing pent up emotions. [editline]12th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;52879650]Now you've got me worried because I did go off them very suddenly last time. That was zoloft.[/QUOTE] Don't be dumb like me and go cold turkey, taper off them over a good solid month or so. If you do, make sure to exercise during. It will help your brain immensely while it adjusts. [editline]12th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;52877904]Whenever I’m going through a small downswing with my depression, I figured out that if I take a nap, I end up having dreams that are either just strange or are downright nightmares. Idk what it is, sometimes I remember them and when I do I try to tell my friend about it. And sometimes I know they’re clearly coming from a place of stress. But sometimes like today, it wasn’t a scary dream or anything. It was just eerie and almost oppressive. I don’t know why. Kinda wish I knew someone who was good at dream interpretation lol.[/QUOTE] I'm lucky I almost never remember having any dreams. I just fall asleep and then wake up. Probably for the best. My entire childhood was marred by incredibly vivid, lucid, mentally scarring nightmares that I still remember down to every detail. Probably the worst was getting mummified by a reel of VCR tape and stumbling into the living room where my family was moments ago to find no one, then having the sound of screaming and wailing come from every room as the whole house gets darker and darker until I wake up. I genuinely don't miss that shit. I don't know why I had such horrible nightmares as a kid.

Ok so I don't know why I want to elaborate on something I said earlier in this chat. Maybe to explain how broken I am. [QUOTE=nagachief;52805411]I do have a risky and socially horrible solution that is basically a crapshoot if I'll be happy or not, but considering the miserable state I'm in, it feels like a somewhat valid option.[/QUOTE] Spoilering because it's sensitive and not a topic I'm fully comfortable talking about, but I should stop being cryptic as it's not helpful. [Sp] A friend of mine after a had a meltdown to him and my feelings offered to take me in as a house 'kobold' to help me. Basically, I give up Independence and control over my life and body in return for housing, a diet controlled strictly by him, and a sense of purpose. All I have to do is do chores, clean, and permanently give up consent to him and his housemates at all times. You can understand why I said risky and essentially socially unacceptable. It would allow me to focus on creating things and not have to worry about money ever again, though.[/sp] I think I've lost my mind though. Talking about very sensitive things to strangers. But i just had to say something. Maybe so someone can tell me how dumb and dangerous it is. To tell me that I should be independent and not do that to myself. Idunno.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52879731] I'm going to be flat blunt about what you've spoilered: That's the worst idea i've ever heard. Ever. In the history of bad ideas, that's up there at like number 3. Seek ACTUAL help, don't go to a "friend" who would "help" you by completely fucking you over like that. If your in that severe of a place then you need to report to an emergency room, not a "friend" who's looking to prey on your weak moment in order to gain an effective slave..[/QUOTE] Thank you, I needed someone to tell me how awful of an idea it was. I have difficulties believing myself.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52879780]Thank you, I needed someone to tell me how awful of an idea it was. I have difficulties believing myself.[/QUOTE] Speaking of terrible ideas what exactly does "give up consent to him and his housemates" mean.

Yeah if your friend is suggesting that to you, he’s trying to take advantage of you. Don’t do that.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52879829]only to realize that the damage is done, and then you're institutionalized. Forever. [/QUOTE] Depression [b]CAN[/b] lead you into medication and therapy, possibly for the rest of your life. This idea your friend is giving you, [b]WILL[/b] lead you into medication and therapy for the rest of your life. Probably to the point where you'll need to be on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and you will suffer severe mental damage (PTSD in people like that is not uncommon.) As someone on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, you don't want to be in my position. I promise you that, the side effects are innumerable, the medication is costly, and frankly, it's all not very effective. Don't willingly put yourself in a position like that.

Your friend's a [I]nut[/I], by the way. I would probably never actually talk to them again.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52879731] NOT MEDICAL ADVICE: Sounds to me like you didn't have physiological depression, you have psychological depression. In this case, no amount of drug is going to actually fix the problem, the problem is in your head and the only way to fix that is to start talking to someone, and start doing things.[/QUOTE] This is the world I've lived in for my whole life. I could never actually go on Anti-depressants for longer than a couple of months due to side effects that topped any sadness I felt. Learning to live with the little monster in your head who thinks literally everything is shit is a hard thing to do, but it does get easier.

Yeah, I probably need more help than just therapy at this point... Thanks for reassuring me he IS crazy and dangerous. I don't know why I don't trust my own thoughts though. I am fully aware I am very vunerable and easily fooled. I have on multiple occasions fallen for in-person scams. Bad meat from solicitors with a emotional story and a 'homeless guy who needed money' who came into my work come to mind. I lack the ability to know if someone is truthful or not, and therefore by default assume everyone is out to get me...and yet sometimes when I'm sick or had such a rough day that I'm broken I trust people far more than I should.

Me and my mum were reminiscing about the past tonight (the good parts), and then I decided to take out the baby photos, including all of my Christening cards that she saved, for us to nose through. There were a few of my mum's birthday cards from the time my parents split 14 years ago hidden within the photos for some reason (which I didn't know about), and then she spilled out to me [I]everything[/I] she went through during that year when she and my dad split. Jesus Christ, the shit my mum had to go through when my dad was having an affair, her friend-circle at the time turning against her, making everything out to be her fault somehow, etc. when me and my younger brother were only 6 and 9 years old (we obviously didn't have a clue at the time). I had to shut myself in the bathroom for about half an hour just now, sobbing, because I knew she went through a lot of shit during that time, but I didn't know it was [I]that[/I] intense. :cry: I'm seeing my dad and step-family tomorrow, too. I haven't seen them in a few months. My dad is my hero, but since what my mum has told me is still fresh in my mind, I hope I will be mentally better by tomorrow when I see them. Sorry for the rant. I just needed to let it all out.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52879731]NOT MEDICAL ADVICE: Sounds to me like you didn't have physiological depression, you have psychological depression. In this case, no amount of drug is going to actually fix the problem, the problem is in your head and the only way to fix that is to start talking to someone, and start doing things.[/QUOTE] I've always suffered with depression, since I was a child. Fuck all friends and constant bullying does that to a person. It really fucks you up to your core. But when I was a kid and a teen though, it was a predictable cycle of depression. I'd have a solid week or so of low mood, then a burst of creativity and happiness for 2-3 days, then depression, then happiness, etc. I'm almost certain I'm bipolar in some form, though in recent years it's more or less been nothing but depression (after my encephalitis). I've heard imbalances with copper contributes a lot to mood issues with bipolar people, and being a health nut trying to get myself back into a good place, taking all sorts of vitamins, I've probably inadvertently fucked up that balance. Basically been shovelling zinc and vitamin c down my throat since the middle of this year trying to get somewhere, it's probably made more of a mess of everything. I'm definitely not disregarding the chance of it being psychological, but my health has been pretty bad this year. Getting an enlarged spleen was the turning point for when the antidepressants stop really working and my mood took a nosedive. I guess it's a 2-part fixer-upper. I am happy to be off the antidepressants since they weren't doing anything for me. It's hard to find someone to talk to though about it all since all my friends are online, they're all dealing with their own depression and issues, and 90% of them are ironic memers who can't carry their half of a conversation.

I moved to NY because of life issues and I'm staying with my aunt. I have literally no friends up here and like, I only had 3 friends where I used to live back in Florida but I have literally nobody to go visit or do anything with. in 'the biggest city' in the world and I feel so boxed in

[QUOTE=Catscratch;52881623]I moved to NY because of life issues and I'm staying with my aunt. I have literally no friends up here and like, I only had 3 friends where I used to live back in Florida but I have literally nobody to go visit or do anything with. in 'the biggest city' in the world and I feel so boxed in[/QUOTE] friends dont just magically appear. gotta start doing activities thatll introduce you to folks

Nope. I can't cope anymore. I'm calling in tomorrow because if I have to deal with yet another hell day I'm going to kill myself. I can't take it anymore. The stress constantly fucking up, Everything always being my fault. ALWAYAS MY FUCKING FAULT . I don't think I'm going to be able to make it through holiday hell this year. No one takes me seriously and always jump down my throat when I do something wrong. Accusing me of being lazy because it takes me longer to do stuff. My attempts at voicing concern or problems results in dismissive responses, turning it back on me with something I did wrong as proof why they'll do nothing, or just flat out say it's my fault it's a problem m

[QUOTE=No Party Hats;52881895]friends dont just magically appear. gotta start doing activities thatll introduce you to folks[/QUOTE] yes I am well aware. I had a few friends but either we do not talk anymore or they moved away. It is not easy at all to just 'start doing activities' much less meet new people

[QUOTE=Weirdness;52879651]Time. It's why the longer you take them the bigger the risk you put on your receptors reducing. For motivation, I know exercise gets repeated a lot but there's a reason some people chase the runners high. It improves circulation to the brain and increases neurogenesis, it boosts neurotransmitters naturally, it gets you up and about, gives you a feeling of control in your life, and trains you to keep a schedule, which bleeds into other aspects of your life. Getting away from the computer helps a lot. If you're not careful you can fall into the pit of just mindlessly browsing websites and impulsively reloading pages over and over waiting for something new that piques your interest. Hell, I've been binge watching Bojack Horseman (probably the worst thing to watch while depressed) just to have time away from the computer. I will admit though, if you can handle some of the heavier topics it brings up, it's a very cathartic experience for someone, almost feels like therapy but you don't need to talk; you just watch them suffer through the same shit you're going through. It's great for releasing pent up emotions. [editline]12th November 2017[/editline] Don't be dumb like me and go cold turkey, taper off them over a good solid month or so. If you do, make sure to exercise during. It will help your brain immensely while it adjusts. [editline]12th November 2017[/editline] [/QUOTE]I didn't do it on purpose, I just sort lost the habit of taking them and now I'm worried I've damaged part of my brain as a result.

Why does it seem I'm incompatible with society?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52882389]I didn't do it on purpose, I just sort lost the habit of taking them and now I'm worried I've damaged part of my brain as a result.[/QUOTE] It's reversible, it's just your brains natural coping mechanism for when you have too much of one neurotransmitter. If you stop cold turkey then yes, you'll be feeling some shitty side effects, since all of a sudden your neurotransmitters aren't being boosted and your receptors are still reduced. There's not enough serotonin to go around for the few receptors you now have, and the side effect is increased depression. That's why the smart thing is to slowly wean yourself off of the medication if you choose to stop taking them. It gives your brain ample time to adjust to the new amount of serotonin and increase receptors to achieve a new baseline. And again, exercise is helpful during the weaning stage, for a multitude of reasons. It's not essential, but it would help.

Fuck alcohol, I've always been a bit of an alcoholic but the last month or so it's been a little too often. Well, I haven't had a drink since thursday and I'd like to keep it that way. On the other hand I really want a drink though cause I feel like shit.

I just want to say that I am feeling better overall, I have a more positive outlook. I've been losing weight at a measurable pace. My goals feel more achievable now, even though I haven't really done anything towards them.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;52882746]Fuck alcohol, I've always been a bit of an alcoholic but the last month or so it's been a little too often. Well, I haven't had a drink since thursday and I'd like to keep it that way. On the other hand I really want a drink though cause I feel like shit.[/QUOTE] Find something to use as a surrogate and condition yourself to replace the craving for alcohol with something else. Do curls every time you feel the need to drink, or meditate, or sing a song. just something consistent you can do every time the feeling arises. they say it takes somewhere around 20 days of consistency to build a habit so it may help

[QUOTE=Weirdness;52882501]It's reversible, it's just your brains natural coping mechanism for when you have too much of one neurotransmitter. If you stop cold turkey then yes, you'll be feeling some shitty side effects, since all of a sudden your neurotransmitters aren't being boosted and your receptors are still reduced. There's not enough serotonin to go around for the few receptors you now have, and the side effect is increased depression. That's why the smart thing is to slowly wean yourself off of the medication if you choose to stop taking them. It gives your brain ample time to adjust to the new amount of serotonin and increase receptors to achieve a new baseline. And again, exercise is helpful during the weaning stage, for a multitude of reasons. It's not essential, but it would help.[/QUOTE]I didn't do it recently, it was at the beginning of the year, I was just worried I had permanent brain damage, like those people who take ICE. [editline]13th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=nagachief;52882405]Why does it seem I'm incompatible with society?[/QUOTE]I want to go to a parallel world where I fit in better.

I'm day 4 on SNRIs, so far so good, no side effects besides being drowsy but I do feel much calmer. Today I have an interview later on for a job application. Feels like it's been a while since I have been at one, any pointers on how to make the best first impression would be appreciated.

I really feel like my room needs a plant but I'm not sure anyone sells house plants locally. The shop with plants out the front just has garden plants, I asked about them. I'll have to look again tomorrow. Am I just making things up in believing a plant would do good things for my mood and such? I mean it's like a very low mantainence pet or something.