Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Bertie;52900059]While letting out the aggression in a violent way that doesn't harm you (punching pillows) is better than cutting yourself, it's still not a necessarily good solution, because you are still expressing your urge in a negative manner. Best to find a non-violent way of expressing that frustration. (with that said, it's still a million miles better than self-harming) Lifting weights (and exercise in general) is a fantastic way to distract from those urges and feelings, not just on the short term but on the long term. It's just an overall zero cost maximum benefit thing to do and you don't even have to leave your room for it. It has been my biggest mood booster apart from all my new friends this past year. Speaking from personal experience btw, not just theorizing.[/QUOTE] You're right, however I was mostly just looking at acute distractions. Punching something is easier than taking up some kind of activity (especially if you have motivational problems), so when push comes to shove it's going to be better than self-harm. Of course it's not a good way to boost your mood in the long-term. It's a coping mechanism.

It feels like for a while I've felt like I haven't been able to be myself; all of my passions aren't gone, my desire to do them isn't dried up, but my comfort doing them is. Two and half years ago, I moved in with my dad, his wife and her three younger kids, and I just haven't really felt able to open up to them at all. I haven't wanted to open up to them, either, since they're usually being loud, angry assholes towards one another. Before we moved, I lived in a small, cold apartment with thin walls and floors and loud people all around me. That didn't bother me because I didn't have to interact with the neighbors much to begin with if I didn't want to. I felt free to play my guitar, to sing along to music I liked, draw, paint, play games on console rather than with headphones on PC. My dad was barely around, but I'd still do most of that stuff whether or not he was, and I was fine if he was proud of how "good I've gotten" or really loved a song I was playing. I didn't feel closed in, even if I spent all of my time alone; I felt more comfortable being alone-ish than being constantly surrounded by people I don't want to interact with. I'd much rather be myself by myself, or anywhere else with anyone else. Now that there's always at least one other person in the house, people that I have no bonds with and don't have much of an escape from, I don't feel free to be myself.

has anyone tried ketamine as antidepressant legally/illegaly and if so how did it work out for you. i dont really feel like using ssris to majorly change my whole brain chemistry up but im up to feeling a bit disoriented for a few hours per week/month

I haven't tried it but I hear it can work wonders for depression.

[QUOTE=Morbo!!!;52899505] It sounds like labyrinthitis, an inner-ear infection that induces vertigo. I had it about a year ago, not knowing what it was I thought I was gonna have a fucking stroke or seizure or some shit. Felt like the top of my head was always tingling and yeah, it's just bad news. But if you've reason to believe it could be anything other than this, seek medical assistance[/QUOTE] I think you might be on to something here, I've also had tingling on the top of my head and have been a bit off balance at times. Guess it's time for a visit to the doc's.

Had to call 911 for my grandfather earlier. Was shivering despite the heat being on and covered in blankets and had a hard time articulating himself. He may have had an atrial fibrillation based stroke. Gotta find out more tomorrow. Shit like that just tears at me. Now I'm at home watching the house with only a dog for company.

I'm a coward. It's impossible to me telling my parents I need to go to a psychiatrist, hell, even telling them important stuff feels like something big, when I'm about to tell them, something stops me and tells me it's not worth it.

[QUOTE=Seibitsu;52902745]I'm a coward. It's impossible to me telling my parents I need to go to a psychiatrist, hell, even telling them important stuff feels like something big, when I'm about to tell them, something stops me and tells me it's not worth it.[/QUOTE] I'm in the same boat, man... I've been suggested to write it as a letter rather than do it face-to-face but the only real advice is to just get it done like popping a joint back into place, you'll feel better once its done.

Posting this just to vent. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, IRVINE: GO SUCK A BUNDLE OF COCKS. They emphasize the counseling center so fucking much. "Grades slipping? Go to the counseling center :)" "Feeling a little down? Go to the counseling center :)" But actually go there to try and get help? "You're suicidal and probably not very physically safe from yourself? First opening for an initial appointment is in 2018 :) After that there's probably a month or more wait to get a regular appointment with a therapist :) :) :) I'm sorry, the waitlist is so long right now it's probably not even worth it to reserve a space :) :) :)" I fucking pay for this shit with my tuition. I'm FORCED to pay for this shit that I can't fucking use. I'm a full time student and AN EMPLOYEE OF THE SCHOOL. Am I not lining their pockets enough to make them care if I die or not? I'm sure if I killed myself everybody in the school would get a very thoughtful email from the chancellor saying how much of a tragedy this was and how if you aren't doing okay you need to go to the counseling center, just like they do after every student who kills themselves. They'd say they care so much after the fact. But they sure don't give a FUCKING RAT'S ASS PIECE OF SHIT FLYING FUCK if I die NOW because that would cost MONEY and not fifteen minutes of dispassionate typing and some paperwork. I'm going to fucking die and nobody who can do anything for me cares at all. Go fuck yourself, UCI, go die in a fire.

[QUOTE=uitham;52901639]has anyone tried ketamine as antidepressant legally/illegaly and if so how did it work out for you. i dont really feel like using ssris to majorly change my whole brain chemistry up but im up to feeling a bit disoriented for a few hours per week/month[/QUOTE] never tried it with the intention of using it as an antidepressant, but it does work. I usually feel lighter and less restrained the days after but its not a lasting effect. it's something you'd have to take every now and then but I imagine you were already expecting that.

Got back from the hospital. Grandpa was much better than yesterday; as in chatting and generally being his normal self. Apparently he had pneumonia. I still don't like hospitals.

[QUOTE=DiscoInferno;52902899]I'm in the same boat, man... I've been suggested to write it as a letter rather than do it face-to-face but the only real advice is to just get it done like popping a joint back into place, you'll feel better once its done.[/QUOTE] I can confirm a letter is one easy good solution. My brother did something similar when he felt the need to adress some things for the workplace he working to our parents and this gone fairly well. Just make sure to let them have some time when they read the letter and then ask them about it.

I'm just going to write down everything. I've been sort of bottling it up and being vague when I post about it because I didn't know if I should but I don't care anymore. This past year has been the worst in my life. I was cheated on, put in a mental hospital, moved states just to try to save my relationship, got cheated on again, dumped out of a 5 year relationship, kicked back down to live with my family again in the most conservative, awful state, only this time I don't even have a room and sleep on a couch. My cat died not long after I got back home. I had a brief optimism for a period when I started to reconcile with my ex before she ripped it away from me again. I had my plans for the rest of my life ripped away from me and now I'm left wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do. One of my dogs might also be getting sick and if that's the case he'll probably die soon because he's around 13-14 years old. Yesterday I just spent half the day laying on a couch until my family kicked me out so they could watch TV and lacking any other place to be all I could do was lay on the floor of my sister's room for hours. I sort of gave myself a time limit until new years a month or so ago to try to find something to live for anymore or I'd just off myself, and there's 43 days left, and I really just feel like giving up completely and letting myself sink in to misery for the next month until new years comes along.

Id suggest looking at things as a hard reset. Sometimes thats exactly what we need, a good detoxing of your old factors and stresses so you can more clearly focus on moving forward for yourself

Anyone else here who can relate with this weird feeling of anxiety where you feel like you have to do something but you don't know what? It's hard to explain but I feel like I need to do something very specific in order to "satisfy" this need but there's nothing I can think of that would accomplish this. It ends up giving me anxiety because I get so focused on it and it feels so close that I can't turn it off. Does that make sense?

[QUOTE=Seibitsu;52902745]I'm a coward. It's impossible to me telling my parents I need to go to a psychiatrist, hell, even telling them important stuff feels like something big, when I'm about to tell them, something stops me and tells me it's not worth it.[/QUOTE] Hey dude, my friend uses a shrink and its benefitted him greatly. Thing is, he couldn't rely on his parents. Instead, he used the Internet to do his own research, getting multiple reviews from patients. He looked at many people until finding the right one. I hope that helps. Also that doesn't make you a coward. Don't be tough on yourself mister (or miss).

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52906128] Ketamine is not approved for treatment of depression, it's an off label use and it's not super popular in the medical community for treatment of depression. Illicit use of ketamine is dangerous because of it's dissasosiative qualities. Better to use an SSRI or SNRI than something that's... questionable.. at best. I mean if you're looking for a high then might I suggest weed instead? It's certainly less harmful than ketamine.[/QUOTE] Ketamine has been found to be great at treating depression for people who have treatment resistant depression and it gives results much faster than your typical SSRI/SNRI for those it helps (a few hours after a single dose compared to SSRI's onset of several weeks with dosing every day). I'd say it's definitely a interesting drug when thinking of its effects on mental illness. I wouldn't advise someone to self medicate though, especially when it comes to drugs that can be addictive like ketamine. But if nothing else is working and you're on the verge of suicide for example, then ketamine can be a life saver considering it works within hours. I'd say if you're already comfortable with the use of recreational drugs and you have the self control to not spiral into addiction, then ketamine might be a real solution to some who have already been to therapy and tried anti depressants with no effect. Or even better, if you live in the US you can take advantage of ketamine clinics who have professionals around to help you.

I've had clinical medicated depression for several years, which got a ton worse after my sister died a few years back, heavily affected my university work and made me extremely introverted - I barely talked to anyone for a long time and slipped into some dark/dangerous areas that I don't want to talk about.. I'm in the final year of university now, and a few weeks ago I made a stand and stopped taking the medication altogether. It's been a rough time, but I've more or less recovered and have slowly become more extroverted and less stuck in the pits I used to be in. All I've realised since is that the medication really wasn't doing all that much for me, being more social and actively doing stuff has helped way more than any medication had in the last 4 years. Being able to sort my own shit out and actually overcome my problems really felt like a triumph, like overcoming a boss in a video game. Weird I know, just how it feels. I don't really post much in here (if I ever have) - I never really liked talking about my personal problems, but actually overcoming it has made me more confident in general and I hope this can be inspiring to anyone else suffering from the same problems. I can still feel down sometimes and just want to be alone, but it's infrequent and (I think) normal considering what's happened. Not to say you should just stop your medication without consulting a doctor first.. which I did; that worried me for a while - if you're on fairly strong meds (I was on Mirtazapine of the highest dosage) the withdrawal could have some problems. I still have anxiety, which I've had long before I had depression and seems to run in the family. It has improved a lot over the last few years, socialising a lot in university helped a ton there. EDIT: Sorry for the rant, just wanted to get this out there.

I'll go straight to the point. I fucking hate having to work and study, I know that working and studying is meant to give you character, to realize the value of knowledge and that the money I earn must go towards my education because that's what really matters in life, but in reality working and studying has just made my life more miserable each day and nobody wants to believe because everyone is too busy living in the past to realize that I'm speaking seriously when I say that I'm tired and I desire help and counseling. I can't quit my job because then I won't have money to pay for college. I can't focus on college properly because job always stresses me out and takes a lot of my time. Then when I have free time and I just want to calm down and relax I can't because I'm expected to do homework and do shit, which wouldn't be too hard if it wasn't for the fact that I have to deal with shit like having to go to work the next morning. Worst part is that I'm studying engineering and engineering is getting more and more fucking stressful for me every single week. Tests aren't just memorizing, they involve solving problems and they are the kind of problems where you either know how to solve them completely or you're basically unable to answer anything, it requires practice, attention and effort to succeed at. I see my psychologists and sometimes I just end up hating myself more because I'm just being reminded about how dumb and stupid I am. She always focuses on the stuff I do, on my mistakes, and that's meangliness for me. I already know that I'm a failure, I don't need to be told it again that drinking is bad, that videogames are bad for me, that I must hang out with other people instead of being alone at home, that I should look on the bright side of things instead of being negative. I wish she could just try to stand in my position and then help me work my way from there, this is where the real problems are born. Help me trying to come in terms with the fact that I'm no longer the person I used to be academically, that I will never ever have the chance to graduate with honors ever again like I did in high school, that I'm not above average as I was told and thought I was, that I'm capable of failing and that failing has consequences that might not always be proportional; help me realize that I'm not doing well financially, that I'm running on a tight budget, that sometimes opportunities might not show up for me and that sometimes I will suffer from things that aren't even my fault, but they happen because life just isn't fair and help me overcoming self-hatred, I wish she could just read it inside my mind that whenver I see my reflection I feel ashamed of what I see, that whenever I remember the things I have said or see the things that I have done I feel guilty. Thinking positively isn't easy for me because I know that reality does what it wants and not what I think or expect. When I think positively it feels as if the world around me could read my mind and then proceed to do everything under the sun to prove me that I'm wrong, it's like life's way of telling me "You are wrong, what your psychologist tells you is a lie just to make you feel better and don't you dare to expect anything good from me because I have a lot of things prepared to turn your life into a living hell. You're trapped here and there is nowhere you can go, nobody will listen to you and noobody will ever be able to heal the wounds I make to you". I know she tries to help me and deep down I want to be helped, but up there I don't want to for some reason and reality doesn't want me to be helped. It just wants me to keep living in small ups and downs every second, sometimes I get the chance to actually feel something, that I'm alive, but it's just for a while until I'm back to be trapped into my own reality again. Sorry if it sounds weird, I just wanted to vent.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52907645]It's not recognised by the FDA as an acceptable use though. Hence the "off label" use. The thing about off label uses is we typically find out (usually years later) that we're HORRIBLY fucking people up. For example: Zofran. Zofran is an antinausea drug, approved for use after chemotherapy ONLY. Doctors thought "oh shit, this stuff's great, we'll use it in pregnant women to treat morning sickness", turns out.. zofran causes HORRID birth defects. So now it's flat out banned for use in pregnant women. (in some states, further research suggests other states didnt ban it) I get what you're saying, but off label uses are sketchy as fuck, and really veer into the "experimental" territory. I don't feel it safe to advise on the use of off label uses of a drug, or illicit drug use. Hence my previous advice. There's a lot of really interesting articles out there about ketamine, and it's use as an antidepressant, but all of them say "we don't know what this does long term". Which is a sticking point. We carry ketamine on the truck where I work, it's great shit for what it does, but when you get into off label, you start dealing with things that weren't tested by the drug company. Therefore you can't hold anyone accountable for it. So if, say, 5 years down the line, you found out that the ketamine was making you worse, you can't sue. Because the doctor will say "well I advised you it was off label, you said it was fine" and the drug company will say "it wasn't approved to treat that anyway, nor was it advertised to treat that, so piss off".[/QUOTE] Seeing it from that angle, I agree. Ketamine seems fairly promising as of right now but like you say, it's impossible to tell how it'll affect people in the long term. Either way, I can't wait to see what we'll learn about ketamine as time progresses. If it proves to be an effective treatment with none to minor side effects in the long term then it really could be a game changer for a lot of people

[QUOTE=billeh!;52907357]Hey dude, my friend uses a shrink and its benefitted him greatly. Thing is, he couldn't rely on his parents. Instead, he used the Internet to do his own research, getting multiple reviews from patients. He looked at many people until finding the right one. I hope that helps. Also that doesn't make you a coward. Don't be tough on yourself mister (or miss).[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=DiscoInferno;52902899]I'm in the same boat, man... I've been suggested to write it as a letter rather than do it face-to-face but the only real advice is to just get it done like popping a joint back into place, you'll feel better once its done.[/QUOTE] I have been talking to my mom this morning via phone (since I'm studying outside and let slide the fact I may need some psycological treatment. Since we have a free medical cover here in Spain, I'll try to get to help this way, so I have first to go to the doctor (I managed my mom to undersand that)and then I'll talk to my doctor to see if she recommends psycological aid. Thanks to both for the answers.

So my mother let me know what was going on with my grandfather a few minutes ago. He has blood poisoning. They took out his port to check it and started giving him antibiotics. Long story short he will be in the hospital at least 6 weeks. I was not jazzed to learn this.

Turns out that my entire relationship was a lie and my girlfriend of 9 months never actually loved me. It seems odd to say it like this, how would I not notice? She drowned me in love, affection and promises every day, we planned to move together, we shared everything with eachother(I thought), we talked near constantly, she bought plane tickets to visit me this christmas and for a while she was even planning on staying with me from then onwards, but somehow it all turned out to be a lie and our entire relationship was a lie. I guess she just needed someone to love her without actually committing. She hasn't taken a dime from me, yet I've never felt more used in my life.

Spend the last two days with my ex. Great two days that somehow managed to end up in a big downer. I keep chasing something that's already dead and no matter how aware I am of it I always fall down again and spend time with her, which always ends with the same disappointing hollow feeling.

[QUOTE=Hosenfuhrer]got a crush with one, never told her (there's still a chance to do so), and she's stated that as soon as she graduates she'll leave this city.[/QUOTE] Some of you must have had this moment, when you have a dream of your crush and it feels so real, and you're a couple and it feels so good, no matter what the circumstances. I had two of those last night, it was basically a terminator-apocalypse situation in one and something completely different in the other.. Also I don't know what I should do about that. I've felt very melancholy since that. I'm sure the alcohol isn't helping. Neither is the Johnny Cash music. Edit: There's a time when you have to let it go. [QUOTE=Bertie;52915091]Spend the last two days with my ex. Great two days that somehow managed to end up in a big downer. I keep chasing something that's already dead and no matter how aware I am of it I always fall down again and spend time with her, which always ends with the same disappointing hollow feeling.[/QUOTE] That is one of them.

Usually just lurk but fuck it, FP has always been there for me to distract myself with. This year's been the absolute worst lads. Failed to graduate out of uni because of depression reasons and didn't re-enroll. Was meant to graduate and go straight into a sweet web development gig after. Now I'm unemployed with no industry connections/degree/my portfolio is all half-finished projects I didn't have the drive to finish. I have no idea whether I'll even make it to the end of the year I hate this I hate this. :///////

There is probably a grand total of 1 person I trust enough to talk at length about my emotional stuff with, but I value him way too much as a friend to just introduce this sort of crap. Idk it just feels like with the way things are im going to be this way forever, and maybe im starting to accept that.

[QUOTE=mecaguy03;52916099]There is probably a grand total of 1 person I trust enough to talk at length about my emotional stuff with, but I value him way too much as a friend to just introduce this sort of crap. Idk it just feels like with the way things are im going to be this way forever, and maybe im starting to accept that.[/QUOTE] Give him little bits at first. Most people are willing to listen but it's hard to understand and process if they don't directly struggle with mental illness or have a good grasp of it. Depression is bad tonight. Not going to sit here and pour anger into the thread. Be well and remember we can get through it.

My resurfacing depression has caused me a lot of sleep problems lately. The past two weeks I've had a sleep pattern where more often than not I'm awake for 24 hours to 36 hours and then sleeping for 4-5 hours just to repeat. There's a few days where it's more normal but its mostly been the former. Last night I slept about 3-4 hours with three consecutive all nighters (4-6 hours of sleep between each one) like described with far too little sleep and I'm starting to worry about my health. I don't function like I should, I feel sick and impaired. I worry about the long term consequences. Sleep debt is apparently a real thing and it pains me to know that I'm creating large deficits to a already huge pool of debt that I'll never be able to repay. I also want to fix my schedule so I can prevent more of this but I don't know how. The only thing I can think of is to keep forcing myself to be awake during the day (when I usually sleep) so I can go to bed at reasonable times but that feeds into my sleep debt. And right now, the effects of sleep deprivation is becoming very apparent to the point where it feels like I'm actively damaging myself. What do I do in a situation like this? Is it smarter to listen to my body and finally get some sleep even if it means that I will be sleeping during the day or is it better to fix my schedule ASAP? I'm just worried about my health. I don't think I've ever been as sleep deprived as I currently am right now and as said, it feels very unhealthy and like I'm actively causing damage to both my body and mind. It gives me that feeling that if I don't satisfy my sleep needs very soon I might just drop dead. I most likely won't but it doesn't stop the feeling and worries that it could kill me

I currently have a stomach flu or something. Effects started happening in the middle of class at university and I had to leave. Ended up vomiting at the bus stop behind a tree, thankfully it wasn't on the bus. I missed that class and a later class because any sort of movement would make me feel nauseous. Problem is that I feel like my parents genuinely think I'm making shit up despite me being 21 and outgrowing that shit since I was 12. Dad seems to smile every time I explain my symptoms, and my mother acts annoyed and says "Alright..." They're paying for the course and they have a right to concerned, but I'm actually sick. I had full on flu symptoms the first week but they were in vegas and didn't witness it, now it's a week later and I just have a serious case of nausea every time I move, eat, or drink but I can't prove what I feel unless I reach the point of depravity and encourage myself to vomit.