Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Sometimes I wake up and roll over, and in the moment before the hangover kicks in I don't want to get up and I don't want to roll on with life. Want to just lay there and let the silence take me. But I get up anyway and I do it because I know that all that's ahead of me is all I've got. Own two feet, and the road I'm walking. Giving up would throw all that opportunity away. Just gotta keep my eyes ahead and walking that path. Dunno where it leads, but it's going somewhere. Don't look back, cos' all you're gonna see is the worst flames you left behind. If you got any kinda guilt about those flames, don't let it leak in. You left them behind for a reason.

[url]http://rlmalvin.angelfire.com/KaneSarah448Psychosis.pdf[/url] M O O D

the couple of days out of the week when my garbage spine isn't killing me i spend in bed incapacitated by depression, it's been this way for almost 10 years and it's going to get worse as i tip into my 30s with shitty health no money and no prospects i had to wait for nearly 6 months for a shrink and the guy turns out to be a moron, if i had walked out as soon as i realised maybe i wouldn't have had to pay for the session, i hope he uses it to buy the latest call of duty and has a good stress free christmas time

[QUOTE=myon;52865524]Just a quick update on it, went to the doctor last week and talked about the issues I had. I got a reply from the psychiatry centre, an appointment will be made on week 3 next year. that's actually in a shorter timespan than I expected, usually have to wait around six months if it's not an emergency.[/QUOTE] forgot to post a new update on this, got my appointment rescheduled to 7th of december! while it's mostly to get things on paper and such before any potential diagnosis can be worked on, it's at least a shorter wait than initially expected so that is very, very nice.

I've long been plagued by really bad focus and memory issues, that have been getting worse the last couple of years, culminating in me dropping out of my nurse bachelor. I've been terrified of testing myself for ADD, because I've been pretty sure that I have it, and my plan was to save some money working this year, and then go back to studying nursing with ritalin, but now my test results came back. I am above average in all mental and cognitive tests, and although the prolonged attention test was a little dodgy they couldn't replicate the result with the other tests. So yeah, fan fucking tastic right? I'm apparently smart as shit but I can't even fucking pick up a book and fucking learn something that doesn't have fucking dragons in it. And now i'm just fucking wasting my life, waiting to go back to school, but apparently I'm just lazy as shit like my dad always have told me, and i'm not fit for university. The neuro-psychologist said I should stick to jobs or studies that I can get a sense of mastery from, yeah, fucking sure, just stick to the kiddie pool of life, right? Let the competent fuckers get a degree and do the important shit. Fuck me I have no idea what to do now

[QUOTE=myon;52920320]forgot to post a new update on this, got my appointment rescheduled to 7th of december! while it's mostly to get things on paper and such before any potential diagnosis can be worked on, it's at least a shorter wait than initially expected so that is very, very nice.[/QUOTE] Nice!!! It sucks that the timeframe is usually so long, but it looks like you and I will have our first appointments on the same week. I'm glad I finally made the first step to getting better after weeks of procrastination and anxiety. I hope ours both go well!! [editline]24th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=xeo xeo;52920377]I've long been plagued by really bad focus and memory issues, that have been getting worse the last couple of years, culminating in me dropping out of my nurse bachelor. I've been terrified of testing myself for ADD, because I've been pretty sure that I have it, and my plan was to save some money working this year, and then go back to studying nursing with ritalin, but now my test results came back. I am above average in all mental and cognitive tests, and although the prolonged attention test was a little dodgy they couldn't replicate the result with the other tests. So yeah, fan fucking tastic right? I'm apparently smart as shit but I can't even fucking pick up a book and fucking learn something that doesn't have fucking dragons in it. And now i'm just fucking wasting my life, waiting to go back to school, but apparently I'm just lazy as shit like my dad always have told me, and i'm not fit for university. The neuro-psychologist said I should stick to jobs or studies that I can get a sense of mastery from, yeah, fucking sure, just stick to the kiddie pool of life, right? Let the competent fuckers get a degree and do the important shit. Fuck me I have no idea what to do now[/QUOTE] I'm in the EXACT same boat. One of my biggest fears for this whole thing is that I don't actually have any of the disorders or issues that I have symptoms for. It's gonna make it a lot harder for me to work on improving my mental state and getting help from my school/employers without clinical validation. Maybe more importantly, it'll leave me really without direction on where to even start with understanding my dumb brain.

I think it's time to accept I need to be in a mental ward. I've reached a point where I can no longer repress harmful thoughts. I have been made aware that I'm close to losing my job and that I can no longer leave on good terms. I have failed. I have failed my family. I have failed society. I have failed to be a functioning person. My only options left are to kill myself or accept that I will never become independent and give up on being anything more than a burden.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52921753]I think it's time to accept I need to be in a mental ward. I've reached a point where I can no longer repress harmful thoughts. I have been made aware that I'm close to losing my job and that I can no longer leave on good terms. I have failed. I have failed my family. I have failed society. I have failed to be a functioning person. My only options left are to kill myself or accept that I will never become independent and give up on being anything more than a burden.[/QUOTE] If you have the lucidity to recognise your problems, you've not failed yet.

[QUOTE=DiscoInferno;52921763]If you have the lucidity to recognise your problems, you've not failed yet.[/QUOTE] I don't know what my problems are exactly. I can't seem to function like everyone else. Like I'm inferior. Slow. And nothing I've done has fixed it. My work has finally broken me and I can no longer cope. I don't know if it's work or if I'm a worthless sack of shit.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52921772]I don't know what my problems are exactly. I can't seem to function like everyone else. Like I'm inferior. Slow. And nothing I've done has fixed it. My work has finally broken me and I can no longer cope. I don't know if it's work or if I'm a worthless sack of shit.[/QUOTE] A lot of people struggle, most struggle invisibly. If you really feel you need professional help, go find out how and talk to your doctor about it.

Unfortunately I never had a good coping mechanism. For a while it was anger and outbursts. Now I just bottle it up and vent until venting doesn't work. I have an extremely low stress tolerance, it just takes a while to show. The coping skills my therapist gave me seems to help with the tiny things but anything major quickly smashes those skills. I only got this job because my mom put in a good word so that I'd bypass the interview process. Very likely if she hadn't of done that, I'd be dead because I would of killed myself out of shame of being unable to get a job.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52921887]Unfortunately I never had a good coping mechanism. For a while it was anger and outbursts. Now I just bottle it up and vent until venting doesn't work. I have an extremely low stress tolerance, it just takes a while to show. The coping skills my therapist gave me seems to help with the tiny things but anything major quickly smashes those skills. I only got this job because my mom put in a good word so that I'd bypass the interview process. Very likely if she hadn't of done that, I'd be dead because I would of killed myself out of shame of being unable to get a job.[/QUOTE] Unemployment is a growing problem and is only going to get worse with businesses and governments doing little to solve the increasing class/wage gap. It's no guarantee that you're doing anything wrong if you can't find employment.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52921887]Unfortunately I never had a good coping mechanism. For a while it was anger and outbursts. Now I just bottle it up and vent until venting doesn't work. I have an extremely low stress tolerance, it just takes a while to show. The coping skills my therapist gave me seems to help with the tiny things but anything major quickly smashes those skills. I only got this job because my mom put in a good word so that I'd bypass the interview process. Very likely if she hadn't of done that, I'd be dead because I would of killed myself out of shame of being unable to get a job.[/QUOTE] Something I've learned the hard way is that you have to change what you tell yourself. When you're getting angry, worked up, over stressed or under appreciated, when you feel these things it can be very hard to tell yourself anything else. You can't just change your mind, your feelings, and your emotions. So don't try to, but you have to stop repeating that shit to yourself. At least for me, when I find myself at my lowest points it's because I'm telling myself my perspective, over and over again. I'm seeing things from my point of view. I'm feeling that no one gives a shit, I'm feeling alone, mistreated, undervalued, I notice that part of what I'm doing is repeating these things, and going over it and seeing all the maliciousness of people, the ignorance and arrogance and taking it to heart and making it about me. I had to start paying attention to what I was telling myself and stopping myself in the midst of these rants that were building my rage, building my anger, my shame, just charging me up. I knew I couldn't really stop it. But I just tried to stop, and ask myself better questions about my situation. It's hard to describe what that is, but rather than just asking myself easy questions that served to continue that cycle, I had to start asking myself questions that kinda hurt because they were revealing what I was hiding from myself by retelling the events over and over and over again in my head. It was about getting to the bottom of that and kind of accepting that issues were on me, and that moving forward wasn't about dwelling on those, but getting past them through learning. Some of us just have to work at it harder, for longer. Eventually it gets easier. But you gotta do it every day. That's the secret.

[QUOTE=Hosenfuhrer]got a crush with one, never told her (there's still a chance to do so), and she's stated that as soon as she graduates she'll leave this city.[/QUOTE] Saw her cuddling and kissing another guy in a bar literally ten minutes ago, so I think that's that. Time to let go, again.

[QUOTE=HumanAbyss;52922228]Something I've learned the hard way is that you have to change what you tell yourself. When you're getting angry, worked up, over stressed or under appreciated, when you feel these things it can be very hard to tell yourself anything else. You can't just change your mind, your feelings, and your emotions. So don't try to, but you have to stop repeating that shit to yourself. At least for me, when I find myself at my lowest points it's because I'm telling myself my perspective, over and over again. I'm seeing things from my point of view. I'm feeling that no one gives a shit, I'm feeling alone, mistreated, undervalued, I notice that part of what I'm doing is repeating these things, and going over it and seeing all the maliciousness of people, the ignorance and arrogance and taking it to heart and making it about me. I had to start paying attention to what I was telling myself and stopping myself in the midst of these rants that were building my rage, building my anger, my shame, just charging me up. I knew I couldn't really stop it. But I just tried to stop, and ask myself better questions about my situation. It's hard to describe what that is, but rather than just asking myself easy questions that served to continue that cycle, I had to start asking myself questions that kinda hurt because they were revealing what I was hiding from myself by retelling the events over and over and over again in my head. It was about getting to the bottom of that and kind of accepting that issues were on me, and that moving forward wasn't about dwelling on those, but getting past them through learning. Some of us just have to work at it harder, for longer. Eventually it gets easier. But you gotta do it every day. That's the secret.[/QUOTE] I keep internalizing things my coworkers say and once I screw up I have a panic attack and go completely numb. Which contributes to being accused of being lazy and slow. I'm very likely to lose my job soon because of my inability to function and if I lose my job to my own stupidity and failures, I don't know if I can cope with that shame and failure. I'd probably just finally give up and go play in traffic or something.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52922900]I keep internalizing things my coworkers say and once I screw up I have a panic attack and go completely numb. Which contributes to being accused of being lazy and slow. I'm very likely to lose my job soon because of my inability to function and if I lose my job to my own stupidity and failures, I don't know if I can cope with that shame and failure. I'd probably just finally give up and go play in traffic or something.[/QUOTE] I don't know what to say but don't want to leave without saying anything. I can only say that losing your job is not the end of the world.

[QUOTE=DiscoInferno;52922940]I don't know what to say but don't want to leave without saying anything. I can only say that losing your job is not the end of the world.[/QUOTE] It's mostly the shame of being unable to keep a simple job. And that I was already in a bad position in which every single job app and interview I had leading up to having this job went poorily, was rejected, or never really acknowledged me. I actually do so badly for the group interview of this job they basically started ignoring me during it. I only got this job because my mom got a word put in for me and I skipped over it. I am in a worse place of mind than I was back then. I can't even really do more than go to work now and I'm not even sure I could fake being positive now. I will likely be useless and my parents likely will start pressuring me hard again and being dissapointed in me. I don't think I can handle that this time. I couldn't back then because I was at a point where I considered putting out a desperate message to anyone I knew that would listen that basically went 'Hey, I'm going to kill myself in a few days. If you come and get me to protect me from myself, I'll do whatever you want. No string attached." I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but it seems that's my fate.

So my grandfather was definitely out of it today and may be deteriorating. His heart is skipping beats and he's just having a hell of a time regardless. My uncle and my mother both told me about what might happen if it turns out he's not going to recover. He would go home but be under hospice care until they couldn't do anything for him anymore. I have the choice to stay or move to my mother's and move on from taking care of him. This did lead to a good talk between me and my mother though. Her and my uncle were both really appreciative to me; something I really needed to hear. So there's that at least. Supposedly Monday is when they're going to let us know just how bad it is.

...I sat down and talked with a close friend. Told them what's going on. After talking with him I'm considering just doing a reset. Taking as much money as I can and just leaving to a new state. Just. Leave it all behind and go to a dear friend in another state. I have a friend I can rely on and I've known for 10 years. Kept in contact with him even when he moved away. It sounds stupid in my head, scary, reckless, irresponsible, and so on. But I can say the same about suicide, but without the being dead part. So it's automatically better. And honestly, if it all falls apart, I'd rather it fall apart outside of Texas with a dear friend I can count on instead of in the shadow of my parents.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52923187]...I sat down and talked with a close friend. Told them what's going on. After talking with him I'm considering just doing a reset. Taking as much money as I can and just leaving to a new state. Just. [B]Leave it all behind and go to a dear friend in another state.[/B] I have a friend I can rely on and I've known for 10 years. Kept in contact with him even when he moved away. It sounds stupid in my head, scary, reckless, irresponsible, and so on. But I can say the same about suicide, but without the being dead part. So it's automatically better. And honestly, if it all falls apart, I'd rather it fall apart outside of Texas with a dear friend I can count on instead of in the shadow of my parents.[/QUOTE] Think long and hard about that and don't do it on a whim. You'll lose all of your friends and all of your connections. The new state may not turn out to be what you want and you'll be in an even worse position. Your old friend may not be who you remember and may ditch you. Etc. I really think you should go to the hospital. Based on your condition I think you'll be in there for longer then a week and the break will do you good.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52923198]Think long and hard about that and don't do it on a whim. You'll lose all of your friends and all of your connections. The new state may not turn out to be what you want and you'll be in an even worse position. Your old friend may not be who you remember and may ditch you. Etc. I really think you should go to the hospital. Based on your condition I think you'll be in there for longer then a week and the break will do you good.[/QUOTE] What connections? I fucked up bad enough here that the connections I do have are bad ones. I am worried that if I go into the hospital, I might not come out for months. I've heard horror stories.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52923211]What connections? I fucked up bad enough here that the connections I do have are bad ones. I am worried that if I go into the hospital, I might not come out for months. I've heard horror stories.[/QUOTE] Even so not all hospitals are bad. Some even have computers with working internet and good food.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52923220]Even so not all hospitals are bad. Some even have computers with working internet and good food.[/QUOTE] ...just checked local ones that I could search. Pending lawsuits and sexual abuse allegations. Not very encouraging...

My darkest moment was around 9-10 months after it all started to get weird. Generally, I was in pain and extremely confused, didn't really understand what was the source of it all, having spent the previous 6 months trying to analyze it all into submission. Specifically I spent the past day doing a 12 hour shift on my job;the shift consisted of skipping past portions of around 70 episodes of Arthur the TV show [I](pictured)[/I]. After 5 hours of this day's shift I decided to get a cup of coffee, so I walked to the coffee machine and opened the window: it must have been one of the most beautiful summer days I have ever seen, it was bright, warm and exciting. Looking at it all I realized I had nothing to live for. I didn't care about my family, I had have no real friends and I completely forgot about my goals and dreams over the past 6 months trying to just grasp my emotional state. I felt there was no point in suffering through it, seeing as it seemed to be completely unchanging, no matter how much I tried to understand it. I didn't do it, I don't think I was actually close to "do it", I just went about my day. It's been 2.5 years, over this time I managed to start drinking even more heavily (it was around 3 bottles of wine a week before, it became 7-9 weekly), and then quit basically cold turkey (it's been 9 months now!), completely change who I spend time with, start going to a consultant, stuff like that. Recently I realized I feel exhausted from it all. It feels like this has been with me for ages now, and it's just scary, because it's becoming hard to remember how it was before. I have sort of gotten better: the general muffled pain is not there anymore, I understand it a bit better, feel more okay with it. I also learned to deal with some insecurities, making me generally more confident; but since I've been starved of emotion for over 2.5 years, I started to get weirder and weirder. I started to choose more extreme jokes, because it's just not interesting anymore otherwise; I became more eccentric - stuff like that. And when general confidence mixes with the weird behavior, it seems like I haven't gotten better at all, it's weird. Anyway, has rationalizing ever helped anybody in this thread? Like realizing something actually helped you get better? [t]http://www-tc.pbskids.org/arthur/i/illustration_block.png[/t]

Yesterday, when my manager had a talk with me. As she started listing everything i was doing wrong and how angry I was making everyone i started to feel like I was going to pass out, and it felt like things were starting to crush me. I was so out of it by the time she asked for my response, all I could say is 'I don't know' or something of that effect. I felt like I should of gave up and let myself have a mental breakdown instead of trying my best not to have a full blown panic attack. The entire time after that I felt numb and in pain. I still feel like that but worse.

[QUOTE=thatsright;52923279]My darkest moment was around 9-10 months after it all started to get weird. Generally, I was in pain and extremely confused, didn't really understand what was the source of it all, having spent the previous 6 months trying to analyze it all into submission. Specifically I spent the past day doing a 12 hour shift on my job;the shift consisted of skipping past portions of around 70 episodes of Arthur the TV show [I](pictured)[/I]. After 5 hours of this day's shift I decided to get a cup of coffee, so I walked to the coffee machine and opened the window: it must have been one of the most beautiful summer days I have ever seen, it was bright, warm and exciting. Looking at it all I realized I had nothing to live for. I didn't care about my family, I had have no real friends and I completely forgot about my goals and dreams over the past 6 months trying to just grasp my emotional state. I felt there was no point in suffering through it, seeing as it seemed to be completely unchanging, no matter how much I tried to understand it. I didn't do it, I don't think I was actually close to "do it", I just went about my day. It's been 2.5 years, over this time I managed to start drinking even more heavily (it was around 3 bottles of wine a week before, it became 7-9 weekly), and then quit basically cold turkey (it's been 9 months now!), completely change who I spend time with, start going to a consultant, stuff like that. Recently I realized I feel exhausted from it all. It feels like this has been with me for ages now, and it's just scary, because it's becoming hard to remember how it was before. I have sort of gotten better: the general muffled pain is not there anymore, I understand it a bit better, feel more okay with it. I also learned to deal with some insecurities, making me generally more confident; but since I've been starved of emotion for over 2.5 years, I started to get weirder and weirder. I started to choose more extreme jokes, because it's just not interesting anymore otherwise; I became more eccentric - stuff like that. And when general confidence mixes with the weird behavior, it seems like I haven't gotten better at all, it's weird. Anyway, has rationalizing ever helped anybody in this thread? Like realizing something actually helped you get better? [/QUOTE] Truth to be told I can suggest you to play some games which in general are VERY depressing, but they have a point: Actual Sunlight Little Red Lie These games in general helped me a lot to understand that I need to "draw a line" between my selfish needs to make me "happier" and the things I must do take some responsibilities as an adult. Very hard lessons but neccessery in my opinion.

I'm at the point where I'm going to need an emergency appointment tomorrow with my doctor, I've been too low and that's not helped by the fact I got a questionnaire asking me how the mental health clinic was helping, and what we had decided to do. They haven't contacted me ONCE. I'm still waiting, and now I feel even more forgotten than I already have been (none of my friends have contacted me in well over a week now). I'm out of money, I'm going to get into trouble because I don't have money to pay rent for a place I'm not currently living in and I can't get government help (I'm unemployed and 21 so I can't get housing benefit anymore... And if I had been born just three months earlier or had the ability to get a job, I'd instantly be eligible). [editline]26th November 2017[/editline] I'm scared, on the verge of tears and staying awake until at least 5am until I pass out with tiredness because I don't know what I'm supposed to do because there's genuinely NOTHING I can do

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52924247]If you go willingly into treatment you retain the right to leave at any time. If you're forced to go into treatment, you don't get a say in the matter. Given your current rate of deterioration, willful admittance to a hospital would be far better than waiting to get detained and forced into the system. You've said it yourself, you're having a harder and harder time at work, how much longer can you work without a breakdown? When you have a breakdown they're going to call EMS, EMS is going to take you to a hospital. In your brokendown state their going to have no choice but to admit you without your choice. I hate to sound like a dick about it, but quite frankly Mental health requires a pragmatic view of the world. You're not getting better on your own, you NEED help. And you're going to get help, the question is, do you want the black mark of involuntary admission to a hospital, or do you want to be able to look back and say "yea, I made a good choice and changed my life". [/QUOTE] Please listen to this advice naga. We all want you to be able to get better, I think the first step might be accepting that this is a little bit out of your control to change entirely on your own. Seeking help isn't bad or wrong, not seeking it isn't going to help though.

pretty much everyone on this planet needs to rot in burning fire

I have this really awful lonesome feeling all the time, like everywhere I go, I can be sitting at work or at home or even with a friend but I feel like something is missing or just not present and I feel like I'm in a constant state of really small time panic.