Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I think I've completely forgotten what it means to love other people. what it means to be a human being feels absent. I could talk for days about my circumstances and what led to this point but I need someone to take me out. It's almost fundamental and irreparable issue for as long as human indifferences and error exists. [editline]26th November 2017[/editline] The only love that ever truely gets sent my way anymore is verbal affirmations from people hundreds or thousands of miles away, and it's all gotten so old that it feels difficult to reciprocate in my honest heart. and when I try and export my love to others in real life, it lacks drive and meaning towards others no matter how I try to participate. I feel like I am whatever is next to being a public shooter at this point. I don't want to do it. I don't want to hurt anyone. but I can't help myself. I just wish someone could roll around in my life capable of healing me.

[QUOTE=Systema;52924721]I think I've completely forgotten what it means to love other people. what it means to be a human being feels absent. I could talk for days about my circumstances and what led to this point but I need someone to take me out. It's almost fundamental and irreparable issue for as long as human indifferences and error exists. [editline]26th November 2017[/editline] The only love that ever truely gets sent my way anymore is verbal affirmations from people hundreds or thousands of miles away, and it's all gotten so old that it feels difficult to reciprocate in my honest heart. and when I try and export my love to others in real life, it lacks drive and meaning towards others no matter how I try to participate. I feel like I am whatever is next to being a public shooter at this point. I don't want to do it. I don't want to hurt anyone. but I can't help myself. I just wish someone could roll around in my life capable of healing me.[/QUOTE] I know what you're going through. From my perspective as someone who has symptoms of depression to be able to relate, I've gone through periods of my childhood relating to an unnerving gut feeling that I am misunderstood for the feelings I have. As if something was following me around (depression, or a "rain cloud", "black dog" or whatever) that others noticed and saw, but I didn't. It made me feel like others were worried I would do something wrong, or worse, ultimately hurt them somehow intentionally. Every problem is a communication problem. If your intention, your action, and your word all line up, then there is no reason for anyone to believe you are saying less than you mean. If they are concerned, be in their shoes.

[QUOTE=Systema;52924721]I think I've completely forgotten what it means to love other people. what it means to be a human being feels absent. I could talk for days about my circumstances and what led to this point but I need someone to take me out. It's almost fundamental and irreparable issue for as long as human indifferences and error exists. [editline]26th November 2017[/editline] The only love that ever truely gets sent my way anymore is verbal affirmations from people hundreds or thousands of miles away, and it's all gotten so old that it feels difficult to reciprocate in my honest heart. and when I try and export my love to others in real life, it lacks drive and meaning towards others no matter how I try to participate. I feel like I am whatever is next to being a public shooter at this point. I don't want to do it. I don't want to hurt anyone. but I can't help myself. I just wish someone could roll around in my life capable of healing me.[/QUOTE] As somebody who knows what being misunderstood was like for most of his life: hold on. Even the worst times and phases will pass someday, provided you have hope enough that things are going to change. I'll be a bit of a realist and say that relationships aren't meant to be perfect: you're supposed to work with what you've got and if they tick most of the boxes, why not just go for it? Sure, this world's gotten pretty cynical these days when it comes to understanding others or their actions, hell I've been accused of having ulterior motives often enough just for being myself. Everything in life is a risk, otherwise life wouldn't be life. Sometimes you have to keep putting yourself out there, in the hope of finding that someone who'll understand your worries and your pain and will accept you mostly for what you are. That you didn't find them until now isn't your fault or the fault of the world around you - sometimes this is just how things are. Just remember that whoever succeeded at anything, even the smallest thing, succeeded best when they failed many times and learned from those failures. Never forget that human beings [I]are meant to be fallible, because that's in our natures.[/I] Nobody's perfect or even close to it, and even those who seemingly have it perfect have problems of their own they may not be willing to disclose. I think if you'll understand that failure should be accepted as a lesson instead of a punishment, you'll find at least a measure of peace until you find somebody meant for you. But if you don't put yourself out there to find that someone, you won't find them at all. Hope things get better for you.

I think my mental meltdown has finished. God I'm embarrassed after re reading everything I've typed yesterday. Er last two days.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52926071]I think my mental meltdown has finished. God I'm embarrassed after re reading everything I've typed yesterday. Er last two days.[/QUOTE] Don't be, there's nothing bad or embarrassing about any of it. I was feeling your posts pretty hard.

I'm starting to feel more and more like I just don't belong on this godforsaken planet, like I'm trying to find purpose where there is none. Something in my life is missing and I don't knkw what. The funny thing is I do believe that life is ultimately meaningless and without purpose, and it isn't this in itself that's driving me mad, because I came to terms with it. I just feel like I can't be a regularly functional human being, I'm not satisfied with having a job, a house, a girlfriend... the latter two are things I don't have, mind, but I honestly doubt these things will grant me the happiness I'm looking for. I'm at wits end, really. For the past three years I've been feeling like an unguided missile. I'm starting to understand why people commit suicide. It worries me. [editline]27th November 2017[/editline] I mean understand as in I'm starting to feel an emotional connection to those that tried or succeeded, whereas before it was just purely a train of thought. [editline]27th November 2017[/editline] I usually keep my mouth shut about these things... Mostly because I know there's nobody that can solve this for me, this is all something I have to do myself, but I've never been strong of will. Especially not the last two months.

Is it normal to feel angry when someone suggests that a suicide victim was being selfish, because they left a loved one behind? I understand that there can be a large emotional toll on the person/people affected by it, but where does it get anyone to just call the victim selfish? I don't know, maybe I'm just empathising more with the person that committed suicide than the other person.

I have noticed that every single meltdown has been started or contributed to by my job. It's got me curious. Jobs around here are fast food, retail, hospitality, call centers, or medical positions it seems. Unfortunately all of those sound much worse or out of my reach.

If your job's shit, change it. Don't just think about how other jobs might be worse. You won't know until you try, and in the meantime you're still in the shit.

[QUOTE=Bertie;52926367]If your job's shit, change it. Don't just think about how other jobs might be worse. You won't know until you try, and in the meantime you're still in the shit.[/QUOTE] Originally, I was discouraged from looking because I needed the income to pay my car off. Now, I'm wanting to move out, but the average pay for other jobs around here is about 2-3$/hr less than what I make now. I could still move out on that, but I'd likely have to move into a sketchy area. I'd rather just stay at home than add the stress of watching my back constantly. In any case I'll have to get my parents to co-sign since i don't make triple the rent or credit is non-existent. A lot of it is driven by not ending up like my aunt: living with parents until they die.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52926451]So then you'll be trapped at a job that you personally have said that you: A. Don't enjoy, and B. Aren't good at. You'll be forced to watch your back at work instead of at your house because getting fired would lead to you losing your place and you'd have to move back. I get the sentiment, but build a better foundation before you start trying to move out, having a shit job and moving out is a great way to trap yourself.. forever. Do you have a college education? Could you get one if you dont? All things to think about, don't get blinded by the "move out of the house" golden goose.[/QUOTE] Fair point. I have said that and after this latest meltdown, I'm starting to think that moving out is not the best idea right now. I do have college education, IT field. I'd very much rather make game content and I have gotten a little money out of commission work for some content, but not reliable income.

Had a rough weekend/Monday. Long story short: I got invited to a birthday party. Everyone was relaxing, drinking, and then my anxiety/depression/what-have-you kicked in. I felt like shit because I couldn't be normal and just have a good time, I didn't want to talk to anybody, I just sat and stared at the sky like a fucking goofball. My pals tried to cheer me up but that just made me feel worse since they were sacrificing their good time for me. Then comes Monday. People are reminiscing about all the crazy shit they did at the party and how fun it was, while I just awkwardly nod in agreement. My friend even joked saying "Were you even there, dude?" which really got to me. I feel like I'm not human sometimes, y'know? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why do I have to make such a fuss about everything? Why does it seem like I care about things more than I should? edit: wow, guess my English falls off even more when I'm in a bad mood.

Great... So it looks like I will be spending yet ANOTHER Christmas mostly home alone, due to my mum being at the pub :v: I have moved in with my boyfriend (at long last) earlier this year, and I was very looking forward to mine and my partner's first Christmas together... But unfortunately my boyfriend's mum might have cancer. She will find out tomorrow whether the tumour is cancerous or not. I'm leaving to go home to my mum first thing tomorrow, for my boyfriend and his mum to spend Christmas alone together, understandably.

Any of you have experiences with fear of vomiting? How did you get past it? How do you cope with it

This whole PC culture is really starting to get to me. I'm worried that people will automatically hate me or look over me because I'm white or "privileged" at my college. I don't know if I'm worried that it well affect me in some way or just having to put up with it, but I wish I could stop this kind of thinking so I don't have to worry about under the rug racism and just move on with my life. Having OCD is a bitch.

Guys, I need help. Two-three weeks ago, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. My first girlfriend, and I just turned twenty. First kiss, first sex (for both of us) first everything really (even handholding), all at the age of 18. I didn't go to grades 4-10 (10th grade was in a mental health center program since I had severe self-esteem issues about academic stuff mostly, but I'm diagnosed GAD.) I was isolated from the ages of 10-16/17 She's left 30-50 times before (not an exaggeration) and always came back. But now she wants to be her own person and see what that's like and get over some of her flaws, and she left because of some of my flaws. It's just frustrating because we've built ourselves up as individuals together, so I feel hurt that she thinks she can't do that with me. The circumstances she left in were also peculiar: in my eyes, we were at a fairly stable spot in the relationship. We had gotten over so many insecurities that used to hamper communication between us. The uncertainty of how many times she had left in the past is what makes this so hard -- uncertainty is the hardest part of life for me. But, regardless of the progress made, the things I did in the past are more than reason enough to justify it. For a few months we had issues with domestic violence (initiated by both sides in equal level of force, but I was the one that started it with a shove. (Then she knuckle slammed me in the face and nearly knocked my tooth out). I also made constant, manipulative suicide threats. She's told me a few times in heated arguments to die alone and that nobody would ever love me. But, despite all that bad shit, and all the bad shit that I did, we changed and got past it and hadn't done anything like that at all for atleast 6 months. It was a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs but in recent months it finally stabilized. We have had so many unique, meaningful, and wonderful moments together and I had never met someone who clicked with me so instantly -- in the dating stage of things before we even knew eachother we would finish eachother's sentences. And she knew how intimate we were, and it wasn't just because of her being trapped there; we shared literally everything with eachother from pornography to hobbies to politics to intellectualism to forms of sexual satisfaction. We were so, so close, and it made everything so much more intense. I know you guys will probably think I'm a scumbag, and I was. I learned a lot and it reflected in my day to day interactions with her, but learning doesn't heal wounds that deep, and she has good reason to leave considering the past; I just don't understand why she left in the present. Maybe some wounds can never heal. I hope she comes back. Before her, I didn't think I deserved the love of anyone -- it's unfortunate that I felt so lucky to have it that I basically kept her trapped in a cage. She needed to leave, and she says she's happier now. But, I'm not, and I don't know what to do. I'm 20 and a college freshman and I'm missing classes and procrastinating on the simplest assignments while I sit here and do drugs all day, even though I know I shouldn't. I keep burying it since she's left and come back so many times before, but this is much longer, and I know she's not coming back. I just don't know what to do. Do you guys have any advice? In any case, writing down my thoughts here helps even if nobody bothers to read a wall of text for a random stranger, so thanks for this thread. [editline]28th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Kiwi;52926483]This is touchy. Personally it sucks for both sides I’ve been on both spectrums. The emotional stress and thoughts are not easy to understand or overcome. It takes a lot to drag someone out of it. Calling suicide selfish it’s not really the right thing (I’m not suggesting that you said it I’m only taking it as if someone did say it, I know what you mean and I know it’s good). It’s difficult to judge a situation like that. It’s tough. Nobody wants to piss anyone nor set the person who’s calling it into a unrecoverable state(as in, its gone too far). I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to do anything but I don’t think it’s right to piss on it and call it selfish. If you think someone is calling out suicide and you don’t know the full story. Suggest you keep your mouth shut unless you really know that it’s onpy for guilt and attention(I’ve seen this first hand)[/QUOTE] It's about individuality vs collectivism, a little bit. A suicidal killing themselves could be selfish, but it's their right to do it and their body, and if they're suffering so much it could be the only viable alternative, unless it's ethical to leave them suffering. But the community needs to get involved in a way that isn't just guilt-tripping the suicidal person because they care about others. A mental illness is not so much different from a physical one, and I support euthanasia. The difference is, mental illnesses oftentime can be alleviated or atleast have their symptoms dealt with through social means, and I don't think guilt is the best way to do it; after all, you wouldn't say to your grandmother who is in extreme pain and wants to die that she's selfish because people care about her. Maybe you would, but not in the same way.

Man I'm just useless at life and I'm not really sure what to do about it bit over a year ago now I dropped uni since I'd pretty much locked myself in my room through anxiety and depression, and despite all the time that's passed since then I haven't done anything - haven't applied for any jobs or applied for uni even though the deadline is january if I don't want to fuck around with the clearing process if I already had a job or had already been accepted into a uni then I'm pretty sure I'd do fine with going through the motions, but for some reason the thought of actually getting to that point is too much so I've basically just sat here and just sort of existed...it's not that I don't want to be at uni, I'd love to be there both for academic and social reasons (aka being able to have non-shit jobs and not being lonely) but I quickly overwhelm myself even thinking about the process of getting there, same with getting a job tbh by some bloody miracle I've never been remotely suicidal so I got that going for me I guess

everything feels pointless

I've got a doctor's appointment coming up and I'm gonna ask him to assign me a psychiatrist. I gotta face the facts. I'm depressed and bulimic. I've been losing weight at a steady rate for four months, but I've been purging more and more often. I gotta get some professional help before I completely tip over. Nothing is fun anymore. I've even stopped playing video games and dnd. Watching series or movies just painfully reminds me of how lonely I am. Have anyone here struggled with bulimia? I haven't told anyone about it, because it's personal as fuck, and I don't want to make my mom sick with worry

Well im going to have to do something I really dont want to if things are ever going to change or get better. I cant continue keeping appearances and pretending things are OK because they are not. Im just going to have to deal with how people are going to see me for this. This is going to probably make me look like im really privileged and its probably because I am, but my dad has so far been paying for literally everything in my life including two years of college. I went through an associates degree but I completely messed it up and ended up barely getting it, and I ended up with pretty much a useless degree which my parents payed over 9 grand for, and he still wants to support me in getting more education. In the past though I dont think my dad has ever really wanted to accept my mental health issues and I am afraid he wont be supportive if I try to ask him for help because unfortunately healthcare here is not free which means it comes down to money if I want to get any kind of professional help. My issues have been ruining things for a long time and I am not going to have a repeat of my first two years of college. I dont care if he wants to be personally involved or not but if he wont help me with this I dont want his help period, financially or otherwise, and I will just have to find some other way. I just cant keep mooching and then disappointing everyone when I fail.

Have a job interview today after not working for a month and a bit after I had a really bad panic attack. The nerves man, the nerves.

I can't believe that the 20 year old me still have fear of losing my parents, both my parents are going to another province in a few days and they are going to board a plane to get there, the flight doesn't even take a long time probably it will only take an hour and a half, but man am i scared as hell just hearing that they will be boarding a plane especially with a rainy weather like this, which makes things a bit more difficult for me, hopefully they're able to travel safely.

Wanted to share something positive: had a really nice session with my psychologist. I teared up quite a bit but, damn, it felt good to talk and just let everything out. Heck, I even told my mother and she didn't seem to mind. Perhaps everything isn't so bleak.

I used to be here (not here here, but here) on the daily if anyone remembers me, in the past couple years I've kind of gone progressively downhill, but I'm trying to make possitive changes in my life; • stopped constant consumption of drugs as a mixture of recreation and self medication, now I'm just using ritalin to help me function, and small amounts of baclofen (basically phenibut) and/or xanax when neccesary to deal with my anxiety, which is sometimes hightened by the ritalin as im still learning what is best, and some days I need a little more than others • attempting to get an actual daignosis for ADD as thats actually been the route cause of a lot of my issues, I got reffered to stage two of the medical examination so thats going well! my entire childhood I was that "bright but doesnt apply himself" kid, I had my self confidence destroyed when I entered education where doing the bare minimum wouldnt put me in the top 10% of the class. I'm damn lucky that I've got 6 or so months worth of meds for it because otherwise I'd be out of uni • stopping obsessing about how things could have been, its fucking hard and I'm damn sure all of you know this, like I've been into street art since I was 10 and I've been writting music and playing bass since 14, I'm 20 now and honestly still amateur on both fronts, but me being sad about it isn't going to change that, instead of wishing things went a way they could, I'm going to make them go they way they should • telling other people when things arent going well, I hate having to admit that I'm doing badly but no one knows and no one can help if they're in the dark, its hard to find people to trust, or people that you think will give meaningful or helpful responses, its so wonderful that this exists so people can talk and relate, I wouldnt have been able to deal with the world and its social pressures without some of the friends I met here when I was growing up • filling the drug void with other things, although never physically addicted, they took up a large amount of my time, I had a lot of fun learning and socialising and do have a lot of great experiences and memories to show for it, but they were one of the main reasons why I never buckled down and did what I should have been doing because they had such a high reward to low effort ratio. Thats why I'm here, so I can get back to how things used to be when they made a little more sense, when I still played video games and practiced instruments and wrote music and had fun • actually doing the shit that needs to be done, allowing avoidence creates mountains of problems, infinite problems, the fact that I can focus on getting things done, even things I dont like has helped a lot, and the fact I can't just default to "this is long, message your mates and get some weed" is also helping a lot. Yeah its really nasty sitting there counting up all the million things you have to do, but breaking them down into easy little chunks with rewards for progress is working really well! I still have to work on my impulsive behaviours a little bit, now it's not substances in bulk, I'm buying lots of kicks, but there are worse vices to have. Anyway, that was a hella long post, a bit of an introduction, and I hope to spread some positivity and help around when I can, keep it easy:)

My job interview at the local cinema went fantastic. I honestly can't stress enough that with routine comes ease from Depression and Anxiety. When I'm working I find that honestly I feel a lot better. Anxiety can sometimes appear to be bigger than it really is, I've done a lot of self work on my anxiety and depression as I didn't want to believe that it was something I had to live with what so ever. Anxiety and Depression has to be one of the most underestimated and undervalued illnesses there is, to the point where the only support you can get for it is with other people who share and feel the same thing. I guess dropping LSD and DMT, as well as Shrooms really opened my mind up to the fact that feelings such as anxiety and depression are just feelings, that can be controlled if you honestly just do. Thinking I believe is how these things come around, and while it seems counter productive to simply 'Not think', it seems to work for my self.

Just sent off an email asking who or where I should turn to in order to redo some classes I failed in school and pass so that I can be legible for university because I'm so tired of my current job and life.

-snip-

I've been playing Night in the Woods for several hours, and despite it being one of those nice little games where you get absorbed in the world and writing - which I was mostly able to do - the experience was hampered with the moments where the protagonist, also a 20 year old jobless dropout, got blasted for being as such. I feel all anxious and sick, until the character apologises to the protagonist and says that it's fine yadda yadda and I think I shouldn't have started playing it while experiencing such a low I feel pretty dumb about that but I feel it's more bad timing instead of something that would've happened no matter when I chose to play it, but hey dumb shit

[QUOTE=RedDagger;52933260]I've been playing Night in the Woods for several hours, and despite it being one of those nice little games where you get absorbed in the world and writing - which I was mostly able to do - the experience was hampered with the moments where the protagonist, also a 20 year old jobless dropout, got blasted for being as such. I feel all anxious and sick, until the character apologises to the protagonist and says that it's fine yadda yadda and I think I shouldn't have started playing it while experiencing such a low I feel pretty dumb about that but I feel it's more bad timing instead of something that would've happened no matter when I chose to play it, but hey dumb shit[/QUOTE] Don't feel ashamed at all for getting that response from fiction, I felt the same way to be honest. In the end I felt it was super relatable however, especially in regards to timing (I'm about to drop out and one of my parents is passing away soon :V), with two of the characters. Made the characters feel real, too, having those conflicting mindsets and all (in regards to x character being blasted etc). If it makes you feel unbearably anxious, I'd take a break though, I used to get really anxious from certain music and would have to stop. Just an extra fyi but on December 13th the devs are releasing a free patch for it that adds a bunch of content, if you still feel comfortable playing it.

I honestly think I'd feel pretty good all the time if I could just not be exhausted so often. it's gotten to the point where I can barely stay awake throughout most afternoons even though I'm as minimally physically active as I can be