Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52930892] As stupid as this sounds: Stop thinking about it and do it. Your mind is your own worst enemy when your sitting around and saying "oh man should I do x, or y, or maybe z" just do one. Anything is better than sitting around and just "existing".[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=LordyLord;52933495]Don't feel ashamed at all for getting that response from fiction, I felt the same way to be honest. In the end I felt it was super relatable however, especially in regards to timing (I'm about to drop out and one of my parents is passing away soon :V), with two of the characters. Made the characters feel real, too, having those conflicting mindsets and all (in regards to x character being blasted etc). If it makes you feel unbearably anxious, I'd take a break though, I used to get really anxious from certain music and would have to stop. Just an extra fyi but on December 13th the devs are releasing a free patch for it that adds a bunch of content, if you still feel comfortable playing it.[/QUOTE] Not really sure how, but these replies and some other stuff yesterday made me feel really positive about shit in general and I've started my UCAS application and used my gmail reserved for uni stuff, both things that'd normally have me wanting to throw up just thinking about them so I'd say that's something thanks guys, also those dropping friendlies somehow help when you know others have read ya post and go "it'll be fine" - appreciate that too also finished night in the woods, with the mindset of the latter quote I'd say that was a pretty helpful experience so I'd say this day has been the inverse of yesterday's low

i feel like if i disappear people wouldn't notice because of how little i contribute socially, its impossible to relate to people

I feel very bored of everything. I am burnt out on doing anything.

[QUOTE=Mud;52936683]i feel like if i disappear people wouldn't notice because of how little i contribute socially, its impossible to relate to people[/QUOTE] other people don't matter if you're happy with what you've got and with yourself i like to surround myself with people who have at least somewhat similar interests, makes me feel less insane and societal outcast-ish the trick now is how do i stop feeling dead inside

I'm so disgustingly heartbroken

[QUOTE=absolalone111;52932512]• attempting to get an actual daignosis for ADD as thats actually been the route cause of a lot of my issues, I got reffered to stage two of the medical examination so thats going well! my entire childhood I was that "bright but doesnt apply himself" kid, I had my self confidence destroyed when I entered education where doing the bare minimum wouldnt put me in the top 10% of the class. I'm damn lucky that I've got 6 or so months worth of meds for it because otherwise I'd be out of uni[/QUOTE] Relatable as shit, I'm currently working on the same. Good luck onwards, pal. You give me more hope for a positive resolution.

Rough day so far. My girlfriend left for work a few hours ago and I've exhausted my usual routine of checking facepunch, reddit and watching a few videos on youtube. It's just 11:49AM and I've been stuck in negative thought loops for the past hour since I can't find anything to occupy myself with. I have some ideas of what I could do but those things require focus and mental energy which I've depleted by focusing so much on the stuff that's going around in my head. I'm tired of doing the same stuff every single day, I'm tired of spending so much time on my computer, I'm tired of being scared of people and being as lonely as I am. I need new stuff, new experiences. I need to create and feel mastery. It just feels so unobtainable since all of this stuff requires effort which I feel is impossible due to me wasting all of my energy on these negative thoughts. I feel stuck in life. Every single minute that passes is a wasted minute I'll never get back. When the minutes turns into hours, hours turns into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, it's soul crushing. My personal development has stagnated for years and I can almost feel myself getting dumber and more enclosed by the day due to me just sitting on my ass all day doing the same shit. Worst part of it all? I KNOW I can do it! I know I can get out there and work 5 days a week. I know I can exercise every single day. I know I can learn whatever I want. I just can't get started with any of it. I break the tasks down, put them in a digestible format to not make it overwhelming but I still can't make that first step. I know exactly what I gotta do and that it'll be fine, yet it feels impossible. It is so frustrating to know that I'm capable of doing everything I want to do as long as I apply myself, yet there's some sort of invisible wall stopping me. I'm so frustrated in general. All these negative thoughts I'm having, I know they're wrong. All the limitations I put on myself, I know they're wrong. I see so many opportunities around me that are just waiting for me patiently and yet I never approach them. I'm chained down and I don't have the key, making me just barely out of reach of everything I want to do. I am my own prison.

I've rarely posted in here and I'm sorry. Idk if I want help just need a place to vent A few weeks ago I smoked a bit over 5 just joints at a party I held. When I went to bed, an old friend called me but I felt in a drift of sensation. As if my body was sinking into the covers. Slowly i stumbled onto "times going quick" Now I can't stop thinking about three things: death, aging and time. Ive always struggled with death, always. I've had little family deaths and I await more as I grow old but that's not my concern. My concern is me dying. What's at the end. I'm also fucked off by the prospect of aging and becoming old and weathered to the point where I'm just an old dude. I know that scientist work around the clock to discover a halt or reversal to aging but it hasn't put my mind at ease at all it may of made things worse And time. This shits me off. I want the option to go back 5 years and experience something again. Experience schooling, new find relationships I was going through. I think this is due to a meme I saw on Facebook saying "if you take the blue pill you become 59 but have 100 million dollars or if you take the red you go back to when you were 10 but retain your knowledge". For some reason this one photo has caused a sensation of overthinking It's not even about the money it's about the shit I went through and was Ill equipped to deal with. But the prospect of not meeting my current girlfriend is too risky and a little troubling. I know everything I've said is out of my control but it's getting to the point where I can't sleep. I'm going to seek help soon but Ive been getting so scared that. Yeah i shouldn't say no more in case I alarm some of you but I'm fine truly I don't want to do nothing dumb I just want these thoughts to fuck off and leave me alone. Let me live idk

[QUOTE=kharkovus;52928902]--huge long choppy rant from me on the last page--[/QUOTE] Huh, I think I must've been xanned or drunk or both when I wrote this. I just checked my post history for the first time this week and I was surprised to uh, see this.

So how reliable are these gene tests anyway (for meds)?

tfw you managed to overcome your anxiety for long enough to talk to a girl who is way out of your league and she ends up showing genuine interest in you, even though you look like a fucking pancake because of your acne scarring :excited:

My job doesn't feel so horrible now and I've been doing my job better...ish. Not quite at the level they want I think but better enough that people don't seem to be angry at me or trying to backstab me. Every time I hit a crisis level and bounce back I usually feel ok for a while. Though I feel better than that bounce back usually does. I think it's because I don't feel like I'm trapped in this job. That's usually what drags me down is when I don't see a way forward. I see a mostly reasonable way out now. It's...probably the only real risk I've considered taking in my entire life. I've always chosen not to take risks, even if they appear to have a really good outcome if they go right, and not too bad of a failure outcome. I have been talking to a friend about things and heavily researching the area he lives in. I have a paid off car that's in good shape to get there in one peice and then some. My necessary expenses are pretty minimal. He has seen my work with models, texturing, and world building. I know I have something special. He knows I have something special. We both know that in this hellish job I'm not going to be able to improve on it meaningfully. And my parents are not in a position (or willing) for me to quit my job. He is completely willing to let me room with him in order for me relieve the extreme stress to improve my talents into something worthwhile, something that might pay well, or at least pay reliably. I know that if I can have a clear mind and ample time on my hands, I can make amazing things. I have in the past when I was jobless. It does mean being 700 or so miles away from family, though. The area he lives is pretty nice and is about 15 minutes out from Nashville. I do trust him and I've known him for a long time. I think I have poked about this idea before but...it's a chance for me to turn a hobby into something more and I think that's why the idea is stuck in my head now more than just a passing idea. What I know for sure is I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result like I have for the past 4 years.

starting to wonder what the point of me existing is when im bad at everything

What are some tools to tackle low self-esteem? I've recently discovered I say "I hate myself" under circumstances where I'm trying to make myself feel better--Quite the opposite of where I want to go! My goal is to feel I am lovable, to myself and for others to love me. I believe this behavior in itself comes from growing up as a kid, trying to motivate though shame. Shaming myself, thinking: "I'm not lovable because I do not do this behavior/feel this way/think this way," was effective at first but I want to get over this behavior because it has become overgrown and outdated as I've grown up. I'm so afraid to do anything that involves school, work or socializing because of it. Why I'm afraid? It is a burden on my mind--I wanted to feel lovable before I went out into the world... to know I can pick myself up... to know I don't have to be afraid of people, myself, or any activity in between. I was (and still am) bent on being Perfect in this regard to feel lovable. I just don't feel like I'm enough. Some methods I've devised are: -Taking notes of how I feel, for analysis later. -Never to succumb to getting stuck in the "victim" hole. When I get tired and I'm alone I tend to do this. -Discover triggers when I am hateful toward myself. Ask: Why do I feel this way, where does this come from? Do I deserve this? -Continuing life as normal... setting goals, raising the bar, achieving new ambitions... working hard... I feel like I'm forgetting something but I'm eager to get this out here.

I dont know why i check here to see if youve posted, but im so sorry. You didnt deserve any of this.

This morning I caught myself listening to a two-person stream as a way of coping with the feeling of being alone. To vicariously feel like I was hanging out with someone and had friends by listening to two people actually hanging out. I'm so tired of being miserable and wishing I wasn't. I don't do anything because I'm miserable so my life goes nowhere which makes me miserable. I have a few online friends but in real life I'm completely alone. Every time I see like a cute girl or a cute lesbian couple I get really intensely jealous. (Part of my trans shit) I know what kind of life I want but I spend so much time sitting around being miserable because I don't have it and trying to distract myself from that by watching people who do. I'm tired of being fat, and hairy, and living as a man, and not knowing anyone, and not having a job, and not making videos, and not doing my hobbies, and not doing anything but maybe playing a game or a movie every few [I]weeks[/I] because I obsess over everything being just right or 'appropriate' before I can let myself do anything. I need to stop. Stop obsessing over my ex, for one, but also, stop beating myself up over what I'm not and what I don't have and just start actually working to be who I want to be and get what I want to have in life. I feel like I've wasted so many years because I'm 21 now and I haven't gone anywhere in life and there are people younger than me that are way better off and happier than I am. I could have worked for what I wanted out of life when I was 18, hell, I could have started when I was 16 if I wanted to. I really [I]really[/I] hate myself. A lot of the time I wish I was dead, and for a good while I planned to kill myself if things hadn't changed by new years. But the reality is I'm honestly too scared of the pain of dying to go through with it. But it feels like I've been laying around thinking about it and hating myself for [I]forever.[/I] It feels like it could last forever. It's not a good alternative. If I can't get it together enough to kill myself then I should at least be trying to be happy instead of whatever it is I'm doing now. It's just so fucking hard to keep trying for more than a week or two before just falling back in to it.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;52941620]This morning I caught myself listening to a two-person stream as a way of coping with the feeling of being alone. To vicariously feel like I was hanging out with someone and had friends by listening to two people actually hanging out. I'm so tired of being miserable and wishing I wasn't. I don't do anything because I'm miserable so my life goes nowhere which makes me miserable. I have a few online friends but in real life I'm completely alone. Every time I see like a cute girl or a cute lesbian couple I get really intensely jealous. (Part of my trans shit) I know what kind of life I want but I spend so much time sitting around being miserable because I don't have it and trying to distract myself from that by watching people who do. I'm tired of being fat, and hairy, and living as a man, and not knowing anyone, and not having a job, and not making videos, and not doing my hobbies, and not doing anything but maybe playing a game or a movie every few [I]weeks[/I] because I obsess over everything being just right or 'appropriate' before I can let myself do anything. I need to stop. Stop obsessing over my ex, for one, but also, stop beating myself up over what I'm not and what I don't have and just start actually working to be who I want to be and get what I want to have in life. I feel like I've wasted so many years because I'm 21 now and I haven't gone anywhere in life and there are people younger than me that are way better off and happier than I am. I could have worked for what I wanted out of life when I was 18, hell, I could have started when I was 16 if I wanted to. I really [I]really[/I] hate myself. A lot of the time I wish I was dead, and for a good while I planned to kill myself if things hadn't changed by new years. But the reality is I'm honestly too scared of the pain of dying to go through with it. But it feels like I've been laying around thinking about it and hating myself for [I]forever.[/I] It feels like it could last forever. It's not a good alternative. If I can't get it together enough to kill myself then I should at least be trying to be happy instead of whatever it is I'm doing now. It's just so fucking hard to keep trying for more than a week or two before just falling back in to it.[/QUOTE] Let me put it this way: no matter how old you are, it's never too late to make a start. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and most of my life's been nothing but one misery, disappointment, or unexpected catastrophe after the other, until fairly recently. Hell, I have more scars than most people in the army, physical and mental. Yes, things aren't that great still but I've at least reconciled myself to the fact that shit happens, and your life is defined by how you deal with it. Or, i'll just put it in a simple way: I should be dead three times over, and yet, somehow, I find myself still alive. I'll give you some advice which might work: make daily affirmations to do what you need to do to get your life back on track. Ask somebody you know to track those affirmations and ask you if you've done those things every day, nag you if they must, until you get them done. Start small by doing things like folding your blankets and plumping up your pillows every morning as a matter of routine. And above all don't try to do everything all at once - that's the surest way to get pissed off at something that I know of in all my years of living, few as they are. Whatever's worth doing is never easy. It's easier to give up and surrender than it is to fight for yourself and what you believe in. I know what this kind of despair feels like, to want to die and rest for all eternity, but having been there once before, I'm in no hurry to go back there again, because I value my life and what I can do with it for others far more nowadays. When I die, whenever that may be, I want to give my account that I've done the most I could with it. Another small piece of advice: you really have to bring some positivity into your life through some means. It's easy to have a negative attitude about something because that's how our minds work - when we don't get something we want or are in a place we don't want to be, our mind makes it easier for our egos to bear by using "I'm not good enough, worthless, a sad sack" if you don't succeed at a given task. What you need to do is replace the "I wish" with an "I am." If you don't value yourself, nobody else will value you. You need to be your own best friend now, and if you don't do that you'll just sink further into this pit of self loathing you yourself have dug. And finally: life isn't defined by material success or a degree of happiness relative to others. If, at the end of your life, you can say that you lived it with a clear conscience and have done your best with the tools at your disposal, then you lived a good life. My peers are focused unhealthily on the money the medical profession brings in, while I measure success in taking care of my patients and helping them as best I can. If I didn't have this in my life, I'll bluntly say I'd either be insane or dead. If I could make the best of my situation and come this far, you can at least get yourself out of this hole and lead your own life. Take care of yourself.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;52941620]thoughts and feelings :)[/QUOTE] Funny, because I can relate to feeling like I've wasted years of my life as well, and the killing part, and the regret part, and among other things you've mentioned, haha. However, from what I've learned, and take it with a grain of salt because I'm babbling, you've gotta really twist and spin the thoughts to untangle them. There is no easy out here, "Fix Me Up" button. It's gonna be a struggle whether you like it or not, but consider your perfect self. Who do you imagine you should be? Consider your hurts, pains, and regrets, because out of respect for the time now, you are in pain, and it will come back. But it passes, it will pass. Have faith there is a better tomorrow, have faith down the line you're going to get up and say, "I will be so-and-so more today than I was yesterday", and if that doesn't work empower yourself someway. Eat a fruit, step outside, take a deep breath. You're going to be thankful you did. Again, I sit at my computer babbling, just to get a point across that you shouldn't give up speech and communicating to yourself in unorthodox ways. If it helps, it took me a long time to get myself out of my shell, and I'm still not out completely (see my previous post here), but I'm trying. I don't notice some things that actually benefit my health but I'm trying to see them in the after years, because I found I'm not always right. Again, sorry for babbling, but I hope I helped some way.

[QUOTE=No Party Hats;52941532]I dont know why i check here to see if youve posted, but im so sorry. You didnt deserve any of this.[/QUOTE] I think you should probably be direct and take responsibility. Edit: You agreeing with this post isn't being direct or taking responsibility FYI.

3 years ago I was going nowhere. So I can relate to the pain of feeling stagnant. For me though, I lost my dad around that time. I couldn't afford to go nowhere anymore. So I hit bottom a few times all while trying new things, new jobs, new roles and new responsibilities. After all this time I'm somewhere I want to be, I'm someone I like, and I'm happier than I can say I've ever been. You can do it. Anyone here can do it if I could.

why does everyone seem to belong somewhere but me

The most crushing thing of them all isn't the thoughts and feelings I feel all the time, but the realization that it'll be like this forever I'll never be happy with anything about myself, I will always push people away, and I will always come up with an excuse to not get help I don't really see what there is for me anywhere

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52944908]The most crushing thing of them all isn't the thoughts and feelings I feel all the time, but the realization that it'll be like this forever I'll never be happy with anything about myself, I will always push people away, and I will always come up with an excuse to not get help I don't really see what there is for me anywhere[/QUOTE] That's for you to decide. If you keep saying "I'm no good, I push people away" then your mind finds it far easier to push people away than to try and interact with them. If you yourself are unable to seek help, see if somebody will help you by pointing you in the right direction or accompanying you to a psychiatrist. And if your life's been not so great it's only natural to feel unhappy about yourself, and ask if somehow you're doing everything wrong. Thing is though, life is never simple, is often bullshit, and all you can really do is make the best of things.

I will now list things I hate about myself. I'm a disgusting attention whore. I'm emotionally manipulative and fundamentally selfish. I'm ugly. I'm a boy. I'm lazy. I'm unmotivated. I can't take initiative. I can't take risks. I'm dumb as hell. I have no spatial awareness. I can't read social cues. I bite my nails like a disgusting animal. I never eat anything and yet I'm still a fat piece of shit. I don't have any friends. I'm unlikable. I never learn lessons from my mistakes. I make too many mistakes. I cut myself and can't stop doing it even when people tell me to stop. I'm a leech on society. I've never improved anybody's life. to be continued maybe. [editline]3rd December 2017[/editline] I'm a racist asshole. I can't understand accents. I can't understand anybody speaking at all. I chew on things when I'm nervous and it's gross. I don't own up to it when I fuck up. I'm terrified of failure and rejection. I can't do anything right the first time. I'm not good at anything. [editline]3rd December 2017[/editline] I never do anything nice for people. Sometimes I imagine smashing up rich peoples' cars. I emotionally catfish people by pretending to be a better person than I am. I'm terrible at helping people even when I want to. [editline]3rd December 2017[/editline] My life is a bit of a mess and I can't manage adult stuff to save my life.

dynamic duo #1: me & fucking up EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME

[QUOTE=Mud;52944864]why does everyone seem to belong somewhere but me[/QUOTE] They're probably just better at pretending they know what they're doing, because apparently that's important socially. Don't let them bring you down, nobody [I]really[/I] knows what will happen tomorrow. [QUOTE=AtomicSans;52944932] [B]I emotionally catfish people by pretending to be a better person than I am.[/B] [/QUOTE] I don't know you at all but I'm almost sure that's not true, even if you think so.

I've been taking steps to improve my life and organize my environment, but I now realize that my heart was in the wrong place. I spend all my time alone on the computer, all of my short term projects are about improving that experience. I need to change my priorities somehow, otherwise nothing will ever actually get better.

After a couple of weeks on my new medication for treating GAD, I've noticed some improvements overall, like having strenght to socialize more and go out of my way and just do things. I feel quite positive about a lot of things, so thinking that way will definitely help me go further in achieving things in my current condition.

[QUOTE=Ardosos;52945811]I've been taking steps to improve my life and organize my environment, but I now realize that my heart was in the wrong place. I spend all my time alone on the computer, all of my short term projects are about improving that experience. I need to change my priorities somehow, otherwise nothing will ever actually get better.[/QUOTE] At the very least organizing your environment leaves a clear mind to focus on bigger things. Personally I can't focus on moving my life forward when I live in filth.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52942788]I think you should probably be direct and take responsibility. Edit: You agreeing with this post isn't being direct or taking responsibility FYI.[/QUOTE] Just text me please, I want to talk. I know its all me i just dont know how to explain how fucked up i feel about all of this. [editline]4th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Mud;52944864]why does everyone seem to belong somewhere but me[/QUOTE] none of us belong anywhere. thats the freedom of humanity. its also the single scariest thing to think about.